The Golden Girls (1985) s02e08 Episode Script

Ma, you sure you'll be all right while we're away? - Dorothy, I'll be fine.
- Listen.
Behave yourself.
Don't use the car.
No parties.
And stay out of the liquor cabinet while we're gone.
Hey, who am I? Gidget? Get out of here.
- Do you have the tickets? - Yes, Rose.
- And the passports? - Yes, Rose.
- And Pepto-Bismol? - Yes, Rose.
- Dramamine? - Yes, Rose.
- Chewing gum to pop our ears? - Yes, Rose.
Did you call a cab to get to the airport? I called two.
One for Blanche and me and one for you.
You're making me crazy.
I'm just worried about travelling out of the country.
With the problems in the Middle East.
We're going to an island in the Caribbean.
Our biggest worry is getting strap marks.
Come on, now.
Blanche, you can't take all that luggage.
But, Dorothy, I may run into a celebrity while I'm sunbathing.
I packed what I need to make me look devastating.
Then I hope you packed a tight butt.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Is this your cab or mine? Rose, there's only one cab.
How am I getting to the airport? Run behind it.
I hate leaving you like this.
Why don't you come with us? Come on, Sophia, it'll be fun.
And the resort is gorgeous.
Look here.
Isn't that beautiful? You can have the king-size bed.
There's already two people in it.
Ma, please.
If not, I'll spend my entire vacation worrying about you.
It'll be nice to have the house to myself.
I can vacuum in the nude.
Now, get out of here.
Take care, Sophia.
I'll call you the minute I get to the hotel.
Mr Mitsumo.
Hi, Mr Mitsumo.
I've been meaning to tell you you did a lovely job getting rid of the snails.
It's nice not crunching when I go to the mailbox.
Did I mention that my daughter and her roommates just left on vacation? They'll be gone for five days.
Anyway, I notice we're always smiling at each other.
So I was thinking now that we have a little privacy, maybe sometime we could smile and talk over a glass of Tang or something.
Tang.
Tang is not the catchword here.
What I mean is, I think you're very nice and I thought we liked each other, you and me.
This is very embarrassing.
You don't understand a word I'm saying.
Understand.
Little.
You can put the luggage right There would be fine, too.
Girls, this room looks nothing like the pictures in the brochure.
This isn't good enough for you? Well, not for $100 a night.
Americans.
You measure everything by the dollar.
We're trying to learn the metric system.
It's not that easy.
This place is like a sweatbox.
Oh, great.
The air conditioner's not working.
Who needs air conditioning? We have a fresh ocean breeze and a breathtaking view.
We have no view.
When the revolution comes, and the heads of Imperialist swine are impaled on sticks stuck in the sand for people to spit on, you'll be glad you don't got a view.
This isn't solving anything.
I'm going to call the manager.
Hello.
Hello? Great.
The phone's dead.
Makes no difference.
You only get lies from that scum-sucking pig.
Would you go downstairs and tell the scumsucker we want to see him? OK.
But his days are numbered.
When the revolution comes, he's the second to be shot.
- Who's the first? - Morales.
My next-door neighbour, who knocked up my sister.
This is dandy.
Just dandy.
I should never have been talked into coming to this godforsaken place.
Come off it, Blanche.
We agreed this is where we'd spend our vacation.
All I wanted was a tan on my thighs.
Now I'll probably end up a prisoner of the revolution.
They'll rip my blouse and make me cook for the officers and spit food in my face and make fun of my recipes.
And, eventually, I'll catch the eye of some fat general with big sweat stains under his arms.
And he'll force me to let out his uniforms and satisfy his ugly needs.
It sounds like Christmas with my ex-husband.
I don't know what you are complaining about.
I'm the one who'll suffer most.
With no air conditioning, I'll get all wilted.
No man will talk to me.
How can I get dates without a telephone? The way you always do.
Go sit in the bar without underwear.
Evening.
I'm Jacques Decourville, manager of Rustling Palms and reigning island limbo king.
Oh, please, please, come in.
Talk to me.
What's the problem here? To begin with, Mr Decourville, in here it says that every room has an ocean view.
Now, where is ours? Give me it.
Come here, Kiddo.
Here, over here.
Stick your head out of the window.
Look to the extreme left and what do you see? Two guys beating up an old lady.
Beyond that.
- The ocean.
- I rest my case.
Wait.
You call that an ocean view? You have to be a contortionist.
Hey, it doesn't say "great ocean view".
Now, look, these accommodations are simply unacceptable.
We want the room described in the brochure or we take our business elsewhere.
OK, have it your way.
But don't expect a refund.
We've just checked in.
We haven't paid for this room.
Yes, we have.
I'm sorry.
My travel agent said it would be easier to prepay everything.
Believe me, it is.
What do we do now? We have no choice.
We have to stay.
Goody.
If you need anything, any time day or night, you call me.
We can't.
The phone is dead.
There's plenty of stationery in the bureau drawer.
Write me.
I'm starting to root for the revolution.
Well, we're here now.
Come on.
Let's make the best of it.
Maybe this room isn't a total loss.
A vibrating bed.
Let's give it a try.
Come on.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Are you ready? Guantanamera Juanita Guantanamera Guantanamera Juanita Guantanamera This has been a great day, Mr Mitsumo.
Toshiro.
This has been a great day, Toshiro.
Driving your Lawn-Boy was so exciting.
Eat.
Eat.
That's amazing.
You eat with little sticks, never missing a bite.
My people drop half their meal while using a fork, a spoon and bread.
So, see, so.
So, exactly Exactly what is this stuff? Is sushi.
Raw fish.
Very good.
That flew right out of my hand.
That was delicious.
I couldn't eat another bite.
I've got to tell you.
Even though you eat raw fish and listen to a piano being tuned, I find you awfully cute.
Sophia, cuter.
Blanche, what is all that stuff? Just my natural beauty supplements.
This is my apricot facial scrub and my honey skin toner and my coconut moisturizer.
If I put cracked ice and an umbrella on your head, you'd be a mai tai.
I wish we had packed a bug spray.
Girls, I've got our whole day planned tomorrow.
After breakfast, we're going to go out on a glass-bottomed boat.
And then at ten o'clock, we'll tour an old Spanish fort.
Then at three o'clock, we'll visit the wreck of the Santa Juanita.
We'll finish off the day with a sunset hike to explore a dormant volcano.
All right, forget the volcano.
No, Rose, I just killed a mosquito on your cheek.
Thank you very much, Dorothy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go wash this squashed bug off my face.
Yeah, just a minute.
Won't be very long.
Okey-dokey, take your time.
There's somebody in the bathroom.
He said he wouldn't be long.
Hey, don't rush me.
It'll take as long as it's gonna take.
I don't believe this.
There's a man in our bathroom.
Dorothy, relax, let me handle this.
Hello there.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you married? As a matter of fact, I'm not.
I hope one day you meet the woman of your dreams, but who are you and why are you in our bathroom? - I'm Dwayne and that's Rick.
- And I'm Winston Hardwick III.
We're very glad to meet you, but what are you doing in our bathroom? This is our room.
I'm afraid we six have to share this bathroom.
I'm not sharing a bathroom with three strange men.
I don't care if it is my vacation.
You've got no choice, lady.
There just aren't enough johns.
- This is ridiculous.
- Yeah? You think we're happy having to gargle next to Grandma Moses and the Mosettes? You You You rude person.
Go easy on him, Lola.
Ladies, as long as we're stuck with each other, let me give you a piece of friendly advice.
Buzz off.
- Beat it.
- Yeah, scram.
Look, kid, you can just kiss my patootie.
This is our john, and if you have to go, the jungle's that way.
Come on, ladies.
The meal was disgusting.
What do you girls want to do now? Let's draw cards for the rest of the Pepto-Bismol.
Oh, no, it's those nasty boys.
Ladies, I hate to disturb you, but we would like to buy you a drink.
- Why, thank you.
- Blanche.
I'm sorry.
It was a reflex reaction.
No, thank you and goodbye.
Look, we had a chance to think about what we said last night and we're real sorry.
It must have been a shock finding us in your bathroom.
Please accept our apologies.
Well all right, apology accepted.
Now you can buy us that drink.
A magnum of your best champagne.
So, how have you ladies been enjoying your vacation? As a child during the Depression, I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted by a shoemaker.
That was more fun than this.
Ladies, let's face it.
The island's a bore.
However, I just happen to have access to a sailboat tonight.
Are you interested in an evening cruise? I'm game.
What about you girls? - Sounds like fun.
- Why not? We'll meet you back here in 45 minutes.
That'll give me enough time to call my mother.
Your mother's still living? I'm sorry.
Now try the veal piccata.
You'll weep.
Sophia very sweet.
Toshiro, can I make a confession? You bring out the beast in me.
I know you look at me, you think, "There's a chick who gets around.
" But until I met you, I didn't know I still had those feelings.
You made me realize there's a lot of wisdom in what Sicilians say about the old olive tree.
Although it's ancient and gnarled, and not much to look at, it still has the tastiest, plumpest olives.
Toshiro, how about an olive? Olive? I realize you don't understand most of this.
But that's OK.
I was married 45 years.
My husband spoke perfect English, never understood a word I said.
Toshiro, I think it's time you learned some English.
Lesson number one.
Kiss.
Who the hell is this? Dorothy, nice to hear from you.
How's the vacation? Good.
Nothing's happening here.
Take care.
Lesson number one.
Kiss.
Oh, beautiful Mother Earth.
Land, land at last.
How long were we out there? At least two rosaries.
We're lucky to be alive.
You miserable low-down piece of Yankee slime.
Blanche, I sense some hostility towards me.
How'd you like to sense a coconut upside your head? - Get a hold of yourself.
- I don't want to.
They sail us right out in the middle of a storm.
And we end up shipwrecked on this godforsaken island.
So, we made a few mistakes.
Nobody's perfect.
- What's the big deal? - "What's the big deal?" You almost killed us, you nitwits.
I hate you.
I curse the day I ever laid eyes on you.
I curse the day your momma laid eyes on your daddy, and the day he laid down with her.
You ladies should be grateful.
It was our superior sailing skill that saved your lives.
Hanging onto the mast, screaming, "Please, God, take the old ladies, but don't hurt us.
" That does not qualify as skill.
Look, ladies, we've taken all the guff we're gonna take.
You're gonna take all the guff I got and like it.
All right, everybody, now shut the hell up.
I'm in charge.
From now on, everyone listens to me.
Why should we listen to you? I am the most decorated pioneer scout in the history of northern Minnesota.
I can build a 100-foot rope bridge, start a fire with rocks, distil sea water into drinking water.
If you want to get out of this alive, listen to me.
Any objections? No.
I didn't think so.
Start breaking up the boat.
We need wood for a fire.
And, you three, head up that ridge.
Based on rock formations, there's a good chance of a waterfall.
If you find nothing, head back to the coastline and look for our fire.
Now, move.
I said move.
Dorothy, should we be listening to Rose? Quiet.
I don't think we're allowed to talk while we work.
How long have they been gone? Over four hours.
Think anything happened to them? No, they probably just stopped to rest.
Maybe they're looking for something to carry water.
Maybe they were clawed to death by bloodthirsty animals.
Unfortunately, water isn't all that can be around that rock formation.
You're kidding? A pioneer scout always tells the truth.
So I'm going to be even more honest.
Our big worry is nobody knows we're missing so nobody's looking for us.
The odds are decent that we're all gonna die.
Oh, Rose.
Come on, now.
You're just tired and thirsty.
Yeah, we're all tired and thirsty.
Let's not wait for the boys.
Whip us up a batch of fresh water made from sea water.
About the sea water - You don't know how to do it? - I know how.
There's just one little problem.
I need a ten-gallon copper pot, seven feet of aluminium tubing and a big roll of cheesecloth.
Why didn't you say this while you were bossing us around, Miss Pioneer Dope? Things were going so well and everybody was paying attention.
I just kind of got caught up in the moment.
But it's Ionely at the top.
I don't want to be leader any more.
I nominate Dorothy.
What are you going to do? My first official act is to banish you from my kingdom.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I know you meant well.
I'm not crying about the comment.
I'm crying because we're dying and I've so many things to tell you.
- Like what? - Like once I read your diary.
You what? It was an accident.
You left it open.
I was 20 pages in before I realized it wasn't a Sidney Sheldon novel.
Rose Nylund, I want you out of my house this instant.
Blanche.
I'll never speak to you again as long as I live.
And since we have no water, that means about another 48 hours.
Since we're gonna die anyway, I might as well be honest, too.
Rose.
I slept with your cross-eyed cousin Nolan when he visited us from Ohio.
And he was lousy in bed.
I knew about that a long time ago.
Nolan told me.
He said you were the one that was lousy.
Take that back.
- Won't.
- Will.
Let's examine our priorities.
We have no food, water or shelter.
Besides, I also slept with Nolan on that fateful trip.
And as your leader, I must decree that the fault indeed lies with Nolan.
Well, since we're being honest, Dorothy, I have a question for you.
You're supposed to be my best friend.
Best friends should be able to confide in one another.
How come I overheard you on the telephone telling Anita I had my tubes tied? I said you'd bought a tube top.
When did you have your tubes tied? I didn't.
If I had, it'd have been when you had your nose done.
I never had my nose done.
Rose is the one who had it done.
Whoops.
Sorry, Rose.
I don't believe you two kept that secret from me.
Why didn't you tell me? You're always so critical about those kinds of things.
I am not.
How much did it cost you? - $ 700.
- Boy, you were gypped.
You see? That's exactly why Rose didn't want to tell you.
You are overly critical.
That's what I like least about you.
You know what I like least about you? You are overbearing.
Know what I like least about you both? - You always tell me what to do.
- Shut up.
Will somebody say, "I'm sorry" before I burst? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry and if I die, I'm glad I'm with my two best friends.
- I love you.
- I love you.
And I love both of you.
I'm just so full of love, I have to let it out.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony We'd like to hold it in our arms and keep it company How about a mai tai? Where have you been? Rose said there might be a waterfall.
You were right.
There is a waterfall.
And it empties into a pool in the lobby of the Hyatt Regency.
We never left the island.
We got shipwrecked on the good side.
Our new hotel is half a mile this way.
We reserved you a room.
Put out the fire.
Ladies, as long as we're not going to die, I suggest everything we said won't go further than us three.
In the scouts we made it official by pricking our fingers with a penknife and taking a blood oath.
- What do you say? - Shut up, Rose.
I sure am glad everything's back to normal.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony I'd like to hold it in my arms