Roseanne s02e05 Episode Script
House of Grown-Ups
HA HA HA! AUDIO INPUT, RED THERE.
GOD, IF MY BOSS CALLS ME "DOLL" ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA DEEP-FRY HIS FACE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? DID YOU HAVE A TOUGH DAY AT THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW? YEAH.
I HATE MY BOSS.
I HOPE HE NEVER GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO DRINK? YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? NO, THANKS, DOLL.
OH! EUREKA! HONEY, HOW LATE'S THAT VIDEO STORE OPEN? NO, DAN.
WAIT, NOW.
I HAVE TO SHOW YOU.
NOW, THE TIMER IS PRESET, SO YOU JUST PUT THE TAPE IN THERE, YOU PUSH THAT THING THERE, AND THAT WILL RECORD MY SOAPS.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO RECORD MY SOAPS? NO PROBLEM.
'CAUSE A LOT OF CRITICAL STUFF COULD HAPPEN WHILE I'M AWAY AT POLICE TRAINING SCHOOL.
SOAP OPERAS.
ALL THEM PEOPLE DO IS GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT'S BASED ON REAL LIFE.
WHICH IS WHY I NEVER WATCH 'EM.
DINNER! NOW, LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR FAMILY.
THE PEOPLE AT BAY GARDENS MEDICAL CENTER ARE MY FAMILY.
MY GOD, SHE'S ADDICTED.
BESIDES, IT LOOKS LIKE ALYSSA MAY BE INSTITUTIONALIZED.
AWESOME, IT'S HERE! ARE WE GOING TO RENT SOME MOVIES? LET'S RENT LETHAL WEAPON II, JAWS III, AND NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET IV.
YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GO WASH YOUR HANDS OR I'M GONNA MAKE YOU GUYS WATCH DR.
ZHIVAGO AGAIN.
YOU WANT TO HELP ME SET THE TABLE, SIS? I CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.
WHY NOT? I GOT 6 WEEKS' WORTH OF STUFF TO GET TO BEFORE TOMORROW.
WELL, YOU GOT TO EAT.
YEAH, BUT I CAN PICK UP SOMETHING ON THE WAY HOME.
I HAVEN'T EVEN PACKED YET, AND MY APARTMENT'S A MESS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU EAT WITH US, AND THEN I'LL COME HOME WITH YOU, AND HELP YOU? NO, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY.
YOU'RE TIRED.
I'M NOT TIRED.
YOU KNOW, I CAN HELP YOU GET ORGANIZED.
DID YOU MAKE A LIST OF THE STUFF YOU NEED-- ROSEANNE, I JUST NEED TO BE BY MYSELF.
OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE, ALONE? I REMEMBER THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
MAYBE I'LL COME BY LATER TONIGHT.
WHAT TIME? I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, DO YOU YOU WANT ME TO SAVE YOU SOMETHING? YEAH, SAVE ME MY SOAPS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE! OK, IT'S YOUR NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S BECKY'S NIGHT.
DO 'EM ANYWAY.
WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THEM? 'CAUSE BECKY'S GETTING READY TO GO TO A PARTY.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I GO TO SOME STUPID PARTY? BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA DO THE STUPID DISHES.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T GET INVITED TO PARTIES, 'CAUSE I HAVE DISHPAN HANDS.
WELL, YOU'RE ONLY 13, HONEY.
DID YOU THINK YOUR LOOKS WOULD LAST FOREVER? Becky: MOM, THE EARRINGS? OH, YEAH.
HEY, BEFORE YOU PUT THAT STUFF AWAY, MAKE UP A PLATE FOR AUNT JACKIE.
WHAT, ARE WE DOING TAKE-OUT NOW? SHE'S COMING OVER LATER! WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEEJ? DAVY CROCKETT AND THE RIVER BOAT PIRATES? DIRTY HARRY! [IMITATING CLINT EASTWOOD.]
SO TELL ME, PUNK, HOW LUCKY DO YOU FEEL? VERY LUCKY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE? HOW ABOUT STAR WARS? GREAT! GO GET YOUR COAT.
HONEY! LAMBYKINS, YOU WANNA GO TO THE VIDEO STORE WITH US? NAH.
MOM, WE'RE GETTING STAR WARS! OH.
I'M GONNA STAY HERE IN CASE JACKIE COMES OVER, BUT MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.
HELL, YOU ARE THE FORCE.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
YOU KNOW, WE MAY BE NEEDING THOSE DISHES AGAIN TOMORROW.
HERE, I'LL WASH, YOU DRY.
GREAT.
WHERE YOU GOING? OH, JUST STACK THEM UP OVER THERE, I'LL DRY 'EM LATER.
DARLENE, I HAVE MADE DINNER FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU TO DO THE DISHES? NO, IT'S NOT.
I'M SORRY, I'LL DO 'EM.
YOU CAN GO.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I FEEL LIKE SCALDING MY HANDS ANYWAY.
YOU'RE EXCUSED.
AH, THANKS FOR DOING THE DISHES, DARLENE.
I'LL DO 'EM IT'S OK, I GOT MOM TO DO THEM.
COOL! WHAT'D YOU DO, DROP A PLATE? NO, I DID THE COWERING CHILD ROUTINE.
AAH! I HATE EVERYTHING I OWN.
SO, WHOSE PARTY YOU GOING TO? LYNNE BOYD.
WHO'S SHE? SHE'S A JUNIOR.
THIS IS A COOL TOP.
I HATE THAT TOP.
I LOOK LIKE I'M 14.
YOU ARE 14.
I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE IT.
HEY, THAT LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
REALLY? I WAS JUST PLAYING CLOSET.
WELL, IT LOOKS GOOD.
DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GONNA KEEP IT.
NO, IT'S OK.
WEAR IT.
WAIT A SEC.
OUCH! SORRY.
OK, ONE MORE THING.
OK, DO THIS.
SHAKE YOUR HEAD A LITTLE.
OK, GO LIKE THIS.
YOU NEED MAKEUP.
OH, PLEASE.
I'M SERIOUS, DARLENE.
YOU COULD BE REALLY PRETTY IF YOU TRIED.
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO TO YOUR PARTY WITH DIANE? DIANE ISN'T GOING.
I'M GOING BY MYSELF UNLESS YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME? YEAH, RIGHT! I'M SERIOUS.
I'D BE THE ONLY ONE THERE IN JUNIOR HIGH.
NOBODY HAS TO KNOW THAT.
WELL, THEY'RE GONNA KNOW 'CAUSE NONE OF THE KIDS ARE GONNA KNOW ME.
WE'LL SAY YOU GO TO ST.
MARY'S.
NO WAY! ALL THE GIRLS AT ST.
MARY'S HAVE MUSTACHES AND THICK CALVES.
OK, WE'LL SAY YOU'RE MY COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
YEAH! YOUR RICH COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WE'LL SAY MY NAME ISVIVIAN.
HONEY, I GOT OF CINEMATIC EXTRAVAGANZAS RIGHT HERE IN MY HOT LITTLE HANDS, EACH AND EVERY ONE A CLASSIC.
YEAH, I'LL BET.
THESE ARE ALL COP MOVIES.
I DON'T WANT TO BE REMINDED OF COPS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? LOVE STORIES, COP STORIES, SOMEONE GETS CHASED, SOMEONE GETS CAUGHT, A WOMAN SCREAMS, THE END.
WELL, I DON'T WANT D.
J.
SEEING NOTHING TOO GRAPHIC.
OH, I GOT YOU COVERED, BABE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DAVY CROCKETT? I DON'T KNOW, DAN.
HE KILLED HIMSELF A BEAR WHEN HE WAS ONLY 3.
LET'S WATCH THAT NOW.
WHAT DID YOU GET FOR US TO WATCH LATER? OOH, NEATO! THAT'S PERFECT.
I CAN'T WORK THIS DAMN THING! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT LANGUAGE? THIS ISN'T A THING.
IT'S A VCR.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE CONNER FAMILY CINEPLEX, LOCATED AT 714 DELAWARE STREET.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YES, I'LL TELL HER.
OK, GOODBYE.
WHO WAS IT? THAT WAS YOUR SISTER LOBO-COP.
SHE'S NOT COMING OVER TONIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HER? SHE WAS IN A HURRY.
I WANNA TALK TO HER.
IS SHE HOME? I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ANYWAY? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR 2 1/2 HOURS.
WELL, SHE'S LEAVING FOR 6 WEEKS! AND I AM BESIDE MYSELF ABOUT IT.
WELL, I'M GOING TO MISS HER, DAN.
I MISS HER ALREADY.
WE'VE NEVER BEEN APART THAT LONG.
YOU'LL SEE HER TOMORROW WHEN WE DRIVE HER TO THE BUS STATION.
WELL, YOU'D THINK SHE'D WANT TO SPEND HER LAST NIGHT WITH HER FAMILY.
DON'T FORGET, BABE.
THE PEOPLE AT BAY GARDENS MEDICAL CENTER ARE HER FAMILY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING MY COUSIN VIVIAN FROM CHICAGO.
OOH.
HI, VIVIAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO FINISH DRYING OUR DISHES? IT WAS REALLY MY NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES, MOM.
I'LL DO THEM WHEN I GET HOME.
YOU KNOW, VIVIAN, YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL, AND YET YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE.
I'M TAKING DARLENE TO LYNNE BOYD'S PARTY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE HER TO THAT PARTY.
THERE'LL BE BOYS THERE.
THERE ARE BOYS AT SCHOOL, AND YOU LET ME GO THERE.
DAD? YES? YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME A RIDE.
I'D LOVE TO.
I'M GOING WITH DADDY! DON'T YOU WANT TO STAY HERE WITH ME AND WATCH SOME MOVIES? I WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE.
YOU WANT TO COME WITH US, HONEY? NO, I'LL STAY HERE IN CASE JACKIE CALLS.
UH, KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR SISTER.
I WILL.
YOU GUYS BE HOME BY 8:00.
ALL RIGHT, 11:00.
DAVY DAVY CROCKETT KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER WHO ARE YOU CALLING? IT'S AFTER 11:00.
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING SOMEBODY FOR? YOU GOT A PHONE IN YOUR HAND.
NO, I DON'T.
YOU WERE CALLING JACKIE, WEREN'T YOU? OH, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
AWW.
SHE'S PROBABLY OUT RUNNING AROUND CELEBRATING HER LAST NIGHT OUT BEFORE BOOT CAMP.
YEAH, WE GOTTA DRIVE HER TO THE BUS AT 9:00 TOMORROW.
SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A HELL OF A TIME GETTING UP.
KNOWING JACKIE, SHE'S NOT EVEN PACKED YET.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PACK FOR HER? UH-UH.
I'M NOT GOING NO PLACE TILL BECKY AND DARLENE GET HOME.
AND HOW ABOUT THE TROUBLE IN JOHANNESBURG? WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TRY TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? WELL, I WOULD IF YOU WOULD'VE FIXED THOSE NUCLEAR WARHEADS LIKE I TOLD YOU TO.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
THEY'RE BA-ACK HURRY UP.
COME ON.
GET IN HERE.
MOM? DID YOU GUYS HAVE FUN? IT WAS OK.
BECKY SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SUCKING FACE WITH SOME GUY.
GOOD NIGHT.
I GUESS DARLENE DIDN'T GET ANY.
HERE'S YOUR STINKY VEST, HOT LIPS.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? MY STOMACH.
I'M NAUSEATED.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I TOOK YOU TO THAT PARTY ANYWAYS.
YOU'RE STILL JUST A LITTLE KID.
YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO HAD JIMMY MELTREIGER IN A LIP-LOCK FOR 2 1/2 HOURS.
DARLENE, WHAT I DO IS MY OWN BUSINESS.
HOW ABOUT WHAT YOU DO IN FRONT OF 27 OTHER PEOPLE? IT WAS PRACTICALLY DARK, AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS MAKING OUT.
NOBODY CARES ANYWAY, DARLENE, SO JUST GROW UP.
EVERYBODY WAS STARING AT YOU GUYS.
NO.
YOU WERE STARING AT US.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE KISSING HIM ALL NIGHT.
HE WAS KISSING ME, TOO.
WELL, MOST OF THE TIME.
THE REST OF THE TIME, I WAS KISSING HIM.
YOU LOOKED LIKE THOSE PEOPLE IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER WHO ARE JOINED AT THE HEAD.
DARLENE, YOU CAN'T JUST SIT THERE AND BE KISSED.
YOU GOTTA KISS BACK.
OR YOU CAN BE THE ONE DOING THE KISSING, BUT BOYS DON'T LIKE THAT.
HOW COME? I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY THINK IT'S THEIR JOB OR SOMETHING.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO BREATHE? YOU CAN BREATHE WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
SO, BASICALLY, YOU JUST DO THIS NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU KIND OF THEN YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH A LITTLE BIT.
YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH?! FOR WHAT?! SO YOU CAN SLIP HIM THE TONGUE.
I'M GAGGING! HI, MOM.
HEY.
I HEARD YOU WENT INTO THERMONUCLEAR MELTDOWN WITH SOME GUY.
IT WASN'T JUST SOME GUY.
IT WASN'T NO, IT WAS JIMMY.
YOU ACTUALLY TOUCHED TONGUES?! YEAH.
BET YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR HIGH SCHOOL NOW, HUH? IF ANY GUY PUTS HIS TONGUE IN MY MOUTH, I'LL BARF.
GREAT WAY TO GET A SECOND DATE.
COME HERE AND SIT DOWN.
UH-OH.
HERE COMES THE TALK.
WELL, KISSING GUYS AIN'T ALL THAT BAD.
IN FACT, IT'S KIND OF FUN.
ISN'T IT, BECKY? MOTHER.
JUST SO LONG AS IT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND YOU'RE NOT DOING IT TO ACT COOL OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
WHEN YOU FIRST WENT OUT WITH DADDY, DID YOU WANT TO KISS HIM ALL THE TIME? WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT.
AND YOU KNOW ME.
WORK, WORK, WORK.
WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM? OH, WELL, I AIN'T DECIDED THAT YET.
WE'RE JUST GONNA RAISE YOU KIDS, YOU KNOW, AND THEN, IF WE STILL LIKE KISSING EACH OTHER, THEN WE'LL DECIDE.
WELL, I KISSED MARK WINSTEAD ONCE, AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN MY MOUTH.
YOU KISSED A GUY, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? WE BEAT THE PIRATES 14-ZIP.
HE SAVED MY SHUT-OUT, SO I KISSED HIM.
WELL, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS, DARLENE.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE ON LOVE'S OLD EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
BUT ALL THAT'S STILL A WHILE OFF FOR YOU YET.
I HOPE.
DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOM.
WARREN MARSHALL ASKED FOR DARLENE'S PHONE NUMBER.
'NIGHT, MOM.
'NIGHT, KIDDO.
'NIGHT, BECK.
'NIGHT, DAR.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
WARREN MARSHALL.
WHICH ONE'S HE? HE'S THE ONE WE CALL MANDINGO.
HI, SIS.
HI.
BOY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY READY TO GO.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU.
OH, THANKS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT? I'D ONLY BE GUESSING.
I WENT OVER TO RODBELL'S, AND I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED THIS BAG.
YEAH, I DO, BUT THAT'S YOURS.
THIS IS PRETTY NICE, HUH? 29.
95 ON SALE.
IT'S GOT A 2-YEAR GUARANTEE AGAINST ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE READY TO GO.
READY, WILLING, AND ABLE.
I GOT MY ROOM ASSIGNMENT.
WELL, WHERE ARE THEY PUTTING YOU UP? BARRACKS 21.
SOUNDS PLUSH.
I WANNA GET THERE EARLY 'CAUSE I WANNA GET AN UPPER BUNK.
YEAH, UPPER BUNKS ARE THE BEST.
OH, DEFINITELY.
YOU REMEMBER CAMP WILD OAK? OH, GOD, WILD OAK.
Jackie: THAT GIRL LUCY EMERSON.
OH, LUCY EMERSON.
YOU TOLD LUCY EMERSON THAT THERE WERE POISON-SECRETING SPIDERS ON THE CEILING THAT COULD MAKE HER GO BALD SO THAT YOU COULD GET AN UPPER BUNK.
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF? THEN YOU GOT US OUT OF ROWING BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THAT OUR FATHER HAD BEEN KILLED IN A NAVAL BATTLE.
THAT WAS THE NIGHT WE SNUCK OVER TO THE BOYS' CAMP.
SIS, YOU GONNA SNEAK OVER TO THE BARRACKS AND VISIT ME AT THE ACADEMY? I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER GET GOING, THEN.
YEAH.
OK.
SIS ARE YOU OK? NOT REALLY.
IT'S ONLY GONNA BE FOR 6 WEEKS.
PLUS 3 DAYS OF ORIENTATION.
I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
WELL, ARE YOU GONNA TAKE YOUR STAMPS WITH YA? WHAT FOR? SO YOU CAN WRITE ME.
NO, ROSEANNE.
I'M GONNA BE IN TRAINING.
I'LL PROBABLY BE TOO TIRED TO LIFT A PEN.
BUT YOU COULD WRITE ME.
YOU WRITE GREAT LETTERS.
YOU PROBABLY ALREADY WRITTEN ONE, HUH? ROSEANNE.
WELL, DON'T READ IT NOW.
WHY NOT? OHH.
IT'S SO SWEET.
WELL, I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE LEAVING, DARLENE'S LEAVING.
WHERE'S DARLENE GOING? WELL, SHE WENT TO A PARTY LAST NIGHT.
OHH.
WELL, SHE'S GROWN UP.
JACKIE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
OH, ROSEANNE, DON'T GET SAPPY.
WELL, I WANNA GET SAPPY, AND I WANT YOU TO LET ME GET SAPPY.
OK, SAP AWAY.
YOU'RE GOING AWAY FOREVER.
NO.
I'M NOT.
I'M GONNA BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
BUT MAYBE I'LL BE BETTER.
BUT I LIKE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE NOW.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RUGS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET GOING, OR YOU'LL MISS YOUR BUS.
MY TRUCK'S OUT PARKED IN THE FRONT.
SOME STUPID COP PROBABLY GAVE ME A PARKING TICKET.
OH, SORRY.
I CAN GET THE BAGS IF YOU'LL GRAB THIS STUFF.
YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA CHECK YOUR STOVE.
IT'S OFF.
I NEVER COOK.
REMEMBER? OH LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
OH, WELL.
SHE'S A BIG GIRL NOW.
BYE, MOM! BYE, MOM! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? TO THE MALL.
WHAT FOR? THE USUAL.
WELL, WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK? WHEN WE'RE OUT OF MONEY.
WANT ME TO RUN YOU DOWN THERE? NO, WE'LL TAKE THE BUS.
MOM, I'M GOING OVER TO JOEY'S! WHAT FOR? TO PLAY! Roseanne: OH, OK.
BE HOME FOR DINNER.
I WILL.
YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM BUDGET CLUB? NO.
SEE YOU LATER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING.
JUST GO.
WHAT? NOTHING IS WRONG, DAN.
JUST GO.
IS THIS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE TILL JACKIE COMES MARCHING HOME? THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JACKIE.
THE HELL IT DOESN'T.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD.
IT IS TOO BAD, ROSEANNE.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES.
JUST BECAUSE A BIRD LEAVES THE NEST DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOING TO GET CREAMED BY THE CONCORDE.
OH, THANKS, DAN.
THANKS FOR PUTTING THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE.
HONEY, 6 WEEKS ISN'T THAT LONG OF A TIME.
IT'S ALMOST MY GOD, YOU'VE DONE THE MATH.
SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER.
WELL, YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S ALL GROWN UP NOW.
I KNOW, EVERYBODY'S GROWING UP AND LEAVING ME.
EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY EVERYBODY? YEAH.
JACKIE'S OFF TO BECOME A POLICEWOMAN, DARLENE'S PRACTICALLY DATING, AND BECKY'S GOING TO BE MARRIED AT THIS RATE.
AND D.
J.
's GETTING HIS GROWN-UP TEETH.
HEY, THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JACKIE OR DARLENE OR BECKY OR D.
J.
THIS HAS TO DO WITH ROSEANNE.
YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA BE LEFT ALONE.
WELL, I AM.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M THE GUY THAT'S BEEN STANDING IN LINE ALL THESE YEARS WAITING TO GET YOU BY MYSELF.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT BOAT I'M BUILDING IN THE GARAGE ONLY SLEEPS TWO? BECAUSE THE GARAGE IS TOO SMALL.
COME ON.
CHEER UP.
I'M HERE, AND I'LL BE HERE FOREVER.
GEE, DAN, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL WORSE? AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? COME ON.
YOU GOT ME, AND BABY I GOT YOU OH, DAN, DON'T.
I GOT YOU TO WALK WITH ME I GOT YOU TO TALK WITH ME COME ON, HONEY.
ONE VERSE.
Both: I GOT YOU TO KISS GOODNIGHT I GOT YOU TO HOLD ME TIGHT I GOT YOU AND I WON'T LET GO I GOT YOU TO LOVE ME SO I GOT YOU, BABE Roseanne: "DEAR SIS, HOW ARE YOU?" THAT'S ORIGINAL.
"DEAR SIS, I HOPE YOU SURVIVED "YOUR FIRST WEEK OF TRAINING "AND THAT LIFE IN THE BARRACKS "IS AT THE VERY LEAST CO-ED.
"THINGS ON THE HOME FRONT ARE AS THRILLING AS EVER.
"I TOLD MOM YOU'VE BEEN WORKING REAL LATE "AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVEN'T CALLED HER.
"YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL HER, "HOPEFULLY WHEN I'M NOT THERE.
"YOUR PLACE IS FINE, "I'VE GOT YOUR MAIL, "AND I BORROWED YOUR LILLIAN VERNON CATALOGUE.
"YOUR PLANT IS STILL ALIVEPRETTY MUCH "AND WILL PROBABLY MAKE IT TILL YOU GET BACK.
"HA HA.
"I HOPE I DO.
"LOVE, KISSES, HUGS BLAH BLAH BLAHROSEANNE.
" CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
GOD, IF MY BOSS CALLS ME "DOLL" ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA DEEP-FRY HIS FACE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? DID YOU HAVE A TOUGH DAY AT THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW? YEAH.
I HATE MY BOSS.
I HOPE HE NEVER GRADUATES FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO DRINK? YEAH, WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT? NO, THANKS, DOLL.
OH! EUREKA! HONEY, HOW LATE'S THAT VIDEO STORE OPEN? NO, DAN.
WAIT, NOW.
I HAVE TO SHOW YOU.
NOW, THE TIMER IS PRESET, SO YOU JUST PUT THE TAPE IN THERE, YOU PUSH THAT THING THERE, AND THAT WILL RECORD MY SOAPS.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO RECORD MY SOAPS? NO PROBLEM.
'CAUSE A LOT OF CRITICAL STUFF COULD HAPPEN WHILE I'M AWAY AT POLICE TRAINING SCHOOL.
SOAP OPERAS.
ALL THEM PEOPLE DO IS GET PREGNANT AND DIE.
THAT'S 'CAUSE IT'S BASED ON REAL LIFE.
WHICH IS WHY I NEVER WATCH 'EM.
DINNER! NOW, LOOK, YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR FAMILY.
THE PEOPLE AT BAY GARDENS MEDICAL CENTER ARE MY FAMILY.
MY GOD, SHE'S ADDICTED.
BESIDES, IT LOOKS LIKE ALYSSA MAY BE INSTITUTIONALIZED.
AWESOME, IT'S HERE! ARE WE GOING TO RENT SOME MOVIES? LET'S RENT LETHAL WEAPON II, JAWS III, AND NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET IV.
YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GO WASH YOUR HANDS OR I'M GONNA MAKE YOU GUYS WATCH DR.
ZHIVAGO AGAIN.
YOU WANT TO HELP ME SET THE TABLE, SIS? I CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.
WHY NOT? I GOT 6 WEEKS' WORTH OF STUFF TO GET TO BEFORE TOMORROW.
WELL, YOU GOT TO EAT.
YEAH, BUT I CAN PICK UP SOMETHING ON THE WAY HOME.
I HAVEN'T EVEN PACKED YET, AND MY APARTMENT'S A MESS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU EAT WITH US, AND THEN I'LL COME HOME WITH YOU, AND HELP YOU? NO, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY.
YOU'RE TIRED.
I'M NOT TIRED.
YOU KNOW, I CAN HELP YOU GET ORGANIZED.
DID YOU MAKE A LIST OF THE STUFF YOU NEED-- ROSEANNE, I JUST NEED TO BE BY MYSELF.
OH, YOU MEAN, LIKE, ALONE? I REMEMBER THAT.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.
MAYBE I'LL COME BY LATER TONIGHT.
WHAT TIME? I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, DO YOU YOU WANT ME TO SAVE YOU SOMETHING? YEAH, SAVE ME MY SOAPS.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE! OK, IT'S YOUR NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S BECKY'S NIGHT.
DO 'EM ANYWAY.
WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THEM? 'CAUSE BECKY'S GETTING READY TO GO TO A PARTY.
WELL, WHY CAN'T I GO TO SOME STUPID PARTY? BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA DO THE STUPID DISHES.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T GET INVITED TO PARTIES, 'CAUSE I HAVE DISHPAN HANDS.
WELL, YOU'RE ONLY 13, HONEY.
DID YOU THINK YOUR LOOKS WOULD LAST FOREVER? Becky: MOM, THE EARRINGS? OH, YEAH.
HEY, BEFORE YOU PUT THAT STUFF AWAY, MAKE UP A PLATE FOR AUNT JACKIE.
WHAT, ARE WE DOING TAKE-OUT NOW? SHE'S COMING OVER LATER! WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEEJ? DAVY CROCKETT AND THE RIVER BOAT PIRATES? DIRTY HARRY! [IMITATING CLINT EASTWOOD.]
SO TELL ME, PUNK, HOW LUCKY DO YOU FEEL? VERY LUCKY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE? HOW ABOUT STAR WARS? GREAT! GO GET YOUR COAT.
HONEY! LAMBYKINS, YOU WANNA GO TO THE VIDEO STORE WITH US? NAH.
MOM, WE'RE GETTING STAR WARS! OH.
I'M GONNA STAY HERE IN CASE JACKIE COMES OVER, BUT MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.
HELL, YOU ARE THE FORCE.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
YOU KNOW, WE MAY BE NEEDING THOSE DISHES AGAIN TOMORROW.
HERE, I'LL WASH, YOU DRY.
GREAT.
WHERE YOU GOING? OH, JUST STACK THEM UP OVER THERE, I'LL DRY 'EM LATER.
DARLENE, I HAVE MADE DINNER FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU TO DO THE DISHES? NO, IT'S NOT.
I'M SORRY, I'LL DO 'EM.
YOU CAN GO.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I FEEL LIKE SCALDING MY HANDS ANYWAY.
YOU'RE EXCUSED.
AH, THANKS FOR DOING THE DISHES, DARLENE.
I'LL DO 'EM IT'S OK, I GOT MOM TO DO THEM.
COOL! WHAT'D YOU DO, DROP A PLATE? NO, I DID THE COWERING CHILD ROUTINE.
AAH! I HATE EVERYTHING I OWN.
SO, WHOSE PARTY YOU GOING TO? LYNNE BOYD.
WHO'S SHE? SHE'S A JUNIOR.
THIS IS A COOL TOP.
I HATE THAT TOP.
I LOOK LIKE I'M 14.
YOU ARE 14.
I KNOW, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE IT.
HEY, THAT LOOKS GREAT ON YOU.
REALLY? I WAS JUST PLAYING CLOSET.
WELL, IT LOOKS GOOD.
DON'T WORRY, I'M NOT GONNA KEEP IT.
NO, IT'S OK.
WEAR IT.
WAIT A SEC.
OUCH! SORRY.
OK, ONE MORE THING.
OK, DO THIS.
SHAKE YOUR HEAD A LITTLE.
OK, GO LIKE THIS.
YOU NEED MAKEUP.
OH, PLEASE.
I'M SERIOUS, DARLENE.
YOU COULD BE REALLY PRETTY IF YOU TRIED.
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO GO TO YOUR PARTY WITH DIANE? DIANE ISN'T GOING.
I'M GOING BY MYSELF UNLESS YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME? YEAH, RIGHT! I'M SERIOUS.
I'D BE THE ONLY ONE THERE IN JUNIOR HIGH.
NOBODY HAS TO KNOW THAT.
WELL, THEY'RE GONNA KNOW 'CAUSE NONE OF THE KIDS ARE GONNA KNOW ME.
WE'LL SAY YOU GO TO ST.
MARY'S.
NO WAY! ALL THE GIRLS AT ST.
MARY'S HAVE MUSTACHES AND THICK CALVES.
OK, WE'LL SAY YOU'RE MY COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
YEAH! YOUR RICH COUSIN FROM CHICAGO.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WE'LL SAY MY NAME ISVIVIAN.
HONEY, I GOT OF CINEMATIC EXTRAVAGANZAS RIGHT HERE IN MY HOT LITTLE HANDS, EACH AND EVERY ONE A CLASSIC.
YEAH, I'LL BET.
THESE ARE ALL COP MOVIES.
I DON'T WANT TO BE REMINDED OF COPS.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? LOVE STORIES, COP STORIES, SOMEONE GETS CHASED, SOMEONE GETS CAUGHT, A WOMAN SCREAMS, THE END.
WELL, I DON'T WANT D.
J.
SEEING NOTHING TOO GRAPHIC.
OH, I GOT YOU COVERED, BABE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT DAVY CROCKETT? I DON'T KNOW, DAN.
HE KILLED HIMSELF A BEAR WHEN HE WAS ONLY 3.
LET'S WATCH THAT NOW.
WHAT DID YOU GET FOR US TO WATCH LATER? OOH, NEATO! THAT'S PERFECT.
I CAN'T WORK THIS DAMN THING! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT LANGUAGE? THIS ISN'T A THING.
IT'S A VCR.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
HELLO, AND THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE CONNER FAMILY CINEPLEX, LOCATED AT 714 DELAWARE STREET.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YES, I'LL TELL HER.
OK, GOODBYE.
WHO WAS IT? THAT WAS YOUR SISTER LOBO-COP.
SHE'S NOT COMING OVER TONIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HER? SHE WAS IN A HURRY.
I WANNA TALK TO HER.
IS SHE HOME? I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ANYWAY? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER FOR 2 1/2 HOURS.
WELL, SHE'S LEAVING FOR 6 WEEKS! AND I AM BESIDE MYSELF ABOUT IT.
WELL, I'M GOING TO MISS HER, DAN.
I MISS HER ALREADY.
WE'VE NEVER BEEN APART THAT LONG.
YOU'LL SEE HER TOMORROW WHEN WE DRIVE HER TO THE BUS STATION.
WELL, YOU'D THINK SHE'D WANT TO SPEND HER LAST NIGHT WITH HER FAMILY.
DON'T FORGET, BABE.
THE PEOPLE AT BAY GARDENS MEDICAL CENTER ARE HER FAMILY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING MY COUSIN VIVIAN FROM CHICAGO.
OOH.
HI, VIVIAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO FINISH DRYING OUR DISHES? IT WAS REALLY MY NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES, MOM.
I'LL DO THEM WHEN I GET HOME.
YOU KNOW, VIVIAN, YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL, AND YET YOU REMIND ME OF SOMEONE.
I'M TAKING DARLENE TO LYNNE BOYD'S PARTY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE HER TO THAT PARTY.
THERE'LL BE BOYS THERE.
THERE ARE BOYS AT SCHOOL, AND YOU LET ME GO THERE.
DAD? YES? YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME A RIDE.
I'D LOVE TO.
I'M GOING WITH DADDY! DON'T YOU WANT TO STAY HERE WITH ME AND WATCH SOME MOVIES? I WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE.
YOU WANT TO COME WITH US, HONEY? NO, I'LL STAY HERE IN CASE JACKIE CALLS.
UH, KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR SISTER.
I WILL.
YOU GUYS BE HOME BY 8:00.
ALL RIGHT, 11:00.
DAVY DAVY CROCKETT KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER WHO ARE YOU CALLING? IT'S AFTER 11:00.
WHY DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING SOMEBODY FOR? YOU GOT A PHONE IN YOUR HAND.
NO, I DON'T.
YOU WERE CALLING JACKIE, WEREN'T YOU? OH, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.
AWW.
SHE'S PROBABLY OUT RUNNING AROUND CELEBRATING HER LAST NIGHT OUT BEFORE BOOT CAMP.
YEAH, WE GOTTA DRIVE HER TO THE BUS AT 9:00 TOMORROW.
SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A HELL OF A TIME GETTING UP.
KNOWING JACKIE, SHE'S NOT EVEN PACKED YET.
WHY DON'T YOU GO PACK FOR HER? UH-UH.
I'M NOT GOING NO PLACE TILL BECKY AND DARLENE GET HOME.
AND HOW ABOUT THE TROUBLE IN JOHANNESBURG? WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TRY TO STRAIGHTEN OUT THE SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? WELL, I WOULD IF YOU WOULD'VE FIXED THOSE NUCLEAR WARHEADS LIKE I TOLD YOU TO.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
THEY'RE BA-ACK HURRY UP.
COME ON.
GET IN HERE.
MOM? DID YOU GUYS HAVE FUN? IT WAS OK.
BECKY SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT SUCKING FACE WITH SOME GUY.
GOOD NIGHT.
I GUESS DARLENE DIDN'T GET ANY.
HERE'S YOUR STINKY VEST, HOT LIPS.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? MY STOMACH.
I'M NAUSEATED.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I TOOK YOU TO THAT PARTY ANYWAYS.
YOU'RE STILL JUST A LITTLE KID.
YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO HAD JIMMY MELTREIGER IN A LIP-LOCK FOR 2 1/2 HOURS.
DARLENE, WHAT I DO IS MY OWN BUSINESS.
HOW ABOUT WHAT YOU DO IN FRONT OF 27 OTHER PEOPLE? IT WAS PRACTICALLY DARK, AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS MAKING OUT.
NOBODY CARES ANYWAY, DARLENE, SO JUST GROW UP.
EVERYBODY WAS STARING AT YOU GUYS.
NO.
YOU WERE STARING AT US.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE KISSING HIM ALL NIGHT.
HE WAS KISSING ME, TOO.
WELL, MOST OF THE TIME.
THE REST OF THE TIME, I WAS KISSING HIM.
YOU LOOKED LIKE THOSE PEOPLE IN NATIONAL ENQUIRER WHO ARE JOINED AT THE HEAD.
DARLENE, YOU CAN'T JUST SIT THERE AND BE KISSED.
YOU GOTTA KISS BACK.
OR YOU CAN BE THE ONE DOING THE KISSING, BUT BOYS DON'T LIKE THAT.
HOW COME? I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY THINK IT'S THEIR JOB OR SOMETHING.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO BREATHE? YOU CAN BREATHE WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
SO, BASICALLY, YOU JUST DO THIS NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU KIND OF THEN YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH A LITTLE BIT.
YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH?! FOR WHAT?! SO YOU CAN SLIP HIM THE TONGUE.
I'M GAGGING! HI, MOM.
HEY.
I HEARD YOU WENT INTO THERMONUCLEAR MELTDOWN WITH SOME GUY.
IT WASN'T JUST SOME GUY.
IT WASN'T NO, IT WAS JIMMY.
YOU ACTUALLY TOUCHED TONGUES?! YEAH.
BET YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR HIGH SCHOOL NOW, HUH? IF ANY GUY PUTS HIS TONGUE IN MY MOUTH, I'LL BARF.
GREAT WAY TO GET A SECOND DATE.
COME HERE AND SIT DOWN.
UH-OH.
HERE COMES THE TALK.
WELL, KISSING GUYS AIN'T ALL THAT BAD.
IN FACT, IT'S KIND OF FUN.
ISN'T IT, BECKY? MOTHER.
JUST SO LONG AS IT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND YOU'RE NOT DOING IT TO ACT COOL OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
WHEN YOU FIRST WENT OUT WITH DADDY, DID YOU WANT TO KISS HIM ALL THE TIME? WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT.
AND YOU KNOW ME.
WORK, WORK, WORK.
WHEN DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM? OH, WELL, I AIN'T DECIDED THAT YET.
WE'RE JUST GONNA RAISE YOU KIDS, YOU KNOW, AND THEN, IF WE STILL LIKE KISSING EACH OTHER, THEN WE'LL DECIDE.
WELL, I KISSED MARK WINSTEAD ONCE, AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO OPEN MY MOUTH.
YOU KISSED A GUY, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? WE BEAT THE PIRATES 14-ZIP.
HE SAVED MY SHUT-OUT, SO I KISSED HIM.
WELL, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS, DARLENE.
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'RE ON LOVE'S OLD EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.
BUT ALL THAT'S STILL A WHILE OFF FOR YOU YET.
I HOPE.
DON'T BE TOO SURE, MOM.
WARREN MARSHALL ASKED FOR DARLENE'S PHONE NUMBER.
'NIGHT, MOM.
'NIGHT, KIDDO.
'NIGHT, BECK.
'NIGHT, DAR.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.
WARREN MARSHALL.
WHICH ONE'S HE? HE'S THE ONE WE CALL MANDINGO.
HI, SIS.
HI.
BOY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY READY TO GO.
HEY, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT YOU.
OH, THANKS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT? I'D ONLY BE GUESSING.
I WENT OVER TO RODBELL'S, AND I BOUGHT MYSELF THIS.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED THIS BAG.
YEAH, I DO, BUT THAT'S YOURS.
THIS IS PRETTY NICE, HUH? 29.
95 ON SALE.
IT'S GOT A 2-YEAR GUARANTEE AGAINST ALL KINDS OF STUFF.
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE READY TO GO.
READY, WILLING, AND ABLE.
I GOT MY ROOM ASSIGNMENT.
WELL, WHERE ARE THEY PUTTING YOU UP? BARRACKS 21.
SOUNDS PLUSH.
I WANNA GET THERE EARLY 'CAUSE I WANNA GET AN UPPER BUNK.
YEAH, UPPER BUNKS ARE THE BEST.
OH, DEFINITELY.
YOU REMEMBER CAMP WILD OAK? OH, GOD, WILD OAK.
Jackie: THAT GIRL LUCY EMERSON.
OH, LUCY EMERSON.
YOU TOLD LUCY EMERSON THAT THERE WERE POISON-SECRETING SPIDERS ON THE CEILING THAT COULD MAKE HER GO BALD SO THAT YOU COULD GET AN UPPER BUNK.
HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF? THEN YOU GOT US OUT OF ROWING BECAUSE YOU TOLD THEM THAT OUR FATHER HAD BEEN KILLED IN A NAVAL BATTLE.
THAT WAS THE NIGHT WE SNUCK OVER TO THE BOYS' CAMP.
SIS, YOU GONNA SNEAK OVER TO THE BARRACKS AND VISIT ME AT THE ACADEMY? I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER GET GOING, THEN.
YEAH.
OK.
SIS ARE YOU OK? NOT REALLY.
IT'S ONLY GONNA BE FOR 6 WEEKS.
PLUS 3 DAYS OF ORIENTATION.
I'LL BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
WELL, ARE YOU GONNA TAKE YOUR STAMPS WITH YA? WHAT FOR? SO YOU CAN WRITE ME.
NO, ROSEANNE.
I'M GONNA BE IN TRAINING.
I'LL PROBABLY BE TOO TIRED TO LIFT A PEN.
BUT YOU COULD WRITE ME.
YOU WRITE GREAT LETTERS.
YOU PROBABLY ALREADY WRITTEN ONE, HUH? ROSEANNE.
WELL, DON'T READ IT NOW.
WHY NOT? OHH.
IT'S SO SWEET.
WELL, I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE LEAVING, DARLENE'S LEAVING.
WHERE'S DARLENE GOING? WELL, SHE WENT TO A PARTY LAST NIGHT.
OHH.
WELL, SHE'S GROWN UP.
JACKIE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
OH, ROSEANNE, DON'T GET SAPPY.
WELL, I WANNA GET SAPPY, AND I WANT YOU TO LET ME GET SAPPY.
OK, SAP AWAY.
YOU'RE GOING AWAY FOREVER.
NO.
I'M NOT.
I'M GONNA BE BACK BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
BUT MAYBE I'LL BE BETTER.
BUT I LIKE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE NOW.
EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RUGS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET GOING, OR YOU'LL MISS YOUR BUS.
MY TRUCK'S OUT PARKED IN THE FRONT.
SOME STUPID COP PROBABLY GAVE ME A PARKING TICKET.
OH, SORRY.
I CAN GET THE BAGS IF YOU'LL GRAB THIS STUFF.
YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA CHECK YOUR STOVE.
IT'S OFF.
I NEVER COOK.
REMEMBER? OH LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
OH, WELL.
SHE'S A BIG GIRL NOW.
BYE, MOM! BYE, MOM! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? TO THE MALL.
WHAT FOR? THE USUAL.
WELL, WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK? WHEN WE'RE OUT OF MONEY.
WANT ME TO RUN YOU DOWN THERE? NO, WE'LL TAKE THE BUS.
MOM, I'M GOING OVER TO JOEY'S! WHAT FOR? TO PLAY! Roseanne: OH, OK.
BE HOME FOR DINNER.
I WILL.
YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM BUDGET CLUB? NO.
SEE YOU LATER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? NOTHING.
JUST GO.
WHAT? NOTHING IS WRONG, DAN.
JUST GO.
IS THIS HOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE TILL JACKIE COMES MARCHING HOME? THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JACKIE.
THE HELL IT DOESN'T.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YEAH, IT'S TOO BAD.
IT IS TOO BAD, ROSEANNE.
IT'S TOO BAD YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES.
JUST BECAUSE A BIRD LEAVES THE NEST DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOING TO GET CREAMED BY THE CONCORDE.
OH, THANKS, DAN.
THANKS FOR PUTTING THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE.
HONEY, 6 WEEKS ISN'T THAT LONG OF A TIME.
IT'S ALMOST MY GOD, YOU'VE DONE THE MATH.
SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER.
WELL, YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S ALL GROWN UP NOW.
I KNOW, EVERYBODY'S GROWING UP AND LEAVING ME.
EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY EVERYBODY? YEAH.
JACKIE'S OFF TO BECOME A POLICEWOMAN, DARLENE'S PRACTICALLY DATING, AND BECKY'S GOING TO BE MARRIED AT THIS RATE.
AND D.
J.
's GETTING HIS GROWN-UP TEETH.
HEY, THIS DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH JACKIE OR DARLENE OR BECKY OR D.
J.
THIS HAS TO DO WITH ROSEANNE.
YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA BE LEFT ALONE.
WELL, I AM.
WHAT ABOUT ME? I'M THE GUY THAT'S BEEN STANDING IN LINE ALL THESE YEARS WAITING TO GET YOU BY MYSELF.
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT BOAT I'M BUILDING IN THE GARAGE ONLY SLEEPS TWO? BECAUSE THE GARAGE IS TOO SMALL.
COME ON.
CHEER UP.
I'M HERE, AND I'LL BE HERE FOREVER.
GEE, DAN, ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL WORSE? AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? COME ON.
YOU GOT ME, AND BABY I GOT YOU OH, DAN, DON'T.
I GOT YOU TO WALK WITH ME I GOT YOU TO TALK WITH ME COME ON, HONEY.
ONE VERSE.
Both: I GOT YOU TO KISS GOODNIGHT I GOT YOU TO HOLD ME TIGHT I GOT YOU AND I WON'T LET GO I GOT YOU TO LOVE ME SO I GOT YOU, BABE Roseanne: "DEAR SIS, HOW ARE YOU?" THAT'S ORIGINAL.
"DEAR SIS, I HOPE YOU SURVIVED "YOUR FIRST WEEK OF TRAINING "AND THAT LIFE IN THE BARRACKS "IS AT THE VERY LEAST CO-ED.
"THINGS ON THE HOME FRONT ARE AS THRILLING AS EVER.
"I TOLD MOM YOU'VE BEEN WORKING REAL LATE "AND THAT'S WHY YOU HAVEN'T CALLED HER.
"YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL HER, "HOPEFULLY WHEN I'M NOT THERE.
"YOUR PLACE IS FINE, "I'VE GOT YOUR MAIL, "AND I BORROWED YOUR LILLIAN VERNON CATALOGUE.
"YOUR PLANT IS STILL ALIVEPRETTY MUCH "AND WILL PROBABLY MAKE IT TILL YOU GET BACK.
"HA HA.
"I HOPE I DO.
"LOVE, KISSES, HUGS BLAH BLAH BLAHROSEANNE.
" CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL