Rules of Engagement s02e08 Episode Script

Hey, where's Audrey? Oh, hey.
She had to take a phone call.
So how are things? Good.
How are things with you? Oh, well, my mom's been calling a lot, and she keeps threatening to visit but she never pulls the trigger, and even if she did visit, it would be the three of us sharing the one bathroom, and that would be awkward, and so you know- So things are good, right? Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey.
I couldn't get off the phone with Sheila.
She just kept talking and talking.
Oh, boy, I know how that goes.
She's great, but all she talks about is how she can't find a guy.
She's always coming into my office saying, "You're so lucky to be married, you're so lucky to have Jeff.
" I keep telling her, I'm not that lucky.
Thanks, hon.
Sorry, I'm just saying it's not perfect.
I tell her you never clean up after yourself.
You cut your toenails in bed.
I find chest hair everywhere.
I'm hoping it's chest hair.
You keep hoping.
I don't wanna burst that bubble.
Anyway, I tell her all of that, and still she wants a guy.
Oh.
I know a guy.
Let's fix 'em up.
That's a great idea.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
Why are you always such a jerk about fix-ups? Because every time you do one it goes sour, then you get upset, and then you get mad at me because I say, "I told you so.
" Why don't you just not say "I told you so?" Because that's the only part of the whole thing that I enjoy.
* How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * So Chloe and I wind up trying every position that harness could handle.
Until the sun came up.
Heh-ha-ha.
And to answer your question, no, Jen, I do not know what time it is.
Well, I can't wait to meet her after I've had my shots.
Oh, hey, uh, let's play Why-Would-Chloe-Be-Attracted- To-Russell.
Oh, I'll take, uh, "Getting back at Daddy.
" Um, I'll take "Too drunk to walk.
" You guys are mean.
But Adam nailed it.
You know, despite all my saucy talk, I really like Chloe.
She's very sweet, she could be a keeper.
Hey, what's up? Ah! You're kidding.
Are you kidding? You're kidding.
Oh, that's great.
We got tickets to see The Golden Staircase on Broadway.
Oh, God, let her be kidding.
Wow.
I'll call you later.
Bye.
That is the hottest musical in town.
We are so lucky.
Yeah, lucky, lucky, lucky us.
Hey, hey.
Do you guys know that girl who just got on the elevator? Uh, girl? What? No, I-I didn't notice any girl.
You don't have to pretend you don't see other women.
Okay.
Uh, honey-blond hair, sky-blue eyes, full, pouty lips.
What, you didn't get her bra size? No, she wasn't wearing one.
She's an angel.
I saw her eyes, we had some sort of connection.
Does she live in this building? I've seen her around, I think she might.
What do you care? You have Chloe.
I know, but that one's better.
And since we can buy four house seats, we wanted to invite you guys.
Oh, my God, I've been dying to see The Golden Staircase.
I haven't been to a Broadway show in forever.
Thanks for that, by the way.
I'm only thinking about of the other theatergoers.
Why should they have to listen to me snoring? Anyway, how much are the tickets? They're on us.
Oh, you guys don't have to- Well, thank you.
Thank you.
God, we are gonna have so much fun.
You know, the costumes are fantastic.
Oh, and there's this amazing love ballad.
I'll make you a deal.
Before the show I'll stab you, and while you're slowly dying, you shoot me.
Yes, that's a deal.
Oh, there's Jack and Sheila.
Oh.
Oh, my God, our fix-up.
They went out last night.
And here they are at breakfast.
With matching bed head.
I knew they would make a great couple.
Why? He's horny and she's easy? Come on.
Let's go say hi.
Why do women want everyone in the world to be paired off? You know, they're like that- That boat guy.
Noah? No, no, Captain Stubing from TheLove Boat.
My mistake.
You know, the problem with this fix-up is Jennifer's involved.
Now, when it blows up- And it will.
- the girls are gonna take sides, they'll each gonna defend their person, and they'll end up in a fight.
So Jack will be mad at Jennifer, Sheila will be mad at Audrey, and then Audrey and Jennifer will be mad at each other.
Yeah, it's gonna screw up relationships all around, and we're going to have to hear about it.
God, why does everything bad happen to us? Well, there are people in the world that have it a lot worse off than we do.
Okay, this weekend we're going on a harbor dinner cruise with Jack and Sheila.
I stand corrected.
Boy, was that a good run.
Too bad you couldn't keep up with me.
Was it that I couldn't keep up, or was I just back there enjoying the view? You couldn't keep up.
You didn't even know I stopped for gelato.
Oh.
You had gelato? I want gelato.
Oh.
Was I supposed to be home? No.
Think I got nothing better to do than hang out and wait for you? Basically, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you're wrong.
I'm riding up and down on the elevator all day in hopes of running into my dream girl.
Were we wrong.
You have a full life.
Hey, the doorman's gonna kick you out, man.
No, he's not.
He's cool.
Oscar.
What's up? I explained to him my sitch, and turns out he's a romantic too.
Romantic? He stares at my chest every time I walk by him.
Heh.
Yeah, he's good peeps.
You know, there's something special about this girl.
She could be the one.
Hm.
The one before the next one.
You know what? You don't know what I felt when I saw her.
I do, it's called an erection.
No, it wasn't down there.
I felt something here.
It was like my heart had an erection.
And here comes my gelato.
Thank you, you guys.
This triple date was a great idea.
Yeah, I don't think I've ever eaten on a boat before.
We've been out three times, you're telling me this now? I feel like I don't even know you.
Heh-heh.
Jack.
Look how cute they are.
I know.
We did that.
Mm-hm.
Hey, did you remember to take your sea sick pills? Yeah, but for the record, it's not the boat that's making me nauseous.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the Starlight Harbor Cruise.
We'll be departing in 10 minutes.
Looks like Jack and Sheila are going strong.
Maybe Jennifer and Audrey won't end up in a fight after all.
Yeah, but now I'm gonna have to hear Audrey gloat about her fix-up success.
Maybe I can parlay that into some sex.
That'll teach her not to gloat.
Hey, fellas.
Hey.
So you and Sheila are going strong, huh? Yeah, she's great.
The women are gone.
We don't have to do this.
Well, look, Sheila's the first blind date I've had that's worked out.
I mean, she's funny, she's attractive.
Plus, we're at exactly the same point in our lives.
Really? You don't look 38.
Oh.
No, I'm 32.
So is Sheila.
No, she's 38.
She says so whenever she complains to Audrey about her biological clock ticking.
H- her what? Biologic- Some clock that she bought that doesn't work right.
She's always complaining about it.
Should just return it.
Get a new one.
That's what I'd do.
Are you the guy looking for the blond girl? Yeah.
Thought I saw her earlier, but it just turned out to be the albino that lives on 6.
Wait, do you know who she is? No, I don't notice girls much.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
Hey, do you know a good dry-cleaner? You guys always seem to know.
I'd tell you, but I don't know if any of that is worth dry-cleaning.
Wow.
Well, you're really doing wonders to get rid of that bitchy stereotype.
Well, I'm not the one riding the elevator all day.
Dude, I don't ride the elevator all day.
Pizza delivery for a "Russell on the elevator.
" Oh.
No, no, that's Russell Elevator, that's his name.
He lives in the building.
Yeah.
You know what? I'll take that.
I'll give that to Mr.
Elevator, and I feel like maybe he ordered a soda too.
Oh.
There you go.
You had to tell Jack Sheila wants a baby.
I didn't have to, it just sort of slipped out.
You know, I- I did not think that Jack was gonna make the dock when he leaped off the boat.
Look, he would have found out eventually.
Yeah, but maybe by then he would have been so in love he wouldn't have cared.
I may need another seasick pill.
I can't believe Sheila would lie to Jack like that.
I cannot believe Jack is so shallow he couldn't deal with it.
Since when is it shallow to not want to go out with someone who tricked you? Look, girls, there's no reason to point fingers here.
You guys both tried to do a really nice thing.
Come on, you guys should feel good that you tried.
Yeah.
I guess.
Hey, I have a new fix-up we can try: vodka, meet tonic.
Oh, that is such a good couple.
That was close.
Nice work.
Oh, thanks.
You too.
We just prevented the Audrey and Jennifer Fix-Up Disaster Fight.
To us being better than them.
Mm.
Hey, look at this.
As a reward, we get extra food for free.
Thank you, Jack and Sheila.
Actually, Audrey put Jack and Sheila's dinners on our credit card.
Oh.
Well, in that case, thank you, Jeff.
Whoa.
I should only be responsible for Sheila.
So Jack's on your tab.
Me? No, you're the one who let the biological clock out of the bag.
Look, just enjoy that shrimp.
You're buying it.
Not paying for it.
Not eating it.
Look, I'm responsible for my woman's fix-up failure.
You should be responsible for yours.
Mine wasn't the problem.
You can't blame Jack for not wanting to date Grandma Sheila.
Jack could do a lot worse, and I'm sure that he will with that cheesy earring.
This is a dinner cruise, you're not a pirate.
Well, that's too bad, because if he wore a patch over his eye, maybe he would have believed that Sheila was 32.
Ar-r-r, I'm Jack, me and me earring are gonna go pillage the buffet.
Why don't you say that again, sonny? I'm Sheila, I can't hear you.
Ar-r-r! Look at the size of these shr- Don't.
Didn't eat it, doesn't count.
Okay, which shoe? Ah, the old shoe game.
The right one.
Wait.
My right or yours? Yours.
Oh.
Those kind of pinch my toes.
I mean, the other one.
Well, those give me a heel blister.
You got me again.
All right, I'll just paint my big toe and wear my sandals.
You are just sitting in the audience tonight, right? You're not actually dancing in The Golden Staircase? I want to look good.
We don't go out that often.
What are you talking about? We were just on that dinner cruise.
Speaking of which, did you call Sheila? How's she doing? I am not asking Sheila to pay for her dinner.
In that case, I wonder how Jack's doing.
It's not that much money, just let it go.
And no, I don't want you bickering about it with Adam tonight.
You know what, it's not about the money, it's the principle.
A man pays what he owes.
If I learned one thing from my father's bookie, it was that.
Jeff, you look handsome.
Thank you, Jennifer.
You look nice too.
Adam, you would look better if you dropped about 150.
I've been thinking about it and you're right.
I should pay you.
Ah.
I'm glad you finally see things my way.
Here you go.
What are those? Tickets for tonight.
They're actually worth more than the cruise, so during intermission, drinks are on you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You already gave us those as a gift.
Yes, we did.
I will just write you a check.
Stay out of this, woman.
A man should pay for his mistakes, this is all Jeff's mistake.
You took the tickets, so we're even.
You can't magically turn a gift into compensation.
Oh, but I just did.
Shazam.
Then Audrey and I aren't going.
I'm so excited to see this show.
I know, it's gonna be great.
Yeah, it should be.
Should be worth every penny, eh, Jeff? Well, I wouldn't know, our tickets were free.
Thanks again for the free tickets, Jennifer.
Why don't you two just knock it off? This is good.
That'll be 9.
50, please.
Jeez.
Sometimes I envy lesbians.
I could tell you some stories.
Any luck, ese? No, no luck, Oscar.
Maybe I should just give it up.
No.
You said this girl might be your destiny.
There's nothing more important than finding true love.
True dat, mi amigo.
Hey, Mrs.
Fulford.
Oh, hello, Rusty.
Have you found her yet? Heh-heh.
No, not yet.
Well, when you do, she's going to be so touched by how hard you've worked to find her.
Well, that's what I'm hoping.
And if you don't find her, I could set you up with someone nice from my work.
Oh, that'll be great.
I might do that when I turn 83.
Really, Oscar? You're checking out Mrs.
Fulford? I squint and imagine what she looked like 40 years ago.
Ooh.
Try going back 50.
Ooh.
Pretty ballsy of you to run out without paying.
You were closer to the driver.
You were.
You were.
Were not.
Hey, you are being petty and annoying.
Ha-ha, you got in trouble.
You too.
Yeah, don't blame us.
Your match-making caused all this.
Oh, how do you figure? If you'd listened to me and never done the fix-up to begin with, there wouldn't be a problem with Adam - Jeff.
- cheaping out on the dinner cruise seats, and Adam- Jeff.
would have paid for the cab.
Adam.
Jeff.
Oh.
All right, fine.
You know what? You win.
No more fix-ups.
I'm not gonna say I told you so.
Mostly because of that look right there.
Okay, you two are not gonna ruin this.
Here are your tickets.
You stay out here and solve your problem, and don't come in until you do.
He started it.
Did not.
I don't care who started it, it's over.
Understand? Don't just nod.
Use your words.
Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's go.
I'm not giving in.
I'll stand out here all night.
Is anybody selling a ticket? I need one ticket.
I'm mad at Adam, but I think making him sit through this show will be punishment enough.
Oh, I'm not letting Jeff sleep through a minute of this.
Plus I'm buying the soundtrack.
I'm sorry, that seat's is taken.
This is G24, isn't it? I just bought this ticket from a scalper outside.
Unbelievable.
Jeff sold his ticket.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I cannot believe he did that.
But don't worry, you and Adam and I will still have a good time.
Unbelievable.
Thank you, Golden Staircase.
Hey, look at me.
I'm smoking Act I.
You do realize when we get home, we're dead.
Totally.
But they can never take this away from us.
It's funny, if Jen and Audrey hadn't done that fix-up, we wouldn't have had that argument, and we'd be stuck in the theater right now.
Maybe I was wrong about fix-ups.
If they result in not seeing musicals, drinking 30-year-old single malt, and smoking fine cigars, then call me Cupid.
Thank you.
Hey, how's it going? I'm Russell.
Tiffany.
All right, yeah.
Listen, uh, this might sound a little crazy, but I saw you get on the elevator, like, a week ago.
Felt like we had a connection or something.
So I've been riding this every day in hopes of running into you again.
You've been riding the elevator for a week just to meet me? Yeah, yeah, I can't stop thinking about you.
I have everyone in the building in on it.
The doorman.
Everyone's like, "If it's your destiny-" Stop stalking me, you creep! Agh! Who are you? Rusty, are you all right? Ah.
Oh, yeah.
I'll be fine.
It usually takes about eight to 10 minutes for my eyes to readjust after getting maced.
Was that her? Yeah.
Yeah, we've decided to see other people.
Then it's time you let me set you up with one of the girls from my office.
Oh, well, I don't know.
I think it's too soon, and plus my eyes are still burning from the mace.
Are you sure? I own a small modeling agency.
Ah Wait, what's that? No high fashion, mind you, just swimsuits and lingerie.
That'll do.
Oscar! Hey.
Hey, what's up, sunshine? Look what we got invited to.
Opera tickets? Who hates me that much? Jennifer and I fixed up the guy and the girl that you and Adam sold your tickets to.
They've been dating and they've invited us to join them at La Bohème.
All because you scalped your ticket.
I guess I had this coming.
Wonder how much I could get for these.