Rules of Engagement s02e04 Episode Script

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I, uh- I'm wearing the tie we used last night.
Mm-hm.
Oh, how about-? How about tonight you be the prisoner of love, huh? Well, uh Well, honey, I- My- My wrists are- Are chafed.
Oh, yeah.
No.
Yeah- Yeah, I saw the property yesterday, and I think- I think it has excellent building potential.
Yeah.
Tell your fiancée I said hi.
Russell says hi.
Ahem.
All right, I'll see you later.
Prisoner of love? Yeah, well, I got caught trespassing in her pants and convicted in sex court.
So gay.
All right, come on to my office.
Hey, Danielle.
Hi, Russell.
Listen, I wanted to talk to you about that waterfront project, all right? There's something I really need, and that is to have sex with my new assistant.
You mean, that nice girl you just didn't introduce me to? Yeah.
Sorry, I just don't want her to get too comfy.
She's not gonna be around here long.
Company policy says employees can't date.
Well, it's your dad's company.
Talk to him.
Well, that won't help.
He implemented the policy the day I started work.
Just leave me out of this.
I mean, this is a place of business.
I know, and I'm trying to get down to business.
But in order to ask her out, I have to fire her.
You can't do that.
Oh, wait, you're right.
Because if I fire her, she'll be mad at me and then she won't go out with me.
No, you- You can't do that because it's wrong.
Yes, it's wrong because I won't be getting down to business.
I get it.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Ah, ah, ah, no bacon.
Remember what the doctor said about your cholesterol.
We're really gonna listen to a guy whose business card has a cartoon bunny with a stethoscope on it? Yes.
Because one day I would like to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.
Great, another party.
What's that gonna cost me? We have 37 years to argue about it.
Let's get started.
Why so much wine? Very cute.
So listen, Katy and Ray are all set to come over for dinner on Saturday night.
I really think you're gonna like Ray.
Why? What makes Ray different than every other tool your friends married? You know, your attitude going into this really stinks.
I don't want to go into it.
So "stinks" is the right attitude.
Look, I'm just trying to expand our circle of friends to people outside of our building, okay? We can't always hang out with Adam and Jennifer.
And it's not easy to I'm sorry, what? Yeah, I said we need more couple friends.
Why do women feel the need to keep accumulating friends? After college, guys don't make new ones, we just cross old ones off the list.
Yes, and then we have no friends, and we become some weird old couple who run a lighthouse.
I like lighthouses.
They make me feel more in proportion.
You're gonna like Ray.
He works in finance, like you.
He's a Mets fan and a Jets fan.
And he also thinks guys who wear fanny packs are not to be trusted.
Has potential.
Mm-hm.
Plus he knows everything about wine and cheese, and every week he sends Katy flowers.
Potential fading.
Eat your oatmeal.
I see oats, but I don't see a meal.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Adam.
What are you doing outside of my office? Oh, I assumed Russell told you.
He said I'm your assistant now due to some sort of restructure of the corporateness.
The corporate- Corporateness? Okay, ex- Excuse me, I What are you doing? Hey, hey, congratulations, you've got a new assistant.
By the way, fire her by Friday, 'cause I got us tickets to see Journey.
You want me to do your dirty work for you.
No.
Just fire her.
I'll do me own dirty work.
I told you to leave me out of this.
Oh, come on.
I'll console her, hang out with her and have sex with her.
Everybody wins.
Only you win.
That's what I meant by "everybody.
" You know, you've overlooked one flaw in your little plan: I've always wanted an assistant.
Afraid you're out of luck, squirt.
Am I? You see, like a chess master, I'm always one move ahead.
Let me call your office.
Hot 97 rocks my world.
What the hell was that? She's trying to win a radio contest.
She's not that bright, and she needs constant validation, which are wonderful traits in a date, but problematic in an assistant.
No way.
No way, you are not gonna win this chess match.
Adam, is it all right if I take lunch now? Uh, i-it's 8:30 in the morning.
Heh! Oops.
I have my watch on upside down.
It's your move.
May I suggest pawn fires bimbo? Mm.
Well, I'm not gonna fire her, so I think the next move is Russell beats bishop.
Oh.
All right, now, take a sip of your wine.
It'll taste different than it did 10 minutes ago.
It does taste different.
Let me try.
Drink your own.
I finished it.
I liked the way it tasted 10 minutes ago.
I told you, Ray really knows his stuff.
Now, here, I want you to smell this.
I'm a fan, but, uh, Audrey hates that game.
He was talking about the cheese, Jeff.
Yes, Jeff.
Now, if you'll grow up, I'll cut the cheese.
You beat me to that one.
Jeff's off cheese, though.
We're, uh, trying to lower his cholesterol.
We're also lowering his will to live.
I'll go get us some coffee.
I'll, uh- I'll help.
Really? So you're having a good time.
Yeah, you were right.
I like Ray.
Yeah? What about Katy? Who's Katy? Yeah, she's fine, but with couple friends, I only have to like the guy.
Unless, um, we're tossing keys into a bowl at the end of the night.
Wasn't funny at our wedding, isn't funny now.
Priest laughed.
Jeff, the Knicks are in town this week, and my company has a skybox.
You two wanna come? I speak for both of us when I say yes, I'd love to go.
Me too, that's so nice.
I feel like we're going on our second date.
Well, then I'll expect more than a kiss.
Get the bowl.
Oh, my God, it's almost 9.
I totally forgot to record America's Next Top Model.
Oh, we can watch it here.
I'll go get some ice cream.
There is nothing better than eating in front of starving models.
If you two are gonna watch that, maybe Jeff and I will go to a sports bar to catch the end of the game? I think I speak for both of them when I say they would not mind.
Oh, look at you two boys, going on your first play date.
Don't ruin it.
You know, a couple may be dropping out of our summer beach house.
You guys like the beach? Yeah, but I gotta warn you about how hairy Jeff is.
Because if you're not ready, it will hit you.
Thanks for dinner, Audrey.
I look forward to seeing you at the game.
And I look forward to seeing you at home later.
Mm.
Mmm.
Hey.
Nice audible with the sports bar.
Yeah, well, if you liked that audible, you'll love this: We're really going to a strip club.
Sounds good, but I was looking forward to watching the game.
Don't worry, they'll have it on.
Great.
You know a place? Oh, yeah.
And trust me, the only thing flat in there are the TV screens.
I get that.
I think it's great Adam has an assistant.
You're gonna lose this one.
The only thing I'm gonna lose is a night of sleep when Danielle and I gets it on.
Who's that? Oh, that's Danielle.
She can't find her way out of the parking garage.
She has a car? No.
This could all end if you just fire her.
He's not gonna fire her just so you can sleep with her.
It's hard enough for women in the workplace without having to deal with stuff like this.
Oh, I am woman, hear me bore.
Look, you can't fire her.
You were so excited to have an assistant.
That's because I thought she'd make my job easier.
Well, she still can.
Just because she's attractive doesn't mean she can't learn.
Train her so she can reach her potential.
Mm.
You know, you're right.
I'll give her some guidance, I'm sure she'll be a great assistant.
So king me, chess master.
That's checkers, idiot.
Oh, hey, hon.
Oh, hey.
Did I wake you? No, I was reading.
You guys have fun watching the game? We had fun watching everything.
I'm glad you hung out with Ray.
Maybe some of his charm will rub off on you.
What just rubbed off on me? Is that glitter? Funny story.
Tell me you didn't drag Ray to a strip club.
I did not.
Jeff, he is not one of your clients.
If Katy finds out, she'll think you're a bad influence and not wanna see us.
It was Ray's idea to go.
Yeah, right.
Ray does not strike me as a strip club kind of guy.
Maybe not from the waist up.
But, uh His, uh, lap is like a dance floor.
I can't believe you're throwing Ray under the bus to save your own skin.
Hey, Ray's the one who let one of the girls complete the, uh task at hand.
What? Let's just say she tried to start a fire the old-fashioned way.
Oh, gross.
Wine-and-cheese Ray? Flowers-for-his-wife Ray? They're obviously guilt flowers.
Uh, if I ever give you flowers, that's when you should worry.
Wow.
So, what did you say to him? About what? About the fact that he cheated on Katy.
I didn't say anything.
That's between them.
So you don't care? Doesn't affect me.
Now, if Katy catches him and he loses the skybox in the divorce, that affects me.
You know, actually, Jen and I once went to a strip club together.
That's like bringing the principal with you when you play hooky.
My guess is Jen really enjoyed herself.
She did.
Not surprising.
I've always gotten kind of a lesbionic vibe from your girl.
Yeah, keep dreaming, man.
She just likes the music and the dancing- Field hockey.
Don't make me beat you with your own booster seat.
All right.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
She likes men too.
So Audrey's cool with you going to strip clubs? Eh, she knows that I'm too cheap to really enjoy them.
I mean, the girls just, you know, pretend to like you.
They just want your money.
You don't say.
Hey, you know, uh, when Jen and I went, the girls were more interested in dancing for her.
You don't say.
Oh, crap.
Who's that? Oh, that's my assistant.
I've been helping her out lately and she thinks we're friends now, so she keeps sending me pictures of her with her puppy.
That's pretty unprofessional.
That's what I say.
Fire her.
No, no.
I- I'm gonna keep her just to spite you.
Adam, as a manager, you have to make sure all your employees pull their weight.
I demand excellence from anyone who works for me.
This is her.
That's the kind of excellence I demand.
Hey, hon.
Hey.
I've been thinking Oh, boy.
What's wrong? Well, it's never, "I've been thinking we should visit every ballpark in America.
" I'm not thrilled with your, uh, casual attitude about what Ray did.
Oh, what, you're mad at me? I should look like a hero compared to him.
But you think it's all right.
I don't think anything, because it's not my business.
Plus you know I would never do what he did.
I know you wouldn't.
I mean, he had to hit the ATM twice to pay her.
I just thought you'd be a little more disgusted by his sleazy behavior.
Well, guys don't judge things other guys do.
It's separate from the friendship.
That's the code that guys live by.
That's guy code.
So under guy code you can just excuse any bad behavior just to go to a skybox? It was invented by guys.
You know, if Katy were an old friend, I would tell her, I just don't know her that well.
Even if you did, you couldn't.
Why not? Because Ray told me, and guy code demand that it go no further.
But you told me.
I'm allowed to because of marriage code.
That doesn't make any sense.
It makes perfect sense.
Guy code and marriage code can intersect.
The information I gave you is covered primarily under guy code.
So again, you can't tell Katy.
What about woman code? Don't make me laugh.
I just can't stand the thought of hanging out with Ray.
And thing's are gonna be weird with Katy now, knowing what I know about Ray and the fire-starter.
I just wish we could get out of this whole skybox thing.
You're the one who told me how hard it is to find another couple to hang out with.
Just give it another try.
Oh, fine, just keep that Ray away from me.
Good.
And if things don't work out with Ray and Katy, sound the foghorn, because it's lighthouse time.
Surprise.
Hi, honey, what are you doing here? Russell invited me to come by for lunch.
Mwah.
Surprise.
I wanted her to meet your new assistant.
Okay, I get it, you want her to be jealous, but she's not the jealous type.
Yeah.
Besides, I already know she's gonna be pretty or you wouldn't be after her.
So, what's the point in dragging me all the way down here? Oh, there she is.
That's her? She's lovely.
Yes, and she'll be working very closely with Adam.
Long hours, late nights.
Jennifer trusts me.
Yeah, completely.
Anyway, hey, nice try.
Take a walk.
All right.
The battle's over, but the war rages on.
Yeah.
Russell, thanks for the memo about Tank Top Tuesday.
Oh, my pleasure.
Don't forget about Thong Thursday.
Here are the copies you wanted.
Thank you.
Danielle, this is my fiancée, Jennifer.
It's so nice to meet you.
Sorry I hung up on you all those times.
That's okay.
By the way, Hot 97 also rocks my world.
Adam is so sweet.
No one has ever taken the time to work so closely with me.
Don't we have a great guy? Yes, we do.
Heh-heh.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
Ah.
You know, she's come such a long way in a short time.
I am so glad you convinced me to stick with her.
What's wrong? I want you to fire her.
Ray, this skybox is great.
The tickets just fell into my lap.
Your lap's been busy this week.
Take it easy.
So, Audrey, guess who they asked to be guest sommelier at my wine club this week? Who? Who do you think? Ignore him, he just wants his ego stroked.
Ha-ha-ha! It is his ego's turn now? I'm gonna go freshen my drink.
Oh, I'll come with you.
This is great, huh? You're watching the game, your wife thinks it's a date.
Oh, my God.
Fried mozzarella sticks.
You know what? Audrey's gonna have to forget about a 50th anniversary.
If she wants a party, she can throw me a lavish funeral.
So it's definite.
The other couple did drop out of the Jersey Shore house.
Did you talk to Jeff? Uh, I did, and we're not gonna be able to do it.
Why not? Jeff can't share a bathroom with other people.
Believe me, everybody wins there.
Oh Oh, sweet, delicious grease.
Keep an eye on Audrey for me, if you would.
She's still on cholesterol patrol.
What's that, Jeff? Of course I won't tell Audrey you're eating your ninth mozzarella stick.
What the hell are you doing? Jeff.
Why are you eating those, huh? What about your cholesterol? Busted.
Hee-hee! I thought I was entitled.
I've been pretty good lately.
He's been good.
He only had three baskets of onion rings the other night at the sports bar.
Oh, I give up.
Eat whatever you want.
Hey, shrimp.
Um, why did you do that? Oh, come on, man.
I'm just busting your stones.
My stones are fine.
You just broke guy code.
Oh, forget about guy code.
This was funny.
I'd never tell your wife something you didn't want her to know.
Are you talking about the other night? You wouldn't tell Katy that.
Wouldn't tell me what? Well, in the back of my mind, I always knew Ray was gonna be a tool.
Just toss him in the shed like the rest of them.
I don't know how you just stood there while he lied his way out of it.
Had to.
Guy code.
So under guy code, a guy cheats and lies, no problem? Tells your wife you're eating poorly, dead to you.
Guy code is very clear on fried cheese.
At least we still have Adam and Jennifer to hang out with.
Who's Jennifer? Hey, look, we're no worse off than we were before.
And I was pretty happy then.
Aw, thank you.
Wait till you're stuck in a lighthouse with me.
Won't be so bad.
If we get bored, we can turn off the big light and watch the ships bang into each other.
Speaking of banging into each other This is nice.
Yeah, it's like a picnic.
So every day, huh? I think it's a fair compromise.
I'm glad Danielle got my memo about Muumuu Monday.
Hot 97 rocks my world.
Oh, my God! Are you serious? That's right, little lady.
You've answered with the phrase that pays.
You've won a lot of money, so why don't you go down to your boss's office and tell him you're outta there? Check and time for me to mate.