The King of Queens s02e04 Episode Script

Hey, it's almost 11.
You ready to go? Doug, you've seen this a hundred times.
We're late.
Hey, the tortoise beat Bugs Bunny.
Who'd have thunk it? Hey, it's not about who wins, it's the journey.
Hey, is this for me? We're on our way to see Deacon and Kelly's new baby, and the paper says "baby" all over it, but yes, it's for you.
Do you have to build yourself up by tearing me down? Yes.
Now let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what about for Kirby? Don't you get something for the other kid when the new one is born? So he doesn't get jealous and poke the baby in the soft spot? You're right.
Shoot.
You know what? We don't have time to stop.
Maybe I could find him something in our stash of crappy gifts people gave us.
This opens up? Okay, let me see what we got here for the little fella.
Bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream, that's wrong.
Flavoured body oils, wronger.
Here we go, beaded car seat.
It's got beads.
Kids love to sit.
Okay, I'll take it from here, Butch.
Well, time for work.
The pretzel store awaits.
Off to the salt mines, huh? I don't follow.
That's just an expression.
Plus you work in a pretzel store.
Pretzels have salt.
Well, that's 10 seconds of my life I'm never getting back.
Hey, Dad, what's with the briefcase? Just picked up a few things at the five-and-dime to make my workspace more enjoyable.
I got this Garfield paperweight, some fake doggie poop, and this novelty troll statue with purple hair.
Oh, Dad, that's great.
I'll give you 5 bucks for this.
Fifty.
You want 50 bucks for this? You seem very eager.
Okay, this is a troll, and I am your daughter.
I know the difference.
Five bucks.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How much for the poop? Not for sale.
He's just so little.
Although, he probably felt like a holiday ham when you had to squeeze him out, huh? Girl, you know I was numb from the eyebrows down.
So Major, huh? Yup.
That was my grandfather's name too.
Major Palmer.
I like it.
You know, it's very dignified, like Colonel Sanders or Captain Crunch.
It's my kid.
Sorry.
Deacon, can you bring me a cloth diaper? You got it.
- Here you go.
- Thanks, baby.
Feeding time.
- What's the matter, Doug? - What? Noth What? Nothing.
Sorry, is this making you uncomfortable? Is what making me uncomfortable? Because I'm comfortable, okay? Because I could feed him in the other room.
What, that? Are you kidding me? That's natural, you know.
In fact, hey, Major, save some for me.
You can relax, Doug, he's not even hungry.
Hey, listen, we wanted to talk to you guys about something.
Sure.
What's up? Well, Major's christening is coming up, and part of that whole thing is that we have to pick godparents for him.
We've been going crazy trying to figure out, you know, should they be relatives, friends, older, younger? Should they be black, should they have kids of their own? You know, all that kind of stuff.
- Anyway - We picked you guys.
Us? Really? Wow, that's - We are so touched.
- It's a symbolic thing, mostly.
Being at all the special occasions, that kind of stuff.
- Well, and there's one other thing.
- What? Well, you know, if anything happens to me and Deacon, you'd sort of step in and raise the boys.
So you wanna think about it for a while or? What, are you kidding me? Sign us up.
- Yeah? - Yeah, man, we are in.
In like Flynn or Flint, whichever.
Right, hon? Come on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- That's great.
- Thank you, guys, so much.
Thank us? Thank you.
Get in here.
God.
Okay, yeah.
I'll be there in the morning.
Hey, Kenny, I got a problem with my other store.
Can you run the show for two days? I don't think so.
I got band practice all this week, and they said if we're really good, - there's a chance - Great story, thanks.
Rita, think you could run the place for a few days? - Yes? - Yes? - No.
- No.
Never mind.
Arthur.
Yes, sir? All right, Arthur, at ease.
Look, I'm gonna be out for a few days.
I'm gonna put you in charge, all right? Really? Well, thank you, sir.
I appreciate the vote of confidence.
I assure you, I'll rise to the challenge.
Yeah, all right, whatever.
Make sure you keep everything running normally.
Hold on.
Everything running What was it? - Normally.
- Normally.
Got it.
Sorry, Car, I don't know what you want me to say.
I just don't understand why you were so quick to say yes.
I don't know.
I guess I was just honoured that they asked us.
- It seemed like a nice compliment.
- Compliment? When someone says you have nice eyes, that's a compliment.
When they say, "Will you raise our kids if we're ever squashed?" That's something to think about for five minutes.
All right, is this tuna fish or cake? - Can you focus, please? - What? I'm focused.
Okay, what if, God forbid, something did happen to Deacon and Kelly? Are you really ready to raise two kids? Nothing's gonna happen to them.
What if, God forbid, something did? Nothing will.
No, no? You wanna tell the kids on Party of Five that? Touchι.
Okay.
Well, you know, if, God forbid, something happened to them, I guess we'd just have to deal with it.
That's a lot to deal with.
- But if God forbid - You know what? Let's ease up on the God forbids.
Second of all, I gotta tell you, I don't know if I'm ready to raise somebody else's children.
- You're ready.
- No, Doug, having kids of our own is scary to me.
I mean, if we have two kids and then we get their two kids, that's four.
Four human beings whose futures are in our hands all at once.
That's a massive responsibility.
Plus all the noise.
Tell you what, if something happens to Deacon and Kelly, I'll take full responsibility for the kids, okay? I'll feed them, I'll bathe them, everything.
All me.
Like the dog? All right, yeah, that's not gonna work.
All right.
I don't know what to do, we already said yes.
No, you said yes.
"In like Flynn.
In like Flint.
" Okay, all right, all right, all right.
You see, you really wouldn't be good with children.
You're mean.
All right, so, what are we gonna do here? Well, if it was up to me, I'd go through with it, all right? But if you don't want to, we just have to go back over there tomorrow and tell them.
That's gonna be a fun night.
"Hey, remember that thing about raising your kids if they're ever orphaned and helpless? Well, gotta give you a big fat no.
Bye-bye.
" I think it's meat loaf.
- Hey.
What's happening? - Hey.
- Hi.
- How's it going? Hey, Major, look who's here.
It's your godparents.
No, that's okay, just call us Doug and Carrie.
What's going on? What are you doing here? Oh, we were just coming back from a thing.
Just thought we'd stop by and say hi.
Oh, great.
We can't stay long, we got another thing after.
Yeah, it's just one thing after another.
Hey, as long as the baby is up, let's grab a picture.
- Oh, great idea.
- No, because my hair is Kirby, Doug and Carrie are here.
Yeah! Hey, yeah.
Yeah.
Everybody say godparents.
- Godparents.
- Godparents.
That's great.
We'll make you a copy.
You guys want an 8-by-10? - No, no, that's way too big.
- Yeah, small one, small one.
So as long as we're here, we kind of needed to talk to you guys about something.
- Sure, what's up? - Yeah, what's going on? Well, we were just at home, and we were talking about it, and we were just kind of thinking Thinking that First, right off the bat, let me tell you, we love your kids.
- Love them.
- Love them.
I mean, this one here, he's a champ, and Major, even though we don't know him too well yet, - he gives off a good vibe.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, good, good vibe.
- You can feel it.
Yeah.
He's already got a nice head of hair too.
Beautiful.
Very natural.
Thanks.
The thing is that we just kind of got our hands full, what with Arthur - Oh, he is a full-time job, that one.
- Yeah.
Plus, we may have kids of our own soon.
Yes.
Yes, we may.
You know, this one is such a dingbat about taking her pill, I'll tell you.
So, what are you saying? I guess what we're saying is that Hey, Regis Philbin.
This guy's on fire, huh? So you don't wanna be the godparents? Look, Kel, I'm sorry.
You know how we feel about you guys.
If something were to happen, it would just be way too much for us.
Okay.
I mean, I understand.
It's just, you know, you seemed so enthusiastic the other night.
Hey, I had a whole sleeve of Oreo's.
I was flying.
- Sorry, Deac.
- Hey, you know, it's cool.
I mean, I guess it was kind of a heavy thing we put on you guys.
Seriously, guys, it's really okay.
- Well, good.
- Good.
- Hey, here you go.
- There you go.
Here you go, fella, my newest innovation.
The frequent-buyer card.
You buy ten pretzels, you get one free.
Nine X's to go.
Arthur? I've been meaning to tell you, don't you think you should punch, like, a pretzel-shaped hole or something when they buy a pretzel? Instead of just making an X with a pen? Because, you know, people have their own pens.
I don't think I like, nor do I completely understand, what you're getting at.
But I know a mutiny when I see one.
No, no, I'm just saying that Save your speech for the unemployment line! You're through here! Now, beat it.
All right.
Rita, you saw that, he lunged at me.
And I may need you to sign an affidavit to that effect.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, may I help you? Free pretzel, please.
Ten X's already? Wow, that was fast.
How are they running this christening? You think there'll be some food beforehand? Because if there isn't, there's a Nathan's coming up on Union Turnpike.
You think our gift is good enough? I mean, I know we got a $200 bond, but everybody knows you pay a hundred for it.
It's not like we're fooling anyone.
What do you say, couple of franks? I'm buying.
It's 9 a.
m.
Hey, they are open, all right? It's not like I'm a freak or anything.
Okay, do what you want.
So did Deacon mention who they picked as the new godparents yet? Yep.
Bill and Robin Gilliard.
- The insurance guy and his wife? - Right.
Interesting.
- They're nice.
- They're very nice.
Wouldn't be my first choice.
Wasn't theirs either.
Yeah.
How can a hot dog place be out of sauerkraut? - It's what they do.
- Let it go, babe.
Hey, guys.
- Hi, Deac.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hi.
- How are you? - You know Bill and Robin Gilliard.
- Hi.
Sure.
We met at Kirby's birthday party last year.
You were the guy who broke the pinata, right? The kids got three swings each.
Someone had to step in and make it happen.
Deacon, your aunt is signing her name to other people's gifts again.
Oh, boy.
Excuse us.
So you're gonna be godparents.
- Good for you.
- Thank you.
Gotta tell you, I give you a lot of credit.
Lot of credit.
If it was me, I would be petrified at the thought of raising somebody else's kids, but you probably love children, right? To tell you the truth, I've never really been that much of a kid person.
No kidding? So taping the Nebraska game, so if you hear anything, don't say a word.
Not to worry.
But I'm taping Charles Osgood, so if you hear anything, don't say a word.
So you don't watch much college football, huh? - No, not really.
- Pros? Well, I was invited to a Super Bowl party a few years ago.
- That was a lot of fun.
- How about last year's Super Bowl? Elway, wow, huh? John Elway? Sorry, I don't know who that is.
What? So if something were to happen, God forbid, you probably got a pretty big house, right? Just an apartment.
Three, four bedrooms? Come on, what do you got? Two.
Mets? Well, I find baseball a little boring.
How about basketball? A bunch of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? No, thank you.
Golf? Rugby? Come on, Bill, give me something.
Well, I like to watch swimming.
So come on, I mean, you don't like kids, you have a small apartment, what's up? Nothing's up.
Well, why did you say yes? What's your angle? We have no angle.
We're just doing what any decent people would do for their friends.
Right.
Who's next? Hey, free pretzel with honey mustard dip.
- You were just here, weren't you? - Me? No.
Yes, you were.
You know, I'm wise to you.
I'm wise to all of you.
Marking the X's on the cards yourselves.
Very clever.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
But let me tell you all something.
I may not be hip or with it like you kids.
I may not listen to your Tom Jones or your Dave Clark Five, but at least I know when I put my head on my pillow tonight, I'll sleep soundly.
And you know why? It's because I'll know that you kids have been dunking your stolen pretzels in my "very special" dipping sauces.
Oh, yeah.
Lord God, in baptism, we die with Christ to rise again in him.
We are horrible, horrible people.
They really ought to have backup sauerkraut.
- Doug.
- What? The Gilliards are no better prepared for this than we are, and yet they didn't even hesitate to open up their life for these kids.
- Why didn't we open up our life? - I wanted to open up our life.
You wanted to keep our life closed.
- You know what? Let's just do this.
- What? I've changed my mind.
I want us to be Major's godparents.
Go tell Deacon.
No, Carrie, I can't.
The whole thing's already happening.
He's right there.
Just go tell him.
- Car, it's too late.
- It's not too late.
They didn't even dunk the kid yet.
Even so, all right? I can't go up there.
Doug, if we don't do this, we will feel guilty for the rest of our lives.
I mean, we're their best friends, we should be the godparents.
Well, I was a little rattled when Bill told me he didn't know who John Elway was.
And you want that freak raising our kids? Go, go tell him.
- Go, they're next.
- Okay.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry about that.
Excuse me.
Hey, Deac.
Hey, Deac.
I need to talk to you.
What is it? Look, we changed our minds.
We want to take your children when you die.
God forbid.
What are you talking about? We already started here.
I know.
We made a mistake, we wanna do it.
- Just sit down.
- Bill doesn't know who Elway is.
Sit down.
What? Oh, for God's sake.
I'm so sorry.
Pardon me.
Oh, nice hat.
What happened? - He said it was too late.
- It's not too late.
Watch out.
Hey.
Hey.
- What? - We wanna be the godparents again.
Carrie, this is not a good time.
I know, but you said it yourselves, we're the best people for the job.
And you know what? You're not invincible.
- Something could happen.
- God forbid.
I've never been that excited about the Gilliards.
- You haven't? - No.
Then why did you agree to them? - I thought you were crazy about them.
- Well, they're okay.
Well, tell them they're out and that Doug and Carrie are in.
Get out of here.
You tell them.
She's your friend.
I just know them through you.
- Want me to tell them? - Yeah.
- Deacon! - Okay.
Fine.
I'll go.
Kelly, I want you to know, we'll raise the kids as Jets or Giants fans, whichever you want.
That is comforting.
Bill, give me the baby.
So godparents, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, a boy.
The reverend was pretty cool about us pulling the old switcheroo.
Yeah, he rolled with it.
Hey, remember that song, Reverend bluejeans? What? Neil Diamond.
Reverend bluejeans, babe It's not "Reverend Blue Jeans.
" It's "Forever in Blue Jeans.
" No, it was "Reverend Blue Jeans.
" It was about a hip reverend, he wore jeans.
Reverend bluejeans, babe No.
Forever in bluejeans, babe How did I miss that?