South Park s02e05 Episode Script

Ok children it's Friday and you know what that means for PE class.
We're gonna play dodgeball! - We don't wanna play dodgeball.
It hurts.
So let's have half of the children on this side, and half the children on that side.
Excuse me a moment gentlemen, I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
- What? Don't you have dodgeball in France? - Well no.
And actually I'm not from France.
Look Pip the rules are simple.
The kid from that team is gonna try to beam the kid on our team with a big red ball.
- Oh dear.
- If the ball hits you, you're out.
But if you catch the ball, he's out.
- And the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
- Oh what jolly good fun! No it isn't it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
Play ball! - Damn it, we lost one already.
- You're out Clyde.
Jordan, Swatson, pull forward! We need backup! We're loosing men fast out here! Concentrate on your game.
Be the ball.
- I caught it! I caught it! - Great catch Kyle.
Now your team's on offense.
- Here Pip, you throw it.
- Uh, oh no I couldn't.
- Come on limey.
Don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a French pansy your whole life? - I'm not French Throw the ball you stupid frog.
God damn maybe if you didn't eat all those crossaints be able to get Ok, that was pretty good Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Ow my nose! You broke my nose! - Damn Pip, I didn't know you had it in you.
- Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry! That nose is bleeding pretty bad Kyle.
I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
- No! No it'll be ok.
- Sorry son, you'll have to let the nurse look at it.
Come on! Dude.
He's going to the nurse's office.
- I heard the school nurse is heidiously deformed.
I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it? No Cartman.
Nobody ever has.
Are you Kyle Broslofski? - Ye.
.
Yes.
- I'm the school nurse, did you hurt your nose? Young man, why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
- I know.
- So open them.
- Now, what seems to be the problem? - Oh, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Oh, well I'll get you an ice-pack.
Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder.
I have a still born fetus growth attached to my head.
And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
- Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk? - No! No it looked dead! - Was it wearing clothes? - Dude! Where's she gonna get fetus clothes? - And then she walked over - Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of.
- It's called conjoined twin myslexia.
- Who the hell cares what it's called! As long as she doesn't touch me! Now that's just the kind of unawairness that we need to fight against.
Sit down boys.
You see boys, sometimes when babies are born, they're born as twins.
But sometimes the twins get hooked together and they're born as Siamese twins.
Sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth.
The living baby is born, with the dead baby still attached.
Sometimes, the dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it! So now that you're edjucated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her, right boobie? Uhh yeah.
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman.
Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day.
- Hello Sheila? It's Sharon.
Stan's mother? - Oh yes, hello Sharon.
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an icepick? - No! I have to get it out! Well Sharon, I was just trying to edjucate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
So this is your fault! Would you do me a favor? Next time you wanna scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road till a truck runs you over instead.
That does it! I must edjucate the entire town about this awful disease.
Dude, I don't get it.
Why are we playing dodgeball again? Yeah.
I thought we only played on Fridays.
Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the state finals for dodgeball! - Do we have to? - Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something? You don't understand children.
If we can win state, we can play in the nationals in Washington DC.
- Hey! They have a zoo there! - That's right.
Now come on, we have a lot of practicing to do.
Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to state finals? Hey Pip? You wanna be on my team again? Oh I'd love to! Oh, just try not to send anybody to that monster nurse this time, Frenchie.
Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that.
You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
And besides I hate French people.
Well Mrs.
Broslofski, it certainly is a thrill seeing you cheery face again.
What seems to be pissing you off today? Nothing is pissing me off.
I just want to start a movement.
Ahh, of course you do.
I wanna talk to you all about your school nurse.
- Nurse Gulemn is absolutely qualified to be - No, no, no.
I'm not upset about her.
I want to make the public aware of her.
Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
Ooh, and now what disease it that? Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
- What's that? - She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
- Gasp! She does?? - You uh, you never noticed that? - No, I never did.
- Well that's exactly what I'm talking about.
This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast.
It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in out town.
Did you say a fetus? Sticking out from her head? I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening.
I'd appreciate if both you and Mr.
Mackey would attend.
Do we have to eat Kosher stuff? I'll talk to nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'd be delighted.
Say around 8? - Wonderful! - Now you did say she has a fetus, on her head? Ok children, now who's gonna win the state finals? - Denver? - Here we go cows, here we go, uh-uh.
Here we go cows here we go, uh-uh.
- I think we need to get off on this exit.
- Sit down kid!!! - But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way! - Do you want an office referal? How many times do I have to explain this to you, I'm not a student.
You can't give me an office referal.
- I said sit down!!!! - Yes ma'am.
Whoa dude! This is the school? Hello there.
I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park cows.
Well I certainly wanna thank you for bringing your team down.
Apparently nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly.
So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.
You're from South Park, yeah? - Yeah.
My god, amazing where people can live nowadays.
Well we might as well get this overwith, we gotta start thinking about D.
C.
Promise we won't make it too painful.
Play ball! - So where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum? - Colorado State.
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus? I mean gravy! Damn it! Come on! Somebody catch the ball.
Alright boys, just 5 more of the little bastards to go.
- I caught it! I caught it! - That's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly! - South Park on offense! - Great job children! Just stay focused now.
- Go for it, Pip.
- Oh bother.
Come on you Frenchie little frog! Great shot Pip! So I heard that the South Park cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
The Denver team always wins, mmkay.
Oh I don't know.
I think our boys just might have the dead fetus to win.
Heart! - Gerald! Keep your damn mouth shut! - It's ok Mrs.
Broslofski, really.
- Please, forgive us, I'm terribly sorry Nurse Gollum.
- No, I'm quite secure with it.
I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you.
They're just young boys.
Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Could I get some more pork? So did you ever think of you just you know, having it cut off? Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occured to me, unfortunately it would mean my death.
- Oh! So I suppose that's out.
How about a hat then? - No, really I don't need Yes! We could get you a few hats, and you could wear a different one every day.
I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary.
I'm a pretty happy person.
Got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you! Oh yes, a conjoined twin myslexia awareness week.
You know that has a nice ring.
- I really don't think - The school could put out pamphlets, mmkay.
And we could have seminars to edjucate, mmkay.
Oh this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now! You got just one more Pip.
You get this kid, and we are state champions.
Yeah, and if you don't you're a big dumbass European hippie piece of crap.
Get 'em, Frenchie! - South Park wins! - We did it children! We did it! We're going to Washington DC! It hurts! Mommie it hurts! Oh sorry about wooping yo ass there, coach.
Oooh baby come on, just woop give it ass.
Gonna need some creme on yo ass, it's all swollen and red.
Ladies and gentlemen this is indeed a great week for South Park.
Mrs.
Herman has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park cows elementary school dodgeball team is going to the national finals.
Where they will undoubtly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.
But most importantly this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease.
Conjoined twin myslexia.
And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as "Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week".
And now let's kick off our week long festivities with the first anual grand conjoined parade! Let's hear it for these brave souls! What a glorious parade that was.
Let's hear it for the parade coordinators! You know Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington incase hey get hurt.
That is my job.
Nonsense.
This is your week, you aren't going anywhere.
- How much further is Washington DC? - Sit down, kid!!! - I need to know how far it is, lady.
- I said SIT DOWN!!!!! - Yeah, whatever you old dried up fat hog.
- What did you say?? - I said, I've always wanted to visit Prague.
- Oh, me too.
- Ok, what've you got? - Some gefilte fish, some gafaga.
- I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll! - Sweet! Jelly roll's perfect! Places.
Damn man.
This is the bigtime alright.
- Chef, we're hungry.
- You can eat after the game.
You children win this one and you're national champions.
Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
- What? - Are you Chef? The Washington team has forfitted the game.
Congradulations, you're national champions.
What? We did it! Children we won! - That was easy.
- Ladies and gentlemen let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, The South Park Cows! - Hey, why did you guys forfit? - You mean you don't know? Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates.
They played China for the world championship.
Only 4 of them came back alive.
Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
They do nothing but dodgeball.
Day in and day out.
They use steroids and training equipment to make them not kids, but animals.
- Well good luck, we've got our futures to think about.
- Ok, children, back in the bus.
And so as we have this honorary dinner, we take a look back at Nurse Gollum, and the brave life she has lived.
- Roll the tape please Mr.
Garrison.
- Oh no! You've got the strength, you've got the courage.
Even with a dead fetus on your head.
Carry on! You fight for tomorrow! Dead fetus you know, you never let go.
You're my conjoined twin dead thing hanging off your head woman.
Oh, that was so touching.
And now friends, it's time to present lifetime conjoined twin achievement award.
This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society.
- And the winner is - Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum! - Oh boy.
- Excuse me Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.
Our South Park cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.
Now we're almost to China.
I want you all to try and focus on the game.
- But Chef we don't wanna play the Chinese! Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
- But we could get killed! - And just what price would you pay for you trying to blow it.
Just imagine and big yellow dodgeball champions bear hanging in the cafeteria.
Imagine it! - Dude, Chef has lost it.
- You'll be on the news all over the world.
South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at.
Ooh children, it'll be glorious.
So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh? - Dude, what does that mean? - I don't know.
- Hey isn't that kid Kevin Chinese? - Yeah, you're from China.
- No, I'm from America.
My parents are Chinese.
- Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball! - I have no idea dude.
- Come on rice picker! Hey, hey, hey! Children, that's not cool.
You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
- You don't? - But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
No, no, no, no ,no, that's different.
I made fun of them because they are from China.
You see it's not ok to make fun of an American because they're black brown or whatever.
But it is ok to make fun of foreigners because they're from another country.
Let the world champion of dodgeball be decided.
Damn dude, China's fucked up.
- Take places.
- Alright, lets go cows.
Let's show em what we got! Ok, Tom, looks like the Americans are getting ready to play.
I don't supposed they'll have any problem seeing the ball with their BIG American eyes.
Yeah good thing they have those big eyes so they don't have to rely on that amazing American intellect Pray bra! Holy crap.
God damn! Hey, hey, what do you call a white American person with a PHD in physics and math? - I don't know, wrat? - Stupid American! Oh, another American is down.
It's number, oh I don't know.
All Americans look alike.
- Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
- You bastards Oh my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln! Dude that is not cool.
You're gonna get us into trouble again.
Ladies and gentlemen on this 4th day of cojoined twin myslexia week all our prayers are with our little South Park cows now playing their hearts out in China.
Now join me in saluting our cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official conjoined twin myslexia hats! And there is only one more South Park player left.
Still all Chinese players.
This simply all is very sorry.
- Come on! Throw ball! - Hey you want to head my impersonation of American? Hey, I really, really want that.
That hurts good.
Hey hey hey.
Let me try, let me try.
I'll use my credit card.
Do you have any non dairy creamer? You all come back now, you hear? Oh, what have I done? You know Eric, I just realized something.
I've been obsessed, and an obsession isn't good.
If we had won the world championship, what then? It would only be a bigger let down next year if we didn't win.
Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball.
Our lives were fine before.
Oh I'm sorry children, I let it all go to my head.
Can you ever forgive me? Come on.
Forget this stupid game.
Let's go home.
- Come on, throw ball! - Hey if you want to make him throw the ball, say this.
Hey you American dumbass, you French piece of crap, throw ball.
What's the matter Frenchie, you got crepes in your ears? And the winner is South Park cows.
Everyone, everyone look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr.
Chef, Mr.
Chef, South Park is the world champion in dodgeball.
Oh glorious day! - Shut up, Pip.
- Yeah, shut up Pip.
Can we go home now? - Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm.
It was - SHUT UP PIP! As our myslexia awareness week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.
Now let's head it one more time for our world champions South Park Cows! - What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads? - And now, let's hear from the woman of the week, the incredible, courageous, Nurse Gollum! - Dude it's the freak nurse! - Holy crap! Damn it Kyle.
We've been working all week against that kind of behavior.
- Well sorry dude, we weren't here.
- Thank you mayor.
I ah, well I don't know what to say.
This has been quite a week.
- She's really touched.
- What I really wanna say is, well this may sound off coming from woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks! Uh, freaks with big hearts! And now.
.
Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out? I just wanted to do my job, and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handycap all week long.
Look I don't wanna be treated different.
I don't wanna be treated special or treated gingerly, I just wanna be ridiculed, shouted at and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.
And take those stupid things off your heads! - Oh my what an ungrateful bitch.
- Yeh, the nerve of some people.
- Hey you know that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
I love you, guys.
Ah, screw you guys.