King of the Hill s02e03 Episode Script

Gentlemen, the John Deere 518R walk-behind tiller.
Look at it, son.
Five-horsepower Briggs and Stratton engine sixteen heat resistant tines, 13-inch super-lug tires and, if I'm not mistaken, this model comes with a hat.
Can I have it? Bobby should see this, too.
Hey, Bobby! Now, Bobby, there is a lot you can learn from PBS.
Thanks to the support of viewers like me.
Bobby, come meet our new rototiller! Later, Hank! This is educational TV time! What we're about to see is British comedy.
You may not understand all of it at first because it's more sophisticated than what we're used to.
- That man is wearing a dress.
- Exactly.
Well, I can't wait any longer.
Bobby is just going to have to watch the tape.
Look at that.
What the Oh, posh! I have a run in my stocking.
Yes, friends.
"Made in America" cannot just be a marketing gimmick like "dolphin-safe.
" It's gotta stand for something.
What's wrong, Dad? This dang rock busted up my rototiller.
A rock? That is no rock.
This is an arrowhead, an Indian arrowhead.
I led a field trip once to the Museum of Texas Cultures.
A little girl swallowed one just like this by mistake.
She thought it was a rock, too.
We learned in school, you don't call them "Indians" anymore.
You call them "Native Americans.
" It's like saying "same-sex partner" instead of Bobby! Cool, Dad.
What is that? Some old Indian thing.
What's it for? I don't know much about Indians, but I do know tools.
If I had to guess, I'd say you jam one of these in the back of a white man's skull twist the handle like so, and then your blood runs out through the hole here.
Yep.
That's what it's for.
I thought the tribes that used to live around here were peaceful.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
I'd hate to use a tool improperly.
Hi, Nancy.
Sorry, sug'.
Dale's at work.
Uh, yeah, uh I'm not looking for Dale.
I'm looking for John Redcorn.
John Redcorn, it's for you.
Nancy has a therapeutic massage today for her migraines.
I found this Indian Native Indian thing in my yard and I was wondering if you knew what it was.
It's a tool used for straightening the shaft of an arrow.
In a pinch, though, you could jam it into someone's brain stem, right? Yes.
But that's true of almost any tool.
Well, sure, I guess.
A treasure such as this is priceless to my people.
Really? What do you suppose it's worth to my people? A museum or university might give you $50.
$50, huh? That'd get me a new rototiller blade.
Hank, think about what you are doing.
It is wrong to take what belongs to another person and John Redcorn.
Well, food for thought.
- Hey, sign a petition to legalize hemp? - What's hemp? "It's a cheap and durable source of fibers "that can be used for making clothing, rope, and paper.
" Typical government over-regulation.
Why wouldn't they legalize this stuff? Well, because, you know, it's basically marijuana.
The volcano erupted so suddenly the village and everyone in it were instantly encased in lava creating a snapshot, if you will, of daily life at that exact moment.
When we archaeologists go and develop that snapshot believe me, no one is smiling.
See you tomorrow.
That's right, they're breasts! Big deal! Excuse me, Professor, I'm Hank Hill.
I left a message on your voice mail.
I don't know if you got it.
It said to press pound The artifact guy, yeah.
You don't have to hit pound.
What've you got for me? Well, I got this arrowhead.
This here is a shaft-straightener.
So, what do you think they're worth? The arrowhead, that's worth nothing.
That's garbage.
Want me to throw it away for you? It's on me.
How about the other one? A cattle tribesman might have traded this for a new loincloth.
What's a crotch-sized piece of leather go for these days? - I certainly do not know.
- Can't be more than $10, right? Hold on a minute.
An Indian friend of mine said it was sacred.
Let me explain something to you, Mr.
Hill.
To the Native Americans, everything is sacred.
The sun, the dirt.
You want to pay me for the air you've been breathing since you came in? I don't want to argue this.
I'll just take the $10.
Count it.
It's all there.
You had no right to sell those artifacts.
This home belongs to the both of us.
What are you so upset about? I got $10 for some junk that Bobby would've ended up swallowing.
Those objects were cultural.
They could have expanded Bobby's mind.
I, for one, want my son's brain to swell up as big as it'll go.
What are you doing? You're eating fried chicken for breakfast? No.
We're making bones for Bobby's social studies project.
It's a Native American necklace, like the Tonkawa wore.
I was gonna bring in the arrowhead, get an A, and maybe even go to college.
But Mom says you sold out my future for $10.
I hope you're happy.
That's still Mom talking.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we are not in the market for a new religion.
Who me? I'm an archaeologist.
Professor John Lerner, Ph.
D.
Peggy Hill.
I'm a teacher, too.
Substitute Spanish.
Your husband came to see me the other day, with a Caddo arrowhead.
I am the one who first determined it was not a rock.
You are a friend to archaeology.
Archaeology can use all the friends it can get, with all the red tape we put up with.
Look at this.
Those pieces your husband found weren't worth much, but who knows? Tomorrow, if we poke around here a little, I might find something of cultural value.
- Please, be my guest.
- No, that's what I'm saying.
They want paperwork, the homeowner's signature.
- Technically, I shouldn't even be here.
- Don't be silly.
Give me that.
I thank you.
Archaeology thanks you.
Most of all, I want you to thank yourself.
I couldn't.
For advancing the cause of knowledge? Come on, I want to hear it.
- Thank you, Peggy Hill.
- You are welcome.
The secret is pretending they're special.
I could have gotten the title to her house if I'd complimented her stupid glasses.
What was that about? Nothing.
The Professor, my friend, just wanted to know if he could poke around the lawn for some artifacts.
I, of course, said yes.
How could you do that, Peggy, without even asking me? You sold that arrowhead without asking me.
Fine, we're even.
But I think you owe my lawn an apology.
We're waiting.
Uh, Peggy? You can't just think it.
You've got to say it out loud.
Hank, I thought you told Dale not to mow at this hour.
What? That's not Dale's mower.
That's not a mower at all.
No! "After the referred to aforementioned antiquities pursuant "to the Public Domain Title 9 of the State Resource Code" I tell you what, man, it's airtight.
Boomhauer, I didn't understand a word you just said.
Damned legalese.
I never thought I'd see the day when my own government would go around stealing people's land.
Think about it, Hank.
Isn't that what happened to the peoples who lived here before us? What are they doing? That's my privacy hedge.
Hi, Uncle Hank.
I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your razor.
All right, that's it.
Everybody off my property.
I said, off! Don't make me call the cops! Go right ahead.
And while you're at it tell them you're trespassing on a protected archaeological site.
What I'm about to say goes against everything I believe.
But you played dirty, and you leave me with no choice.
You are sued, mister.
You're all witnesses.
You're all being sued, too.
You're the witness to that.
Here.
I want all your names.
I don't want any "Seymour Butt"s or "I.
P.
Freely"s.
My wife's a substitute teacher.
I know all the tricks.
- What do you think it is? - I'm not sure yet.
I think it's a clay pot.
More likely a ceramic bowl.
- You may be right.
- Would you excuse me? You won't believe what that idiot professor did.
He got dirt all over my compost heap.
Hank, please.
Professor Lerner is no idiot.
In fact, he's a genius.
That's as far from "idiot" as you can get, before reaching madness.
We should invite the professor to dinner.
Bobby could learn a lot from him.
Don't turn dinner into school, Peggy.
Dinner's one of the few things Bobby's good at.
He is good with the fork and knife.
I grant you that.
But it's time for him to move to the next level.
Learning the art of conversation, and drinking without a straw.
I'll never forget when the King Tut exhibit came to my hometown.
I'm standing in that museum amongst these priceless artifacts thinking: "I can do better.
" Three years later, I had my first Ph.
D.
From the University of Chicago.
That's one of the finest schools in the country.
School? They don't even have a football team.
So you like football, Bobby? Did you know that the Caddo Indians played a game like football? They called it Chunkee.
Only they used sticks, darts, and rolling disks of stone.
Tell me more, Professor.
Right, Mom? All right, if the Caddo could play Chunkee with a stone disk why couldn't they invent the wheel? You cannot just blow my mind and leave.
Sorry.
Big day tomorrow.
- We're digging up your rose bushes.
- How exciting.
Maybe you and Bobby'd like to assist me.
I don't believe it.
Our first dig.
I remember my first dig.
The Finis Frost site.
That's where I discovered my first Wahashaw bracelet.
This is a replica.
The real one is very fragile and it doesn't go with this sweater.
It's just beautiful.
A man wearing jewelry.
That's funny.
- Like on PBS.
- Bobby! A Wahashaw bracelet is not jewelry.
It's a badge of honor.
A young brave would give one of these to a girl he liked as a symbol of their bond.
Wahashaw means "connection.
" But it can also mean much more.
Kind of like "aloha.
" It means "hello" and "goodbye.
" - Actually, it's more like - Well, aloha.
Goodbye.
Before we discuss this ancient Indian burial ground I'd like to say two things.
First, thank you to Mrs.
Peggy Hill for organizing this field trip.
Secondly, if a bony hand reaches out from the soil and tries to drag you into its grave, remain calm.
Seriously, remain calm.
Who can tell me what Indian tribes are native to Arlen? Mrs.
Hill! Enlighten us, please.
If I'm not mistaken, and I could be the Caddo were the earliest settlers of this region.
That's exactly right.
A high-pressure system coming in.
Moving lower to Where have you been? You missed Action Sports, and half of Action Weather.
Bobby and I have been in the yard all day, digging things up.
By the way, he knows his cat didn't run away now.
- What did I miss? - Another new soccer league.
Thirty percent chance of rain.
Rain? I had better warn the professor.
He left the top down on his Saab.
I guess I'll just go to bed.
What in God's name Stadium lights, like the Cowboys use.
Now the professor can dig all night if he wants to.
The Cowboys would treasure my lawn, not turn it into some kind of a freak show.
It hasn't been all bad, Hank.
We may have lost a lawn, but Bobby gained a role model.
I'm his role model, not that bracelet-wearing egghead.
I really don't see what you have against the Professor.
We all would benefit from spending more time with him.
Now, if you will excuse me, I really should go warn him.
His Saab has leather seats.
All right, now you take the brush.
Just ever so gently, gingerly, sweep it away.
You're very good at this.
I know what you're thinking, Hank, and it's not true.
Every once in a while a guy suspects his wife has a thing for another man.
That's not what I'm thinking at all.
I'm thinking about cheese logs.
My Nancy's going to Corpus Christi this weekend for some migraine workshop.
I'm suspicious as hell.
See ya, sug'.
Feel better.
Bring me back a shot glass.
Good thing John Redcorn's going with her.
He can keep an eye on things.
- What are you making? - I'm making a problem go away.
- What you got, possums? - No.
- This jerk archaeologist who - You know what works for me? You slip a capful of arsenic into a side of bacon.
That would be murder, Bill.
What do you think would happen if this know-it-all found a fake artifact, and thought it was real? What would Peggy think of him then? I mainly just know about possums.
- Find anything? - Not yet.
You've been at it all morning.
Think you'd have turned up something by now.
Archaeology is a game of patience.
That sounds a lot like fishing.
Sometimes when you're not having any luck in one spot you move to a new spot, like over there.
That's where I'd fish, right over there.
Professor, come quick! I found something! Peggy, no! Leave that alone.
You don't know what you're doing.
Is that what you think? I'm not quite sure Professor Lerner would agree with you.
You'd be surprised what I've learned from him this week.
What do you suppose it is, Professor? Oh, no.
Tell us what you think it is, Peggy.
Okay.
Well This is most likely a Tonkawa warrior necklace made from the finger bones of his enemy.
Really? Finger bones.
Fascinating.
How did you come to that conclusion? They're bones, and they're the size of fingers.
So I just put two and two together, and I added a thumb.
I just got a crazy idea.
Let's find out what it really is.
Scott? - Looks like a bunch of chicken bones.
- Correct! Barbara? Scratched up with a belt sander.
Of course.
Andrea? - And strung together with kite string.
- Bingo! They make it look so easy, don't they? You know their secret? - They are archaeologists.
- What? I don't understand.
I get it.
Archaeologists.
I am such an idiot.
Don't you believe it, Peggy! They're not so smart.
I didn't use kite string.
I used baling twine.
Ha! You? But why? It's not enough that you think I'm stupid? - You have to make me look stupid, too? - What? I wasn't trying to You're the only one around here I actually respect.
I was trying to make him look stupid.
Don't tell me you were jealous.
No! I was just mad because you were spending all your time with that guy and I wanted you to spend it with me.
Jealousy had nothing to do with it.
Oh, Hank I have something in my eye, but I am also crying.
- What are you laughing at? - It's funny, isn't it? I could have scored with your wife for the price of a fake bracelet.
What? Okay.
You pushed me in.
Whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself.
Mr.
Hill, violence doesn't solve anything, so why don't we just discuss this like Know what's ironic about this? You're the one who looks stupid now.
So you're stronger than I am.
You've proven that.
Fine.
I'm starting to enjoy this, really! I want you to push me in the hole! I'm starting to enjoy this, really! I want you to push me in the hole! - Please, push me in the hole! - Okay.
You'll get tired of this long before I do.
You'll get tired of this long before I do.