Family Guy s02e04 Episode Script

Hello, neighbour.
I'm glad we're together again.
Oh! I think I hear our friend, Trolley.
- Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie.
- What the? Don't visit the neighbourhood of make-believe today.
- I dare say you'll find it quite in ruins.
- What? Meow, meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! - Oh, my God! - That's right, all dead.
And now, Mr Rogers - Fred.
May as well drop the bloody formalities.
- I'm going to kill you anyway.
- No, please don't! How ironic! "Rogers".
It almost rhymes with "eliminate".
No! - Wha wha?! What the devil? - It's OK, Stewie.
You were just talking in your sleep.
But now it's time for you to meet Mr Death.
Argh! It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Meow! Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Stop! Help! - Oh, my God! George! - Did you not hear me out there? - Are you? - Go to your room.
- But what happened? - Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.
I know that cos my damn watch is broken! - I'm I'm sorry.
- Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Jane is sorry! I could have been killed! So, what are you wearing? Wow.
I bet you can see right through that.
- Chris, who are you talking to? - Grandma.
- Oh, no! - What is it? It looks like Stewie had an accident on the carpet.
Oh, Lois.
Again? That baby just does not wanna keep his diaper on.
Here you are! What the hell is this? Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Oh, is that what it is? Really? I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Here's 50 cents.
Do me a favour, sweetheart.
Next time you're shopping, why not splurge on a tin of solid white albacore? Stewie, are you upset because you went wee-wee on the carpet? - What did you just say? - Hey, Lois Did you pee in here? In a moment.
What did you just say? Peter, we have a serious problem we need to discuss.
Oh, jeez.
This isn't another one of those interventions, is it? Peter, you've been wearing that giant foam cowboy hat for eight months now.
Please, for your family, take it off.
Hey, I can take this hat off any time I want.
I just don't want to.
Get away! No, it's Stewie.
He peed on the carpet.
- Do I do I hit him? - No! - Bend down, Mother.
- Yes, honey? How dare you sully my good name by spreading slanderous filth! Stewie, no hitting.
Use your words.
He's probably just ashamed, Lois.
You're a helpless little carpet tinkler, aren't you? Well! The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten.
I will not be forgetting those outrages.
No, no! No, they won't be forgotten.
- Not the - Outrages, yeah.
I think we got it.
Oh! Maybe it's time for Stewie to start potty training.
Isn't he too young? You know what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
- Charles, he's only six months old.
- Honey, would you relax? God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself.
I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.
I think I know how to Oh, God! Oh, God! All right He was kidnapped.
You call the police, I'll write the ransom note.
What about Amelia? She saw everything.
You leave her to me.
Come on, honey.
He's been having accidents.
Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready.
This could be a nice way for you and Stewie to bond.
Bond? James Bond.
All right, Lois.
I'll do it.
(snores) Oh, God.
Not again, Brian.
Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet? Dammit! It's not coming out.
- (Lois) Brian, is that you? - Uh, yeah, it's me.
- Is everything OK? - Yeah, I just I couldn't sleep.
- I'll be up in a minute.
- OK.
(sighs) Join us tomorrow for more "Price is Right".
Remember, to help control the pet population, have your pets spayed or neutered.
Oh, just die already.
Ew! Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again.
- No! - Oh, this has gotta stop.
Oh, God! It smells gross! Princess, I don't see anyone dabbing yours behind their ears.
It looks like someone already tried to clean it up.
- No, it doesn't.
- Mine smells like soda.
- I'm looking for toilet-training books.
- Yes, we can help you there.
Everybody Poops is still the standard, of course.
We've also got the less popular Nobody Poops But You.
- Huh.
See, we're Catholic, so - Then you want You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming Out the Back of You.
Perfect! - Brian, what are you doing? - Hi, Lois.
I was just washing some things.
Those look like our sheets and our quilt.
They are.
I'm washing them with some fabric softener.
They were so itchy I couldn't sleep, which is why I was downstairs when you asked me if I was OK and I said I couldn't sleep.
You know, cos it was so itchy.
Come on, Stewie.
Don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself.
I was so proud.
Hey, Lois.
I did it! Well, perhaps I could give it the old college try.
Why don't you put your hands right there? - It'll help me relax.
- OK, buddy.
Aagh! Maybe you don't have to pee.
I oughta just give you some beer.
Goes right through you.
Wonderful.
And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Yeah? Listen, you, I'll use these facilities when I'm damn well ready.
Until then, you shall continue to sanitise my crevasse and be damn grateful for the opportunity-starting right (grunts) Well, not now.
But soon! Oh, and I want these and these and these.
- Only one.
- But but that man over there got two.
Peter, I don't care what the other men are getting.
You're only getting one.
- I hate you! - (trickling) - Hey, what's that sound? - You're urinating! So, it's been you all along! Oh, this is too perfect! I've been taking the blame for Rex.
- Ew! It's everywhere! - It's OK.
Meg, hand me my sweater.
Brian, where d'you think you are, Payless? I say, I say! Paco, grab a mop.
Will somebody get Patches the hell out of here before he bends a French biscuit on the conveyor belt? Sh.
It's OK.
We'll meet you in the parking lot.
Oh, God, Lois.
I need help.
Look, I I really don't even know why I'm here.
The urologist said I was fine.
Sometimes these things can be psychological.
Doubt that.
I've got a very comfortable life.
I live with a great family, my needs are met.
OK, look, so maybe this isn't where I thought I was gonna be at seven years old.
It's just that I Is it OK if I smoke in here? Thanks.
It's just that things don't always work out the way we plan.
You know, I've never been to Europe.
Now look at me.
Middle-aged, alone and peeing in supermarkets.
Man, didn't see that coming.
I had this dream last night.
Did you ever see Logan's Run? (woman) Last day.
Capricorn 2537.
Our next dedication goes out to Tony from Kim.
("All Out of Love") We've got a runner in sector G.
Oh.
What about him? He's gotta be in his fifties.
- So what do you think? - I think you're very sensitive and you put up a tough front.
I think you're in pain.
- Damn it, Brian.
Do not cry.
- I'd like to pet you, Brian.
Would that be OK? You're a good dog, Brian.
A very good Keep it above the waist, Doc.
And now Part 2 of our very own Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom of Judy and Glen Isaacs.
Ten years married and still in love.
What's their secret? Judy has an inoperable brain tumour the size of my fist, and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.
- Brian, how'd it go? - Well, I think I have a bit of "me" work to do.
- But I'm feeling things, and that's a start.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
Like most other people, I used to think therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs.
Isn't that silly? Hey, Lois, I Hey, Brian.
How you doin'? They let you out already? I was in a therapy session, not a lunatic asylum.
Hey, calm down.
Lots of crazy people have gone on to lead normal, successful lives.
What did your therapist say? Dr Kaplan thinks the, uh accidents are linked to some kind of midlife crisis.
He suggested I go out into the world and pursue my dreams.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Whoa, hang on.
I gave you one of the ones with silverware in it.
Take this one instead.
That one's probably fine.
Beautiful.
Aagh! - Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King? - No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Oh.
But, you know, thanks to these sessions, I think I'm OK.
Being out in the world, feeling my power-and no accidents.
- I've been dry for two weeks now.
- Mazel tov.
Well, goodbye, Dr Kaplan.
And thank you.
I know Stacey isn't your mother, but upside-down face or not, you have to respect her! Hey, you're Tom Tucker.
Hey! Oh, God, I'm s That was rude.
I apologise.
Wow.
I'm a little teapot, short and stout Here is my handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again! Goodness! He's wet everything.
Ha! Ha! Ha! I swear, I don't even remember doing it.
I don't understand this.
Now, Brian, we know you're not doing this on purpose, but maybe we should consider crating.
- Oh, God.
- Or you could be an outside dog.
Huh? Would you like that? Huh? Outside? Oh, oh, and how embarrassed was I when the word "crate" came up! I thought I was past this.
I travelled the world, for God's sake.
- You know how much I spent? - Obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet.
Drop it.
Tell me, Brian, the last accident you remember, did anything unusual happen to trigger it? Oh, no, it was a normal day.
- Oh, Catwoman? - Peter, no Catwoman today.
I'm tired.
What's the matter? Is the mighty Catwoman afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray? Peter, no.
Peter (giggles) All right! OK! Enough, Batman.
I don't Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman? - Peter! - Take that! Take that! I spit water at you! Peter! Peter! Batman, I can't breathe.
Peter! Oh, I'm using my special cat power to get Batman all wet.
Meow! Meow! You know, just the usual stuff.
- All that running water.
That's gotta be it! - Mm-hm.
- Brian, tell me about Lois.
- Lois.
Well, she's a fantastic woman.
She's compassionate and charming, attractive.
Well, stunning really.
I guess you could say I really - Love her? - No, of course not.
Me and Lois? That's sick.
- Come on, she's my best friend's wife.
- Mm-hm.
Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her.
Mm-hm.
Who are you trying to convince, Brian, me or you? Oh, Brian, Brian.
What a mess.
Don't get antsy.
I got three minutes left.
So what the hell, Brian? You cured yet? I don't wanna have to live with plastic on the furniture like some Italian family.
- My therapist's figured out my problem.
- What does Sigmund Fraud think it is? He, uh thinks I'm in love.
Oh, my God! You can talk! - Never mind.
- Does this girl love you back? - I I can't imagine.
- You gotta find out for sure.
You don't wanna spend your life wondering what could have been.
- Sir, I need a decision.
- Uh, uh Uh, salad.
No, wait! Soup! Soup! But it was too late.
And to this day I still lay awake at night wondering about the soup that got away.
Thanks, Peter.
I'm gonna go find out how she feels.
- I've taken you for granted.
- Get a room! - Hey, you, the news is on.
- Where is everybody? Stewie's taking a nap and Peter and the kids are out.
- Come sit with me.
- Oh, OK.
Huh, huh.
Ohhhhh! And now Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Thank you, Diane.
Sex-some people have it anonymously.
"What kind of person would do that?" you might ask.
Well, I'm about to find out.
I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now, possibly doing drugs.
Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in-depth and undercover.
I've never had a Spanish chick before.
Olé! It is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
- Your tail keeps hitting me.
- If it's bothering you, I can stop.
That's OK.
The breeze feels good.
It's so warm in here.
Ooh.
That's better.
I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
(chuckles) Mm.
Smooth.
Well, I'd better go start dinner.
Oh! Well, well, well! How long have you been there? I came about the time you started pummelling her with your tail.
- You shut up.
- You love her.
Ha! Oh, oh, this is so good, it just has to be fattening.
- I said shut up! - Oh, by the way, nice rap.
"I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
" Ha! Ha! Ha! Imbecile.
Britney and Amber were, like, "Let's go to the mall.
" I was, like, "I'll go to the mall.
" Then Amber wasn't gonna go.
So I went to the mall, and you're not gonna believe it-they both showed up! Hold on.
Meg, Meg, I'm sorry.
That is a really boring story.
I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
This sucks! Lois, this pasta-better than Italy.
It's just my noodle caboodle.
But I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust.
Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting, glow of sensuality that surrounds you.
- It's just noodle caboodle.
- Hey, what are these hard things? M&M's.
I ran out of paprika.
- (kissing sound) Magnificent.
- Up, up.
Stewie wants to go uppie.
You want me to pick you up, sweetie? Mama's skin's so soft.
My goodness, you're affectionate tonight! Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Another! Another! Yes! Mama has candy kisses! All right, that's enough! I mean, would you all excuse me, please? Stewie, did did you unhook Mommy's bra? - Uh, hi.
- Well, hello, Brian.
- I I think we should talk.
- Sure.
Lois did your heart ever want to ask something but your head was too afraid of what the answer might be? Oh.
Oh, God.
Sometimes it's best not to ask those questions.
Sometimes we should cherish what we already have, like a very special friendship, let's say like the one you and I share, that someone like me wouldn't change for anything in the world.
Someone like me wouldn't change it for anything in the world either.
I'm glad.
To be clear-we were talking about me being in love with you and you rejecting me, right? - Yes.
- I was just making sure.
Say we were drunk and knew we wouldn't remember? I'd have to be really, really No! I tell you, Peter, I wish I'd taken this up years ago.
My great-great-great uncle Angus Griffin invented the game.
So we're all clear on the rules, then? No Jews and no blacks.
Aye.
- You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf.
- Yeah, life is good.
I'm seven years old, and if I play my cards right, I've got seven years ahead of me.
- Whatever happened with your lady friend? - We decided to stay good friends.
There are a lot of different kinds of love, and ours was perfect the way it was.
So she dumped you, huh? To hell with her.
She'll probably end up with some idiot.
Serves her right! Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Damn.
Mulligan.
Damn.