Home Improvement s02e03 Episode Script

It's 45 minutes to our dinner reservation, so aren't you going to take a shower? Honey.
I don't need to take a shower.
I have a natural, earthy, musky scent.
Quit that! No, really.
Stick your nose right there and tell me I don't smell like a man.
Yeah, Cro-Magnon man.
And I believe he was never fully erect either.
Ready, set, hut! - Oh, shoot! - Randy.
That's why your coach doesn't let you play.
Dad, I always fumble.
My hands are too small.
I got the answer.
Up until now you didn't have the proper equipment.
- "Wacky Quacky Glue.
" - Yeah, think of it as professional Stick-Em.
Dad, but it says on the bottle not to let it come into contact with your skin.
Oh, please.
They mean pretty, little, pink girl skin.
We've got man skin.
Calluses, warts, open wounds.
A little dab on each palm like that.
A little bit of turpentine to dilute it, don't want to make it too sticky.
And now - You won't be able to drop that ball.
- Wow, that's cool, Dad.
All right.
Let's go! - Do you want us to run a play? - Um I've got a better idea.
Why don't you guys try to pull my arms apart? Your hands are stuck together, aren't they? No.
This is a strength exercise.
You grab that arm, Randy, grab that arm, and try to pull 'em apart.
One, two, three, pull! Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Jill? It's me.
- Come on in, Karen.
- I'm in.
Gosh, I really appreciate you giving up a Friday night to stay with our kids.
No problem.
Your boys are at least as mature as the men I've been dating lately.
Tim! Come on! Karen's here, let's go.
Right, right, right, right.
We're almost done with the drill, honey.
Harder, harder.
- I see you're watching Tim's show.
- Yeah.
This is this new thing they're starting in their show called "Gadget Corner.
" - He wants me to take a look at it.
- Oh, goody.
Here we go.
Place the jar under here It grips the lid.
and one easy twist - That's cool! - Yeah.
- I like her hair.
- Yeah.
Pretty color.
- Whoa! Look at that! Did you see that? - What? He was checking her out.
Look at this.
Tim.
- I've gotta go and get cleaned up.
- No, no, no.
Come back, come back.
We're watching "Gadget Corner.
" - Do you guys like this segment? - Yeah.
By the way, Jill and I thought that the woman who demonstrated the lid opener was very attractive.
- Didn't you? - Attractive? - I hardly even noticed she was a woman.
- Hardly even noticed.
Oh.
- Let's go to the videotape.
- Let's do.
Watch closely, Tim.
- We'll be looking at - There! Looks like you're noticing something.
Wait a minute.
I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
Yeah, right into her waterbed.
She was leaving, just like you should be.
I had to acknowledge her.
Oh, well, OK.
Let's look at that acknowledgement again, shall we? Yeah.
"Do those legs go all the way up?" You know, this shot is not supposed to be on me, it's supposed to be on Al.
Oh, so you only gawk at women when Jill's not around.
Yes.
No.
I was looking at her, but you know what I was thinking the whole time? She's stunning and 25, but she is no Jill.
Oh, so I'm old and plain? You are far from plain.
And old.
Far from old.
You're so far from old you're practically young.
Any last requests, Taylor? What is the big deal? So I glanced at a woman.
- You're a married man, Tim.
- A happily married man, and don't you ever forget.
Let's face it, Jill.
Tim is just your typical American male, no self-control.
- Oh, please.
I have plenty of self-control.
- Ha! I say that you won't even make it through this meal tonight without checking out the babes.
He'll be lucky to make it past, "Taylor, table for two.
" OK, OK.
I'll prove it.
I guarantee tonight I won't be "checking out the babes.
" Mm-hmm.
We'll see who gets the last laugh tonight.
Excuse me, sir.
Your table is back here.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy your meal.
- We will, thanks.
Tim, you've made your point.
You can at least look at me.
Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight? Yeah, yeah, right.
Excuse me? Aren't you Boy, do I love your show? Tell me something, though.
That Al, does he really know more than you or is that just an act? It's just an act.
It's a good one.
Why don't you go and sit down at your table, fella? I think you're really gonna love Indian food.
They've got lamb curry, chicken tandoori.
And this this keema korma looks really good.
The food smells like somebody keema korma'd out in the alley.
That's just that glue you have on your hands.
- Didn't you get that stuff off? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
You know, I think that glue's a little strong for Randy's football practice.
Well, you know, Tim, I think it's great that you're working with Randy and everything, but don't you think that you're exerting a little too much macho pressure on him? He likes He likes football and I'm not sure that there's any way - You did it! - Did what? - You looked at that woman.
- I did not.
Yes, you did.
I mean, it's no big deal, but I think you should know that we've been here less than one minute and you have already checked a woman out.
I did not look at that woman.
If I did, which I didn't, I'm a people person.
- People walk by, I'm gonna notice.
- OK, people person.
What did the man look like that was with her? Man? Yeah.
- Men are people too.
- Wait a minute.
How do you know there was a man there? You were checking him out, weren't you? No.
They're sitting right over there.
- You just did it again.
- I did I was looking at the man.
- OK, what was he wearing? - Wearing? A red dress.
No.
She was wearing red.
He's wearing blue.
Hey, tool man! Tim! You're gonna rupture a vertebrae.
Face it, you cannot help yourself.
You are so pathetic.
Whoa, baby.
Bad news.
This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
Oh, why is that, Jill? Because an unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
Yeah, right.
I'm gonna fall into that one.
What, a 74-year-old steelworker? "Hey, Marge, they got no beer here.
" - Not exactly, Tim.
- Oh, yeah, she's the va-va-voom type? Well, as a matter of fact, she has great va-vas and a darn good voom.
All right with me because you're looking pretty good since you took a couple pounds off your voom.
Thank you so much for that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take my voom to the ladies' room.
I'll be right here looking at my menu and nothing else.
Oh, man.
Off to the right, three o'clock.
Unbelievable.
Hey, it is you.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor? I never miss your show.
Oh, you have me confused with that handsome guy in Tool Time Don't be modest.
Could I get your autograph? Yeah, quick.
Why don't you slide it right under here under my head here? OK.
- Could you make it out to Kiki? - Kiki.
K- i Oh.
OK, Kikster, here you go.
- Could you put my last name too? - You know, my wife is due back Kiki Van Fursterwallenscheinlaw.
What? - F-u-r-s-t-e-r-w-a-I-I - Uh-huh.
- I'm getting a hand cramp.
Hold on.
e- n-s-c-h-e-i-n-I-a-w.
L- a-w.
- Good thing it didn't run out of ink.
- Now, can you grunt for me? Well, you know, my wife is coming back Hello, honey.
Excuse me.
What are you doing? Are you choking? Upstairs, you guys.
Your parents are home.
Quick, quick, quick.
- We're back.
- Hi! - Hi, how were the boys? - Terrific.
Been in bed for hours.
Yeah.
- How was dinner? - It was great.
Good food, nice atmosphere, excellent service, Tim almost choked to death.
All in all, a splendid evening.
I got a little piece of bread caught in my throat.
Yeah.
He went into shock after staring at Bambi, the land nymph.
- It was Kiki, the land nymph.
- Oh.
Tim, I am stunned.
You mean you couldn't control that animal drive? It had nothing to do with animal drive.
The young lady wanted an autograph.
- But you looked.
- All right, I looked.
But it didn't mean anything.
It was like looking at a beautiful car.
Oh, so you're saying women are cars? No, what I'm saying is I appreciate beauty in all of its forms.
Like a sailboat cruising across an open sea with a full sail.
Yeah, well.
Kiki certainly had a full set of sails.
According to Tim's theory, that would make you and I What? Tugboats? You'd be a dinghy.
Thank you so much.
Look, all I'm saying, Tim, is if I were married to you and you looked at other women, I think it would hurt my feelings.
- Karen.
- What? I'm not married to you.
- And the real shocker? - Hm? I like hurting your feelings.
- Bye-bye, Jill.
- Goodbye, Karen.
- Thanks for watching the boys, Karen.
- You're welcome.
I love you guys.
- Goodnight, thanks a lot.
- Bye-bye.
- Tim? - Yeah.
Are you happy in this relationship? Yeah.
I mean, is there anything that you would change? No.
- So, you're completely satisfied? - Yeah, I'm completely satisfied.
It's my hair, isn't it? What? - You don't like the way I changed my hair.
- I told you, I love your hair.
No.
I had to ask you first.
Well, I love your hair.
I love the way it smells.
No bald spot.
- Would you go get those mugs for me? - Honey.
- So you're happy with our relationship.
- I'm happy with our relationship.
- You're completely satisfied.
- I'm completely satisfied.
- You love my hair.
- I absolutely love your hair.
Then why were you looking at other women tonight? Why was I looking at other women tonight? - Are you stalling? - Am I stalling? - Why do you look? - There's a couple reasons.
You have your primary reason and then your secondary reason.
- Primary reason first, followed by - Tim.
Why? Could you repeat that question? - Hey, Randy, what's going on? - Nothing.
How did your practice go today? - I fumbled three times.
- Hey, hey, hey, buddy.
You had a bad day.
We all got bad days.
Yeah, there's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Oh, no.
You know, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of that pyramid.
You don't want to be on the bottom of that thing.
Dad.
All you've gotta do is work on your ball handling and your moves.
Yeah, well, I've worked on them every day.
- Maybe I'm just too small to be any good.
- No, you're not.
What you need is a training machine.
Let me guess.
You're gonna build it, right? Man, sometimes you can just read my mind.
It'll be great.
Ropes, tackling dummies, small explosions.
If you can survive it you can be one of the best players in Michigan.
OK, when do we start? We can do it right now.
Go get changed.
I'll get some tools out of the garage and start building it.
I'll be right there.
Wilson? Aloha, good neighbor.
What's with that cheesy music? I want to take a vacation so I'm mentally projecting myself to a place I'd like to be.
- Hawaii? - No, no, no, no, no.
Tahiti.
Hawaii's too crowded.
- Do you mind if I interrupt your vacation? - Crack my coconut, Tim.
The other night, Jill took me to this restaurant.
And I was glancing at these other women.
Don't get me wrong, I love Jill.
I'm crazy about her.
- She is a magnificent mate, Tim.
- Yeah, I know.
I really try to respect women.
I don't consciously gawk at them.
I do look.
Is it a reflex or something? Well, Tim, it goes back a million years.
In order for the species to survive, Stone Age man had to seek out many different women.
Kind of a ménage a Flintstone.
You see, Tim, there's something buried deep in your collective unconscious.
- Yeah, my collective unconscious, yeah.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
You still possess ancient man's primary fantasy to seek out many different women.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Jill doesn't understand that.
- Mm-hmm.
Probably because a woman's primary fantasy continues to be a meaningful relationship with just one man.
Yeah, but I look at women because collectively I'm unconscious.
In a manner of speaking, Tim.
So, it's in my nature to look at women, that means it's OK.
It's OK if you're on the Serengeti chasing a wildebeest with a club.
But I was in a restaurant in West Bloomfield with my wife.
Well, then I'd call it downright rude.
Al, have I ever told you what a great job you do on the show? No, Tim, you haven't.
Huh.
Well, anyway, we finished cutting the holes in the top of the Formica, and Al's gonna install the tubing and the faucet.
Our faucet is Hm.
Al, do you suppose if an ancient Egyptian king owned this, it'd be called a Pharaoh faucet? Only by you, Tim.
Of course, he'd be married to Ryan O'Nile.
Yeah, right.
OK.
Al's measured our pipe to the correct length, and I'll be cutting it with my old, tubular, trusty Binford hacksaw.
Gosh, I've had this thing a long time.
You get to take stuff for granted after a while, you know? You don't respect it like you should.
You know what I'm getting at? Not even close, Tim.
Well, I'm saying that you could go out and buy go see the new ones.
They're all shiny chrome and polyurethane handles and everything, but you kinda forget that old faithful one you've got back home.
- A little clearer now? - Less than ever, Tim.
I'm talking about that old faithful saw that you wouldn't give up for anything in the world because it's a lifelong companion.
where every nick and cut in that blade is a memory of some things you've created together It just fits What is it.
Al? Fumes? No I get I get your point now.
Tim - You respect me - Huh? You really respect me We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools It's OK.
Al Let go of me.
Al Let go of me Well.
Ahem.
That was an interesting show.
I particularly liked the part about the saw.
So you got the meaning of it? Yeah.
I know you were upset at the restaurant the other night.
Well You know, it just bothered me that you couldn't go more than one minute without looking at another woman.
I think it had a lot to do with you and Karen talking about that all night, you know? Oh, so if Karen and I hadn't been talking about it you would have been able to go, like, what? Two minutes? - Easy.
- Hm.
I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes when you look it makes me feel less appealing, you know, like I lost a little something.
Oh, you haven't lost anything.
You've gained.
No, no, no.
You're best.
You're the best.
I think you're beautiful.
You know that.
The problem is I have unconscious cave-man fantasies.
What? I was talking to Wilson and men have cave-man fantasies about being with thousands of women at one time.
Oh, really? You don't have that problem because you have your fantasy.
- And what would that be? - Me.
- You? - Yes.
So, my fantasy is to be with a man approaching middle age with a paunch and a low-rated cable show? Right.
Now, that's not what I'd look for, but I'm not you.
The truth is that what I did was just downright rude.
- It would be like burping in public.
- And you do that all the time.
But not with other women.
I save my best burps for you.
Oh, thank you so much.
Well, honey.
What do you think? - Silly me.
I wanted a pool.
- Oh.
- Hey, Dad, can I turn this on? - Don't turn it on.
- Jill, get out of the way.
- All right.
- Give me the ball.
- Mark, come here.
All right, Randy, pay close attention to this drill.
This will give you proof positive that skill and speed are more important than size.
We're talking agility.
Ball.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! - I'm impressed! - Way to go, Dad! Now the fun begins.
- Brad, top three switches, flip 'em.
- Like this? - Cool! - Yeah! Whoa! - Slow them down a little bit.
- I can't.
It's It's stuck! - Use your hands.
- Knock his head off.
Come on, Dad! Is this the switch for the other dummy? Aloha, Tim! - a little fast, isn't it? - Hold this one down, Brad.
- I can't, it's stuck.
- Well, you can do it.
Come on, Tim.
Knock his head off! Knock his head off! - Come on! - Go! Oh, come on! What's this switch? Whoa.