Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s02e02 Episode Script

Morning, Mrs Batty.
Morning, Gloria, love.
One thing, shan't have to scour me step in Australia.
Why ever not? You're not going to let yourself drift into mucky habits when you get there, are you? No.
They don't do it down there.
Not scour the steps?! Ooh! 'Ey up.
That face looks familiar.
You silly devil.
Well, if isn't my own true love, Nora Batty.
Oh, get back inside, you're weird.
Morning, Mr Simmonite.
'Ey up, Gloria, love.
I just nipped out to have a word with passion flower here.
It's got so as I daren't rattle me bucket.
Every time he hears it he's out pestering, talking filth.
It's true, at the sound of the bucket me knees go weak and me wellies start to palpitate.
There he goes, listen - filth.
He's all right.
He's personal.
Ah, I'm full of passion.
I'll cool you off with this bucket.
Come fly with me, Nora.
You and me we could make magic together and I'd lay me ferrets at your feet.
You're not right.
GLORIA LAUGHS And don't you encourage him.
My only complaint is the legs.
I won't have any talk from men about my legs.
They're the one flaw in my vision of paradise.
What's wrong with me legs? Them old wrinkled stockings, they're like untidy bandages.
It must cost you a fortune to buy them with creases in like that.
Get off here before I call me husband.
I've heard what you call him, poor lad.
You should let him out a bit.
It's cruel keeping things like him caged up inside.
Bah! 'Ey up.
SHE LAUGHS Why have they sent us here, Jones, to this outlandish place, it's exile.
We've been banished.
They have given you your own library, Miss Probert.
Yes, full of tatty old men.
Oh, damn this date stamp.
Steady, Jones.
You don't want people to think you're at a certain age or something.
Now, listen, I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll have a nice cup of tea and then you can help me delete all these four letter words in the new novels.
That'll take for ever.
Jones, somebody's got to do it.
I want to go back to the children's library.
We're needed here, Jones.
I want to go back where Puss In Boots means just that, and not that awful magazine.
I know, dear.
I got a bit of a shaker too when I flipped through that thing about fairies.
What are we going to do? We're going to stamp it out.
We'll use a bit of psychology.
We'll have one entire section labelled "For Degenerates", and see who's got the nerve to browse through that.
And as for these special orders, we'll fill in the postcards so it reads the filthy book you ordered is now ready for collection.
Gloria's going to Australia.
Her next door.
Yeah, nice lass.
She's having a farewell party.
We're invited.
What does he do? He's a lorry driver.
Are they going for good? Aye, they're emigrating.
Understandable, when you take into consideration who they've got for a neighbour.
Phwrrpt! It would be anybody's first reaction, Australia.
It's a big step, leaving home.
It's a big place.
Only two up and two down.
Australia? I wouldn't fancy summer at Christmas time, although it if we're going to have power cuts every year I wouldn't mind it starting on Boxing Day.
The capital of course is Canberra.
It's not that everybody knows, I mean some people do think it's Sydney.
Ah, and there's a lot of people think tha's a SYDENEY and all! With a tendency to be a bit fulsome in the gob department.
I have made some enemies, that is true, but one always does in the process of bettering oneself.
IMITATING BLAMIRE: "Well, one always does in the process of bettering oneself.
" Have you noticed how he always points his lips when he talks.
Oh, I had all this at school, him and his cronies, scoffing at my Fair Isle socks.
You were always a credit to your mam, Cyril.
For us in our boots and jerseys, you and your little sandals helped us to understand there were worse things even than the Depression.
Yeah, he were a creeper.
Ah, but a very polished creeper.
Clean around the earholes.
Whereas you were rather more your lovable urchin of popular fictions smiling through your grime, as you went through his pockets for his milk money.
All life were carefree for him, he never gave a thought to us, who were burdened down with the responsibility of collecting all the pencils in.
All he had to worry about was would Sheila Miller tell her dad.
And did she? No, we drifted apart anyway.
Oh, sad.
Nothing lasted in them days.
Especially my milk money.
I swapped her to Albert Mullgrove for a grass snake and two fags.
Oh, my God! And they say there's no romance left.
I wonder if they have willow trees in Australia.
I like a willow tree.
They've got gum trees.
'Ey up, he's a mine of information, this kid.
You'll excuse us being surprised.
Oh, that's all right.
It's just we were taught that you were thick.
I know.
Well, it must just be just a mask you wear.
Oh, it is.
Like hell, it is! Of course he's thick, that the real him.
Well, he knows about gum trees.
And why shouldn't he? He's been up one all his life.
I wonder, I wonder if I should go to Australia, you know, to try and get over Nora Batty.
You needn't feel lonely there, if you want company I expect her husband will come with you.
Why is he obsessed with Nora Batty? Because she's there.
Aye, I'll admit she's not pretty, but it's, you know, her personality.
Oh, yes, that is very appealing.
Like jagged tin.
Very hard is Nora, but she turns my knees to jelly.
What a Nazi she would've made, eh? Just consider her Russian front, a man could freeze before he found any shelter there.
Maybe she'll thaw one day.
Any case I can always go to Australia.
Foreign legion, that's what you want.
The what? The French Foreign Legion, that is the classical place to go when disappointed in a woman.
I'm not joining up with any Froggy mob.
Now, don't dismiss the idea without giving it a chance.
We are trying to help you.
That's what friends are for.
'Ey up, look at him backing away.
He's going white, look, he's just like that down at the labour when they're offering him a job.
I'm not joining up with the Froggies.
Typical! You'd have every opportunity of dying gloriously and you won't even consider it.
I'd prefer Australia.
Ridiculous.
How are you going to get killed out there, eh? I don't want to get killed.
Oh, well, I'm not going to talk to if you're not going to consider it with an open mind.
He was just like this that time ago when we were spending hours trying to offer him to America for an astronaut.
They wouldn't have had me.
They send monkeys up.
Ah, yeah, but they're trained.
Are you admitting that you are past training then? No, but there's a limit to how far I'll go for a bloody banana.
Here, talking of the Froggies, that reminds me, have you got a clean, white, untouched cigarette? It must be straight, not crumpled.
What for? I will give you a demonstration of how a left-handed Frenchman smokes a fag.
Go on then, let us see how a left handed Frenchman smokes a cigarette.
Well, come on, how does a left-handed Frenchman smoke a cigarette? The same as anybody else, you daft pillock.
SHOUTING Whoa! What do you think you're doing, horrid little men? Is this the way to behave in a library? Shh.
You're not supposed to raise your voice in here.
Excuse me.
How do you do? Is everything all right, Miss Probert? There's quite a few letters for you to sign, three overdues, and that Mr Charlesworth's had Sex Among The Eskimos for eight weeks now.
Don't you feel like paperwork, Miss Probert? If you feel like something more mechanical to do there's a screw needs tightening on the date stamp.
You're unhappy, Miss Probert.
Well, of course I'm unhappy, Jones, this place is inundated with men, that's all we ever get in here on a semi-permanent basis, men.
The women come in and scurry straight out again.
Well, then, who's got time for loafing about half the day? Men, that's another market they've cornered.
When did you last see a female layabout? I don't know what you've got against men.
And that weird way they look when they're undressed.
I wouldn't be seen dead with a profile like that.
I suppose you get used to it, if you're lucky.
Well, what have they ever done for humanity, except run off and make war on dubious women in foreign parts.
And we all know which parts.
They can't be all bad.
Every single one of them.
Have you ever known one who hadn't got that terrible compulsion to peer up ladies garments? Well, why do you think spectacles were invented? Not to mention the telescope.
Do you really imagine that Galileo was sent to prison because of his theories about the sun? Rubbish.
I bet it was his new view of somebody's missus that got him popped in the chokey.
They discovered penicillin.
Yes.
But only recently, they'd have found it a million years ago if it had been up some female's jumper.
Filth! You can take that back, get yourself something from that shelf over there, it'll do you more good.
Them Abos are great trackers.
They can go for days without water.
So can you.
Ah, but they've not been swilling pale ale.
Funny names they have in Australia.
Frank Ifield.
No, no, not Frank Ifield, Wallaroo, Wandjina.
It's no worse than Heckmondwike.
At least in Heckmondwike the Matildas aren't forever waltzing.
Ah, well, they've not got a jambuck up their billabongs.
I wonder if koala bears are smooth to touch.
They've got funny noses.
Yours isn't exactly noble Roman, is it? My mam bent it.
Here he is.
Here he is.
It's the Pied Piper.
How do? Shift the pole.
He don't look well, does he? He don't look well.
Shut up.
How's the job going, Shep? I don't wish to talk about it.
Very necessary work, escorting little children across today's roads.
Little swine.
To look at him you wouldn't think he was once known as Dream Boat at the Mecca Locarno.
Shut up.
I remember, them little pointed-toe shoes, his hair all plastered down.
Hey, Shep, what about that suit? And what about thee? My hair might have been plastered, but tha was plastered right through.
Yeah, but I hadn't learned how to drink properly then.
Well, now that is accomplished, perhaps you'll learn how to pay for them.
When I'm flush, it's drinks all round.
When I'm not, I expect my mates to show a bit of generosity.
Showing generosity is one thing, but showing what you're showing is quite another.
Get yourself fastened up.
More holes than a dosshouse blanket.
Cheer up, Shep, you never know, they might bring back the foxtrot.
I went all through the last war, five and a half years, and I can't say that I ever hated Jerries, but I've been six months a lollipop man and I could cheerfully strangle every little brat under 18.
You must be mad, wanting to strangle poor little innocent kids.
Use your pole, what do you think it's for? The young are a great comfort as you grow older.
It makes you realise that at least you're going in the right direction.
'Ey up, look at this! 1932 I carved that.
WS, Willy Simmonite equals AD? Who the hell were AD? It must have been a love affair of classic proportions.
He can't even remember her name.
No, must have been a new penknife.
You're always had a tendency to rush in and start carving in them days.
AD? Albert Drury.
Watch it! It'd be Aggie Duckett! Aggie Duckett! Was it hell as like! Big daft Aggie, a right flamin' moonbeam.
I never went out with Aggie Duckett! Oh, come on, Willy, you can tell us.
Oh, shut up.
I am just trying to think.
Who was AD? Don't give us that, your secret is out.
We know who it was, it were Aggie Duckett! I don't know what you're laughing at, you pair of neets.
I never went out with Aggie Duckett.
She made my nose bleed.
She were always thumping me, just because I laughed at her dad's boots.
How the hell was I to know she were wearing them? What a lovely couple they were.
It could have been a musical, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
She always had scabby knees.
Can't keep his mind off the legs, tha sees.
Always tripping over them bloody boots.
She were a fanatic at marbles.
Oh, hello, so that's how it started? In a frenzy of emotion she snatched his marbles.
Shut up! He doesn't look well, does he? He doesn't look well.
Never mind about me, tell him why we've come.
I thought it were a pilgrimage to the place where you first plighted your troth to Aggie Duckett.
SHEP LAUGHS Hee hee hee(!) We've come about tha' piano! Have you still got your Eileen's piano? Aye, it hasn't been touched since she were wed.
And with the job I've got, I've got nowt to sing about.
Can we have a lend of it, Saturday night? Aye, I take it it's still there.
We're having a do at Sid's Caff.
Aye, a farewell party.
A young couple emigrating.
And Twinkle Fingers here gets moody if he can't perform.
Oh, I have no wish to intrude.
Just a few of the old tunes, you know.
If I am imposing on anybody's spare time, well Flaming hell, don't get your talent in a twist.
Come along, Cyril, you are under a moral obligation to perform.
Your mam paid for all them piano lessons.
And the besides, we understand how much pleasure it gives you.
And in any case, I shall need you to accompany me when I perform on the comb and paper.
Well, if you insist.
Oh, we do, we do.
That poor lass needs something to encourage her to go to Australia.
I must be off.
They'll be hot for dinner.
That damn great bus will be there in two minutes and if I'm not there, they'll have it over.
It's not that I don't like kids, I just can't stand them.
You're just a victim, really, of the battered parent syndrome.
What about the tinkle of children's laughter? Doesn't that mean anything to thee? Aye, it means they've just buttoned something.
Not enough discipline, that's the trouble.
Oh, blimey, he's off again.
For goodness sake sit down and stop yawping about.
You've got more rattle than Hargreaves's lorry.
Proper miserable, in't he, for a pianist? 'Ey up! Oh, for goodness sake, sit down.
It's Gloria! Gloria! I hope she doesn't think he's with us.
Sit down, you great noisy dwarf! Gloria! Come on! It's him they're talking about when you see them signs outside pubs, "No coaches".
Hey, Gloria! Come on! Come on! Come on, come and meet me dad.
Now, watch it! You used to loathe him at school and you're still not too keen on him but it's a relationship that lasted a long time.
Oh, hello, Gloria.
Oh, sit down, Rex Harrison, we don't want you bobbing up and down.
Hello, Mr Simmonite, Mr Blamire, Mr Clegg.
Hello, Gloria.
I've not seen you around much lately.
I'm just having a last look round, trying to remember it all.
You must be looking forward to it.
Me mam's upset.
Mams always are.
Yours had need to be.
Oh, ta.
I thought I'd given it up.
But I started again.
She's not sleeping.
Who? Me mam.
Come on! It's heavy.
It'll be heavier still when they get the piano on.
Hey, what's the game? Come on, you lazy devil, you pull it then.
Oh! I told you they'd bring back the foxtrot.
A good thing he's working for nothing.
If we were employing him, he'd want six months on the sick and He doesn't look well, does he? He doesn't look well.
It's a maggie! Any eggs? I can't see.
Hey! Stand on me head, why don't you? I would if it weren't so pointy.
Hey, there's three.
Are they warm? Come on down then, leave them alone.
I never knew he had a scar on his belly.
Speaking personally, it was not the sort of inquiry that I was ever likely to make.
You think you know somebody.
Hey! Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Oh! Help! Help me! 'Ey up! Help me! Do you think he's trying to tell us something? I shouldn't think so.
Look how secretive he's been about that scar.
More fun than one imagines.
I should hope so if it leaves a scar like that.
Bird nesting.
It's the wrong place for an appendix.
I wonder, could it be an Aggie Duckett love bite, do you think? You great stupid pillocks! I've torn my shirt, my best shirt.
Well, don't wave the damn thing at me.
It's gone right through.
Well, holes usually do.
I shall have to mend it.
I haven't got a needle or a thread, and I can't go to Gloria's party with a great hole in me.
Just look at it.
We'll fix you up with a shirt.
And a tie.
Fancy thinking you're going like that.
I should look all right playing the piano after you've had a few beers with the wind whistling through that lot.
Well, my trousers is baggy.
No, your legs is baggy, your trousers are more or less .
.
unbelievable.
'Ey up! Whoa-ho! Hey-hey! Ha-ha-ha! Ohh! Let yours down, let yours down.
Not on me foot, you We have to get this bottom end round.
Leave it to me, I've moved all sorts through this door.
Not since them three died from eating your buns.
They've never done you any harm, have they, you great waste basket? Get your back into this.
Now.
Up my end! My sentiments exactly.
Look, just get hold of it, will you? Just get hold of it.
Right, come on now, all together.
That's it.
There we are.
That's it.
When you said could you bring it in, I thought you meant through the door, not the flaming wall.
Afternoon, Ivy.
I see the wife's keeping well, Sidney.
Have you ever known her poorly, even once? It's over now, it's finished.
I gathered that when I heard you braying it to death.
Don't worry, love, you'll get a surprise when old twinkle fingers here gets going.
Talk about jingling bells, well, he goes like the clappers anyway.
# Ra da-da, ra da-da # Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, I didn't know he could play.
Oh, just for my own amusement, really.
Nobody else thinks it's funny.
Not a thing I talk about a lot.
Ah, like your Aunt Annie with the rent man.
When they know you can play, you tend to get monopolised at parties.
Dirty devil.
You shouldn't drink so much.
'Ey up, Liberace's labourer.
Get yourself round back here.
Let's have some music from this taitie peeler.
If there's owt you want, lads, give us a shout.
I'll be back, God willing.
HE PLAYS OFF KEY Hey, it sounded better coming down that hill.
Yeah.
And they've just mended the road.
Talk about music to make your feet move by.
He made them move quick enough, didn't it? Black notes, white notes and bum notes, I see.
Does he often go off like this, your mate? If he has got an ear for music I wish he'd use it.
He's bloody fingers aren't much good.
What was that about his Aunty Annie and the rent man? He was caught giving a rebate in the front room.
Anyway, times were hard.
You can hear it in his music if you listen, it's all there, the struggle to preserve the right note.
Which rent man was it? Hello, are we in debt again? I've never been in debt in my life and well you know it.
If I was, I wouldn't get out of it that way.
You're the only man that's ever been near me.
And after all these years, I can understand why.
ARGUING AND SMASHING Hey, we'd better have a cup of tea while they got some cups left.
What about twinkle fingers, do you think he'll want a cup? I would say yes, we've got to stop him somehow.
I wondering if he started something and he doesn't know how to get off.
By hell, I'll say this for you Cyril, your brakes are good.
Oh, ho, there's no doubt about it.
The old songs are best.
Not when you've finished with them, they're not.
Well, we don't expect you to have any musical appreciation.
Just bits of elbow and some frightful glimpses of your tail assembly.
Show us your fingers.
Look at that, covered in blood.
How many sugars? One will be sufficient, thank you, stirred allegro.
You will help yourselves, won't you? Oh, I wouldn't dream of interfering with you, Ivy.
Would you care to rephrase that? I wouldn't dream of interrupting you, Ivy.
That's better.
Not while you're hitting Sid.
Oh, be my guest.
I wasn't hitting Sid, the dozy crow kept ducking.
It's surprising how light is on his feet when he thinks his carcass is in danger.
Thinks? Yes! I hope you're going to slow that tempo down a bit for the dancing on Saturday night.
And who is going to be dancing? We are, me and Nora Batty.
Ooh