Family Guy s02e08 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
- Sure is hot.
- And it just got hotter.
Here.
Now let me do you.
(man) Pawtucket Patriot beer.
If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your back yard.
Typical male fantasy! Women drinking beer! I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Of course a man made it.
It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Ha-ha! Holy crap! We did! We won a free freakin' boat! Dad, nobody gives things away for free.
I know plenty of people who give things away.
I'll take it.
Hello, China? I have something you may want, but it's gonna cost you.
That's right.
All the tea.
I knew there was a catch.
You have to sit through an awful time-share presentation.
A small price to pay.
I'm gonna be the first one on Spooner Street to have his own boat.
Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm gettin' a boat! Hey, Quagmire, I'm also getting a boat too.
Right on! Whoo! I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah! Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street to get a boat.
Hey, hey, hey! I'm gettin' a boat! Oh, man.
Even Della Reese is getting a boat.
These wonderful homes on this beautifully secluded island can be yours with almost no strings attached.
Beautiful island.
Nothing out of the ordinary here.
Just beautiful homes and nothing else.
Each residence has 200 feet of pristine ocean front.
No city noise, no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.
I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
That's so cute.
You're just afraid that because you're a woman, you'll do something stupid, like buy that time-share, or not realise I taped over our wedding video with soft-core porn.
- You taped over our wedding video? - Relax.
I just taped over the boring stuff.
The couple has written their own vows, which they will now recite.
Peter, I Look, the only reason I got myself arrested was to find out what happened to my sister.
Excuse me, ladies, it's laundry time.
It's so cold in here.
I mean, look at my Oh, my God, Peter.
I sent a copy of that tape to my great-aunt Lil.
This wedding is hot! Wake up, dammit! Wake up! Mr and Mrs Griffin.
If you sign this contract without reading it, I'll take your blank cheque, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share, all right? Now where's my boat? Hold on! You have a choice.
You can have the boat or the mystery box.
- Are you crazy? We'll take the boat.
- Not so fast, Lois.
A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything.
It could even be a boat! You know how much we want one.
- Let's - We'll take the box.
"We'll take the box.
" You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.
You're acting like this is the first time I've ever done something stupid.
Remember the time we went to get that boat? A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything.
It could even be a boat! You know how much we want one.
- Let's - We'll take the box.
- Peter, that just happened ten minutes ago.
- Who cares? I bet nobody took the boat.
Who could resist the call of the mystery box? Yahoo! Hey, look at me! I'm the man in the boat! All right! - Joe, look to the right.
It's the Griffins.
- We're nautical now, baby.
That's called starboard.
But I'll forgive you cos you sex me up.
Now give me some sugar.
- Hey, neighbours! Where's your boat? - We didn't take the boat.
We took the mystery box.
Hop in.
Hey, Quagmire, maybe the comedian will tell some jokes about boats or boating or owning a boat.
Yeah.
Or maybe he'll tell some jokes about being a sucker.
Oh, Quagmire, you're what the Spaniards call el terrible.
Why are you upset? I never even knew you liked boats.
Boating's in my blood.
Ever since my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin, rafted down the mighty Mississippi.
- What did you just call me? - I I thought that was your name.
That is our word.
You've got no right using it.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm cool, I'm cool.
No problem.
- Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim.
- Thank you.
This comic sucks! He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it.
Huh? - Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh! - Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Oh, well, pardon me for thinking a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two.
I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
- Hi.
Welcome to - Ha-ha-ha-ha! Very funny! - Excuse me, sir.
I haven't even - That one was hilarious.
That was even funnier than your first joke.
Put Skinny back up there.
- Peter! - You think this is easy? - You wanna come up here and try this? - I thought you'd never ask.
Maybe you shouldn't do this.
You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.
OK, OK.
How many dirty, stinking apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three.
One dirty, stinking ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty, stinking apes to throw faeces at each other.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Don't worry.
I I got it under control.
Hey, hey, how about that Viagra, huh? You know what that stuff does? Huh? Huh? Come on! What, are you people stupid? Ah! You like a little abuse, huh? Yeah.
Well, you gu you guys are stupid and ugly.
If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest, you'd all win! Or lose.
Whichever's funnier.
Hey, Lois.
What do you call a woman who takes for ever to cook breakfast? - I swear to God, Peter - You call her Lois.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, the fat man made a funny.
I rather enjoyed that.
Yes, yes.
Yes, you cook very slowly.
As a matter of fact, if you were any slower at cooking, you'd well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all, now, would you? That one wasn't very good.
They laughed because it looked like you peed yourself, not because they liked your jokes.
Well, maybe that was part of my act.
Urine happens to be very edgy, but an unfunny person like you wouldn't understand that.
OK, OK, I've got it, I've got it.
If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar! Ha-ha-ha! That's right.
I went there.
OK, OK, OK.
Wait.
Here's another one.
Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.
- That's great! - That's a good one.
That's what they're for! Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
All right.
Then you'll love this one.
OK.
Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! So you got something to look at while you're talking to 'em.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! So you got You you wanted to see me, Mr Weed? Peter, we have a problem.
Mr Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox.
I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett.
She's suing you and the company for sexual harassment.
Sarah Sarah I don't Oh, is she the one we video-taped taking a dump? Why? What happened? Sexual harassment is a very serious charge, Mr Griffin.
First of all, if I can speak in my own defence, all I did was tell a little joke.
Second of all, women are not people.
They are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
Peter, please! Miss Ironbox, I assure you this company in no way condones Peter's conduct.
In fact, a film on employee relations has been a mandatory part of our personnel training for 50 years.
Irrational and emotionally fragile by nature, female co-workers are a peculiar animal.
They are very insecure about their appearance.
Be sure to tell them how good they look every day, even if they're homely and unkempt.
You're doing a great job, Muriel, and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren.
And, remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
I teach a workplace sensitivity training class for the Women's Action Coalition.
If Mr Griffin completes my course, we'll drop the lawsuit.
I assure you, Peter will be there.
His job depends on it.
Good.
I'm looking forward to it.
You know, if I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
All right, now let's do some role-playing.
I'll be the office assistant.
Mr Hanson, you play the boss and we'll see what you've learned tonight.
OK.
- The filing is done, Mr Hanson.
- Thank you, Miss Ironbox.
You are a valued member of our business team and every bit as important to this company as I am.
Excellent.
Mr Griffin, why don't you come up here and give it a try? All right.
- The filing is done, Mr Griffin.
- Thank you, Miss Ironbox.
You're a valued member of our business team and I will give you a raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
- Mr Griffin! - I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Let me try again.
- Nice ass.
- You haven't heard a word I've said.
That's not fair.
I've heard everything you've said.
There's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand.
- Honk, honk.
- OK, that's it! Obviously normal sensitivity training isn't enough for you.
No.
We're gonna have to do something drastic.
A week at a women's retreat.
What the hell am I supposed to learn from that? Face it, your attitude towards women isn't exactly enlightened.
That's a bad mud puddle.
I wouldn't want you to step in that and get your nice shoes all ruined.
Then you got caught peeping in the ladies' locker room.
(Peter) OK, move the towel, move the towel.
Oh! Oh! They spotted me! Peter, I think this'll be good for you.
You know I love you, but I have to admit there are times when I wish you were a little more sensitive.
Look at me.
Look at me! Hello, ladies.
I'm Miss Watson, director of the retreat.
I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here to get in touch with his feminine side.
This world would be far better if there were more men like him.
OK, OK, so here's what I'm thinking.
I'll be Charlie and you can all be my angels.
Except you.
You'll be Bosley.
We women have so much strength inside us.
If we can endure the pain of childbirth, imagine what else we're capable of.
Right on, sister! Wah, wah, wah.
Come on! It's only childbirth.
How much could it hurt? It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching it over your head to the back of your neck.
Hey, you wanna hear some horror stories, what about what I went through when Lois was pregnant? (Lois sobs) ("Three's Company" theme on TV) (Lois vomits violently) (increases TV volume) We are conditioned to feel competitive with other women when we should be supportive.
Lizzy, I know you feel alone and unattractive since your husband left you.
But you are a beautiful person and I am here for you.
Notice I'm making physical contact with her in order to establish a connection.
You'd make more of a connection if you hugged her.
Very good, Peter! That's true.
That's it.
Now rub her back.
OK, that's good.
Yeah, comfort her.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You like that, don't you? It's OK.
It's OK to like it.
It's very natural.
OK, good, good.
Now smell her a little.
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
Trust your sisters.
Jump into the trust quilt.
- (woman) Jump! Trust us.
We love you! - (woman #2) We'll catch you.
OK, me next, me next! OK, ladies.
I'm gonna start with a Greg Louganis triple Salchow and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half Aagh! Aagh! Ooh! Aagh! Ow! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh! Aaaaaagh! Aagh! Ow! Now that you've felt a woman's pain, the learning can begin.
Welcome back, Peter.
Lois! I missed you so much.
And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin and bring my bags inside.
- Peter, you're, uh - Brian, put the tea on.
I have stories.
But first I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things.
Oh, fudge! I broke a nail.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God! Dad's a chick! I can't remember the last time we cuddled like this.
I can't remember the last time I loved you so much.
Oh, how did you get so sweet? When I was born, my mommy dunked me in a barrel of sugar.
Oh, for God's sake.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I want the coffee cake.
(phone rings) - Hello! - Hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Peter, what's up? - Not much.
- Well, what do you want? - Nothing.
I just called to talk.
- What you thinking about? - What do you mean? You called me.
I just wanted to say hi.
So what are you d? Sometimes I just can't believe we could make something so beautiful.
He looks just like his father.
I really appreciate all the hard work you did giving birth and mothering our kids.
I'll never know that joy.
Peter, I'm sure you would have been a great mother if you'd had the chance.
- You think so? - I know so.
(gasps) (exhales heavily) (coughs) One of these days I'm gonna need the mirror.
Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to - Lois, what day is it? - Thursday.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I'm late.
- If you spent less time fixing your hair - No, Lois.
I'm late late! - Do we still have that pregnancy test? - Are you insane? You can't have a baby.
Well, I don't have a lot of options.
I'm Catholic! God! I thought you'd be happy! Oh.
Oh, this is just great.
Now my own wife is forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband? Peter, you're my husband.
At least, you used to be.
Oh, Mother, I come bearing a gift.
I'll give you a hint.
- It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
- Meg, can you change Stewie? Fine.
But this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist-deep in poopie.
Honey, I'm glad you discovered your feminine side, but I didn't want you to forget about mine.
Remember this? Huh? - Remember? - Oh, my God.
That reminds me.
I gotta get myself a breast exam.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh! A lump.
A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God! No, Cheeto.
Lois.
How expected.
Hi, Glen.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Is this a bad time? It's never a bad time when you're with the Q man.
Come on in.
Well, as you may have noticed, Peter's been acting a little different lately.
It was refreshing at first, but now well, he doesn't even treat me like a woman any more.
I know where this is going, Lois, and I'm already semi there.
Oh! (cheesy music) Anyways, Glen, I was wondering if you and Cleveland could help change Peter back to the way he was.
Of course that's why you're here.
- Don't worry, I'd do everything to you.
- What? I'd do anything for you.
If we're gonna remasculate Peter, we need to surround him with chicks.
Let's blow this sausagefest and hit the house of tail.
No.
He needs to learn how to respect his fellow man.
That's what this march is all about.
Respect for your fellow man.
I can't respect men.
Men are the reason our world is in such lousy shape.
If men were as caring as women, we wouldn't have crime or violence.
My brothers, we need to stand together Excuse me.
I'd like to say a couple of truths to the men in this audience.
It's your fault we have so much crime in this country and it's your fault we have so much violence in this country.
You are ruining our society and you should be ashamed! (men yelling) Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta write.
The View should be on for three hours.
You just get going and it's News at Noon.
- Can we go soon? - Not yet.
Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are gonna whip it out and see whose is bigger.
Peter, I'm so glad you could make it.
- Gloria, this is my life partner Lois.
- I'm his wife.
His wife, yes.
Peter tells me you don't have a career of your own.
Oh, no.
Life outside my kitchen is so bright and scary.
I'm just here because you caught me between pregnancies.
Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile toward someone who's fighting so a woman like you can become more than just a housewife.
Oh, just a housewife? Look, I'm all for equality, but if you ask me feminism is about choice.
I choose to be a wife and mother.
And now I'm choosing to end this conversation.
No wonder your husband didn't respect women.
Excuse me? I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
You bitch! Ten banana cream pies.
Holy crap, this is hot.
Lois, we gotta go.
- That was wonderful.
- Who said that? Oh, hey, Lois.
I'm starving.
How about a sandwich? - Glad to have you back, Peter.
- Lois, less talky, more fetchy.
I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for "I love you".
("Three's Company" theme)