The Golden Girls (1985) s02e02 Episode Script

Yep.
Yeah.
- Yep.
- Well? Your infestation profile is threefold.
You have silverfish and water bugs in the drainage areas.
Under the baseboards you have Blattaria andropolis.
Hear that? The Greek president lives under our baseboard.
Blattaria andropolis is a cockroach.
Maybe he'll be voted out next election.
What do you do to get rid of them? The next step is to ascertain the condition of your exterior.
I need to perform a cursory inspection of your subterranean substructure.
- Crawl under the house? - Easy to make it sound stupid.
Poor man, how does he face himself every day knowing his life is devoted to killing living things? Rose, I don't think a guy who drives around with a fibreglass termite on his van ponders many deep questions.
Blanche, what's the matter? Oh, girls, I'm just in ecstasy.
My body is tingling all over.
Guess what just happened.
We know what happened.
What part of the Middle East is he from? I just won the raffle at the movie theatre.
Tickets to the premiere of Burt Reynolds' new movie tomorrow.
- That's nice.
- Yes.
And passes for me and my two best friends to the private party afterwards to be hosted by none other than Mr Burt Reynolds himself.
- Sophia, honey - Oh, no.
Not this time.
I'm tired of being Tonto of the group.
I couldn't get another ticket.
Then this time we'll draw cards.
I missed out on Evita.
Ma, I'm not giving up a chance to meet Burt Reynolds.
- Me neither.
- Et tu, Blanche? Sophia, Burt Reynolds is one of our finest living actors.
He should have won the Oscar for Deliverance.
Not to mention Starting Over.
That Academy's just jealous.
Put Sir Laurence Olivier in Cannonball Run, see what he can do.
I'm sorry, Sophia, but the answer's no.
Fine.
Break an old lady's heart.
I'll be out back with the rest of the garbage.
Don't worry, she'll get over it.
And even if she doesn't, who cares? We're gonna meet Burt Reynolds.
I always get this reaction when I wear the tight jumpsuit.
- What did you find? - Bad news.
You've got termites.
- No.
Can you get rid of 'em? - Haven't you heard our motto? - What is it? - "We get rid of termites".
We'll tent the house.
You'll have to move out for two days.
Where will we stay? How about a beautiful hotel over on Miami Beach? We're meeting Burt Reynolds.
Let's make a weekend out of it.
We can't afford a hotel there.
I'll find one we can afford.
What do you say? - I think it's a terrific idea.
- OK.
You can start tomorrow.
I'm off to find us the perfect hotel for our perfect weekend.
Ma, a hotel on the beach.
Doesn't that sound like fun? I can go? I don't get gassed with the termites? Dorothy, you're such a good daughter.
She'll get over it.
And if she doesn't, who cares? We're going to meet Burt Reynolds.
You want the bed next to the TV or the window? The bed next to Burt Reynolds.
Fine, I'll take this one.
- Ma, are you all right? - Yeah.
Just a little relapse from my pneumonia.
You remember.
I ran six miles in the rain to bring you the cannoli for your lunchbox.
Ma, please.
Don't worry, I'll be all right.
You all go schmooze with Burt and his buddies.
I'll stay here and hack myself unconscious.
That's being a good sport.
Dorothy, you think Burt's gonna like this dress? Yeah.
That plunging neckline will really show off his chest hair.
The last time I wore this was at the 1972 presidential inauguration.
I danced in the arms of the president.
The next morning I woke up still in his arms.
Blanche.
You and Nixon? Nixon? No.
I can't even picture Nixon naked.
He must look like one of those little dress-up dolls.
Little mounds of plastic to indicate where things oughta be.
No, I was talking about Mr William "Buster" Collier.
The president of the Chamber of Commerce.
Oh, that presidential inauguration.
Buster wanted me to be his First Lady - but he died two days later.
- I'm sorry.
He was performing his first official function: Breaking a champagne bottle over the new tollbooth.
But before he could step out of the way, he was run over by ten Shriners on minibikes who just happened to have the exact change.
So many of our great leaders have gone that way.
There's a story in the paper about the party tonight.
- Really? - Look who's gonna be there.
Dom DeLuise.
Loni Anderson.
Charles Nelson Reilly.
Charles Nelson Reilly.
God.
Who else? - John Forsythe.
- Mr John Forsythe.
Oh, my God.
He's just the sexiest man in television.
And Burt is the sexiest man in the movies.
I cannot believe this.
All that manliness in one crowded room.
Hot crowded room.
Everybody's steamy bodies all pressed Blanche.
Relax.
You'll set off the smoke detector.
Hello? This is Rose Nylund.
What? I'm one of the winners of the Publishers Clearing House? Ed McMahon wants to see me right away? Leave my Burt Reynolds ticket on the dresser before I go? Ma, get off the phone.
Mind your own business.
Guess what.
I think this is Sophia.
Which room's available? Room 506.
The room is 50, the young lady's 100.
Make it quick.
I'm not running a hotel here.
Girls, don't you just love our hotel? It's much nicer than those big chains.
How did you find it? It's in our price range, near the beach and it had the most men in the lobby.
Let's go.
We don't wanna keep Burt waiting.
Wait a minute.
Let's have a quick drink in the bar.
- Oh, Blanche.
- Come on.
It'll be fun.
OK, but let's make it quick.
Miss.
Girls, you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes.
- Do you wanna move tables? - Not yet, he's only half done.
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you from across the room.
My friends and I would like to buy you ladies a drink.
Thank you, but we don't have much time.
- This is Carl and this is John.
- We're all from Kenosha.
I know a John from Kenosha.
I'll bet you know a lot of Johns.
That's a good one.
It must be regional humour.
- We're at the clothing show.
- Oh, is leather big this year? It is with Carl.
Yeah.
As long as I don't have to pay extra.
Even I don't get that one.
What's your name? Blanche.
These are my friends Rose and Dorothy.
So, how long have you girls been working? That's an odd lead-off question, Carl.
But actually I've been working about 30 years.
You must really know your business.
Dorothy's a very experienced teacher.
Everybody who's had her says she's great.
Let's get some drinks, go upstairs and have Dorothy teach us the three Rs.
Reading, writing, running around the bed.
As enticing as the offer is, we really must pass.
If you don't wanna party, there are younger girls that'll take our money.
Girls who'll take their money.
You know what he thinks we are? Waitresses? No, Rose.
Hookers.
God, that must mean everybody here is Everybody is under arrest.
It's a raid.
All right, everybody stay right where they are.
The wagons will be here momentarily to transport all of you downtown.
Downtown? He means jail.
Oh, really, Rose.
I thought he meant Neiman Marcus.
I've never been in jail.
I won't make it.
They always prey on the weak and innocent.
They'll taunt me for trying to excel at my work in the laundry.
I'll fall in with a bad crowd whose leader looks like Ethel Merman.
I'll be forced to engineer a prison break using my laundry cart.
From that time on I won't know a moment's peace.
I'll scar my fingerprints with battery acid and run from town to town taking jobs that people have who got bad grades.
Then one day they'll find me, holed up in a shack in the Louisiana bayou.
A sheriff named Bull will call my name over a megaphone.
When I run, he'll riddle my body with bullets.
Please don't let them take me downtown.
I wanna live.
You're not good in a crisis, are you, Rose? Dorothy, what are we gonna do? We'll have to explain that this is all a terrible mistake.
Officer.
What can I do for the senior statesman of the group? I'll let that pass because you have the upper hand.
My friends and I are totally innocent.
- I'm innocent too.
- Me too.
Quiet, you trash.
Go on, Dorothy.
Officer, if I could see you for just a moment, I'm sure we could settle this matter to your satisfaction.
Forget it.
I happen to be a married man.
All of you downtown.
We're moving now.
Officer, you don't understand.
We were on our way to see Burt Reynolds.
Don't you dare drag Burt's good name into this.
Move.
Move, all of you.
Let's go.
Move it.
Come on.
Come on.
I cannot believe it.
Arrested.
- I've never been in jail in my life.
- Relax, honey.
With the notches you must have on your garter belt it was bound to happen.
Oh, Rose.
Rose, honey.
Are you all right? I was booked.
Fingerprints, mug shots.
I'm a known criminal.
I can't go back to my home town.
- Nobody's ever gonna find out.
- Oh, yes, they will.
The St Olaf Courier Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting.
You're right.
That series they did on oat fungus was an uncompromising piece of journalism.
Damn.
I bet you Burt is greeting his guests right now.
I can't believe we're gonna miss it.
I won't accept it.
Excuse me.
Officer.
A grievous injustice has been perpetrated against my friends and me.
We are totally innocent.
We're just three helpless females, desperately in need of a big strong strapping man like yourself.
What cute earrings.
Did you really think you could get us out by flirting with that guard? - Yes, if he'd been a man.
- Sure.
It's always a man with you.
Men and sex, sex and men.
There's nothing wrong with being career-oriented.
It's your overactive sex drive that got us into this mess.
Who picks a hotel because of all the men? Just get off my back.
You think I'm happy about being arrested? You think I'm happy about missing Burt Reynolds or about being locked up with this gutter trash? What did you just say? What cute earrings.
Nobody calls me names.
Come on, I'll let you have the first punch.
Punch? Heavens.
Fight, fight.
You cut that out right now.
I'm gonna tear you apart.
Listen, you punk.
You wanna fight, you'll have to fight me.
But I warn you, I did time in Attica.
Attica's a men's prison.
I know.
I was there a year before they found out.
Sorry, chief.
I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
Oh, Dorothy.
That was magnificent.
How did you ever pull that off? I work in the public school system.
It's not that different.
Oh, Blanche.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I apologise.
Don't you worry.
We're all on edge.
This is the biggest disappointment of my life.
Yes.
And I've known some real disappointment, believe me.
You're not gonna tell us that story about the exploding pig again, are you? I never told you a story about an exploding pig, Dorothy.
It was a peg-legged pig.
Our possum was the one that exploded.
Forgive me, Rose.
With so many possum explosions, it's hard to keep track.
So what was this great disappointment in your life? Butter.
I wanted to be Butter Queen.
What an actress.
She was so good in Gone With The Wind.
I wanted to be Miss Olivia de Havilland myself.
- Blanche, are you listening? - Bits and pieces.
Go on, Rose.
Butter Queen was our town's highest honour.
From the time I was born my folks groomed me for it.
Singing lessons, dancing lessons, junior butter pageants.
For 16 years my entire life revolved around butter.
You were very fortunate.
So many of us wasted our youth.
When the time came for the pageant, I was incredible.
I showed poise in the evening-gown competition.
I was brilliant in the oral butter quiz.
They couldn't even trip me up with a trick margarine question.
That evening butter was spelt R-O-S-E.
Rose, you're embarrassing yourself.
Please don't go on.
I have to.
I've kept these bitter butter memories too long.
As the pageant drew to its frenzied finale, there I was, alongside the other two finalists, churning my guts out.
When all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, my churn jammed.
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
And just like that, it was over.
I'd lost.
It was the biggest disappointment in my life.
It was small consolation to find out, years later, there had been churn-tampering involved.
Blanche.
Rose, we're going to the other end of the cell.
Don't cross this line.
Did I hear you say that you were from St Olaf? - Yes.
- I'm from St Gustaf.
We're neighbours.
My name's Meg.
I'm Rose.
What are you doing here, Meg? I was arrested for being a hooker, like you.
I'm not a hooker.
I was arrested by mistake.
That's what I always tell the judge, too.
How did you get mixed up in this? I don't know.
Things were bad at home.
I ended up in Miami.
It just happened.
Nothing could be bad enough at home for you to end up doing what you're doing.
I don't need a lecture.
But you can't be happy with your life.
- I don't wanna talk about it.
- If you ever wanna talk, you know, neighbour to neighbour, I'm here.
Ma, thank God you're here.
Arrested for prostitution.
I can't believe it.
Sophia.
Sophia, we're innocent.
How can these cops think anyone would pay to sleep with you? Sophia, did you come to bail us out? No, Rose, she's dropping off a manicotti with a file in it.
We're gonna see Burt after all.
I thought these tickets were gonna go to waste.
Which one of you isn't going? I'm the one who won the tickets.
It's my mom who's bailing us out.
I lost Butter Queen.
Haven't I suffered enough? - We'll draw straws.
- No.
- We'll flip a coin.
- No.
Sophia, now try and be understanding.
Understanding? I came to bail you out and you won't let me go? Ma, stop complaining and get us out of here.
Where are your roommates? - They're not here.
- Ma.
Don't "Ma" me, you cheap floozy.
Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood? You'll get over it.
If you don't, who cares? I'm off to see Burt Reynolds.
And then, you're gonna love this, Dom DeLuise insists I tell Burt the story.
Sophia, I don't wanna hear any more.
Not even the part where Burt and Dom insisted I tell it to Loni? That's it.
I don't wanna hear another word.
Cinderella's back from the ball and her wicked roommates are jealous.
We are not jealous, Ma.
We are angry.
You left us in jail.
I sent bail money.
You were out an hour later.
That was the time I was nibbling a giant shrimp out of Jerry Reed's hand.
You're making this up just to rub it in.
You have never met these people.
Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy.
And so are you in anything backless.
Last night was a bigger disappointment than losing Butter Queen.
- Do you wanna know why? - No.
Meg.
Come in.
I can't, my taxi's waiting.
I just wanted to stop by and say thank you.
- For what? - For convincing me to go home.
I figured I'd give it another try.
Oh, that's great.
What was it I said? Nothing.
I didn't wanna be your age and still be in the business.
Well, good luck.
I've never felt so good and so cheap in my whole life.
At least something good came out of that horrible night.
- Sophia around? - Hi, Burt.
- How about a little lunch? - How about a big lunch? My God.
You're Mr Burt Reynolds.
I hope so, otherwise I got the wrong underwear on.
- These your roommates? - Yeah.
- Which one's the slut? - I am.