Queer as Folk s02e03 Episode Script
Hypocrisy: Don't Do It
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
TO JUDGE BRUCE.
AND DR.
BOBBY.
All: CONGRATULATIONS! FIDELITY.
All: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
Man: WHERE'S JAMIE? HE SAID HE'S STUCK IN SURGERY.
I'M SURE HE'S OPERATING WITH SOME BOY.
OR AT CLUB SODOM.
All: [ Gasps of disgust .]
THAT AWFUL PLACE? WHERE THEY DANCE AND TAKE DRUGS.
AND HAVE SEX.
SO I'VE HEARD.
IT'S A SHAME JAMIE'S ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BECOME A STEREOTYPE, [ Murmurs of agreement .]
INSTEAD OF A ROLE MODEL FOR THE COMMUNITY.
RIGHT.
HOPEFULLY ONE DAY HE'LL COME TO HIS SENSES AND AND REALIZE THAT HIS HIS TIME COULD SPENT [ On television .]
IN SO MANY MORE PRODUCTIVE WAYS.
LIKE JOINING OUR GAY MEN'S READING GROUP.
YES.
LAST WEEK, WE READ SYLVIA PLATH.
OH.
AND THIS WEEK JANE AUSTEN.
Actors: [ Sighing .]
THAT'S THE BEST ANNIVERSARY GIFT WE'VE EVER RECEIVED.
[ ?????? .]
"GAY AS BLAZES" WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
BLAZETHIS.
[ Shouts of protest .]
BRIAN! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? COME ON.
YOU WANT ME TO CHUCK MY BEER? THAT'S MY FAVOURITE NEW SHOW.
THE ACTORS ARE DREAMY.
AND "THE TIMES" SAYS IT'S THE MOST HONEST LOOK AT GAY LIFE EVER PORTRAYED ON TELEVISION.
WELL THEN, WHERE'S THE SUCKING? AND WHERE'S THE FUCKING? JESUS, DON'T YOU GET ENOUGH OF THAT AT HOME THE WHOLE POINT OF G.
A.
B.
IS THAT IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SEX.
THERE'S MORE TO GAY LIFE THAN THAT.
LIKE, READING SYLVIA PLATH.
I'D SOONER KILL MYSELF.
THESE CHARACTERS HAVE PRINCIPLES.
WHEN YOU HAVE PRINCIPLES, YOU DON'T NEED ORGASMS.
YOU HAVE PRINCIPLES WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ORGASMS.
I, FOR ONE, COMMEND THE WRITERS AND THE PRODUCERS FOR PORTRAYING US AS MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE.
INSTEAD OF BEING PROMISCUOUS AND NARCISSISTIC.
WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.
OH, I WISH THEY'D BRING THAT BACK.
[ Chuckles .]
Ted: EVEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT THE STRAIGHT WORLD SEES REALISTIC PORTRAYALS OF US.
YOU CALL THAT REALISTIC? AND WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK WHAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE THINK? Melanie: HEY, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTING THE HERO AWARD FROM THE CENTRE.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
YOU SAVED JUSTIN'S LIFE.
THEY CAN KEEP THEIR GOLDEN DILDO.
HEY-HEY-HEY, I EXPECT YOU TO BE AT THE AWARDS DINNER SUNDAY NIGHT.
ACTUALLY THANKS.
ONE FOR YOU.
SUNDAY? DARN! IT'S SUCK-O-RAMA AT THE TOOL SHED.
OH VERY MATURE, BRIAN.
Melanie: YES, THERE HE GOES, OUR HERO.
[ On Television .]
WE NOW RETURN TO "GAY AS BLAZES".
Emmett: OH SHH- SHH-SHH! OW, OW.
HURTING, HURTING.
DID THE MUNCHERS SEND YOU TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T MISBEHAVE? NO.
I THOUGHT WE COULD MIS- BEHAVE TOGETHER.
I CAN'T.
I GOTTA GET BACK.
CHRIST, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE ACTUALLY BECOMING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR GAY MEN EVERYWHERE.
NO, I'LL LEAVE THAT TO "GAY AS BLAZES".
JUSTIN STILL GETS KIND OF FREAKY WHEN HE'S ON HIS OWN TOO LONG.
OH, RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW? OH, SLAVE TAGS? KINKY.
THEY'RE TWO UBER- PASSES TO COMICON.
PRIORITY ACCESS TO ALL EVENTS, A COMPLETE COMIC BOOK OVERLOAD! ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR YOU.
WHOA-HO, DUDE! THE KIDS AT SCHOOL WILL, LIKE, PUKE THEY'LL BE, LIKE, SO JEALOUS.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A NO.
I'D RUN AWAY SCREAMING, BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
[ Sigh .]
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SURE.
OKAY.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND SOMETIME.
THE SULKING GIVES YOU JOWLS, IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE.
IT'S JUST, WE HAVEN'T HOOKED UP SINCE I GOT BACK.
I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A CHANCE, THAT'S ALL.
WHAT TIME TOMORROW? MARRIOTT DOWNTOWN.
I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.
YOU'RE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL.
THE FUCK I AM.
Melanie: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GODDAMN CAR KEYS? AND DON'T THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND BY INDUCING A SUGAR HIGH WITH A CHEAP BAG OF DOUGHNUTS.
MMM, GOD, THE ONES WITH THE SPRINKLES ARE GOOD.
COME TO DADDY.
COME ON, SONNY-BOY.
WE WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO GET THEM TO GIVE YOU THAT AWARD.
WELL TELL THEM TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE THAT NEEDS THEIR APPROVAL.
BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT APPROVAL.
IT'S ABOUT HONOURING YOUR BRAVERY, YOUR COURAGE.
Lindsay: HEY, HON? DO YOU WANT TO TRY ONE OF THE CRULLERS? NO.
I KNOW I LEFT THEM RIGHT HERE.
Brian: IT'S ABOUT THE $300 A PLATE THEY'RE CHARGING.
AH.
IT'S TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEW DAYCARE PROGRAMME WHICH, PLEASE GOD, GUS WILL BENEFIT FROM.
D'YOU HEAR THAT? DAYCARE.
HEY, THIS MAY BE A JOKE TO YOU, BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.
NOT JUST TO THE COMMUNITY, BUT TO MEL AND ME.
IT'S OUR FIRST YEAR ON THE COMMITTEE.
I'M SORRY TO FUCK WITH YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING.
YOU LITTLE SHIT! LOOK.
HONEY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT! THAT'S ENOUGH SUGAR.
COME ON, BRIAN.
YOU CAN'T BLOW OFF AN EVENING IN YOUR HONOUR.
Brian: [ Whistling .]
STAND UP.
[ Groan .]
LISTEN TO ME, MISTER.
YOU WILL SHOW UP AT THE CEREMONY.
YOU WILL CHECK YOUR PISSY ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR, AND YOU WILL BEHAVE IN A MANNER BEFITTING A HERO.
OR AT LEAST, LIKE YOU APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, AND SUPPORT, AND HARD WORK YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS HAVE GONE TO ON YOUR FUCKING BEHALF.
GOT IT? I GOT IT.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT, YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS? OHHH-OHH OH, MY GOD! [ Laughter .]
Brian: SONNY-BOY.
[ Squeals of excitement .]
COME TO DADDY.
FUCK! DID YOU SEE THIS? "THE WOLF IN HERO'S CLOTHING" BY HOWARD BELLWEATHER? [ Reading .]
"IS THERE ANYONE LESS DESERVING OF THIS YEAR'S GAY AND LESBIAN CENTRE'S OUTSTANDING AWARD FOR HEROISM, THAN BRIAN KINNEY?" Michael: "MR.
KINNEY IS A MISERABLE EXAMPLE OF A MODERN GAY STEREOTYPE" "TOTALLY PROMISCUOUS, COMPLETELY VAIN" WELL, HE'S NOT WRONG ON THAT COUNT.
Ted: "HE CAN BE FOUND NIGHTLY IN BACK ROOMS AND SEX CLUBS.
" Vic: "AS FOR THE YOUNG MAN HE RESCUED FROM A VIOLENT ASSAULT, HE IS, IN FACT, HIS Ted: "SO WHILE WE'RE LED TO BELIEVE IS THAT YOU? HE IS A HERO, THE TRUTH IS" "HE'S A PEDOPHILE" "DESERVING NOT OUR HONOUR" "BUT OUR CONTEMPT"? Debbie: WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS HOWARD BEDWETTER? HOWARD BELLWEATHER HAPPENS TO BE THE GAY SOCIAL CONSCIENCE OF PITTSBURGH.
I ALWAYS LISTEN TO HIS RADIO SHOW.
I'VE READ EVERY WORD HE'S EVER WRITTEN.
MMM.
CONGRAT- ULATIONS.
THE CENTRE'S GIVING HIM THEIR OUTSTANDING GAY ADVOCATE AWARD.
YEAH WELL, THEY OUGHTA GIVE HIM THEIR OUTSTANDING GAY ASSHOLE AWARD.
I'M SUING THE MOTHERFUCKER.
TAKE IT EASY, BRIAN.
HE SAID I'M 31.
I'M 30.
Justin: IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT? HE PRACTICALLY CALLED YOU A CHILD MOLESTER.
WELL, WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN YOU? DON'T FORGET, COMICON TONIGHT, [ ?????? .]
[ Chime of doorbell .]
YES? HI, I, UH I-I'M EMMETT.
TH-THE AGENCY SENT ME.
THE NEW MAID.
I'M BLAINE.
PLEASE, COME IN.
[ ?????? .]
SWEETHEART? OH.
THIS IS MY LIFE PARTNER, BLAIR.
OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE JUST LIKE BOBBY AND BRUCE.
WHO? YOU KNOW, "GAY AS BLAZES".
THE TV SHOW? OH! WE DON'T WATCH TELEVISION.
I'M USUALLY POURING OVER MEDICAL JOURNALS.
AND I'M PREPARING LEGAL BRIEFS.
UH! SO WAIT.
SO WAIT; YOU'RE A JUDGE, AND YOU'RE A SURGEON? UH, LAWYER.
DENTIST.
PFF! NEXT THING, YOU'LL BE TELLING ME YOU BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 YEARS AND THAT YOU NEVER FUCK AROUND! [ Chuckle .]
OH, UM SORRY.
WE BELIEVE THAT MONOGAMY IS THE FOUNDATION OF A SOLID RELATIONSHIP.
DON'T WE, SWEETHEART? ABSOLUTELY.
OH, THAT'S THAT'S SO INSPIRING.
UM IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL PRIVILEGE TO, UH TO WORK FOR TWO DISTINGUISHED GENTLE- MEN LIKE YOURSELVES.
SO [ Opening of zipper .]
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO START? WAIT! WAIT! W-W-WHAT? I'M I'M A NAKED MAID.
DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU, THE AGENCY? YES, BUT, UM, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
WH Blair: YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH SOME MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY FIND IT TITILLATING TO SEXUALIZE EVEN DOMESTIC WORK, WE PREFER YOU KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
WE'LL PAY YOU THE SAME FEE, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST OUR SMALL WAY OF BRINGING A LITTLE DIGNITY TO OUR COMMUNITY.
OUR LAST MAID GOT A Ph.
D.
S REALLY? HUH! WELL, IF IT'S NOT ONE COMMUNICABLE DISEASE, IT'S ANOTHER.
[ Chuckle .]
SO, UM SO, AH, W-WHICH WAY IS THE DESIGNER KITCHEN? THIS WAY.
[ Mixed chatter/laughter .]
[ ?????? .]
?? I DON'T CARE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? OOH ?? ?? DIRT ?? [ Beeping of cell phone .]
?? AND I DON'T CARE ?? ?? 'CAUSE I'M ?? ?? BURNING ?? [ ?????? .]
?? INSIDE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? INSIDE LIKE THE FIRE LIGHT ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Moans of ecstasy .]
DO YOU THINK SEX WILL BE THIS GOOD AFTER WE'RE MARRIED? NO.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO HAVE AS MUCH AS WE CAN NOW.
?? YEAH, ALL RIGHT ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Gasp .]
FUCK ME.
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
[ Panting/moaning .]
?? I DON'T CARE ?? AH, SHIT.
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
WHO IS THAT? [ Giggling .]
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
COMING.
THE VIBRATOR! HUH? OH.
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
CATCH IT.
[ Buzzing of vibrator .]
[ Banging on door .]
TANNIS PHILLIP, WHAT A SURPRISE.
SHIT.
SHIT! THE AWARDS COMMITTEE IS IN CRISIS.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
HONEY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S HERE.
OH, TANNIS! PHILIP! WHAT A SURPRISE, HAVE A SEAT.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SO, YOU WERE SAYING WE HAVE A PROBLEM? [ Muffled buzzing of vibrator .]
HAVE YOU READ HOWARD BELLWEATHER'S ARTICLE? Phillip: IF OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS HEAR THAT WE'RE GIVING BRIAN KINNEY AN AWARD, THEY WILL CUT US OFF.
WE'LL LOSE OUR SUPPORT, OUR FUNDING [ Buzzing of vibrator .]
DO YOU HEAR A BUZZING? OH NO, I UH, THE BABY MONITOR'S ON THE FRITZ.
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING FROM [ Buzzing .]
OH! GOD! Melanie: OH.
EUW! THERE IT IS.
Melanie: DID YOU KNOW, UM VIBRATION IN THE SOIL PRODUCES IONIZATION, WHICH IN TURN, STIMULATES GROWTH, CAUSING THE PETALS TO OPEN? IT'S THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNFAIR AND DISHONEST ATTACK.
JUSTIN TAYLOR'S A COLLEGE STUDENT.
UH THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS LEGAL, CONSENSUAL AND VERY LOVING.
BESIDES, THE AWARD IS FOR BRIAN'S COURAGE, NOT HIS SEXUAL CONDUCT.
TELL THAT TO OUR BENEFACTORS.
THE SCENT OF A SCANDAL COULD SEND THEM PACKING, ALONG WITH THEIR CLUTCH PURSES.
THAT IS WHY YOU TWO HAVE GOT TO GET KINNEY TO DECLINE IT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GET HIM TO ACCEPT IT? WELL THEN, IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, SHOULD IT? OH.
HE STOOD ME UP.
Ted & Emmett: [ On telephone .]
No! HE PROMISED HE'D BE THERE.
I BOUGHT UBER-PASSES AND EVERYTHING.
WELL, I HATE TO SAY THIS, MICHAEL, BUT MAYBE YOU AND HE ARE DRIFTING APART.
HONEY, IT HAPPENS TO THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDS.
SO, HOW ABOUT COMING AHH WITH ME TO THE BELLWEATHER BOOK SIGNING? AFTER WHAT HE WROTE ABOUT BRIAN? BRIAN'S HARDLY A HERO.
GOD, TEDDY! WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A PRUDE? SINCE HE LOST HIS JOB, WHACKING OFF.
I'M NOT A PRUDE.
AND I WASN'T WHACK I-I JUST I I HAPPEN TO THINK HE MIGHT HAVE A POINT.
WELL, I DON'T THINK ANY OF US ARE IN A POSITION TO JUDGE, CONSIDERING SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE'VE DONE.
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
OH, I COULD REMIND YOU OF A FEW.
OHH-HO GOTTA GO! YEP, ME TOO.
I'M IRONING MY BOSS' PANTS.
AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BARE-ASSED? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THEY PREFER ME TO KEEP MY CLOTHES ON.
ARE YOU SURE THEY'RE GAY? AH, NOT ONLY ARE THEY GAY, THEY'RE THE MOST DECENT PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE BRIAN, IF YOU EVER DO, YOU CAN TELL HIM HE'S WRONG.
THOSE PEOPLE ON "GAY AS BLAZES" DO EXIST.
[ Spraying of starch .]
HEY.
OH! HUH, HI.
[ Chuckling .]
AH, BLAINE CALLED.
HE'S, UH, DOING SOME EXTRA PRO BONO WORK AT THE GAY HOMELESS SHELTER AND YOU'RE DUE AT THE GAY HARVARD GRADUATES' LUNCHEON.
[ Chuckling .]
I'LL HAVE THIS DONE IN A IN A JIFF.
YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB, EMMETT.
THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST, WELL SEEING YOU TWO HAS HAS REALLY IN- SPIRED ME TO, UH, T-TO STRIVE, TO ACHIEVE, TO BETTER MYSELF.
THAT'S A GREAT COMPLIMENT.
WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO, YOU LET ME KNOW.
OKAY.
OH, FOR PETE SAKE! [ Chuckling .]
LET ME.
OOPS! DROPPED YOUR TOWEL.
YEAH, DARN.
I KNOW.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET THAT FOR ME? I'M REALLY GRATEFUL.
I I SEE THAT.
OH OH SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
KEEP IT UP, SUNSHINE.
THE GOOD WORK, THAT IS.
[ Chuckling .]
ISN'T HE SOMETHING? MM, MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER.
MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER IS VALIUM.
HUH? IT'S A DRUG REFERENCE FROM A ROLLING STONES SONG.
I KNOW THE SONG, THANK YOU.
I WAS LISTENING TO IT BEFORE YOU WERE FUCKING BORN.
ANCIENT HISTORY.
[ Chuckling .]
OKAY, WHAT'D HE DO THIS TIME? WHO? "WHO".
IS THERE ANYONE ELSE? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AT THE COMIC CONVENTION AND I'M BITING MY TONGUE SO HARD I'M TASTING BLOOD.
SO JUST SAY IT, YOU WILL ANYWAY.
WHY MUST YOUR HAPPINESS ALWAYS DEPEND ON SOMEONE ELSE? FIRST BRIAN, THEN DAVID.
NOW BACK TO BRIAN.
YOU FINISHED? I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.
IF YOU CAME BACK HERE 'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT BRIAN WAS MISSING YOU AS BAD AS YOU WERE MISSING HIM, YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME.
THAT'S NOT WHY I CAME BACK.
HE HAS A LIFE OF HIS OWN.
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT YOU.
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE ME SAYING THIS I'M SURE OF THAT.
I THINK HE ACTUALLY MIGHT LOVE THIS KID.
AS MUCH AS HE CAN.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.
AT LEAST I THOUGHT WE WERE.
THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO CHANGE.
WELL, ONE MINUTE I'M STARCHING HIS COLLAR, THE NEXT MINUTE I'M SUCKING HIS COCK.
SINGLE-HANDEDLY I-I'VE DESTROYED THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE.
I'M SCUM.
NO, I'M WORSE THAN SCUM.
UH, WHAT'S WORSE THAN SCUM? WE'VE ALL BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NOBODY DOES ANYTHING THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
THIS BLAIR SOUNDS LIKE NO ANGEL.
PFFT.
HE WAS.
NOW HE'S FALLEN.
OH, I'M I'M THE SNAKE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, THAT'S WHAT I AM.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! NO, START BLAMING YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU COULD KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF SEX LONG ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE GOING TO A MUSEUM.
OR READING A BOOK.
A BOOK? YEAH, IT'S GOT PAGES.
LITTLE WORDS ON IT.
YOU KNOW, COVER.
ALLEGEDLY IT IMPROVES THE MIND AND OH! HEY, HERE, THEY HAPPEN TO SELL THEM RIGHT HERE.
ANYBODY CARE TO JOIN ME? NO.
YOU KEEP YOUR HERO, I'LL STICK TO CAPTAIN ASTRO.
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO GO MAKE DINNER FOR BLAINE AND BLAIR.
HOW AM I GOING TO FACE THEM? WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY? DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
[ Sighing .]
OW.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
WANT TO GO BACK? NO.
SURE? YEAH.
LOOK, NO HANDS.
HEY! FUCKER.
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S JUST AN ACCIDENT.
DON'T LET IT THROW YOU.
THANK YOU.
MR.
BELLWEATHER, I AM SO, SO VALIDATED BY WHAT YOU WRITE.
YOU ARE A FONT OF INSPIRATION AND WISDOM.
HAH.
A FONT? WELL, HOW KIND.
AND YOU ARE? [ Nervous chuckle .]
I'M TED.
YEAH? UH, TED, UH, TED SCHMIDT.
UH, IT'S, UH, S-C-H-M Justin: SIGN THIS.
"TO BRIAN KINNEY, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES FOR WHAT I WROTE ABOUT YOU.
I'M A SUCKING SACK OF SHIT.
[ Gasps of surprise .]
LOVE AND LUCK, HOWIE.
" OH, GOD.
I TAKE IT YOU ARE HIS TEENAGE LOVER.
WELL.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET SUCH A BRIGHT, BRAVE YOUNG MAN.
IF ANYONE DESERVES AN AWARD FOR HEROISM, IT'S YOU.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO SAY THOSE THINGS.
ON THE CONTRARY, IT WAS MY OBLIGATION.
HE SAVED MY LIFE.
HE'S ALSO STOLEN PART OF IT.
YOUR INNOCENCE, YOUR YOUTH.
ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE HE'S HURT YOU AS MUCH AS YOUR ATTACKER.
All: [ Gasps of surprise .]
Justin: COME ON, BRIAN.
BY THE WAY I'M 30.
[ Grunt .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
[ Uneasy chuckle .]
THANK YOU, THAT'S GREAT.
Blaine: EMMETT? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
TELL YOU WHAT? [ Rattling of chopping board .]
THAT YOU COULD COOK.
SMELLS FANTASTIC.
OH-H, IT'S JUST A LITTLESAUCE PIQUANTE.
FOR THE FISH.
HMM.
BLAIR'LL BE SORRY HE MISSED THIS.
HE'S, UH H-HE'S NOT HERE? IT'S HIS NIGHT TO READ TO THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED GAY SENIORS GROUP.
WELL, I'LL JUST, UH, I'LL JUST SET THE TABLE FOR ONE, THEN.
WHY DON'T YOU EAT WITH ME? I HATE DINING ALONE.
ALL RIGHT.
MIND IF I HAVE A TASTE? AH, HERE.
LET ME.
MMM.
OH! OH-HO.
GOT SOME ON YOUR PANTS.
BETTER BETTER GET THAT OUT BEFORE IT STAINS.
I'LL TAKE MY PANTS OFF.
NO-NO-NO! NO.
DON'T DO THAT.
YEAH, W-WE'LL JUST WE'LL JUST DO IT THIS WAY.
YOU KNOW, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE YOU NO-NO-NO-NO.
GO AHEAD.
YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
BUT YOU'D BETTER RUB HARDER.
YEAH, UH BEEN TO ANY MUSEUMS? [ Panting .]
READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY? OHH-H.
LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE.
FORGIVE ME, FATHER.
[ Moaning .]
CHATEAU FOUTRE, '90.
IT'S A VERY GOOD YEAR.
BLACK ANGUS.
SO BLUE IT MOOS.
[ Chiming of timer .]
Melanie: WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT'S FOR DESSERT.
DEATH BY CHOCOLATE.
IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY TO GO? AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER OH, YEAH.
[ Sighing .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
MAYBE THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX.
[ Chuckle .]
FINE FOOD, FINE WINE, FINE CIGAR.
[ Pleased chuckles .]
WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'RE SO CYNICAL YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE A LITTLE TLC? [ Chuckling .]
FROM LESBIAN LUCY AND ETHEL? SPILL IT.
YOU KNOW THE AWARD FROM THE CENTRE? THE ONE YOU NEVER WANTED ANYWAY? WHAT ABOUT IT? WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
AH-HA.
I DON'T? WE EXPLAINED TO THEM THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH PUBLIC ATTENTION, SO THEY SAID ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY, "THANKS ANYWAY, BUT NO THANKS" AND THE WHOLE THING WILL JUST GO AWAY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PREPARE A SPEECH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A TUX.
NOTHING! THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
WHAT'S THEREALREASON? COULD IT BE THEY READ HOWARD BELLWEATHER'S BULLSHIT AND NOW THEY'RE AFRAID THAT IF THEY HONOUR ME THEY'LL TARNISH THEIR SPOTLESS IMAGE? OR EVEN WORSE, LOSE THEIR PRECIOUS CORPORATE SPONSORS? AND NOW THEY WANT ME TO SPARE THEM THE EMBARRASSMENT.
[ Sigh .]
GUESS WHAT? I'M NOT DOING THEM ANY FAVOURS.
OH, COME ON, BRIAN.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT.
WE PRACTICALLY HAD TO FORCE-FEED IT TO YOU.
THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED WHAT AN HONOUR IT WOULD BE TO BE RECOGNIZED BY SUCH A FINE, UPSTAND- ING ORGANIZATION.
I'VE EVEN STARTED WORKING ON MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, IN FACT.
WANT TO HEAR IT? GOD! [ Clearing of throat .]
GREETINGS AND WELCOME ALL YOU SEXUALLY CHALLENGED, TRANSMOGRIFIED, BI-POLAR WHATEVER- THE-FUCK-YOU-AREs [ ?????? .]
HEY, BOYS! HI, HONEY.
HI, TEDDY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I BELIEVE THESE SEATS ARE RESERVED FOR THE LIVING.
MA, DO YOU HAVE TO SIT HERE? WELL, I DON'T SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS "RESERVED FOR BRIAN".
I TOLD YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE HANGING OUT IN GAY BARS WITH YOUR MOTHER.
BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
IF YOU MEET SOMEBODY NICE, YOU WON'T HAVE TO BRING HIM HOME TO MEET ME, 'CAUSE I'M ALREADY HERE.
Debbie & Vic: [ Chuckling .]
I'M NOT MEETING ANYBODY.
OH.
WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT YOU SURE AS HELL WON'T.
YOU TWO STICK- IN-THE-MUDS HAVE GOT TO GO HAVE SOME FUN! COME ON.
GO DANCING, HUH? GO GET LAID.
WHAT KIND OF MINDLESS PALLIATIVE IS THAT FOR EXISTENTIAL ANGST? SAY WHAT? Vic: A DAMN GOOD ONE.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND, YOU GUYS'LL BE OUR AGE.
GOD, DON'T REMIND ME.
AND YOU'LL REGRET EVERY NIGHT YOU DIDN'T GO OUT AND GRAB A LITTLE LIFE.
NOT TO MENTION A LITTLE ASS.
Debbie & Vic: [ Chuckling .]
[ Sigh .]
WELL I DID SEE AN INVITATION ON HOTPITTS.
COM TO A B.
B.
PARTY.
I THOUGHT YOU SWORE OFF THE INTERNET.
IT WAS A SITE I FORGOT TO DELETE.
A B.
B.
PARTY? IT STANDS FOR BODY-BUILDERS.
Debbie: MM.
GOD, I JUST LOVE ROCK-HARD PECS AND RIPPLED ABS.
GOD, MOM, YOU ARE SUCH AFAG.
YEAH, IT PUTS THE REST OF US TO SHAME.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Men: [ Moaning .]
[ ?????? .]
OH, YEAH.
I'LL GET A DRINK FIRST, THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
Various: [ Grunts of exertion .]
[ ?????? .]
WHOA! HAH.
SOME PARTY, HUH? THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
THIS IS AN ORGY.
Ted: YEAH.
HI.
HI.
UH BOY, IF BRIAN ONLY KNEW WHAT HE WAS MISSING.
FUCK BRIAN.
[ ?????? .]
OH, MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? DON'T POINT.
THAT'S HOWARD BELLWEATHER.
Michael: HE DOESN'T HAVE A VERY GOOD BODY.
COURSE NOT, HE'S A WRITER.
THESE GUYS DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE BODY- BUILDERS TO ME.
Ted: THEY CERTAINLY ARE GETTING A WORK-OUT.
THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
SOMETHING'S MISSING.
HORS D'OEUVRES? CONDOMS.
NO ONE'S USING CONDOMS.
INCLUDING HOWARD BELLWEATHER.
SHH! [ ?????? .]
HOLY SHIT, I DON'T THINK B.
B.
STANDS FOR BODY-BUILDERS.
I THINK IT STANDS FOR BARE-BACKING.
[ ?????? .]
Tannis: [ Over P.
A.
.]
WE'RE NOT GIVING BRIAN KINNEY AN AWARD! HOW DO YOU TURN THIS FUCKING THING OFF? [ Squeal of feedback .]
OUR MISTAKE WAS SENDING COMMITTEE NEOPHYTES TO DO CO-CHAIR WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
FEMS.
IF KINNEY INSISTS ON ACCEPTING THE AWARD, WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO REFUSE TO GIVE IT TO HIM.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.
EXCUSE ME? HONEY, I IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY NOW, YOU'LL BE IN BREACH OF PROMISE AND HE'LL TAKE ACTION.
WHAT KIND OF ACTION? LEGAL ACTION.
ARE YOU SUGGEST- ING HE'D SUE? "NON-PROFIT" WILL TAKE ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING WHEN HE'S THROUGH WITH YOU.
IS THIS TRUE? IF HE WANTED TO, HE COULD DRAG US TO COURT.
BUT THAT WOULD BE FINAN- CIALLY RUINOUS, NOT TO MENTION THE HUMILIATION.
WE'D BE RUN OFF THE BOARD! AS YOUR COUNSEL, MY PROFESSIONAL ADVICE IS TO JUST GIVE HIM THE FUCKING AWARD.
WELL, YOU CAN CONGRATULATE MR.
KINNEY ON ADDING BLACKMAIL TO HIS LONG LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
Tannis: STRAIGHTEN THAT BANNER! BREACH OF PROMISE? WHERE'D THAT COME FROM? HEY, YOU FUCK A LAWYER, YOU PICK UP A FEW THINGS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
[ ?????? .]
Ted: THAT SMUG, SANCTIMONIOUS, HYPOCRITICAL WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS, JUDGING EVERY- BODY'S BEHAVIOUR? ESPECIALLY BRIAN'S.
TO THINK I JUST SPENT MAYBE HE'LL USE THE MONEY TO BUY RUBBERS.
IS THERE NO SUCH THING AS DECENCY LEFT? Emmett: THERE WAS.
ONCE UPON A TIME UNTIL I CAME ALONG.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU DID THE OTHER ONE? I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF! WHAT ABOUT THEM? YOU SAID THEY WERE A HAPPILY COMMITTED COUPLE.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
OBVIOUSLY, UP AGAINST MY POWERS OF SEDUCTION, THEY DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
Emmett: I'M GONNA GO.
OH, HEY! IT'S JUST THE MAN I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
WANT TO DANCE? I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
COME ON.
I SAID I DON'T WANT TO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
AND IF YOU DID, YOU WOULDN'T CARE.
[ ?????? .]
Brian: FINE.
THE CONVENTION, ASSHOLE, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME! IS THAT ALL? YEAH, THAT'S ALL.
I'M SORRY, I GOT TIED UP.
ACTUALLY, HEDID.
SEE, I PICKED UP THIS COP I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
DOESN'T MATTER.
COME ON, MIKEY, IT'S A FUCKING COMIC BOOK CONVENTION, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
RIGHT.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
A BUNCH OF GEEKS WANDERING AROUND, SEARCHING FOR LOST PIECES OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.
IT'S PRETTY PATHETIC WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
ONLY THE REASON FOR GOING WASN'T TO FIND A "GREEN LANTERN" FROM 1982.
IT WAS FOR US TO BE TOGETHER THE WAY WE USED TO BE.
BEFORE I RAN OFF WITH DAVID, BEFORE BEFORE JUSTIN GOT HURT.
THE DYNAMIC DUO, REUNITED ONCE AGAIN.
BUT I GUESS THINGS DON'T WORK OUT THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW, THINGS GO FORWARD INSTEAD OF BACKWARDS, RIGHT? AND NOTHING STAYS THE SAME, SO DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF.
THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE THERE WITH ME AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO EXPECT YOU TO BE.
[ ?????? .]
I'M, UM, I-I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.
UH, I HOPE YOU WON'T BE ANGRY.
BUT, UM, I-I HAVE TO GIVE YOU MY NOTICE.
OH, EMMETT, NO! AREN'T YOU HAPPY HERE? HAVE WE DONE SOMETHING TO DISPLEASE YOU? OH, NO.
NO, NO.
IT'S IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S ME.
I'M UNWORTHY TO WORK FOR TWO SUCH FINE MEN.
YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT.
NO ONE HAS EVER GIVEN US SERVICE QUITE LIKE YOU.
TST.
I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
IN FACT, BLAIR HAS TOLD ME HIMSELF HOW HAPPY HE IS WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE.
HAVEN'T YOU, BLAIR? OH, YES.
AND BLAINE HAS DONE THE SAME.
HAVEN'T YOU, SWEETHEART? HMM.
WE'VE NEVER HAD A MORE CONGENIAL MENIAL.
HA [ Stammering .]
W-W-WAIT A MINUTE.
UM Y-YOU BOTH KNOW? OF COURSE.
BUT I I-I THOUGHT DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE COMPLETE- LY MONOGAMOUS? WE ARE.
BUT WE CAN ALL USE A LITTLE HELP AROUND THE HOUSE.
NOW, WON'T YOU STAY? MM-HM.
[ Uneasy chuckle .]
YOU KNOW, I, UH, I I MAY BE A SLUT BUT AT LEAST I'M AN HONEST SLUT.
SO, UH, SO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT THE STARCH IN YOUR PANTS.
[ Rubbing of hands .]
[ Slapping of legs .]
RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
?? GRAND PIANOS CRASH TOGETHER ?? ?? WHEN MY BOY WALKS DOWN THE STREET ?? ?? THERE ARE ALL NEW KINDS OF WEATHER ?? ?? WHEN HE WALKS WITH HIS NEW BEAT ?? COME ON, SONNY-BOY.
?? WHEN MY BOY WALKS DOWN THE STREET ?? ?? LIFE JUST KINDA DANCES THROUGH YA ?? ?? FROM YOUR SMILE DOWN TO YOUR FEET ?? ?? AMAZING ?? ?? HE'S A WHOLE NEW FORM OF LIFE ?? [ ?????? .]
I WASN'T SURE I COULD DO IT.
I WAS.
WHAT'S THAT FOR? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES.
THEN SUCK ME OFF.
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
WOW.
YOU ARE RECOVERING NICELY.
BAD AS NEW.
LOOK, ONE STEP AT A TIME.
FIRST, WE WALK BACK TO MY PLACE.
THEN I SUCK YOU OFF.
I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF.
YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF HEAD? NO, I CAN WALK BACK WITHOUT A CHAPERONE.
YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO LOSE ME, ARE YOU? MM-HMM.
I'M SICK OF YOU ALWAYS FOL- LOWING ME AROUND.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE? YEAH, BUT NONE OF THEM ADORE ME AS MUCH YOU DO.
I CAN THINK OF ONE THAT DOES.
ANYWAY, YOU HAVE A BIG, IMPORTANT FUND- RAISER TO ATTEND.
MMM.
YOU MEAN A BORING, INSIGNIFICANT TIME- WASTER TO ENDURE.
YOU'RE A HERO.
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS.
THANK YOU FOR THE STANDING OVATION.
ALL RIGHT, HERE GOES.
LATER.
LATER.
Phillip: JUST A REMINDER THAT BIDDING FOR OUR SILENT AUCTION WILL BE CLOSING IN TEN MINUTES IT'S SO STUFFY IN HERE YOU NEED AN OXYGEN MASK.
JUST KEEP BREATHING.
WHERE THE HELL IS BRIAN? FASHIONABLY LATE.
HE BETTER GET HIS FASHIONABLE ASS HERE.
Tannis: OUR NEXT RECIPIENT IS A MAN WHOSE VOICE HAS BEEN A BEACON OF TRUTH IN AN OFTEN STORMY SEA OF MORAL UNCERTAINTY.
A MAN WHO HAS CHALLENGED US TO ACCOUNT FOR OUR BEHAVIOUR, WHO'S DEMANDED WE ACCEPT NOTHING LESS OF OURSELVES THAN DECENCY AND DIGNITY.
THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING GAY ADVOCATE AWARD GOES TO MR.
HOWARD Together: BELLWEATHER! [ Excited chuckle .]
[ Applause .]
YAY! [ Mouthing silently .]
HOW CAN WE COMPLAIN OF BEING STEREOTYPED, OF BEING MARGINALIZED, WHEN IT IS OFTEN MEMBERS OF OUR OWN COMMUNITY WHO, THROUGH THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR, PERPETUATE SUCH TREATMENT.
WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY.
AND SO WE MUST RAISE OURSELVES UP BY OUR MORAL [ Snoring .]
Bellweather: IN CONCLUSION DID HE SAY "CONCLUSION"? SHH! Bellweather: IT IS UP TO US TO CHANGE THE MISPERCEPTION THAT GAY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SEX.
Man: HEAR, HEAR.
Bellweather: THIS IS THE GAUNTLET I THROW DOWN TO YOU [ Snorting .]
TO PROVE WE ARE THE CONCERNED, COMMITTED CITIZENS WE, IN TRUTH, ARE.
THANK YOU.
[ Excited chuckle .]
Phillip: YAY! [ Applause .]
I STILL BELIEVE IN WHAT HE SAYS EVEN IF I DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
[ Applause .]
WOW.
OUR NEXT RECIPIENT'S NAME BECAME SYNONYMOUS WITH COURAGE WHEN HE INTERVENED IN A VICIOUS GAY- BASHING INCIDENT, SAVING THE YOUNG VICTIM'S LIFE.
HE'S A INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING GAY HERO AWARD GOES TO BRIAN KINNEY.
[ Wild cheers .]
YES! [ Applause .]
WHOO-HOO-HOO! [ Whispering .]
WELL, STOP STANDING THERE AND DO SOMETHING.
Phillip: IS, UH, BRIAN KINNEY WITH US TONIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T SHOW.
IF ONLY TO TELL THE CROWD WHERE TO STICK IT.
AND HOW HIGH.
I THINK HE GOT HIS MESSAGE ACROSS.
LOUD AND CLEAR.
[ ?????? .]
WOW, "THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN" NUMBER 49.
THIS IS SO AMAZING.
$500.
00? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING? BUY IT.
IT'S A STEAL.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEWHERE, WINNING SOME AWARD? HERO OF THE YEAR? YOU WANT A HERO? BUY A COMIC BOOK.
[ ?????? .]
WHY AREN'T YOU ACCEPTING YOUR AWARD? NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT.
WE HAD A DATE.
Woman: [ Over P.
A.
.]
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
COMICON WILL BE CLOSING IN 15 MINUTES.
YOU BARELY MADE IT.
[ ?????? .]
LOOK, I MEANT WHAT I SAID.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, WE'VE MOVED ON AND IT'S OKAY.
NO DEMANDS, NO EXPECTATIONS, NO REGRETS.
[ Sigh .]
WELL, AS LONG AS I'M HERE, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
[ ?????? .]
HEY.
LET'S GET A PICTURE.
THAT'S FOR KIDS.
COME ON, MIKEY.
IT'S STUPID.
IT WASN'T STUPID WHEN WE USED TO LOCK OURSELVES UP IN YOUR ROOM READING "CAPTAIN ASTRO AND GALAXY LAD" WISHING WE WERE INVINCIBLE LIKE THEM.
AND PRETENDING THAT NO EARTHLY FORCE COULD EVER SEPARATE US, LIKE THEM.
AND SWEARING THAT WE'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
LIKE THEM.
YOU REMEMBER THAT? [ ?????? .]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OUT ON THE STREETS ANY MORE, TRAVIS.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIVING HERE WITH US.
YOU'RE SO KIND.
I DIDN'T KNOW GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU EXISTED.
WE'RE NOT ALL SEXUAL PREDATORS.
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING WE LIKE BOUND IN LEATHER IS A GOOD 19th CENTURY NOVEL.
HUH.
HAVE YOU READ JANE AUSTEN? NO.
Bruce: [ On TV .]
IT'S BETTER THAN SEX.
Travis: OH.
BLAZE THIS.
[ Gunshot .]
[ Blowing of smoke .]
?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ?? ?? ALL THE HEROES ?? ?? ALL THE SHAKESPEARE ROLES ?? ?? THEY WATCH THEIR OWN, MAN ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS ?? TO THE HEROES ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ?? ?? ALL THE HEROES ?? ?? ALL THE SHAKESPEARE ROLES ?? ?? THEY WATCH THEIR OWN, MAN ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? [ ?????? .]
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? .]
TO JUDGE BRUCE.
AND DR.
BOBBY.
All: CONGRATULATIONS! FIDELITY.
All: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
Man: WHERE'S JAMIE? HE SAID HE'S STUCK IN SURGERY.
I'M SURE HE'S OPERATING WITH SOME BOY.
OR AT CLUB SODOM.
All: [ Gasps of disgust .]
THAT AWFUL PLACE? WHERE THEY DANCE AND TAKE DRUGS.
AND HAVE SEX.
SO I'VE HEARD.
IT'S A SHAME JAMIE'S ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BECOME A STEREOTYPE, [ Murmurs of agreement .]
INSTEAD OF A ROLE MODEL FOR THE COMMUNITY.
RIGHT.
HOPEFULLY ONE DAY HE'LL COME TO HIS SENSES AND AND REALIZE THAT HIS HIS TIME COULD SPENT [ On television .]
IN SO MANY MORE PRODUCTIVE WAYS.
LIKE JOINING OUR GAY MEN'S READING GROUP.
YES.
LAST WEEK, WE READ SYLVIA PLATH.
OH.
AND THIS WEEK JANE AUSTEN.
Actors: [ Sighing .]
THAT'S THE BEST ANNIVERSARY GIFT WE'VE EVER RECEIVED.
[ ?????? .]
"GAY AS BLAZES" WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
BLAZETHIS.
[ Shouts of protest .]
BRIAN! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? COME ON.
YOU WANT ME TO CHUCK MY BEER? THAT'S MY FAVOURITE NEW SHOW.
THE ACTORS ARE DREAMY.
AND "THE TIMES" SAYS IT'S THE MOST HONEST LOOK AT GAY LIFE EVER PORTRAYED ON TELEVISION.
WELL THEN, WHERE'S THE SUCKING? AND WHERE'S THE FUCKING? JESUS, DON'T YOU GET ENOUGH OF THAT AT HOME THE WHOLE POINT OF G.
A.
B.
IS THAT IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT SEX.
THERE'S MORE TO GAY LIFE THAN THAT.
LIKE, READING SYLVIA PLATH.
I'D SOONER KILL MYSELF.
THESE CHARACTERS HAVE PRINCIPLES.
WHEN YOU HAVE PRINCIPLES, YOU DON'T NEED ORGASMS.
YOU HAVE PRINCIPLES WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ORGASMS.
I, FOR ONE, COMMEND THE WRITERS AND THE PRODUCERS FOR PORTRAYING US AS MATURE AND RESPONSIBLE.
INSTEAD OF BEING PROMISCUOUS AND NARCISSISTIC.
WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND.
OH, I WISH THEY'D BRING THAT BACK.
[ Chuckles .]
Ted: EVEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT THE STRAIGHT WORLD SEES REALISTIC PORTRAYALS OF US.
YOU CALL THAT REALISTIC? AND WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK WHAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE THINK? Melanie: HEY, YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH NOW THAT YOU'RE GETTING THE HERO AWARD FROM THE CENTRE.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
YOU SAVED JUSTIN'S LIFE.
THEY CAN KEEP THEIR GOLDEN DILDO.
HEY-HEY-HEY, I EXPECT YOU TO BE AT THE AWARDS DINNER SUNDAY NIGHT.
ACTUALLY THANKS.
ONE FOR YOU.
SUNDAY? DARN! IT'S SUCK-O-RAMA AT THE TOOL SHED.
OH VERY MATURE, BRIAN.
Melanie: YES, THERE HE GOES, OUR HERO.
[ On Television .]
WE NOW RETURN TO "GAY AS BLAZES".
Emmett: OH SHH- SHH-SHH! OW, OW.
HURTING, HURTING.
DID THE MUNCHERS SEND YOU TO MAKE SURE I DIDN'T MISBEHAVE? NO.
I THOUGHT WE COULD MIS- BEHAVE TOGETHER.
I CAN'T.
I GOTTA GET BACK.
CHRIST, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE ACTUALLY BECOMING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR GAY MEN EVERYWHERE.
NO, I'LL LEAVE THAT TO "GAY AS BLAZES".
JUSTIN STILL GETS KIND OF FREAKY WHEN HE'S ON HIS OWN TOO LONG.
OH, RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW? OH, SLAVE TAGS? KINKY.
THEY'RE TWO UBER- PASSES TO COMICON.
PRIORITY ACCESS TO ALL EVENTS, A COMPLETE COMIC BOOK OVERLOAD! ONE FOR ME AND ONE FOR YOU.
WHOA-HO, DUDE! THE KIDS AT SCHOOL WILL, LIKE, PUKE THEY'LL BE, LIKE, SO JEALOUS.
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A NO.
I'D RUN AWAY SCREAMING, BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.
[ Sigh .]
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SURE.
OKAY.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND SOMETIME.
THE SULKING GIVES YOU JOWLS, IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE.
IT'S JUST, WE HAVEN'T HOOKED UP SINCE I GOT BACK.
I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A CHANCE, THAT'S ALL.
WHAT TIME TOMORROW? MARRIOTT DOWNTOWN.
I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.
YOU'RE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL.
THE FUCK I AM.
Melanie: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GODDAMN CAR KEYS? AND DON'T THINK THAT YOU CAN MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND BY INDUCING A SUGAR HIGH WITH A CHEAP BAG OF DOUGHNUTS.
MMM, GOD, THE ONES WITH THE SPRINKLES ARE GOOD.
COME TO DADDY.
COME ON, SONNY-BOY.
WE WENT TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO GET THEM TO GIVE YOU THAT AWARD.
WELL TELL THEM TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE THAT NEEDS THEIR APPROVAL.
BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT APPROVAL.
IT'S ABOUT HONOURING YOUR BRAVERY, YOUR COURAGE.
Lindsay: HEY, HON? DO YOU WANT TO TRY ONE OF THE CRULLERS? NO.
I KNOW I LEFT THEM RIGHT HERE.
Brian: IT'S ABOUT THE $300 A PLATE THEY'RE CHARGING.
AH.
IT'S TO RAISE MONEY FOR A NEW DAYCARE PROGRAMME WHICH, PLEASE GOD, GUS WILL BENEFIT FROM.
D'YOU HEAR THAT? DAYCARE.
HEY, THIS MAY BE A JOKE TO YOU, BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT.
NOT JUST TO THE COMMUNITY, BUT TO MEL AND ME.
IT'S OUR FIRST YEAR ON THE COMMITTEE.
I'M SORRY TO FUCK WITH YOUR SOCIAL CLIMBING.
YOU LITTLE SHIT! LOOK.
HONEY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT! THAT'S ENOUGH SUGAR.
COME ON, BRIAN.
YOU CAN'T BLOW OFF AN EVENING IN YOUR HONOUR.
Brian: [ Whistling .]
STAND UP.
[ Groan .]
LISTEN TO ME, MISTER.
YOU WILL SHOW UP AT THE CEREMONY.
YOU WILL CHECK YOUR PISSY ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR, AND YOU WILL BEHAVE IN A MANNER BEFITTING A HERO.
OR AT LEAST, LIKE YOU APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE, AND SUPPORT, AND HARD WORK YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS HAVE GONE TO ON YOUR FUCKING BEHALF.
GOT IT? I GOT IT.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT, YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS? OHHH-OHH OH, MY GOD! [ Laughter .]
Brian: SONNY-BOY.
[ Squeals of excitement .]
COME TO DADDY.
FUCK! DID YOU SEE THIS? "THE WOLF IN HERO'S CLOTHING" BY HOWARD BELLWEATHER? [ Reading .]
"IS THERE ANYONE LESS DESERVING OF THIS YEAR'S GAY AND LESBIAN CENTRE'S OUTSTANDING AWARD FOR HEROISM, THAN BRIAN KINNEY?" Michael: "MR.
KINNEY IS A MISERABLE EXAMPLE OF A MODERN GAY STEREOTYPE" "TOTALLY PROMISCUOUS, COMPLETELY VAIN" WELL, HE'S NOT WRONG ON THAT COUNT.
Ted: "HE CAN BE FOUND NIGHTLY IN BACK ROOMS AND SEX CLUBS.
" Vic: "AS FOR THE YOUNG MAN HE RESCUED FROM A VIOLENT ASSAULT, HE IS, IN FACT, HIS Ted: "SO WHILE WE'RE LED TO BELIEVE IS THAT YOU? HE IS A HERO, THE TRUTH IS" "HE'S A PEDOPHILE" "DESERVING NOT OUR HONOUR" "BUT OUR CONTEMPT"? Debbie: WHO IN THE FUCK IS THIS HOWARD BEDWETTER? HOWARD BELLWEATHER HAPPENS TO BE THE GAY SOCIAL CONSCIENCE OF PITTSBURGH.
I ALWAYS LISTEN TO HIS RADIO SHOW.
I'VE READ EVERY WORD HE'S EVER WRITTEN.
MMM.
CONGRAT- ULATIONS.
THE CENTRE'S GIVING HIM THEIR OUTSTANDING GAY ADVOCATE AWARD.
YEAH WELL, THEY OUGHTA GIVE HIM THEIR OUTSTANDING GAY ASSHOLE AWARD.
I'M SUING THE MOTHERFUCKER.
TAKE IT EASY, BRIAN.
HE SAID I'M 31.
I'M 30.
Justin: IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT? HE PRACTICALLY CALLED YOU A CHILD MOLESTER.
WELL, WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN YOU? DON'T FORGET, COMICON TONIGHT, [ ?????? .]
[ Chime of doorbell .]
YES? HI, I, UH I-I'M EMMETT.
TH-THE AGENCY SENT ME.
THE NEW MAID.
I'M BLAINE.
PLEASE, COME IN.
[ ?????? .]
SWEETHEART? OH.
THIS IS MY LIFE PARTNER, BLAIR.
OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE JUST LIKE BOBBY AND BRUCE.
WHO? YOU KNOW, "GAY AS BLAZES".
THE TV SHOW? OH! WE DON'T WATCH TELEVISION.
I'M USUALLY POURING OVER MEDICAL JOURNALS.
AND I'M PREPARING LEGAL BRIEFS.
UH! SO WAIT.
SO WAIT; YOU'RE A JUDGE, AND YOU'RE A SURGEON? UH, LAWYER.
DENTIST.
PFF! NEXT THING, YOU'LL BE TELLING ME YOU BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 YEARS AND THAT YOU NEVER FUCK AROUND! [ Chuckle .]
OH, UM SORRY.
WE BELIEVE THAT MONOGAMY IS THE FOUNDATION OF A SOLID RELATIONSHIP.
DON'T WE, SWEETHEART? ABSOLUTELY.
OH, THAT'S THAT'S SO INSPIRING.
UM IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL PRIVILEGE TO, UH TO WORK FOR TWO DISTINGUISHED GENTLE- MEN LIKE YOURSELVES.
SO [ Opening of zipper .]
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO START? WAIT! WAIT! W-W-WHAT? I'M I'M A NAKED MAID.
DIDN'T THEY TELL YOU, THE AGENCY? YES, BUT, UM, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
WH Blair: YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH SOME MEMBERS OF OUR COMMUNITY FIND IT TITILLATING TO SEXUALIZE EVEN DOMESTIC WORK, WE PREFER YOU KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.
WE'LL PAY YOU THE SAME FEE, OF COURSE.
IT'S JUST OUR SMALL WAY OF BRINGING A LITTLE DIGNITY TO OUR COMMUNITY.
OUR LAST MAID GOT A Ph.
D.
S REALLY? HUH! WELL, IF IT'S NOT ONE COMMUNICABLE DISEASE, IT'S ANOTHER.
[ Chuckle .]
SO, UM SO, AH, W-WHICH WAY IS THE DESIGNER KITCHEN? THIS WAY.
[ Mixed chatter/laughter .]
[ ?????? .]
?? I DON'T CARE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? OOH ?? ?? DIRT ?? [ Beeping of cell phone .]
?? AND I DON'T CARE ?? ?? 'CAUSE I'M ?? ?? BURNING ?? [ ?????? .]
?? INSIDE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? INSIDE LIKE THE FIRE LIGHT ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Moans of ecstasy .]
DO YOU THINK SEX WILL BE THIS GOOD AFTER WE'RE MARRIED? NO.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TO HAVE AS MUCH AS WE CAN NOW.
?? YEAH, ALL RIGHT ?? [ ?????? .]
[ Gasp .]
FUCK ME.
[ ?????? .]
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
[ Panting/moaning .]
?? I DON'T CARE ?? AH, SHIT.
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
WHO IS THAT? [ Giggling .]
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
COMING.
THE VIBRATOR! HUH? OH.
[ Ringing of doorbell .]
CATCH IT.
[ Buzzing of vibrator .]
[ Banging on door .]
TANNIS PHILLIP, WHAT A SURPRISE.
SHIT.
SHIT! THE AWARDS COMMITTEE IS IN CRISIS.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
HONEY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO'S HERE.
OH, TANNIS! PHILIP! WHAT A SURPRISE, HAVE A SEAT.
[ Clearing of throat .]
SO, YOU WERE SAYING WE HAVE A PROBLEM? [ Muffled buzzing of vibrator .]
HAVE YOU READ HOWARD BELLWEATHER'S ARTICLE? Phillip: IF OUR CORPORATE SPONSORS HEAR THAT WE'RE GIVING BRIAN KINNEY AN AWARD, THEY WILL CUT US OFF.
WE'LL LOSE OUR SUPPORT, OUR FUNDING [ Buzzing of vibrator .]
DO YOU HEAR A BUZZING? OH NO, I UH, THE BABY MONITOR'S ON THE FRITZ.
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S COMING FROM [ Buzzing .]
OH! GOD! Melanie: OH.
EUW! THERE IT IS.
Melanie: DID YOU KNOW, UM VIBRATION IN THE SOIL PRODUCES IONIZATION, WHICH IN TURN, STIMULATES GROWTH, CAUSING THE PETALS TO OPEN? IT'S THIS IS A COMPLETELY UNFAIR AND DISHONEST ATTACK.
JUSTIN TAYLOR'S A COLLEGE STUDENT.
UH THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS LEGAL, CONSENSUAL AND VERY LOVING.
BESIDES, THE AWARD IS FOR BRIAN'S COURAGE, NOT HIS SEXUAL CONDUCT.
TELL THAT TO OUR BENEFACTORS.
THE SCENT OF A SCANDAL COULD SEND THEM PACKING, ALONG WITH THEIR CLUTCH PURSES.
THAT IS WHY YOU TWO HAVE GOT TO GET KINNEY TO DECLINE IT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GET HIM TO ACCEPT IT? WELL THEN, IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM, SHOULD IT? OH.
HE STOOD ME UP.
Ted & Emmett: [ On telephone .]
No! HE PROMISED HE'D BE THERE.
I BOUGHT UBER-PASSES AND EVERYTHING.
WELL, I HATE TO SAY THIS, MICHAEL, BUT MAYBE YOU AND HE ARE DRIFTING APART.
HONEY, IT HAPPENS TO THE CLOSEST OF FRIENDS.
SO, HOW ABOUT COMING AHH WITH ME TO THE BELLWEATHER BOOK SIGNING? AFTER WHAT HE WROTE ABOUT BRIAN? BRIAN'S HARDLY A HERO.
GOD, TEDDY! WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A PRUDE? SINCE HE LOST HIS JOB, WHACKING OFF.
I'M NOT A PRUDE.
AND I WASN'T WHACK I-I JUST I I HAPPEN TO THINK HE MIGHT HAVE A POINT.
WELL, I DON'T THINK ANY OF US ARE IN A POSITION TO JUDGE, CONSIDERING SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE'VE DONE.
I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
OH, I COULD REMIND YOU OF A FEW.
OHH-HO GOTTA GO! YEP, ME TOO.
I'M IRONING MY BOSS' PANTS.
AREN'T YOU THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BARE-ASSED? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THEY PREFER ME TO KEEP MY CLOTHES ON.
ARE YOU SURE THEY'RE GAY? AH, NOT ONLY ARE THEY GAY, THEY'RE THE MOST DECENT PEOPLE I'VE EVER MET.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE BRIAN, IF YOU EVER DO, YOU CAN TELL HIM HE'S WRONG.
THOSE PEOPLE ON "GAY AS BLAZES" DO EXIST.
[ Spraying of starch .]
HEY.
OH! HUH, HI.
[ Chuckling .]
AH, BLAINE CALLED.
HE'S, UH, DOING SOME EXTRA PRO BONO WORK AT THE GAY HOMELESS SHELTER AND YOU'RE DUE AT THE GAY HARVARD GRADUATES' LUNCHEON.
[ Chuckling .]
I'LL HAVE THIS DONE IN A IN A JIFF.
YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB, EMMETT.
THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST, WELL SEEING YOU TWO HAS HAS REALLY IN- SPIRED ME TO, UH, T-TO STRIVE, TO ACHIEVE, TO BETTER MYSELF.
THAT'S A GREAT COMPLIMENT.
WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO, YOU LET ME KNOW.
OKAY.
OH, FOR PETE SAKE! [ Chuckling .]
LET ME.
OOPS! DROPPED YOUR TOWEL.
YEAH, DARN.
I KNOW.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET THAT FOR ME? I'M REALLY GRATEFUL.
I I SEE THAT.
OH OH SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
KEEP IT UP, SUNSHINE.
THE GOOD WORK, THAT IS.
[ Chuckling .]
ISN'T HE SOMETHING? MM, MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER.
MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER IS VALIUM.
HUH? IT'S A DRUG REFERENCE FROM A ROLLING STONES SONG.
I KNOW THE SONG, THANK YOU.
I WAS LISTENING TO IT BEFORE YOU WERE FUCKING BORN.
ANCIENT HISTORY.
[ Chuckling .]
OKAY, WHAT'D HE DO THIS TIME? WHO? "WHO".
IS THERE ANYONE ELSE? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AT THE COMIC CONVENTION AND I'M BITING MY TONGUE SO HARD I'M TASTING BLOOD.
SO JUST SAY IT, YOU WILL ANYWAY.
WHY MUST YOUR HAPPINESS ALWAYS DEPEND ON SOMEONE ELSE? FIRST BRIAN, THEN DAVID.
NOW BACK TO BRIAN.
YOU FINISHED? I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED.
IF YOU CAME BACK HERE 'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT BRIAN WAS MISSING YOU AS BAD AS YOU WERE MISSING HIM, YOU FUCKED UP BIG TIME.
THAT'S NOT WHY I CAME BACK.
HE HAS A LIFE OF HIS OWN.
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT YOU.
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE ME SAYING THIS I'M SURE OF THAT.
I THINK HE ACTUALLY MIGHT LOVE THIS KID.
AS MUCH AS HE CAN.
THAT DOESN'T MATTER.
WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.
AT LEAST I THOUGHT WE WERE.
THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO CHANGE.
WELL, ONE MINUTE I'M STARCHING HIS COLLAR, THE NEXT MINUTE I'M SUCKING HIS COCK.
SINGLE-HANDEDLY I-I'VE DESTROYED THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE.
I'M SCUM.
NO, I'M WORSE THAN SCUM.
UH, WHAT'S WORSE THAN SCUM? WE'VE ALL BEEN AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NOBODY DOES ANYTHING THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
THIS BLAIR SOUNDS LIKE NO ANGEL.
PFFT.
HE WAS.
NOW HE'S FALLEN.
OH, I'M I'M THE SNAKE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN, THAT'S WHAT I AM.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! NO, START BLAMING YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU COULD KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF SEX LONG ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
LIKE WHAT? LIKE GOING TO A MUSEUM.
OR READING A BOOK.
A BOOK? YEAH, IT'S GOT PAGES.
LITTLE WORDS ON IT.
YOU KNOW, COVER.
ALLEGEDLY IT IMPROVES THE MIND AND OH! HEY, HERE, THEY HAPPEN TO SELL THEM RIGHT HERE.
ANYBODY CARE TO JOIN ME? NO.
YOU KEEP YOUR HERO, I'LL STICK TO CAPTAIN ASTRO.
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO GO MAKE DINNER FOR BLAINE AND BLAIR.
HOW AM I GOING TO FACE THEM? WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY? DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
[ Sighing .]
OW.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
WANT TO GO BACK? NO.
SURE? YEAH.
LOOK, NO HANDS.
HEY! FUCKER.
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S JUST AN ACCIDENT.
DON'T LET IT THROW YOU.
THANK YOU.
MR.
BELLWEATHER, I AM SO, SO VALIDATED BY WHAT YOU WRITE.
YOU ARE A FONT OF INSPIRATION AND WISDOM.
HAH.
A FONT? WELL, HOW KIND.
AND YOU ARE? [ Nervous chuckle .]
I'M TED.
YEAH? UH, TED, UH, TED SCHMIDT.
UH, IT'S, UH, S-C-H-M Justin: SIGN THIS.
"TO BRIAN KINNEY, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES FOR WHAT I WROTE ABOUT YOU.
I'M A SUCKING SACK OF SHIT.
[ Gasps of surprise .]
LOVE AND LUCK, HOWIE.
" OH, GOD.
I TAKE IT YOU ARE HIS TEENAGE LOVER.
WELL.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET SUCH A BRIGHT, BRAVE YOUNG MAN.
IF ANYONE DESERVES AN AWARD FOR HEROISM, IT'S YOU.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO SAY THOSE THINGS.
ON THE CONTRARY, IT WAS MY OBLIGATION.
HE SAVED MY LIFE.
HE'S ALSO STOLEN PART OF IT.
YOUR INNOCENCE, YOUR YOUTH.
ONE DAY YOU'LL SEE HE'S HURT YOU AS MUCH AS YOUR ATTACKER.
All: [ Gasps of surprise .]
Justin: COME ON, BRIAN.
BY THE WAY I'M 30.
[ Grunt .]
[ Mixed chatter .]
[ Uneasy chuckle .]
THANK YOU, THAT'S GREAT.
Blaine: EMMETT? YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
TELL YOU WHAT? [ Rattling of chopping board .]
THAT YOU COULD COOK.
SMELLS FANTASTIC.
OH-H, IT'S JUST A LITTLESAUCE PIQUANTE.
FOR THE FISH.
HMM.
BLAIR'LL BE SORRY HE MISSED THIS.
HE'S, UH H-HE'S NOT HERE? IT'S HIS NIGHT TO READ TO THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED GAY SENIORS GROUP.
WELL, I'LL JUST, UH, I'LL JUST SET THE TABLE FOR ONE, THEN.
WHY DON'T YOU EAT WITH ME? I HATE DINING ALONE.
ALL RIGHT.
MIND IF I HAVE A TASTE? AH, HERE.
LET ME.
MMM.
OH! OH-HO.
GOT SOME ON YOUR PANTS.
BETTER BETTER GET THAT OUT BEFORE IT STAINS.
I'LL TAKE MY PANTS OFF.
NO-NO-NO! NO.
DON'T DO THAT.
YEAH, W-WE'LL JUST WE'LL JUST DO IT THIS WAY.
YOU KNOW, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE YOU NO-NO-NO-NO.
GO AHEAD.
YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
BUT YOU'D BETTER RUB HARDER.
YEAH, UH BEEN TO ANY MUSEUMS? [ Panting .]
READ ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY? OHH-H.
LOOK WHAT I'VE DONE.
FORGIVE ME, FATHER.
[ Moaning .]
CHATEAU FOUTRE, '90.
IT'S A VERY GOOD YEAR.
BLACK ANGUS.
SO BLUE IT MOOS.
[ Chiming of timer .]
Melanie: WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT'S FOR DESSERT.
DEATH BY CHOCOLATE.
IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY TO GO? AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER OH, YEAH.
[ Sighing .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
MAYBE THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN SEX.
[ Chuckle .]
FINE FOOD, FINE WINE, FINE CIGAR.
[ Pleased chuckles .]
WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'RE SO CYNICAL YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE A LITTLE TLC? [ Chuckling .]
FROM LESBIAN LUCY AND ETHEL? SPILL IT.
YOU KNOW THE AWARD FROM THE CENTRE? THE ONE YOU NEVER WANTED ANYWAY? WHAT ABOUT IT? WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
AH-HA.
I DON'T? WE EXPLAINED TO THEM THAT YOU DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH PUBLIC ATTENTION, SO THEY SAID ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY, "THANKS ANYWAY, BUT NO THANKS" AND THE WHOLE THING WILL JUST GO AWAY.
ISN'T THAT GREAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PREPARE A SPEECH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A TUX.
NOTHING! THAT'S GREAT.
YEAH.
WHAT'S THEREALREASON? COULD IT BE THEY READ HOWARD BELLWEATHER'S BULLSHIT AND NOW THEY'RE AFRAID THAT IF THEY HONOUR ME THEY'LL TARNISH THEIR SPOTLESS IMAGE? OR EVEN WORSE, LOSE THEIR PRECIOUS CORPORATE SPONSORS? AND NOW THEY WANT ME TO SPARE THEM THE EMBARRASSMENT.
[ Sigh .]
GUESS WHAT? I'M NOT DOING THEM ANY FAVOURS.
OH, COME ON, BRIAN.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT IT.
WE PRACTICALLY HAD TO FORCE-FEED IT TO YOU.
THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED WHAT AN HONOUR IT WOULD BE TO BE RECOGNIZED BY SUCH A FINE, UPSTAND- ING ORGANIZATION.
I'VE EVEN STARTED WORKING ON MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, IN FACT.
WANT TO HEAR IT? GOD! [ Clearing of throat .]
GREETINGS AND WELCOME ALL YOU SEXUALLY CHALLENGED, TRANSMOGRIFIED, BI-POLAR WHATEVER- THE-FUCK-YOU-AREs [ ?????? .]
HEY, BOYS! HI, HONEY.
HI, TEDDY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT I BELIEVE THESE SEATS ARE RESERVED FOR THE LIVING.
MA, DO YOU HAVE TO SIT HERE? WELL, I DON'T SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS "RESERVED FOR BRIAN".
I TOLD YOU.
I KNOW.
I KNOW YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE HANGING OUT IN GAY BARS WITH YOUR MOTHER.
BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.
IF YOU MEET SOMEBODY NICE, YOU WON'T HAVE TO BRING HIM HOME TO MEET ME, 'CAUSE I'M ALREADY HERE.
Debbie & Vic: [ Chuckling .]
I'M NOT MEETING ANYBODY.
OH.
WITH AN ATTITUDE LIKE THAT YOU SURE AS HELL WON'T.
YOU TWO STICK- IN-THE-MUDS HAVE GOT TO GO HAVE SOME FUN! COME ON.
GO DANCING, HUH? GO GET LAID.
WHAT KIND OF MINDLESS PALLIATIVE IS THAT FOR EXISTENTIAL ANGST? SAY WHAT? Vic: A DAMN GOOD ONE.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE YOU TURN AROUND, YOU GUYS'LL BE OUR AGE.
GOD, DON'T REMIND ME.
AND YOU'LL REGRET EVERY NIGHT YOU DIDN'T GO OUT AND GRAB A LITTLE LIFE.
NOT TO MENTION A LITTLE ASS.
Debbie & Vic: [ Chuckling .]
[ Sigh .]
WELL I DID SEE AN INVITATION ON HOTPITTS.
COM TO A B.
B.
PARTY.
I THOUGHT YOU SWORE OFF THE INTERNET.
IT WAS A SITE I FORGOT TO DELETE.
A B.
B.
PARTY? IT STANDS FOR BODY-BUILDERS.
Debbie: MM.
GOD, I JUST LOVE ROCK-HARD PECS AND RIPPLED ABS.
GOD, MOM, YOU ARE SUCH AFAG.
YEAH, IT PUTS THE REST OF US TO SHAME.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Men: [ Moaning .]
[ ?????? .]
OH, YEAH.
I'LL GET A DRINK FIRST, THANKS.
[ ?????? .]
Various: [ Grunts of exertion .]
[ ?????? .]
WHOA! HAH.
SOME PARTY, HUH? THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
THIS IS AN ORGY.
Ted: YEAH.
HI.
HI.
UH BOY, IF BRIAN ONLY KNEW WHAT HE WAS MISSING.
FUCK BRIAN.
[ ?????? .]
OH, MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? DON'T POINT.
THAT'S HOWARD BELLWEATHER.
Michael: HE DOESN'T HAVE A VERY GOOD BODY.
COURSE NOT, HE'S A WRITER.
THESE GUYS DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE BODY- BUILDERS TO ME.
Ted: THEY CERTAINLY ARE GETTING A WORK-OUT.
THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
SOMETHING'S MISSING.
HORS D'OEUVRES? CONDOMS.
NO ONE'S USING CONDOMS.
INCLUDING HOWARD BELLWEATHER.
SHH! [ ?????? .]
HOLY SHIT, I DON'T THINK B.
B.
STANDS FOR BODY-BUILDERS.
I THINK IT STANDS FOR BARE-BACKING.
[ ?????? .]
Tannis: [ Over P.
A.
.]
WE'RE NOT GIVING BRIAN KINNEY AN AWARD! HOW DO YOU TURN THIS FUCKING THING OFF? [ Squeal of feedback .]
OUR MISTAKE WAS SENDING COMMITTEE NEOPHYTES TO DO CO-CHAIR WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
FEMS.
IF KINNEY INSISTS ON ACCEPTING THE AWARD, WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO REFUSE TO GIVE IT TO HIM.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.
EXCUSE ME? HONEY, I IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY NOW, YOU'LL BE IN BREACH OF PROMISE AND HE'LL TAKE ACTION.
WHAT KIND OF ACTION? LEGAL ACTION.
ARE YOU SUGGEST- ING HE'D SUE? "NON-PROFIT" WILL TAKE ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING WHEN HE'S THROUGH WITH YOU.
IS THIS TRUE? IF HE WANTED TO, HE COULD DRAG US TO COURT.
BUT THAT WOULD BE FINAN- CIALLY RUINOUS, NOT TO MENTION THE HUMILIATION.
WE'D BE RUN OFF THE BOARD! AS YOUR COUNSEL, MY PROFESSIONAL ADVICE IS TO JUST GIVE HIM THE FUCKING AWARD.
WELL, YOU CAN CONGRATULATE MR.
KINNEY ON ADDING BLACKMAIL TO HIS LONG LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
Tannis: STRAIGHTEN THAT BANNER! BREACH OF PROMISE? WHERE'D THAT COME FROM? HEY, YOU FUCK A LAWYER, YOU PICK UP A FEW THINGS.
[ Chuckling .]
[ Clearing of throat .]
[ ?????? .]
Ted: THAT SMUG, SANCTIMONIOUS, HYPOCRITICAL WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS, JUDGING EVERY- BODY'S BEHAVIOUR? ESPECIALLY BRIAN'S.
TO THINK I JUST SPENT MAYBE HE'LL USE THE MONEY TO BUY RUBBERS.
IS THERE NO SUCH THING AS DECENCY LEFT? Emmett: THERE WAS.
ONCE UPON A TIME UNTIL I CAME ALONG.
DON'T TELL ME.
YOU DID THE OTHER ONE? I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF! WHAT ABOUT THEM? YOU SAID THEY WERE A HAPPILY COMMITTED COUPLE.
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.
OBVIOUSLY, UP AGAINST MY POWERS OF SEDUCTION, THEY DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
Emmett: I'M GONNA GO.
OH, HEY! IT'S JUST THE MAN I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
WANT TO DANCE? I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
COME ON.
I SAID I DON'T WANT TO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
AND IF YOU DID, YOU WOULDN'T CARE.
[ ?????? .]
Brian: FINE.
THE CONVENTION, ASSHOLE, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME! IS THAT ALL? YEAH, THAT'S ALL.
I'M SORRY, I GOT TIED UP.
ACTUALLY, HEDID.
SEE, I PICKED UP THIS COP I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
DOESN'T MATTER.
COME ON, MIKEY, IT'S A FUCKING COMIC BOOK CONVENTION, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
RIGHT.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
A BUNCH OF GEEKS WANDERING AROUND, SEARCHING FOR LOST PIECES OF THEIR CHILDHOOD.
IT'S PRETTY PATHETIC WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
ONLY THE REASON FOR GOING WASN'T TO FIND A "GREEN LANTERN" FROM 1982.
IT WAS FOR US TO BE TOGETHER THE WAY WE USED TO BE.
BEFORE I RAN OFF WITH DAVID, BEFORE BEFORE JUSTIN GOT HURT.
THE DYNAMIC DUO, REUNITED ONCE AGAIN.
BUT I GUESS THINGS DON'T WORK OUT THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW, THINGS GO FORWARD INSTEAD OF BACKWARDS, RIGHT? AND NOTHING STAYS THE SAME, SO DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF.
THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE THERE WITH ME AND THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO EXPECT YOU TO BE.
[ ?????? .]
I'M, UM, I-I'M VERY SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.
UH, I HOPE YOU WON'T BE ANGRY.
BUT, UM, I-I HAVE TO GIVE YOU MY NOTICE.
OH, EMMETT, NO! AREN'T YOU HAPPY HERE? HAVE WE DONE SOMETHING TO DISPLEASE YOU? OH, NO.
NO, NO.
IT'S IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S ME.
I'M UNWORTHY TO WORK FOR TWO SUCH FINE MEN.
YOU MUSTN'T SAY THAT.
NO ONE HAS EVER GIVEN US SERVICE QUITE LIKE YOU.
TST.
I WAS AFRAID YOU'D SAY THAT.
IN FACT, BLAIR HAS TOLD ME HIMSELF HOW HAPPY HE IS WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE.
HAVEN'T YOU, BLAIR? OH, YES.
AND BLAINE HAS DONE THE SAME.
HAVEN'T YOU, SWEETHEART? HMM.
WE'VE NEVER HAD A MORE CONGENIAL MENIAL.
HA [ Stammering .]
W-W-WAIT A MINUTE.
UM Y-YOU BOTH KNOW? OF COURSE.
BUT I I-I THOUGHT DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU WERE COMPLETE- LY MONOGAMOUS? WE ARE.
BUT WE CAN ALL USE A LITTLE HELP AROUND THE HOUSE.
NOW, WON'T YOU STAY? MM-HM.
[ Uneasy chuckle .]
YOU KNOW, I, UH, I I MAY BE A SLUT BUT AT LEAST I'M AN HONEST SLUT.
SO, UH, SO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT THE STARCH IN YOUR PANTS.
[ Rubbing of hands .]
[ Slapping of legs .]
RIGHT.
[ ?????? .]
?? GRAND PIANOS CRASH TOGETHER ?? ?? WHEN MY BOY WALKS DOWN THE STREET ?? ?? THERE ARE ALL NEW KINDS OF WEATHER ?? ?? WHEN HE WALKS WITH HIS NEW BEAT ?? COME ON, SONNY-BOY.
?? WHEN MY BOY WALKS DOWN THE STREET ?? ?? LIFE JUST KINDA DANCES THROUGH YA ?? ?? FROM YOUR SMILE DOWN TO YOUR FEET ?? ?? AMAZING ?? ?? HE'S A WHOLE NEW FORM OF LIFE ?? [ ?????? .]
I WASN'T SURE I COULD DO IT.
I WAS.
WHAT'S THAT FOR? YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE SEX IN PUBLIC PLACES.
THEN SUCK ME OFF.
RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.
WOW.
YOU ARE RECOVERING NICELY.
BAD AS NEW.
LOOK, ONE STEP AT A TIME.
FIRST, WE WALK BACK TO MY PLACE.
THEN I SUCK YOU OFF.
I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF.
YOU CAN GIVE YOURSELF HEAD? NO, I CAN WALK BACK WITHOUT A CHAPERONE.
YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO LOSE ME, ARE YOU? MM-HMM.
I'M SICK OF YOU ALWAYS FOL- LOWING ME AROUND.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE? YEAH, BUT NONE OF THEM ADORE ME AS MUCH YOU DO.
I CAN THINK OF ONE THAT DOES.
ANYWAY, YOU HAVE A BIG, IMPORTANT FUND- RAISER TO ATTEND.
MMM.
YOU MEAN A BORING, INSIGNIFICANT TIME- WASTER TO ENDURE.
YOU'RE A HERO.
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS.
THANK YOU FOR THE STANDING OVATION.
ALL RIGHT, HERE GOES.
LATER.
LATER.
Phillip: JUST A REMINDER THAT BIDDING FOR OUR SILENT AUCTION WILL BE CLOSING IN TEN MINUTES IT'S SO STUFFY IN HERE YOU NEED AN OXYGEN MASK.
JUST KEEP BREATHING.
WHERE THE HELL IS BRIAN? FASHIONABLY LATE.
HE BETTER GET HIS FASHIONABLE ASS HERE.
Tannis: OUR NEXT RECIPIENT IS A MAN WHOSE VOICE HAS BEEN A BEACON OF TRUTH IN AN OFTEN STORMY SEA OF MORAL UNCERTAINTY.
A MAN WHO HAS CHALLENGED US TO ACCOUNT FOR OUR BEHAVIOUR, WHO'S DEMANDED WE ACCEPT NOTHING LESS OF OURSELVES THAN DECENCY AND DIGNITY.
THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING GAY ADVOCATE AWARD GOES TO MR.
HOWARD Together: BELLWEATHER! [ Excited chuckle .]
[ Applause .]
YAY! [ Mouthing silently .]
HOW CAN WE COMPLAIN OF BEING STEREOTYPED, OF BEING MARGINALIZED, WHEN IT IS OFTEN MEMBERS OF OUR OWN COMMUNITY WHO, THROUGH THEIR IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR, PERPETUATE SUCH TREATMENT.
WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY.
AND SO WE MUST RAISE OURSELVES UP BY OUR MORAL [ Snoring .]
Bellweather: IN CONCLUSION DID HE SAY "CONCLUSION"? SHH! Bellweather: IT IS UP TO US TO CHANGE THE MISPERCEPTION THAT GAY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SEX.
Man: HEAR, HEAR.
Bellweather: THIS IS THE GAUNTLET I THROW DOWN TO YOU [ Snorting .]
TO PROVE WE ARE THE CONCERNED, COMMITTED CITIZENS WE, IN TRUTH, ARE.
THANK YOU.
[ Excited chuckle .]
Phillip: YAY! [ Applause .]
I STILL BELIEVE IN WHAT HE SAYS EVEN IF I DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM.
[ Applause .]
WOW.
OUR NEXT RECIPIENT'S NAME BECAME SYNONYMOUS WITH COURAGE WHEN HE INTERVENED IN A VICIOUS GAY- BASHING INCIDENT, SAVING THE YOUNG VICTIM'S LIFE.
HE'S A INSPIRATION TO US ALL.
THIS YEAR'S OUTSTANDING GAY HERO AWARD GOES TO BRIAN KINNEY.
[ Wild cheers .]
YES! [ Applause .]
WHOO-HOO-HOO! [ Whispering .]
WELL, STOP STANDING THERE AND DO SOMETHING.
Phillip: IS, UH, BRIAN KINNEY WITH US TONIGHT? I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T SHOW.
IF ONLY TO TELL THE CROWD WHERE TO STICK IT.
AND HOW HIGH.
I THINK HE GOT HIS MESSAGE ACROSS.
LOUD AND CLEAR.
[ ?????? .]
WOW, "THE INVINCIBLE IRON MAN" NUMBER 49.
THIS IS SO AMAZING.
$500.
00? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING? BUY IT.
IT'S A STEAL.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SOMEWHERE, WINNING SOME AWARD? HERO OF THE YEAR? YOU WANT A HERO? BUY A COMIC BOOK.
[ ?????? .]
WHY AREN'T YOU ACCEPTING YOUR AWARD? NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT.
WE HAD A DATE.
Woman: [ Over P.
A.
.]
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
COMICON WILL BE CLOSING IN 15 MINUTES.
YOU BARELY MADE IT.
[ ?????? .]
LOOK, I MEANT WHAT I SAID.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED, WE'VE MOVED ON AND IT'S OKAY.
NO DEMANDS, NO EXPECTATIONS, NO REGRETS.
[ Sigh .]
WELL, AS LONG AS I'M HERE, WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A GOOD TIME.
[ ?????? .]
HEY.
LET'S GET A PICTURE.
THAT'S FOR KIDS.
COME ON, MIKEY.
IT'S STUPID.
IT WASN'T STUPID WHEN WE USED TO LOCK OURSELVES UP IN YOUR ROOM READING "CAPTAIN ASTRO AND GALAXY LAD" WISHING WE WERE INVINCIBLE LIKE THEM.
AND PRETENDING THAT NO EARTHLY FORCE COULD EVER SEPARATE US, LIKE THEM.
AND SWEARING THAT WE'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.
LIKE THEM.
YOU REMEMBER THAT? [ ?????? .]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OUT ON THE STREETS ANY MORE, TRAVIS.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIVING HERE WITH US.
YOU'RE SO KIND.
I DIDN'T KNOW GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU EXISTED.
WE'RE NOT ALL SEXUAL PREDATORS.
IN FACT, THE ONLY THING WE LIKE BOUND IN LEATHER IS A GOOD 19th CENTURY NOVEL.
HUH.
HAVE YOU READ JANE AUSTEN? NO.
Bruce: [ On TV .]
IT'S BETTER THAN SEX.
Travis: OH.
BLAZE THIS.
[ Gunshot .]
[ Blowing of smoke .]
?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ?? ?? ALL THE HEROES ?? ?? ALL THE SHAKESPEARE ROLES ?? ?? THEY WATCH THEIR OWN, MAN ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? CLOSED CAPTIONED BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS ?? TO THE HEROES ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? [ ?????? .]
?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ?? ?? ALL THE HEROES ?? ?? ALL THE SHAKESPEARE ROLES ?? ?? THEY WATCH THEIR OWN, MAN ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? ?? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HEROES ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? ?? NO MORE HEROES ANYMORE ?? [ ?????? .]