Frasier s02e07 Episode Script

Quiet.
It's starting.
'This is a political announcement for Holden Thorpe.
' You dragged us here to see Thorpe? He's a fascist, like Himmler without the whimsy.
'Another American for Holden Thorpe.
' 'I'm Marty Crane.
' - Dear God! - 'For 30 years I was a cop.
'Then I was shot by an assassin who wouldn't have been free 'if it weren't for the bleeding hearts in Congress.
'I used to carry a gun.
Now I carry a cane.
'I'm voting for Holden Thorpe.
He's running because I can't.
' - Well? - I don't know what to say.
- I'm in a state of shock! - Aren't we all? You were wonderful.
This calls for a celebration.
- What'll you have? - Give me a beer.
Dad, how did this happen? I was in the park, there was a rally for Thorpe.
I talked to his people, told them I was an ex-cop and they shoved a camera in my face.
- They're exploiting you.
- No, they're not.
I like Thorpe.
How could you support that odious hose-head? He once said, "Cancer aside, tobacco is good for the economy.
" He's for more cops on the street.
It can't hurt, now everyone's armed.
We don't have many guns in England.
You don't need guns.
You've got kidney pie.
Hello.
- It's Duke.
- Oh! - Sherry? - I couldn't, Niles.
I'm too upset.
I'm glad you liked it.
I've got a lot of showbiz secrets to tell you.
They can make you cry on cue by pulling a hair out of your nose.
What? Really? Guys, quick! Channel 14! My other spot! This one was my idea.
Remember Lyndon Johnson showing his scar? 'Hi, I'm Marty Crane.
'Crime isn't pretty.
If you don't believe me, look at this.
' - Can I help you? - What's on today? - Kenyan blend.
- No, no, no.
They still poach elephants.
What else? - Dark roast Brazilian.
- Not till they stop rain forest loss.
- Salvadoran? - Not with their human rights record.
We're down to the Hawaiian Cona blend.
Or have they slaughtered too many macadamia nuts? That'll be fine, thank you.
- Niles.
- I can't stand it.
I just walked by a store with 22 TV sets in the window showing Dad's butt.
I saw it.
I don't know what's worse - seeing his butt, or what it stands for.
I just can't believe our father is actually endorsing that self-serving fear-monger.
I've given this a lot of thought and I realise Dad isn't the problem.
He's supporting his candidate.
The problem lies with us.
- Us? We've done nothing.
- Exactly.
"For evil to triumph requires only that good men do nothing.
" - Edmund Burke.
- I have that quotation framed.
I mean to put it in my office but keep forgetting.
Anyway, the time has come for you and me to get involved.
How? Support Thorpe's opponent, Phil Patterson.
- I'm voting for Patterson.
- I had something more in mind.
I spoke to some people at Patterson's headquarters.
They'd like you to do a TV endorsement.
Niles, I'd love to help, but you must realize that, as a radio psychiatrist, I can't take the chance of alienating my listeners.
People needing help might be put off if they knew my politics.
Think about it.
A candidate like this doesn't come often.
He's hard working, he volunteers at a soup kitchen.
He cares about people.
He believes in what we believe in.
- Buy chocolates, send a kid to camp.
- Can't you see we're talking? Thank you for your call, Susan.
We'll be back after this message.
'Crime: it's epidemic.
It strikes fast and it can strike you.
'I'm Holden Thorpe.
Send me to Washington because ' it's better than having you here.
He makes it sound like it's either vote for him or be found murdered in bed.
I wouldn't worry, Roz.
What are the chances of finding you there alone? - Sports fan, how they hanging? - OK.
I was talking to Roz.
Ten seconds.
'Vote for me.
My programme gives the streets back to the people.
' That's good.
With your tax programme that's where they'll be sleeping.
We'll be back for one more call after this newsbreak.
Then, next up, Bob Bulldog Brisco and the Gonzo Sports Show.
- I've asked you not to do that.
- Way to be impartial, Doc.
Thorpe's a good man.
You voting for that pretty boy Patterson? He's great.
His reapportionment plan makes sense.
Forget it.
He's happily married.
So is Thorpe.
His wife's a cow, he still loves her.
- There's a bumper sticker.
- Back in a minute.
I liked your shot at Thorpe.
Our next caller disagrees.
Really? Put him on.
I welcome contrasting viewpoints.
Hello, Seattle.
Roz, who is on the line? On line one, we have Holden Thorpe.
- Go ahead, caller.
- 'Crane? Thorpe.
- 'Let me ask you, are you married?' - Divorced.
- 'Did you ever serve in the military?' - I have congenitally weak ankles.
'I see.
So a guy like you - unmarried, didn't serve his country - 'criticizes a patriotic family man who fought in the battle of Grenada.
- 'I went in on the first wave.
' - On a surfboard, I suppose.
'When the likes of you are off the radio, 'America will be a nice, friendly place to live again.
' You've said your piece; now listen to mine.
Hang up, will you? You may not listen, but Seattle will hear me out.
They won't.
The show ended five seconds ago.
Oh, hello, there.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
You may know me from my radio show.
Today, I'm speaking as a concerned citizen.
As a mental health expert, I've been listening to Phil Patterson.
I like the way his mind works.
He's a visionary who cares about the little people.
That's why I'm proud to say I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
Thanks, Frasier.
Together, we can live the dream.
Phil Patterson: the sane choice.
OK, give us five minutes to adjust the lights and we'll shoot.
Yes, adjust those lights.
They need to be lighter and brighter.
- Thanks, Frasier.
- Our pleasure.
The Cranes have a history of political involvement.
My wife has all our servants at your campaign HQ licking envelopes.
She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.
- Hello.
- You agreed to keep him out.
You know how he gets.
He whines and whimpers until you can't stand it.
Don't let them talk about you like that.
She was talking about me.
- Hi.
Marty Crane.
- Phil Patterson.
You look familiar but I can't place you.
- Let me give you a hint.
- Dad! I'm just trying to help the guy! He did a commercial for your opponent.
Yes.
It came back to me.
Hello.
Daphne Moon.
My uncle was a political writer for a London tabloid.
I remember his biggest scoop.
The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught in women's clothing.
" On page two you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd bought the paper.
- Thank you, Miss Moon.
- It's a little hot.
- Want to step out on the balcony? - Great.
- Oh, beautiful view.
- Thank you.
Yes, I feel very lucky living here.
And I feel lucky to be a part of your campaign, as well.
It's me who's lucky.
It's a boost to get an endorsement from you.
- My name doesn't carry much weight.
- People love you.
I've listened to your show.
To tell the truth, I've even thought of calling in.
Really? What for? Oh, it's kind of sensitive.
Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist, anything you tell me will be in confidence.
It's funny how, the more you bottle things up inside, the bigger they seem to be.
Well, I've never told anybody this before but OK, here goes.
Six years ago, I was abducted by aliens.
Aliens? They took me to their spaceship for a conference.
They're concerned about our planet.
Hey, you were right.
Now I've said it out loud, it's doesn't seem like that big a deal.
No.
They're ready, gentlemen.
Let's elect a Congressman! Frasier? Frasier? Roll it.
And Action.
Hello.
I'm Dr Frasier Crane.
You may know me from my radio show, but today, I'm speaking as a concerned citizen.
A deeply concerned citizen.
As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend, Phil Patterson, has to say.
I like the way his mind works.
He's a visionary who cares about the "little people".
That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
Thanks, Frasier.
Together, we can live the dream.
Phil Patterson the sane choice.
- OK, cut! - God, I'm burning up! You were nervous.
Take a few minutes and we'll try again.
I got mine on the first take! Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? What's going on? I've something to get off of my chest but I'd be violating doctor-patient confidence.
Nothing is more sacrosanct than professional ethics.
Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them.
I'll be your psychiatrist.
Then you can spill your guts with impunity.
It's borderline, but I'm desperate.
Just now, on the balcony, Phil Patterson told me he had been abducted by aliens.
Apparently, he was beamed up to the mother ship for a little interplanetary chitchat.
This is bad, isn't it? Niles, it's awful.
We'll look like such idiots! We? It was your idea to get into politics.
My idea? I can't believe you have the gall to tell me I wanted to stop you.
This isn't getting us anywhere.
Put that away! All right.
What are we going to do? Convince Phil to drop out and seek help.
- If he drops out, Thorpe wins.
- Forget it! - Then forget education and the arts.
- I should still back Phil? Can you tell me with certainty, in such a vast universe, there isn't intelligent life elsewhere? At present, I'm not sure there is intelligent life in this kitchen! Assume it's in his imagination.
How often does he see them? Only once.
Which suggests it was brought on by overwork, rather than a paranoid delusion.
- My diagnosis exactly.
- Phil deserves his chance.
- He still needs professional help.
- Yes! The best there is.
- But we won't turn our backs on him.
- No.
So will you treat him? I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker! It's time I got my eyebrows waxed.
I'm getting that Romanian peasant look.
- It doesn't help that I haven't slept.
- Dating a snorer? I'm getting tired of your constant insinuation that I sleep around.
I didn't sleep 'cause of Chopper Dave.
When he's bored with traffic reports, he likes to buzz people's apartments in his helicopter.
- Annoying.
- It didn't bother me.
But the guy I was with is a Vietnam vet and he had flashbacks.
Greetings, losers! Heard the news? One of your overpaid idols passed his urine test? Laugh, but word's out about Patterson and his aliens.
- My God! - It's all over TV.
- How did they find out? - You can't keep this quiet.
Every station is serving his heart on a platter.
It's just like the media to find a flaw to ruin a career.
I have a conduit to the public ear.
- I won't let Phil go without a fight! - What aliens? Patterson's got two illegal aliens from Guatemala working in his house.
No green cards, no documents, no chance! Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I have just learned that it has become public knowledge that Phil Patterson believes in aliens from outer space.
Not only that, he believes he has met them, that he was beamed aboard their spaceship for a chat.
Shocked? Well, all right.
But let's ask ourselves these questions.
Does this harmless delusion, most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation, adversely affect his voting record? I say no! What leader doesn't have quirks? Reagan saw astrologers.
Patton believed in reincarnation.
Even Hoover let his slip show once in a while.
People, this is a great leader.
We shouldn't consider minor eccentricities.
What's important, what really counts, is what's in here.
I'm pointing at my chest now.
'The results are in.
Holden Thorpe is elected 'with a whopping 92% of the vote.
' At least Mr Patterson got 8%.
They must have counted absentee votes from planet Krypton.
Now, Dr Crane.
It wasn't all your fault.
Those Guatemalans would have cost him votes anyway.
Those Guatemalans were exchange students.
Phil gave them room and board to show goodwill between countries.
I'd like to stay and gloat, but I've got to change to go to the celebration at Thorpe HQ.
You're welcome to tag along.
You're quite a hero down there! No, thank you! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! When will I learn it hurts when I do that? - Oh.
Phil.
Come on in.
- Hi, Frasier.
Thank you.
Just came by to return this good-luck tie you loaned me.
I saw you wearing it for your concession speech.
A little embarrassing, having to do it before lunch.
But it gave me time to pick up my dry cleaning.
- I am so sorry.
- It's OK.
- You thought you were defending me.
- Seattle deserves better than Thorpe.
That's politics.
It's just one election.
- I'll be back.
- You really think you can? Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I believe anything's possible.
Phil.
I've got to ask you Do you really believe it happened? I honestly wish I could say it didn't, but it did.
I guess you'll never believe it unless it happens to you.
So, what's next for you? Maybe I'll run in California.
A thing like this could actually help me there.
Anything's possible.
Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave!