Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s02e03 Episode Script

Charming view.
Sort ofboring.
Nearly sickly enough for a postcard.
If I were a painter, I'd paint that.
Oh, yes? What colour, eh? Great daubs of "Up Leeds United"? How about "Welshmen, go home"? No, you can't send them home.
They only get mistreated if they can't speak Welsh.
What this view lacks is a few factory chimneys.
Then perhaps there'd be some work for our kind.
Nature lover(!) You try speaking for yourself.
Some of us are idle enough to still appreciate things like this.
Any road, if that were all built up, where could I exercise my ferrets? You'd think a sensible nation could ferret out a few jobs for those that want to work.
And especially a few for those who don't.
I think Cyril's depressed.
It's easily done.
Some of us look at a view like this and all we can see is how bonnie it is.
But if you're really in tune with nature, if you concentrate and listen, then soon, faintly on the breeze, you begin to sense the million munching teeth of tiny things scoffing even tinier things.
Depression could be a sort of major art form.
There's so much raw material going for it.
I take it for granted that there's very little in the employment line that is suitable for my status and experience.
I think I fancy Godwin's Lass.
Nowadays there's not even much that's unsuitable.
Who's this female he fancies, Godwin's lass? She's an 'orse! They always are, your kind.
Why can't you ever pick something with a nice face? I'm sick and fed up of applying by letter.
You get nowhere by post.
Nearly as bad as the bus service.
She's running in the 2:30 with Lester Piggott on her back.
There you are, that's what I mean.
It sounds exactly like all your other women - strong, but a bit peculiar.
Next job I apply for, I'm going round in person and I shall look them straight in the face.
No, that's no good these days.
You've got to learn how to creep.
All right then, I'll look them straight in the Oh, no, I won't! I ought to be able to get a job on my merits without resorting to lick-spitting.
What do you want a job for? There you are, you see? He genuinely does not know.
You've got your pension, that money in the bank, then you've got that insurance All right, all right! I didn't call for a detailed audit.
Good God! For somebody who's supposed to be thick, he's a powerful grasp of my private affairs.
Who said I was thick? Nearly everybody.
Oh.
I used to go about with Audrey Monks.
She didn't look like a horse.
More of a pony, but then you were only 11.
Audrey Monks? Blonde hair, blue eyes.
Had about eight stitches on her chin.
I remember, a bit of a tomboy.
Ah, she were brilliant with a catapult.
Didn't she once bite the senior mistress? Ah! She had lovely teeth! 11.
She had more than 11! when I was so rudely interrupted.
So I should think.
She only lost about eight.
Seems just incredible that we were ever 11 years of age.
And she lost four of them when she fell off that thing at the safety exhibition.
When she used to smile after that, bless her, it was like looking through a turnstile.
Ah, makes me sad sometimes when I think back.
You know, when I was 11 years of age, I wanted to be a fighter pilot.
Of course they were all double-wingers then.
Now they're all one.
There's progress for you.
It's just another word for saving materials.
Hey, what did you want to be at 11? Heavy smoker.
Good morning, young lady.
I would like to see your personnel manager.
Have you got an appointment? No, not exactly.
Well, you can't then.
So much for looking them straight in the eye.
Excuse me, miss, but why don't you stop practising all that charm and just nip through and ask him if he'll see this gentleman for just two minutes? You don't know what you're missing.
He actually likes work.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
It's the same response everywhere.
Brings a twitch to you war wounds.
It does matter.
If it's a vacancy you're after, you'll have to fill in the standard application forms Two minutes.
.
.
and leave them with us, together with the telephone numbers of two referees.
After which, you will be contactedif necessary.
Two minutes, during which he can, if he likes, continue venerating a photograph of the managing director.
He's got his pension, he won't want much wages.
He's crackers.
He'll make an ideal worker.
I do not know these people.
I was merely foolish enough to drop something in their caps on the street.
Well, I suggest you all clear off and try the labour exchange.
If you don't mind my saying so, miss, I think you're a bit wasted here.
You ought to be out tending the dying with a whip.
As a final inducement for you, let me introduce my friend.
He used to be the Huddersfield Strangler, but now he's out on probation.
Grr! Agh! How embarrassing can you get, eh? You've set me off to a right first impression.
What's she going to tell him? "There's a bloke out there with the Huddersfield Strangler who's looking for a job.
" I have never felt so humiliated in my life.
Come on.
Yes, you have.
What about that time when we left you holding Mrs Jack Holbury? Don't remind me.
She shouldn't have been up there in the first place, a woman of her impressive physique.
It's all very well stopping them falling, but I never know where to put my hands.
In your pocket.
Pay for the teas.
Her centre of gravity was all wrong.
Ah, but it were cuddly, though, weren't it? And I seem to remember a time when you were exposed without your trousers in the men's department of JW Mulcaster & Sons.
Only because he did something unmentionable in the fitting room.
Well, he'd been in there half an hour.
How long does it take to buy a pair of trousers? How long does it take? How long? Here, look at these, look at them.
It'd take me a long time before I bought a pair like that.
I'll admit they're going a bit here and there.
Here and there? If I look through here, I can see everything that's there.
I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't the exact same movement whereby Salome used to inflame King Herod.
He'd be inflamed all right if he clapped eyes on that trotting round the palace.
It's bingo now.
What is bingo now? The Palace.
They closed it right down after The Vicar And The Virgin.
Not that Palace! It were Double X the last week I were there.
You were there all week?! No, you daft pillock, just the last performance.
The other film was Swedish.
It would be, wouldn't it? I can't remember what it were called.
But it were about this lumberjack who had a big chopper.
And he were going to chop this bird's tree down so she tied herself to it with nowt on.
So he went and had a go at this big horse chestnut.
Well, you would.
It happens all the time in the Forestry Commission.
She said something to him in Swedish.
He nearly missed his stroke, nearly took off his foot.
I don't know what it was she said.
It had sub-tittles.
It had what? Sub-tittles! And they were right down the bottom of the screen.
I hadn't paid my money to come in and watch them, not when there was this daft bird jack naked, tied there to this clouting great tree.
Cor! Sub-tittles! And they were right down at the bottom of the screen.
Ah! This must be it, over t'shop.
Is that what it says in your paper? No, all it says in the paper is, "Are you dynamic, ambitious, a real goer? "Want to earn 4,000 a year? "No experience necessary.
"Apply, 14, Condron Street, Mr Green.
" It doesn't look as though they've got 4,000 quid.
All right, don't knock it just because it's not got a lot of flash executive top show.
No, that's true.
They don't go in for a lot of flash executive top show.
What do I want it for? Work it out.
You're dynamic, ambitious, a real goer.
Oh, I shouldn't bother to wipe your hands for this mob.
That's tidy enough.
Wait for me, I'll meet you No, we're coming in with you.
Listen, this could be my last chance for a shot at the top executive suite.
Don't be a little pig.
They're looking for more than one real goer.
You're not the only one who wants to earn 4,000 quid a year.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Well, I tell you, Harry, I don't care.
Listen, a deal's a deal.
I asked for 100,000, I want 100,000, not 750.
I want to flood the market, not piddle about with it a squirt at a time.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Don't give me that, Harry, we've all got production problems.
Do you think I don't know, that my people don't need a boot up the tail occasionally? Why do you think I closed the Enfield factory? A load of bums.
Listen, you'll have to deal with it, Harry.
I've got some people here.
Yes, but get your priorities right, boyo.
Just remember who your biggest customers are.
You look after me and ICI and let the small stuff take its chances.
Dog eat dog, that's how it is at the top.
Think about it and march straight out of that door, boys, if you can't handle it.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to turn my back on you now and I'm going to count up to ten, and if you're still there when I turn round again, it means that you're telling me that you are aggressive, action-packed go-getters full of zap, powee and kaboom.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Welcome aboard, boys.
You've made the right decision.
Welcome aboard the good ship Prosperity under the flag of Shinyglow.
That's the magic word, boys - Shinyglow.
It'll transport you like a magic carpet into a world of limousines, tax avoidance and yachts.
You are about to achieve your goals in life.
We've all got goals in life, get-up-and-goers like us.
Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Tell old Greeny, you sales adviser, leader and friend - what are we seeking to snatch from life? Well, I was hoping to find some sort of contributory pension scheme.
I thought I'd better ask for a bit more zap, powee and kaboom - especially kaboom.
Well, you see, I've got this back, so I hope that work's not too heavy, like, you know? Well, you show promise.
My instinct's telling me to give you a chance.
Now, sit down, boys.
We don't stand on ceremony here at Shinyglow.
That's it, boys, show your initiative.
You'll have to excuse my temporary premises, but I've got the architects in at my prestige office block, and I find it best to keep out of the way with all those architects - they're like a load of delicate Maureens whispering about the place! Our Barry's youngest went for a draughtsman.
Oh, yes? Aye.
He can draw you a plan of a garage if you ever want one.
I'll remember that.
Or a conservatory.
It don't have to be a garage.
Versatile, is he? Well, so are we at Shinyglow.
There's no such thing as sales resistance, only bad salesmanship.
That's our motto, the Shinyglow motto.
Or a shed.
You know, I think he can draw a shed.
Will you keep quiet?! I wish you wouldn't keep rabbiting on about your Barry's youngest.
We know he made the grade educationally, but look at the advantages he had.
All those small private classes at borstal.
Sorry about that, Mr Green.
Oh, that's all right.
It's never been part of the Oswald Green method to stifle discussion.
Unless, of course, they're customers, in which case prudence dictates that they ought never to get a word in edgeways! Now, remember that.
Your first free gem of sales wisdom from the lips of Oswald Green.
Don't write it down, keep it in here.
You stick with me, and I'll send you out on the streets as sharp as razors.
You'll be able to slice through all resistance.
You'll have Shinyglow get up and go.
What will you have? Come on, come on, tell me, tell me.
Shine and get up.
.
.
and go.
And kaboom.
That's it, that's what you'll have.
This is your promise from Oswald P.
Green.
Well, this is it, boys The product.
Here, handle it, go on.
Feel it.
How does that grab you? Right weight, right place, a revolutionary new aerosol cleaner guaranteed to put the sparkle back in anything, even your mother's smile.
Use that if you like, lads.
Another free gem from Oswald Green.
It's rusty.
I told you it was revolutionary.
Now let me tell you what makes a thing sell.
Image, clear product identity.
You stick that little beauty on the shelf, and forget the competition.
The housewife can spot Shinyglow anywhere.
She knows that we at Shinyglow haven't wasted her money tarting up the package, but we've put value where it counts, inside the can! Back you go.
Back you go.
Go on, go on.
Not on the pavement, not on the pavement! Why doesn't he take it into the house? Now cast off.
To the left, to the left, you fool! Come on! ENGINE STOPS This van, let me tell you, is slap bang in line with the Shinyglow image.
And so is your driving.
It's exciting watching you stirring about, looking for a gear and wondering which one you're going to find.
He's had my leg in neutral twice.
Come on, let's have a fag before we start.
Well, get 'em out, then.
Oh, I will, I will, as soon as I've sold my first gross of these squirters.
Here He's a great talker, is Green.
We must be crackers.
It's work, isn't it? We've got to establish ourselves any way we can.
Yeah, I don't go much on that "no pay, just commission".
Ta.
That's quite usual in the selling field.
It means that we're more or less self-employed.
Yeah, if we don't sell any we'll be unemployed.
'Ey up, where's all the Shinyglow get up and go? It got up and went.
Now, come along.
We've got to start taking this seriously.
If we make a success of this we could be launched on a second career, or in some cases a first career.
Come on, shape yourselves.
We've got to get the hang of these.
And remember, all the value is in the can.
Aye, it looks as though it's going to stay in there an' all.
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER There, then, I've got the knack of it.
You just have to wobble the plunger a bit.
There you are, you see? One has to think positively.
This stuff polishes anything.
It must be very inferior paint.
Accidental chemical reaction! One in a million.
There we are.
For goodness' sake, now what's the matter? Nothing, nothing, it's just nerves.
You know how it is.
When you're on the verge of an important new step, the world seems changed.
Everything suddenly looks different! Well, pull yourselves together.
Now, you conquer that side of the street and I'll conquer this.
Good morning, madam.
I'd like to introduce you to Shinyglow, which Good morning, Madam! I'd like to introduce you Good morning, madam Aaargh! What are you doing, then, eh? Gossipy lot.
We were just explaining to Sid that we're back among the great employed.
Very temporarily, unless we start selling something.
I can't understand it.
A van full of blasted aerosols, me full of personality, we haven't sold one.
Not one.
It's him.
I know what it is.
It's him.
They see him in the street, dressed like that.
Like what? Dressed as if for an accident under a tram.
They look straight past me and see him.
Mobile disaster area.
No wonder they keep slamming doors.
You've not put that stuff away, I see! But I am not going to lose my temper.
We are doing no good going through life yelling at one another.
Don't you feel very well? I never felt better.
I've been talking to Mrs Brocklesby about eternal peace.
Are you going to give me some? You can scoff if you like but she's found great consolation since her Harold went.
Aye, his insurance.
She practises meditation and deep breathing.
And she isn't afraid of dying.
And she's going to take me to a lady in Retford Street who's in touch with an angel called Kathleen.
Can you call in at Abercrombie's on the way back? We're running short of crisps.
You can try, but you will not provoke me into raising my voice.
It is possible, you know, with a little imagination, to appreciate the superior virtue of calm and the spirit of peace.
My yelling days are Aaaaahh! Are just about to begin, you useless hooligan! If you've no more brains than to go piddling about painting the faces of your perishing friends! I can't even get in to resign.
Maybe just as well.
He'd charge for it.
Well, lock the van and put the key through the letterbox.
He'll get the message.
I bet his salesmen are always doing it.
We could squirt the door with Shinyglow and burn it down.
I've spoken my last of the Shinyglow, thank you.
All right, one more then, only.
I've had an exhausting day and I'm going to have an early night.
I shall lay down, pat cream on me face, have 10 hours' sleep and pray that when I wake in the morning, my face hasn't melted away.
Well, have you had enough, has it cured thee? Cured me? Of the restless urge for employment? No, it has not.
Oh, well.
It has merely whet the appetite.
Aye, you nearly wet your britches an' all when you saw your face, didn't ya? I admit that incident was unusual but it's not typical.
Even today, there were moments when I felt the blood beginning to surge.
Ay, I know, it's his driving, it made my guts go wobbly an' all.
I don't believe I've ever seen you nosh.
It's my fundamental belief that you've got unshakeable innards.
Aye, and wicked eyes.
You know, I could get the feeling for salesmanship.
Lots of them do, but you're better off with the money.
If I had the product, I could sell.
What for? We're all right as we are.
What, redundant? Well, we have a giggle.
We get about a bit.
Killing time, eh? You don't have to kill it all the time, you can use it as well.
What for? Looking for the key, if you like.
What key? To why the Almighty won't have any truck with comprehensives but still insists on streaming, that sort of key.
To the universe.
Why, did somebody lose it? You read the papers.
It makes you think so.
Are we going to have a trot up the hill tomorrow if it's a nice day? We are not.
I am trotting without reason round no more hills.
I'm going to find meself a job in the selling profession.
Oh, God, here we go again.
You lot give up too easily.
Farewell, unemployment and former friends.
Proud blood, the Blamires.
Ah, his mum were crackers and all.
Hey.
here it is, then.
Vacancy.
Wanted, live salesman for painting trade.
They also have dead ones? Top class opportunity for keen, ambitious man.
Apply personally.
Room 14, Red Lion Hotel.
I've got experience now, you know.
I can honestly tell them that I used to work for Shinyglow.
Yeah, but I wouldn't say it as loud as that.
More like, "I used to work for QUIETLY: Shinyglow.
" And you can tell them you'll do anything for a sale, even paint your face.
The sky is the limit, boyo.
You get all the resources of Stripo behind you, and that's a multi-million international deal, on top of which, look what you get for a product.
This little beauty.
The finest paint remover in an aerosol can.
It's going to revolutionise the paint trade.
Just get the last few bugs out of this.
You'll get used to unemployment, I promise thee.
I did.
Ah, but then you had a flair for it.
That's true.
It must be a gift.
Oh, shut up and go to sleep, you two.
You're like a pair of matching motor horns.
You wanted to waste time, all right, we'll waste time.
I found you a quiet spot.
Enjoy it.
Cyril, could I ask you something? What is it now? Could you tell me why we're lying on this ant's nest?