Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s02e05 Episode Script

What a splendid day it's been.
We've covered some ground.
I'm shagged.
Listen to him, expose him to the wonders of nature and that's his response.
Pure poetry.
It's been red hot.
Do yourself up then and keep it in the shade.
Oh, me zip's got stuck a bit, there's nowt showing.
I get this terrible dream that he'll start streaking.
I wonder why the Lord made us with spouts like a kettle? Only why not a small drain plug, for instance, in both feet.
CAR HORN BEEPS Hooligan! Did you see who that was? That were Mouse, he's off to t'pub.
To spread a little misery.
Mind you, he makes a beautiful job of it.
Something he does even better, not paying for a drink.
Has he ever been known to stand a round? The only time I've seen him feeling in his pocket was when he caught himself on the corner of the table.
It's not Bank Holiday is it? Are they letting the idiots out on weekdays as well? How many times have I told you not to do that! Hang on, wait up.
Hang on.
'Ey up, he's at it again.
Look, why don't you buy yersen a pair of binoculars if all you want to do is stare through glasses! I'm only looking.
Yeah, and there must be 40 pubs around here, why don't you go and upset one of them? Hello, Marion.
Evening, Harry.
Give us a port and lemon, will you? Where's Ted? He's in your toilets, I think his nerve's gone.
Heck.
How's it going? The driving, I mean.
Don't ask.
There was a right nasty smash on the Halifax Road t'other night.
Well, it weren't me! I don't do 'em all, just them round here.
Blood all over t'road.
I bet it weren't thine.
I've never known thee spill a drop of owt! A pint, Ted.
Aye.
Not too full, Harry, my hand's still shaking.
Look I'll get it! I'll buy me own! Well, it shows every cloud has a silver lining.
Ta.
Are you ready for one, Mouse? Er, aye, just about.
Come on, get your money out.
'Ey up, here's that bloody car that nearly did for us.
'Ey up, Gary.
Ee, I don't know how you can wear that overcoat in weather like this.
A good overcoat is this, kid.
Look at them shoulders, cost a few slices, did this.
Ah, good evening, Tina.
Allow me.
Thanks, love.
He's a long-toothed peasant.
That's a lady you've just been handling.
You mustn't go by the trousers.
You don't see men wearing shoes like that.
Not unless they're young liberals or something.
I'm talking about her husband.
That Apache she's married.
Danny? Danny, huh! He may kid you it's Danny.
Haven't you seen the pigmentation of the skin? That's Sitting Bull the poor woman's trotting after.
But he was born round here.
Was he? Don't rattle any tomahawks, that's all I say.
Here we are, put that away somewhere.
God, I thought you had my fingers there for a moment.
I'll look after it.
There's more where that came from providing you keep your eyes open and your blabber shut.
I didn't actually hit anybody.
Oh, don't get too depressed, there's always going home.
I'm changing gear better.
More positive, that's true.
Mind you, so you should be, you're using both hands! Empty glass already? So have I.
I wonder how that happens.
I'll have a splash of dry ginger.
It kills taste and I can watch t'bubbles.
We covered 15 miles today.
Maybe with legs your size, mine have only done about 12.
You've enjoyed it, haven't you? Oh, aye, I wouldn't have missed it for all the tea in my left armpit.
He's got no instinct for landscape or scenery.
If he can't eat it, drink it, smoke it or pocket it, he does not wish to know.
Only because he's uncouth and insensitive.
That's it, Norm, tell him.
Simmonite stock, you see.
If they'd been Springer spaniels, the Kennel Club would have put the blocks on their strain years ago.
Our Les would have made a good gun dog.
He were out every night looking for a bang.
What have we got to do with him? Thou can give him a fag! Take two.
The way your breathing sounded coming out of that last hill, made me realise that I shouldn't begrudge you the odd cigarette.
You're not trying to live forever, are you? No, but a bloke's got to have some ambition.
'Ey up, can't stop now! He must have just remembered something.
Mind you, at his age there's not a lot happening to keep reminding you.
He's not as old as he looks.
It's just that he's such a misery.
It's pity there's not a competition for it, we could enter him.
At bantam-weight.
Aye.
With a good trainer he'd be unbeatable.
Some of us have a sense of seriousness, responsibility.
It's just natural selection, that's all, working in its mysterious way, choosing its leaders.
All right, you can kiss me if you want to.
Isn't he magnificent? And tall with it.
And he's going to buy the next round! It's all molecules.
My feelings exactly.
If you've got the right molecules, in the right place, that's what counts.
Well, seeing as you walked my molecules off today, what about the next round? I haven't finished this yet.
Well, stop dragging your feet! Some of us have to proceed with a series of small swallows.
We all haven't got a mouth connected to a main drain.
What's up, Mouse, couldn't you find it? His beer's off again, I don't care what he says.
I've been drinking beer for 50 years.
No wonder you were in a bit of a rush to get through that door.
A man could get a real sense of achievement if he could persuade Mouse into buying a round.
You've got a hope.
'Ey up, Barry.
Same again, please, and don't get the glasses mixed up.
More than my piece of mind's worth wondering which is his.
It should be the one with the frog spawn.
Look there, it's stamped.
Which is more than can be said for your insurance cards.
Don't get bitter.
I daren't buy this, Danny.
Why's that, kid? Supposing the owners reported it missing.
Give us it here.
She's all right, aren't you, Tina? I'm all right, got me musical box.
China Shepherd.
It's her boom night.
Her what night? Boom night.
Aye, she'll stay there now drinking till she falls over.
Boom! Happens every few months, doesn't it? It's granny's pot clock.
Normally she has a couple of beers, but every now and again, boom! How's this, then? What if I throw in the chain.
How will you flush the toilet? 'Ey up, come on now, you card players, let's have some drinks in.
You don't just come here to sit all night and enjoy yersens.
Sorry, Harry.
Come on.
Come on.
He's a bit stuck up, isn't he, that goat? Watch your trousers.
Ee, I wonder which side he drunk out of? Tha's no chance.
I'd do better trying to persuade this old lass to buy a drink than Mouse.
That's not a fair comparison, she's nicer natured than Mouse.
It's no good trying to shame him into it, either.
You could sit there all night with an empty glass in front of you and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
Oh, landlord would, though.
It takes a cool nerve to sit in Harry's pub wi' an empty glass.
Me mam used to keep a couple of little pigs.
Aye, you and your Phyllis.
We all knew about that.
Looking at the problem, objectively, I think the answer is that we've got to con Mouse into buying us a round.
It's not because we're thirsty.
It's all part of a search for a new experience.
You don't get bacon like you used to.
PIG GRUNTS Do you mind not talking about bacon when she's listening, have you no tact?! Pigs can't hear! Of course they can.
They used to use them during the Middle Ages and even later down Finkle Street.
They can't understand what you're saying! Down Finkle Street - of course they can.
They just don't take any notice, that's all.
Pigs can't understand.
How do you know that pigs haven't got intelligence? Have you ever seen one at university? No.
But you will be doing if they lower the standards much further.
What we've got to do is to kid Mouse that he's got second sight.
Then, when we've turned his thoughts towards the future we can introduce the subject of the next round.
That'd frighten him to death.
But if we convince him that he's got the gift of foretelling the future, we can say to him, "Mouse, I bet you can even tell us who's going to get the next round.
" It's there.
It's there when you get the light on it.
I thought I noticed it when he was talking to us.
You noticed what? Course, you can't be sure at that distance.
Aye, it's a clear a one as I've ever seen.
I can't see 'owt but a lot of nasty, red veins.
What's up? What is it? Do you think he doesn't know? Must do, bound to know.
Know what? He's not bound to, be fair, he's thick, tha knows.
Have I got something in my eye? It doesn't hurt.
Have you got something in it, just the sign of the vessel of ancient wisdom, that's all.
You what? 'Ere, what's up with you? I know I ought to wear me glasses, but it makes me hooter tickle.
I think you're got lovely eyes, Mouse.
For your age! Get off! Now, Mouse, we want you to disregard our original diagnosis.
We've decided it must be a mistake on account of a misreading of your pupils which are a bit tricky on account of being more of a Danish blue or even Camembert.
What have I got? Well, nothing really.
What did you think I'd got? The sign.
What sign? Of Nostradamus.
Of second sight.
Of course, it's probably only a legend anyway - like Mrs Broderick's lodger.
'Ey up, she'll have a mirror.
Eh, come here.
Listen, if he asks you if he has anything in his eye the answer, little grimy goblin, is, "yes".
What sort of things? A really noticeable pattern in the retina in the shape of a coiled serpent or an old inner tube.
Oh! 'Ey up, he's got sensitive shins.
Oh, well there's no meat on them, is there? It's terrible.
That's good enough for me.
That practically confirms it.
Don't be daft, there's no connection between me shins and me eyes! When you banged it, it made them water, didn't it? What am I looking for? The philosophers say, "happiness," by which they imply that instinctive yearning after the good life leads men to the back door of number 15 Sackville Street or did till the constabulary closed it.
Hey, Tina, what have you done with your lipstick? Oh, I must have lost me mirror.
I only borrowed it.
Conning Mouse didn't get us very far, did it? No, but we planted the seed, planted the seed.
I noticed that he didn't offer to water it, either.
I told you we wouldn't get anywhere with Mouse.
We've got to leave him for a while, let the idea simmer.
Let him get used to the thought that he's a prophet and not just an ordinary, average pain in the buttock.
Hey, can you see owt in that eye? I'll buy thee some vinegar.
Vinegar, what for? Tha's playing like a prawn.
Like a snake or a serpent, or something.
I thought you'd got a bit of grit in your eye.
I wouldn't have been poking around your unsolicited eyeballs if I hadn't thought it was an emergency.
No, it's like a birthmark.
You only have it if you have second sight.
Tha's hardly got any first sight.
Tha's as blind as a bucket without your glasses.
That's very kind, I've just lost one of these.
I don't know, Danny, there's pigswill and there's pigswill.
This is quality stuff, me old love, plenty of solids in it.
You could eat it yersen.
And he will be doing if he yells at me any more.
I don't know, Danny.
I tell you what, I'll fetch thee a sample.
It's not far away.
I'll come with you.
Be still, be still.
I'd like to keep it my secret until you've paid me a bit of introductory commission.
Shan't be many minutes, lass.
Hey, Harry, something's just dropped off your bar.
Oops-a-daisy.
Ey up, Harry, same again, please.
Aye, right.
Hello, Tina.
Hey, nobody else can see it.
Oh, well, er, why don't you come over here into the light.
Folks can't see if you're lurking about in the shadows.
Who do you think you are, Dracula's apprentice.
Oh, yes, I'm afraid there is still something there.
Aye, well, I can't see nowt.
Eh, eh, come here.
Ah, here we are.
Very pleasant is a quiet drink on a summer's evening.
Aye, it's the simple pleasures that are the best.
Happiness is the sum total of the small things.
HE BELCHES I must write that down.
How do you spell? HE BELCHES What a poetical contribution to an intelligent conversation.
What's up with you, it's only natural? Natural?! I think it's repulsive.
Aye, but you're not certain.
I am positive.
It's all right blaming me.
I had three spades, three spades.
And a natural flair for dropping them just when they'd do the least good.
Now, come on, be a good loser.
He has to be, look at the bloody practise he gets.
As I was saying, I think it's the simple pleasures that are best.
That's true.
You get us a pint and I'll give you the simple pleasure of listening to the static electricity in me pullover.
Hey, it picks up all the loose hairs off me ferret.
An enquiring mind, you see.
Just like his Aunty Beth.
Lovely woman.
Absolutely! Everybody had a good word for her.
What was it? Gobby.
That's it.
It was her that started them rumours about the highway superintendant being born out of wedlock.
Born out of Matlock, she said.
It were a misunderstanding.
Good heavens, not only illegitimate, but from Derbyshire as well.
She was responsible for more scandalous gossip, that woman She liked to take an interest in folk.
Interest?! She stands at their gate that long she must be down on the Ordnance Survey map! The council have painted her twice to my knowledge.
I don't calculate everything.
I play by instinct.
Yeah, badly.
They're off again.
Pack it in, you two, you've just proved you can do something together.
Side by side.
Standing shoulder to shoulder, eh! I'll tell you something, that's the first time he's known what he's had in his hand all flaming night! But she were good to our Barry when he had his accident.
Who was good to your Barry? Me Aunty Beth.
She was also fairly generous to that left-handed bread man by all accounts.
What, him from Harper Street? That's the one, yeah.
You wouldn't think there'd be a living in it, left-handed bread? No, there were nowt in it.
He just liked to call in.
He liked to do tricks with her pair of gerbils.
Aye, he practically kept them going with yesterday's buns.
When did your Barry have an accident? Or are you referring to the occasion when he thought he'd wiped his prints off that van.
No, that were before he went straight.
Inside, I remember.
Come on, come on.
Don't rush, it's no sack of corn you're carrying.
Hello, hello, hello, is it that time already? Aye, there's more air out here, it'll do her the world of good.
Aye, and these lot can keep an eye on her till her old man comes back.
I'm afraid we're just on the point of leaving.
Oh, Danny'll be back in a minute.
He won't leave her for long.
You know, it's really rather touching.
The way he gathers her up in his arms and throws her in that lorry.
Hey, come here, Mouse.
Give over.
Pack it in.
When he said, "Who's going to look after Tina?" I thought, "Right, Mouse, now's thee chance.
"Use thee second sight," so I did.
Straight away, I had this vision of you lot.
Dear me Oh, poor old Tina.
She'll get a nasty headache doing that.
There we are.
All right, love.
Whoa! A quiet drink, he says.
I, for one, do not relish the thought of being responsible for incapacitated females.
For one thing, they sit on your hat.
We've all got our foibles, Cyril.
I'm not too sure about him.
We should take her back to the bar.
What for? There's no deposit on her.
Oh, my God! Have you got a light, sailor? For God's sake take it off, you look like Jimmy Savile's granddad! Come here, Tina, let's get your skin back on.
There you are, look at that.
Good as new! I told you that she didn't bite! It's just that she goes boom every few months, you know.
That doesn't do any harm, I tell you.
Well, you can't have her keep banging her head on the on the table, can you? 'Ey up, 'ey up, 'ey up.
I've just penetrated your disguise.
Underneath that foul exterior, you're really a secret gentleman.
Get off! All I did was just throw my jacket on a table.
Now listen, tatty breeches, that was every bit as gracious as Sir Walter Raleigh.
And you weren't doing it to get your leg in at the palace.
Walter Raleigh, him.
Shut your cakehole! Oh, very aristocratic.
I know that coat's been down in the mud a few times, but he's always been wearing it.
# Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high # There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby # A quiet drink he says.
I told you you'd get nowhere with Mouse.
He gave us Tina, didn't he? It's a start.
What are we going to do with her, eh? I've heard of loose women She's not even done up at the seams.
Mouse's car is out there.
Why don't we put a little spoke in his wheel? Firstly, I shall be glad to relinquish my responsibilities in this matter.
I never feel comfortable with unco-ordinated females.
They tread on your shoes and ruin the polish.
She'll be more comfortable in Mouse's car.
Besides, them that give shall also receive.
Suppose it's locked.
Who's going to bother locking that damn thing? Put her behind the wheel, then she can't fall far.
Oh, whee Watch it! That's a good hat! Here, hold her handbag.
If we fix her safety belt, she'll be as safe as houses.
There we are.
You'll be all right in there now.
Now, I tell you what we're gonna do about Mouse.
We're gonna change tactics.
Less of this flannelling about.
We're going to challenge him to a duel.
Now then, tha said something about a duel.
What duel? A test of cold, naked courage.
We're going to sit here, under Harry's eye, the four of us with empty glasses.
He'll kill us.
That's going to be dicey.
Now the first one who leaves his chair, gets the drinks in.
I can manage that.
Well, look at the practise you've had.
You're outclassed.
A bit confident, isn't he? Now, no elbowing, no shuffling.
Right.
The first one who leaves the precincts of the table buys the drinks in.
Tha wants to lose, Mouse.
Tha wants to prove that you're not as mean as folks think you are.
Oh, but I am.
Don't you worry.
Can't we just sit here with a drop in our glasses? No, we're going to drink 'em up, right now, every drop.
It's going to be about ten seconds before Harry notices these empty glasses.
He's got that infrared device behind the bar.
That's no way to talk about his missus.
Well, what shall we talk about.
Anything As long as it's not about that time that Harry threw them wrestlers out.
What have you done with Tina, then? Never you mind.
What, what sets you wondering is the sheer size of things in this mysterious universe.
Like the rates.
I believe there's an intelligence behind everything and it works in a very mysterious way.
CAR ENGINE DRONES I've never believed in owt, but I would like to know what makes my pullover sometimes go electric.
Who's that clown racing round the car park in your car, Mouse? My car? Aye, your flaming car.
It came straight at us, we were in the middle of unloading a drum of pig swill.
Go on you lot, outside! Outside! Don't just stand there dripping all over my carpet.
You didn't leave your keys in the car.
Why shouldn't I? Tina's driving.
Come on, Harry, let's have three more.
Tina, come back here.
Come here, stop, stop Right here, here.