Rules of Engagement s02e05 Episode Script

That was great, man.
I love watching games on your hi-def TV.
You keeping bringing that six-pack admission charge, and you're welcome anytime.
All I know is, when I watch my regular low-def TV, I wanna stab myself in the eyes with a fork.
Well, don't do that.
Then you won't be able to find your way over here with the beer.
See you later.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
I just saw Jennifer in the hall.
She's got a present for you.
Ooh, I'll bet she does.
What is it? I'm not gonna ruin the surprise.
But make sure you are excited when she gives it to you.
I bet- Okay, shut up.
Well, I can't wait to see it.
Uh, hey, uh, can grab a beer to go? Yeah, sure, help yourself.
And how was girls' night out? Did you guys play Truth or Dare and try on each other's bras? Actually, it was fun.
Once you get those girls out of the office, they are not afraid to drink.
You know Theresa? I don't think so.
No, you've only met her about nine times.
She and her husband are swingers.
Maybe I should meet her a tenth time.
You know Mary? Who? You call her Bug Eyes.
Bug Eyes, that's a great nickname.
Tonight, she told us she and her husband only have phone sex.
Probably because he doesn't wanna look into those buggy eyes.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do you talk about our sex life with your girlfriends? Well, come on.
I gotta contribute something.
Tonight I told them that when you sweat during sex, your chest hair looks like the rain forest.
And? And that's it.
That's how you compete with swinging and phone sex? Sweaty chest hair? Why, what do you want me to tell them? I don't know, maybe something that includes the words "satisfied," "exhausted" or maybe "filthy.
" Oh, yeah? Are those the kind of stories you tell Russell and Adam? I don't tell stories to them.
Oh, please! Do not tell me you guys don't talk about sex.
They do.
Adam implies things, Russell gives details and demonstrates with the salt and pepper shakers.
But I'm a gentleman.
But maybe now I'll just tell them everything.
Everything? All right, both things.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Um, this isn't the front end of some kind of bulimia thing, is it? No.
I don't always eat like this.
Oh.
Like Jodie Foster in Nell? Ha-ha! I think you're older than I am.
Oh, no.
I- I caught it on Nickelodeon the other night.
Are you gonna eat your bacon? No, no, go ahead.
So, uh, your appetite for food this morning almost matches your appetite for me last night.
You were pretty energetic yourself.
Ha-ha! Well, the little guy's got something to prove.
Anyway, I'm glad I decided to cut through the park yesterday, or I would never have seen you playing guitar.
Yeah, sorry I didn't know that song you requested.
Oh, yeah, you should learn it.
"9 to 5," it's a classic.
So am I gonna see you again? Well, I'm a really good cook.
How about tonight I go to your place and make you dinner? Ooh, how Ward and June Cleaver.
I mean, uh, Ross and Rachel.
I'll tell the doorman to let you in.
And as a way of saying thanks, I've got a surprise for you.
What? I'm not gonna finish my bagel.
Okay, we got time.
Mm, mm.
When I saw this, I thought it would be perfect for you.
Uh, is it a machine that makes your clothes fall off? Heh.
No, that machine is called a corkscrew.
Hey, go ahead, open it.
All right.
Hee-hee! Wow.
This is for me? Do you like it? Look at it.
Oh.
Oh, I bet there's something inside.
Yes, there is.
Ahh.
It's a pad for the shoulder strap.
Wo- Wow.
It's so cushy.
What's the occasion? Well, I saw you taping up your old backpack.
I thought you're doing so well at work, you should look more stylish.
You know, more like a real grownup.
Oh, but- But my backpack has a four-pen cubby.
Look, I had to go to like three different stores, and I was so excited when I saw this one.
Ah, the other ones weren't this great? Okay, I know it's not something you would normally use, but trust me, I know style.
These are very in.
Come on, try it on.
Uh, mm, okay.
Okay, walk around.
Come on, strut your stuff.
You're a rising young executive about town.
I mean You look fabulous.
Heh-heh.
I feel fabulous.
Totally.
Oh, my God.
What is that? It was a gift from Jennifer.
And now it's a gift for us.
I, uh- I didn't say anything, because I figured we could do it together.
Hey, why don't you just not do it? Whoo, don't get your panties- Which I assume are in your purse.
in a bunch.
It's not a purse, okay? It's a messenger bag.
And the message is: It's a purse.
Mm-hm.
Probably no panties in there, though.
No room, what with all the douches.
All right, look, I don't like it either.
But Jennifer was so excited, she made such an effort to find it, I- I just couldn't disappoint her.
That's very nice of you, but now you're stuck using it forever.
Yep, all the way through menopause.
Make your stupid jokes, all right? But guess what.
Last night wasn't the only gift I got.
Ooh, I'm listening.
All right, so I'm taking a shower.
Jennifer decides to join me.
Rub-a-dub-dub.
I'm getting it in the tub.
Not bad, but check this out: Yesterday, I cut through the park, I see some chick playing the guitar.
After 10 minutes of pretending I like the Grateful Dead, who suck, we go back to my place and we proceed to do it everywhere.
We go in the bedroom.
In the kitchen- Wha-? Yeah.
In the living room.
"I'm tired.
" "I'm not.
" Hey, I got a story to tell.
Yeah? Ah, really? Couple years back- "Couple years back"? All right.
All right, okay.
You know what? All right, more recently, I, uh That bag is for girls.
I am shocked you wanted to meet me here.
You hate shopping.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I love shopping.
How you doing? Here you go.
Okay.
I am gonna model the dresses for you.
You tell me which one you like best.
The one marked "clearance.
" Done.
Go ahead.
You gonna help me? Yes, I am.
Oh, are you crazy? What are-? Crazy for love.
Come on, let's live a little.
No.
No.
No.
Not here.
No.
Why not? Uh, well, for starters, I'd be looking at my butt from 12 different angles.
Come on, what's gotten into you? You had no good stories to tell your friends, I had none to tell mine.
This could be a good story.
Once upon a time I had you in a dressing room.
You do know there's other people in here, right? Sorry.
Things aren't dull.
They're fine.
Oh, stop with the dirty talk.
All right, maybe our sex could be a little more creative and spontaneous.
Starting now.
I'm here with my grandmother.
Shush, they're about to do it.
Okay, okay, look.
Y- you want spontaneous? Let's go get a room at the Winser Suites right now.
Now, look, if I'm paying for a four-star hotel, I expect four-star sex.
Oh, I think, actually, it's a five-star hotel.
All right.
Well, better stop and get some Gatorade.
Oh, look at that, they fixed it.
Oh.
Yeah.
Stupid low-def TV.
Dumb bag.
Hey.
Hey.
I just ran into Russell.
We're meeting him and his new girlfriend for a movie.
Girlfriend? What, she's his girlfriend now? I guess.
Russell says she's over at his place all the time now, so it's girlfriend or hostage.
Either way, she's handcuffed to the bed.
That's gonna be a disturbing salt and pepper reenactment.
What you doing? Ah, just watching some tube with the bag.
Have you gotten any compliments about it? Compliments? No.
No compliments.
I've got some comments, though, from the guys.
Well, that's typical.
Those guys make fun of you for anything.
They make fun of you for using hair gel.
What do they say? Who cares what those idiots think? They know nothing about style.
They know how to insult it.
Well, they should talk.
Russell always looks like he's wearing a Starsky and Hutch Halloween costume.
Hey, why don't you take the bag to the movie tonight? That'll show Russell you don't care what he thinks.
Ah, or we can leave it here.
I mean, it's not like I'm carrying anything.
That is another benefit of the bag.
We can use it to sneak drinks in so we don't have to pay their crazy prices.
That- But it's kind of how they make their money, though.
And look.
There's still so much room.
I don't even have to bring my purse.
Hee! That makes one of us.
Whoa-ho-ho, nice room.
Not for long.
We are going to wreck this place with some crazy sex.
Hey, midtown, enjoy the show.
All right.
What do you think about this? I like it.
But it too will be destroyed.
Hey, big boy.
Why don't you call room service and, uh, have them bring us some champagne and strawberries and maybe a little whipped cream? You look so hot- Hee-hee-hee! - I'm almost not thinking about the delivery surcharge and mandatory 18 percent gratuity.
Almost.
I gotta tell you, I really like your whole attitude about, uh- Whoa.
Look at this.
Happy hour in the hospitality suite.
Complimentary wine and cheese, hot hors d'oeuvres, sushi.
Hmmm.
You know, they call it complimentary, but it- It's built into the price.
And so we lose money if we don't go.
It ends at 6:30.
Ah! It's almost 6 now.
Uh, wh-what about destroying the room with our crazy, nasty sex? Oh, we're doing that.
No doubt.
But how about we go to happy hour, chug a lot of fancy wine, we make dinner out of the hors d'oeuvres, come back here, tear it up? Ha-ha-ha! Best of both worlds.
I'll go get dressed.
All right, see you down there.
Claire seems pretty cool.
Yeah, she is.
She's different.
I don't have to take her out to fancy restaurants or clubs.
She's happy just hanging out at my place.
Sounds nice.
She appreciates the little things.
That's perfect for you.
Purse.
I don't care what you think, okay? This thing isn't that bad.
I mean, look.
That guy has one too.
See? He looks pretty cool.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's so excellent.
I don't think it's possible to drink more wine in that short a time than we just did.
Not without a funnel.
I'll put the sushi in the minibar for later.
God, this bed is so comfortable.
All the better for the doing it.
Ahhh.
So, what do you say? You gonna shimmy back into that sex getup you had on before? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I will, I will.
Come here and snuggle for one minute.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Good.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
And, hey, you know what? They got in-room movies.
Oh, yeah? Do you wanna watch something dirty to get us in the mood? Nice.
Whoa.
Spider-Man 3.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That sounds good too.
Yeah? "On.
Movies.
"New releases.
Adventure.
Spider-Man 3.
Thirteen ninety-five.
" Too buzzed to care.
"Purchase.
" Okay.
And here we go.
Mm-hm.
Hm, yeah.
Hee! You had to call Jeff.
Ask her if he's jealous that he didn't get a kiss too.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Heh! Okay.
Whoa.
Guy from Wings is made out of sand.
Can we go to our seats now? All right.
That's a great bag.
Thanks.
Heh.
These two guys just told Wow, I haven't been to this theatre since I used to live on this side of town.
Oh, where do you live now? All over, really.
Sometimes 14th Street, sometimes Christopher Street.
When I can, I crash with friends.
So you're between apartments? Yeah.
Going on five years.
I don't understand.
Where do you live? I live in the moment.
Does the moment have an address? Some people would call it homeless, but I just don't wanna be tied down to one place.
I can do what I want, when I want.
I get that.
And I'm not really into things.
Oh.
I kinda like things.
But I once camped out overnight for Bon Jovi tickets.
So does Russell know? No.
We mostly talk about him.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
Sorry to interrupt the girl talk.
What is it? "I like shopping, I like boys, let's buy a scrunchie.
" Heh! Am I close? Yeah, bull's-eye.
What? Hmm.
Popcorn's so good.
You can have mine.
Have some of ours.
Yeah, you want all this? I've got some Red Vines.
Oh, and my scarf.
Here's a scarf.
Oh, my God.
That was the most amazing night.
Oh, definitely.
Best I ever had.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Mmm.
I'm sorry we didn't have crazy sex.
Or any sex.
It's fine.
It was the perfect night of sleep.
Sex would have ruined it.
Does this prove we're dull? Tsk! Look, it's like you said, we're fine.
We have nothing to prove.
We've proven it already.
We have.
We have done it in some pretty wild places.
Like stairwells, cars Canada.
You know, uh, there's an hour and half before checkout.
We could still do it.
Or we could sleep some more.
Ah, I was hoping you'd say that.
Tonight when we get back to the apartment, we can do it in that bed that I now hate.
Mmm.
Hey, can we play real estate lady showing a lonely businessman an apartment he might rent? Mmm.
Maybe the businessman takes the real estate lady out for an expensive, romantic dinner first? It seems a little unprofessional.
Hey, Adam.
Hey.
So how'd it go? You break things off with Boxcar Willie? Well, I was going to, but then I realized even though she's homeless, she's still a good person.
So I'm gonna keep seeing her.
Surprisingly deep.
Yeah, plus I look like a hero giving her three hots and a cot.
And back to the shallow end.
Saves a lot of money on dates.
Your leftovers, her dinner.
Hey, could I get a to-go container for this, please? Guys, got a great story.
All right.
All right, so Audrey and I just finished playing real estate lady and lonely businessman, so- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you-? What are you doing? Yeah, come on.
What's the problem? Well, nothing's less hot than a married guy's sex story.
She's your wife, man.
Yeah, but she wasn't acting like my wife.
She was, uh, Mona.
A buxom- Ah! "Buxom.
" Why'd you say that? What are you doing? Show your lady some respect.
Oh, wait, I chewed on that piece.
It's a little gristle.
Ah, I'll bury it in rice.
She'll never know.
Hey, sign the check.
Let's go.
I got a pen.
Is, uh? Is that a, uh? No wonder you're so cranky.
All right, you know what? Here, here.
Here's your new to-go bag.
All right.
Then what are you gonna tell Jennifer? That I got mugged.
By who, the Village People? Claire.
Oh.
Hey, Russell.
Hey.
Who's this guy? Tim.
We're part of the same drum circle.
Oh.
Well, were you guys together or something? I'm sorry, Russell.
It's over.
What? What, you're breaking up with me? But I have shelter.
That's the thing.
You're just too trapped by your material possessions.
Oh, forgive me for having an iPod.
Well, we did have some good times, didn't we? Kind of.
Wow.
Okay, great.
Um, I'll see you around.
Oh, and here's some leftover chicken à la king.
Fabulous bag.
You like it? Love it.
Ha-ha! It's yours.
You'll be back.