Roseanne s02e02 Episode Script

OHH! ROSEANNE OHH! ROSEANNE, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
OH, THEY CALL THIS A HAIRCUT? IT LOOKS OK, REALLY.
JUST LIKE D.
J.
WHAT ARE YOU READING? MY POLICE MANUAL.
WHAT? YOU KNOW, I COULD BE MAKING $3,000 A MONTH IF I GET ACCEPTED.
YOU'RE JOKING.
NO.
I ALREADY APPLIED.
KNOCK KNOCK.
ANYBODY HOME.
CUT IT OUT.
I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING A FUTURE OFFICER.
YOU'RE GOOFIN' ON ME, RIGHT? NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU WENT AHEAD AND DID THIS WITHOUT EVEN TALKING TO ME? GOD, ROSEANNE, CAN'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE ENTHUSIASM FOR ME? I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
IF I WAS TO SHOW ENTHUSIASM EVERY TIME YOU GOT EXCITED, I WOULD'VE RUN OUT OF ENTHUSIASM BY THE TIME I WAS 6.
I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
I JUST SHOULD'VE JUST COME OVER ONE DAY, CUFFED YOU, GAGGED YOU, TOLD YOU, AND LEFT.
WELL, DON'T YOU EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK? NO, I DON'T.
OK, THEN I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T THINK.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE COP MATERIAL.
OH, YEAH? YOU DON'T, HUH? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT COP MATERIAL IS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW? LET'S SEE YOU GET OUT OF THAT.
YOU DON'T THINK I'M COP MATERIAL NOW, HUH? YOU ARE MESSING UP MY HAIR! I AM RELEASING YOU ON YOUR OWN RECOGNIZANCE.
YOU KNOW, BEING A COP IS SOMETHING THAT TAKES A LOT OF COMMITMENT-- NOT YOUR STRONG POINT.
BESIDES THAT, YOU'RE NOT A KID ANYMORE.
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT WANT ME TO DO IT, DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T WANT TO DO IT.
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
ROSEANNE, GOODBYE.
OH, JACKIE, GROW UP.
OH, GO TO HELL.
THIS IS HELL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE JACKIE WANTS TO BE A COP.
SHE DOES LOOK GOOD IN BOOTS.
I'M SERIOUS, DAN.
I KNOW YOU ARE, BABE.
I'M HAVING REAL TROUBLE WITH THE CONCEPT OF SOMEBODY CALLING HER OFFICER.
OFFICER JACKIE.
I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HER.
I JUST HOPE SHE DOESN'T GET ACCEPTED.
THEY'LL ACCEPT HER, ALL RIGHT.
BASED ON WHAT? BASED ON THE FACT THAT THE LANFORD POLICE DEPARTMENT IS RUN BY A BUNCH OF BOZOS-- HALF OF WHOM YOUR SISTER'S DATED.
DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SISTER LIKE THAT.
THAT'S MY JOB.
MMMUNBELIEVABLE! THAT CHILI IS GONNA BE HANGING FROM THE CEILING OF THE SMITHSONIAN.
SUMMON THE CHILDREN, FIFI.
FOOD! I THOUGHT JACKIE WAS STAYING FOR DINNER.
NO.
SHE'S MAD AT ME.
I'M MAD AT YOU, AND I STUCK AROUND.
I'M MAD AT YOU BECAUSE I GOT MY HAIR CUT TODAY AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.
I DID SO NOTICE, MOE.
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M MAD AT YOU? SPREAD OUT.
YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR! YOU USED IT, DIDN'T YOU? NO, I DIDN'T.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL THE TRUTH FOR ONCE.
OK, I WILL.
THE TRUTH IS, YOU'RE A DINK.
WE ARE FAMILY DON'T EVER TOUCH MY THINGS AGAIN.
I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME I'LL TOUCH WHATEVER I WANT.
OH, NO, NOT CHILI.
NOT JUST ANY CHILI-- MY FAMOUS CHILI.
YES, DAN CONNER'S MAGIC CHILI, WITH THE FRESHEST INGREDIENTS, STRAIGHT FROM THE CONNER FAMILY FARM.
I WANT FISH STICKS.
WELL, IT'S NICE TO HAVE A DREAM.
[IMITATING JULIA CHILD.]
TONIGHT WE'RE TRYING A VARIATION ON MY CLASSIC RECIPE-- BEEF CHILI VEGETARIAN STYLE.
OH, GROSS! I'M NOT GONNA DRINK OUT OF THAT.
YOU PUT YOUR FINGER IN IT.
DON'T WORRY.
THIS FINGER'S CLEAN.
I HAD IT IN MY NOSE ALL DAY.
YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE TWERP.
I'M EMBARRASSED WE'RE RELATED.
AT LEAST, I'M NOT A PERVERT.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
YEAH, BUT I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WAS READING DAD'S MAGAZINE.
SHUT UP.
COME ON, LET'S HUSH UP.
COME ON, WE'RE HAVING DINNER HERE.
WHAT MAGAZINE? GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.
DAN, DAN, DAN.
HONEY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY, AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD SAY IT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.
YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG MOUTH.
YOU KNOW, DARLENE, IT'S NOT NICE TO TATTLE ON PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO DO REALLY STUPID THINGS THAT THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T DO.
OW.
DARLENE'S A TATTLETALE, TATTLETALE.
D.
J.
's RIGHT.
YOU SHOULDN'T RAT ON PEOPLE.
AND YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF OTHER PEOPLE'S BELONGINGS.
HEY, EVERYBODY, CALM DOWN.
YOUR MOTHER'S RIGHT.
LISTEN TO HER.
SHE'S BEEN BUSTING HER HUMP ALL DAY, COOKING AND CLEANING.
SHE DOESN'T NEED THIS AGGRAVATION.
WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE WINE WITH DINNER, HONEY? FORGET ABOUT IT, DAN.
I TOOK A SHOT.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT MAGAZINE AND GET IT OUT OF THIS HOUSE.
IT IS OUT OF THE HOUSE.
IT'S IN THE GARAGE.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS IN THE TRASH.
IT WAS RIGHT ON YOUR WORKBENCH.
RIGHT.
MY WORKBENCH.
AS IN, MY PRIVATE WORKBENCH.
YEAH, BECKY.
QUIET.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS WHOLE THING.
INSTEAD OF PICKING ON ME, WHY DON'T YOU ASK BECKY WHAT SHE WAS DOING LOOKING AT THAT NUDIE MAGAZINE? SHUT UP, DARLENE.
YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THOSE GIRLS, DON'T YOU? SHUT UP! YOU KNOW YOU DO.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW MOM AND DAD YOUR SEXY WALK? I HATE YOU.
OW, YOU SEXY THANG.
WHAT? SNITCH.
WHAT ABOUT BECKY? WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
BECKY NEVER DOES ANYTHING WRONG.
EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT.
NO.
THIS IS STUFF THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE YOU WERE BORN.
GO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER.
NO WAY! HA HA.
SHUT UP.
DON'T HIT YOUR BROTHER WHEN HE'S EATING.
I'M SICK OF THIS STUPID HOUSE.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? WE HANDLED THAT WELL.
WHAT DISGUSTING THING ARE YOU READING NOW? THE GROWTH OF OUR NATION.
EWW, YOU ARE A PERVERT.
WHAT? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY MEN LIKE THOSE MAGAZINES.
WHY DO THEY WANT TO LOOK AT A BUNCH OF WOMEN WHO THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW? WELL, THEY ACTUALLY BELIEVE THOSE WOMEN ARE LOOKING BACK AT THEM.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THESE GIRLS' FATHERS SAY TO THEM? THEY PROBABLY DON'T SAY TOO MUCH, WHICH IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE REASONS WHY THEY END UP IN THOSE MAGAZINES.
I FEEL BAD FOR THEM.
YEAH ME, TOO.
DO YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN DIDN'T GET TO VOTE UNTIL 1920? YEAH.
AND AS I RECALL, WE ALL VOTED NO.
I MEAN, ACCORDING TO MOM, BECKY'S ALWAYS GOOD AND I'M ALWAYS BAD.
LIKE IF BECKY GETS AN "A" IN SOMETHING, IT'S THIS BIG DEAL.
BUT IF I GET AN "A" IN SOMETHING, MOM JUST IGNORES IT.
YOU GOT AN "A"? NO.
BUT IF I DID, SHE WOULD.
YOU KNOW WHAT BECKY'S FAVORITE THING TO SAY IS? GROW UP.
YOU KNOW WHERE SHE GETS THAT FROM? FROM YOUR MOM.
WELL, IT'S NOT FAIR.
LIFE IS UNFAIR.
LIFE IS THIS BIG UNFAIR THING.
ONE DAY I'M GETTING EVEN.
I'M GONNA HAVE A NEAT PLACE JUST LIKE THIS, AND I'M NEVER GONNA INVITE HER OVER.
YEAH, YOU WILL.
THAT'S WHAT'S UNFAIR.
YOU'RE HER SISTER, AND YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET RID OF HER.
IF I HEAR "GROW UP" ONE MORE TIME, BOOM, I'M NOT GONNA HAVE A SISTER.
ME EITHER.
I WENT OVER THERE TODAY FROM MY HOUSE TO HER HOUSE WITH A DREAM.
A LITTLE DREAM.
AND SHE TOOK THAT DREAM, AND SHE STOMPED IT.
AND AFTER SHE STOMPED IT, SHE KICKED IT IN THE GUTTER.
WELL, SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T MEAN IT.
THAT'S YOUR MOM'S WAY OF BEING IN CONTROL ALL THE TIME CONSTANTLY.
BUT LET'S FACE IT.
WITHOUT YOUR MOM, LIFE, AS WE KNOW IT, WOULD END.
IF SHE'S SO IMPORTANT, HOW COME SHE CAN'T GET A JOB? THAT'S RIGHT.
YOUR MOM DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BRAINS TO SAY YES TO YOUR DAD WHEN YOUR DAD ASKED YOUR MOM TO MARRY ME-- HER-- HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? BUT LITTLE JACKIE, WHO, ACCORDING TO YOUR MOM, CAN'T EVEN BALANCE A CHECKBOOK, WHICH, BY THE WAY, I HAD A CHECKING ACCOUNT LONG BEFORE SHE EVER DID BECAUSE I WENT DOWN TO GREY ROCK BANK AND GOT A CHECK BOOK, BY MYSELF, WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM HER.
AND THEY HAD-- THEY HAD THIS REALLY GROSS SECURITY GUARD THERE NAMED EDDIE.
AND YOUR MOM AND I USED TO CALL HIM EDDIE SPAGHETTI.
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE? I HAD TO TELL HER WHAT A GREAT CATCH SHE'D BE PASSING UP.
YOUR MOM IS THE ONE THAT CAN'T EVEN BALANCE A CHECKBOOK.
IF SHE'S SO GOOD WITH MONEY, HOW COME I ALWAYS HAVE TO LEND HER MONEY? I BOUGHT THAT GLOVE THEY PAID FOR YOU LAST YEAR.
THANKS.
REALLY? WELL, THAT'S OK.
THAT'S WHAT SISTERS ARE FOR.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK? NO, THANKS.
WELL, I'M GONNA GET A LITTLE SOMETHING.
WHOA! AUNT JACKIE! OH, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF GRAVITY IN HERE.
I GOT TO GET MY SEA LEGS.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME IN MY HOUSE AND SO AM I.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM GOING TO GO AND TAKE A LITTLE NAP JUST FOR ONE MINUTE.
OK, ROSEANNE? [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
SHOULD I GET THAT? [RING.]
HELLO.
MOM UM EVERYTHING'S FINE.
AUNT JACKIE AND I ARE JUST TALKING AND HAVING A GREAT TIME.
I'M GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT, OK? I FEEL A LOT BETTER.
YEAH, BYE.
I AM A GOOD COP.
A REALLY GOOD COP.
I'M SERIOUS, MOTHER.
BACON IS LOADED WITH SODIUM, NITRATES, GREASE, AND ANIMAL FAT.
BREAKFAST! DOWN 2 INCHES.
STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, RIGHT, LEFT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT, STRAIGHT DOWN.
DROP THAT PIG MEAT, COVER HOG.
COVER HOG? YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH? YEAH? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
DOWN.
WE MISSING AN OFFSPRING? YEAH.
WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT THE BACON? THREE PIECES? HEY, I DIDN'T GET ANY.
HYPOCRITE.
TWO PIECES? JUST 'CAUSE YOU BRING HOME THE BACON, DON'T MEAN YOU GET TO EAT IT ALL.
I GUESS YOU TOLD ME.
I GUESS I DID.
YOU'RE SO SMART, LET ME ASK YOU ONE THING.
HOW COME YOUR FACE IS SMOOTH THIS WAY AND SO ROUGH THAT WAY? WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FOREPLAY IN FRONT OF THE KIDS? MORNING.
HEY, COME HERE, YOU.
DARLENE.
THERE'S MORE.
NO, THERE ISN'T.
OH, HERE, TAKE IT.
DID YOU HAVE FUN LAST NIGHT? YEAH.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS END UP DOING? WE DROVE INTO CHICAGO AND PICKED UP A COUPLE OF SAILORS.
DARLENE, GET A PLATE.
I'M FINISHED.
ISN'T THAT HALLEY'S COMET? FORGET ABOUT IT.
WHAT'S YOUR AUNT JACKIE DOING TODAY? SLEEPING.
WHY, DID YOU GUYS END UP STAYING UP LATE? WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THOSE SAILORS LOVE TO PARTY.
SO SO, WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT LAST NIGHT? ME? WHAT DID YOUR AUNT JACKIE SAY? ASK HER YOURSELF.
I'M NOT A TATTLETALE.
WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY TATTLING IF I HAVE TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.
HEY.
HIYA, KID.
THANKS FOR PUTTING THE PAIL BY THE BED.
OH, LOOK, AUNT JACKIE'S GOT HER HANG-OVER GLASSES ON.
WAS SHE DRINKING LAST NIGHT? DID YOU GET DRUNK WHILE MY KID WAS OVER THERE? NO.
I WAS DRUNK BEFORE SHE GOT OVER THERE.
DARLENE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP ME WORK ON THE BOAT? NO, NOT REALLY.
SO WOULD YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER.
COME ALONG.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOING AND GETTING PLOWED? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU.
YOU.
YOU ARE MY PROBLEM.
WHAT DID I DO NOW? SAME THING AS YOU ALWAYS DO, ROSEANNE.
YOU SIT UP THERE ON YOUR-- PEDESTAL? YEAH.
YOU ACT LIKE SOME BIG HIGH AND MIGHTY, SELF-RIGHTEOUS PEDESTAL-TYPE PERSON.
AND YOU POO-POO EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE.
YEAH.
AND YOU GO RIGHT FOR YOUR ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOR 'CAUSE YOU CANNOT HANDLE CONFLICT.
THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.
YOU CANNOT HANDLE CONFLICT.
REMEMBER, WE SAW THAT WHOLE THING ON OPRAH-- PEOPLE WHO CANNOT HANDLE CONFLICT, SO RIGHT AWAY, THEY RUN FOR THE ALCOHOL.
WELL, HAVE ANOTHER SHOT OF PANCAKE, ROSEANNE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULDN'T EAT STONES.
WELL, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME.
I AM.
I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.
JUST ONCE, ONE TIME, I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO BE FOR ME, TO BE ON MY SIDE, FOR ME ALONE.
SO THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
WELL, MAYBE I WOULD DO THAT IF YOU EVER CAME UP WITH SOME KIND OF AN IDEA I COULD ACTUALLY SUPPORT.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT IDEA? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME BECOMING A POLICEWOMAN? YES, I KNOW SOMETIMES I START ON THINGS AND I NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH WITH 'EM.
AND I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES I GET JAZZED ABOUT STUFF THAT'S NOT EVEN EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
BUT THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN, AND I WISH YOU WOULD GIVE ME SOME SUPPORT.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AND BE SOMETHING LIKE A METER MAID? I MEAN, YOU USED TO WORK AT WELLMAN.
YOU'RE USED TO HANDLING SMALL CHANGE.
SEE, THAT'S IT.
AGAIN, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CONVINCE YOU THAT I COULD BE A COP? BEAT YOU UP? YEAH, NOT ON YOUR BEST DAY.
OH, COME ON.
OOH! COME ON.
OOH.
TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT.
YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD JUST KNOCK YOUR LIGHTS OUT.
WELL, THEN, GO AHEAD.
MAKE MY DAY.
OW! OW! OW! OW! LET ME UP! LET ME UP! EXCUSE ME.
IS THIS LIKE A SEX THING? 'CAUSE IF IT IS, I'LL GO GET THE CAMERA, AND WE CAN TOSS THAT MAGAZINE AGAIN.
DAN, GET HER OFF OF ME! DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.
I'LL BREAK HER WRIST.
DAN! I THINK SHE MEANS IT, ROSEANNE.
I DO MEAN IT.
SHE DOES MEAN IT, FOLKS.
AND THIS IS THE GRUDGE MATCH WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
THROW OUT THE RULE BOOK.
THE LANFORD WRESTLING FEDERATION RULES DO NOT APPLY.
DAN, I'M SERIOUS.
SHE'S SERIOUS, FOLKS.
I'M REALLY SERIOUS! SHE'S REALLY SERIOUS.
YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME FOR NEVER BEING ON MY SIDE.
I HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.
OW! OOH, THIS IS NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH.
I THINK THAT WRIST IS ABOUT TO GO.
OHH! YOU COME ON, ROSEANNE.
OK, I'M SORRY.
LOUDER.
[SOBS.]
NOW, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
AAH! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
I MEAN IT.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S AN APOLOGY TO THE HEAD.
DAN, GET OUT OF HERE.
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! I'M OUT OF HERE.
OK, WHY ARE YOU SORRY? LET ME SIT UP, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
OW! OK, YOU WANT TO BE A COP, FINE.
I WILL SUPPORT YOU.
BUT I JUST HAVE TO MAKE ONE POINT BEFORE I DO.
OK, PIG.
I'VE GOT A GUN, AND I'M GOING TO BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? SLAP YOUR HAND AWAY.
GO AHEAD.
BANG! YOU'RE DEAD, JACKIE.
YOU'RE DEAD.
GET IT? METER MAID IS GOOD.
GET A LITTLE UNIFORM, DRIVE A NICE CAR, GET SOME BENEFITS, TAKE HOME SOME MONEY.
METER MAID IS NOT BAD.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, SIS.
YEAH.
AND THEN YOU'LL GIVE SOME GUY A TICKET, AND HE'LL GET OUT OF HIS CAR AND BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF.
OH, SO NOW YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE A METER MAID? CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL