Bob's Burgers s02e07 Episode Script

2 Dad, don't forget monkey brains.
Yeah, and we need more unicorn testicles.
That's where dreams are born.
All right, we'll get those, then head back to the restaurant.
I just need fresh kale for the burger of the day "If Looks Could Kale.
" Ha! Hey, Reggie, I didn't know you guys shopped here for your restaurants.
What happened, Pepe? And why is your face painted like a cat? I lost my restaurant.
We're trying to cheer him up.
I'm a kitty.
I'm a kitty.
You didn't read the review? Three weeks after the Moody Foody's hatchet job, Pepe's taco joint is a yoga studio.
A hot yoga studio.
I bet, when it heats up, it smells like taco meat.
Like my underwear.
The Moody Foody's on a rampage.
He nitpicks every little thing, Bob.
He said my bread was stale.
Well, it is pretty stale, Reggie.
That's 'cause I buy day-old bread! Okay.
Okay.
I've been mapping the Moody Foody's patterns for months.
He follows a precise ethnic sequence in restaurants: Asian, European, Latin, American.
Like Larry King with his wives.
Man, you guys are obsessed with this critic.
You should be, too! According to my calculations, you're next.
Um okay, that's fine.
For all you know, he's already reviewed you.
He's a master of disguise.
Yeah, when he reviewed my place, he was dressed like a construction worker.
For me, he was an E.
R.
doctor.
Park ranger.
But listen, Bob, the guy's got a tell.
Before every meal, he wipes his hands with a blue handkerchief.
Blue.
Watch for that, Bob blue.
Here you go $30.
What? No, I didn't ask for these.
Nobody asks.
- You describe it, you buy it.
- Oh, look.
- He even got the hanky.
- Can you draw me - on a horse with a zombie riding behind me? - No.
Draw a picture of my dad's mustache really giving it to a caterpillar.
No, don't do that.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Hold on to these sketches, Bob.
They could save your restaurant.
Uh, Tran, my restaurant will be fine.
After all, Reggie's bread is stale.
And, Pepe, your carne asada isn't even beef.
Carne asada is beef? And Tran's noodles are So what? I reuse my noodles.
If people don't eat them all, I'm supposed to just waste them? It's just, no offense, fellas, but I use fresh ingredients, so, you know, I should be all right if this critic comes.
Offense taken.
Here's you on a horse with a zombie.
Dad, pay the man.
No, $50 for that? $50 it's a little girl, a horse and a zombie.
Dad, that's so cheap for what you're getting.
Look, if the critic comes, it's just - another customer, you know? - I know.
Just a customer who can shut us down with one bad review that's all.
I know he can destroy us, Lin.
I don't need a pep talk.
And if I did, this would be a horrible pep talk.
It's him, Dad.
It's the Moody Foody.
Gene, that's Mike the Mailman.
You've seen him every day for the past five years.
It's the long con.
It's him.
Tina, that's Gene.
Long con.
Thanks, Mike.
Yeah, thanks, "Mike.
" I cannot hear you.
That's got to be the food critic.
A Civil War reenactor? Ah, can't stand all that drab gray.
No wonder they lost.
All right, keep an eye out for the blue handkerchief.
Hello? You're really sorry? Okay, I'll I'll come do the battle.
For the record, the buttons are authentic.
All right, everyone, back to work.
We're not going to stand around and wait for a food critic who may or may not ever show up.
Dad, Dad, another Civil War reenactor is here.
He must be fighting for the North.
It's a Hasidic Jew, Gene.
You know that.
Blue hanky! Blue hanky! Blue hanky? Blue hanky? Yes, blue hanky! That's the Moody Foody! - Blue hanky! - Blue hanky! - Right there blue hanky! - Aah! Hanky panky! - Blue hanky right there! Blue hanky! - Hanky panky! Quick, circumcise Gene.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Circumcise me! Circumcise me! Quick, quick! Okay, the Moody Foody is here in our restaurant.
This is happening now.
Do you need a diversion? I'll scream.
Cockroach! Gene.
Let's bribe him.
Dad, take out the lettuce and replace it with this $20 bill.
That I took out of your wallet.
Oh, or tape it to his back.
That's not how a bribe works, Tina.
Yes, it is! Now, everybody calm down, all right? We just do what we do we give him a delicious meal, we get a positive review, and that's that.
Yeah, 'cause if we don't, it's curtains.
We're done.
Lin, stop pep-talking! - Wha? - Let's just take a deep breath Not like that.
Where'd Tina go? She's out taking the critic's order.
No, no, no.
Time for the charm bomb to explode.
Hi there, customer.
Is someone hungry? That's why I'm here.
Are you ready to order? Uh, yeah.
I just need another second.
Are you just going to stand there and stare at me? Uh-huh.
Oh, God.
Louise, go get Tina.
Shift's over, sweetheart.
Let's talk Palestine.
Or my order, we could talk about.
Oh, God, Lin, go get Louise.
All right, all right, all right.
Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo.
How we doing today? The food here is so delicious.
I'm a customer.
Try the pad Thai.
Mmm.
Okay, everyone, great job.
Back in the kitchen.
Sorry about all that.
Um, I'd like to recommend the burger of the day the "If Looks Could Kale" burger.
Uh, you get it? - Mm-hmm.
- Uh, well, you're not laughing.
I don't think you got it.
"If Looks Could Kale.
" Yeah, I-I got it.
I'll have a cheeseburger.
Coming right up.
That guy's creeping me out.
Okay, it got a little rocky out there, but we righted the ship.
I set it up, you knock it down.
Right, Dad? Yeah right.
Thanks, Tina.
Smooth sailing.
Just like every day.
So, well, what kind of burger did he order? Crap.
So, I know we discussed having the burger of the day, but I want to say you didn't want that.
Where did we land, uh, in the end? You seriously don't remember? No, I do.
Um cheeseburger.
Just remembered.
I just remembered on my own.
- Cheeseburger! - Got it.
Uh-oh! Oh, God.
Aah! That's just the 3:00 fire.
Your burger may take an extra minute.
In the meantime, enjoy the show.
Gene! Oof.
Ugh.
"Overdone and dry.
" It's like, uh, "above and beyond," right? It's not bad.
What about "insufferable"? What's that? Maybe that just means he didn't suffer.
That's good news.
I've seen some murders in my line of work, but what a hit job.
Wait, here's something good.
"The best part of the meal was" "Continued on page 45.
" " was the napkin I spat my food into.
Thank you, little napkin.
" Oh.
This is my fault.
I screwed up the burger.
It's my fault.
So it's settled.
Wait a minute.
You screwed up.
And you and you.
All right, stop the finger-pointing.
I'm sorry.
I sometimes I forget how horrible you all are at your jobs.
You're all horrible! Sorry.
I mean, you are horrible, but I shouldn't have said it so loud.
All right, okay.
That's enough of the papers.
But you are! Okay, okay, enough.
Stop How bad could everybody be?! Stop the yelling.
Who cares about one bad review? Don't be such a baby.
Come, come, come.
This is one of my vacant spaces.
It used to be a burger restaurant.
Hi, Bob.
Hey, Mr.
Fish.
How are you? Hi, Mrs.
Burger.
Good.
Uh, Mr.
Fischoeder, this is still a burger restaurant.
Yeah, let us die slowly in peace, you vulture.
Right you are.
One bad review won't sink the SS Bob, will it? You're like a benign tumor.
With a little bit of hair and teeth.
I'm like a tumor with teeth? Sounds cute.
Yes, little man.
It's a compliment.
Let's come back in a week.
It should be empty by then.
Don't worry, Bobby.
People can make up their own minds.
You'd be surprised.
They don't need some critic.
As long as we get Michelin-recommended, we'll be fine.
Order up.
What? What? Something wrong with the burger? No, uh, it's fine.
It's just maybe you missed the mark with this one, is all, you know? What? What do you mean, Teddy? I don't know, Bobby.
Just tastes a little overdone and dry or something.
Overdone and dry, Teddy? You're just quoting the review.
No, I know.
It's just, now I have words to put to my tastes.
Will you get a mind of your own, Teddy? I mean, seriously with your dead eyes! What? My eyes aren't dead.
He's not dead.
No, I'm fine.
And you, Mort.
- What did I what did I do? - Whatever! Lin, this review is going to be the end of us.
- People think we're terrible now.
- Not terrible.
We're not terrible.
Bobby, you know that.
Look at me.
I know that, but it doesn't matter.
We have one crappy day, and then everybody reads about it, and now that's what they think forever.
Hey, how about this place? Oh, yeah? Well, your haircut's overdone and dry! And you, your pants are overdone and dry! Look at your dumb face! It's overdone and dry! Get back here, people! Where are you going? I want to review you - Yeah! - I'm going to review everyone! You're getting it! Overdone and dry! Overdone and dry! Overdone and dry! Overdone and dry! Overdone and dry! Overdone and dry! "Two thumbs down my throat.
" That's just rude.
Put it down, Bobby.
Just stop.
Enough.
Attaboy.
Good day, sir.
Good day, Louise.
Actually, you've had better days.
That's why we're here.
We're the PR firm of Cooper, Molyneux and Juarez.
Wait.
What happened to Belcher? Recent events have left the name, Belcher, badly tarnished.
Tina? Here's Dad's image before the review.
Here's Dad's image after the review.
Rock bottom.
Aw.
They made a poster, Bobby.
Uh, you guys were there, too remember? destroying our business.
Hey, hey, hey.
Um, I'm pretty sure I was in Sausalito that day.
I'm pretty sure you weren't, Gene! All right, all right, let's stop blaming and start gaming.
Our firm specializes in image rehabilitation.
This is our Basic Image Cleaner Package.
Lunch is included.
Our Bad Boy Robot Package comes with a boob job.
Lunch not included.
Your father doesn't need his image cleaned.
He's not a celebrity.
Dad's a local celebrity.
Like Eyebrow Man.
Remember before his eyebrows grew out and he was just Parrot Man? I hate that parrot.
Hi, parrot.
Nerd alert! What? No one knows about peoples' bad days in other professions.
None of these jobs get reviewed by critics.
I.
T.
support? That doesn't get reviewed.
Sales analyst, not reviewed.
Stop torturing yourself.
You know what, take off your cranky pants and go take a nap, all right? Accounts receivable specialist.
What's that? Sounds great.
I bet that job never gets reviewed.
Bup-bup-bup-bow, bup-bup-bow Bup-bup- bup-bow-bup-bup-bow! I love this song.
Sam my man from Uzbekistan! You got the Bob in the house! A lot of e-mails.
Mostly spam.
What is that, ramen? Tea.
Oh.
I thought it was ramen.
No.
Tea.
Hey, what are we talking about? I thought Kathy was making ramen.
For some reason, I saw noodles.
Nope, just tea.
Huh.
Hey, it's Jason's birthday.
Did you sign the card? Not yet.
Oh, here.
To the J-man.
It's good cake.
My wife made it.
My wife! Borat! Hey, do it again! Jeff, get in here! You gotta hear this! My wife! Yes! No! 26, 27, 28, Linda, kids, napkin holder, ice cream machine! Oh, come here! Dirty spot on the counter that I can never get out! Get over here! I love you.
What the hell is wrong with you? I had a nightmare, Lin.
I worked in an office.
I had to sign a birthday card.
Don't touch me.
You're all sweaty.
- I hate signing birthday cards.
- You sign ours.
Actually, your mother does it for me.
Oh.
Sorry.
Like we read those things.
Where's the money? You know, I realized I'm not a cubicle guy.
I can't do it.
I can't do anything other than this.
Yeah, look at you.
If this restaurant fails, I'm gonna kill myself.
- There he is, that's the spirit.
- Yup.
- You should ask for a redo.
- A what? A redo.
One time, to get out of a Spanish test, Kelly Mathis forced herself to throw up.
I mean, vomite.
Hmm.
Then another time, to get out of a math test, she forced herself to get her period.
That's how she got a redo.
A redo! That's genius! We'll get our period! No, a redo.
No, period! I'm gonna walk over to the Moody Foody's house and cook him dinner! Wine him, dine him, That's right, Gene! Thank you, Tina.
This time I'm gonna make the Moody Foody a great burger.
All right! If you think that's the right move, I trust ya kinda.
Chant me out! Redo! Redo! Redo! Redo! Let's go watch this train wreck.
- Stalking Dad quietly! - Stalking Dad quietly! Oh, well, well, well, the guy who couldn't remember my order finds my address? How'd you manage that? Well, let's just say some of my fellow disgruntled restauranteurs have been dumpsacking your house.
Oh, yes, the flaming bags of poop.
But I'm not here to do that, all right? I-I came here to cook you another burger.
Oh, well that's so ni I'd rather be dumpsacked.
Listen, I know your Bob's Burgers experience was subpar.
I just want a redo.
Of course you do.
Great! Let's get started then.
Where's the kitchen? Ah! What is that?! It's a Taser! Ow! That stings! What is that supposed to do? It's supposed to incapacitate you.
I'm gonna send in a bad review.
I am not shocked.
Hey! Oh, oh, I'm calling the police! Don't, don't.
Wait! I just want to cook you dinner! I just want you to try my burger, okay? Get off me! Just let me cook you a burger! Ow! Ah! You're biting me! Ah! Get Ow! Stop! Dad, we felt we should be here as your PR fir Oh, yes! This doesn't look like a redo.
Tickle fight! Hyah! Listen, kids, taping people to chairs is bad, okay? Never do this.
We're just helping him calm down so that he can enjoy this burger.
Bye-bye, frown! Now it's a smile! There.
Comfy? Good.
This is an old classic of mine.
It's called the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fennel" burger, huh? - God.
- Was that a nose laugh, huh? Ow! No! - Oh.
I laughed, Dad.
- Thanks, Tina.
Yeah, me, too! Don't tie us up! Okay, big boy bite.
No, nuh-uh, no.
Not happening.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Mm-mm.
All aboard the burger train! No, I'm not getting on the Open up the tunnel.
Choo-ch-ch-ch Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Are you expecting someone? Oh, that must be my next kidnapper.
Bobby, you in there? Lin? What are you all doing here? Linda told us about the redo.
We brought food from our restaurants.
I brought no food because that man, he ruined my restaurant.
So how's it going? Uh, not great.
He won't eat my burger.
What? Well that's just rude.
Linda, wait, don't - Bobby - you've taken him hostage? No, no.
He's in his own home.
"Hostage" is a little much.
It's not that.
No, no, "hostage" sounds about right.
- Shut up! - This is dark, Bob.
Real dark.
I'll go get the jumper cables out of my car.
No, no, no, no, no.
This should catch any blood or bodily fluids.
No blood, no jumper cables.
Yes, jumper cables! The man Tased you, Dad! I just want him to eat my burger.
You Tased my Bobby and you won't eat his burger? Well, we'll just see about that, won't we? Now all aboard the burger train! Open up the tunnel, li'l baby! I tried that already.
Didn't work.
Oh.
We can make him eat.
Oh, goody.
Are those the exact noodles I didn't finish three months ago? No, they are the noodles somebody didn't finish yesterday.
So, there! Oh, yeah? Well eat this! Mm-mm! Mm-mm! Hey, come on! Come on! Well, if you won't eat our food, then choke on your reviews, huh?! Does this taste like enchilad-ass? Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat your words, all of 'em! - All right! - So, Moody, eat the foody.
Guys, stop! Shove it in there, you get it in! Guys! This is crazy.
He's not worth it.
You're right, no one will miss him.
No, Pepe! That's not what I meant.
What now?! He tripped the silent alarm.
Delivery.
I need someone to sign.
Help! He's seen too much! No, no, no, no, no, no! All right, this redo is officially out of control.
Just now? That's when it's out of control? Uh, breaking and entering, kidnapping.
Oh, and now opening other people's mail! It's not what I envisioned.
What the hell is this? You bought Tin Cup? That's a terrible movie.
You mean "classic"? I like Tin Cup.
But it's a bad movie, right? You ever see it? No, I didn't see it.
Then how do you know it's bad? I don't know.
It's just bad, right? People think it's bad.
I think I read a review of it or something.
See? You didn't bother to see the Tin Cups because some critic gave it a bad review! Hypocrite! Who knows? Maybe you would have loved Tin Cups.
Tin Cup.
Tin Cup.
Tin Cups.
No, it's Tin Cup.
Tin Cup.
Tin Cup.
Yes.
Tin Cup.
Tin Cup.
This is killing me! Good, 'cause it's all your fault! You're right.
You know, you may have taped down my arms, but you have opened my eyes! I'll never give a bad review again! Yay! In fact, I'm gonna go back and change all my bad reviews to glowing ones and add smiley faces.
I think he might be joking! Reggie, he is.
Enough talk! Do what you're gonna do to these guys! Nobody's doing anything.
He did his job.
And you know what? I'm gonna go do mine.
Come on.
Let's go back to our restaurants and cook.
Those of you that still have restaurants.
Oh, that's messed up.
He's talking about me! Bob's got a point.
What are we even doing here? I should be back at my restaurant smell-checking the meats.
From now on, I will only dumpsack him when I'm in the neighborhood.
But you took the fun out of it.
Sorry you got mixed up in this.
So, uh, what's it gonna take for you to forget about today? $350.
$350?! Yeah.
Um, all right, fellas, cough it up.
Ah! I don't have a I forgot, um - Seriously? - You're not talking about me.
I, uh, have, um $48 here.
Give me the DVD.
You want Tin Cup? Does it have any special features? Yeah, It's got outtakes.
But they call them "Mulligans.
" Oh, come on! Before we cut this guy loose, I just want one slap, okay? In the back of the head.
You should give him a purple nurple.
No, wet willy! What is a wet willy? A Guillermo mojado.
Ah.
You do it.
I have no spit.
Willy! Willy! Willy! Willy! Willy! Willy! Willy! Guillermo.
Guillermo.
Okay, one wet willy.
That's how you make a birdie! You're in the rough, McAvoy.
That's okay.
I like it rough.
Is she still talking about golf? One of the top five Don Johnson movies, Tin Cup.
Are you still doing the half-off-your-meal meal-when-you-bring-in- a-bad-review promotion? Yes, the promotion brought to you by PR giant, Cooper Great.
Nice to have business back on track.
Yeah, but Bobby, I'm still so nervous the cops are gonna show up.
Yeah.
I wonder if he called the cops.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Hello? Mmm! Sir? Oh! Great.
Another one of these calls.
Get a girlfriend! Well, if the cops come, we need a plan.
We can put Dad in a dress and tell them he's our aunt.
Yeah, we'll call him "Aunty Man Hands.
" She came into town for Dad's funeral.
Oh, plot twist.
I'm not gonna wear a dress.
Pantsuit? Okay, fine.
I'll go get some pantsuits! Fashion show!