The Middle s02e03 Episode Script

Out here in the middle, men live by an unspoken code.
You shake, not hug.
You never pay to have something done you can do yourself.
You don't go to the doctor unless You don't go to the doctor.
- I'm not going to the doctor.
- Come on, just go for a physical.
They're raising our deductible.
If you're getting a disease, get it while it's cheap.
Something comes along, I can take care of it myself.
Mike's school of medicine was not the same as mine.
My heart just stopped.
Oh, there it goes.
When did this mole get here? Shoulder popped out again.
Ah, that's better.
Ugh, Mike, you can't slab duct tape on everything anymore.
You're getting older.
You gotta have checkups.
I get them.
But you've got all that lady stuff going on.
Okay, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you creak.
I creak? - Heh.
- And Dr.
Oz says men age faster.
That salt and pepper you got there? Getting heavy on the salt.
Because I don't goop on color with a plastic glove and a squirt bottle.
Oh, please.
I take way better care of myself.
People say I look 10 years younger than you.
Ha, ha, what people? Your sister when you're talking about how young and skinny you both still are? Whatever, Mike.
You're getting a physical.
End of story.
I don't need you dying early and sticking me with the kids.
Mrs.
Heck.
Looking beautiful, as always.
Did you hear that, Mike? He just Never mind.
- What are you boys up to? - We're getting our school on.
We got this science project.
It's worth half our grade.
I'm not gonna be able to do chores this week.
Hmm.
We'll try to get by.
Little Brickster.
Always a pleasure to see you.
You want a candy bar? Here.
I got another one.
Oh, I wish I could, but I don't wanna break the law.
What do you mean? It's not illegal to eat candy.
But my mom said Oh, yeah.
- Can I get this? - Put that down, Brick.
- Why? - Because the, uh The president outlawed candy for kids under 10.
You lied to me? My own mother lied to me? Here's the thing You know how many letters I wrote to the president? He probably thinks I'm crazy.
Crazy.
Wait.
You lied, but your hair didn't fall out.
- Is that a lie too? - Join the club.
She once told me kids who talk during Wheel of Fortune go blind.
Brick, come on.
I'm sorry.
- You said you'd drive me to babysitting.
- She says a lot of things.
Sean.
- - If you have an older brother you're gonna develop a crush on one of his friends.
For Sue, it happened this summer.
I'm heading out.
I could give you a lift.
Let's go.
I'll ride in the front seat.
Unless you need books in the front and then I'll ride in the back seat.
Or I'll just wing it, heh.
Uh Uh, if anyone needs me, I'll be in Sean's car.
I'm trying to schedule a physical for my husband.
No, you won't have any record of him.
Just start a new file called "Mike.
" Tuesday? Great.
Thanks.
Aah! Brick, what are you doing? I've been making this face for an hour, and guess what.
It didn't stick that way.
- Hello? - I got a situation here.
- Yeah.
What's wrong, Sue? - What else have you lied about, Mom? Wait.
Who's talking? Did Sean come back? - No.
What's up? - Well, if he does, tell him I say hi.
Anyway, ugh, the Markley's didn't leave me any diapers.
Could you run out to the store and get me some? Oh, he's already double-Ioaded and if it leaks, it'll ruin my cross-country sweatshirt.
Right now? Because I'm really busy mopping up and Maybe I was gonna mop.
You don't know.
Excuse me.
Can you tell me where the diapers are? - Over here.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
- I really appreciate it.
I'm kind of a big - Here you go.
Uh, my grandma likes these.
You're probably a small.
Okay, wait.
You think I need diapers? Oh, this is just Ugh, oh, my God.
How old do you think I am? Is it okay if I don't answer that? Look, I might sneeze-pee once in a while, but I don't need diapers.
Do you see any gray there? No.
That's 100 percent chestnut brown.
That's over in Aisle 12.
I mean, come on.
These are for Geriatric bladder control.
Do I look geriatric? I could easily have a baby.
I choose not to.
These are for old, creaky people who are way older than me.
Not you, heh.
Sorry.
I'm just a little flustered.
I have a daughter with a dripping baby.
I understand.
I'm a grandma too.
I'm not a grandma.
Just take me to the diapers for babies.
Which I could have.
It's just so embarrassing.
All right, so that's it then? I look like some granny now? I need to call my sister.
Mm, no, you don't.
You've got me.
And I am here to tell you that you are a vibrant young woman full of life and beauty.
- Blah, blah, blah! Don't take my word for it.
See for yourself.
Who is this beautiful lady from just last Tuesday? And this one, with sunlight dappled on her face? And this lovely lass eating a doughnut by the copy machine? Wow.
Bob, you have a lot of pictures of me.
Not just you.
Here's Mike.
The kids.
Ah, your house at night.
So full of slumbering peace.
- Wanna see it at Christmas? - No, thanks, Bob.
- It's eating my eyes.
Kill it! - Head, meet bullet: Ka-bam! - Mr.
Heck, how are you, sir? - Great, Sean.
Axl, I thought you had a big school project.
- Stop wasting time and get to work.
- Ho, for your information, we are working.
Our experiment is on the effects of video games.
First, we play 36 hours of "Mutant Road Rage" then watch Wipeout and see how much we can remember.
We even got a log.
And your teacher signed off on this experiment? Oh, yeah.
Coach is totally cool with it.
Some other kids are studying the effects of music on coma patients.
Ha, ha.
Losers.
Hey, professor, you got a little bean dip on your log there.
I'll get it.
Hi, Sean.
Hi, Carly.
What are you doing here? I didn't want to tell anybody.
I thought it was a one-way crush.
But then he gave me a ride to babysitting "on his way home.
" It wasn't on his way home.
He lives on the corner, and I was going to Pondview Drive.
That's two extra stop signs.
And remember you tripped into that fire hydrant? He said, "You're bleeding pretty bad.
You want me to get your mom?" - Do you really think he likes me? - There's only one way to find out.
- We should get these cookies.
- Yes.
- Watch out, watch out, watch out! - Oh, we should get those marbles too.
Okay.
Just be cool.
- Hey.
- Shh! Hey.
- Getting a snack? - He, he! Pay attention! Look it "Getting a snack?" You're way on his radar.
But he ignored me at first.
What does that mean? My parents ignore each other.
Oh, my God.
You're totally getting married.
I was starting to feel a little better.
Bob was right.
Beer, frosting.
Show me an old person's digestion that can handle this.
Hello, Mother.
I just took a walk around the block with wet hair and swallowed a watermelon seed at lunch.
Pneumonia? No.
Watermelon growing in my belly? No.
Quite the tangled web, isn't it? Tangled web.
Yeah, but that pneumonia thing is real.
You just got lucky.
Hey, where's my Oprah? Axl, what did you do to the TV? Aah! Oh, come on.
Hey.
Just got back from my physical and guess what.
No creaks.
No leaks.
No nothing.
Picture of perfect health.
That's awesome.
First, adult diapers and now I throw my back out plugging something in.
No amount of frosting in the world can save me now.
It had been days and my back wasn't any better.
I still hadn't told Mike.
I don't know why.
Yes, I do.
The man never goes to the doctor and still has perfect health.
I'm sorry, but that's just rude.
A plugging-in injury.
Is that who I am now? A person who can't plug things in? And then he takes me to the adult diapers.
I mean, come on.
Look at me.
I could have babies.
I could get pregnant right now.
Oh, turn left.
Guess what, Mom.
Rode home with a stranger today.
Perfectly fine.
Brick, come here.
We have to talk, ugh.
Brick.
Come to me.
Come to me.
- - Everyone needs a friend who will stop you when you're about to make a huge mistake.
Carly was not that friend.
Sean is gonna love this poem.
It's, like, the most romantic thing ever.
Really? Did you notice how I used three different inks to express my different feelings? I wrote it last month, but I got too nervous to give it to him.
Are you kidding? "Emotions glinting off my braces like the work of a Bedazzler.
" He will love this.
I don't know.
Is it too crazy? - We are living in the age of girl power.
- You're right.
I am a woman of the 21st century, and I am gonna give it to him.
Oh, my God.
I'm about to give it to him.
Oh.
I just got the key to the machete cabinet.
God, I love homework.
Sean? Um, can I see you in the? Oh, my God.
My ex-boyfriend.
- Brad, what are you doing here? - My tap class is down the street so I thought I'd pick up my colander.
I left it here when I took your family on that magical pasta tour of Italy.
- Hold on.
My ex-BF and my future BF in the same room? This is not good.
What am I gonna do? We have to be smart about this.
- Five.
- One, two, three, four, five.
- Blue.
- B-L-U-E.
Three.
Hey, Brad.
Look at you.
Tap-dancing on my porch where the neighbors can see.
Hi, Mr.
Heck.
Just keeping my thighs hot while Sue grabs my colander.
I have no idea what that means, but why don't you wait inside? Okay.
- Sue, Brad's in the living room.
- Okay.
- What are you doing? - Oh, nothing.
I was just looking for a button.
Ah.
There it is.
Oh, it's a corn flake.
Hey, today's our anniversary.
- What? Really? - Yeah.
I forgot too, but Bob sent us a card.
- That's nice.
- And weird.
Why don't you put on some heels, and I'll take you to dinner? Oh, I don't need a fancy dinner.
I'm still enjoying this carpet remnant you got me last year.
But I got a coupon.
I'll even let you get what you want.
I'll get something of equal or lesser value.
Let's float it to next month.
It's getting late.
I gotta find this button.
It's our anniversary.
I just got a clean bill of health.
Maybe we'll even head home early for a little dessert.
- Oh, God.
- I hope he's talking about ice cream.
Brad and Sean are out there together.
God, how did I mess everything up? I hope they don't fight over me.
Sean would kill him.
He plays football.
Yeah, but Brad's pretty tough too.
He's been taking movement classes.
I was in a rush, so I grabbed it myself.
But come see me in Bring in 'da Noise, bring in 'da Funk.
Matinees, Saturday, Sunday.
Mondays we're dark.
Toodles.
Oh, my God.
I feel so bad.
He's devastated.
So I decided to tough it out and hope a warm bath would loosen up my plugging-in injury.
I know, I know.
I should've just told him.
Don't judge.
- Uh, hello.
I'm in here.
- Oh, sorry.
No, I meant, go to your own bathroom, Brick.
Hey, you know, wait a minute.
My water's a little cold.
Turn on the hot water for me.
- Why can't you do it? - Well, you see, uh Here's the thing, Brick.
I kind of hurt my back lifting something very heavy.
You guys say I'm not old enough to use the hot water by myself.
You're plenty old enough.
Go ahead.
Give it a spin.
Okay.
That's enough.
You can turn it off.
No, ow, ow.
The other way.
- Which way? - To the right.
- The knob's right? - Who cares about the knob's right? Your right.
Aah! You're boiling me alive.
Ah! I don't think I can do this anymore.
Brad's heartbroken.
Sean's from, like, a really prominent family.
I can't handle a love triangle.
I'm not a Kardashian.
We could use some of their wisdom right now.
Worst of all, it's made me take my eye off the ball which is cross-country.
There's only one thing to do here.
I gotta tell Sean it's not gonna work.
- Righty tighty.
- It won't turn off! I don't know what I'm doing and I have to pee! And stop yelling at me! I don't know how you guys do that every day.
Hey, Brick.
You know, we don't have to mention this to Dad.
What, that you let me use hot water when I'm clearly not ready? I mean, he doesn't need to know I hurt my back.
More lies, Mom? Where does it end with you? You tell me not to lie, then you do it.
Okay, Brick, here's the thing.
Lying is absolutely 100 percent bad.
It's just that sometimes you do it to protect people that you care about.
Like when somebody gets a bad haircut, You still say, "Nice haircut.
" If you didn't want me to get a candy bar, why couldn't you say no? But why not? But why not? But why not? It's just, sometimes a little lie makes life easier.
- You get it? - Whoa.
Why aren't you ready? What's going on? Why is all this water on the floor? I found a spider under the porch.
It was a golden silk orb weaver.
So I brought it in to show Mom.
I dropped it in the tub.
She freaked out.
I tried to get it out but it was too late, so I flushed it which means if you wanna see it, you can't, because it's gone.
Nice haircut.
I didn't know whether to be impressed or horrified.
My son had lied for me.
I was in the clear.
Except I forgot one little thing.
- Brick had a tell.
- I'm lying.
Ugh, now that video games are homework, they're not as much fun anymore.
- I need to eat.
I'm getting dizzy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, let's hit the drive-through.
I want a hamburger and, uh, those things.
- French fries.
- No, but we should get those too.
- I should write this down.
- Yeah.
Hey.
We're going out to get food.
You wanna come? I want to, Sean.
I really do.
But my life is way too complicated right now.
I think I really need to just focus on cross-country and I hope you can understand that.
The timing is just all wrong.
Isn't that always the case? So I guess what I'm saying is, I'm sorry, Sean, but I can't go with you.
We'll bring you back some nuggets.
Later.
That was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I'm gonna try and watch Eclipse and get my mind off it but I don't think it's gonna work.
Hey, what's this? - Some kind of a poem.
- Pfft! "Feelings so strong, they can't be wrong.
Like a butterfly and a dove riding on a rainbow of love.
" Everyone needs a friend who'll stop you when you're about to make a mistake.
Carly was not that friend, but Axl was.
Oh, that's mine.
Just, uh, tooling around with some lyrics for a song and, you know - Axl saving Sue? - I guess video games did addle his brain.
You dot your I's with hearts? Those are butts.
You said you'd be dressed a half-hour ago.
What's the holdup? I can't get out.
I hurt my back plugging something in, and I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to think I was old and pathetic.
I can't get out of the tub.
I tried, and the whole curtain came down.
Have you been drinking wine in the tub again? Mike, somebody thought I needed diapers.
Can you believe that? I always thought that we would grow old together but I'm way ahead of you.
I don't care what Dr.
Oz says.
Women absorb all the stress in marriage.
Just ask Mrs.
Dr.
Oz.
Do you even know the family's whole schedule? That Sue has cross-country from 3 to 5? And that Brick has a Bookmobile every Saturday at 11? It takes a toll, Mike.
I didn't even remember our anniversary.
Back, brain, bladder.
That's how it goes.
Okay.
Grab onto something.
- Ow! - Ha, ha.
Just go find a new wife.
Be happy.
Don't worry about me.
I'll just be here, falling apart before my time.
Just do me a favor.
Plug everything in before you go.
- Stop it, Frankie.
- Yeah.
Look at Look at my feet.
I have the feet of a 90-year-old woman.
You're pruny from the water.
You're not falling apart.
Says the man in perfect health, who's carrying me like a fireman in his prime.
I don't have perfect health.
Yes, you do.
You said you did.
No, no.
My cholesterol's high.
I didn't wanna tell you.
- A little or a lot? - A lot.
- Really? We're both falling apart? - Yep.
Happy anniversary.
If I could move, I'd kiss you.
I love you.
Now get me a heating pad and the remote and don't touch me for a month.
It actually turned out to be one of our best anniversaries ever.
We laid in bed, ate pizza and watched When Harry Met Sally.
And then a couple of days on a heating pad later You feeling better, Mom? You about ready to get up? Unh, I think I'm gonna need another day.
My back's still hurting pretty bad.
I'm lying.