Rules of Engagement s02e02 Episode Script

Hey.
Oh, my God.
What happened? I was hungry.
I meant to my life.
What are you eating? It's, uh, last night's spaghetti, some random nuts.
You were so embarrassed you didn't want your pants to see? Five o'clock today begins Jeff's mini vacation.
I'm Jeff.
We've met, but Barb's gonna be here any minute, so, uh, would you put on some pants? You know, I can't believe that your sister chose the week I took days off to make a surprise visit.
I like Barb, but having someone around is gonna cramp my style.
Okay, first of all style? And I hardly get to see her at all.
This is the first time I get her all to myself.
Why isn't Rick coming? Kenny G concert? Rick is a great guy, all right? He's like my family.
I practically grew up with him.
Plus, he and Barb have, like- The perfect marriage.
Well, they do.
We could learn a little something from them, you know.
Yeah, I don't wanna learn anything from a guy who dry-cleans his jeans.
They have Saturday date night.
They power walk together.
They even garden.
You know what? You're right.
We should be more like them.
This Saturday night, let's power walk to the bedroom and plant some corn.
Just put on some pants.
All right, fine.
Oh, guess what I found in the closet? The closet? That's not my DVD.
That- Uh, Adam put that there.
No, this picture of me and Barb when we were kids.
Cute, huh? Who's the little boy? That's me.
I had a pixie cut.
They were very popular.
I'm guessing you weren't.
Heh.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh.
You look great.
Oh, California living.
Oh, you- Look at you.
You look good too.
Oh, New York stress and anxiety.
Oh.
Come on in.
How's Rick? How's the new house? Rick's good.
House is good.
Got a koi pond.
Okay, I think I've come up with a compromise.
The old Speedo.
Hello, Barbara.
Hey, Jeff.
Let's not hug.
* How many ways To say, "I love you"? * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * I'm just saying that once she tells you that she hates her father, you're in.
I don't hate my father, and Adam was still in.
Yeah, but he's in, as in "trapped.
" I'm talkin' in, like, "Hey, where'd that guy I just had sex with go?" Move over.
Hey, Bigfoot.
The one day I forget my camera.
How would you like my big foot to smash you like a bug? I'm good.
All right, well, I'm gonna let you little rascals start your meeting of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
I'll see you later, Spanky.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, you caught me one time.
Now I'm Spanky? Spanky's a character on The Little Rascals.
Oh.
Heh.
She- She never caught me.
Audrey's sister is really throwing a wrench in my days off.
You wanna spend them with Audrey? What? Is Audrey standing behind me right now? No.
Don't be stupid.
I wanted to spend my time off alone.
Oh, I-I haven't had alone time since I moved in with Jen.
Ha-ha.
You sure about that, Spanky? I just meant that Jen and I are always together.
You know, sometimes I just wanna zone out and not have anybody talking to me.
They do love talking.
Yeah, may be nice to watch Jeopardy without her shouting out the answers before I do.
You don't know the answers.
I- I-I know some.
A lot during Celebrity Week.
Anyway, I love Jen, but I just need some alone time, you know? Yeah, when I walk into our place and Audrey's not there so good.
Oh, that sounds great.
That's why I love not being in a relationship: I'm always alone.
Well, see, alone time is only valuable as a contrast to a relationship.
Sometimes there's nothing better than not being with your wife.
Mm.
Or your fiancée.
Yeah, it was great not being with Audrey when we were engaged, but it's even better when you're married.
Mm-mm.
I can't wait to not be with Jen when we're married.
And even when she's not there, lock the door, Spanky.
Audrey, I wanna record something, but it says it's supposed to record a ball game.
Oh, that's Jeff's.
You can change it.
The season's almost over.
That game can't be that important.
Hey, honey.
Oh, it was good.
A little turbulence.
The barbecue tongs? I don't know where they are.
Just use salad tongs.
Tongs are tongs, Rick.
Look, I-I'm just checking into the hotel here, so let's talk later, okay? Okay, bye.
The hotel? Yeah, um, he thinks I'm on a business trip in Boston.
W- ? I'm- I'm here because, um, Rick and I are having problems.
Is it just the tongs? 'Cause you guys can work that out.
Heh.
No, that's not it.
I- I've caught Jeff using the spatula as a backscratcher.
While flipping burgers.
Audrey, it's bigger than that.
I mean, everything with Rick has become about image and looking good.
I mean, I'm sick of it.
No, it's just a rough patch.
Come on.
You guys were high-school sweethearts.
You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe I never sowed my wild oats.
I mean, maybe I should've dated a thousand guys.
Like you.
If I'd had a guy like Rick, I wouldn't have had to date a thousand guys.
You know, maybe I just need to get something out of my system.
Like having meaningless sex with a sleazy video-store clerk.
He wasn't a clerk.
He was night manager.
Oh.
Oh, I know, I- I just need to cut loose.
Ah, your doorman looked kinda wild.
You think he's available? The doorman? Manny? Stop it.
You and Rick are great together.
I don't know anymore.
Look, just trust me.
Come on.
This is just a little phase.
Oh, never mind.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
All right.
Close the curtain.
There's a pervert across the way with a telescope.
He's married.
Jeff 1, urinal cake nothing.
You washed your hands, right? It said "employees must.
" Go for Jeff Bingham.
Hey, Audrey.
Diner.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Wow.
So that's what married phone sex sounds like? Audrey's on her way down, so maybe you should go.
Why does she think I'm such a dirtbag? What do you tell her about me? The truth.
Well, that only makes me look like a jackass.
She just dropped a bomb.
Barb and Rick are on the rocks, so Ooh la la.
Audrey's hot sister might be avail? Mmm.
Might be time to throw a shrimp on the Barbie.
You just called yourself a shrimp.
Ha-ha.
I don't care, as long as it's on the Barbie.
Hey.
Oh, hey, hon.
Hey.
Sorry about Barb.
Listen, you know, I always liked her.
She's really- No way.
Never.
She's nothing to you.
No, I'm just saying- No, you weren't.
But I- No.
Besides being married, Barb is a mature, intelligent woman.
And? And you're a horny little Chucky doll.
You know, I'm not as bad a guy as you think I am.
I have feelings.
In your pants.
Dude.
Look.
Ahem.
I'm sure I'm about the gazillionth person to say this to you, but, uh, stay away from my sister.
Okay? Isn't there some girls with low self-esteem convention you should be lurking around? Uh Well, there is that bakery next to the weight-loss center.
Hey, Jen.
Jen? "Name That Poet," "Stamps" and, finally, "Letter Perfect.
" All right, it's Teen Week.
I'm gonna kick some ass.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Oh, uh, who is William Shakespeare? I know, I can't believe they voted him off.
He was the best one.
Hey, hon.
Hey.
Okay, Kiki.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
What you watchin'? Nothing.
Oh, Jeopardy.
Great.
"This markswoman was featured in the Legends of the West series from 1994.
" Oh, who is-? Annie Oakley.
Who is Annie Oakley? Correct.
Ooh.
That's one for me.
Yeah.
Way to go.
Oh.
I mean, we are talking about Barb and Rick.
It's crazy, right? Ridiculous.
I mean, so they have problems.
What couple doesn't? It's a sad fact, but half of all marriages end in divorce.
It was either them or us.
We won.
Why can't their marriage work and some couple we don't know get divorced? It has to be people you know.
I don't make up the rules.
And look at it this way, the half of marriages that don't end in divorce end in death.
So Barb dodged a bullet there.
She just seems so confused and vulnerable right now.
Hey, is Manny working the door tonight? No, tonight's ADD Larry.
Good.
I'm just really glad she's here so I can look out for her.
I don't want her to do something impulsive she's gonna regret.
Hey, Russell.
Barb, I didn't know you were in town.
Well Barbara, we're back.
Brought you a pint of Cherry Garcia.
Barb? She's got five seconds to claim it, then it's mine.
Oh, no.
She went out with Russell.
Two, one, mine.
Russell? Oh, Barbara, no.
Relax, he's not gonna get anywhere with her.
"Get anywhere with her"? Don't even talk like that.
She's not answering.
What is that little weasel up to? Do you know anything about this? I don't, I swear.
Gonna go see if the doorman knows anything.
Take off those shiny earrings, otherwise ADD Larry won't be able to focus.
It's just that our life is so predictable.
Date night every Saturday, power walk every Sunday.
Oh, snore-us bore-ealis.
And every morning, Rick gets up at 6, on the treadmill for exactly one hour, and then 100 crunches.
Every freakin' day.
Now, you don't look like you go to the gym at all.
Oh, yeah, well, I used to, but I got all 'roided out.
You know? A lot of rage.
Lucky to be alive.
Ha-ha.
Oh, my God.
You mean you were once more ripped than you are now? Hey, speakin' of ripped.
Anyway, you want my opinion, Barbarella? I think ol' Rick might be trying to make up for a certain shortcoming.
Oh, believe me, that's not it.
Ah, crap.
If anything, it's the opposite.
Right.
Right.
I mean, the man's got- Okay.
What else is goin' on? I just love your mustache.
Ah.
It's so dirty.
Oh.
Oh.
Heh.
It's actually a goatee.
There's more down here.
The light's so horrible in here.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Somebody cleaned out the aquarium.
Ha-ha.
Look, I found Nemo.
Heh.
You know, Rick would never eat this.
Dry carbs after 3 p.
m.
is a no-no.
I think forgetting about Rick for the rest of the night is a big yes-yes.
Oh, how are you supposed to eat these? They're huge.
You think those are huge- Got it.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
What you reading? Wait, was that baby Shiloh? Turn back.
Oh, my God.
That's all of them.
Baby Shiloh, baby Suri, and Kingston and Apple.
This is the greatest issue ever.
Seriously, get out.
Huh? Yeah.
Get out.
Get out.
Get out, have fun.
You know? You- You- You seemed stressed lately.
Oh, I don't feel stressed.
That's the first sign of stress, is not feeling it.
You know, you should just have a night out with the girls.
Kiki and Deb asked me to go to see Breakfast at Tiffany's at the Film Forum tonight.
That's great.
Go.
I don't think I can make it.
Oh, you can if you leave right now.
Here.
All right, are you sure you'll be okay without me? Oh, honey, tonight's about you.
Now, go.
All right, I'll be home by 11.
Eleven p.
m.
, 11 a.
m.
, no rush.
Change of plans.
I don't know why she's not picking up.
Russell's moving in on Barb.
Russell's not picking up either.
Probably sees it's me calling.
I'll make us some tea.
I don't want tea.
Oh, seriously, light beer? What? Yeah, I just had some really nice alone time all set up, and your wife came over and ruined it.
Yeah, she does that.
Come on in.
I was, uh, just about to watch today's game.
I recorded it earlier, so keep the talking to a minimum.
Pants are optional.
Hm.
I-I opt to keep them on.
We each have our own path.
This is the first time I've been alone since Audrey's sister got here.
Let's watch the game.
Today, I've got the world's best cupcakes! What the hell? I wouldn't mind a cupcake.
Whoa.
Hey, watch the floppage.
My house, my floppage.
Mmm.
Ooh.
Mmm.
Mmm.
This chocolate is so good.
Yeah.
You can take the last bite.
No, I want you to have it.
Oh.
Um.
Mmm.
Good.
Mmm.
Hey.
You said I could have the last bite.
I did.
Oh, I'm such a liar.
I just needed one more bite.
Yeah.
You ordered another dessert, you sneaky devil.
Well, you know, chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
Audrey was wrong about you.
You're fun.
Aren't I? Come on.
I'm fun.
Yeah, that's what I need in my life.
More fun.
You wanna have some crazy fun? Might involve getting loud and sweaty.
* You really got me now * * You got me So I can't sleep at night * * You really got me You really got me * * You really got me * Oh, oh, oh! Yeah.
I can't believe she's not home.
It's almost 4 in the morning.
Here, call Russell again.
Huh? Oh, God, it is so creepy when you sleep with your eyes open.
That's what everyone at work says.
Oh, it is about time.
You better not have taken advantage of my sister, you little ferret.
Audrey, he was a complete gentleman.
You brainwashed her.
Jeff, pound him into the floor.
All right.
Audrey, he didn't do anything.
In fact, I made a move on him.
Why? I mean, look at him and look at you.
But he turned me down.
Why? I mean, look at her and look at you.
I get it.
She's more attractive.
Then what were you doing all night? Well, um, mostly talked.
I mean, Russell told me how his parents had problems, but they just gave up.
And he thinks their divorce was the biggest regret of their lives.
Next to having children.
Anyway, I decided I owe it to my marriage to try and work things out with Rick.
That guy there? And it was just then that Audrey realized that maybe, just maybe, there was more to Russell than meets the eye.
Off to bed, kids.
Nice to see you, Barb.
Thanks for everything.
All right.
So, what's your angle? Why do I have to have an angle? Can't I just be a good guy? All right, here's the angle.
Sure, I could've nailed that shut tonight, but then she'd feel guilty, and that'd be the end of it.
But if I play me cards right, and wait till the marriage fizzles, then it pays off big.
It's like a savings bond with hot sex dividends.
I'm not buying it.
I think you might actually be a good guy.
I'm just kidding.
You're a dirtbag.
Jeff? Jeff? Hey, Jeff.
Yeah? I thought you'd wanna know, things with me and Barb are okay now.
Oh, thanks for waking me up.
That could not have waited till the morning.
Hey, what Barb and Rick are going through Could that happen to us? Sure.
Sure.
What do you mean? I mean it's 5 a.
m.
If you don't stop talking, we're through.
You know, I really thought that they had the perfect marriage, you know? I guess they were just too good to be true.
Well, that's what I like about us.
We're not too good to be true.
We're just good enough.
What are you doing? If we ever renew our vows, I wanna remember that phrase.
Really? Heh.
You think about renewing our vows? Yeah, you're right.