Home Improvement s02e08 Episode Script

Thank you.
Oh, nonsense.
Thank you very much.
And welcome once again to Tool Time I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You all know my assistant, Al "I'm Always Free on Saturday" Borland.
Boy, am I rewed up about today's show.
We've got a killer project coming up.
Not some wimpy project, but something every red-blooded kidney- stone-passing American male dreams of.
And what would that be, Tim? See! Even Al's excited about this one.
There is nothing like renovating a house top to bottom.
Oh, yeah.
That's why this week, today we begin our project house.
Oh, yeah.
Out with the old, in with the new.
Tear down the past, put up the future.
One of my better ideas.
I don't know how I keep thinking of this stuff, Al.
Perhaps from watching Bob Vila every week Anyway, let's take a look at these.
Here are some ideas that might give you ideas about putting your home back in shape.
Here's your typical '30s Craftsman home.
Oh, yeah, look at that.
And here's after a crafty redo.
Ohh look at that.
Here's your typical '50s bungalow.
Not so nice.
Here's a beautiful remodel on that.
Hey, yeah And here's a little shack I found.
And look what I did to it over the weekend without any help from Al.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Tim, this could be a little tricky, but once we demolish the kitchen counter in the project house, we'll have about three extra feet Al, Al, which tie do you like better? Red or blue? Are you listening to me? This is important.
Now, I'm saying we got about Why am I my even asking you? You think flannel is hip.
Excuse me.
I don't mean to disturb you.
You're Maureen, Mr.
Binford's daughter, right? - Very good memory, Al.
- Oh, I couldn't forget you.
At the Halloween party, you came dressed as a toggle switch.
Yeah, well I went for different.
I mean, how many years in a row can you show up as a hacksaw? - Al, I think I'm going with the blue.
- Tim, look who's here.
- It's Maureen Binford.
- Hey, Maureen.
Good to see you.
- How're you doing? - Tim, listen, I gotta tell you.
Your show just keeps getting better and better.
- Well, gee, thanks.
- You're welcome.
All that grunting and macho stuff.
The audience really responds even the women.
Every time you screw up, they laugh.
And believe me, they laugh a lot.
And then you have your expertise and your sex appeal with Al.
Maureen, what is it you need, besides glasses? Oh, thank you.
Actually, I was gonna ask you that since I'm your new producer.
Yeah Woah, back the truck up.
- Who made that decision? - Daddy.
Your dad would not make a decision like that without asking me, Maureen.
- He's been a bit preoccupied lately.
- With what? With the 23-year-old tool model he just married.
- Your dad got married? - To Miss Black & Decker.
And believe me, I'd like to.
- Your dad bagged Terry Louise Gardner? - You know who she is? Oh, yeah.
She's in the spring catalog - page 141.
- And most of 142, yeah.
- Pretty amazing stuff.
Well, we get the catalog.
So we have to look through it, because of re research.
I understand.
- Well, you know, the tools come in - Well, yeah, the tools come in every day Maureen, it was good to see you here, you know.
Why don't you give her some Tool Time hats? - Hats.
- See you later.
Oh, no, no, no I'm gonna be here a lot.
Did I forget to mention? Producer! Are you serious? Is this your dad's way of telling me I'm not doing my job? Oh, no.
He thinks you're doing a great job.
And so do I.
I'm missing something here, you know.
We don't need a producer.
- I run this show.
- Well, that was before.
But now Daddy made me producer.
And so now I'll be running the show.
Well, there's some extra offices right down Shut up, Al! I don't want to give you the impression I don't appreciate you coming down, because I really do.
But Tool Time really runs pretty smoothly the way it is now.
So if you came down here and you had nothing to do, we'd have no reason to have Al.
You're so funny.
You see, that's what I'm saying.
We are a winning combo.
And I know I can make our show better.
- "Our" show? - Yeah.
Like with the project house.
You know, your patio idea is OK.
But let's say we open it up.
- Ah - All right We add a few French doors for light.
Voila, we've got ourselves a breakfast nook.
Are you crazy? This is Tool Time Men don't eat in a nook.
You never ever hear 300-pound construction workers going, "Charlie, John, stop by the house.
I just made fresh muffins.
" "We'll eat it in the nook.
" - Well, a muffin in a nook would be cozy.
- Shut up, Al.
We already have all the materials bought for this project presently.
You just can't change the blueprints on a whim.
Oh, now don't be such a gloomy Gus.
It's never too late.
Just think about it.
Toodles.
Who the hell does she think she is, waltzing in here and trying to take over the show? I'm calling Binford.
Once I tell him what I think on the phone, he'll fly back tonight.
Tim, Tim take another look at page 141 and 2.
He's not coming back.
Mom, we're starving.
Tell us where you hid the cookies.
Mom, come on.
We're not having dinner for an hour.
What are you eating, Mom? Nothing.
- Hey, that was a Hoop-Dee-Ho.
- Was not.
- Let me smell your breath.
- Hey! There will be no breath smelling.
You're so desperate for a snack, go get some raisins.
Right.
Then we can have some salad and a multivitamin.
Come on, guys.
We need to find those Hoop-Dee-Hos.
Mark, check the dryer.
Randy, the bookshelf.
No, you doof.
That's where she hid them the last time.
Well, then, check the TV cabinet.
Hey, come on.
Don't wreck the house.
Yes, I think I could do that.
Uh-huh.
All I found in the dryer was some lint.
Yeah, well, thank you so much.
Bye.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Guess what! I got a job.
I got a job at Inside Detroit magazine.
Yes! All right! - Good job.
Way to go, Mom! - Way to go, Mom.
Yeah, I start tomorrow! All right, she's not gonna be home after school.
- Freedom.
- Yes! - I heard that.
- Huh? I'm only gonna be gone a week, and I will know everything you do, everywhere you go and everything you think.
Let's go upstairs and look for the cookies.
Mark, isn't it exciting? Mommy's gonna go work at a magazine.
Who's gonna take care of us? Honey, Mommy and Daddy are still gonna take care of you.
Why do you have to go to work? - Because I think it'll be fun.
- Don't you have fun at home? Sure I do.
But, you know, sometimes you gotta go outside the house and have a different kind of fun.
You know, like, um, what you get to do when you go to school.
I have fun at recess.
Right.
Mommy getting out of the house and going to work is exactly like recess.
Mark, get up here! We need you to crawl into the attic! OK! There are no Hoop-Dee-Hos in the attic! - Oh, hi, honey.
- Man, what a day.
I have great news.
- Wait'll I tell you what Binford did.
- No, no, no.
My news first.
Guess what.
Remember that interview that Karen set up for me at Inside Detroit magazine? - No.
- Oh, yes, you do.
Yes, you do, yes, you do.
The researchers job.
They loved me, they loved my résumé.
I got the job.
- Hey, that's great.
- It's only a temporary thing, you know.
I'm just gonna work for a week.
But I have to be there tomorrow at 8:30.
- Tomorrow? - Yeah, yeah.
So I need you to get the boys off to school.
I gotta be at the project house first thing in the morning.
Well, I have to be at the office.
I have to be at the office.
Can't you tell them you're gonna be late? No, no way.
I can't do that.
It's my first day of work.
Honey, if you show up whenever they want, they'll start taking advantage of you.
Listen, Tim, I have a million things that I have to do, you know.
- Jill, you don't understand.
- I have to go to the dry cleaners and get my jacket.
- Hold it a minute.
Jill - Then I have to go to the grocery store - Binford ran off with page 142.
Oh, and I gotta go by Karen's and get a briefcase 'cause I don't have one and I want to look professional.
- Toodles is taking over Tool Time You have to cook dinner tonight.
I'm really sorry.
But there's a chicken in there.
It's only gonna take an hour and a half.
- Toodles.
- You got the potatoes and the vegetables.
Oh, oh, I'm gonna make the boys' school lunches tonight before I go to bed.
I'll see you later.
Bye-bye.
Bye, hon.
It's been the worst day of my life.
Thanks for listening.
Dad, how come you didn't make your famous chocolate-chip pancakes? Because I didn't have time to make 'em.
Just eat your cereal, will ya? Well, Mom usually slices up bananas.
Why don't you? Because I don't love you as much as Mom does.
OK, boys.
Are you ready for school? - Yeah.
- Yeah, whatever.
All right now.
Mark, Mrs.
Johnson is gonna take you to Cub Scouts.
Please don't leave your hat at school again, OK? Brad, you're going home with Billy after football practice.
Randy, your dad's gonna pick you up after detention.
Oh, you don't have any bananas! Here, let me slice some up for you.
Come here.
Thanks, Mom.
This is so weird, you know.
I mean, I get to go to work and everything, but I don't get to be here when you kids get home from school.
I keep thinking of that first day that I walked you to kindergarten, Brad.
You know, you went up those stairs and turned around waved your little chubby hand and said, "B'bye, Mommy.
" "B'bye, Mommy.
" - Oh, come on.
Stop, stop.
- I could walk you to work, Mommy.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Jill, come on, get going.
You're gonna be late.
Come on, come on.
- Bye, bye.
Bye-bye.
- Bye, Mom.
- Good luck, honey.
- Good luck at the project house.
I love this.
I'm wishing you luck.
You're wishing me luck.
- Go, go, go.
- Whoo-hoo! OK! - Bye, Mom.
- Bye-bye! - Have fun.
- Oh, hi, Al.
Bye.
Hey, kids, the bus is here! The bus is here.
Come on, bus, bus.
Go, get your lunches.
Come on.
Get your backpacks.
- Have fun at detention, son.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Bye, boys.
- Bye, Al.
- Are you ready, Tim? - Hey, Al.
Good to see you.
I want to get going in a hurry.
I want to get to the project house before Maureen gets there.
- She's already there.
- You're kidding.
Well, when I drove by, she was showing the crew where the breakfast nook will be.
What? I told her no breakfast nook! I know.
But I just think maybe you should give Mo a chance.
Mo? A little nickname now? What are you called? Aaa? - Mo has some very good ideas.
- Oh, has Mo? Well, yes.
You know, yesterday when we were having coffee together Having coffee together? Al, what has turned you against me all of a sudden? Haven't I always treated you like a brother? - No.
- A good friend.
Good? Well, Al, I'm your boss.
I gotta keep a professional distance from you.
- All I'm saying is that - What the hell do you have on? Well, Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
You're supposed to blend into the background.
Well, if you don't like the shirt, Tim, fine.
I'm not forcing you to wear one.
Well, good, because now we won't be mistaken for the Beach Boys.
So the parrot says, "Forget the cracker.
I want a lawyer!" - Hey, Tim.
Hi.
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.
What's with the French doors? I thought we decided there'd be no nook.
Nook-free.
No nook.
Nookless.
- All right.
We'll talk about it later.
- No, Maureen.
I think I wanna talk about it right now.
This is my project house, my show and my crew.
- Light cream, no sugar? - You remembered.
Al, do you mind? All right, everybody, let's get started.
I need you to bring that camera right over here, and I want to get a nice shot of the front porch.
Leave the camera right where it is.
We're gonna do this shot with me on the roof.
Tim, Tim, Tim, not a good idea.
Mo, let's get something straight here.
This is Tool Time It's a man's show, dangerous, kind of devil-may-care.
We'll do the shot with me up on the roof.
OK.
- The roof is unsafe.
- Now you're an expert on roofs, Maureen? Well, no, not really, but I've been inside, and I do know that those one-by-fours are too far apart.
Take a look at that sheathing.
There's rot everywhere.
Maureen, I think I can tell the difference between a safe and an unsafe roof.
Al, you following me up here? I don't think so, Tim.
Oh, fine.
- This sun is really drying my skin out.
- You know, I have some moisturizer.
Shut up, Al! Is there anything I can do for you down here, Tim? Yeah, why don't you get your ukulele? You can start the luau.
All right, everybody.
Let's roll! Hi.
Welcome to Tool Time As you can see, our 1955 ranch home needs a lot of work, especially the roof.
Now, you wanna have a professional examine any weak or discolored areas like these, and make sure they're properly attended to.
For now, we'll just hop over these to a safer area.
It's a little weak here.
You wanna avoid this area, too.
Aah! Hey, Wilson.
What are you doing? I'm gathering herbs.
A warm bath of eucalyptus and rosemary can be quite invigorating.
Sounds very aromatic, yeah.
I had a really bad day.
Maybe I should try some of that.
Darn good idea.
Well, I'll see ya.
Hold it, Wilson.
I gotta ask you something.
Well, maybe we can do this tomorrow, Tim? No, no.
I need to ask you right now.
Um It seems like everything in my life is up in the air.
- Everything's changing.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, there's this woman that came into Tool Time - She's trying to take it over.
- Mm-hmm.
And Well, I've made Tool Time a success, you know, over three years.
And I don't think it needs any change.
Well, Tim sometimes change can be a good thing.
- Good night.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wilson? Yeah, sure.
I'll be right there.
Bye.
- Hey, Brad, can I talk to you for a minute? - Sorry, Dad.
- I told Jennifer I'd be right there.
- Oh.
Hey, buddy, Mark.
I need to talk to somebody.
You can always talk to me.
Good.
Come sit down here for a minute.
Come here.
I'm gonna try to work this out, OK? Let's say you got this business.
Uh, bubblegum factories.
Somebody comes in and tries - Do I have cherry bubblegum? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Probably racks of the best they have.
Of course, a lot of that cherry bubblegum.
- Anyway, so - Do I have baseball cards? Yeah, you got baseball cards.
You've got a little assistant with a little beard.
Whatever you want.
You got everything.
Anyway, so you got this bubblegum factory - cherry bubblegum and the baseball stuff - and this girl comes in, tries to run things.
You know, you've been running it for quite a while and made a big success out of it.
But this little red-headed little you know, little nice little girl, she comes in and takes over.
What do you do? I tell Mommy.
But Mommy's not home, is she? And so the girl takes over your bubblegum factory.
- You know, it's just the way life is, Mark.
- Yeah.
Can I go play now? Yeah, go play.
I'll fix dinner.
Hi, honey.
Oh, Tim! I am so good.
I had the best first day.
I mean, I didn't get lost.
I didn't screw anything up.
Not one person yelled at me.
And get this, get this.
Look at this.
Check it out.
My own electronic security card.
I mean, I think I may even hold on to this job longer than a week.
You know, this is great.
I'm so proud of you, hon.
What's the matter with you? You're limping.
- I fell through a roof.
- What? Yeah, right through the subfloor.
Luckily the basement broke my fall.
Oh, honey, are you all right? - Yeah, my leg's OK.
- It's my life that's wrecked.
- What do you mean? - Everything seems to be changing for me.
You went to work.
Wilson's taking a bath.
Al looks like Don Ho.
Now, wait a minute.
What are you talking about? I told you this yesterday.
Binford went and got married to a model and left the whole Tool Time thing in charge of his daughter Maureen.
So, she's got Mm.
She's got everybody working against me - Al, the crew.
This woman's trying to take over Tool Time Well, she can't do that.
I mean, you spent the last three years making Tool Time a success.
- That's right.
You're the only reason anybody watches that show.
That's right.
- Well, who the hell does she think she is? - Maureen Binford.
Wait a minute.
Is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed like a hacksaw? - Hacksaw, yeah.
Little red-headed thing, about this big? Yeah.
I can take her.
- Jill.
- I've got 40 pounds on her.
I'm gonna hunt her down.
- Honey.
- Hey! She messes with you, she messes with me.
I Maybe I'm wrong, but I think we're overreacting.
I don't think you gotta hurt the woman.
You think so? But the fact that you think like this makes me feel a lot better.
- Really? - Really.
You know, Lefty, you're one great broad.
You're not such a bad mug yourself, you big palooka.
- You know, I got a better idea.
- What? I think I can outsmart her.
Use my brain.
Aw, come on.
Let me beat her up.
Tim.
Tim.
I think you're being a gloomy gus again.
Is that what you think, Al? I just think Maureen is trying to make this show better.
Really? Is this what you call better? What's next? Grass skirts, hula hoops? Roller skates, dollhouses? - Well, whatever the boss wants.
- She's not the boss.
I'll tell you something else.
I think I outsmarted her.
We won't be seeing her for about a week 'cause I sent her on this promotional buy.
She's gonna sell our sweatshirts, T- shirts, pins, that sort of stuff.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, boss.
- How are my two stars? - We're fine.
- Tim, I'm leaving for Chicago.
- Really? Yeah, I went with your concept, and I'm gonna be pushing our sweatshirt line at the hardware show.
- I'm gonna be gone about a week.
- We're gonna miss you.
- Thanks.
- Toodles.
Oh, listen, I almost forgot.
- Here are a couple of samples.
- Oh, good.
Thanks.
- Bye.
- Bye.
She bit on the bait just like a dumb bass.
She won't be around here for a week.
And now you tell me who's boss here at Tool Time.
buddy.
- Good luck, honey.
- Good luck.
Oh, I can't believe it.
I'm wishing you luck, you're wishing me luck.
- Go on, you're late.
Go, go.
- Bye, Mom.
- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye.
Hi, Al.
Bye, Al.
Come on.
Let's go.
The bus is here.
Go, go, go, go.
- Ready, Tim? - Yeah, I am.
I just gotta get those, uh Just gotta get there before Maureen gets there.
- Here, you take these, Tex.
- OK.
Thank you.
Moving on Hey! Thank you!