Roseanne s02e07 Episode Script

HOW'S THAT CARAMEL COMING? GOOD ENOUGH TO ROLL AROUND IN.
GET AWAY FROM THERE.
YOU DON'T NEED THE CALORIES.
PUT A STICK IN IT.
OH, CARAMEL APPLES! HEY, LEAVE THOSE ALONE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO GET FAT LIKE YOUR AUNT JACKIE.
HALLOWEEN'S NOT FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS.
THAT'S TORTURE.
YOU GOT SOMETHING AGAINST TORTURE? THESE ARE FOR THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS.
WHAT TRICK-OR-TREATERS? NO ONE EVEN GOES OUT ANYMORE BECAUSE THE CHEAPOS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD TURN OUT THEIR LIGHTS AND PRETEND THEY'RE NOT HOME.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE USED TO DO TO PEOPLE WHO DID THAT? WE'D SOAP THEIR WINDOWS.
COOL.
YEAH.
THEN WE'D HIDE ON THE ROOFTOPS AND BOMB THEIR CARS WITH EGGS.
NO WAY.
YEAH, AND THEN YOU GET A DOG, YOU TAKE THESE BROWN PAPER BAGS, AND YOU FIND A SCOOPER-- MORE COFFEE, OFFICER? MOM, I GOT AN OWIE.
SO? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT? COME ON, MOM! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN, DEEJ? NINJA WARRIOR, MASTER OF DEATH.
OW! SOME WARRIOR.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GOING OUT AS? OOH, MAYBE I'LL BE WONDER WOMAN.
AND I'LL BE CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST.
I GUESS YOU TWO ARE JUST TOO MATURE FOR TRICK-OR-TREATING.
BESIDES, IF I WANT CANDY, I'LL GO THROUGH YOUR PURSE.
I'M PROBABLY GOING TO MARCI MICHAELSON'S PARTY.
ROSEANNE, REMEMBER MRS.
OSMUND? OH, YEAH.
SHE WAS SCARY.
WHO WAS SHE? SHE WAS THIS MADWOMAN OVER ON ELMRIDGE WHO LOOKED LIKE A VAMPIRE.
SHE HAD THIS LONG, BLACK, HAGGY HAIR, AND SOME CAPED THING, AND SHE USED TO JUMP OUT FROM HER FRONT PORCH AND SCARE US HALF TO DEATH.
TOO BAD SHE NEVER DID IT ON HALLOWEEN.
HEY, SIS, DIDN'T SHE WIND UP IN JAIL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE? YEAH, AND I THINK THAT I READ SOMEWHERE THAT SHE JUST GOT RELEASED.
YEAH, I THINK I READ THAT, TOO.
WELL, YOU THINK SHE'LL COME BACK TO LANFORD? IF SHE'S TRULY INSANE, SHE WILL.
DARLENE, THEY'RE JUST GOOFING ON YOU.
YEAH.
WE'RE JUST GOOFING ON YOU.
I'M GOING OVER TO OAK ORCHARD NOW TO PICK UP PLANS FOR THE GRALICK JOB.
YOU WANT ANYTHING FROM THE HARDWARE STORE? UHYEAH.
BRING ME BACK A GREAT BIG, OLD, UH TABLE-TOP SAW, YOU KNOW, AND A COUPLE OF, UH POWER DRILLS, WOULD YOU? YOU WANT TO BE A WISE GUY, HUH? WELL, JUST FOR THAT NOOOO! NO, DAN, THOSE ARE FOR HALLOWEEN.
OH! HALLOWEEN! DID SHE SAY HALLOWEEN? DAD, YOU REMEMBER SOME PSYCHO NAMED MRS.
OSMUND? DIDN'T SHE HAVE A COUPLE HITS DURING THE SEVENTIES? HONEY, YOU KNOW THE ONE THEY CAME AND TOOK AWAY? OH, YEAH.
SHE WAS A REAL PSYCHO.
WASN'T SHE THE ONE WHO WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO BITE HER FACE? WELL, THAT WAS WHEN THERE WAS STILL HOPE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WITH HER AFTER THAT.
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
WHO COULD FORGET? SHE, UH SHE ESCAPED.
YEAH.
NO, SHE DIDN'T.
YOU SAID THEY LET HER OUT.
OH, WELL, WE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW THERE'S AN APB OUT ON HER.
IS THAT RIGHT? DAN THERE'S A WOMAN IN OUR BACK YARD.
SHE'S HIDING BEHIND THE GARAGE.
I BETTER GO OUT THERE, HONEY.
NO, DAN, NO! WHERE'D SHE GO? WHERE'D SHE GO? AAH! AAH! SHE ATE HER FACE.
YEAH, RIGHT! AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD FOR THIS JUNK? YEAH, BUT WE ARE JUST SO GOOD AT IT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO HORROR, YOUR MOM HERE'S THE CHAMP.
EXCUSE ME.
DID YOU SAY CHAMP? THAT'S RIGHT.
I AM THE FAIR MAIDEN OF FRIGHT.
GET BACK, LORETTA.
JACKIE, WOULD YOU SET HER STRAIGHT, PLEASE? OH, I DON'T KNOW, SIS.
I THINK HE MIGHT'VE GOT YOU LAST YEAR WHEN HE ATE HIS EYEBALL.
YOU GUYS ARE SO WEAK WITH ALL THIS HALLOWEEN STUFF EVERY YEAR.
HALLOWEEN? DID SHE SAY HALLOWEEN? I CAN'T STAND IT.
I'M LOSING MY MIND.
IGORSTORE! FIREBAD.
PAINASS.
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I GOT A DATE.
MOM, THAT'S NOT A VERY GOOD LOOK FOR YOU.
IT'S THE PERFECT LOOK.
NOW SCRAM.
GET OUT OF HERE.
GET OUT OF HERE.
GO.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY KHAKIS? OH, MY GOD! OH, NO! OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THANK GOD.
I JUST HATE BURNT TOAST.
YOU AREN'T PLAYING FAIR.
IS THERE ANY COFFEE? NO! AAH! HOW'D YOU KNOW I DIDN'T REALLY GET FRIED BY THAT LOUSY TOASTER? BECAUSE THE LIGHTS DIDN'T FLICKER.
SEE, WHEN YOU GET ELECTROCUTED, YOU COMPLETE A CIRCUIT, AND YOUR BODY SUCKS UP ENOUGH CURRENT TO CREATE A SHORT IN THE REST OF THE HOUSE.
THANK YOU, PROFESSOR.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, A FRESH BRAIN.
AN UNUSED BRAIN.
WELL, HE IS YOUR SON.
DARLENE! THEY CUT OUT MY TONGUE.
YOU ARE SO GROSS.
GROSS? YOU'RE DISGUSTING! AND I'M PROUD TO BE YOUR MOMMY.
NOW CLEAN UP THIS BLOOD, AND FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? THE BACKSTROKE.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY! HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
AAH! VERY FUNNY, DAN.
I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
SOUNDS FROM THE HAUNTED MANSION.
BOY, "MOANS, SCREAMS, AND RATTLING CHAINS.
" I GET IT.
YOU TAPED YOUR DATE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH.
HOW DID YOU GUESS? WHAT'S THIS? THE SPEAKERS ARE DETACHABLE.
AHA! SO WHAT? SO YOU PUT THE SPEAKERS IN THE WINDOWS AND WE CAN HAUNT THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I'LL GO GET THE EXTENSION CORD.
HE'S SO SCARY.
HOW'S YOUR COSTUME COMING? IT'S THE COOLEST.
YOU WANT TO SEE? YEAH.
WALK THIS WAY.
OH! HEY.
I AM GOING TO BE THE WICKED WITCH OF THE MIDWEST.
GREAT CAPE.
WHERE'D YOU GET THE HAT? MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.
TOO BAD THE GIRLS AREN'T INTO HALLOWEEN ANYMORE.
WELL, EVERY DAY'S HALLOWEEN FOR DARLENE.
OOH.
BECKY'S 14, SO ALL SHE CARES ABOUT IS BOYS AND HERSELF.
SHE'LL GROW OUT OF THAT.
WHY? I NEVER DID.
HONEY, I NEED A RAG.
I NEED A RAG.
WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I CUT MYSELF.
YOU WANT THE FIRST-AID KIT? YEAH, YOU BETTER GET IT.
THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.
WHAT HAPPENED? I WAS CUTTING SOMETHING ON THE JIGSAW, AND IT WAS KINDA DULL.
WELL, LET ME LOOK.
YOU'LL NEED STITCHES.
AAH! THE MASTER.
YOU HALF SCARED ME TO DEATH.
THE MASTER.
THAT IS THE SICKEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
THE MASTER.
THIS IS A SICK HOUSEHOLD.
YEAH.
IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT SICKER BEFORE I'M DONE WITH HIM, 'CAUSE THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL.
[THUNDER.]
THIS IS SO GREAT.
MAYBE WE'LL GET THUNDER AND LIGHTNING LIKE IN FRANKENSTEIN.
BZZZZT! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! HA HA HA HA! AND I'M MARRIED TO IT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
THAT'S DIANE FOR ME.
HELLO.
THAT'S DIANE FOR ME.
HELLO.
HI.
HONEY, HAS A GUY NAMED JEFF GRALICK CALLED TODAY? ISN'T HE THE OAK ORCHARD JOB? YEAH, HE'S THAT GARAGE CONVERSION.
HE WANTED TO CALL THIS AFTERNOON AND SPEAK TO ME ABOUT SOME CHANGES IN THE PLANS IF HE COULD GET THROUGH.
I MIGHT BE ABLE TO TALK HIM INTO SOME DEN WORK IF SOME PEOPLE WOULD GET OFF THE PHONE! NO.
NO WHAT? NO, HE DIDN'T CALL.
OH.
OH! THAT IS THE GEEKIEST COSTUME I HAVE EVER SEEN.
WHERE DID YOU GET THE HIDEOUS MASK? DROP DEAD.
GOOD.
GOOD? THAT WAS GREAT.
I FELL RIGHT DOWN.
THAT WAS THE PERFECT DEATH.
DARLENE, YOU NEED TO LOOK A LITTLE MORE BLUDGEONED.
YEAH, AND I NEED A SCAR.
CAN YOU DO SCARS? I MEAN BLOODY, DRIPPY, GOOEY, UGLY SCARS.
YEAH, I CAN DO SCARS.
I'LL DO YOUR MAKEUP, TOO, BECKY.
OH, BECKY WON'T BE NEEDING MAKEUP.
SHE'S ALREADY GROTESQUE AND HIDEOUS AS IT IS.
WHY DON'T YOU SHUT YOUR THIN-LIPPED LITTLE MOUTH? MAKEUP! WHERE ARE THE APPLES? DIDN'T WE BUY LIKE A HUNDRED APPLES TODAY? CAN'T I EVEN GET AN APPLE IN MY OWN HOUSE? THEY'RE FOR THE APPLE-BOB LATER ON.
WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT! JEEZ, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE THE WICKED WITCH.
HERE.
WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING READY FOR YOUR PARTY? I'M NOT GOING, OK? I DON'T EVEN LIKE MARCI MICHAELSON OR ANY OF HER SNOTTY LITTLE FRIENDS ANYWAY.
YOU DIDN'T GET INVITED? WHO SAID I WASN'T INVITED? I'M JUST GUESSING.
WELL, I'M GLAD I'M NOT GOING.
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE IN 10th GRADE, THEY THINK THEY'RE SO BRILLIANT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, OLDER KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO RANK ON YOUNGER KIDS.
THAT'S WHAT HIGH SCHOOL'S ALL ABOUT.
HEY, LOOK HOW YOU RANK ON DARLENE, AND YOU'RE ONLY A FRESHMAN.
HEY, WE CAN ALWAYS USE A COUPLE MORE BODIES AT THE OLD HAUNTED RANCHERO-- EVEN IF THEY ARE ALIVE.
FORGET ABOUT IT, OK? I'M NOT INTERESTED! HEY, HEY! JUST 'CAUSE YOU GOT YOUR EVENING RUINED DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND RUIN MINE.
I HATE HALLOWEEN.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HALLOWEEN IS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT IT.
OK, I WON'T.
HALLOWEEN IS THE ONE NIGHT OF THE ENTIRE YEAR WHERE THE VEIL IS LIFTED BETWEEN THE LIVING AND THE DEAD.
AND THE DEAD RETURN FROM HELL TO WALK THE EARTH.
AND WE HAVE TO DRESS UP LIKE GHOSTS AND GOBLINS AND STUFF TO FAKE OUT THE EVIL SPIRITS OR ELSE THEY MIGHT CARRY US BACK TO HELL WITH THEM.
SO WHY DO THE DEAD PEOPLE COME BACK? FOR THE CANDY.
THERE'S NO CHOCOLATE IN HELL.
THAT'S WHY IT'S HELL.
WELL, THEY HAVE SOME CHOCOLATE, BUT IT'S REALLY CRUMMY CHOCOLATE-- LIKE IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY CARAMEL, OR NOUGAT, DOESN'T HAVE ANY CREAMY CENTER OR ALMONDS.
MOTHER.
DO YOU WANT TO GO AND GET DRESSED OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL? I BEHEADED THE WASHING MACHINE.
WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR? YOU'LL SEE, MY PRETTY.
YOU'LL SEE.
[COUGH COUGH.]
OK.
I THINK WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING DOWN HERE.
I LIT THE JACK O' LANTERNS.
I GOT THE DISHES OF CANDY ALL LAID OUT IN THE FRONT ROOM.
YOU OK? [CHOKING.]
I GOT THE GARAGE CLEANED UP.
THE GAMES ARE READY TO GO.
I'VE GOT THE APPLE-BOB'S SET UP.
YOU SURE YOU OK? [CHOKING.]
AND LET'S SEEOH, YEAH.
D.
J.
AND DARLENE MADE THE CUTEST LITTLE FAKE SPIDERS.
[COUGH COUGH.]
I'M SO PROUD OF THEM.
[CHOKING.]
WELL, IT'S GETTING DARK OUT.
I BETTER GO.
D.
J.
, DARLENE.
COME ON, LET'S GO! DAN, I HATE YOU! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'M COMING.
[RING.]
JUST A MINUTE.
TRICK OR TREAT! COME ON, RONNIE, YOU GOT TO YELL.
TRICK OR TREAT.
HI.
I'M GLENDA, THE GOOD WITCH OF THE NORTH.
YOU THINK IT'S TOO MUCH? I THINK IT'S WAY TOO MUCH.
THAT'S WHY I LIKE IT.
OOH.
AND EVERYTHING HERE LOOKS SO SPOOKY.
WELL, I CLEANED UP A LITTLE.
ROSEANNE, THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT WITH THE CHILDREN.
OH, HEY, YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.
HEY, LONNIE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE JASON FOR HALLOWEEN.
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE A PIRATE.
YOHOHO.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUT TO THE DRIVEWAY AND SET FIRE TO SOME WORMS? HOW DO I LOOK? UGH.
LOOKS LIKE YOU LOST A WING.
EMERGENCY EXITS ARE THAT WAY AND THAT WAY.
SO, ARE YOU FEELING BETTER? I GUESS SO, BUT I HATE MARCI MICHAELSON.
WELL, NO NEED TO WORRY, MY CHILD.
I'VE ALREADY CURSED HER.
SHE WILL HAVE CHRONIC MORNING BREATH, CHAPPED LIPS, AND TRIPLETS FROM HER FIRST PREGNANCY.
TRICK OR TREAT! TRICK OR TREAT! [DAN'S VOICE.]
WELCOME TO THE TUNNEL OF TERROR.
HA HA HA! PLEASE JOIN US.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M ECCENTRA, YOUR TOUR GUIDE THROUGH THE TUNNEL OF TERROR.
THIS IS THE MASTER'S LABORATORY WHERE HE DOES HIS RESEARCH.
AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW, OR IS THAT JUST ONE OF HIS EXPERIMENTS? GOT AN ASPIRIN? I'VE GOT A SPLITTING HEADACHE.
I WOULDN'T GO TOO NEAR THE CHEF, IF I WAS YOU.
YOU MIGHT END UP BEING THE MAIN COURSE! AAH! WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME OF OUR DELICIOUS INTESTINAL STEW? NO! STOP! LET GO OF ME! FOLLOW ME! COME ALONG! COME ALONG! THAT WAY.
THAT WAY! THIS IS THE ONLY WAY OUT.
FOLLOW ME INTO THE ENCHANTED GARAGE.
HEY.
LISTEN.
HEY, JACKIE.
CAN YOU HELP ME THINK OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD REALLY SCARE DAN? 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT NOTHING JUST GROSS, EITHER.
I WANT SOMETHING THAT WOULD REALLY SCARE HIM.
TELL HIM YOU'RE PREGNANT.
DON'T WANT TO KILL HIM.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
ANOTHER CUSTOMER.
THINK OF SOMETHING, OK? YEAH.
YOU'RE DEMENTED! HA HA HA! [DAN'S VOICE.]
WELCOME TO THE TUNNEL OF TERROR.
HA HA HA! PLEASE JOIN US.
GOOD EVE-- OH, HI, LITTLE BOY.
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE A GROWN-UP BUSINESSMAN.
JEFF, HOW YOU DOING? HONEY, THIS IS JEFF GRALICK.
THIS IS THE JOB TOMORROW.
I JUST GOT IN.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO GO OVER THE PLANS.
ISTHIS A BAD TIME? I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT AN AX IN YOUR FOREHEAD.
NO, NO.
I GOT THE PLANS IN THE BEDROOM.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
NICE TO MEET YOU, JEFF.
COME ON IN.
WOW.
THIS IS REALLY GREAT.
DO YOU GO FOR THIS SORT OF THING? OH, YEAH.
I LOVE IT.
I USED TO DO THE HALLOWEEN SHOW EVERY YEAR FOR THE JAYCEES.
HEY, YOU WANT TO HELP ME SCARE MY HUSBAND? I'D REALLY LIKE TO GET HIM.
WHAT KIND OF SPORT ARE YOU? YOU LEAD.
JEFF, DID THEY FEED YOU ANYTHING ON THAT PLANE? NO, AND I'M REALLY HUNGRY.
OH, ARE YOU? WELL, HOW ABOUT SOME OF THIS? AAH! ROSEANNE! HOW ABOUT TRYING SOME OF OUR DEAD MAN'S STEW? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS A $50 TIE.
WELL, HERE, LET ME JUST RINSE IT OFF FOR YOU.
ROSEANNE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? LOOK AT THIS! YOU RUINED IT! ROSEANNE-- OH, MY GOD! ROSEANNE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? I'M SORRY, JEFF.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE BACK.
AH, GET UP, YOU BIG BABY.
ROSEANNE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? LOOK, MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GET MYSELF ANOTHER CONTRACTOR AND JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE.
AW, COME ON, JEFF.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE, DAN? YOU SAID HE WAS A BIG JERK, AND HE IS! ROSEANNE! JEFF, LOOK, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL SHE'S DOING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S- I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.
TRYING TO SCARE YOU, DAN.
AH.
OOH.
OOH, OW.
OOH.
YOU'RE DEAD.
YOU'RE A DEAD WOMAN.
OH, BOY, ARE YOU DEAD! THE LATE ROSEANNE CONNER! [THUNDER.]
DAN? DAN? IS THAT YOU? OK, IF THAT'S YOU, CUT IT OUT.
CUT IT OUT.
OK, DAN.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU'RE SCARING ME.
CUT IT OUT! [CHAIN SAW STARTS.]
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT THING WITH JEFF.
HE KNEW IT WAS A JOKE! COME ON, DAN.
OK.
OK.
YOU WIN, DAN.
YOU ARE THE MASTER.
[CHAIN SAW STOPS.]
SCHMUCK.
THE MASTER.
[THUNDER.]
BUT DOESN'T DAD HAVE TO WORK? NO, NO.
I KNOW HE NEEDS TIME OFF.
OH, YEAH, WELL, I'M SURE DAN AND THE KIDS WOULD LOVE IT.
YOU GUYS ARE GONNA COME OUT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS? HOLD ON A MINUTE, OK? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? YOU TELL HER NO! OK, UH YEAH, IT'S FINE.
YOU'LL BE HERE FOR TWO WEEKS.
OH, THREE WEEKS.
OK.
THAT'S FINE, MOM.
WELL, WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU.
WE LOVE YOU, TOO, AND I'LL SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF DAYS, THEN.
BYE.
CALL HER BACK RIGHT NOW.
YOU CALL THAT WOMAN AND YOU SAY THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT THEY'RE STAYING HERE FOR THREE WEEKS, OR YOU-- THE MASTER.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL AAH!