Rules of Engagement s02e03 Episode Script

Well, that is it.
It's not my apartment, it is officially ours.
The closet and drawers are all divvied up.
Mm-hm.
And I think the 80/20 split is very fair.
Uh, you Me.
When you proposed, you knew I was a girl.
Oh, yes, I did.
One of the things I love most about you.
Mm, mm.
Hey, why don't you put the clothes you're wearing into one of your drawers? Oh, and why don't you put the clothes you're wearing into one of your drawers? Because my drawers are in the kitchen.
But- But maybe we could use this shelf if we find somewhere else to put this.
Oh, I forgot I had that.
My dad gave it to me.
He wanted me to document my valuables.
But this is, uh, interesting.
How so? Well, we were gonna, you know, and then you found this video camera.
You want to document our valuables before we do it? No.
Oh, I get it.
I mean, you really want to videotape us? I don't know.
What do you think? I- I think lights, camera, sexy action, you know? This will be great because I can watch it when you're not here.
Adam Rhodes, I did not know you were such a dirty little perv.
Ooh, surprise.
Okay, but I don't want anyone to know that we did this.
Of course.
Unless some funny blooper happens, then we send it to thathome videosshow.
Yeah, I mean 10 grand is 10 grand.
Good.
And now I won't have to imagine you doing those provocative yoga poses.
You imagine me doing yoga? Oh, yeah, honey.
You, stretching, black spandex, like a cat.
Meow.
Like a silent cat.
All right, press record and get in bed.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Yeah, I heard what the German and the fed said but I don't think we have to overreact.
Look, I'd love to, uh, discuss your portfolio with you for another hour, but I'm just stepping into a meeting.
Uh, my secretary just opened a beer can.
There goes, uh, her 30-day chip.
So I gotta go.
All right, bye.
Oh, hey, hon.
We're out of those pretzel nuggets with the peanut butter inside.
Oh.
So annoying.
Tell me about it.
I stick my hand in the bag Nothing but nugget dust.
I'm sensing your irritation is not nugget-related.
What's the matter? It's- It's nothing.
Just forget it.
Forget it.
Ten years ago, I would've fallen into that trap.
Come on, bend my ear.
Okay, when you say "hi" to someone in an elevator, how should a normal person respond? Oh, the woman with the purple hat? Again.
I say "hi" to her, I get nothing back.
You know, last week I even held the elevator door so she could make it on.
Still, silence.
Look, maybe she's deaf.
She's not deaf.
She's just rude.
You can be both.
In college I had this really obnoxious blind friend.
Look, why do you care if a stranger talks to you anyway? I don't even care if people I like talk to me.
Well, I'm not you.
I'm glad you're not.
If you were, that would make me gay for myself.
Right? Look, I know it's stupid and it shouldn't bother me, but it does.
And that bothers me.
All right, you want me to talk to her? I'll talk to her.
Boom, problem solved.
No, no boom.
No, I don't want you to talk to her.
Ah.
Then what do you want me to do? Nothing, I- You know how I always tell you I don't need you to fix everything? This is one of those times, okay? I just need you to listen and understand.
I don't understand.
After 12 years of marriage, I would think you would get it by now.
I would think by now you would get that I don't get it.
You know, Dian Fossey had an easier time communicating with apes.
I'm sure Dian Fossey didn't complain to the apes that the villagers didn't say "hi" to her.
You know, I am so glad I shared with you.
Give me another chance.
Give me another chance to listen and understand.
Go ahead, bitch about something else.
Ha-ha-ha.
Wow.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Purple-hat lady is no longer the most annoying person of my day.
I hear you and I understand.
Hey, I found you.
Where's my pot of gold? OS.
That's text talk for "one second.
" Oh, yeah.
She liked that one.
Who is she and what are you doing? Uh, this is text dating.
It's when you text a woman, then you decide who you want to meet face to face.
Isn't it easier to meet a woman the old-fashioned way? Oh, conk them over the head with a club and drag back to cave? How well do you think you'll text with that thing lodged in your colon? Well, it's got Bluetooth, so it gets reception anywhere.
I'm liking this one.
She's smart.
She laughing at all me jokes.
laugh out loud.
Dude, this thing is great.
When I'm getting to know a girl she can't see me yawning.
Maybe I should get Audrey one of those.
Ooh, trouble in scare-adise? Yeah, she's mad at some woman in the building.
I wanted to help fix things, she didn't want me to.
When she's upset, I gotta do something.
You want my advice? I already know how to download porn.
Here's what you do: When Audrey gets mad at you about something, you get even madder about that same something.
Why? Because it disarms her, turns the tabes, then suddenly she has to calm you down.
Food for thought.
Well Now food for belly.
Oh, no, she's getting nasty.
A little privacy, sir.
Oh.
Okay.
Time for the world premiere of our sexy sex tape.
Oh.
And I have a feeling there's gonna be a sequel.
Oh, it's already in the works.
Mm.
Mm.
And here we go.
Is it just me, or is this not hot? It's a lot of things.
Hot is not one of them.
I'm just laying there like a lox.
And what-? What is-? What is that face I'm making? Am I-? Am I crying? We are not tan.
I should be at the gym.
All the time.
Don't we make any noise? Move! Do something! Oh, not that! Turn it off! Uh, okay.
It's off.
Wow.
Maybe the problem's the lights.
Yes, they were on.
All right, so should we just move to the "having sex now" part? Yeah, I mean, maybe that will help us forget what we just saw.
It's too soon.
Hey, what's up? Game.
Baseball.
Close.
Ninth inning.
Hey, you remember Trish from work? We just had her going-away party.
It was so much fun.
Uh-huh.
Oh, I know.
She's moving to Tampa to be near her mom, but she's my closest friend there, so it's a little upsetting.
Upsetting? You're upset? Yeah.
No, no, no.
Don't be upset.
Uh I'm sure she'll say "hi" soon.
Were you even listening to me? Yeah, I was listening.
And, uh I'm mad.
At what? At what you're upset about.
Trish? Yeah, where does she get off? I'm steamed as hell at her.
I'm madder than you are! Why? Because of what she did to upset you.
I mean, come on! Trish is moving to Florida to take care of her dying mother.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I'm mad at: The doctors who are just giving up on her.
I mean, come on.
What-? What are you doing? Getting madder than you.
Trying to turn the tabes.
Every conversation with you is- Is a new adventure.
I know that you're mad at me, but not half as mad as I am at myself.
I mean, what kind of stunt are you trying to pull here, Jeff? Hey, Russell, let me- Let me ask you something.
Uh, I'm busy, son.
Have you ever videotaped you and a girl having sex? Why, yes I have.
Why do you ask? No, I'm just- I'm curious what homemade stuff looks like.
You know, probably all pretty bad, right? Wrong.
Check out my work.
Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't- I don't wanna see that.
What? It's very tastefully done.
Okay.
Oh, good God! Oh, starting now.
Well, it's good quality.
Yeah.
Pretty small, though.
Ah, she has big hands.
I- I meant the screen is small.
Oh, the screen is small.
Yeah, it's tiny.
Um, so, what's the deal? Are you and Jen thinking about making a sex tape? Oh, dude, you already made one.
Nice.
Did you go Hilton or Tommy Lee? Uh, what? With the camera.
Did you go tripod or hand-held? Oh- Oh, uh, a little of each.
Oh, good work, Martin Scor-sleazy.
So when can I come and check it out? You can't.
Oh, Jen's uptight about it.
You know what, I'll watch it at home.
What's the website? There's no website.
You know, and if Jen finds out that you know, I'll tell everyone about your calf implants.
Ah! Shh! We understand each other.
Yeah, all right.
No, we just- We just, you know, wanted to do something to spice up our love life, but it- It's bad, man.
I mean, it's very bad.
I can't get it out of my head.
Yeah, you know, the key to a good tape is that it's a movie, not a play.
Okay.
First you make love to the camera, then the woman.
Then the other woman.
Then bring your friend- Okay.
Okay, yeah, I get it.
Suit yourself.
Check out how cool this is.
I tap on her naked body and all her contact info comes up.
Ha-ha! Cool.
Isn't that cool? Hey, guys.
Hey.
Listen, I finally set up a face to face with that chick that was LOLing at all my text messages.
I think there's a connection there.
Oh, good, good.
I hope it works out better than that advice you gave me.
I tried that getting-madder- than-she-is thing.
It totally backfired.
I have no idea what to do now.
Just run, dude.
Why do I keep listening to your advice? It's like those people who keep calling the Three Stooges to fix their plumbing.
They never make it better.
Hey, have, uh, you ever made a sex tape with Audrey? No.
It was, uh, bad enough watching us dancing to Wham! on our wedding video.
Hey, check out the one Russell made.
Ah.
That's nice.
A little girl on girl.
That's Russell.
I'm sorry.
It's just so small.
It's the biggest screen they make.
I wasn't talking about the screen.
Sex tape? Why are you watching that again? I'm trying to learn from it.
The same way I study a tape of my golf swing to try to improve it.
I- I- I gotta rotate my hips more.
We are not talking about golf here.
You're thinking about it too much.
Sex should be spontaneous and fun.
Before we made this tape, we were doing it here in the living room, up on the roof, at that boring bar mitzvah.
Yes.
Yes, two of us became men that day.
Well, where is that man now? He is right here, honey! Come on, let's do it! Damn it! You shanked it.
Hey.
Hi.
You own a purple hat, don't you? Yes, why? Look, you don't know me, but I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.
Hey, Russell.
Care to join me? Don't beg.
Hey, where's Adam? He's at the apartment watching a movie that I've already seen and hate.
Movie, huh? Was this an, uh, indie or a major mosh? It doesn't matter.
No, no, it does.
I'm a bit of a cinephile.
Tell me about it.
What's the plot? How does it end? Happily? Why are you here? I'm meeting my text date for the first time.
We really get along well, she gets all my jokes.
And I just hope grill-wise she's, you know Oh, because you're so, you know Exactly.
Oh, is that her? Oh, that better be her.
Jill? Ha-ha.
Russell? Hey! Over here.
Oh, she's coming over.
Beat it.
It's my booth.
All right, well, I'm 31 and I race cars.
Hey.
Ah, nice to see you in person.
And send.
LOL.
Ah, ha-ha.
Nice to meet my LOLer in person.
Hey, this is my friend's fiancée, Jennifer.
Hi.
I love your purse.
Oh.
Do I have something in my teeth? No.
All right, why don't we sit down? You're funny.
Well, sometimes, but not that one.
That one either.
I'll go hang up my coat.
She laughs at everything.
I know, what a drag.
I thought I was special, but she even laughs at stuff that you say.
I'm funny.
No, I know.
You know what? In my mind, she was perfect.
Some things are best left to the imagination.
That's true.
You know, you just gave me an idea.
So, uh, how are you gonna get rid of her? Actually, I'm still gonna try to sleep with her.
That ought to do it.
I appreciate you accepting my apology for all of my recent behavior.
Come on, I know you mean well.
And I appreciate you doing the dishes.
And I really loved that foot rub.
Oh, and the flowers didn't hurt.
Well, the bill did.
I mean, they're just flowers.
So they'll be dead- Don't undo it.
Sorry.
Part of my apology, you get to choose the movie.
Oh, uh, we could see the Jane Austen movie at 7:15.
And you could see me sleeping at 7:20.
You just said I could pick the movie.
You're right.
Jane Austen it is.
Forbidden love and bonnets.
Awesome.
Oh.
Hi.
Oh.
Hello.
There, happy now? I'm not happy.
You made her say "hi" to me? I was just trying to fix the problem.
I specifically asked you not to.
When my wife is upset, I gotta do something.
You don't take your car to a mechanic, tell him what's wrong and then say, "But don't fix it.
Just listen and hug me.
" You know, I should be able to share things with my husband without worrying he's gonna go do something crazy.
Or you could be more amused when he does something crazy.
Let's not forget about the beautiful flowers, one of which is already dead.
Okay.
Honey, I just want to be able to move on from this knowing it's not going to happen again.
It won't.
Trust me.
It might.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Look, I'll, uh, keep trying to do better.
All right, you keep trying to do better and I'll keep trying to remember the man I married.
Mr.
Good Intentions, Lousy Execution.
Hey, you're right about that woman.
A stranger says "hello," you say "hello" back.
It's what separates us from the French.
Couldn't agree more.
At least one good thing came out of all this.
What's that? We've blown the Jane Austen movie.
Oh, there's another showing at 8.
Awesome.
Okay.
Adam, if you're watching this, it means you're still obsessed with the damn sex tape.
But I've recorded over it, because instead of the reality, which is so harsh and pasty, I think you need a little more fantasy.
Oh, Downward Dog.
Into Chaturanga.
Hey.
I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but I could use a little help stretching.
We are back! Well, that was the last room.
Now the apartment's officially ours.
Wait a minute.
That was my drawer.
Did you take one of my drawers? Yeah.
When? When I was on top.
So is this how it's gonna be for the rest of my life? Uh-huh.
Do you want another drawer? Yeah.