Frasier s02e04 Episode Script

'It's not that I don't like him.
'But he's gotten so attached.
'I mean, roses every day after two dates! ' Maggie, first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation.
Tell him frankly that, though he wants to go at one speed, you need to go at another.
Tell him you're not rejecting him, you are fond of him, but I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD-holding producer, thinks you should do.
Any guy who's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem.
I say, "Dump him.
Now.
And don't look back.
" 'It's so good to hear that, Roz.
'That's what I wanted to do, but I felt so guilty.
Thanks so much.
Bye.
' That takes us to a commercial.
This, for those who have forgotten, is the Dr Frasier Crane Show.
I confirmed your dinner reservation for three.
At your father's request, that's at Chez Shrimp.
Two letters to sign - a card for Clarence, the guard, we're all signing, and a notice on the KACL bowling team that I'll file in the trash.
Oh, wonderful.
Another card.
I, as resident wit, will have to be clever.
At least I've got another KACL birthday bash to look forward to.
I can just taste that frozen cake now and hear wild applause as an adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles.
- What are you grousing about? - Oh, nothing.
Yes, the pageantry never stops.
Mr Fancy Pants.
- He's got to buy a German car.
- It's not my fault we broke down.
If you'd bought American, they could fix it here.
I always buy American so you can go to the nearest garage.
I could break down alone in the middle of Alaska! A thought to raise all our spirits.
This traffic is murder.
We could walk, but humidity may ruin my loafers.
Does calfskin pucker? Yes, that's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made fun of of all the animals.
Don't be snide.
We'll be here for a while.
Let's try and make pleasant conversation.
We are a family.
It shouldn't be that hard.
Have you been driving long? - Not really.
- Got any good stories? Ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab? - It's a classic.
- Why? Did that happen in this cab? - It's about to.
- You're pregnant? Yes.
Ow! Don't panic.
It may be false labour.
My waters just broke.
I'm in a puddle of water.
Calfskin! - Closest hospital is First Methodist.
- We'll never make it.
Pull over! - Try to park facing downhill.
- Niles! - I can't have my baby here.
- There's no need to be concerned.
We are trained medical professionals.
Niles, help her! - Hurry! - I know.
The other door! Oh, for goodness sake! Is anybody there? Come in! It's most important to breathe deeply.
Do as I do.
- Do you feel faint or short of breath? - Yes, both of those.
- 'Hello? Go ahead.
' - Yes, I'm calling from cab No 804.
This is an emergency.
Your driver just went into labour.
We're at the corner of 14th and Sycamore.
- We need an ambulance now.
- 'OK.
' - It hurts.
- It's natural.
- No, you're squeezing my hand.
- I only did this once in medical school.
I remember lots of blood and a lino floor hurtling toward my forehead.
- You fainted? - Switch places and see how you do! Good God, Niles! I'll do this! - The baby's really coming now! - When he does come, I'll catch him.
Just continue with your breathing.
Don't feel guilty for having a baby in a cab.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Many great Americans have been born this way.
Cab Calloway comes to mind.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I specialise in the head, not the lower body.
It's less messy that way.
Not that your lower portion is messy.
It's beautiful.
Not that I'm looking! - Is the pain that bad? - No, you're driving me crazy! Move it out, come on! - You a doctor, too? - No, a retired cop.
Well what took you so long? It's really hurting.
Everything's going to be just fine.
I've delivered a few babies, and some are older than you are now.
Frasier will hold your hand, Niles will look out for an ambulance and I'll help your beautiful baby out.
OK? - OK.
- Are there any questions? Should our meter still be running? Hello? Are you back yet? Well, go on, turn your heads.
OK.
So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
No, I haven't! Your father made it sound exciting on the phone: delivering a baby in a taxi.
I see that not as excitement but as my duty to use the skills I honed in medical school.
Yes, Niles ran to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
I can't get over the feeling of being there when a person's life begins.
One minute, it's a blob inside some lady, next minute, it's a person.
Blob - person.
The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.
I bet you have fond memories of your son's birth.
Oh, yes, of course.
The first time I held him in my arms as a newborn, it was as if everything else simply melted away.
There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle!" At least now fathers see their sons being born.
In my day, they stuck us in the waiting room, smoking and reading Life magazine.
I remember what I was reading when Niles was born.
It was about Mickey Mantle.
Talk about life setting you up for a fall.
- I'm turning in.
- Night, Dad.
I wonder what dreams I'll have after this talk about childbearing.
Probably the one where my mother says, "Daphne, you're 50 and you've never given me grandchildren.
" So I say, "That was my choice.
I was thinking of my career.
" "But did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again.
Just drop it!" But will she drop it? "Oh, shut up, Mother!" I wonder how many more people she's got in there.
- Sherry, Niles? - No, thank you.
- Something on your mind? - Actually, yes.
For months, I've noticed my thoughts drifting to the same subject - will I ever be a father? There are pros and cons.
But, watching that birth, I realised it's something I really want.
I think.
It's natural to have parental stirrings.
I wake up nights thinking about it.
- Have you talked to Maris? - Not yet.
I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.
I'm just not sure I'm ready for fatherhood.
No one is ever sure.
These days, teenagers who want to become parents are given a sack of flour to keep for a week, as if it were a baby.
- You're kidding? - No.
They hold it, they care for it.
It gives a good idea of the responsibility of parenthood.
What could be better than hands-on experience? Might be worth a try! - I wasn't - Why not? Maris is away.
I'm desperate to resolve the issue.
Where do you keep the flour? In the kitchen.
The cabinet next to the sink.
Yes, here it is.
"Extra-refined.
" It's taking after its old man already.
No, that's the sugar.
We're going to do this right.
Now, here is the flour.
"Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an airtight container.
" This one's taking after its mother.
Hello.
May I join you? Or should I say, "May we?" Mais oui.
So you're continuing with our little baby experiment? Yes.
And it's been quite a learning experience.
Not easy, though! I take him everywhere, get up for 2:00 am feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards.
What a beautiful baby! How old is he? - Eight weeks.
- Great age, isn't it? Niles? I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.
It's nothing.
I was playing him some Brahms.
Never too early to ingrain them.
I must have begun conducting with a chopstick and I accidentally ran him through.
What young parent doesn't tell that story? The scuffs were the fault of my new houseman, Ngee.
- What did Ghee do? - No, it's Ngee.
- Ghee.
- No, no.
Ngee.
Oh, who cares? What did he do? He'd just given my car a shine, when I sat the baby on the roof and down it went onto the driveway.
Would you watch him while I order? Hey, Frase.
This seat taken? Well, actually No.
Clarence is doing better.
I just dropped his card off.
- Clarence? - The guard.
Oh, down at the station.
Good.
I didn't know he was sick.
You signed his "get well" card.
That wasn't a birthday card? No, he's in hospital having a kidney transplant.
Oh, my God! I thought it was his birthday.
I wrote, "You're not getting older, just closer to death.
" How could you think it was his birthday? I didn't recognise the traditional card for a sick man - a giant bunny.
- Has he read it yet? - No, he was asleep.
I'll look so callous.
We've got to get that card back! How can you be leaving? I asked you to baby-sit! I have no time for your insanity! I have to go steal a "get well" card from a kidney patient.
What does that say "Geb "? No, it's "Get".
"Get well soon.
Love, Andrea.
" Just copy it down and move on to the next name.
We have to transfer all the names on to the new card.
I want to get it back tonight.
So you snuck into his room and stole his card? I did not sneak in.
Luckily, he was in extreme pain and heavily sedated.
You should have found out who this Clarence was.
You never pay attention to the little people.
Yes, why don't we invite the commoners to drag me to the square and stone me.
That must be Niles.
He's taking me to the hospital.
- Hello, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.
- What are you doing with that? - Forging a parent-child bond.
That's a relief.
I was afraid it might be something stupid.
I don't wear it in public.
But I want a true picture of parenthood.
- And? - It's driving me batty.
Feedings every two hours, constantly monitoring where he is.
You can get obsessed with worry.
Last night, I dreamt my flour sack was abducted and the kidnappers started sending me muffins in the mail.
On the plus side, I've learnt a lot.
If I ever go through the real thing, I'll make a wonderful parent.
Niles, what has happened to your child? I was practising my t'ai chi and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool.
Then I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry.
He caught on fire? It was not that careless.
A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
Ah! Time for his nap! - Turn him over if he starts fussing.
- No.
- I'm role-playing, Dad.
- Try the role of a sane person.
So, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood? No.
One minute, I think I could never stand the stress, the next, I'm daydreaming about taking my son to the museum or listening to his first "Für Elise" and I swear there are tears in my eyes.
Oh, dear Eddie! That dingo's got your baby.
Oh, God! Eddie, Dad! Don't worry.
I'll clean up that mess.
For God's sake, calm down! I think it's time you realised something.
That is not a person.
It's a bag of flour.
It's easy to tell the difference.
People don't have recipes on their backs.
This is stupid! We're talking about having a baby here.
You make that decision in your gut, not intellectually.
What is your gut feeling? - I'm not sure.
- You'd better be.
Nothing can prepare you for having a kid.
It's hard.
Full of surprises.
Maybe your kid won't want piano lessons.
- He might like baseball.
- Don't even say that.
Just trust yourself.
You'll know if it's right or not.
I'm finished, if you're ready to take me to the hospital.
I wonder if this experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself I'm ready for something, when I know I'm not.
- What do you mean? - I want to have a baby.
But I just don't want it enough.
Oh That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit.
- Why do you say that? - Because it's so selfish.
I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy.
It's only selfish to have babies for the wrong reasons.
People should find out if they're ready.
Anyway, feeling this way now doesn't mean things can't change in a few years.
Perhaps you're right.
Maris and I will be over 40 then.
Maybe we should look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Oh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.
Who is this Clarence fellow? Some guy down at the station.
Dr Crane! It's Clarence! Were you in there looking for me? - As a matter of fact, I was.
- They changed my room.
This is so sweet of you.
Clarence is such a fixture, the station isn't the same without him.
You find the time to come here while the rest of those bums at the station don't even send me a card.
Actually, Clarence, there's an explanation for that.
Make the music stop! You see, the others at the station don't know you the way I do.
Well, listen, you get yourself well.
I miss seeing you every time I walk by the place you tend to be.
Niles! What are you doing? Looking at these babies, wondering if I made the right decision.
- Niles - Look at them! They're healthy, beautiful, lovable Flammable.
Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought.
- Hey, what are you guys doing here? - Arleen! And this must be Yes, little Nathan.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
We both want to thank you guys again.
Would one of you like to hold him? Yes, I would.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Yes, why shouldn't you cry? Everything's so new to you So much life to live - No, you've got his leg bent back.
- Oh, God! I'm sorry.
Well, see you, guys.
Say "hi" to your dad for me.
- Perhaps I made the right decision.
- I'd say so.
Ready to go?