The King of Queens s02e05 Episode Script

Wow, you got a whole world going on in there, huh? Your nightstand.
What else you got in there? I don't know, flashlight, ear plugs, deck of cards, nose spray, magnifying glass Certs, Velamints and a Swiss army knife.
I got some loose change and a roll of caps.
So give me some of your stuff.
No.
Get your own stuff.
Come on, Carrie.
I need something big to start my drawer.
What's that book? Tuesdays With Morrie, give me that.
No, I am reading that.
Now get back to your own side.
Fine.
You know what? I don't need you or your drawer.
Oh, look what rolled down Cherry ChapStick, huh? Oh, yeah.
Oh, bring it.
Bring it.
Bring it.
It's soothing.
Yeah, doesn't feel so good when it's turned around on you now, does it? Son of a bitch.
And we are back New York, down two.
Fourteen seconds to go.
Jones inbounds.
Not - Come on.
- Put it up, will you? No, no, plenty of time.
Plenty of time, you gotta work the clock.
Just wait Wait for your shot.
immediately.
Good pressure defence.
All right, that's enough waiting.
You might want to shoot it now.
- Shoot it.
- to the top of the key.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Yes.
- That's what I'm talking about.
All right, boys, settle in we're looking at some sweet overtime.
Doug.
Not now, not now What's going on? She wants me to pick up medicine for Arthur at the drugstore.
But it's overtime.
Doug.
It's all right.
I got this under control.
Doug.
Answer me.
What, honey? I can't hear you, I'm working on the car.
I can see your legs.
Yeah, I just finished.
By the way, keep your eye on the caminator hump.
Did you get my dad's eardrops yet? I'm gonna go right after the game.
You have to go now.
The drugstore closes in 15 minutes.
- Carrie, but it's overtime.
- Fine, watch your stupid game.
Putz.
Look, Dad, Doug's busy right now and I've got all this work that I've got to get done tonight, you think your swimmer's ear thing will be okay until tomorrow? Because I can pick up the drops first thing tomorrow morning, okay? You realise I can't hear a word you're saying? I'll go get the drops.
- Come again? - I'll go get the drops! Foul.
Come on, give a foul.
Your leg is touching me again.
I'll be back in a little while.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going? Where do you think I'm going? Carrie, I said I'd get the eardrops.
I need some cushioned insoles, anyway.
Believe me, I wanna go.
Well, that's touching, but Walgreens closes at 10.
So I'll go to a different place.
Walgreens has his prescription on file.
All right, you know, I'll do it, I'll go Yeah.
All right.
- What happened? - Goodbye.
Wait a second, Car I'll go I'm back, and I got your stupid insoles.
They're foam.
Where you been for so long? It's almost 11.
Well, I was lucky enough to arrive at the pharmacy just as their computers went down.
So they sent me to another drugstore where the computers were up, but no drops.
So my father still can't hear, and I'm gonna be up way past midnight working.
Thank you so much for your help.
Look at this, I'm folding laundry, huh? You know what? These don't fit me so well anymore.
You're a funny guy.
Carrie, come on.
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I should have went to the drugstore for you.
Hey, the Knicks lost, by the way, if it makes you feel any better.
Yeah, I'm dancing.
I swear to God, Doug, it's like, when you're in front of that stupid TV, nothing else exists.
All right, I'll tell you, how about this? Tomorrow, I'll go pick up your father's eardrops, and any time after this he needs eardrops, or nose drops, or drops for any orifice above the waist, I'm your guy.
Hey, speaking of which, you wanna mess around? Okay, first of all, that was the worst segue I've ever heard.
And second of all, no.
I've got at least two more hours of work to do.
Come on.
I'll do that thing that really gets you going.
You know, the thing.
Want me to do the thing? You want me to do the thing.
I'll do it.
I'll do it.
I'll do the thing.
Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cereal I had you last night too.
Carrie! - Did you call me? - Yeah.
- Can I see you in the garage, please? - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Where's your TV? - I'm thinking it was stolen.
Oh, my God.
Well, how do you? - Do you think somebody broke in? - You know what, that's one theory.
Here's another, they came in through the garage door that you left open.
What? No.
No, I did not.
Did, Carrie.
Did.
Okay? You were the last one to use it.
It's open.
That means, try and stay with me here, that you left it open.
Doug, would you stop yelling at me, okay, because I know I closed it.
I remember distinctly.
I drove into the garage, got out of the car, walked to the door, and Innocent people don't say, "Oh", Carrie.
Well, my cell phone rang.
It was my boss, yelling at me about the stuff I hadn't faxed to him yet.
I had the cell phone in one hand, your insoles in the other, and I guess I forgot to hit the button.
Oh, come on.
Well, the button's too small, and it's not lit up or anything.
Don't you dare blame that button.
That button's been nothing but good to us.
Well Well, you know what? If you would have picked up the eardrops like you said you would, this never would've happened.
No, that is not, I'll tell why.
Because you wanted it to happen.
- What? - You heard me.
It all makes sense now.
You know, you hated my TV.
So, now you wished it into the cornfield and it's gone.
- The cornfield? - Yeah, hi, classic Twilight Zone.
SciFi Channel.
Ever hear of it? No? Hey, let me show you.
Oh, I can't.
Would you stop getting so upset? Well, just call the insurance guy.
Insurance.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we paid exactly $2688 for it.
Oh, I love insurance.
It's a great invention.
Electronics-Depot, that's right.
Hey, the prices of big screens has really come down.
I should take the extra money, get a Discman, you know? Start power walking.
Tone my abs.
It's gonna be a whole new me.
What? Okay.
Well, just send us the cheque.
Send the cheque.
Send the cheque.
Yeah.
Awesome, man.
Look it, you screw up, I get a brand-new TV.
I love you, you dizzy little dingbat.
- Doug? - Yeah? They're only giving us $188.
- But that's not enough.
- I know.
When I took out the policy, I asked for the highest deductible.
Twenty-five hundred.
- Why'd you do that for? - To get the lowest premium.
I didn't think we were ever gonna get robbed.
Then why did we even get insurance in the first place? Because the commercial made me cry.
And I guess that is what you're supposed to do.
Yeah, I see, you know what you're supposed to do? You're supposed to press little buttons that close giant doors.
Look, Doug, I made a mistake and I am very, very sorry.
But there's nothing that we can do about it now, so you just have to let it go.
Let it go? Let it? Car, that TV was important to me.
If it was important to you, I don't think it'd be so easy for you to let it go.
You know, there are other things to do in life other than sitting on your ass and watching TV.
Oh, yeah.
Like what? I don't know.
How about I buy you that Discman, huh? Work on your abs like you said you would.
Oh, get real.
That was never gonna happen and you know it.
I can't believe it.
Just last night, we were sitting here, watching, not a care in the world.
And now it's gone.
You never think it'll happen to you, huh? Those bastards.
- How you doing, man? - Look at this.
My TV had picture-in-picture freeze frame.
That's deep.
And channel lock, and a whole bunch of other great features.
I never bothered to read the manual.
I'd always thought there'd be time.
Five o'clock.
Right about now, we'd be watching the college football post-game show.
No, we would've flipped over to catch the end of golf.
Golf blows.
We'd be watching the post-game show, or maybe NASCAR.
No, come on.
Wouldn't we want a change of pace? - Like a double dose of Rhoda? - No, man.
That's old.
- I ain't watching Rhoda.
- I'm not watching NASCAR.
Would you guys stop it, all right? Look, it's gone, okay? There's no sports, there's no Rhoda.
There's a wall, all right? We can watch the rake, or the air filter.
The choice is yours.
- So where'd you get this? - New place.
I like the soup.
Actually, it's bisque.
What's the difference? I don't know.
Actually, I think bisque is thicker.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
So how was your day? It was good.
Lots of packages.
Yours? Fine.
Fine.
Actually, they finally gave me a new computer.
A really nice one too.
Fast modem, big screen Sorry.
Okay, Dad, if you don't sit still I'm gonna be cutting more than hair.
Not too much off the top.
I want that Robert Preston look.
Okay, even if I knew who that was, I couldn't pull it off.
Just do your best, and lose the attitude.
I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just I don't know.
Things are still weird between Doug and me.
It's this whole TV thing.
I wish I could get him to just let this thing go.
Ah, the potent cocktail of human emotion.
Hey, Dad, remember when I was, like, 16, and we had that really big fight over some college guy I was dating? Oh, yes.
Russell from SUNY Binghamton.
Anyway, remember during the fight, I threw my shoe at the bookcase, and it broke your favourite Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass album? Herb Alpert? No, no.
It was my Allan Sherman record.
No, it was the Herb Alpert record, but anyway, that's not the point.
You were so mad at me for breaking that record.
What? What was it that made you finally forgive me? You wanna know why I forgave you? Because you're my daughter and I love you.
My God, your head is tiny.
Anyway, so, that was it? You forgave me because you love me? Well, also, because you went out and spent your hard-earned money to replace my record.
I never replaced it.
Of course, you did.
It's right on my shelf.
I exercised this morning to "Hello, Muddah, Hello, Faddah.
" Yes, that's because I never broke that record.
I broke your Herb Alpert record.
- Did you? - Yes.
South of the Border.
I smashed it to bits.
Oh, so that's why I haven't heard it in 15 years.
Carrie Spooner, I'm very disappointed with you.
Leave the room.
Thanks for the talk, Dad.
Sorry, pussycat.
A kiss won't save you this time.
So she was just screaming at me, so, finally I just said, "Lady, two words, FedEx.
" You're lucky.
I had to deliver to the guy wearing the towel again.
Yeah, it's brutal, you know? He's moving, he's signing.
I just don't have faith in that tuck.
Hey, wanna get your ass kicked in foosball? Yeah, let's do it.
Come on.
I'll tell you, at this point, I just want the towel to fall, you know, get it over with.
I'm just getting tired of living in fear.
What the? "Doug, I love you, and I really don't want to spend the rest of my life being the person who left the garage door open.
So I got you this used but still very large TV.
And don't say we can't afford it, because I'm gonna work overtime to pay it off.
Carrie.
And don't worry, I'm not hooking.
" Look, Deac, man, she bought me a TV.
I know, you read the note out loud.
What an unbelievable woman I married.
I mean, I've been acting like such a baby about this.
Oh, man I hate my ugly suck face.
Carrie? Honey? Dear, Carrie.
You are the best wife ever.
As long as they don't steal you, I have everything I need.
I love you.
Okay, spell check, spell check.
There we go.
Nine errors, wow.
I broke her computer? No, I did.
- I just need you to say that you did.
- Why would I say that? Because I've given her all kinds of crap about getting my TV stolen.
She'll think I did this out of spite.
- I just couldn't handle it.
- That's true.
You're decent, but weak.
Look, and if you tell her that you did it by accident, she's not gonna get mad at you, you're her father.
You know, plus, you break things all the time, so she's used to that.
Come on, what do you say? All right, I'll take the bullet for you, Douglas.
Thank you.
There you go.
Okay, now you say you were up there, you were borrowing a pen, and you turned to walk away, and your foot caught on the cord, and bam, the computer fell on the floor, okay? - No.
- Why not? It's ludicrous.
She wouldn't believe it.
Arthur, that's how I broke it.
I tripped on the cord.
Yes, but I'm nimble.
I move like a dancer.
Fine.
What do you wanna say then? Let's see Okay, got it.
Early this morning, I received a telegram from the War Department Oh, God.
So it was only after I yanked the computer off the desk that I realised the smoke was actually just steam from my coffee.
What were you even doing in my office? I have no further comment.
Look, the important thing is, everyone's okay.
Wait a minute, did you do this to get back at me for breaking your Tijuana Brass record? Hey, if I had, I'd be fully within my rights.
I cannot believe you.
I had all my files in that computer.
I broke that stupid record Yes, but it stings like it was yesterday.
Well, you know what, this sounds like a private father-daughter thing.
Honey, I'll be out there watching my new TV.
Thanks again.
I love you.
And, for what it is worth, Arthur, I think you were a little out of line.
- He did it.
- Oh, please.