Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s02e04 Episode Script

Oh How much longer? Well, they're usually here by now.
If they're going to keep on taking and bringing your telly back, then get a firm that's more punctual.
They're not so bad averaged out over the year.
Once, when I had a bad run with the gee-gees, they kept it in for four weeks.
They used to let me go round and watch in the workshop.
Don't know how he's got the blasted cheek.
Practice.
Oh, they said they were glad to, it were cheaper than running it back and forth.
Have you ever thought of keeping up the payments? Oh, aye, we all have these rash moments when we've had a few, don't we? But the next morning it's back to reality.
I don't know why they bother with him.
Huh! They must need a customer like him like they need watercress in a jockstrap.
I understand that his influence dates from the time when he caught the manager adjusting a horizontal hold on her from the record counter.
Aye, in broad daylight, during the dinner hour on the test bench.
Cor! I didn't half get a touch of the static, and I'd only nipped in for him to solder this earring for me ferret.
Ah, there we are! Ah, have they sent thee, then, Eric? Yes, they bloody have.
Eric's a qualified engineer.
Well done, Eric.
He did it all at night school.
Highly commendable.
Yeah, it was him what soldered all my earrings for my ferrets.
Not everybody would.
They won't do it again, though.
Why not? Well, the monkey bit him.
Have I got to carry it, then? One player, three spectators? You know we'd like to help thee, Eric, but it's a question of the insurance.
You're the only one covered.
Since he's been qualified he don't like these labouring jobs.
You're not so keen on them, either.
Aye.
But he wasn't qualified.
Where's that blonde kid? He's been bringing it lately.
Fell off the stupid roof, didn't he? "Let me fix the aerial," he said.
So now he's got a pot on, he's been grounded.
TOGETHER: Oh! Ah! Nora Batty, my true love! My own little mint humbug.
He gets dafter.
She spoke to me! You heard her, she spoke to me! All right, take it downstairs, Eric, you know where it goes.
Oh! My little Nora Dora.
Don't you come near me! What with one thing and another, he leads a fairly full and active life.
He's about as much use to the community as whooping cough.
Why does he keep chasing that woman? I expect because it's more fun than actually catching her.
I shall fetch my husband.
Oh, Nora, come out of that woolly jumper and them baggy drawers Oh! And show the world the real thee! Oh, the way he embarrasses people.
And it's entirely self-taught.
He's never had a lesson in his life.
There he is! He's been on about me drawers again.
Tell him! Well, say something to him! How do, Compo? All right.
Don't chat to him! Terrify him! I brought you out here to frighten him! Oh, I see they've brought your television back.
Aye.
But they were late, though.
It's that Eric, he's a bit bolshy.
Eh, I heard that! Oh, that Eric? Are you going to let him do what he likes with me? What's to like about it? Ask him.
Ask him if he's aware that he's lewd and obscene.
Course he's aware! Everybody knows he's lewd and obscene, don't they? Aye, it's common knowledge.
How's your pigeons? Not so clever this season.
Don't you care? Don't you care?! Course I care, woman! I don't spend all that bloody money on corn for 'em to come rolling home after everybody else's! Oh, get in! He don't know how lucky he is to have a woman to care for him and carry him about like that.
I think he's in love again, Cyril.
You can always tell when his teeth go that funny colour, white.
You don't think he's cleaning them again, do you? Oh, my God, here we go.
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS He's pushing his luck a bit with the new librarians.
It's blowing in the wind, Jones.
It sounds like music, Miss Probert.
It is music, the sound of liberation.
This is the age of liberation, Jones.
What is it? The age of liberation, Miss Probert? A few years ago, you'd have been the slave of some male.
Do you really think so, Miss Probert? Definitely.
You'd have been nothing more than a sexual object.
How fortunate to have escaped such a humiliation.
The plaything of some masculine oaf.
Instead of which I'm free, lonely, and a librarian.
You are not lonely, Jones.
You are liberated! You've got the fellowship of the movement, the comradeship of every emancipated brother female.
Oh, goody.
You like men? I can't help it! Well, of course you can help it, Jones! Our chairwoman did.
She went through the minefield of divorce for the love of a lady traffic warden.
It's that simple response to the call of duty which distinguishes our movement, Jones.
I was very fond of Mr Prothero.
I even felt a sort of gentle affection for his strangely non-symmetrical legs.
Commit yourself to us, Jones, and I promise you this - you'll find many amongst us with non-symmetrical legs.
Some cheeky hound's got a wireless on in here.
I thought I could hear music, Miss Probert.
You You great! You great dozy librarian, I nearly dropped it! You have dropped it - the clanger I've been waiting for.
I've had my eye on you, you're out.
These gentlemen will vouch for me, I was just sitting there Out! Perusing through your educational literature Now! When suddenly, this complete stranger come up and put this tranny on my hand.
Unsolicited music on library premises.
That's typical masculine arrogance.
Out! Come on, lads, I'm appealing to you.
I don't find it very appealing, do you? Who is he? Oh, come on, don't muck about.
Out! Don't ask me, I've never seen him before.
His head's a funny shape.
Will you get out, or do I have to use my power under the by-laws? You're a rotten lot! I mean, what do we know about him except that he likes twinkly music? He reminded me of somebody.
That's exactly the epitaph that I'd like on my gravestone.
He knows how to wear clothesout.
Hello, hello, hello, he's given himself up for fingerprinting.
Perhaps it's his initial.
Just as I thought! You're all together, you're an organised gang.
Get out! If you hadn't put it on so loud I'm disappointed in thee.
Tha let me down.
Well, we got thrown out at the same time as you.
It's humiliating for a man of my background.
It's your foreground that's noticeable these days.
Tha didn't get thrown out wi' me, tha got thrown out after.
They stood there, Sid, and they let me down.
A disused mineshaft, I hope? Oh, you an' all, eh? Eh? Nobody wants me.
What's up with him? Bit of a funny time.
What, 27 minutes past? He's in love again.
Oh, hell.
I can hear thee.
Who's the lucky frauline this time? He generally picks some right snorters.
Hey! But then, don't we all? Are you going to stand there all day? What is it, a lady's excuse me? There's no excuse for you, you big shapeless buttock.
What have you done today, eh? Just what have you done? Apart from stroking that bus conductress? I was merely removing a coffee stain off her uniform.
You can remove your clever self round here and get this rubbish shifted.
Is there a fly there, Sid? I can't see any fly.
There must be a fly, else why would he be behaving like that? Oh, I know what he's up to.
Him and his coffee stains.
She must be a sloppy drinker if she got one round there! "Is there a fly there, Sid?" Thank you very much.
Listen, if it's stains you're after You've dropped me in it now.
Will you kindly tell us why we never see you messing about with him, eh? Cleaning him up? You must be joking.
Don't you like a challenge? Hello, hello, hello.
Eh, tha can put them down.
Them's private and personal.
I took them with our Barry's instant thingy.
I had to.
Why? Well, I asked her for a photo, but she wouldn't give me one.
Only because she doesn't like you, it wasn't anything personal.
Not like him? She can't stand him! High on her list of untouchables.
He comes somewhere between cobwebs in corners and defective drains.
I'm going to wear her down with the power of my passion.
He must be crackers.
She's a bigger nag than my missus.
I can't help it if I hear music whenever she goes by.
Music? Her? Must be mood music, all bad.
He's up to something, all impetuous in Wellington boots.
If we were dead nosy, you see, we probably would've followed him.
Hey, have? Well! RADIO: 'Now, you late night lovers, here's a request for Nora.
'No address, I'm afraid, just a signature - "lonely brown eyes".
'Well, lonely brown eyes, spelled A-Y-E-S, there's a novelty, I'm afraid we can't possibly enter into a discussion over the air of matters of this, if I may say so, degree of frankness.
I'm sure you'll understand.
And before you embark on any of several of your secret wishes as outlined here, our advice to you is get yourself a good solicitor, but thanks for listening.
And here for you, lonely brown eyes, and it's not difficult to see why, for the delectable, and "right fetching even if her stockings are crinkled," Nora, your request.
HE MOUTHS ALONG TO RADIO # Some enchanted evening # You may see a stranger # You may see a stranger # Ah! Get off! Get off! KNOCKING Oh, it's Nora, she's getting through to me! All right, Nora, don't worry, I'm coming! I'm coming, Nora, don't go away, I'm coming! Don't worry, I'm coming, I'm coming! 'Ere, and you two behave yourself an' all.
All right, I'm coming! KNOCKING CONTINUES Oh, my lovely Nora! I hear thee, I hear thee! What the hell you doing, y'daft ha'p'orth? Shut that door! If she wakes up before I get a start, I'm dead.
Is she in bed already? Don't you let her stay up and listen to the radio? She does just as she likes.
Listen, you don't mind if I get dressed, do you? I daren't risk it in our house.
She's got ears like The inside of a flower! A bloody Alsatian! I had a job on, sneaking out with me clothes.
You've got to help me, Compo.
I'm not helping thee if tha's doing anything behind her back.
I have nothing but the greatest respect for your missus.
I respect her! In fact, she terrifies me! So if you're playboying around with other women, I'm not lifting a finger to break your Nora's heart.
Here y'are.
"Other women"? All I want in this world is a bit of quiet and a few pigeons.
I'm going back to me mam.
I've had enough.
I'm leaving home! You're leaving home? Come here! Go in, Wally, sit down.
'Ere No, Wally, sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
You're leaving her? Yes! Next door? Yes! On her own? Yes! But of course I'll help you, Wally, of course I'll help you! What do you think friends are for? If I can get to me mam's, I'm safe.
Aye! # Some enchanted evening # You may see a stranger # Ahhh! What's up? Oh, God.
Oh, I thought for a minute she was here.
Ah, that's me ferrets.
Do as you're told.
Here y'are, put your arm in, Wally.
Wally, put your arm in! D'you get Wally! HE SNORES Oh Oh! You on your own again? Yes.
I thought he might be with you.
No, I haven't seen him.
Nearly a week now.
Yes.
Much better, of course, without him.
Oh, yes, lots of fun.
Anyway, it saves on fags.
I must say, without him the standard of debate is immeasurably higher.
By God, it is, yes.
I mean, look what we discussed yesterday, in depth, for three hours - the implications of a reduction in the bank rate.
Is that what it was, three hours? Yes.
The time just goes, you see.
Whizzes by, doesn't it? Like a snail up a drainpipe.
Three hours! I thought it was a week.
Well, it wouldn't drag if we had the right topic.
That's all we want, is the right topic.
Fancy Wally Batty leaving home.
And I don't mean gossip.
We don't need gossip, people of our intelligence.
We need livening up.
I see that young lady has got a touch of the spring again.
I should think so.
Like a holiday for her.
No Compo Simmonite scattering fag ends and crumbs round her reference section.
Is that all it takes? I wonder if he realises how much happiness he spreads just by keeping out of the road.
I understand they've discovered oil in Derbyshire.
Fancy Just small amounts.
Well, it's full of holes, anyway.
What is? Derbyshire.
Well, isn't everything? Yes, I suppose it is, really.
I mean, take the unions.
Again? My feelings exactly.
We hear too much about them.
Trade union movement indeed! It's a movement, all right, and for the last three years we've heard nothing but diarrhoea.
Hm What's wrong? Well, it's just not my kind of topic, Cyril.
Well then, tell me what is.
All right.
Something quieter.
Such as what? Go on, tell me and we'll begin.
All right.
Subject, the intervention of the gods in human affairs called incarnation.
Are you with me? Now, suppose it's happening all the time but we just don't recognise it? Now, here's God trying to get through to us, and we're not listening.
Maybe He comes as all sorts.
I mean, why always as a person? He's got all these other species to look after, an' all.
I mean, perhaps sometimes He comes as a bird or a little furry creature or even as a greenfly, and all we're doing is going round with the insecticide.
What kind of a topic is that? Well, there you are, you see? We're too far apart.
We need somebody between us, however scruffy he is.
Huh! And let's face it, he is.
Yes.
Yes.
You see, he gives us a sort of meeting ground in the middle.
I wonder what he's up to.
Grimy little hermit.
It's really none of our business, which I always think makes it that much more interesting.
How do, lads? Somebody's been going round this area doing up tatty old men.
I don't believe it.
How did they get him out of them old trousers without an anaesthetic? Don't go on with the rattle! It's nowt special.
Not even my best suit.
Do you mean there's more than one? They belonged to her husband.
He left her the house.
I may say, it's not a bad fit.
The pockets were full of pigeon coal, but other than that, it weren't in bad nick.
She gave 'em to me.
I think she's gone off him.
Well, listen, smoothie, aren't you going to ask us in? Well, only for a minute, then.
I've got an appointment, tha sees.
Come on.
That's what I like, a warm welcome(!) We haven't come for your telly, you know! I give her a hand with the heavy work, and she helps me with the house.
Heavy work? You? The phantom employment avoider of the social security? They seek him here, they seek him there.
Ah, me and Nora have got to stick together.
We're the only two left on this row.
Which reminds me, I have an appointment in a minute.
I'm expected for morning cocoa.
Very space-age.
Yeah, that were Wally's.
She gave it to him for his birthday.
She said I might as well wear it.
Getting you broken into her schedule, is she? Don't you worry about me! Something very sinister about all this, him becoming hygienic overnight.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, lads, you've called at a very awkward time.
I've got to go.
And she is very particular about time, is Nora.
# Some enchanted evening You'll meet the Lone Ranger # Ta.
I'll see you sometime, lads.
And he's wearing a collar and tie! Get away! Aye.
And not the one he usually wears to keep up the tops of his trousers.
How's he keeping them up, then? He's wearing Wally's suits.
Oh, the cheeky monkey.
I've heard of stepping into another bloke's shoes, but And he's wearing THEM, an' all.
Oh, stone me! If that in't a liberty! Well, liberty's about the last thing it is.
She's nearly got him on a lead already.
I can't understand him.
He's going to be indistinguishable from any other trained domestic performer.
Hm.
Hey, d'you mind? We've still got our pride, y'know.
It's only the nerve that's gone.
Sorry.
I know I've not always been complimentary to him, especially when downwind of his feet, but I have no wish to see him going to a fate worse than death with a smile on his stupid face.
I wonder if he IS in all that deep, or whether he's up to something.
I know he was untidy, but you've got to admit that with proper training he could be a real devious little twot.
There was something about that wink he gave us.
His eye were bloodshot.
No, it was something else.
I think we ought to have a word with Wally Batty, husband and escapee.
He may have the key to this lot.
It might help if we knew why he left home.
Hey, you've only got to take one look at Nora to know why he left home.
Oh, yes? Motionless again? What do you think you are, the spirit of passive resistance? Oh, go on, get back through.
I'm coming.
Coming? You've been coming all day.
If you stick there much longer, they'll be posting flamin' bills on you.
Hey! Watch this space.
How can I? It's always stuck to a flamin' chair! Hey, if you do see Wally Batty, ask him has he got any tips on how he escaped.
Oh, you've come, have you? CROCKERY SMASHES SHOUTING They say ivy'll grow on anything.
She's never grown on me! She loves him really.
So he says.
It used to be once a fortnight.
I don't know how he's doing these days.
Another? Nay, come on, it must be my round.
No, get them down you, Wally.
What more can a man ask for, eh? A few drinks and two good listeners.
Good health.
Cheers.
How's your poultry? They're pigeons.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm sure.
# Some enchanted evening You may see a stranger # You may see a stra # A stranger Across a cro # Room # You ARE going back to your wife, then? Oh, aye.
In another day or so.
I just had to have a good rest.
Didn't Compo tell you? He knows you're going back? Oh, aye! I told him t'night I left.
# Some enchanted evening # KNOCK AT DOOR Hoo-hoo, that's her! # You may see a stranger # 'Ey up, now come on, clear off.
I'm expecting company.
He's expecting company.
Fancy! Yes, you'll have to clear off.
It's private.
I bet it is! Saucy little devil.
Look, I've got a Chinese meal in that oven that cost me half a quid.
Big spender.
You've done it now.
It's marriage she's after.
I told you, don't you worry about me! He thinks he's safe from matrimony because Wally is coming back.
He's got no scruple whatsoever.
And he's also run out of luck, because we have just left Wally Batty at the airport.
Divorce papers in the post.
Never coming back again.
Gone forever.
Decided to stay and enjoy his freedom.
He's only gone to see his pigeons.
Via New Zealand? Hasn't he gone a funny colour? He doesn't look well, does he? Oh, Nora Oh, bloody hell! THEY HUM THE WEDDING MARCH NO! No, not that.
You'll have to get me out of it! Oh, my little Nora darling, you are irresistible! Ohhh! Get him off! Don't you come near me! My God, he's had a relapse! Come on, love, I've reserved t'back bedroom for you! Come on.
Oh, no! Yes, yes! DOOR SLAMS Oh, Gawd Oh, dear.
And I had it all lined up, an' all.
How far did you think you were going to get on a handful of beanshoots? Well, I've got some wine.
We know.
And that's not too clever, either.
Do you think he's let it breathe? Breathe? I should think it's been inhaling near his ferrets.
I made it meself.
I took me wellies off! You rotten lot! Wally's back! I just seen him! Did you hear that, Cyril? I should think they heard that in Huddersfield.
Ah, listen, there's the two what you want to throw out.
They scoffed my Chinese meal and ruined my sex life!