Seinfeld s02e04 Episode Script

The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing.
You never see anybody on TV sliding off the sofa with crumbs on their face.
Some people have a little too much fun.
The soda commercial people.
Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? ''We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!'' Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.
lt's a can of soda.
Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and l'm standing there, '' Maybe l'm putting too much ice in mine.
'' So then, as we were leaving we were just kind of standing there, and she was smiling at me.
l wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out.
When women smile, l don't know what it means.
Sometimes l interpret it like they're psychotic.
l don't know if l'm supposed to smile back.
l just stood there.
Remember Quayle when Bentsen gave him the Kennedy line? That's what l looked like.
-So you didn't ask? -No.
l froze.
-Counter.
-Oh, yeah.
So wait, wait.
Half-hour later l'm back at the office.
l tell Lloyd the story.
He says, ''Why don't you call her?'' l says, '' l can't!'' l couldn't do it then.
For me to ask a woman out, l gotta get into a mental state like karate guys before they break bricks.
So then Lloyd calls me a wuss.
-He said ''wuss''? -Yeah.
Anyway, he shamed me into it.
-So you called? -Right.
And to cover my nervousness, l started eating an apple.
l think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone -makes you sound casual.
-Yeah, like a farm boy.
Right.
So l call her up, l tell her it's me.
She gives me an enthusiastic '' Hi!'' Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful.
l don't get the enthusiastic hi, l'm out of there.
So you're chewing your apple.
You got your enthusiastic hi.
We're talking.
l don't go too long before l ask them out.
l want to get it over with right away.
So l just blurt out, ''What are you doing Saturday night?'' And? She bought.
Great day in the morning.
Then l got off the phone right away.
lt's like robbing a bank.
Don't loiter in front of the teller with a bag of money.
You make your hit and get out.
We both have dates on the same night.
l can't remember the last time that happened.
l can't stand doing laundry, that's why l have 40 pairs of underwear.
-You do not.
-Absolutely.
Because instead of doing a wash, l just keep buying underwear.
My goal is to have over 360 pair.
That way, l only have to do wash once a year.
Come on, try it! Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.
-That's lrish.
-lrish, Scottish.
What's the difference, lassie? So thanks for dinner.
lt was great.
Yeah.
We should do this again.
Would you like to come upstairs for coffee? No, thanks.
l can't drink coffee at night.
lt keeps me up.
So.
Okay.
Okay.
Good night.
Yeah.
Take it easy.
-Thanks again for the movie.
-You're welcome.
l'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.
Oh, that's okay.
Unless you want to go to your place.
Okay, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.
''Take it easy.
'' ''Take it easy!'' l think if one's going to kill oneself the least you could do is leave a note.
lt's common courtesy.
l don't know.
That's just the way l was brought up.
-Values are important.
-So important.
What are you doing Thursday night? You wanna have dinner? Thursday's great.
Tan pants.
Why do l buy tan pants, Donna? l don't feel comfortable in them.
Are those cotton Dockers? l can't begin to tell you how much l hate that commercial.
Really? l like that commercial.
You like that commercial? Yeah.
lt's clever.
You mean the one where the guys are all standing around supposedly being very casual and witty? Yeah.
That's the one.
What could you possibly like about that? l don't know.
l like the guys.
Yeah they're so funny and so comfortable with each other.
And l could be comfortable too, if l had pants like that.
l could sit on a porch and wrestle around and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
l know guys like that.
To me, the dialogue rings true.
Even if the dialogue did ring true even if somehow, somewhere men actually talk like that what does that have anything to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you? That's the idea.
That is what is clever about it.
-They're not talking about pants.
-They're talking about nothing.
-That's the point.
-l know the point.
No one is telling you to like it.
All those quick shots of the pants.
Just pants, pants, pants, pants.
What is that supposed to be? What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny you put each other through.
Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them.
The guy will be like, '' l don't think her eyebrows are even.
Could l look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?'' Of course, the woman's looking at the guy thinking: ''What is he looking at? Do l want someone looking at me like this for the rest of my life?'' l'm supposed to see her again on Thursday.
But can l go out with someone that actually likes this commercial? l once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean.
No kidding.
Did you tell him that was the reason? Yeah.
l told him all the time.
You would not have believed his tub.
Germs were building a town in there.
They were constructing offices.
Houses near the drain were going for $1 50,000.
Hi.
You're still thinking about this? She invites me up at 1 2:00 at night for coffee.
And l don't go up.
'' No, thank you.
l don't want coffee.
lt keeps me up.
Too late for me to drink coffee.
'' l said this to her.
People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live.
l can't imagine what she must think of me.
She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
She invited me up! Coffee's not coffee.
-Coffee is sex.
-Maybe coffee was coffee.
Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 1 2:00 at night.
Some people drink coffee that late.
Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch.
Everything was going along so great.
She was laughing.
l was funny.
l kept saying to myself, '' Keep it up, don't blow it.
You're doing great.
'' lt's all in your head.
All she knows is she had a good time.
-l think you should call her.
-l can't call her now.
lt's too soon.
l'm planning a Wednesday call.
Why? l love it when guys call me the next day.
Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like.
Not a guy who goes, '' No.
l don't drink coffee late at night.
'' lf l call her now, she's gonna think l'm needy.
Women don't want to see need.
They want a take-charge guy, a colonel, a Kaiser, a czar.
All she'll think is that you like her.
That's exactly what l'm trying to avoid.
She wants you to like her.
Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me.
l don't know what your parents did to you.
Hey.
Hey.
l just thought of a really funny thing for your act.
All right.
You're up there.
You're on stage, and you go: ''You ever notice how cars here in New York never get out of the way of ambulances? Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking: 'Sorry, buddy.
Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets for breakfast every morning for the last 30 years.
''' So you gonna use it? l don't think so.
-Well, it's funny.
-lt's funny.
l like to do my own material.
That's as good as anything you do.
All right, l gotta make a call.
Everybody out.
Come on.
-Why do we have to leave? -l can't call a woman -with other people in the room.
-Oh, see? This is the problem.
You're kicking me out of my house? -Yes.
-Don't forget.
Right.
Jerry, do you have any apples? Don't do the apples.
lt's enough already with the apples.
Hi, it's Carol.
I'll get back to you.
Hi! lt's George.
George Costanza.
Remember me? The guy who didn't come up for coffee.
You see, l didn't realize that coffee didn't really mean.
Well, whatever.
Anyway.
lt was fun.
lt was.
lt was fun, so.
Oh, boy.
So.
You call me back.
lf you want.
That's up to you, you know.
Whatever you want to do.
Either way.
The ball's in your court.
So.
Take it easy.
l'm just getting my jacket.
l'll meet you downstairs.
What's the matter? Did you call? Got her machine.
l'm dead.
l'm a dead man.
That's it, l'm dead.
l'm a dead man.
Dead man.
-What'd you say? -l don't know what the hell l said.
l gave her an ultimatum, and there's nothing l can do.
lt's a machine.
The little light's blinking right now.
'' Come and listen to the idiot.
Hey, everybody, the idiot's on!'' After one date you try and improvise on a machine? Now l'm in the worst position of all.
My brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine.
And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to.
lt would have cost him $1 5,000 so he waited outside the guy's house.
When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape.
-He did that? -Yeah.
Somebody did that? She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.
-Not once.
-Never? l have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever.
-That's amazing.
-Thank you.
Anything else l should know? Yes.
l'm lactose intolerant.
-Really? -l have no patience for lactose and l won't stand for it.
l'll be right back.
Wait till you hear this.
l'm sorry.
l had no idea-- Wait.
Wait.
He's in the bathroom.
l wanted to talk to him for a minute, but l'll come back.
You don't have to leave.
-You sure? -Yes.
Okay.
-l'm Donna.
-Donna.
You're the one that likes that commercial! He told you that? No.
He didn't actually tell me that.
We were talking about that commercial.
ln fact l think l brought it up because l like that commercial.
No.
He would never actually tell me anything like that.
He never discusses anything.
He's-- He's like a clam.
You're not gonna mention this to him--? So you tell your friends l'm not hip because l like that commercial.
What? -What did you say? -Say? What? Nothing.
You told him how l like the commercial.
So what if l said that? You didn't have to tell your friends.
No, l had to tell my friends.
My friends didn't have to tell you.
Why'd you have to get me in trouble? l don't like you talking about me behind my back.
-Oh, boy.
-l said l couldn't believe you liked that commercial.
So what? l asked some friends this weekend, all of them like the commercial.
Boy, l bet you got a regular Algonquin Round Table there.
Hey.
Kramer, this is Donna.
-Cotton Dockers! -Hello.
We should be going.
Come on.
-What? Where are we going? -Don't bother.
l'm leaving.
You're making too much of this.
''One hundred percent cotton Dockers.
lf they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
'' Kramer, please.
Donna.
l don't wanna hear it.
l can't believe l said that.
You know me.
l'm a vault.
Don't worry, it wasn't working anyway.
-What happened there? -l'll tell you later.
You're not gonna believe what's going on with this woman.
You remember l made the initial call Sunday.
She doesn't call back.
l call again Monday.
l leave another message.
l call Tuesday, l get the machine again.
'' l know you're there.
l don't know what your story is.
'' Yesterday, l'm a volcano.
l try one more call.
The machine comes on, and l let fly like Mussolini from the balcony.
''Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee, and then you don't call me back for four days? l don't like coffee.
l don't have to come up! l'd like to get one more shot at the coffee so l can spit it in your face!'' -You said that? -l lost it.
l can't blame you.
l can't believe she never called you back.
She did.
Today.
-What? -She called my office.
She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday.
She didn't know if l was trying to get in touch.
Her machine broke, and she's been using her old machine.
And she doesn't have the beeper for it.
-She didn't get the messages.
-Exactly.
But they're on there waiting.
She can't wait to see me, we're having dinner tonight.
She's supposed to call me when she gets home.
But what about the messages? Elaine's thing? How you gonna get in? l'll meet her outside the building.
But you know as soon as she gets in, she's going for that machine.
Unless she goes for the bathroom, that's my only chance.
Who am l kidding? l can't do this! l can't do this! l don't know how to work the stupid machines.
There's nothing to it.
You lift the lid.
lt comes right out.
-You do it for me.
-What? Come on.
lt'll be so much easier.
How are you gonna get me up there? l'll tell her l bumped into you.
l'm giving you a ride uptown.
-Who makes the switch? -You do.
-l do.
-l can't do it.
l'll keep her busy.
l can't get involved in this.
l think l may be in love with this woman.
What if she sees me? You are such a wuss.
-A wuss? -Yeah.
Did you call me a wuss? Well, there is traffic.
lt might take her till 8: 1 5.
l got one problem.
You're keeping her busy in the other room.
Now what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming.
A signal.
Right.
Okay.
The signal is l'll call out ''Tippy-toe!'' Tippy-toe? l don't think so.
-You don't like tippy-toe? -No tippy-toe.
All right.
Okay.
l got it.
-l'll sing.
-What song? '' How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?'' -What is that? -lt's a lovely song.
Got anything else? You pick it.
-'' Lemon Tree.
'' -Peter, Paul and Mary? No.
Trini Lopez.
Okay.
You got the tape? Standard.
-Micro.
-How do you feel, confident? -l feel good.
-Nervous? Not at all.
Get up, get up.
lt's her.
To hell with this! l'm scared.
Walk away.
Cancel everything.
Hey, what are you doing here? l was supposed to call you when l got home.
l couldn't wait.
l was too anxious to see you.
That's so sweet.
This is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld.
l just bumped into him around the corner.
lsn't that a coincidence? The funny thing is, l see him all the time.
-All the time.
-Nice to meet you.
Hi.
So l'm starving.
Where are we gonna eat? You know, we could go uptown and that way we can give Jerry a ride home.
Okay.
Let's go.
l'm ready.
Where'd you park? Don't you want to go upstairs first? No.
What for? l'll just give my bag to the doorman.
You know l really need to use the bathroom.
There's a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door.
Yes.
Yes.
-But l have to make a call, so-- -Well, they have a phone.
l know Jerry.
He has this phobia about public toilets.
l think we really should go upstairs.
You know, l think l will go upstairs.
l can check my machine.
Right.
Right.
The bathroom's down the hall to the right.
You know why don't you go first? You just had a long trip.
No, l'm fine.
You know, it's the damnedest thing.
lt went away.
Well, that's weird.
No, no, that can happen.
l've read about that in medical journals.
lt's a freak thing.
Let me just check my messages and we'll go.
-Carol, could l talk to you right now? -Sure.
Please, this is-- This is very important.
Tippy-toe! Tippy-toe! Lemon tree! Now l know who you are.
You're a comedian.
l've seen you.
lt's been driving me crazy.
Right.
l am.
Carol, that's so rude.
-Please, l'm serious.
-Okay.
Just for a moment, if you wouldn't mind.
And then we'll talk to Jerry.
Hey, you two, l'm ready to go.
That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool? Don't you find that strange? Yes.
l'll just check my machine, and we'll go.
No.
Nothing here.
Let's go.
l forgot to tell you.
After l talked to you, my neighbour called, played my messages to me.
Yours were hilarious.
We were both cracking up.
l just love jokes like that.
l love my phone machine.
l wish l was a phone machine.
lf l saw somebody on the street l didn't want to talk to, l could go: '' Excuse me.
l'm not in right now.
lf you could just leave a message, l could walk away.
'' l also have a cordless phone, but l don't like that as much.
Because you can't slam down a cordless phone.
You get mad at somebody on a real phone: ''You can't talk to me like that.
'' Bang.
You know.
Cordless phone.
''You can't talk to me like that.
'' l told him.
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