Family Guy s02e05 Episode Script

Good evening.
I'm Diane Simmons.
A stunning development tonight as O.
J.
Simpson is proven innocent.
We have the identity of the real killer.
But first It's fall.
The time of year when the leaves turn a pretty, purpley orange and Quahog prepares for its annual Harvest Festival Parade.
Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa joins us live from the ceremony where they are choosing this year's theme.
Diane, behind me are 1,000 beautiful doves.
Gently tied to each of their delicate legs is a parade theme suggested by ordinary citizens of Quahog.
And here to pick this year's winning theme is Ten Commandments star, Charlton Heston.
Let my pigeons go! [Wings flapping.]
[Gun loading.]
He nailed one! We have our theme! I submitted "togetherness.
" A simple theme.
But powerful, nonetheless.
Come on, "overcoming adversity"! Let's go, "overcoming adversity"! Show me "women I gave the clap to"! And the Harvest Festival Parade theme is: "The episode of Who's the Boss? "where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
" Yes! That's mine! Un-freaking-believable! [Cheering.]
Clumsy oaf! Michael Flatley must be turning over in his grave.
Wait a minute.
He's not dead yet.
"Michael Flatley.
" It's great they picked your theme, but isn't it a little esoteric? Esoteric? - Could it mean "sexy"? - I think it's a science term.
Fellas, esoteric means "delicious.
" Who's the Boss? Is not a food.
BRIAN: Swing and a miss.
LOIS: [Singing.]
"It seems today that all you see "is violence in movies and sex on TV "But where are those good, old-fashioned values "on which we used to rely? "Lucky there's a family guy "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you "all the things that make us "laugh 'n' cry "He's a family guy" I have no friends, and it's all because of this stupid purse! What did you do to my daughter? I swear to God, if you touched her Honey, what happened? It was lunchtime and I love the color of your Prada bag.
- Yeah, but yours has that great clasp.
- Hey, Meg, you want to come to lunch? You know what? There's no room in my car for your big, ugly purse.
[Girls laughing.]
Meg, let me tell you about popularity.
GIRL #1: Mrs.
Canner? Are you coming? CANNER: Bye! Daddy, if you really loved me, you'd buy me a Prada bag.
I can't say no to you, honey.
What are they, like, $10? More like $1,100.
[Laughing.]
You wish I loved you that much! [Sighs.]
We'll never finish the float in time for the parade.
Pick up the pace, guys! Peter, your theme is a dud.
Yeah.
I've never even seen Who's the Boss? Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00 and home by 11:00.
But I can't do it without you guys, because I'll tell you who's the boss.
It's not Tony or Angela.
It's not even man-crazy Mona.
It's all of us.
You're the boss because you never give up, like with the ladies.
Gemini.
Capricorn.
I know you're not a Virgo! From down here, you look like a Pisces! And Cleveland, you're the boss because of your attention to detail.
Like when we play pool, you take so long to line up your shots I just want to crack you with a cue stick.
But I don't because that would be a hate crime, and I love you.
And Joe, I've had new neighbors before, but none were half the man you are.
Since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
He's right.
If we work together, we can win this thing.
Who's in? Go, Spooner Street! [Heroic instrumental music.]
My dad always says, "Measure twice, cut once.
" My daddy always said, "Cleveland Jr.
, quit jumping on the bed!" [Laughing.]
We didn't measure! BRIAN: Amazing.
The whole neighborhood is working together.
You know what's really amazing? I haven't brushed my teeth in three days, and no one has said a thing.
If I had a job, I could buy the bag myself.
I have squandered my munitions budget on that insipid Rugrats video! Perhaps I should seek employment.
Mother teaches piano.
I suppose I could as well.
All right, try it again, Richard.
And remember, the wrong keys are electrified.
[Electric shock.]
I don't want to play the piano! Indeed.
Would you rather play the bassoon? [Playing bassoon.]
[Screams.]
No experience? No, thanks.
[Sighs.]
[Whispering.]
Oh, nuts.
Young lady.
What's the little guy's name? What do you care? I can't send an unwed teenage mother out on the street without a job.
Stewie.
My son's name is Stewie.
DIANE: Welcome to the 83rd annual Quahog Harvest Festival Parade.
Are you as excited as I am, Tom? Are you kidding, Diane? I've got wood and clipped onto it is a list of this year's float entries.
Remember, the float that best captures this year's theme wins Quahog's coveted Golden Clam.
And here's our first float.
DIANE: It looks like some wires got crossed on Clover Street.
That's not Angela.
That's Mona, Angela's mom.
TOM: Wonderful use of tree bark for the age spots though.
This one's got Tony bathing Jonathan.
That's just plain wrong.
Each float possesses its own unique charm.
But none of them Oh, baby! Look at that! The float turned out great.
Our neighborhood hasn't been this united since Quagmire got us free cable.
CLEVELAND: We are not bad people.
We just don't want to pay $12 a month for Cinemax.
First place goes to Spooner Street.
[Cheering.]
RESIDENTS: We won! All right! [Uncomfortable laughter.]
Come on now! This is damn foolish! My theme, my trophy! My aunt Fanny! You said it yourself! I'm the boss! He said I, too, was the boss.
And it's time Cleveland got his due.
BONNIE: Joe, my feet are starting to swell.
You two go home.
I can stay here as long as it takes.
You'd be amazed how little one eats when your legs don't work.
There's only one way to settle this.
Russian Roulette.
Three bullets, last guy standing keeps the trophy.
Me first.
No.
Wait a minute, this is crazy.
You first.
There's gotta be a way for you all to enjoy the trophy.
Wait a minute! I got it! No, lost it.
There it is again! LOIS: Perfect, Peter.
Now we can all enjoy it.
[Muttering approval.]
Here's to togetherness! Car! [Car approaching.]
Meg, order up! Here you go, hon.
From Flappy himself.
I don't care if they're from Kubla filthy-wretched Khan! Try them.
You'll like them.
Yes, well, I rather doubt that.
Yes! These are delectable.
Flappy, good news! I've decided not to kill you! What a precious little boy.
That's my son.
Your son? But you're just a baby yourself.
Henry, give the little skank a nice tip.
$20! Welcome to Flappy's.
Why don't you sit next to my baby whose deadbeat dad doesn't pay child support.
[Belching.]
[Horrified scream.]
[Dramatic instrumental music.]
Peter, what is it? CLEVELAND: What's going on out here? Clear the way! I'm a cop! Oh, my God! I thought the safety was on.
I'm so sorry.
That's okay, son.
It's your right as an American citizen.
[Screaming.]
QUAGMIRE: What's all the noise? I was just jerked out of a sound sleep.
Perhaps someone could enlighten me as to the whereabouts of our Golden Clam? - Maybe it fell.
- Yeah.
Right into someone's pocket.
You think one of us stole it? I never said the word "stole.
" Looks like someone has a guilty conscience.
Guilty conscience! I'm the only guy on this block who actually pays for his cable.
Pretty high and mighty for a man who left our nation's flag out in the rain last Fourth of July.
That's against the law, Officer! [Gasping.]
You're one to talk.
Out there every trash day picking through my garbage.
That's an invasion of my privacy.
[Gasping.]
He's sorting your recycling because he loves our Mother Earth.
If you weren't so busy trolling for booty all the time you could do it yourself, like the law says you should.
[Gasping.]
PETER: It's on now! JOE: Wait a second! What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along! I couldn't have stolen it.
Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
What? It's a ladder.
He can't use it.
It's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
Those Griffins always were oddballs, Joe.
Real oddballs.
I don't trust them.
LOIS: I saw them taking coupons out of our mailbox.
QUAGMIRE: I don't like the look of her! I offer you a recipe.
Combine one small-town neighborhood with a dash of missing trophy and what you're left with is a gumbo fit only for a madman.
A gumbo served almost exclusively in The PETER: Who the hell is that? I bet he took it! JOE: Where are you going, Serling? Want some of this? QUAGMIRE: Come back here! I'm off to work.
PETER: Okay, honey.
One of our neighbors took that trophy, and I'll find out who.
- I'm taking Stewie with me again.
- Fine, sweetie.
This whole thing just makes me sick! - We played Pictionary with them! - Bastards! Giddy-up, you stubby little mare! To the pancake house! Well, bye.
And to think they used to be our best friends! That was then and this is now! And this is a chair.
That's a lamp.
You have boobies.
I'll find that trophy! JOE: To be honest, Peter, we were all a little surprised you invited us over.
We realized our friendship is a lot more important than some stupid trophy.
[Kettle whistling.]
There's the tea.
I'll get it, Lois.
Two sugars, right, Bonnie? [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Damn, it's not here! [Suspenseful instrumental music.]
Not here either.
[Footsteps.]
[Suspenseful instrumental music.]
['60s lounge music on stereo.]
Nothing.
Oh, my God! We were robbed! - Is anything missing? - No.
I don't think so.
LOIS: Where's that picture of me in my two-piece? Should I call the cops? I'm guessing a cop had something to do with this.
Or a pilot.
Or a deli owner.
Okay, you dirtbags! This means war! Excuse us.
We're having a small problem with home security.
Do you have those round metal things that you bury in the ground and, when stepped on, they explode? - Land mines? - Land mines.
It was land mines.
- Quagmire.
- Peter.
- Cleveland.
- Joe.
- Bonnie.
- Lois.
- Cleveland.
- Lois.
Bonnie.
- Quagmire.
- Peter.
[Clears throat.]
Loretta.
Come on, Peter.
That ought to slow them down.
Being a single mother is hard.
The real challenge is having a baby that's addicted to crack.
- Right, Stewie? - What's that? Yes.
I love crack.
I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack! This is the first time he's eaten something other than dog food in three weeks.
Here's your check.
God bless.
WAITRESS: Here, Honey.
STEWIE: What's this? Blueberries? Oh, my That's better than sex! And could I get that waitress' address? I'd like to help her baby.
What are they up to? Cleveland and Quagmire are holding their positions but I haven't seen Joe all day.
JOE: Freeze! KEVIN: Dad? JOE: Careful.
There's a bear trap two feet to your right.
KEVIN: Thanks, Dad.
JOE: Look out for your mother! BONNIE: There's a sandwich on the counter, honey.
Cleveland, these lobster traps aren't going to catch any intruders.
Yes, they will.
I baited them with these plump and tasty Fenway franks.
Daddy, we got one! Fat boy smelled a hot dog.
Couldn't help it.
Went right in.
[Laughing.]
[Classical instrumental music.]
- Hello.
- Say, get the hell off Hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Yes.
I was hoping I could ask you about your neighbors, the Griffins.
A bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me! All right.
No! It's not all right! CLEVELAND JR: Fat boy! The Griffins are not to be trusted.
Those people are nothing but vile, cheating, lying scum.
And their carpet and drape scheme No! No, I won't! Get that puree of loathsomeness away from me! But you love mashed turkey and peas.
I'm sorry.
What was that? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Did you just tell me what I love? Write this down, you toad-faced frump.
I love pancakes! Hi, little fella.
SANDY: Is Meg Griffin here? LOIS: No, she's not.
Probably out scoring more rock.
Sandy Balfour, Child Services.
We're placing this baby in a foster home.
- What? - For God's sake, feed me! Let me guess.
All out of Puppy Chow? What an awful home for a child! How dare you! This is a wonderful home! [Gunshot.]
PETER: Quagmire, you rat bastard! Come near my fence again, and that'll be your head! QUAGMIRE: Shut up! Honey, would you like some pancakes? Oh, yes! God, yes! Take me! Stewie! MEG: Next up is Meg Griffin, sporting her stylishly cool, brand-new A woman from Child Services came and took Stewie! She said we fed him dog food! Dog food? Is that a real Prada bag? How in the world did you make $1,100 as a waitress in one week? It's easy when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby.
[Laughing nervously.]
Wait a minute.
Meg, when did you become a teenager? She's 16, Peter.
You knew about this? FOSTER MOM: Welcome to your new home.
Baby Stewie, say hello to your new brothers and sisters.
Hola, Stewie.
Ni hao, Stewie.
Stewie.
Good God! I've been adopted by a Benetton ad! - I promise, it'll never happen again.
- I hope not, Mrs.
Stevens.
Because next time we won't just take him away, we'll kill him.
Let's see.
Stanley, Starkweather, Stevens! So this is where babies come from? Yes, Chris.
This is where babies come from.
You told me I came out of your vagina! Next! Hi.
Yeah, we're the Griffins.
- I'm sorry.
I can't find your paperwork.
- Look harder! I want my baby back! Please, let me handle this.
The name's Griffin.
We're the ones who fed dog food to our crack-addicted baby.
I never was any good at dealing with the authorities.
[Police siren.]
Don't worry.
I know how to handle this.
Are you aware you were going 50 in I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirt down.
Crap.
I get the one straight cop in Rhode Island.
[Stewie screams angrily.]
STEWIE: Damn it! I want pancakes! You people understand every language except English! Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click-click-bloody-click pancakes! Poor little guy.
"Pancakes" must be street for "crack.
" Damn those parents of his.
Sarah, forgiveness.
Now, Stewie, why don't you go play with the others? GIRL: Stewie, come complete our rainbow! I've got a better idea.
Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink.
" You lied to them! You told Child Services that we steal lawn mowers and cheat on our taxes and worship some guy named Stan.
Actually, I said Satan.
That's a typo.
We didn't know who she was! It's not our fault! No? Then whose fault is it? BRIAN: It's all of yours! You were all working together just fine, but then you won that stupid trophy.
You put some shiny hunk of metal before your own friendships.
Brian's right.
We were so obsessed with that trophy, we lost sight of what was really going on.
- Now we have a real problem to deal with.
- That's right! Somebody tipped off the cable company about our free Cinemax.
Joe? And we have to get Stewie back! PETER: I remembered.
CLEVELAND: We're here to help.
And we must get our baby back.
Right on! Let's do it! Rock their world! GROUP: Yeah! Come on! Let's go! We can do it! See kids? One day the world is going to be just like our home.
All races living together in harmony and love.
[Creaking.]
Pancakes! He must still be working the junk out of his system.
He needs hugs! [Doorbell ringing.]
Doorbell! We're from the One World, One People Book-of-the-Month Club.
Is there something missing in your life? You know, I just bet there is.
Sarah, we have guests! And one of them is a homosexual! BONNIE: They're in place! God, it gets me hot when Joe lies to strangers.
When I get him home, I swear I'm gonna grease up That's fine, Debbie.
Go, Chris.
Here we go, Dad! Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Yee, would your people really do this? Try and stop them.
And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who in turn sells them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family.
So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other? [Crying.]
Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils.
Hey, kids.
I'm Santa Claus.
Just practicing for Christmas.
But you're white.
Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
Don't be stupid! Santa is black! Santa can't be black.
We do not fear him.
CHINESE GIRL: Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian.
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan! [Yelling.]
PETER: Come on, Stewie.
We're out of here.
Dance, puppets! Dance! Lois, we got him.
It's all over.
LOIS: Careful, Peter.
Joe and Cleveland can't stall them.
They're heading your way! Crap! FOSTER DAD: Hold it right there! Or what? Don't shoot! STEWIE: Now shoot! So, we're terribly sorry we broke into your home.
But we just had to get Stewie back somehow.
That's a very long story.
But we've grown attached to little Stewie.
Plus, the law's on our side.
You people can kiss the fattest part of my ass! We'll be back, Stewie.
FOSTER MOM: Wait! Is that a real Prada bag? I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors.
Sure they may be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound but if they moved out, some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
- Hear, hear! - Where's Quagmire? If it wasn't for him, we never would have found out where Stewie's foster family lived.
He said he'd distract the social worker.
Glen, honey, I have a question for you.
What do you do for a living? I have a question for you, too.
Why are you still here? What the heck happened to that trophy anyway? I guess some mysteries are better left unsolved.
[Chattering.]
Submitted for your approval.
A family pet with the uncontrollable urge to bury shiny objects in the yard.
A shameful secret that nearly buried the peace and civility of an entire neighbor Stewie seems a little feverish after his ordeal.
And he keeps asking for pancakes.
Let's just let him rest.
Flappy, what have you done to me? It's so hot.
Now I'm freezing! What I wouldn't do for one syrup-soaked bite.
[Screams.]