Roseanne s02e03 Episode Script

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[LAUGHS.]
EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! DARLENE, KNOCK IT OFF.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
THIS IS ROSEANNE AT THE MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.
MOM'S TRYING TO WORK! SO.
I WORKED TODAY, TOO.
SHH! DON'T SHUSH ME.
D.
J.
, DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU.
THAN WHAT YOU FIND AT THE NEWSSTANDS.
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
OH! I'M NOT INTERESTED EITHER, BUT IT'S MY JOB.
DARLENE, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? I'M HUNGRY.
WELL, DINNER AIN'T READY YET.
I'M HUNGRY NOW.
WELL, HERE.
START ON THIS.
I HEAR FLEECE IS VERY HIGH IN FIBER.
MOMMY, DIAL THE NEXT NUMBER? HIT IT, PARTNER.
DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY DAY? NO.
GOOD PARENTING.
WHERE ARE THE COOKIES? PROBABLY UNDER YOUR BED.
OH, YEAH.
HELLO.
MY MOM WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
THIS IS MAGAZINE AT THE ROSE-- HEY, BABE, HOW'S IT GOING? DEATH.
DEATH.
HANG IN THERE.
HEY, I MAY NOT HAVE TO.
REMEMBER VONDA'S HUSBAND? YEAH, SURE.
PAUL.
PHIL.
HE WORKS OVER THERE AT, UH GARVIN MEAT PACKING PLANT, AND HE GOT ME AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB TOMORROW.
YEAH? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PACKING MEAT? WELL, I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH A RUMP ROAST FOR 15 YEARS.
BE SURE TO PUT THAT ON YOUR RESUME.
YEAH, SO THEY NEED SOMEBODY TO START RIGHT AWAY, SO I'M GONNA GO MEET WITH THE MANAGER TOMORROW.
GREAT.
HEY, GET THIS.
I ACTUALLY HAD TO TURN DOWN A JOB TODAY.
YOU BELIEVE IT? GEE, DAN, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY.
I'M SERIOUS.
THE DRIVEWAY JOB OVER AT OLD OAKS? WE'RE TOO BUSY.
YOU'RE JUST A REGULAR BIG SHOT.
YEAH.
WHAT'S FOR SUPPER? [POUNDS ON TABLE.]
OH, MY GOD.
UNCOOKED MEAT.
OOH, AND I WAS JUST WORMED.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT ANYMORE.
YEAH, I KNOW, BABE.
YOU KNOW IT JUST MIGHT BE TIME TO SEND YOU DOWN TO THE MINORS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO.
HEY, BECKERS, WHAT'S UP? BECKY WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE CAN GO OVER TO DIANE'S AFTER SCHOOL.
IT IS AFTER SCHOOL.
WHERE IS SHE NOW? WHERE ARE YOU NOW? DIANE'S.
HEY, BECKY, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE STORE FOR ME AFTER SCHOOL TODAY.
YEAH, I WAS ON THE PHONE ALL DAY.
WELL, YOU WANT YOUR OWN PHONE, YOU GOTTA BUY YOUR OWN HOUSE.
YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL EAT OVER AT DIANE'S.
CALL US WHEN YOU'RE DONE.
WE'LL PICK YOU UP.
HAVE FUN.
BYE.
WHO WANTS TO HAVE DINNER AT WAGON TRAIN? YEAH, DADDY! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE DINNER AT WAGON TRAIN?! YOU BET WE ARE.
SADDLE UP, PARD.
WHY ARE WE GOING OUT? IS THE CAN OPENER BROKEN? HA HA.
NO FOOLING YOU YOUNG'UNS.
I'M GOING TO RIDE SHOTGUN.
SO ANYWAY, VONDA'S HUSBAND'S BEEN WORKING THERE FOR 8 YEARS, YOU KNOW, AND THEY LIVE PRETTY DAMN WELL.
I MEAN, HE STARTED OFF ON THE LOADING DOCK, AND ALREADY HE'S A FOREMAN YOU KNOW AHEM.
SO THEY REALLY TAKE CARE OF THEIR OWN.
AS OPPOSED TO WELLMAN, WHERE WE START OFF ON THE LOADING DOCK AND END UP IN THE PARKING LOT.
SIT STILL.
AND VONDA SAYS THAT THEY'RE REALLY NICE.
THEY'RE ALWAYS HAVING, LIKE, COMPANY PICNICS AND JUNK LIKE THAT.
WE NEVER DID NOTHING LIKE THAT AT WELLMAN.
DID VONDA TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU'RE INTERVIEWING FOR? WELL, ALL I KNOW IS I'LL HAVE MY OWN CHAIR.
OK.
DO THIS.
SHAKE YOUR HEAD.
OK.
NOW DO THIS.
I HOPE THE INTERVIEW AIN'T THIS HARD.
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO WOW 'EM, SIS.
OH, THEY'RE NOT GOING TO HIRE ME.
THEY'RE GONNA HIRE SOME LITTLE CHICKEE WITH A TIGHT SKIRT AND A LOOSE EVERYTHING ELSE.
STOP.
I'M GONNA BE SELLING MAGAZINES 'TIL THEY PUT ME IN MY GRAVE.
I'M GONNA BE CREMATED WITH BACK ISSUES OF FIELD AND STREAM.
YOU WANT TO GET CREMATED, TOO? I DON'T KNOW! DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT NOW? CAN I JUST GET A MINUTE? YEAH.
OK.
ROSEANNE, YOU'RE MAKING TOO BIG OF A DEAL OUT OF IT.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
IT'S JUST A JOB.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I GO ON AN INTERVIEW, I DON'T GET DRESSED UP ON PURPOSE.
IT JUST MAKES YOU MORE NERVOUS, THEN YOU START TO SWEAT THEN YOU START WORRYING THAT YOU'RE SWEATING TOO MUCH, SO YOU SIT THERE REAL STIFF 'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID IF YOU LIFT YOUR ARMS, YOU'LL HAVE THESE GREAT BIG PIT STAINS.
AND THEN YOU GET THAT ACID FEELING IN YOUR STOMACH, LIKE IF YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO TALK, YOU'RE GONNA BELCH.
WHENEVER I GO ON AN INTERVIEW, I JUST GO AS ME.
WELL, THAT'S WHY YOU WORK IN A BAR.
JACKIE! [TURNS TV ON.]
JACKIE, YOU'RE BLOCKING ME.
IN WHAT SENSE? IN A PLYMOUTH SENSE.
OH, SORRY.
I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME? OH, WE POURED THAT DRIVEWAY, KNOCKED OFF EARLY.
OH, HEY, I GOT THAT OLD OAKS JOB.
I SUBCONTRACTED IT.
OH, THAT'S GREAT, DAN.
WELL, WISH ME LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.
WHERE YOU GOING? WHAT? WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH ME AND NOT KNOW WHERE I'M GOING? NOW, DIDN'T WE LAY IN BED FOR TWO HOURS LAST NIGHT TALKING ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT THIS WAS? AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" FORGIVE ME.
I'M THE WORST HUSBAND WHO EVER LIVED.
WELL, ENOUGH ABOUT YOU.
NOW, HOW DO I LOOK? YOU LOOK FINE.
COULD YOU MAYBE BE A LITTLE BIT MORE SPECIFIC, DAN? I MEAN, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
YOU LOOK EXTREMELY FINE.
WOULD YOU HIRE ME IN THIS? IF I WASN'T MARRIED, I'D HIRE YOU IN A MINUTE.
SO I LOOK CHEAP, RIGHT? HELL, NO.
I'M TALKING TOP DOLLAR.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
ONE SECOND! AAH! DON'T FLATTEN IT! IT TOOK ME AND JACKIE AN HOUR TO GET IT LIKE THIS! ROSEANNE, WILL YOU RELAX? EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
AND EVEN IF THINGS DON'T TURN OUT, REMEMBER, YOU'RE STILL A 50-50 PARTNER AT FOUR ACES CONSTRUCTION, AND I HAVE A FEELING SOME OF THEM DIVIDENDS ARE ABOUT TO PAY OFF.
KNOCK IT OFF.
I GOTTA GO.
IN THAT OUTFIT? IT'S OK.
IT'S A JOKE.
WHAT IF THEY GIVE ME A TYPING TEST? YOU KNOW HOW TO TYPE.
BUT I'M REALLY SLOW.
HOW TOUGH COULD IT BE? THEY'RE SHORT WORDS.
STEAK, MEAT, PRIME, CHUCK.
PORTERHOUSE.
THAT'D BE CRUEL.
ROSEANNE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M READY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR? IT LOOKS A LOT BETTER.
DO YOU CARE IF I JUST DRIVE MYSELF? NO, HOW EVER YOU'RE COMFORTABLE.
WATCH MY FRONT DOOR.
THANKS.
KNOCK 'EM DEAD, MY LITTLE LONDON BROIL.
COME ON IN.
HI.
I'M MURIEL JOHNSON.
SIT THERE, PLEASE.
SORRY IT'S SO STUFFY IN HERE.
THEY TURN OFF THE AIR CONDITIONING ON THE WEEKEND.
OH, I'M FINE.
WELL, I'M NOT.
I HAD OTHER THINGS TO DO TODAY.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST HIRE ME, AND WE'LL SKIP THE INTERVIEW.
[DRYLY.]
HA HA HA.
WELL, UH IF YOU WANT MY OPINION, YOU'RE HERE FOR A POSITION THAT DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE FILLED.
WELL, GREAT.
THEN THE PRESSURE'S OFF.
OH, NO PRESSURE.
I LIKE YOU ALREADY.
YOU DROVE DOWN AN ALLEY THAT'S FORBIDDEN TO CARS, AND YOU PARKED IN THE FIRE LANE.
THE POINT IS, YOU GOT HERE ON TIME.
YOU KNOW HOW TO GET THINGS DONE.
WELL, I'M GLAD I IMPRESSED YOU.
LOOK, ARE THEY GONNA BE NEEDING SOMEBODY? OH, NOT THEYME.
THEY'RE OFF PLAYING GOLF OR DOING WHATEVER, BUT I'M HERE AS USUAL, RUNNING THEIR SHOW.
WELL, CAN I JUST ASK YOU WHAT POSITION THEY NEED YOU TO HIRE SOMEONE TO FILL? SECRETARY TO MR.
IVAN PITVORIS.
THE MAN DOESN'T EVEN NEED A SECRETARY.
HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT JOB.
YOU EVER THINK YOU MIGHT BE WORKING FOR A MAN NAMED PITVORIS? WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU THE NAME I HAD FOR MY LAST BOSS.
BEING AS YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED, I IMAGINE IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL, I QUIT THAT JOB.
I'VE NEVER BEEN FIRED FROM ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.
PHIL GREEN SEEMS TO THINK THE WORLD OF YOU.
YEAH.
PHIL'S GREAT.
PHIL'S LUCKY.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, THAT MAN WOULD STILL BE ON THE LOADING DOCK.
WELL, HE SURE LOVES WORKING HERE.
I MEAN, HE GOES ON AND ON ABOUT WHAT A GREAT PLACE THIS IS TO WORK, REALLY.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT PHIL GREEN.
HE'S SMOOTHER THAN A NEWBORN BABY'S BUTT.
AND THAT WIFE OF HIS.
SHE'S SO PERKY, I'D LIKE TO DRIVE A NAIL THROUGH HER HEAD.
WELL, I SEE WHY YOU'RE IN PERSONNEL.
DID I OFFEND YOU? WELL, VONDA'S MY FRIEND.
I DIDN'T SAY I DIDN'T LIKE HER.
OH, I MUST HAVE TAKEN THAT NAIL THROUGH THE HEAD THING THE WRONG WAY.
YOU'VE GOT QUITE AN ATTITUDE.
YEAH.
YEAH, I GUESS I DO.
GOOD.
I LIKE ATTITUDES.
SIT DOWN.
WHAT FOR? I MEAN I'M HERE INTERVIEWING FOR A JOB THAT DOESN'T EXIST, AND I GET RECOMMENDED BY SOMEBODY YOU HATE.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA HIRE ME.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT IN PERSONNEL.
YOU CAN'T READ PEOPLE.
WELL, I CAN READ YOU, AND YOU'RE NUTS.
AND YOU'RE A LOUSY INTERVIEW.
YEAH, BUT I'M A HELL OF A WORKER.
THAT'S WHY I'M HIRING YOU.
EXCUSE ME? YOU HEARD ME.
REALLY? REALLY.
CAN YOU START MONDAY? MURIEL I LOVE YOU.
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE? SURE.
HELP YOURSELF.
I'LL GO GET YOUR PAPERWORK.
YOU GOT IT? FOR SURE? AW, BABE, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
NO, NO, TAKE YOUR TIME.
YEAH, BABY.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
BYE-BYE.
JACKIE? YEAH? WHAT'S GOING ON? ROSEANNE GOT THE JOB.
SHE GOT THE JOB! SHE GOT THE JOB! WHAT'S GOING ON? YOUR MOM GOT THE JOB.
WHAT JOB? THE JOB AT WHERE SHE WENT FOR THE INTERVIEW.
THE PERSONNEL DIRECTOR IS SHOWING HER AROUND NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU MOM REALLY HAPPY WHEN SHE HE GETS BACK? A TEMPLE IN HER HONOR.
BESIDES--BESIDES THAT.
THIS PLACE IS A MESS, RIGHT? BINGO.
I'LL GET DARLENE.
IS ROSEANNE EXCITED? NOT HALF AS EXCITED AS I AM.
BUT SHE REALLY NEEDED THIS JOB.
OH, YOU'RE TELLING ME.
WE GOTTA CELEBRATE.
DEFINITELY.
I'LL GET CRYSTAL ON THE PHONE.
I'LL LET HER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
WE GOT 30 MINUTES TO GET THIS HOUSE PRESENTABLE.
RUB A LAMP.
YOUR MOM GOT THAT JOB.
AWESOME! DOES THAT MEAN SHE NOT GONNA BE ANNOYING PEOPLE ON THE PHONE ANYMORE FOR A LIVING? HER TELEPHONE SALES DAYS ARE OVER.
D.
J.
: YAY! NOW LET'S GET TO IT.
AND REMEMBER, WE'RE JUST LOOKING FOR THE ILLUSION OF CLEAN.
I SHOULD GET VONDA ON THE PHONE, TOO.
AND I'LL CALL SYLVIA.
WE'LL GET A WHOLE PARTY TOGETHER.
I SHOULD GO TO THE STORE.
I DON'T THINK DRIED LENTILS WILL CUT IT.
CRYSTAL? HI, IT'S JACKIE.
ARE YOU SITTING DOWN? NO, NO, CRYSTAL, DON'T GO GET A CHAIR.
ROSEANNE, I NEED YOU TO FILL OUT THESE 3 FORMS.
YOU CAN TAKE THE YELLOW BOOKLET HOME WITH YOU.
IT EXPLAINS YOUR HEALTH BENEFITS, INSURANCE, AND ALL THAT OTHER GOOD STUFF.
GREAT.
THANKS, MURIEL.
UH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME IN A LITTLE EARLY ON MONDAY, JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH THE COMPUTER.
OH, LOOK, A MICROWAVE WITH ITS OWN ORGAN.
YES.
WE USE THE TANGERINE 3.
IT CAN DO ANYTHING.
WELL, GOOD.
MAYBE IT CAN TEACH ME HOW TO USE A COMPUTER.
YOU MEAN, YOU NEVER WORKED ON A COMPUTER AT WELLMAN? I WORKED ON MY FEET AT WELLMAN.
BUT I CAN LEARN.
NOT IN ONE DAY YOU CAN'T.
I'LL COME IN EARLY AND I'LL STAY REALLY LATE.
ROSEANNE, EVERYTHING WE DO HERE IS ON A COMPUTER.
I NEED SOMEBODY TO START ON MONDAY.
I MEAN, OUR WHOLE INVENTORY IS COMPUTERIZED.
OUR SALES, OUR SHIPPING.
DAMN, AND I SENT EVERYBODY HOME.
I'M SORRY.
I SUPPOSE SEVERANCE PAY IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.
HERE SHE COMES.
WHOA! OH! WE SHOULD ALL HIDE AND JUMP OUT AND YELL, "SURPRISE!" I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.
Jackie: GO FOR IT.
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ONLY ONE.
HEY, VONDA AND PHIL, WILL YOU DO IT, TOO? SURE, WE'LL DO IT.
HOW ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE? DAN? DAN? YOU HAVE MY WORD.
YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE A SIGNAL? HOW ABOUT, UH, WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR? PERFECT.
WHAT'S TAKING HER SO LONG? SHE CAN'T GET YOUR CAR DOOR CLOSED.
NOW SHE'S GOT IT.
NOW SHE'S KICKING HELL OUT OF YOUR CAR.
WHAT?! OH! HERE SHE COMES.
EVERYBODY GET READY.
DARLENE! DARLENE! TURN OFF THE TV! GET THE LIGHTS! GO! NO, DAN! VONDA, YOU AND PHIL ARE DOING IT WITH ME, RIGHT?.
SHH! SURPRISE! HI, CRYSTAL.
HIP HIP! HOORAY! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY! HOORAY! CONGRATULATIONS, BABE! OH, WE GOT TO TALK.
IN HONOR OF YOUR NEW JOB, YOUR TELEPHONE MAGAZINE SALES BOOK.
I WISH YOU HADN'T DONE THAT, DAN.
HA HA! NICE GOING, SIS.
All: ROSIE! ROSIE! ROSIE! ROSIE! ROSIE! I HOPE I NEVER GET OLD.
YOU ALREADY ARE.
All: ROSIE! ROSIE! OK, OK, OK.
I WANNA MAKE A SPEECH.
THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.
ROSIE, I JUST WANNA SAY THAT IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T HAVE NEVER QUIT WELLMAN.
BUT NOW ME AND EMILIO, WE HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE BUSINESS, AND WE'RE ALL DOING GREAT.
AND WE OWE IT ALL TO YOU.
I ONLY WISH THERE WAS A WAY FOR US TO THANK YOU.
WELL, MAYBE PUTTING ME ON THE PAYROLL MIGHT BE A NICE GESTURE.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
JUANITA, HE'S DOING IT AGAIN.
BABY, YOU'RE A REAL HERO.
I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB? ROSEANNE, YOU WANT A BEER? NOT NOW, CRYSTAL.
I MEAN I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
YOU OUGHT TO BE USED TO HEARING THAT BY NOW.
SO, YOU WANT ME TO GET THE BARBECUE STARTED, PUT ON HAMBURGERS, HOT DOGS? NO.
NO.
IS SOMETHING WRONG? I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
WHAT HAPPENED? OH, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
PHIL, I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IN A GOOD WORD.
TOO BAD I'LL BE IN THE WAREHOUSE.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE THAT MUCH OF YOU.
DID MURIEL SAY WHEN YOUR LUNCH HOUR IS? OH, I THINK IT'S PRETTY FLEXIBLE.
YOU KNOW, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR PHIL PUTTING IN A GOOD WORD WITH MR.
GARVIN, MURIEL WOULD STILL BE ON THE LOADING DOCK WHERE SHE BELONGS.
OH, NOT NOW, JACKIE.
SO YOU DIDN'T GET THIS JOB.
THE RIGHT JOB WILL COME ALONG.
THIS WAS THE RIGHT JOB.
WELL, THEN YOU'LL GET ANOTHER JOB.
NO, I WANTED THIS JOB.
ROSEANNE, YOU BEING OUT OF WORK RIGHT NOW IS NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.
MOM, DO WE HAVE ANY MORE CHIPS? THEY'RE IN THE CUPBOARD.
WHICH CUPBOARD? THE ONE WITH THE CHIPS.
LOOK, MY BEING OUT OF WORK RIGHT NOW IS A BIG DEAL, DAN.
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR 4 MONTHS.
ROSEANNE, YOU GOT A MINUTE? YOU KNOW, I READ YOUR HOROSCOPE TODAY-- NOT NOW, CRYSTAL.
JOE, YOU REMEMBER ROSIE.
SURE.
HOW YOU DOING, ROSIE? HI, JOE.
WHERE'S THE CAKE? I'LL GO CHECK.
SO TELL ME, HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY, ROSIE? JOE, I'M 35 TODAY.
AH I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T BRING A GIFT.
THAT'S OK, JOE.
I APPRECIATE YOU COMING.
ROSEANNE YOU WANT ME TO GET RID OF ALL THESE PEOPLE? I COULD DO THAT.
ROSEANNE, I JUST HEARD.
YOU KNOW, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, I WOULD-- HOLD ON THERE, CRYSTAL.
I'M SORRY.
BUT I WOULDN'T BE MY OWN BOSS WITH MY OWN HOURS, AND THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM MAKING MY CUSTOMERS FEEL MORE BEAUTIFUL AND CONFIDENT WITH THEIR CINDY-LOU COSMETICS.
AND I OWE IT ALL TO YOU, ROSEANNE.
WELL, YOU'VE MADE ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE, CRYSTAL, AND I THANK YOU.
OH! ARE YOU GOING TO BE OK? I THINK SO.
BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, ROSEANNE.
WHY WON'T ANYONE HIRE YOU? DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME UP, CRYSTAL.
ROSEANNE, WE GOT TO GO, BUT I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU ONE MORE TIME FOR GETTING ALL OF US OUT OF THAT HELLHOLE.
QUITTING WELLMAN WAS THE BEST THING YOU EVER DID.
THANKS, VONDA.
Dan: BYE, VONDA.
CONGRATULATING ME, TELLING ME QUITTING MY JOB WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID.
IT WAS THE STUPIDEST THING I EVER DID.
HOW COULD I DO THAT? HOW COULD I QUIT MY JOB? I'VE GOT 3 KIDS.
AND SOME GUY GIVES ME A LITTLE LIP, AND I TOSSED IT ALL.
I TOSSED MY PAYCHECK, MY BENEFITS.
I TOSSED MY PENSION.
I LET HIM BEAT ME.
HE DIDN'T BEAT YOU.
HE DID BEAT ME, DAN, AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE HE HAS A JOB AND YOU'VE GOT A JOB, AND JACKIE'S GOT A JOB, VONDA'S GOT A JOB, AND HELL, EVEN CRYSTAL HAS A JOB.
WHAT DO I GOT? I GOT ZIP! IT'S OK, BABY.
LEAVE IT OPEN.
THAT'S IT, DAN.
JUST GO AHEAD AND MAKE A JOKE.
"ROSEANNE CAN'T FIND A JOB.
HA HA HA!" WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO AGAIN, DAN? I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO QUIT YOUR JOB.
THE HELL YOU DIDN'T.
THE HELL I DID! I TOLD YOU IF YOU WANTED TO QUIT YOUR JOB, YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD AND QUIT YOUR JOB.
I WAS TRYING TO SUPPORT YOU.
HA HA.
YOU TOLD ME TO QUIT MY JOB, AND NOW YOU RESENT ME BECAUSE I DID! BULL.
BULL.
BULL.
YOU'RE ALL THE TIME PICKING AT ME AND MAKING LITTLE CRACKS! WE ALWAYS MAKE LITTLE CRACKS! WE ALWAYS MAKE LITTLE JOKES.
THAT'S HOW WE ARE.
THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG SO WELL! OH, WELL, IT'S JUST SO EASY FOR YOU TO MAKE JOKES WHEN I'M THE ONE THAT'S OUT OF WORK AND EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT FOR YOU.
I'M NOT MAD AT YOU FOR QUITTING YOUR JOB.
YOU'RE MAD AT YOU FOR QUITTING YOUR JOB.
I'M MAD AT ME FOR QUITTING MY JOB? AND YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME BECAUSE YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY LET YOU DOWN, AND I'M SICK OF IT! SO I QUIT! AND YOU THINK I'M MAD BECAUSE I QUIT?! YEAH, I'M MAD THAT I QUIT-- AND WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO? I'M SORRY.
I DID LET MY FAMILY DOWN, AND YOU KNOW IT AND I KNOW IT.
[SIGHS.]
THAT HURTS.
IT HURTS REAL BAD, DAN.
HEY.
WHAT? GET A JOB.
[LAUGHS.]
WHERE'S MY HISTORY BOOK? IT'S UNDERNEATH THE KING'S NEWSPAPER.
DARLENE, GET IT DOWN HERE! BYE, MOM.
BYE, DAD.
HEY, I GOT ONE MORE PANCAKE.
I WANT FRENCH TOAST.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER MOVE TO EUROPE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR BREAKFAST? I'LL EAT IT ON THE BUS.
I'M GONE.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BABY.
HEY, YOU FORGOT SOMETHING.
[CHUCKLES.]
I MEANT YOUR LUNCH.
BYE.
BYE, MOM.
GOOD MORNING.
THIS IS ROSEANNE FROM THE MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE, AND SINCE YOU'RE A PREFERRED CUSTOMER CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL