South Park s02e04 Episode Script

Ok children, let's take our seats.
This morning we're going to have a special lecture from your school counselor, Mr.
Mackee.
Now, now, who was that? That is not appropriate behavior, mmkay? I'm sorry Mr.
Mackee, mmkay? - Uh, that's ok, just don't let it happen again.
We won't let it happen again Mr.
Mackee, mmkay? - Ok, ok, that's fine.
- Mmkay? Ok.
No, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, mmkay? So, first of all, uh, smoking's bad.
You shouldn't smoke.
And, uh, alcohol is bad.
You shouldn't drink alcohol.
And, uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs.
Ok, that about wraps up my introduction.
Now, uh, are there any questions? - Yes, Stan.
- Why do dogs have cold noses? Uh, well, I'm not sure.
No, uh, let's focus our discussion first on mari-ja-uana.
Mari-ja-uana's bad.
And it also has a very distinct smell, mmkay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit, and I want you all to take a smell so you know when someone is smoking mari-ja-uana near you.
Mmkay, take a smell, pass it on, and when it gets back up to me, we'll finish talking about it.
In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, mmkay? Alcohol is bad, kay? - If you drink alcohol you should uh.
- Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend? - Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday? - No, it's his Bris.
-What the hell is a Bris? - I don't know, but there's going to be lots of food, and a band.
- Oh, kick ass, I want to have a Bris.
- And so, uh, that's why alcohol is bad.
Uh, has, has that mari-ja-uana made it back up here yet? No, oh, oh, okay.
Let's talk about LSD.
Uh, children, LSD is, is bad.
It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
- Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a Bris? - Uh, I'm not sure.
- Dude, you better find out.
- Boys, are you paying attention? - Sorry Mr.
Mackee, mmkay? - Mmkay.
Now children, has that mari-ja-uana made it around yet? Uh, who, who has the mari-ja-uana now? Oh, oh, okay, whoev, whoever has the marijauana, just pass it up to the front row, mmkay? I am very disappointed in you young man.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- What could have possessed you to be so stupid? - I'm sorry Principal Victoria.
Wehell, sorry isn't going to cut the cheese this time mister.
But, but it was an honest error of judgement, mmkay? I, I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marihuana, mmkay? It was an error of judgement Mr.
Mackee, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it.
We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
We had to let them go home, and one of them now has have a lid of Jamaican grass because of you! How, how am I going to make ends meet, mmkay? What, what will I do for money? There, there now.
Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
Mmkay.
- Man, that sucked getting searched.
- Yeh, my ass is killing me.
- Why did they search us? That marihuana never even made it to us.
- I wonder who took it.
And now it's almost time for Bo-bo's.
- Hello there children.
- Hey, Chef.
How's it goin'? - Bad.
- Why bad? - Children, I heard about what happened at school today.
- Now none of you took that nasty marijuana did you? - No dude! We never even saw it.
Ok, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
- We know, we know, that's what everybody says.
- Right, but do you know why they're bad? Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
And do you have any idea what that means? - No.
- I know, drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck.
- Look children, this is all I'm going to say about drugs: Stay away from them, there's a time and a place for everything, - and it's called college.
Do you understand? - Sure.
- Ok.
- Hey, are you going to come to Ike's Bris this weekend? Oh hell no, I can't bear to see that.
- What do you mean? - Don't you boys know what a Bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
- What's that? - Oh boy, here we go again.
Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world? - Uh, bicycles? - Ham? - No, not ham you fat fuck! - Screw you! It's ham isn't it? No, no, no children, I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
- Your heart? - Your eyes? Oh, your penis.
That's right.
Hey, my mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis Kenny.
You're supposed to call it a fireman.
- A fireman? - That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking.
Damn it children.
Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once.
Hey, wait! Dude, something tells me this Bris thing isn't good.
Hey Mackee, you got any more pot? My four year old needs a fix.
Hey Mackee, now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common.
Dope!! Hey Mackee, who do you think you are you stupid drug taking hippie?!? - Hey, you stoned man? - You wanna do some drugs? Hell, I don't think I've seen you around here before.
No, I, I just, I had to get away, mmkay? I just lost my job.
Ah, that's weak man.
You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink.
- Oh, uh, I, I don't drink, mmkay? - Trust me man, it'll make you feel better.
Uh, drinking's bad.
Go ahead, drink the beer.
It'll calm you down.
Yeh, why the hell not? It's just a beer.
Don't be such a pussy, mmkay? - So, how do you feel? - Oh, about the same.
Ah, you just need something a little stronger.
- Kyle, you have to stop them! - Stop who? - Dude, I found out what a Bris is.
I found out what they're going to do to Ike.
- What? They're going to chop off his wee-wee! - Chop off his wee-wee! Are you sure? - Yeh dude! It's a Jewish tradition.
It's called a circumsticion.
- Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wees is not cool! That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that! Dude, I asked five different people.
They said all Jewish boys have circumsticions, and the, and they make it into a party called a Bris.
You don't just chop off somebody's fireman!? I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad! We are young, mmkay? Heartache to heartache we stand, mmkay? No promises, no demands, mands, mands, mkay? - Uh, is this my house? - Your key ain't gonna work Mackee.
I changed the locks.
- Why Mr.
Freely? - I'm not rentin' to you anymore.
I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children.
No, no, no, mmkay? It, it wasn't like that.
Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer.
- But I've never taken drugs either.
- I've never taken drugs and look at me.
I'm totally fine.
Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you.
Drug user! Drug user! Come back here - Just a little higher.
- Mom, dad! Oh, hi boobala, I'm glad you're here.
You can help us decorate for the party? - Your mother's made gahagafaka.
- What the hell is gafagafaka? Mom, dad, what exactly is this party for? To celebrate your little brother's passage into life.
- Meaning what? - Meaning we're going to circumcise him.
- They are going to cut off his fireman! - It's Jewish tradition, Booby.
Normally we do it right after the baby is born but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a Oh, now what's gotten into him?!? Stan, will you go talk to him? Let us cut off your pee-pee, Stan!! Oy, what is the matter with them? - I can't believe my parents are cannibals.
- What are you going to do, dude? I have to save my little brother.
I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses.
- Come on, Ike.
- Hidee how.
- Cover me for a while.
I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
- No way dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee chopping parents! Just give me thirty minutes.
Come on Ike.
Oh, I can't sleep, it's too cold, mmkay? - Hey, you want something to warm you up? - Oh, uh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
Here, try this.
It'll warm you up.
- Uh, ehehe, mari-ja-uana's bad.
- What? - Uh, mar-mari-ja-uana makes you feel depressed and low, mmkay? - And you don't feel that way now? Uh, good point.
Nah, I don't feel any differ Oooh, ooh baby, get down, mmkay? - Man, this alley is cool.
It's so love and beautiful.
- Oh boy.
- Come on Ike, hurry up.
- A total nurra.
- Where's the next train going? - Lincoln, Nebraska.
Train leaves in five minutes.
- You want to go to Nebraska, Ike? - Noo.
- I need one ticket for my little brother.
- That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something.
What's wrong with his head? I'm sorry but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
- But my parents are going to cut off his ding-dong.
- What? Why the hell would they do that?!? They've just gone crazy for a while.
Please mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.
- No can do, sonny.
- Damn it! Ike, if you want to keep your penis, you have to get on this train.
- Ready Ike, kick the baby! - Don't kick the baby.
Bye Ike, be safe.
I'll come find you in Nebraska when mom and dad are back to normal.
Bye bye.
Oh man, where am I, uh? Hey wow, it's that counselor from the elementary school, Mr.
Mackee.
- Wow dude.
- Oh, hi boys, how are you today? Pretty good man, how are you? Oh, I've been better.
I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
- Hey, us too.
- Yeh, remember you caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
Oh.
O fortune, how you mock me.
Ah, cheer up bro, all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
Uh, boys, L-LSD is bad.
Mmmm.
Uh, who, who put all this cotton in my mouth? Yeh, baby.
The world is so small.
I'm free, I'm free.
- Sweet dude, totally killer.
- That guy's totally tripping.
- There, what do you think? - What the hell is that supposed to be? I'm making a dummy Ike doll.
My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.
Dude, I think your mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.
Not if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.
- No, go away, bad dog.
- Dude, what did you make that doll out of? - I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
- Is that why it stinks so bad? - Hi boys.
- Hi Mr.
Mackee.
- Are you boys stayin' out of trouble? - Yes.
Ok, I, I'm just gonna go over here for a while.
Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.
- Knock it off asshole.
- No way! I'm never going back to your parents house.
Come on dude, if it were your little brother we'd help you.
Ehh.
Wait a minute! No you wouldn't! Would you look at that honey, somebody dropped off a perfectly good trashcan.
Yeh, nooiwawagoche.
Booby, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Sorry mom, I just had to deal with Ike.
He, he's been cranky.
How is my little jelly bean? Babaseemee mama.
I, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.
Ok, but first let mommy give you a kiss.
Uh, no mom, he, he doesn't want you kissing him.
- Oh my God, make it stop! - Put it down you stupid dog! - My baby! Oh God!!!! - Get out of here you mutt! Let him go! Oh he's dead, he's dead, my little Boobala's dead.
There there Sheila, there's nothing we can do.
Yea, usher us unto the Lord sayeth some Jewish guy once.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Hey, wait a minute, how come Ike's tombstone have a Canadian flag on it? Well booby, there's something you have to know.
Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted.
- What?!? - He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian, but we loved him all the same.
You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off and he's not even my real brother? What are you talking about? Dude, Ike isn't dead, he's in Nebraska.
- What, what, what?!?! - Dude, you shouldn't have told them that, now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis.
- Fireman! - Oh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.
Hey you guys, look out.
- Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
- You bastards.
Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercies.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Get out of the way you damn hippie.
I don't need to take your right wing authoritative bullshit.
- What? - Uhh, you're just like the government, man.
Trying to prosecute out of one side of your mouth, mmkay, while supporting guns out of the other, mmkay? Oh, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert? I can't man, Jerry Berry's dead, mmkay? Hey man, I overheard what you said.
That was cool.
Wha, oh, thanks man.
Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint? Sure man, finger-paintin's cool, mmkay? - Now where did you leave him young man? - Ah, how the hell should I know? - Gerald, do something about your smart-ass son.
- Uh, mind yourmother, smart-ass.
If we don't find him, so help me, you're going to be grounded for a month.
All this time, look out for your little brother Kyle, take care of your little brother Kyle, and he wasn't even really my little brother.
- Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.
- Yeh, right.
Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year old Canadian boy.
Two-year old Canadian boy, two-year old Canadian boy Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Hap's bar.
Huh, come on! - Ike!! - Babaturtle.
Hey lady, that's my table post, you can't have that! Wow man, you know it's like, you go through life thinking you're an individual, mmkay? Then you realize that you're more than that, mkay? We're all just one big individual, 'kay? Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Now you march to your room and you think about what you've done! - But first apologize to your brother! - He's not my brother! - Apologize to him! - I'm sorry Ike.
- Uhuh forget that.
Wow, this is so beautiful.
I am one with the animals, and the trees.
And I am one with you.
At long last I have found a true reason to be Now I feel I can start a new - What the hell is going on? - Tough love Mr.
Mackee, we're taking you to rehab.
I don't want to go to rehab, I haven't even done drugs in weeks.
We were wrong for shunning you Mr.
Mackee, and we apologize.
We should have realized you needed help.
Yeh, and now we're going to make sure you get the help you need.
- I don't want help! - You'll thank us later.
Hello Tom, hello Patty, thanks for coming to Ike's Bris.
Look Ike, it's your Uncle Murray.
Hello Ike, say where's little Kyle? He's been sent to his room for being a bastard.
He's decided that Ike isn't his brother since he's adopted.
- Hi there.
- Hello, do I know you? Oh no, but I never miss a Bris.
Here, I brought some dip.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
Odifaner.
What do you want? I want to secom odifaner.
Oh no you don't.
That isn't going to work on me, Canadian.
- Maybe you're being too hard on him dude.
No way, there's no real connection between us.
It was all a big lie.
Cookie monster.
Two, three, four, five.
Go on Canadian, beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you.
Brother, fire fly.
You have to admit you have a problem before anybody can help you.
- But I don't think I really have a problem.
- Nonsense, you did drugs.
- I suppose you forgot all about your family.
- I don't really have a family.
- And you lost your job.
- No, I lost my job before that.
Mr.
Mackee, you're supposed to be an adult.
The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them.
There is a time and a place for everything Mr.
Mackee, and it's called college.
Now, I want you to repeat after me, "drugs are bad.
" - Drugs are bad.
- Drugs are bad.
Uh, d, Drugs are bad.
Hello Dr.
Schwartz.
Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's Bris.
Oh, my pleasure Sheila.
I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered Ike is Canadian, so I brought the right one.
- Where is the little rug rat? - Right over here.
Come here you! Odifaner.
Shecaca madifaner.
There you are, come on Ike, it's time.
You stay away from my little brother! - But, but, but son I just - You aren't going to cut off his wee-wee! Not today you sick ass weirdo! - Kyle, what are you talking about?!? - And you, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen? Yes, the fireman is very magical.
If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye.
Kyle, a, a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have.
His father had it, his grandfather had it, and his brother had it.
- No! No it isn't true! - We're not gonna cut it off, we're just gonna snip it.
So it looks bigger.
- Oh hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.
- Yeh, I want to get a circumsticion too.
- Congratulations Mr.
Mackee.
You are fully recovered.
I can't thank you enough for everything.
- I feel like my old self again.
- Just one more thing.
- Remember that you can stay sober.
- I will Ms.
Social Worker.
I will, mmkay? - It's ok Ike, I'm here.
- And a one, and a two, and a Bris.
Ouch babababa.
Cookie monster.
- Ike, you're ok.
- Wow dude, I guess having a Bris isn't all that bad.
Yeh, you know, I've learned something today.
Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends.
You're my family.
- Except for Cartman.
- Naturally.
Well, screw you guys, I don't want to be in your penis chopping family anyway.
And so now children, your school counselor is back to tell you first hand - about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.
Drugs are bad.
You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel.
I was a wreck.
Well, I didn't even care about money.
I was, I was wasting my life.
Hey, you guys want to come to my Bris tomorrow? You can't have your Bris tomorrow, that's when I'm having mine.
No way, I set up mine first, hippie! No boys, you need to listen up, mmkay? What, what I'm talking about might save your life someday, mmkay? - Okay Mr.
Mackee, mmkay? - Mmkay.
Now, as I was saying, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs.
If you do them, you're bad, because drugs are bad, mmkay? It's a bad thing to do drugs, so don't be bad by doing drugs, mmkay? That'd be bad.
Cause drugs are bad, mmkay?