Frasier s02e03 Episode Script

Oh, my God! Fire, fire! Eddie, where are you, boy? - Dad, wake up! Are you in there? - Here, Eddie! Dad, where are you? - Have you seen Eddie? - No! Where is the fire? It's all right! False alarm! The one over my bed went off.
- Thank God.
- And Eddie's back in my room.
The noise it makes! It would be less upsetting to wake up on fire.
- What triggered it? - Who knows? I was dozing when it started screaming away for no reason.
I see.
What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's room! Bad dog! I know you have a no-smoking rule.
I'm sorry.
Every now and again, I feel a bit tense and I find a ciggy can be soothing.
Real soothing! It should be an hour until my heart stops fibrillating.
It figures.
3:00 am, on the night before I have an early meeting.
Aren't you going back to bed? No.
I'll just sit up for a bit.
- I'm feeling a bit blue.
- Anything you'd like to talk about? No.
You need your sleep.
It's nothing important.
Just that my life's a gaping sinkhole and I'm marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine.
Well, so long as you're sure.
I really wish you'd tell me about it.
- If you must know, it's my love life.
- Really? Have you been seeing a man? Only when I close my eyes and concentrate.
- Going through a bit of a drought? - Small wonder.
The rare times I do go out, it's with your father.
People assume I'm his daughter or his girlfriend.
Either way, it's like having a personal can of stud repellent.
I know how bleak these times can be, but they end sooner or later.
I remember a time when I was going through the same.
Just a week later, I met a lovely barmaid.
Sophisticated, if a bit loquacious.
We fell madly in love.
We got engaged.
She left me standing at the altar but the point is, I didn't give up.
I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith.
Put it in her food processor and hit the purée button.
I rebounded, and look how far I've come.
I'm divorced, lonely living with my father.
You missed your meeting with the new station manager.
Oh, no! I completely forgot.
You look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
I was up with Daphne, competing to see whose love life was more pathetic.
On the bright side, I won.
I know what your problems are.
What are hers? She's just having trouble finding men.
- Say no more.
- No, Roz, please.
You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends.
- I'd be happy to.
- One hates to break up a collection.
Triple espresso and my mocha latte.
- Does that chocolate look different? - No.
I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand.
Waxy.
- Sven Bachman, an aerobics coach.
- No.
This one's perfect.
Günther Dietrich.
He's loads of fun and he's a model.
A German narcissist.
Appealing combination.
- OK.
I'll keep looking.
- For what? A man for Daphne.
- What? - Here we go.
He's a tennis instructor called Brick.
Dear God, Frasier! Sven, Günther, Brick? Why not just soak Daphne in baby oil and hurl her over the prison wall? I've dated all these guys.
Where do you think I came up with the imagery? Listen, you little titmouse Niles, you are out of line here.
And, Roz, he does have a point.
You and Daphne are different.
Daphne is very shy and inexperienced.
You are You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who's more No one I've dated is good enough for her.
Is that what you're trying to say? No.
That's what I'm trying not to say.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait! No, I can't stay! The fleet is in! And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system.
In a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands.
We'll be right back after these messages.
In future, please keep your half-eaten food off my console.
- In fact, stay out of my sight.
- You're still mad.
I can tell.
There's that sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies.
Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you, but I feel very protective about Daphne.
The man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart - Excuse me.
- Yes? - I'm Tom Duran, the new manager.
- Pleasure to meet you.
Sorry about the meeting.
I slept through it.
Yeah, me too, and I was there.
Say, that's a beautiful tie.
I got this in London at one of those custom shops off Sloane Square.
I just came from London.
Five years with the BBC.
Really? I love London.
The museums, the theatre.
Yeah.
I'm a big theatre buff.
I hated leaving.
- Why did you? - I just went through a messy break-up.
I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.
Yes, I know the feeling.
So I take it then you are unattached? Yes, but I haven't given up hope.
- You may be in the right place.
- Really? Yes.
- You're fond of the English? - Yes.
I have a weakness for people who are a bit eccentric.
- Really? - 15 seconds.
- Nice meeting you.
- Likewise.
Tom, this may sound like short notice but if you're free Saturday, come for dinner.
- Thanks.
I'd like that.
- Great! Hello, Seattle.
We're back.
Roz, whom do we have next? James from Tacoma on line one.
Hello, James.
I'm listening.
- Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Tom.
Every job I take, word spreads like wildfire.
- What's that? - Oh, you know.
Tell one or two people you're gay and it's all over the station.
Well, they don't call it broadcasting for nothing.
- He seems like a nice guy.
- He's OK.
I hope he's more than OK.
He just asked me out on a date.
- Frasier asked you out on a date? - He asked me round for dinner.
What's his favourite wine? - You should know - What? - He's nuts about Chardonnay.
- Thanks.
Does he ask permission first? No, he sets me up and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm Cinderella.
I told you, this is not a setup.
Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Oh, an ambush, then.
Much nicer.
My friends in Manchester used to set me up.
Always some gangly bounder with a long reach and he wasn't going for the Colman's mustard! Tom is just a co-worker coming by for a pleasant dinner.
If some spark ignites, fine, but there is no pressure.
- Is that what you're wearing? - Why? What's wrong with it? What about something with more oomph? What about that strapless number? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is? Thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact, I do.
Tom, come in! Good to see you.
- I thought you'd like Chardonnay.
- Oh, my! That's my favourite.
- Like the place? - It's a hell of a view.
It's even better from the bedroom.
Why don't we just start with a drink? - Four places.
Who's joining us? - Just my little household.
My father and his physical therapist, charming Daphne.
You live with your dad? I can't imagine that.
It's great you get along, but doesn't having him here kind of cramp your love life? Not at all.
Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them.
He's quite the old rascal.
- Good evening.
- Oh, look who we have here! Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne.
Daphne, this is Tom Duran.
- It's a pleasure.
- Likewise.
Dr Crane, you didn't take his coat.
May I? Ooh, this is strange! I'm picking up a vibration from your coat.
- Excuse me? - She feels she has psychic powers.
- You know those English eccentrics.
- You've just had a painful break-up.
- Yes.
You told her that! - No.
A bitter dispute over opera recordings.
Excuse me.
I'll nip into the kitchen.
I have a bird to baste.
- Quite something, huh? - She's great! I love that accent! Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this joker, do I? - Tom, my father, Martin Crane.
- Nice to meet you.
Sorry about that "joker" business.
I call everybody joker.
Or jerk.
Pinhead.
Bozo.
Amazingly, he's free for dinner on short notice.
Why don't I just open this wine? - Well? - Oh, he's a looker! I'm glad to have my lucky bra.
He's worth every wire digging into my rib cage.
He thinks you're great, too.
Oh, go on! Oh, God! Listen to me getting carried away like a schoolgirl! No, I'm not raising my hopes tonight.
Though I'm glad I raised my bosom.
Let me tell you, you gonna love Seattle.
It's a real people place.
- Good food, great bars.
- Any you recommend? I hang out at Duke's.
Great crowd.
Lot of young cops.
- You like football? - Yeah! I missed it in London.
We could see a game.
Frasier hates it, so it would just be us.
Hey, Frasier warned me about you.
Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud.
Here we are.
Tom Dad, I selected a little vintage for you, too.
I didn't bring the pull-tab for you to sniff.
Merci beaucoup.
Excuse me.
- Oh, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
Oh, thank you.
- I'm just returning your book.
- Thank you.
Don't let me keep you.
- Am I interrupting something? - I'm introducing a man to Daphne.
- I guess you don't want me around.
- Thank you.
How do you do? - I'm Dr Niles Crane.
- I'm Tom Duran.
The bird's done.
All I need is strong arms to haul it out.
I don't need to be asked twice.
During the interview, her stomach rumbles and her body mic picks it up.
But what can I say? "Excuse me, would Her Majesty care for a Tums?" I could listen to your stories all night.
They're so funny.
And all involving bodily functions.
Tom, I could use a little hand.
No, Daphne.
After all that cooking, you must be strapless.
- Niles, can I speak with you? - Yes.
- Did I do anything that offended you? - No.
It must be in my head.
I sensed you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
Well, if you must know I'm sorry, what was the question? Do you have a problem with me dating your brother? No.
Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk to you.
There are others who would like a crack at him.
That Tom's a great guy.
You think maybe him and Daphne? I can't remember when I last had such a wonderful evening.
We should thank you.
I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.
You've still got Mr Crane going.
- Daphne, music might be appropriate.
- Good idea.
She's quite a woman, isn't she? Yes, she's really something.
- Frasier, I was wondering - Yes? Before the evening's over, could we get a little one-on-one time? Ooh, I think I can arrange that.
He says he wants to be alone with you.
This is my lucky bra! Keep the wine flowing! I'll fix my lipstick! I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack.
I don't want to stand in the way of young romance.
- Thanks.
- Good night, Tom.
Good night, Martin.
- You should run along, too.
- Yes.
And Frasier, I was wrong about Tom.
If I had to choose a man for Daphne, I'd pick him.
- Night, Tom.
Nice to meet you.
- Night.
Frasier, a word in your ear.
Excuse me.
I have to tell you something.
Dad wanted to, but I won the toss.
- Yes? - I had a little chat with Tom.
He's interested in pursuing a romance but his object is not Daphne.
Damn that Roz! No, no.
It's you.
Me? That's impossible.
Tom's not gay.
He seems to be under that impression.
What made him think? I just asked if he was attached.
Then we talked about the theatre and men's fashion Oh, my God! - You realise what this means? - Yes.
You're dating your boss.
You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
But he didn't say He never mentioned I'll call you tomorrow.
But not too early of course.
So So God, I hate this song! I've broken my rule for you.
I usually don't date guys I work with.
Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you, too.
You're cute when you're nervous.
I must be downright adorable now.
Listen, Tom.
I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here.
The truth is, I'm entirely straight.
If you're not interested, just say so.
No, it's true.
I really am.
I invited you because you seemed so charming and you like the British.
I thought you might be perfect for Daphne.
I can't believe this! You had no idea that I'm gay? It never even occurred to me that you might be gay.
Well, it never even occurred to me that you might be straight.
Thank you.
I feel just awful.
It seems I've just been leading you on all night.
Oh, it's OK.
Honest mistake.
But I've made you think you've found a man sensitive enough to help you Frasier, I'll learn to love again.
- Of course.
- You'll apologise to Daphne? For the rest of my days.
Does this mean your dad's not gay? No, Dad's not gay.
But Niles Come on! No, I'm afraid not.
So this Maris he kept mentioning is a woman? Well, the jury's still out on that one.