The Golden Girls (1985) s02e07 Episode Script

Ma, what are you doing? It's a funny little habit I picked up.
I call it eating.
Rose made it for her daughter.
You can't eat till she comes.
Oh, please, there's enough food here to feed my entire village in Sicily.
- Blanche.
- Help me.
Oh, my back gave out.
I figured that would be the third thing to go.
What happened? I was in my aerobics class when I noticed this gorgeous man.
During the buttocks lifts, he motioned for my number.
I didn't wanna appear easy, so I rolled over and flung my legs over my head.
That's what I call giving him the brush-off.
- Hi, Mom.
- My God, it's Michael.
Michael.
Look, Ma, it's Michael.
Oh, honey, what a surprise.
You look great.
I'm glad to see you.
I've missed you.
Why the hell haven't you written, you little ingrate? He's a musician in New York.
He hasn't time to write.
- Hi, Grandma.
- Don't hi me.
You can't pick up a phone and call your grandmother? You look terrific, Grandma.
I know.
So give me a kiss.
I want you to meet my friend, Blanche.
Blanche, Michael.
I would get up but I've thrown my back out of whack You don't have to explain.
Mother told me about you.
- Why didn't you say you were coming? - I could have cooked a meal.
My job at the jazz club ended so I came here.
- I'm so glad you did.
- You play jazz? The only white boy from Brooklyn who could scat.
But I thought the job was till the end of summer.
I had artistic differences with the club owner.
People pick on him because he's talented.
He wanted everyone to wear a tie and I refused.
Michael stands up for his principles.
He's the Norma Rae of the music business.
Everybody, I want you to meet my daughter, Bridget.
Bridget, this is Blanche.
And Dorothy.
And Sophia.
And a total stranger.
This is my son, Michael.
He's staying with us.
Ma, you don't have the space.
Don't be silly, you can have my room.
I'll camp out on the couch.
Michael, it's nice meeting you.
Dorothy's told us about you.
- This is my daughter, Bridget.
- Hello.
Bridget's going to study at Oxford, England.
I've found a terrific flat on campus.
Great.
I hear the commute from here's a killer.
- Pardon me? - It was a joke.
- Cute.
- Where do you go to school? College isn't really my style.
I attend the school of life.
A lot of people go there when they can't get accepted anywhere else.
Cute.
Bridget, I know you're hungry after your trip, honey.
- I fixed your favourite things.
- It looks delicious.
Wait.
Where are the wooden shoes I carved out of cheese? My mother spread them on the tiny windmill you built out of Triscuits.
- This is my best breakfast in ages.
- Me, too.
Normally she feeds me lumpy oatmeal and black bananas.
- I'll do that.
- No, you won't.
- You don't have to.
- I enjoy doing it.
Here, why not double your fun? - Good morning.
- How's your back? - Terrible.
- What did the doctor say? I am the most spectacular specimen of the female anatomy he has seen since Julie Newmar.
- He said it's a back problem.
- Thank God he's a specialist.
He said no activity for a week.
I have to wear a corset and lie back with my legs elevated.
That's the same thing you did last Saturday.
Honey, you just follow the doctor's orders and everything'll be fine.
I don't think I can go without physical activity for a week.
I have serious needs.
I'm at my sexual peak.
- Blanche.
- Well, I am, Dorothy.
- When a woman's at her peak - This is my child.
I wish you wouldn't treat me like a child.
Don't be ridiculous.
I don't treat you like one.
Here's $10.
Go take your grandmother to see The Journey Of Natty Gann.
Shut up and take the money.
Forget the movie.
We'll double our money at the track, and goof on bums.
- Michael seems like a nice man.
- Oh, he really is.
But I'm worried about him.
He's always been a little flighty.
I wouldn't worry about that.
Grandma always said I was a little flighty.
Or was it a little floozy? - Morning, everyone.
- You want some breakfast? No.
Bridget packed a delicious meal and drove me to the country.
We took a walk and picked wild flowers.
We waded in the creek and then guess what? Julie Andrews showed up, you all fed deer and sang, "If I Had A Hammer".
Rose, sounds like you had a lovely morning.
Oh, it was.
But it made me sad.
I realised how much I'll miss her.
We've always been close.
I was the same way with Michael.
Was? I thought you got on great.
It's not that we don't get on.
It's just that we think differently.
I think he should settle down and find a job.
He thinks he should be travelling over the country, trying to find himself.
Maybe what Michael needs is a little exposure.
- Exposure to what? - To plutonium, Rose.
To somebody more career-oriented, somebody like Bridget.
Maybe if they spent time together, she'd be a positive influence.
Are you suggesting that Michael and Bridget go out? That is exactly what I'm suggesting.
I don't think so.
I stay out of my children's social lives.
- I'm afraid I agree with Rose.
- Like that Scandinavian saying, "You can lead a herring to water but you have to walk really fast or he'll die.
" Alright, fine.
I thought they'd have more fun together instead of hanging around with me and three old ladies.
I'll get changed.
Bridget's taking me to the House of Fabrics for the felt sale.
I hope I don't get too crazy.
You'd better take a tranquilliser before you go.
Remember, last time, you hyperventilated and almost passed out.
I never passed out at the House of Fabrics.
I passed out at the World of Wool.
For the first time in my life, my body feels old.
I can't do the things I used to.
Rubber Woman couldn't do the things you used to.
It's only natural that, as you're growing older, your body changes.
- It falls apart.
- It does not fall apart.
For 50 years, I look like Chita Rivera.
One morning, my butt's like a bulldog's neck.
I remember when I felt I was getting older.
I was visiting my daughter.
She had a walk-up apartment, five flights up.
It got harder and harder each year to climb those stairs.
Finally, one year, I couldn't make it without stopping.
It depressed me for weeks.
Oh, my God.
Is that what I have to look forward to, 15 years from now? - Another game? - I don't feel like it.
- Play with Michael.
- He's not here.
- Where is he? - You were at the market.
The kids decided to go out.
- Michael asked Bridget out? - Not exactly, no.
I just happened to have some free tickets to the symphony.
So I suggested they take 'em.
Both Rose and I told you not to interfere with their social lives.
I just thought it might be fun.
A set-up date is never fun.
In Sicily, everything is set up.
Dates, marriage, death.
Especially death.
Whenever I go into a restaurant, I sit with my back to the wall.
Except any diner in Newark, where if you're against the wall, you stick.
Hi, Blanche.
Shouldn't you be lying down? But I'm tired of being on my back.
Did I just say that? Are the kids back from their date? - Our kids? - No, the Katzenjammer Kids.
Of course our kids.
We decided not to interfere.
We did, but Blanche here decided differently.
Oh, Blanche, how could you? Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about.
- I heard 'em come in hours ago.
- I'll say good night to Bridget.
- Can you bring my heating pad? - Sure.
Dorothy, do you realise it's been four days since I've enjoyed the company of a man? I know, Blanche.
I've been marking the days off on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.
I can't stand it much longer.
My body feels like a Corvette on blocks with its engine racing and the wheels just spinning with nowhere to go.
I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Dorothy, you must help me.
Do something.
Honey, there's nothing I can do.
So let go of my hand.
Oh, my God.
Hi there.
Rose, don't look.
- Michael, get out of that bed.
- Believe me, Mom, I'd like to.
But as my clothes are hanging on the doorknob, it's not a good idea.
Oh, my God.
They're naked.
People usually are in this situation, Rose.
Unless they're all dressed up in costumes.
Sorry.
What's all the commotion? Oh, boy.
- This isn't what it looks like.
- I'm 80 years old.
I may not remember what it feels like, but I remember what it looks like.
- Grandma, listen - You, listen.
How dare you come here and act like a gigolo? You've embarrassed me, your mother, our friends.
Not to mention that poor, stupid, flat-chested girl.
You've broken my heart.
I'm ashamed you're my grandson.
Look what you've done.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Bridget, I am shocked at your behaviour.
Why doesn't everybody just calm down? Bridget and Michael went out, had a great time.
It was nice.
I wouldn't call it great.
Sorry, too much wine.
Would you like us to leave so you can try again? Dorothy.
I don't think we should encourage them.
Why don't we let them get dressed? Then we can discuss this like rational human beings.
That's a good idea, Blanche.
Rose, I meant let them get dressed in private.
Oh, sorry.
I guess I'm still in shock.
I've never seen Bridget in bed with a man.
Except Raggedy Andy.
- I just can't believe it.
- Believe it, Rose.
I can't.
You know when you can't believe something? I can't believe Alan Thicke has a hit series.
That doesn't mean it isn't so.
- I blame you for this, Blanche.
- Why? But for that date, Michael wouldn't have seduced Bridget.
- What? He didn't seduce her.
- You were there? - I happen to know.
- How? - Bridget isn't his type.
- No, she's too good for him.
How about a nice glass of lemonade? - Why is she too good for him? - He has no job.
Neither does Henry Kissinger but he's still highly regarded.
- My son is an artist.
- A nice way of saying loser.
My son is not a loser.
He happens to be very talented.
Yes, at taking advantage of poor young girls.
You agree he does have talent.
Rose, face it, your daughter moves faster than Marcus Allen.
I can't face it.
I don't even know who Marcus Allen is.
Let me put it to you another way.
When are you gonna accept that your daughter is not the goody two-shoes you think? - What do you mean? - What would you call a girl who sleeps with a man she's known for one day? A damn good sport.
- I call her a tramp.
- What? You heard me, tramp.
Tramp, tramp, tramp.
Dorothy, we've always had our differences.
But I don't think you've said anything so vicious or so cruel.
I don't think I can speak to you again.
- Go after her.
- I will not.
I'm not the only one who was cruel.
- Morning.
- I'm not talking to you.
You're still upset with me about last night? No, I'm upset because Crockett and Tubbs are wearing darker colours.
Good morning.
Why are you dressed like that? I'm introducing my line of tennis wear.
What do you think? I'm in mourning.
- For whom, Sophia? - Michael.
After last night, he doesn't exist.
Oh, excuse me, I didn't see you.
Morning, Rose.
I guess you're still mad at me, too, huh? - That's right.
- Oh, girls.
Nobody could be more upset about last night than I am.
I was just trying to be hospitable.
I sent the kids to the symphony to hear Henry Mancini's tribute to the Pink Panther.
I didn't expect them to jump into bed.
Besides, it's not the end of the world.
These things do happen.
The same thing happened to me in my early 20s.
I was taking some classes at Miss McGyver's finishing school.
One night, Bobby Jo Springer had escorted me back to my dormitory after the annual Fine Manners ball, when an innocent good-night kiss developed into an evening of passion.
But at 3am, the door flung open and there stood Miss McGyver, making one of those bed checks she was famous for.
I tried to handle the whole thing like a lady.
I waved politely over Bobby Jo's shoulder with my foot.
She was unmoved.
Next day, she sat me down, lectured me and kicked me out of school.
Only, I didn't care.
I knew what ecstasy was.
All she could do was walk around with a dictionary on her head.
Alright, maybe you don't feel like talking to me.
But talk to your children.
Tell them how you feel.
Only, make sure after it's all over that it's brought you closer together, not further apart.
Who are you, Mr Spock? I think you mean Dr Spock, Sophia.
They're both real smart and they've got big ears, so don't get technical, OK? I am speaking from experience, Sophia.
I failed to listen to my children.
You don't see any of them visiting here.
I don't even see my hand in front of my face.
Blanche, you're making a lot of sense.
We were so busy protecting our kids, we fought with each other.
- I owe you an apology.
- I owe you one.
- No, no, no - Girls, what's the difference? The important thing is, we're all friends again.
Maybe you're all friends again, but not me.
I don't forgive or forget.
I'm prone to growing moles.
I'm Italian.
No, no, please, go on.
That's enough.
- Let's talk about last night.
- Sure, Ma.
You ungrateful brat, how could you do this to me? I'm sorry.
That's not what I planned on saying.
It's OK.
You've every right to be angry.
I don't understand how you could do this.
It wasn't anything planned.
The whole thing just kind of happened.
Just kind of happened? Michael, dandruff just kind of happens.
Not a thing like this.
If you don't know that, I've failed somewhere.
Stop torturing yourself.
None of this is your fault.
- It is.
Where did I go wrong? - You're a great mother.
If I were, you would be graduating from medical school, not playing doctor with my best friend's daughter here in this house.
Ma, I'm sorry.
It wasn't the right time and it ended up embarrassing you and your friends.
- I guess I wasn't thinking.
- That's your problem, Michael.
You go through life not thinking.
You go from town to town, job to job, relationship to relationship.
Michael, you're 29 years old.
When will you grow up and accept some responsibility? I'm sorry about what happened.
I'm sorry I won't be all you hoped I'd be.
The only thing I want you to be is happy.
I don't want you waking up one morning, sorry for choices you made.
I appreciate that.
But, Ma, I have to live my own life.
Despite my flaws, I am basically a decent, honest person.
Do you think you could just love me for that? I already do.
Then you forgive me? Of course I forgive you.
But if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I am going to throw you out on your flawed but honest behind.
- So, did you two make up? - Yes, Ma.
Did you apologise and beg her forgiveness? - Yes, Grandma.
- OK, now do it to me.
I'm sorry.
I wouldn't hurt you.
I hope you can forgive me.
- That's it? - I promise to write more often.
- And? - And call you every week.
Every week? You think I don't have a social life? You can call me every other week.
- OK, every other week.
- Good, you're forgiven.
Thank God this is over.
I couldn't see a thing through this crap.
I'm all packed and ready to go.
I'll have your lunch done soon.
Mom, I think we should talk.
- Why don't we forget about it? - I don't want to.
I forgive you.
I know it wasn't your fault.
Mom.
You've got to stop pretending I'm some perfect angel.
I'm not.
I make mistakes.
What I did the other night was one of them.
I am sorry about embarrassing you and your friends.
But that doesn't change the fact that I slept with Michael.
Oh, honey, I so wanted your first time to be special.
It was, Mom.
Four years ago.
Oh, I really don't wanna talk about this.
I want us to talk about this.
I want us to have an open, honest relationship.
I wanna be able to share my deepest, darkest secrets with you.
Couldn't we just wear matching outfits? Mother.
I'm sorry, honey, but it's just that Suddenly, it's like you're a whole new person.
It's gonna take a little getting used to.
I understand.
- I'll miss you very much.
- I'll miss you, too, Mom.
You're sure I can't drive you to the airport? No, I'll be fine.
Dorothy, Sophia, thank you for having me.
Don't thank me, thank my grandson.
Well, gotta go.
I thought you were staying till the end of the week.
I got a call for a gig in New Orleans.
Good luck to you, sweetheart.
Call me when you get there.
I will.
Bye-bye, Grandma.
- Be good, Michael.
- Rose.
- Wanna share a taxi? - Sounds great.
Make sure that's all you share.
- You two have a safe trip.
- Bye-bye, Mom.
Girls, how do I look? - Where are you going? - On a date.
The doctor said take it easy.
He did, but I'm going stir-crazy.
I have to get out.
- Stick to the doctor's orders.
- I think Dorothy's right.
Who knows my body better than I do? Any man in Miami not attached to a woman or a respirator.