The King of Queens s02e02 Episode Script

Come on, Stan.
That's enough sniffing.
How about some action? Doug.
Fine-looking lady, 12:00.
Look at the walking sticks on her.
She's the A train and it's a lucky man who's holding a token.
All aboard! You know what I'm saying, huh? Yeah, she's pretty cute.
- What did you say? - I'm agreeing with you, she's cute.
You're putting me in a very uncomfortable position here, Douglas.
- What? - You're married to my daughter and you're ogling another woman right in front of me? How dare you! I'm just trying to walk my dog.
Fine! Sweet charity, that's a tasty-looking lamb chop.
You with me? - Hey, boy.
- Moose.
Thought you weren't getting here till, like, 8.
We could've got here at 8, but then it'd be too late to sit at the Met game.
The Mets, tonight? I could kiss you on the mouth.
Excuse me, I'm the one who bought the tickets.
Gotta go, gents.
Yeah, let me just leave a note for Carrie.
Hey, did you know beers are 5.
50 at Shea now? Oh, yeah? Well, they're free here.
I had the worst day.
You did, huh? You want to very quickly tell me about it? My firm just won that big airline case, which I worked 2,000 hours on and my boss walks around the office and thanks everybody personally by name.
Did I get a thanks? I hope so.
No, I got a, "Where's my bagel?" I was so ticked off that I stole a bottle of Wite-Out and it opened in my purse.
- Hug, honey? - Oh, yeah, sure.
Come here.
Yeah.
There you go.
You feel better? That's good, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Massage? Okay, why am I the one who has to smuggle beer in? Because you're oddly shaped as it is.
Now suck in your stomach.
Okay, cold beer.
Cold! Hey, what's taking Doug so long? Honey, that feels so good.
You're my official rub boy for the rest of the night.
Okay, stop it, stop it, you're in the eye.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Hi.
Doug? It's a quarter of.
What's up? Spence got us Met tickets.
It's all here in the note.
Why didn't you just tell me? Why'd you let me keep babbling? Because I care about you, you know? I also care about the Mets, so I was torn.
Go have fun.
Go.
- Really? Yeah? - Yes.
Yeah, go.
Okay.
You should call a friend and go out too.
Have a good time.
Yeah, maybe.
I'll see.
We always said Friday night was friend night.
Honey, would you just go? I'll be fine.
- I love-- - Doug! Coming now! See you later, okay? Hey, Kel, it's me.
Listen, wanna go grab some dinner tonight? Oh, I don't mind going with you and the kids.
You promised them Chuck E.
Cheese, huh? Hey, Lynn.
I know we haven't talked for three years, but I gotta tell you I don't even remember what our fight was about.
Okay, Lynn? Lynn.
Ly Lynn? Lynn.
Okay, fine.
You know what? You're still a slut.
- Hey, you.
- Hey, how was the game? Oh, it was great.
Extra innings, which means let's face it, I ate more.
I'm guessing you didn't go out tonight.
No.
Wow, that's a lot of gumballs.
It's pretty easy once you get the edges.
Still.
I thought you were gonna call one of your friends.
- I don't have any friends.
- What are you talking about? - You have friends.
- No, I did.
Now they all have babies or they hate me or I hate them.
You know, why don't we just forget this whole "friend night" thing and you and I just hang out on Friday night? That's certainly one way to go.
Or we keep friend night and we find you a friend, huh? Find me a friend.
Okay, that doesn't make me sound too pathetic.
You know what? I just remembered.
There's a woman who just moved in down the street.
- So? - It's fate.
Hi, fate.
Hey.
Neighbours.
Just came by to say howdy.
What? Yes.
Yes, thank you very much.
I'm sorry, I'll be with you in two seconds.
I just need to find my I'm sorry, what? You're neighbours? Yes, indeed.
Doug and Carrie Heffernan.
Just came by to welcome you to the 'hood.
- Hi.
I'm Carrie.
- Hi, hi, hi.
Got a name there? Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Jessica Wicks.
- I'm sorry, I'm so frazzled, it's just-- - Hey.
I've spent the last two days moving out of my loft, which I had every right to keep, but you know what? My ex-husband can have it, he can enjoy it.
With any luck, he'll trip and split his head open on the coffee table.
This is nice.
Oh, there they are.
Oh, hey, smoker, honey, huh? Carrie here used to be a big smoker.
Still would be too, but she started to cough up black stuff.
Ah, but she loved it.
- So, what house you in? - 8013.
Just down the block.
Oh, wait a minute.
There was a really cute guy who came out of 8017.
- Freak.
- Really? He has a rabbit and he walks it.
You'll see him.
Shoot, I was hoping for a piece of that.
Me too.
Oh, kidding, honey.
Hey, look at this, you both wanna sleep with the same guy.
Hey, I'll watch the rabbit.
- Douglas.
- Arthur.
Thank God it's dinnertime.
TGID, right? What? Never mind.
Never mind.
- So you have a good day? - Oh, yeah, very busy.
Long story short, all the shag carpet is now the same length.
Hey, where's the food? I don't know.
It's usually just right here.
- What do we do? - I don't know.
What do we do? Hey, I know about as much as you do right now.
- Carrie? - Sweetheart? Carrie? Douglas, is there a plan B? Are you kidding me? They're huge, and she still says they're real.
Oh, stop.
They still have the price tag on them.
- Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Dad.
- Hey.
Hiya, Doug.
Hi, Mr.
Spooner.
- Please, call me Dutch.
- Sorry we're late.
We were shopping, and we picked up Greek food from a place Jess knows.
So you guys were together again today.
Hey, I did a pretty good job.
I got a natural ability for this, don't I? It's a gift.
It's a gift.
It really is.
God gave me the gift.
I got the power! So this morning, I'm scanning bar codes with the new 826 for It's gotta be, like, half the morning, right? I scan, send it out.
Scan, send it out.
Then, I check down.
Finally, I Which sauce goes on these lumpy balls? Lumpy balls? White stuff.
Thank you.
Anyway, I look down at the data bank and there's nothing.
There's no data.
And the packages, they're out there.
They're gone, right? So I don't even Oh, my God.
This is awesome.
I know, I know.
Can you believe there is a place this good in that skeevy little mini-mall? I know.
You know what? This goes to show you, we should try that gynaecologist on the second floor.
- You first.
- You first, lady girl.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
What were you saying? Okay.
So the packages, they're gone, right? Without a shred of data.
Oh, and by the way, this all happening on a day when we're a man short.
- So, what I do is - Oh, it's me.
- Oh, do you mind? - No, no, no.
Just remember.
Scanner broken, man short.
Hello? Oh, hi.
It's Steve.
- Yeah.
- Who's Steve? Who did she say Steve was? She didn't say.
Steve Allen? It's her ex-husband.
No, I do not have your precious DVD player.
I don't even know what a DVD player is.
- I have it.
- Good.
So listen, I'm pulling into a parking garage right now, so if I lose you I'll Oh, you did not.
Parking garage.
I like that.
I use tunnel, but I think people are catching on to that one.
Oh, yeah.
So anyway, you were saying about work, the scale at work? - Scanner.
- Right, the scanner.
Okay, so, what happened? Okay, scanner broken, man down, packages gone, right? Then, turns out, one of the packages on the truck was full of scanners.
- That's funny, baby.
- It is funny.
Oh, sure, it's funny.
Barrel of laughs, until little Jimmy doesn't get his new bike.
You don't understand the point of the story.
See, it's ironic that our scanner went down and we sent out a perfectly good box of scanners without scanning it.
- That's not ironic.
- Yes, it is! Forget it.
I'm getting a beer.
So, what else did you get besides the DVD player? His Soloflex and his insulin.
- You didn't get the insulin.
- Yes, I did.
Not a twist-off.
No, Jess, you were totally right.
Hey.
No, I mean, if they screwed it up, you shouldn't have to pay for it.
I'm home.
No, I've done that.
About a year ago, they made my nails look like crap and I just walked out.
And then what'd she say? Really? So, what happened? She still talking to Jessica? Yeah.
That young lady is a breath of fresh air.
Such passion, such joie de vivre.
Something we could use a little more of around here.
What are you trying to say? That was not your best package story last night.
I was interrupted.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
You're going out with your friends Friday night, right? We didn't talk yet, but I don't even-- Yeah, I can go.
Yeah, that sounds great.
"Yeah, I can go.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Yeah.
" Friday night.
Out with the boys.
Me and the boys are out.
What are we gonna do? There's gotta be one movie that isn't sold out.
I said we should've bought tickets over the phone.
That's gay.
What is gay about buying tickets over the phone? It just is.
You know where Carrie and Jessica went tonight? They went to a jazz club.
You believe that crap? I like jazz.
Hey, Dougie.
Somebody's in a good mood.
I guess you really like jazz, huh? No, we left after 10 minutes, we went bowling.
Bowling? You hate bowling.
I don't think you can call what we did bowling.
I think, combined, we bowled, like, a 20.
And, oh, by the way, I got hit on by the shoe rental guy, so treat me right, baby.
Car, could you come here for a sec? I think we need to have a little talk.
Oh, sure.
What's up? If you had to think of one thing missing from our marriage, what would that be? A commitment to dieting? Fair enough.
But that's really just me.
I meant from us together, like as a couple.
- Foreplay? - Again, more me.
I'm gonna stop the bleeding here and just tell you what's on my mind.
There you go.
I just think that if you and I don't, you know, make an effort to spend more quality time together, potentially, we could veer.
- Veer? - Veer, yeah.
Veer.
Like, we started here, okay? But lately, we've kind of gone like this.
What we need to do is go back to here.
Okay? Because when we're here, I wanna be a part of this, but I'm over here so I can't.
So, what you're saying is, you hate Jessica.
No, no, no.
She's fine.
She's fine.
It's just that, I think maybe it's not such a good idea that you spend so much time with her.
You're the one who dragged me down the block so I could have a friend.
I did want you to have a friend.
I just didn't think you'd be this good at it.
Well, yeah.
Turns out that I'm loveable.
Who knew? Come on, all I'm saying is I wanna spend some more time with you.
- Okay, when? - Tomorrow.
- Can't do it.
- Come on.
Honey, I have to go buy a dress for my work party.
You don't wanna come shopping with me, do you? Very much so.
Yeah.
Listen, if you and I don't reconnect, I feel a veer coming Okay, don't do the hand thing again.
Okay, what do you think of this one? The bows are kind of stupid, right? Well, I wouldn't call them stupid, no.
Whimsical, yes.
Unexpected, yes.
- Are you sure you wanna be here? - Yes.
You could go down to the food court, get a Cinnabon.
No, no, no.
I mean, later, yes.
But together, as a couple.
Right now, I'm here to help you pick out a dress.
Okay, I'm gonna go try a few of these on.
Hey, wow me.
Well? That's nice.
Nice too.
Also nice.
Oh, yes.
Yup.
There it is.
Really? You like this? Really? I love it.
It's orange and blue.
Mets colours.
I'll try another one.
Carrie.
Doug.
- Jessica? - Hi.
- Hi.
This is so funny.
- I know.
- Isn't this funny? This is so funny.
- I know.
What are you doing here? Oh, we're just looking for dresses for my office party.
These dresses over here.
This, this, this and this.
Well, for what it's worth, I really love that flowered one.
- This one, yeah? - Yeah.
It's fabulous.
Wrap it up.
Not sure we're agreeing with you there, Jessica.
No? Oh, whatever.
Okay, well, they don't have what I need, so gotta go.
See you.
Well, I'm all set, honey.
Next stop, Cinnabon.
- You called her, huh? - Called who, honey? Called Jessica from the dressing room.
This was supposed to be our day but you had to bring her.
Yeah, that's what I did, Doug, I called her from the dressing room.
Right.
Okay, fine, then I'll just press redial on your phone.
- See what happens, who called who.
- Stop it.
Give it to me.
- No, no, no.
- Would you stop it? - No.
- Give it to me.
- You're being stupid.
- Redial.
- Okay, it says I have to roam.
- Okay.
Don't roam.
I called her, all right? Fine.
You know what? Then call her back and have a great day together.
Go shopping for dresses, go to jazz clubs, date shoe-rental guys, whatever, I don't care, you know? And if you need me, sorry, I'm taking a bus home.
After a brief stop at Cinnabon.
Oh, my God, what have you done? Still working on that.
Sorry.
So how many did you have here? Four.
I would've had five, but I dropped one in front of Foot Locker.
So be honest with me.
Okay.
What? You like Jessica better than me, don't you? Come on, you do.
You light up when she calls, when she stops by, you run over to her like a puppy.
You laugh at her stories, which aren't half as funny as my scanner story.
You know, I told it at Cooper's, and by the way, it got a very nice response.
Doug, I don't like her better than you.
That's ridiculous.
Prove it.
Kill her.
Look, I haven't had a friend in a while, I admit I went a little nuts.
But you shouldn't be threatened by my friends, I'm not threatened by your friends.
Well, what about if I get to keep my friends and you don't get any ever? All right, I threw it out there.
I love you.
I love you too.
So which dress did you pick? Did you pick mine or Jessica's, huh? Neither.
I got this one.
Very nice.
Celtics.
Douglas? - Douglas? - What? Arthur, what's the matter? Nothing, I just wanted to tell you I looked it up in the dictionary, and you were right.
That scanner story was ironic.
I thought "ironic" meant "made entirely of iron.
" - Good night, Arthur.
- Sleep tight.