Mike & Molly s02e05 Episode Script

Hot tea for milady? Oh, thanks, sweetie.
With the wedding coming up, what do you think about the two of us taking dance lessons? What are you talking about? I'm already a fine dancer.
Some might say a dancing machine.
Well, I do love the Mike Biggs signature "side-step, side-step, air punch.
" I call that my "rock-em sock-em robot"" I've been known to clear a dance floor with that thing.
Oh, yeah, I've seen it.
One, two, punch, punch, punch.
Hey, I throw in a couple of "hitch-hikes" every now and then.
Gimme a little fries with that shake.
If you have a dollar, I'll give you a lap dance.
Bring it on, cinnamon britches.
I'm just doing this to work my way through college.
No touchy the tushy.
You guys are so cute.
Aren't they cute? Adorable.
Guys, this is Dylan.
Nice to meet you.
Mr.
Flynn.
Mrs.
Flynn.
Hi.
No, sweetie, this is Mike and Molly.
Right.
My parents are Eileen and Gary.
Well, it seems like Eileen and Gary did a very good job.
Where did you two meet? Gas station.
Oh.
You work at the gas station? I wish.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen? Sure.
Be right back, baby.
Make yourself at Uh, we'll be right back.
Want to sit down? Sure.
You pick up some weirdo at the gas station and bring him into our home? He's not a weirdo, he's a musician.
So, you're a musician? Yep.
You don't know anything about this guy.
For all you know, he could be a serial killer! Serial killers don't offer to clean your windshield and tell you you're hot! Yes! Yes, they do! You're not a serial killer, are you? Nope.
I only ask because of your "Manson-esque" quality.
It's cool.
I get that a lot.
You can't keep bringing home these strays! You gotta grow up, you're 30 years old! Hey, be quiet! He thinks I'm jailbait! Let me ask your opinion as a musician.
Do you think I need to take dance lessons? That depends.
Are you dancing now? You just don't get it, 'cause I'm blowing your mind.
For the first time in my life I see love.
got a full day ahead of me and I got three hours of sleep last night.
When did Victoria and "the missing link" finally stop doing it? Uh, a little after 4:00.
That's the last time I heard, "oh, yeah.
Right there, baby.
" You know, I could do it for that long, too.
I just think you can make your point in far less time.
Let me tell you something, last night's noisy "Booty-Booty-bang-ban"" was a dig at me.
When she knocked over that lamp? Come on, it's so cliché.
You know, I'm capable of pulling an all-nighter, too.
It's just that you're so darn sexy.
It's like holding in a sneeze.
Good morning, Mike.
And only Mike.
Morning.
Sugar? Oh, yeah.
There it is.
Ah, that's the sweet stuff.
Oh, yeah! Oh, I'm sorry, did Dylan and I keep you up last night? No.
We slept like babies.
Right after we made love.
For an appropriate amount of time.
So what time did prince charming finally skateboard back to the mobil station? For your information, he's still here.
Well, you need to get him out because we're all going to work.
He can leave when he gets up.
No, we cannot leave a stranger alone in this house.
What if he steals from us? Dylan is not a thief.
How would you know that? Because he doesn't have anything.
A thief would have all sorts of stuff.
She's got you there.
I should go.
Bye, sweetie.
Have a good day, Mike.
And only Mike.
It was scary the way those girls were going at it.
Normally it's a very peaceful household, but things started to get pretty hot.
You talking about hair-pulling, nail-scratching and nipple twisting? What? No, they were just arguing.
Oh.
Well, then you and I have very different ideas of what hot is, my friend.
By the way, I can't make it tonight.
Molly and I have plans.
Man, it's roller derby night.
Foxy chicks on skates.
Look like a fool sitting there by myself.
Sorry, Molly wants us to be all graceful for the wedding so she signed us up for dance classes.
You're taking dance classes? Can I go watch that? That sounds way better than the roller derby.
And I'm guessing twice as many women will be knocked down.
I don't know why I have to take these stupid classes.
For a big man, I'm actually very light on my feet.
I think your feet would have a different opinion.
Hey, I can fake my way through two minutes of slow dancing at my wedding.
I think I'm gonna have to side with Molly on this one.
It's your first dance, and all eyes on you.
Not to mention video cameras and cell phones.
Yeah, that stuff gets on the Internet, and for the next 20 years people are gonna be googling "fat guy backs into wedding cake"" although, it will never be as funny as "fat cop chases hat.
" Mm.
I can't believe you put that on YouTube.
Hey, I made you famous.
As of last week, that thing was up to a hundred thousand hits.
You're beating the masturbating kangaroo.
Great, it's gone.
Your boyfriend stole my iPod.
Think it through, Molly.
If he was gonna steal from us, why would he have borrowed money too? Well, if you're planning on sleeping with him again, you're gonna do it at his place.
I can't stay at his place.
They don't allow women at the halfway house.
Molly, now back off.
Yes, your sister has a faulty picker.
But we don't know for sure that this particular dirtbag is a thief.
Thank you, mom.
Fine, let's pretend that we haven't lost several major appliances after one of Victoria's conjugal visits.
Yeah, I do miss that Margarita machine.
My night stand looks naked without it.
And what kind of a grown man wants a bread maker? The kind of man that likes to bake fresh bread for his wife and children! Sweetie, maybe you should think about a more thorough screening process for your fellas.
You always take her side because you think she's the smart one.
And if we're gonna accuse each other's boyfriends of stealing, why don't you ask your boyfriend what happened to all my pudding cups? Uh-oh.
Sorry about your pudding.
Maybe you could hide 'em better.
She's such a know-it-all.
How do you put up with her? Well, the fact that she has sex with me buys her a lot of goodwill.
I'm so sick of her telling me what to do.
I realize sometimes she can come off like kind of a pit bull, but just remember, it's coming from a very caring place.
Neither of them like anybody I bring home.
Doesn't matter if it's an unemployed drummer or a married orthodontist who likes bread.
Well, as long as you're living with your mom and your sister, they're always gonna be looking out for the baby of the family.
But I'm not a baby.
I know.
You're a beautiful girl with a wonderful, trusting nature, but a lot of guys will take advantage of that.
I lead with my heart, Mike.
And my breasts.
I mean, my breasts are on top so they kind of get there first.
Mom, maybe if you didn't baby her all the time, she wouldn't act so immature.
Well, maybe if you had sense enough to hide your things when there are strangers in the house, you'd still have your iPod.
Oh great, so now it's my fault because I didn't hide my belongings in my own house? Molly, give me a break, I'm trying to get drunk here.
Victoria's outside and she's pretty upset.
Oh really, she's upset? Yeah, crying and everything.
So maybe you ladies could just, I don't know, maybe cut the poor kid a little slack.
Listen, buddy, don't come waltzing into my house and tell me how to run things! Speaking of waltzing, I'm taking dance classes.
Well, you should be taking "shut your piehole" classes.
Mom! I don't need you telling me how to raise my girl and stick to the areas you know best the cupboard and the fridge.
Wow, gun to a knife fight.
Mom, that is my fiancé and a member of this family and you should be a little bit more considerate of his feelings.
Oh, we're being considerate now? Well, maybe someone should consider locking the bathroom door if they're gonna weigh themselves buck naked.
That's really the only way to get an accurate reading.
My underwear alone weighs almost two pounds.
Heads high, eyes on your partner.
I've had to be the responsible one in that house my entire life it's not fair.
Do you think it's fair? Uh I don't know.
Well, don't you have an opinion? No ma'am, I do not.
Why not? Because that "piehole" comment kind of knocked the marbles out of my bag.
One, two, three.
Two, two, three.
Eyes up.
How am I supposed to know what my feet are doing? I'm the only adult living there.
I have to make sure the bills get paid, and I have to maintain the house and work a full-time job.
And if it wasn't for me, those two would be living in a dumpster, fighting cats for chicken bones.
Eyes up.
Yeah, I got it.
I'm gonna dry-gulch that broad.
You know what? I'm done being the responsible one.
They can live their lives however they want.
Different man every night, wine glasses in the shower, I don't care anymore.
They think I'm too controlling, well, no more.
So you think maybe I could lead for a little while? Oh, yeah, sorry.
Hey, you know what would be a great first dance at the wedding? The limbo.
You can't do the limbo.
Doesn't matter.
Bride and groom hold the stick.
There you are.
Well, while you've been out dancing the night away, your sister's upstairs packing to move out.
What? That's horrible.
Please, she threatens to move out once a month.
She packed her bong.
All right, I'll go talk to her.
What family doesn't have its share of drama, huh? Piehole.
Got it.
Wow, you actually got moving boxes this time.
Not your normal stomping down the stairs carrying a pair of shoes and a diaphragm.
Thank you for reminding me.
Come on, I know you're doing this just to get back at me.
No, I'm not.
You don't know everything.
See, here's your stupid iPod.
What are you doing with it? Thought it was my lighter.
So who's the idiot now? You know, none of this would've happened if Molly hadn't given Victoria such a hard time about that creepy boy.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, not that Molly hasn't brought home her fair share of losers.
No offense.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, either add to the conversation or go wait in the garage with all the other tools.
You really want my opinion? 'Cause, you know, it's gonna come out of my piehole.
Spill it.
All right I think Molly might be a bit overprotective of her sister because sometimes you're kind of more of a friend than a parent.
You calling me a bad mother? No, I'm calling you a good friend.
Let me tell you something, there's one parent in this house and you're looking at her.
Look, I didn't mean to imply all I hear is, "mommy, I need this.
"Mommy, I need that.
Mommy, can I borrow $2,800?" Wow, Victoria owes you $2,800? No.
The "smart one" does.
Oh, come on, Victoria, stop this.
You know I love you and I just want what's best for you.
Well, then you need to let this eagle soar.
I am not trying to keep you from soaring.
I'm trying to keep you from flying into a homeless shelter.
I have to move out of here or you'll never treat me like an adult.
That's not true.
I just want you to make smarter choices.
Molly, the smart choices are not always the right choices.
Yeah, they kind of are.
Here we go.
It's just like Mike said.
You're a pit bull and I gotta get as far away from you as I can.
Mike said that? Let me tell you something, if I had a dollar for every time Molly wanted to borrow money from me, she'd want to borrow that too.
All right, Victoria's moving out.
Mike, why don't you help her, since this was your brilliant idea.
What?! You told my baby to move out? God, no.
Oh, don't remember telling the eagle to soar, huh? How about calling your fiancé a pit bull? Now, before you see it as a bad thing pit bulls are actually sweet, loving dogs.
It's the owners who make them mean.
Is that another shot at how I raised my kids? God, no.
Mom, I love you, but I have to do this.
It's the only way, right, Mike? Ooh, look, Victoria, if this is about our conversation on the front porch, you shouldn't pay any attention to me.
I really got my head up my ass.
It'd sure fit.
And why are you listening to him in the first place? Contrary to popular opinion, Molly, I'm the parent in this house.
You told her what I said? Hey, some people aren't good with secrets, some people aren't good with money.
Piehole! I told you I would pay you back with our wedding money.
Wait you're already spending our wedding money? Mike, now is not the time.
And I don't appreciate you gossiping about me to my fiancé.
Oh, I'm sorry, "mommy"" are you gonna send me to bed without any supper? What difference would it make? You drink your dinner, anyway! Hey, I am the one moving out.
This is supposed to be about me! See, I told you it's all for show! Oh, I know that! But a good mother fakes concern! Stop it! Stop it! You're tearing me apart! And just so you know, I've had exactly two glasses of wine! Those aren't glasses, they're aquariums with stems! Hey, if it wasn't for the wine, the two of you wouldn't even be here.
Yeah? With the way you drink, I should have 15 sisters! Don't worry, Molly.
You'd still be the "smart one.
" Why do we even have a lamp there? I can't go back in there, Carl.
I've made a mess of things, and two of them have seen me wet and naked.
Lot of victims in that scenario.
But look, this is the life you've chosen, so suck it up and get in that house.
Will you come in with me? Hell, no.
Can I come home with you? Man, cowardice does not become you.
This is what being in a relationship is all about.
You know, you're not just marrying her, you're marrying all three of them crazy bitches.
What happened to my life? I'm living in a nuthouse, I gotta shower in a jock strap, and dance class was the highlight of my week.
You're also gonna get to spend the rest of your life with the woman that you love.
And yeah, there's gonna be some ups and downs, but all in all, you're one lucky man.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
So strap on your helmet, cover your nuts and belly-crawl to the bedroom.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I really hope so.
Hey, honey.
Where'd you go? Uh, I grabbed a couple of beers with Carl.
Mom and Victoria made some Rice Krispie treats, if you want a little dessert.
Sure.
So everything's good? Everybody's staying? Of course.
Where would anybody be going? Okay.
I'm gonna grab one of those Rice Krispie treats.
Have as many as you want.
You enjoy.
What the hell kind of game are they playing?