Frasier s02e08 Episode Script

Hi, we're back.
We have Chester on the line.
- How can I help you? - 'I don't know.
'I've had a lot of fights with my wife lately.
She feels I'm wasting my life.
' - Spinning your wheels? - 'Huh? I don't follow.
' This problem might be too complex for the few seconds remaining.
Call tomorrow.
I'll make sure you get on first thing.
- 'It's tough to get through.
' - Tell you what.
When I get off the air, I'll pick up and try to help.
Take your time.
I've got to scoot.
Bulldog's up after the news with the Gonzo Sports Show on "What's wrong with our Seattle Mariners?" If you haven't commented on that in the last 18 years, do it today! So long, all.
- That was a pretty good show.
- Mm-hmm.
- What's that? - "Seattle Magazine".
The hottest hundred men and women in town.
- Let me see! - What about Chester? You heard him - he can wait.
- You're not in there.
- Oh.
- Niles isn't in there, either.
- Cool! Oh, my! Who is this fresh angel? - Madeline Marshall, No 47.
- Makes her own line of sportswear.
She's a stunning woman! "Single, patron of the arts, MBA at Stanford.
" Well, if you have to go to school on the West Coast "What she looks for most in a man: "someone who knows how to listen.
" Roz, I'm in love! - Why don't you ask her out? - Yeah, right! - What have you got to lose? - She doesn't even know who I am.
- You're on the radio.
- Then why am I not in there? Those are important people.
- I'm going to call her office.
- No! - Hey, Doc! - Bulldog.
Just did an hour on the Stairmaster.
What do you think? Like a couple of cherry tomatoes, huh? Thank you.
You've just put me off salads for a month.
- What have we got here? - Is Madeline Marshall there? - Dr Frasier Crane.
- You know this Madeline Marshall? No.
I found her attractive and Roz insisted on calling her.
Small wonder.
Smart, sophisticated And I like a woman who doesn't wear underwear.
- She's wearing a business suit.
- It was a general comment.
Hi.
Miss Marshall? Could you please hold for Dr Crane? Thank you.
Oh, all right.
Once more unto the breach.
Hello.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I know we've never met, but you seem like a fascinating person.
I was just wondering Would you be so good as to have dinner with me tonight? That's very gracious of you to accept, Chester, but I didn't mean you.
- Roz, you could have said line two! - You could have asked.
Mr Crane, is the proper term "serial killer" or "serial murderer"? - "Serial killer".
Why? - Letting Mum know what's going on.
She worries if she doesn't hear from me.
How about a nice Havana with that wine? Thank you! - Aren't Cuban cigars illegal? - I've got a friend in Customs.
He confiscated them from a teacher who "needed them for a lesson".
When are people going to learn that rules apply to everyone? I love to see a man with a cigar.
It reminds me of my grandfather.
All day, he'd sit with a great big stogey dangling from his lips.
The hours we used to spend on his lap, playing with the yellow whiskers beneath his nose.
He'd take out his teeth with the cigar in them and chase us.
We'd all laugh and laugh.
Then suddenly his mood would change, and we'd all have to run for our lives.
You can't buy memories like that.
Eddie, I know you took the socks that go with this suit.
Where are they? Brown socks with a blue suit? I think not.
Try again.
Thank you.
- Where are you off to? - He has a blind date.
- Really? With whom? - Madeline Marshall.
She has her own sportswear concern.
According to "Seattle Magazine", she is the 47th hottest person in Seattle.
- That article was a sham.
- Not in it, huh? Can you believe it? Well, I'm off.
You know, I have a good feeling about tonight.
I have a song in my heart, a dance in my step and dog saliva around my ankles.
Thank you.
This is wonderful! I've never heard of this place.
You're in for a treat.
"Degas" is the pinnacle of French country dining.
Ettienne Degas, his wife and daughter, will treat us like family.
I couldn't help being flattered when you said you knew my show.
Are you a devoted listener? Actually, my secretary listens to it but I try to catch what I can when I cross through her office.
Bonsoir.
Welcome to "Degas".
Our special tonight is our fabulous crispy duck.
Oh, yummy! And a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape '89.
The only one in that decade to outdo the '88.
Excellent choice.
- You know wine.
- I acquaint myself with fine things.
What would you like to know about me? For starters, why is a man as charming as you still out there? Well, actually, I - I'm recently divorced.
- Thank goodness.
I thought you were one of those single men still living with his parents! Yeah.
Your heart really has to go out to those sad sacks.
- I'm divorced also.
- We have so much in common.
- I caught him with my sister.
- Fabulous! - The same thing happened to me.
- Boy, my sister gets around.
You've kept your sense of humour.
Yeah, but it isn't easy to get over, is it? No.
No, it's not.
Those nights when you ask yourself, "How could this have happened? Was I insensitive?" - "Was I a workaholic?" - "Was I not good enough in bed?" You reach for anything.
What are you telling me? You are pregnant? Maman, I told you he would do this! Who is the father? I want to know! I won't tell you! When I find him, I'll kill him.
I'll snap his neck like a stale baguette! - Your wine.
- Yes, that's the one.
I will just go and open it.
- This will be a night to remember.
- Oh, yes.
Are you going to tell me? No! There's a clam house up the road.
No, I think we're getting the most for our entertainment buck right here.
What did I ever see in you? You don't think I'm sick of you? You and your cuttlefish bisque! I spit in your cuttlefish bisque! Voilà.
It's a delicacy from our little village in France.
Cuttlefish bisque.
What are the odds? I had cuttlefish for lunch.
You can leave my house, Yvette! Go to wherever he is! Are you not the one who gives advice on the radio? - You listen to my show? - No, but my Sous-chef does.
I hear you as I walk through the kitchen.
Monsieur, you must help me! Ettienne! If everyone comes out, how will you know when our duck is crispy? - This is the doctor from the radio.
- Ah, oui! You must talk to my husband.
He does not understand that these things happen.
Talk to this tramp! Do you believe my daughter? You should meet my sister.
- I wasn't pregnant when we got married! - I wish I had been killed in the war! It's hard to get killed when you run away! Silence! Silence! Both of you try to calm down.
I'll see what I can do.
Monsieur Degas, you are angry now.
That is a temporary emotion.
You are devastated because you think the bond between father and daughter is broken.
She is no longer your little girl.
But that's not possible.
That bond cannot be broken.
Not even by that young man in the corner who is obviously the father.
Come out! It's all right.
We need more water.
You? You can't even get water in a glass! How did you do this? Monsieur Degas, please.
Hold your daughter in your arms.
Tell her how you really feel.
Yvette Thank you, monsieur.
Thank you! You are a god! And you, mademoiselle, are very lucky.
I'm starting to realise that.
Just another evening out with Dr Frasier Crane.
- Hi, Roz.
- Hey.
Again, thank you.
It's OK.
You've thanked me every day for the last two weeks.
But if it hadn't been for you, I never would have met Madeline.
We went out again last night.
It's perfect between us! We talk, laugh Just stop.
Did it ever occur to you that, since I'm in a dating drought, to hear you prattling on about your storybook romance might be a bit irritating? No, it hadn't.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I can be so insensitive.
But Madeline's helping me with that.
She is so good.
- God! - Sorry.
I haven't felt this way since my divorce.
Everything seems so right! You know, I haven't said this out loud, but here goes.
She could be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.
Go.
Go do that! Get married.
Have a couple of kids.
Move to the country.
Buy a puppy.
Live happily ever after! Just don't tell me about it! I need a boyfriend.
Dear Roz.
Dear, silly Roz.
Dear, silly, horny Roz.
- Look! It's - That must be Madeline.
Madeline, hi! Hi, Roz, Madeline! Madeline, Roz! What a surprise to see you! I have a meeting with a buyer nearby in ten minutes and I wanted to talk to you.
Please, have a seat.
You know we both agreed we didn't want to rush into the physical part, that we'd save ourselves for the right moment.
It's now? No, actually.
I was wondering what you thought about us going away for the weekend, just the two of us.
Well, I'd miss my favourite shows, but sure.
I was thinking two, three days.
I was thinking more like a week.
OK, now for the really big question: when? Well, the minute we get there.
No.
Actually, I meant, when do we go? Oh, oh, yes.
Let's see.
Now, let's see, I am good for the week of the 16th.
The 16th No.
Sweeps week.
- How about the 23rd? - No.
No.
Trade show.
30th? - No.
- That puts us into the next month.
No.
No.
No.
The 20th? No.
We're both obviously too busy.
We'll do it another time.
- Yes, I - I've got to run.
- Let's go tomorrow! - You're on! - The perfect place is Bora Bora.
- Hubba hubba! - I'll arrange it! - I'll meet you at the airport! - Bye! - Bye.
Oh, Madeline Bye.
Hello.
You don't know me, but I saw your picture in "Seattle Magazine".
They don't write songs like that any more.
This is really what men do, isn't it, Dad? Yeah, this and some things outdoors, but we'll just stick to this.
These last few nights have been very pleasant, you and me sitting together, appreciating these fine cigars.
Who would have thought a Cuban peasant would bring a father and son together? Yes.
Must make that dime he gets for a day's work a lot more satisfying.
I'm going to miss these little sweethearts.
- Ooh, now, there's a talent! - I'll say! - Just how do you do that? - It's simple.
It's all in the tongue.
Just purse your lips and pucker up like a little goldfish.
That's it.
Just like that.
Very good.
Have you got it? - Niles, what are you doing? - I'm learning how to blow smoke.
Where? - I asked you to smoke on the balcony.
- It's cold.
All right.
Maybe an errant ash will flick off and ignite your chair.
What's the matter? Madeline and I are going to Bora Bora.
Why do bad things happen to good people? - When did this come about? - About an hour ago.
We got caught up in a moment of passion and now I'm going halfway around the world with a woman I hardly know.
It isn't like me.
I'm getting caught up in the romance.
I'm not sure about the psychological side, but it seems good to me.
But what if we hate each other and we're stuck together? That won't happen.
You'll come back even more in love.
Even worse! If it goes perfectly, we'll start talking about commitment and living together and marriage and Your trepidation is well founded.
You can move a relationship along too fast and marry too hastily and then find a few years down the line she isn't right for you.
Then what happens if you meet the right person? You can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale Maris.
Marriage.
I have to go now.
Did you feel a spark when you met this woman? - Like fireworks.
- Then go for it.
It doesn't happen often.
It's like when I met your mother at a crime scene.
Hester was a psychiatrist.
The department would have her run up a profile of a suspect.
The first time I met her was over the chalk outline of a murder victim.
One look at her hair silhouetted against the flashing blue light and I was a goner.
She drew a smile on the head of the outline and I drew eyes and soon we were laughing like kids.
You're a ghoul.
I was joking.
We couldn't draw on the outline.
They hadn't moved the body.
Your corpse-strewn romance notwithstanding, I still feel skittish about this.
Dr Crane, if you'd like a feminine point of view, just shut your bloody cakehole and go! You took a chance and called her, and you've been happy ever since.
- That is true.
- Yeah, so make another bold move.
- Yeah, go on! - You won't regret it.
- All right, I'll do it.
- Attaboy! That's terrific! I know you just want me out of the house for a week.
It will be sweet, won't it? Thank you.
This is gorgeous! I'm so glad you suggested it.
It's more beautiful than I remember.
The natives say that Bora Bora is the doorway to heaven.
This could be the doorway to heaven for us.
I'm glad you said that first.
I didn't want it to seem like our trip was just about sex, but who are we kidding? - I'm a little hot in these clothes.
- I'm sweating like a pig.
- I'll be right back.
- Oink.
Frasier.
- Oh, my God.
- Frasier? Oh, my God!