Rules of Engagement s02e06 Episode Script

Good job, honey.
Dynamite duck.
Heh-heh.
Thank you.
That would be a great cartoon character.
Dynamite Duck.
"Quack, quack.
Boom!" Oh, hey, uh, I'm going down to McDuffy's to watch the big pay-per-view fight Saturday night.
You wanna go? Absolutely.
All right.
Oh, aren't you forgetting something? I'm sure that I am.
I'm sure that you're gonna tell me.
Saturday's the big wedding for Susan, head of my department? Oh, yeah.
People I don't know gettin' married.
How could that slip my mind? Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Getting dressed up, meeting new people, dancing.
There's also the downside.
Getting dressed up, meeting new people, dancing.
Our wedding is gonna be just us, a few friends, super casual, on the beach.
No stupid dances.
Oh, wait, what about the-? No chicken dance.
Whatever.
Susan loves Shakespeare, so her fiancé proposed to her at work, dressed like Romeo.
It was so romantic.
That's romantic? Prancing around in tights? The guy made an ass of himself.
You know, women like when men are willing to make asses of themselves for them.
Let's see how his wife likes it when he comes out of the closet.
You know what, babe? You don't have to go.
I'd rather go alone than have to pretend you're foreign so you don't have to talk to anyone.
That was working till that damn busboy got chatty.
Since the guys are going to the fight, I'll go to the wedding with you.
A little heads-up.
If you tell 'em you're from Guam, don't refer to yourself as "Guamish.
" Yeah.
He also referred to people from Greece as "Greasers.
" You know what? Just to be clear, now, if I don't go to the wedding, you won't be mad? No.
Mm.
Maybe a little disappointed, but- Well, you're always a little disappointed in me.
So count me in.
All right.
This is gonna be great.
It's gonna be an Old School Jeff night.
Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh.
Oh, Old School Jeff.
Glad I won't be there.
Ew.
I got your plate, honey.
Thank you.
Hey.
Uh, why are you glad you won't be there? Oh, you'll find out.
Hm-hm.
You're not on probation for anything, are you? Probation? Uh, we're just having beers.
Ha-ha, yeah.
Well, with Jeff, there's "having beers," and there's drinkin'.
He said it's gonna be an "Old School Jeff" night, and that, my friend, means drinking.
Heh.
Well, I can handle that.
I mean, I'm used to breaking up fights when Jen drinks.
She gets crazy, which I find very hot.
Ah, then you're gonna be super attracted to Jeff.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Yeah, so Audrey says when he switches from beer to Scotch, that's the signal he's going old school.
You mean old school like, back when people used the term old school? Yeah, exactly.
Back when they wore necklaces like the one you've got on.
I wear this ironically.
Oh, it's pronounced "moronically.
" Anyway, once Jeff gets a little Scotch in him he'll want you to start to dare him to do stupid things, you know? Like, "How much will you give me to steal that cop's horse?" Ha-ha.
As much as the ATM will give me.
But the real danger is when he starts to get physical.
Like, uh, fighting, wrestling, hugging.
That Jeff sounds a lot more fun than what we got stuck with.
Usually, it ends with him doing something stupid, which lands him and whoever he's with in a holding cell.
Well, I'd love to be there to watch all this, but unfortunately, I have a date.
Unfortunately for her.
If everything goes as planned, yes.
Well, you're not gonna be missing anything.
I'm gonna make sure that Jeff doesn't drink so much that he winds up in jail.
Why not? I don't wanna end up there with him.
I mean, look at me.
Inmates would be lining up to get a piece of this.
Uh, not with that attitude, they wouldn't.
Nobody likes a stuck-up prison bitch.
They don't.
Boy, this is the exact opposite of what Adam and I want.
It's so garish and over the top and- So much more magical than I ever imagined.
Hey, a simple wedding could be magical too.
You're right.
Oh.
Just a few friends, on the beach.
Oh, a Cupid ice sculpture with vodka flowing out of the arrow.
Heh-heh-heh.
I'm gonna send Adam a picture, see what he thinks.
See, you're admiring the ice sculpture.
Jeff would be lying under it with his mouth open.
Mm.
There's the bride.
What a beautiful dress.
Yikes, back fat.
No wonder her dad gave her away.
Did you record what I just said? And who are you? I'm Back Fat's nephew.
Hey, this is great.
The girls go to the wedding, we come here, everybody wins.
Heh.
Yeah.
You know, the groom should be the only guy who has to go to a wedding.
Now, let's do some serious drinking.
Yeah, some seriously responsible drinking.
Huh? Anyway, I can't wait for the fight.
Nothing more manly than a good slugfest.
There's nothing less manly than that.
Text message from Jen.
She downloaded these ringtones for my phone.
Maybe she can download some 'nads to your pants.
Oh, uh, "Think we should have this ice sculpture at our wedding?" What? I can't believe she'd even ask.
I can't believe nobody's sucking on that arrow.
I don't want a fancy wedding.
We agreed on the beach.
You're engaged, replace "we agreed" with "she decided.
" You're welcome.
Okay, she goes to one fancy reception and now she's rethinking our wedding? Her wedding.
You'll catch on.
Fight's starting.
This is gonna be great.
Fight scheduled for 12 rounds.
Fighters meet in- Nice jab! And a hard right! He's down.
He's down for the count.
I don't think he's gonna get up.
It's over! Get up! Get up, you bum! The fight is over.
They haven't even put out the free Buffalo wings yet.
Well, that sucked.
All right.
Fight night.
Here you go, Ginger.
Hey, I still have your panties.
They're in my fridge.
Hey.
Big beer for a big guy.
Oh, Russki.
Ha-ha-ha.
All right.
So when's the fight? Well, in about five minutes if somebody doesn't put the Buffalo wings out.
What happened to your date? Ah, I told her I was getting the car.
You don't have a car.
Ah, what are you gonna do? Yeah, maybe we should call it a night.
Ah.
whoa, whoa.
That's loser talk.
You're out tonight sans ball and chain.
Why don't you live a little? Here's a straw.
You know, you get drunker drinking through a straw.
I did not know that.
I can't believe you wanna get him drunk just so he does something crazy.
I can't believe you don't.
Plus, I remembered they have a pool table here, so I can hustle me some money whilst he's drinking.
Last time you hustled a guy, he punched you with your own fist.
Oh, yeah.
I really kicked my ass that night.
But hey, when it comes time to collect my winnings, I'll have drunk, ready-to-fight Jeff by my side.
Audrey hates it when I slurp pitchers of beer.
I remember that from our wedding.
Hey, come on.
Less thinkin', more drinkin'.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Less beer, more "let's get out of here.
" Let's go! You know what? Adam's right, I've had enough beer.
Ah, good call.
Ah.
Time to move on to Scotch.
Oh, ho! Old School Jeff.
All right.
Yeah! Barkeep, pitcher of Scotch.
Listen.
Little boy, what I said wasn't nice.
And you don't want anyone to see that, especially not the bride.
Yeah, it's her special day.
She doesn't wanna hear about her back fat.
Would you stop saying "back fat," please.
Yeah, you don't have to say it anymore.
I got it on tape.
Hey! This mean lady's trying to steal my camera! No- No.
No, no, he dropped it.
I w-was just picking it up for him.
Look at that face.
Adorable little scamp.
Listen, you little brat, the bride is my boss, so I need you to erase that tape.
Now, what's it gonna take? Show me your boobs.
Excuse me? Show me your boobs, and I'll erase the tape.
Absolutely not.
One of 'em? Listen, you pervy little twerp.
I ought to go tell your mom- You mean, Back Fat's sister? How would you like a video of a woman pummeling a mouthy-? Audrey, settle down.
I got this.
Okay, look, at your age, it's natural to be curious and want to see our boobs.
Not yours.
You're kind of flat.
What? I am not flat, four eyes.
I just call 'em like I see 'em.
And I can barely see 'em.
It's my damn strapless bra.
It's squishing my girls.
Okay, come on, kid.
Look, all my friends have seen 'em and I haven't.
How about this? You erase the tape and I'll give you some pointers on how to impress girls.
Impress girls? See boobs.
That sounds good.
Tell me what you got.
Okay, first, you erase the tape.
That's not how I roll.
First, the info.
Okay, I'll give you the advice first.
Hey, guys, this is Jane.
Oh, Jane, why don't you go sign the guest book.
I'll be there in a second.
Now, that was flat.
So wait a second, am I stars or stripes? It's stripes and solids, and you're stripes.
Oh.
Okay.
It's just- When you hit it with the stick, it's like miniature golf.
That's fun.
All right, that can't be too hard.
Ah, nertz.
I thought I put it on vibrate.
No, don't do that.
There might be somebody here who doesn't think we're a couple.
What? Do we want a monogrammed dance floor? What, is she smoking crack? I- I gotta call her.
She's getting out of control with this wedding stuff.
Here's some advice.
Give up.
Wow.
That's a good pep talk, coach.
Look, over the years, Audrey's gotten all kinds of grand ideas: We're getting a lake house, going to Morocco, giving up dairy.
I've learned that if I say no, she digs in her heels, but if I give up and say nothing, eventually she loses enthusiasm, the idea flames out, even before we've opened the soy cheese.
It's gonna be really hard not to say anything.
Don't worry about it, I'm here for you.
If you start to screw up, I'll punch you in the neck.
Thanks, man, you're a good friend.
Hey, how's it going, Mini-sota Fats? It's going great.
You just keep drinking.
Hey, how's the hustle going? Ah, right on schedule.
They're getting cocky, almost time to lay down the big bet.
How's it going with Drunkenstein? I think he's almost ready to terrorize the villagers.
Hey, what do you guys think? Should I have gone to that wedding with Audrey? Oh, no.
Then I would never have gotten to smell your great breath.
You're right.
Because, I mean, I was at our wedding.
Shouldn't that be enough? You guys are great.
I'm-a get you a round of shots.
Waitress.
All right.
A toast.
Okay, for starters, you can't just walk up to a girl and say, "Let me see your boobs.
" Oh, right.
Let me see your boobs, please.
That's not what I meant.
It helps to be sensitive, and to connect emotionally.
I'm 10, not gay.
Teachers are really underpaid.
And I don't know, I was thinking we could get married in the same church.
Oh, and we have to have amazing centerpieces like they have here.
Amazing centerpieces? What do I think? I think whatever you want.
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
What? No, your boobs are great.
Hey, how much will you give me if I ate all these jalapeños? Nothing.
Done.
I'm at this fraternity party- That's where I first met my husband.
And later on, I'm asleep and this rock crashes through my window.
And I look out, and Jeff's in the courtyard.
"Just wanted to make sure you got home safe, chief.
" It was the most romantic thing I had ever seen.
That's romantic? Well, I'm from a very small town.
But it was the effort he made.
I mean, he was willing to look stupid for me.
Almost determined.
Right then I knew, this guy will always be there for me.
So where is he tonight? My point is, do something that gets a girl's attention and lets her know she's special.
And then don't stop doing it That's the advice? Yeah.
So you'll erase the tape? I'll record over it.
Thank you.
With footage of your boobs, because that advice sucked.
Excuse me, I just wanted to thank you.
I'm engaged and your wedding is giving me tons of ideas for mine.
Here's an idea: Elope.
This whole thing's been a nightmare.
Really? It's so romantic.
Not when everything goes wrong and people complain about where they're seated, and your dad won't shut up about the cost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your dress looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So hot.
Hey, my pigeon's got some friends that want to, uh, lay some action on our next game.
Hey, uh, why is he downing all these pickle chips? He thinks they're jalapeños.
Burning my mouth.
Burning.
Hey, pay up.
I said I wouldn't give you anything.
All right.
So we're even.
Hey, call Jen, and see if Audrey's mad at me.
No.
You know what? Have her send a picture, 'cause I can tell just by looking at it.
Hey, listen.
You know, uh, for a free guy out on the town, you're talking an awful lot about your wife.
You know what? That's it.
We're going right now.
You and me.
Fight.
Whoa, Jeff, whoa.
Come on, man, you don't wanna fight.
You know what? You're right.
I love Russki.
I wanna pick you up, though.
Oh, okay.
That's good.
Put me down.
Keep up there long enough while I run the table and win the big bet.
Hey, Bluto, you wanna be my muscle? You got it.
All right.
I'll whistle when I need you.
Oh, God.
My insides.
Agh.
Sit down, little fella.
Oh, God.
Last weekend Audrey went to the auto show with me.
Doesn't even care about cars but still went.
Even carried the brochures.
Must've weighed 40 pounds.
Oh, God, Scotch and- And pickles? Help me.
I hope she's having fun at that wedding.
She's a good egg.
And she makes good eggs.
Wow, I can't believe I made that shot.
That's crazy.
That's lucky.
There's no way I'll be able to make this one.
Oh, what-? I can't- They all went in the holes.
That's good, right? Pay up.
Dude, you hustled us.
Now we're gonna kick your ass.
Really? You got a problem with me, take it up with the big guy.
Where's Jeff? I don't know, but his breath is still here.
Heh-heh.
This guy, he looks wiry and dumb, but I tell you what, he's tough as nails, that one.
Heh-heh-heh.
That's a good song.
Oh.
I'm having the worst night of my life.
I think I'm over the fancy wedding thing, it seems like a big headache.
Hey, would you distract the bride while I put this back on the cake? Jen, what-? It looked just like me and Adam.
Give me that.
Hey, everyone, I got something to say.
Oh, no.
You don't know me, but, uh, there's a very special- Very special lady in the house.
Not you.
Not you.
Anyway, I wanna dedicate a song to Audrey.
Oh, no.
'Cause this song reminds me of a really special day that we had together, because she's a champ, and she carried all the brochures.
Hit it.
* Get out of my dream * * Get into my car * The auto show.
* Get out of my dreams * You're ruining my wedding.
* Get into my car * Hey, you see that idiot up there? That idiot is my husband.
So? So if he's willing to humiliate himself like that to impress me, don't you think I know what I'm talking about? So if I act like an idiot for a girl, I might get to see her boobs? He is gonna see mine tonight.
Okay, I'll erase the tape.
Oh, better yet.
Record over it with him.
Hm-hm-hm.
I just got out of next year's auto show.
Thank you for making an ass out of yourself for me.
What are you taking about? I was great.
I rocked the house.
You can stop making an ass out of yourself, okay.
Nocomprende, soy Guamish.
I changed my mind.
I will look at your boobs.
No way, you creepy little perv.
But thanks for asking.
Nice butt.