Roseanne s02e04 Episode Script

ALL RIGHTY.
I CARRY TIME, NEWSWEEK, ESQUIRE, VOGUE, FORBES, AND BUSINESS WEEK.
NO, I DON'T CARRY RICHIE RICH.
YEAH, WELL, I'M SORRY, SWEETIE, BUT YOUR MOMMY'S A BIG FAT LIAR.
ROSEANNE.
I'M IN THE SOLARIUM.
HEY, YOU'RE HOME.
WHAT'S LEFT OF ME.
WELL, ALLS YOU NEED YOUR BUTT AND EYES TO GO THE MOVIES.
AW.
FORGET ABOUT THE MOVIES, I GOT TOO MUCH WORK.
HEY, YOU PROMISED.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO HATE ME THEN, WON'T YOU? HONEY, I'M YOUR WIFE.
I ALREADY HATE YOU.
MOM, DARLENE USED MY HAIRBRUSH AGAIN.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BOTHERING ME WHEN I'M RAGGING ON YOUR DAD? WELL, WHEN WILL YOU BE DONE? NEVER.
DAN HONEY, I GOT THREE HOURS OF WORK TO DO.
OK, SO WE'LL GO TO THE MOVIES, THEN WE'LL COME HOME, AND I'LL DO IT IN ONE HOUR.
FORGET ABOUT IT.
OH, COME ON.
DAN, THIS IS MY FINAL OFFER-- WE GO TO THE MOVIES, WHICH I'VE REALLY HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO EVER SINCE YOU PROMISED ME-- UGH, THE OLD GUILT SHOT.
THEN TOMORROW, I'LL COME DOWN TO WORK AND I'LL STRAIGHTEN OUT YOUR LIFE, AS USUAL.
I CAN'T JUST BRING YOU DOWN THERE.
SURE YOU CAN.
WHAT'S EVERYONE GOING TO SAY? GET THAT GORGEOUS BROAD OUT OF HERE, SHE'S GETTING US ORGANIZED? THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO HIRE SOMEBODY.
WELL, THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T.
WELL WISH I COULD.
COME ON, DAN, IT'S 20 TO 8:00.
YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME HERE.
WE COULD DO THAT TRICK WITH THE POPCORN BOX.
SO THEY'RE GOING AT IT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW-- AHEM.
HI, HONEY.
YOU GENTS READY TO DO SOME ACTUAL WORK? NOT REALLY, BUT WE DON'T MIND WATCHING.
SEE YOU LATER, BABE.
KISS, KISS.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE GUYS.
KISS, KISS.
SHUT UP! GOOD MORNING.
THIS IS ROSEANNE AT THE MAGAZINE DISCOUNT HOUSE.
SINCE YOU'RE A PREFERRED CUSTOMER IF WE DON'T HAVE THOSE BULLDOZERS HERE THIS AFTERNOON, I'LL HAVE TO TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.
AM I MAKING MYSELF UNDERSTOOD? DAMN.
HI.
HI.
YOU MUST BE THE NEW GIRL.
OH, NEW AT WHAT? WELL, WHO HIRED YOU? NOBODY, I'M JUST HERE FOR THE DAY HELPING OUT MY HUSBAND DAN.
HE'S DOING THE DRYWALL.
OH, YEAH, DAN.
HE IS TERRIFIC.
DRIVES THE BLUE PICK-UP.
YEAH, WELL, STATUS IS EVERYTHING IN LANFORD.
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU HAPPENED UPON A BUILDING AND SAFETY CERTIFICATE? OH, YEAH.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
HEY, I AM IMPRESSED.
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
OH, I'M BURT DRUCKER.
OH, YOU'RE THE ARCHITECT.
WORD'S OUT.
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
ROSEANNE.
ROSEANNE.
IT'S A NICE NAME.
YEAH, IT MEANS UNDERPAID.
SO, UH, HOW MUCH ARE THEY PAYING YOU? NOTHING.
I TOLD YOU, I'M JUST HERE FOR THE DAY HELPING OUT.
WELL, UH, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FULL-TIME WORK? WHY, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A FULL-TIME SECRETARY? WELL, I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY, BUT IT'S ONLY FOR SIX WEEKS.
SO, UH, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WORKING HERE? WELL, DEPENDS ON WHAT IT PAYS.
I COULDN'T TAKE LESS THAN $9.
00 AN HOUR.
PAYS 12.
I COULD LIVE WITH THAT.
YOU'RE HIRED.
SO, YOU THINK THE COOKIES ARE READY? THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
LET'S SEE.
AHH.
OK, WE'RE HOME.
STOP WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE DOING.
HI.
HI.
HI.
THEY'RE PERFECT.
HEY, NOT BEFORE YOU'VE HAD YOUR DINNER.
SO, HOW'D IT GO? I GOT MYSELF A NEW JOB! CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA BE COMING HOME THIS LATE EVERY NIGHT? ONLY FOR SIX WEEKS.
YAY! YAY! WOO-HOO! JACKIE, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP HERE HOLDING DOWN THE HOMEFRONT.
NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE LITTLE BEGGARS.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT EATING COOKIES BEFORE YOU HAD DINNER? TO USE A PLATE.
RIGHT.
DARLENE.
HOMEWORK.
DID IT.
YEAH? LET'S SEE IT.
I WISH YOU WORKED NIGHTS.
I DO WORK NIGHTS.
AS A WARDEN, REMEMBER? I NEED YOU GUYS TO HELP ME CLEAN UP THE LIVING ROOM BECAUSE WE ARE HAVING COMPANY FOR DINNER.
WHO? A GUY.
UH-OH, HERE WE GO.
UH-OH IS RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS GUY, JACKIE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW MY INSTINCTS ABOUT MEN ARE PERFECT USUALLY.
ROSEANNE, WHO IS THIS GUY? SUPPOSEDLY, HE'S AN ARCHITECT.
AND HE'S SINGLE, AND HE'S BREATHING, AND HE'S HETEROSEXUAL.
OH, SURE, BUILD UP MY HOPES.
AND HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
ARE YOU KIDDING? LOOK AT ME.
NO PROBLEM, HE LOVES GREASY-HAIRED WOMEN WITH NO MAKEUP.
AWW.
OH, JUST RELAX.
I TOLD HIM TO COME AS IS.
YOU LOOK FINE.
NO.
I AT LEAST HAVE TO COMB MY HAIR.
MOM! CAN I GO TO THE LANFORD-BUCHANAN GAME ON SATURDAY WITH JOHN ERDMAN? HE'S GOT HIS LICENSE, AND HIS PARENTS ARE GONNA LET HIM THEIR THUNDERBIRD, BUT IF HE WRECKS IT, HE'S GOTTA PAY FOR IT OUT OF THE MONEY HE MAKES THIS SUMMER.
CONDENSE THAT, AND RE-SUBMIT IT IN THE MORNING.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
MOM? YEAH, YOU CAN GO.
THANKS.
I'LL GET IT.
DARLENE, YOU'RE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR.
YEAH, RIGHT.
I AIN'T KIDDING, DARLENE.
HELLO, NICE MAN.
WELCOME TO OUR WONDERFUL HOME.
HI, BURT.
HEY, SORRY I'M EARLY.
YOU'RE NOT EARLY.
THANK YOU.
YES, I AM.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HARP ON IT.
I HAVE A TENDENCY TO HARP ON THINGS.
NOT FOR TOO LONG, JUST LONG ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO QUERY.
QUIT QUERYING AT HIM AND SAY HI TO MR.
DRUCKER.
BURT.
THIS IS BECKY AND THAT'S DARLENE.
HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.
HEY, BURT! CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK? I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU HAVE ANY DIET BLACK BERRY SODA? WE JUST RAN OUT.
LET ME SEE WHAT WE DO HAVE.
WE GOT BEER, WE GOT COLA, WE GOT WINE.
[BUZZ.]
SORRY, BURT.
TIME'S UP.
THIS DAMN REFRIGERATOR.
AND THIS IS MY SISTER, TINA TURNER.
TINA, SAY HI TO BURT DRUCKER.
HI, BURT.
I'M JACKIE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
OH! A CUP.
WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN AND RELAX? JACKIE.
WHAT? OH, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST SAYING YOUR NAME.
OH.
ROSEANNE JACKIE.
GOT A GREAT MEMORY, HUH? ROSEANNEJACKIE BECKY DANDARLENE AND D.
J.
NOW THAT WE'VE TAKEN ROLL HIYA, D.
J.
I'M YOUR UNCLE BURT.
YOU AREN'T MY UNCLE.
OH, I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY NIECES OR NEPHEWS OF MY OWN.
COULDN'T I JUST PRETEND? NO.
YOUR KIDS ARE GREAT, ROSEANNE.
YOU KNOW I REALLY LOVE CHILDREN.
SO, YOU LOOKING TO GET MARRIED, BURT? WELL, YEAH.
YEAH.
I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN CLOSE A COUPLE TIMES.
EVEN GOT STOOD UP AT THE ALTAR ONCE.
THAT IS SO SAD.
CRUSHING'S MORE LIKE IT.
HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU, JACKIE? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED? NO.
I'M FORBIDDEN TO MARRY.
IT'S A RELIGIOUS THING.
WELL, I'M GOING TO KEEP ON TRYING.
GOOD.
I MEAN, I REALLY LOVE THE IDEA OF FAMILY.
BARBECUES AND COOKOUTS AND HOLIDAYS, GETTING UP EARLY ON SATURDAY MORNINGS SO THE KIDS CAN WATCH CARTOONS.
SOMETHING TELLS ME, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN PUKED ON BY A TWO-YEAR-OLD.
I'VE NEVER HAD A FAMILY BEFORE.
I MEAN, A REAL FAMILY.
YEAH.
D.
J.
, REMEMBER THIS ALL YOUR LIFE, BECAUSE THESE MOMENTS ARE PRECIOUS.
BEING HERE WITH YOUR MOM, AND YOUR DAD AND YOUR SISTERS.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHERE I GREW UP? I GREW UP IN A BIG STERILE MANSION.
YOU KNOW WHO GAVE ME MY DINNER? BUTLERS.
MAIDS.
PEOPLE MY PARENTS HIRED BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY TRAVELING AROUND THE WORLD TO SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL I WAS IN SEVENTH GRADE THAT MY DAD HAD A PROSTHETIC KNEE? A PROSTHETIC KNEE, D.
J.
HE GOT IT PLAYING COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
BUT DO YOU THINK HE'D SO MUCH AS TOSS THE BALL AROUND WITH ME? NO.
SHOO! NO, IS RIGHT.
I FIGURED.
THIS IS I MEAN, THIS IS GREAT! ROSEANNE.
DAN-O! HEY.
I JUST I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU I MEAN, DO YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? NO, NO.
ROSEANNE? DO YOU REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE ALL OF THESE BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE? JACKIE.
BECKY.
DARLENE.
AND D.
J.
LITTLED.
J.
YEAH, YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO PICK THEM.
OH, DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL.
BURT IS UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, AND PLUS, HE'S AWAY FROM HOME.
HOME IS THE KEY WORD THERE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THAT MAN BELONGS, IN A HOME.
WHY, BECAUSE HE SHOWED A LITTLE EMOTION? I CAN'T BELIEVE I WORE A MINISKIRT IN FRONT OF THAT GUY.
COME ON, JACKIE, YOU KNOW IF HE WOULD'VE SAT THERE TELLING RAUNCHY JOKES ALL NIGHT AND PARKED UP ON MY FRONT LAWN, YOU'D BE ENGAGED.
THE WHOLE DAMN DEFENSE IS ON THE D.
L.
THIS IS DAN CONNER FOR MIKE DITKA.
YEAH.
I'LL HOLD.
I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM LAST NIGHT.
I WAS ON MY WAY TO OZ WITH D.
J.
AND TOTO.
AND THE WICKED WITCH LOOKED IN HER CRYSTAL BALL, AND BURT DRUCKER WAS ONE OF THEM FLYING MONKEYS.
SEE? I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS INSENSITIVITY.
CAN'T A PERSON BE VULNERABLE WITHOUT HAVING TO BE CRUCIFIED? IN THIS HOUSE? YOU KNOW, IT TOOK A LOT OF GUTS FOR BURT TO SAY SOME OF THE THINGS HE SAID.
I'LL SAY.
THAT GUY'S A REAL CHEESEDOG IN A HARD-HAT.
HUH, LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'LL GET IT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE COFFEE? I WOULD LOVE SOME.
ME, TOO.
JACKIE, TWO COFFEES.
WHOA.
AWESOME.
WHAT THE HELL? WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLY COW! UH, SIR, I THINK YOU GOT THE WRONG HOUSE.
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
UH, UH "THANKS FOR DINNER.
" OH, MY GOD.
WHO'S IT FROM? YOUR UNCLE BURT.
OH, MY GOD.
WE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.
MOM, ARE YOU CRAZY? WHERE DO YOU WANT IT? BACK ON YOUR TRUCK.
YOU GOT IT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
IT'S HERE.
THIS IS REALLY SWEET, BURT, BUT WE CAN'T ACCEPT IT.
WELL, SURE YOU CAN.
HEY, TIME IS MONEY.
TAKE IT AWAY! NO, NO, NO.
JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING RIGHT HERE, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
LAST NIGHT WAS VERY SPECIAL FOR ME, AND, WELL I WANTED TO THANK YOU IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY.
BURT, ARE YOU GOING TO NEED A HANDKERCHIEF AGAIN? YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE MY SISTER, TOO.
IS THAT STRANGE? FOR YOU? NO.
SO I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
I BROUGHT OVER SOME OF MY LAUNDRY.
PRETTY TACKY, DON'T YOU THINK? I KNOW YOU'D NEVER SAY THAT TO ME, BUT BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
SO, WHAT'S ON THE TUBE? VISITOR FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
HEY, YOU WANT TO THROW THOSE IN THE WASHER FOR YOUR UNCLE BURT? NO STARCH, OK? OH, LISTEN TO ME.
SOME NERVE I HAVE.
WHOA, BURT, WHOA! DARLENE, FREEZE! GIVE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH, JUST LEAVE IT HERE, BURT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
SOWHAT'S EVERYBODY DOING TODAY? UH WE DO WELL, SATURDAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY.
IT'S REALLY NOT A GOOD DAY.
IT'S SHOPPING, COOKING, CLEANING [SINGING THE 1812 OVERTURE.]
WELL, YOU HAD ENOUGH OF ME YET? UH-HUH.
KIDS GET TIRED OF ME FASTER.
MOM, CAN I TAKE A BATH, PLEASE? YES.
GREAT.
KIDS ARE-- ARE SO PURE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME OUTSIDE? "BURT, I HATE YOU.
" WELL, HE PROBABLY HEARD IT FROM BECKY AND DARLENE.
THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS FAMILY.
YOU'RE ALL SO OPEN AND HONEST.
BURT, SIT DOWN.
NO, AT THE TABLE! THIS OK? PERFECT.
BURT, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? YOU MEAN OBNOXIOUS? NOT JUST THE OBNOXIOUS THING, BUT THE RELENTLESS NEEDY THING, TOO.
MOST PEOPLE ARE TOO PROUD TO ADMIT THAT THEY'RE NEEDY.
I MEAN, I TELL YOU THIS WITH EVERY BIT OF HONESTY IN MY BEING.
I HAVE NO PRIDE.
AND I BELIEVE THAT, BURT.
I GUESS PEOPLE JUST CAN'T HANDLE THAT.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR IN LIFE WITHOUT SOMEBODY JUST DRIVING A BIG OL' STAKE THROUGH YOUR HEAD? WELL, GO FIGURE.
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO A SHRINK, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT? OH, YEAH, BELIEVE ME, I USED TO BE REALLY MESSED UP.
WELL, DO YOU WANT US TO HATE YOU? NO, I WANT TO BE LOVED JUST AS MUCH AS EVERYONE ELSE.
I'M JUST LOUSY AT DOING WHATEVER IT IS PEOPLE DO TO GET LOVED.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IN MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE NEVER REALLY HAD ONE REAL FRIEND.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
ROSIE, NOW! STAY.
IS THAT ANY WAY TO TALK TO A GUEST? HE OFFERED TO GET BECKY A MASTERCARD.
HE'S GOT TO GO.
NO, HE DOESN'T, DAN.
WHAT? WHAT? HE'S A HUMAN BEING.
YOU GOT PROOF OF THAT? AND HE HAS NEEDS.
NEEDS? NEEDS? HE NEEDS TO GET OUR KIDS CREDIT? WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THIS? JUST CALM DOWN.
I'M MAKING SOME HEADWAY.
I THINK I CAN HAVE HIM OUT OF HERE BY FEBRUARY.
HE'S OUT OF HERE TONIGHT.
HE'S OUT NOW.
WHAT DID HE DO THAT WAS SO WRONG? HE GAVE YOU A JOB, AND HE GAVE ME A JOB.
HE TRIED TO GIVE US A REFRIGERATOR, AND THE ONLY THING HE WANTS FROM US IS A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE AND AFFECTION, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE ONLY THING WE CAN AFFORD TO GIVE.
YOU KNOW, DAN, WE ARE CHILDREN OF THE SIXTIES, AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE EVERYBODY, REMEMBER? JUST DO IT FOR ME.
GO AHEAD AND HATE YOUR NEIGHBOR GO AHEAD AND CHEAT A FRIEND BURT, YOU WANT SOME COFFEE? TO GO, RIGHT? NO, TO STAY.
YEAH, I'D LOVE TO.
WE'RE TAKING THE KIDS TO THE MOVIES LATER.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US.
BUT? NO BUTS.
ONE BUT.
IF YOU'RE OUR GUEST, THAT MEANS YOU GOT TO BE OUR GUEST.
THAT MEANS NO BUYING US DINNER, NO BUYING US MAJOR HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES, AND NO ESTABLISHING CREDIT CARDS FOR THE KIDS.
YOU GUYS ARE TERRIFIC.
I MEAN, I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE QUITE LIKE YOU BEFORE.
WE NEVER MET NOBODY LIKE YOU NEITHER, BURT.
I MEAN, I'VE INVADED YOUR PRIVACY.
I'M RUINING YOUR WEEKEND.
I'VE ALIENATED YOUR KIDS.
AND JUST THINK, YOU HARDLY KNOW US.
DAN ROSEANNE, THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST NIGHT-- THE BEST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE.
I WANT TO THANK YOU IN THE ONLY WAY I CAN SEE FIT.
I'M LEAVING.
BURT DON'T--DON'T TOY WITH US.
I MEAN, YOU'VE RENEWED MY FAITH IN HUMANITY.
AS YOU MIGHT GUESS, I'M PRETTY BAD AT GOODBYES.
I'LL SEE YOU AT WORK.
I CAN'T DO IT.
OH, THAT'S OK, BURT.
AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
BECKY, DARLENE, COME ON.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MALL WITH UNCLE BURT! GIVE IT TO JACKIE.
HELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH IT.
ALL I KNOW IS MY BACK HURTS.
YOU THINK I DON'T FEEL LIKE A [BLEEP.]
.
DAMN, THIS THING'S HEAVY.
OH! SHUT UP! TWIST ON IT.
NO, TURN IT THIS WAY.
JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE HITTING THE [BLEEP.]
TABLE.
[BLEEP.]
THE TABLE.
OPEN THE DOOR! WAIT A MINUTE! GET OFF MY [BLEEP.]
FOOT.
OHH! YOU GOTTA PULL IT STRAIGHT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
'CAUSE WE HAVE TO MAKE A BIG [BLEEP.]
TURN HERE.
OK, HELP ME OUT HERE.
HELP STRAIGHTEN ME OUT HERE.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT.
OK, TAKE IT BACK STRAIGHT.
STRAIGHT! OK, NOW PULL IT OUT WIDE TO THE RIGHT.
THE RIGHT! OUT THIS WAY.
OK, NOW STRAIGHTEN IT OUT.
OK.
NO! OK, COME ON.
NO! YOU'RE HITTING THE DOOR.
OK, A LITTLE MORE THIS WAY.
THIS WAY.
THIS WAY.
OK, STRAIGHT.
OK.
I'M GOING TO KILL THE [BLEEP.]
IF I EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
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