Roseanne s02e08 Episode Script

D.
J.
: I'M MAKING.
WELL, MAKE IT FAST.
I WANT TO TAKE A BATH.
FORGET IT.
IT'S OCCUPIED.
I NEED TO REPLACE A COUPLE WASHERS.
DAN, THIS HAS BEEN THE HARDEST WEEK OF MY LIFE.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE A BATH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH USING YOUR BATHROOM? I CAN'T USE MY BATHROOM.
MY BATHROOM HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY BECKY.
MAYBE I SHOULD COME BACK LATER, MRS.
CONNER.
NO.
GO AHEAD AND DO IT NOW.
BUT AS SOON AS YOU'RE DONE, I'M GOING IN THERE AND PUTTING UP THE "DO NOT DISTURB" SIGN, WHICH MEANS IF THE DOORBELL RINGS, YOU ANSWER IT.
IF THE PHONE RINGS, YOU TAKE A MESSAGE.
IF THE HOUSE BURNS DOWN, YOU GET THE KIDS OUT.
IT'S ALL YOURS, BABY.
HAVE THAT BURNED.
YES, MADAM.
YOUR BATH'S ALMOST READY, MADAM.
JUST AS YOU LIKE IT.
THANKS, FELLAS.
OH, LOOK, A SINK WITH A STOPPER THAT ACTUALLY WORKS.
AND YOU CAN COOL IT WITH THAT "MADAM" STUFF.
THE NAME'S ROSEANNE.
OH, NOT NOW, ZEKE.
Man's soothing voice: NUMBERS HAVE NO MEANING.
YOU LOOK GREAT AND HAVE A TERRIFIC PERSONALITY.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU BECAUSE-- YEAH, YEAH.
YOUR BATH IS DRAWN, I SHUT OFF THE PHONES, AND JAKE'S BOLTED THE DOOR.
OH, ZEKE, YOU'RE SUCH A MENSCH.
HI, SIS.
JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST SOAKING.
THIS TUB IS TERRIFIC, ROSEANNE.
DO I HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH YOU? NO, I'M DONE.
IT'S ALL YOURS.
THANKS, BOYS.
I WANTED A FRESH BATH.
THAT'S JACKIE WATER.
ROSEANNE, WE CAN REFILL IT IN NO TIME.
HOW ABOUT A PEDICURE WHILE YOU WAIT? OH, ALL RIGHT.
I SEE YOU WORKED AT WELLMAN? OH, YOU POOR THING.
OOH, PAMPER ME, ZEKE.
[TOY GUN ZAPS.]
INVASION FROM ZYKON, INVASION FROM ZYKON.
I'M TAKING YOU PRISONER.
HOW'D HE GET IN HERE? SILENCE, EARTHLING.
[ZAP ZAP.]
JAKE, HAND ME MY STAR-SHOOTER.
[ZAP ZAP.]
I WARNED YOU ABOUT DISTURBING ME WHILE I'M IN MY BATHROOM.
GREAT SHOT.
SIT DOWN AND TRY TO RELAX.
YOU TRY AND RELAX WITH 3 KIDS.
WELL, 2.
JUST BREATHE.
SOMETHING'S BURNING.
HEY, BIG RED.
DARLENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING BURNING YOUR REPORT CARD IN MY BATHROOM? WHY AIN'T YOU IN SCHOOL? I DIDN'T LIKE THE CURRICULUM.
TAKE HER OVER AND STRAP HER IN THAT DESK.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT DISTURBING ME WHEN I'M TRYING TO RELAX.
WATCH IT, STUDS.
SORRY, DARLENE, BUT IT'S DEATH BY POP QUIZ.
AAH! THAT'S HER.
NOW BLOW HER AWAY.
QUESTION NUMBER ONE-- WHAT COUNTRY LIES BETWEEN RUSSIA AND AFGHANISTAN? DETROIT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE SENTENCE, "FRED AND ME ARE GOING TO THE MOVIES.
" YOU'RE TOO UGLY TO GET A DATE? SPELL SYMBIOSIS! WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF ARGENTINA? IF JOHNNY HAS 4 APPLES AND IS TRAVELING AT A SPEED OF 40 MILES AN HOUR AND HAS TO BE IN FLORIDA BY WEDNESDAY, WHAT TIME SHOULD HE LEAVE? I'M MELTING.
I'M MELTING! DETROIT.
WHAT A DORK.
IS MY BATH READY YET? JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES, ROSEANNE.
MAYBE I'LL PLUCK MY EYEBROWS.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO.]
BECKY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LOOK AT THIS MESS! OH, MOTHER.
AND TURN DOWN THAT GODAWFUL MUSIC.
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.
I CAME IN HERE TO RELAX.
I'LL BE DONE IN 20 MINUTES.
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY BEST BATH TOWELS! SO, YOU CAN WASH THEM.
I'M BLEACHING A PAIR OF JEANS IN THE TUB.
WHAT? IT WON'T TAKE LONG.
THE TUB WAS ALREADY FILLED.
BECKY! THAT WAS MY BATH! OHH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.
I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT WITH JIMMY.
I WONDER WHAT JIMMY WOULD THINK IF HE HAPPENED TO SHOW UP HERE EARLY AND CATCH YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I'D PROBABLY DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT.
PRECISELY MY POINT.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS LOUDER.]
AAH! AND SHE SAYS I NEVER LET HER HAVE ANY FRIENDS OVER.
IT'S GOING TO TAKE JUST ANOTHER MINUTE.
MR.
CONNER TURNED OFF THE WATER.
HE WHAT? DAN! [THUD.]
OOH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ONE OF THESE PIPES SPRUNG A LEAK.
I WAS TRYING TO FIX IT.
FIX IT TOMORROW.
I WANT PRIVACY.
WHAT ABOUT THE PEC TWINS? PRIVACY WITH THEM.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.
DEAL.
WHAT? I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL YOU.
TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, TONIGHT'S REALLY BAD.
THE BEARS ARE ON TV AND EVERYTHING.
SAY! IS THAT CREAMED CORN I SMELL? ABOUT 10,000 GALLONS OF IT.
NOW HOP IN.
HEY, BOYS, KEEP THOSE COALS NICE AND HOT.
WAIT.
HAVE YOU FELLOWS EVER CONSIDERED USING PROPANE? WE LIKE COALS.
BUT PROPANE'S A LOT CLEANER-BURNING-- DAN.
SORRY, BABE.
GET IN.
[LAUGHS.]
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
I'VE BEEN COOKING ALL DAY.
OW, OW, OW, OW.
OW, OW, OW, OW.
NO, THANKS.
OW, OW.
WHOA! WELL, I THINK I'LL LET THIS POT SET UNTIL MORNING.
OILS AND FINE FRAGRANCES FROM AROUND THE WORLD.
AIN'T YOU GOT NO CALGON? ALWAYS.
OH, CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY.
YOUR ROBE? [POUNDING ON DOOR.]
MRS.
CONNER? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SIS? OFFICER JACKIE.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR HUSBAND AND 3 CHILDREN.
CUFF HER, FELLOWS.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER EXERCISE.
HEY, AREN'T THOSE MY EARRINGS? YEAH.
THEY'RE NICE.
I BORROWED THEM.
ANYTHING YOU SAY IS USUALLY SARCASTIC AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU.
AM I EVER GONNA GET 'EM BACK? NO.
AND SINCE YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY BECAUSE YOU QUIT YOUR JOB, ONE WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW I'M NOT A BRACELET PERSON.
CAN'T YOU TAKE THESE OFF? YOU KILLED 4 PEOPLE, ROSEANNE.
OH, THAT'S JUST LIKE YOU TO THROW THAT AT ME, ISN'T IT? WHEN IS MY TRIAL? RIGHT NOW.
COUNSELOR, YOU MAY BEGIN.
YOUR HONOR, THE PROSECUTION WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN BY CALLING AS ITS FIRST WITNESS MISS DARLENE CONNER.
OBJECTION! YOU CAN'T CALL SOMEBODY UP THERE THAT I MURDERED.
ALLEGEDLY MURDERED, YOUR HONOR.
OBJECTION OVERRULED.
YOU MAY CONTINUE.
MISS CONNOR, DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD? YEAH, RIGHT.
HI, DAD.
HI, PUNKIN.
AM I IN TROUBLE? NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
ALL YOU NEED FOR YOU TO DO IS TO TELL THESE NICE PEOPLE OVER HERE JUST WHAT IT WAS THAT YOUR MOM DID TO YOU THE OTHER DAY.
SHE MURDERED ME.
ALLEGEDLY.
MISS CONNER DO YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG? YEAH.
RIGHT IS DOING SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT.
WRONG IS WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG AND YOU DO GET CAUGHT.
I MOVE THAT THIS WITNESS BE DISMISSED ON THE GROUNDS THAT SHE'S A PUNK.
BEAT IT.
YOUR HONOR, WE WOULD LIKE TO CALL MISS BECKY CONNER.
I GOT ONE EXTRA CHEESE, ONE MUSHROOM.
WE GOTTA MOVE IT.
I'M DOUBLE PARKED.
WHERE'S MY SODAS? YOU ORDERED SODAS? YOU MUST HAVE TALKED TO TONY.
I AIN'T GOT NO SODAS.
SO ARREST ME.
TAKE HER AWAY! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ORDER! ORDER! THE PROSECUTION WOULD LIKE TO CALL MISS BECKY CONNER.
BAILIFF, THIS WON'T BE NECESSARY.
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS BECKY ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH.
I OBJECT! SHUT UP.
HEY, NOBODY CAN TALK TO MY KIDS LIKE THAT EXCEPT ME.
SHUT UP! SUSTAINED.
HI, DADDY.
HIYA, PRINCESS.
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID, MOM, BUT I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOR IT.
BECAUSE THAT'S THE AMERICAN JUDICIAL SYSTEM.
DEMOCRACY ITSELF IS AT STAKE IF WE LET PEOPLE GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
YOU KNOW, BECKY YOU SAY THAT YOUR MOM KILLED YOU, BUT ALL SHE REALLY DID WAS CAUSE YOU A LITTLE PAIN AND EMBARRASSMENT.
Courtroom: OOH! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU'VE CAUSED YOUR MOTHER? YOU'RE THINKING OF DARLENE.
I'VE NEVER CAUSED MY MOTHER PAIN.
YOUR HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT THIS TAPE MADE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM OF LANFORD GENERAL HOSPITAL ON THE NIGHT OF MARCH 15, 1975.
Dan: PUSH! Roseanne: AAHH! PUSH, HONEY! AAAHH! YOU CAN DO IT! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU, DAN! YOU'RE NEVER GETTING NEAR ME AGAIN, AND I MEAN IT! YOU DID THAT, BECKY.
YOUR MOTHER WAS TRYING TO GIVE YOU LIFE, AND ALL YOU GAVE HER WAS EXCRUCIATING AGONY.
I APOLOGIZE, MOM, AND I FORGIVE YOU.
I FORGIVE YOU, TOO, MOTHER.
SIT DOWN, OR I'LL THROW THE BOOK AT YOU! YOU SHOULDN'T BE THROWING BOOKS.
THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD WHO DON'T EVEN HAVE BOOKS.
OH, REALLY? DON'T YOU BE THROWING STUFF AT MY KID.
THE PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO CALL CRYSTAL ANDERSON.
WOULD YOU LIKE MEATBALL OR DOUBLE CHEESE? DOUBLE CHEESE.
YOU LOOK GREAT, CRYSTAL.
FLATTERY WON'T GET YOU ANYWHERE, MURDERER.
YOUR HONOR, ROSEANNE HAD THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD, AND WHAT SHE DID IS UNFORGIVABLE.
OH, CRYSTAL, YOU JUST HAVE THE HOTS FOR DAN AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
LET'S CUT THE CRAP HERE.
WE ALL KNOW ROSEANNE AND WHAT SHE'S LIKE.
SHE'S LOUD, SHE'S BOSSY, AND TALKS WITH HER MOUTH FULL.
SHE CURSES AT PEOPLE WHEN SHE DRIVES.
SHE FEEDS HER CHILDREN FROZEN FISH STICKS AND HIGH-CALORIE SODAS.
AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE PROPER GROOMING HABITS.
MOST IMPORTANT, YOUR HONOR, SHE'S MARRIED TO THE GREATEST MAN A WOMAN COULD EVER WANT, AND SHE DON'T APPRECIATE HIM! AHEM.
CRYSTAL.
DAN CONNER IS TENDER, KIND, LOVING, LOYAL, STRONG, MASCULINE, SEXY, AND VIRILE.
AND I MEAN, WHEN YOU SEE HIM ON A SUMMER DAY, AND HIS HAIR'S SWEATY AROUND THE EDGES AND THE REST OF IT'S FLUFFED UP AND GOLDEN FROM THE SUN, AND HIS SHIRT IS CLINGING TO HIM FROM SWEAT BECAUSE HE'S BEEN WORKING SO HARD-- WELL, HE'S ABOUT THE SEXIEST MAN I'VE SEEN.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.
DAN, I LOVE YOU.
YOUR HONOR, I SAY HANG THE BITCH.
YOU KNOW, CRYSTAL, THE ONLY REASON I'M YOUR FRIEND IS JUST BECAUSE I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
YOU HAD 3 MEN IN YOUR LIFE AND LOST THEM ALL.
AND I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY IS TO TREAT HIM LIKE DIRT SOMETIMES! MEN DO NOT LIKE WIMPY LITTLE CREAM PUFFS! SHE'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I'M RIGHT.
THE ONLY REASON I SAY THOSE AWFUL, HURTFUL THINGS TO YOU IS THE SAME REASON I SAY THEM TO DAN AND MY KIDS-- IT'S OUT OF LOVE! MA'AM, YOU CAN STEP DOWN NOW.
I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS HAVE SETTLED YOUR DIFFERENCES, BUT WE STILL HAVE DO YOU REALIZE THE SERIOUSNESS OF THIS CHARGE? YOU COULD GET FROM 25 YEARS TO LIFE.
I GOT Courtroom: OOH! WISECRACKS WON'T SAVE YOU THIS TIME.
IT WASN'T A WISECRACK.
I WANTED THAT'S WHY I MARRIED HIM.
I LOVE HIM.
IF YOU LOVED HIM, WHY DID YOU KILL HIM AND YOUR 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN? YOUR HONOR, ALL I WANTED WAS 10 MINUTES ALONE IN MY OWN BATHROOM! YOUR HONOR, IN LIGHT OF THE FACT THAT THESE ARE HIGHLY UNORTHODOX PROCEEDINGS, I MYSELF WOULD LIKE TO TESTIFY ON ROSEANNE'S BEHALF.
FOR WHAT PURPOSE? WHY, AS A CHARACTER WITNESS, YOUR HONOR.
ALL RIGHT, MR.
CONNER.
TELL THE COURT YOUR FEELINGS IN THIS MATTER.
WELL, THE TRUTH IS, YOUR HONOR, IT GOESA LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
[SNAP.]
THANKS, DREWSKY.
[PIANO.]
HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT THIS LADY HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT ROSEANNE FREQUENTLY MY FEELINGS ARE CONFUSED WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR CONTRADICTORY WHICH IS NOT AT ALL ABNORMAL WITH A WOMAN AND A MAN FREQUENTLY I'M NUTS ABOUT THIS LADY FREQUENTLY I'M CUCKOO FOR ROSEANNE BUT WHENEVER SHE STARTS IN WITH HER COMPLAINING WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR HOCKING ME THEN, MAN, I MEAN WHO NEEDS IT LET HER FIND ANOTHER MAN I KNOW HOW I FEEL AND IT AIN'T GOOD YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT YOU GET THE PICTURE BUT WHEN THE MOOON IS IN ITS TROPICAL SPLENDOR WHEN THE NATIVE RHYTHMS HUM SOFTLY THROUGH THE TREES IT'S THEN I HAVE NO DOUBT I LOVE HER MY GOD, HOW I LOVE HER FOR ALL ETERNITY ROSEANNE HE LOVES HER OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA HE LOVES HER THIS IS NOT A JOKAHOMA WE LOVE HER ALL OF LANFORD, ILLINOIS EVERYBODY LOVES HER SHE'S WONDERFUL YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT WE LOVE HER MORE THAN IT'S POSSIBLE TO LOVE SO WHEN THE MOON IS HIGH WE LOVE HER MY GOD, HOW WE LOVE HER IN A WAY THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL AND WE'RE SELLING HER AS HARD AS WE CAN SELL 'CAUSE IF YOU CONVICT HER SHE WILL GO TO HELL WE LOVE ROSEANNE SHE'S THE ONE OUT OF THE MANY R-O-S-E-A-N-N-E BODY KNOWS SHE'LL NEVER WALK ALONE YOUR HONOR, MY MOTHER'S ONLY HAPPILY MARRIED FRIEND-- VONDA! [STRIPPER MUSIC.]
AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' THAT'S WHAT WE'VE SHOWN ALL THAT SHE WANTS IS 10 MINUTES IN THE TUB ALONE THAT AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' IT'S JUST THE WAY SOME PEOPLE R-O-S-E-A-N-N-E ETERNALLY GRATEFUL WE'LL BE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SET HER FREE WE LOVE ROSEANNE THAT IS A GREAT NUMBER! GUILTY.
Courtroom: OH! WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE RENDERED MY VERDICT! BUT I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO RENDER.
YOUR HONOR, I DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO RENDER ON MY OWN BEHALF.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SING, ROSEANNE.
I CAN'T SING? I CAN'T SING? YOUR HONOR, YOU MUST BE JOKING.
[PIANO.]
FREQUENTLY I'M NUTS ABOUT MY CHILDREN FREQUENTLY I LOVE MY HUSBAND DAN BUT WHEN I GET OVERBUROVERBURDENEDERED AND I NEED A LITTLE WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR EMOTIONAL REJUVENESCENCE.
SHUT UP.
I JUST NEED ABOUT 10 MINUTES WITH NO CLAMOR FROM MY CLAN LET 'EM LEAVE ME ALONE I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYBODY WHY DON'T THEY JUST GIVE ME A BREAK LET 'EM ALL EAT CAKE GET ME UP! SO WHEN I SEEK WHEN I SEEK A TUB FULL OF SILENCE A TUB FULL OF SILENCE WHEN I REALLY NEED TO SOAK MY TROUBLES AWAY SOAK MY TROUBLES AWAY THAT'S WHEN THEY COME RIGHT IN AND BUG ME OH, THEY BUG ME EMOTIONALLY SLUG ME OH, THEY SLUG ME ALL I GET IS WHERE'S MY SHIRT ROSEANNE A LOAD OF LAUNDRY DA DA A LOAD OF MOPPIN' DA DA A LOAD OF WORKIN' DA DA A LOAD OF SHOPPIN' DA DA DO IT PLEASE, DO IT NOW PLEASE, NOW DO IT, MOM, DO IT, ROSE MOM, ROSE DO IT RIGHT, DO IT GOOD RIGHT, GOOD DO IT FAST DO IT FAST, DO IT FAST EVERYONE'S COMING AT ROSIE AND ROSIE KEEPS COMING IN LAST R-O-S-E-A-N-N-E ETERNALLY GRATEFUL WE'LL BE PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, SET HER FREE WE LOVE ROSEANNE NOT ONLY ARE YOU GUILTY, BUT I HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT.
GET ME DOWN! [POUNDS GAVEL.]
[POUNDS HAMMER.]
ARE YOU FINISHED IN THE BATHROOM YET, MOM? ALL DONE WITH THEM WASHERS, BABE.
MOM, I FINISHED MY HOMEWORK, BUT I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT IT.
MOM, WILL YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH? OH, NO.
YOU'RE ALL ALIVE.
WHAT? I JUST HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM.
YOU WERE IN IT AND YOU WERE IN IT AND YOU WERE IN IT.
YOU ALL WERE IN IT.
THE POINT IS, DOROTHY, YOU'RE BACK IN KANSAS NOW.
YEAH.
I SURE AM.
AND THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.
YEAH? BULL.
WE LOVE ROSEANNE CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL OFFICER JACKIE.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR HUSBAND AND 3 CHILDREN.
CUFF HER, FELLAS.
CUFF HER, FELLAS.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR HUSBAND AND 3 CHILDREN.
CUFF HER, FELLAS.
CUFF HER, FELLAS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
WHO IS IT?! MRS.
CONNER WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE, SIS? OFFICER JACKIE.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF YOUR HUSBAND AND 3 CHILDREN.
CUFF HER, FELLAS.
[CUFFS CLATTER ON FLOOR.]
I'M DONE.
I'M GOIN' HOME.
GOOD NIGHT, FOLKS.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LET HER FREE WE LOVE ROSEANNE