The King of Queens s02e08 Episode Script

Beautiful.
Just beautiful, Doug.
I hope you're happy with yourself.
Yeah, I'm living my dream.
Will you just get me out of here? I'm stuck and it hurts.
So I'm a tight ass, huh, Ray? I didn't say that.
I - Okay, I said that, but - Yeah.
Why did you tell her, huh? You broke the code.
I was drowning.
I was just trying to reach for something.
Don't blame it on him.
You're the one who said it.
What the hell were you thinking, trying to get up there? - It was Ray's idea.
- Stop it with "Ray.
" I can't believe you.
You get your friend stuck in an attic, you insult me behind my back - No, I didn't mean it as an insult.
- Tight ass, not an insult? How does that work, Ray? "Hey, swing by the house, meet Tight Ass and the kids.
" Look, it wasn't like that.
It's just we got back from golf, and we were talking.
Yeah, yeah, Mr.
Wedge.
Oh, yeah.
Stop it.
Please stop kissing.
You're making me nauseous.
All right, how much I owe you? Eighteen bananas.
How'd you get 18? We played a dollar a hole.
You lost every hole.
Hey, how about double or nothing, Jets-Denver game Sunday? You give me the Jets and six points.
- All right, you're on.
- You're on.
All right, we're both on, then.
All right.
You know what? Why don't you come over here, watch the game? All right, yeah, but you gotta promise me, no humping the TV if you win.
I can't give you that.
I hump, win or lose.
Oh, wait a minute, I forgot.
The game's not Sunday, it's a Saturday night game this week.
Oh, man, you're right.
Damn.
I can't I can't do it now, Saturday night's date night with the wife.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We used to have date night.
Then we had kids.
Now, date night is when she changes in front of me.
Yeah.
I tell you, Carrie's a maniac, I can't mess with it.
She'd be like, "What, you wanna watch the freaking Jets on our date night: I don't think so.
" Hey, Debra can be a little bit of a tight ass too, you know.
Oh, man, how sad is that? Grown men can't watch the game.
Not allowed.
Not allowed.
Hey, you know what we do? Why don't get-together with the wives, then you and I can watch the game.
Oh, yeah, watch the game with the women right there, I like that, yeah.
And then we'll get hookers too.
That'll be good.
No.
I'm serious.
We get together, we have dinner, and they start talking girly stuff and then we're in.
They don't care what we're doing in the other room.
- I guess that could work.
- Yeah.
What if they have nothing to say to each other? Then we just jump start them.
- What? - Yeah, yeah.
We jump start their conversation.
You know, like, "Honey, didn't you just get your nails done at a place around here?" And Carrie goes, "What place?" You son of a gun, you're smart.
You forgot good-looking.
Now I'm nauseous.
Some more cayenne pepper to turn it up a notch, and boom.
Let's turn it up another notch, and bam, shimmy sham.
Hey, honey, you wanna watch me turn it up a notch? Come here.
Okay, simmer down, Heffernan.
That's Cheffernan.
You know what, that just gets funnier with each barbecue.
Hey, you wanna hand me the Worcestershire sauce? What did you say? The Wester Westerchester sauce.
That's not the way you say it.
Well, how do you say it? Well, I try not to, but if I have to, I say it very quickly.
Pass me the Worcestershire sauce? You see? But when you pronounce it slowly, it highlights your stupidity.
How about we both learn to say it the right way? - Okay.
All right.
- All right, it's - It's Worsisshter, Warsheztersheer - Worster Wrestershire - Westerchester - Worchersestershire - Okay, that was fun, Doug.
- This is brutal.
- It's gonna be fun tonight, though? - Yes.
It's gonna be fun hanging out with a new couple.
Is the wife nice? Debra? Oh, yeah, very sweet.
- You're gonna love her.
- She's not all Long Islandy, is she? No, no.
Not at all.
What does that mean, anyway? You know, like that woman from Great Neck, you remember? I, like, barely tapped her Jaguar in the Waldbaum's parking lot.
- You remember her? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she was like, "You know, darling, you're not the only car in the parking lot.
Maybe you should look where you're going.
" Yeah, okay, why don't you look where my boot is going, lady? What a freaking piece of work she was, right? Hey, listen, Deb's never met you, so tonight you might wanna just tone it down a notch, huh? - What? - You know what I'm talking about.
I don't want them to think I married a bouncer, you know what I'm saying? All right, I think I finally nailed the sauce.
Can you hand me the platter? Give me the platter.
Come on, no platter, no platter, no platter.
Platter, platter, platter.
Tone it down? Oh, Lord.
So, what are you saying? I embarrass you? Embarrass me? Not, no, no.
I'm not No, no, no.
Hey, did Pam have her baby yet? You don't like the way I act in front of other people? - Is that it? - No, you're fine.
I'm just What I meant was, well, people who don't know you, don't know how great you are, sometimes have trouble seeing past your hard candy shell to the delicious nut inside.
You're a delicious nut, you are.
- Who? - You.
You really are, you're a nut.
No, no, no.
Who can't see past my hard shell? - Nobody.
- Well, you just said it.
Now who? I don't know, I guess at our wedding, my relatives Your relatives don't like me? Distant relatives, I barely even know them.
Bonnie Something-or-Other.
I don't know.
The problem was, they never saw your inner nut.
Okay, could you shut up about the nut now? Do you know what you're telling me? You don't like my personality.
Look, now, you're being crazy.
If you're so ashamed of me, why the hell did you even marry me? You're hot.
Carrie, it was just a joke.
I'm kidding.
- I love you.
- Know what? Just go away from me.
Come on, it's not It's not you I'm worried about, all right? It's Debra.
Ray said she's tough to get along with.
He called her a tight ass.
- That's a quote.
- Okay, would you stop following me? Carrie, she's a tight ass! Oh, come on, they're here, all right? Listen, I love you, all right? Now, please, can we just have a nice night? Okay, that's the door.
I'm gonna go get it right now, okay? All right? So you're good here, okay? You're okay, then.
Good? Okay? This is good.
This is gonna be fun.
She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be fine.
You know, I made the marinade myself.
- Did you? - He did.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I told you he does it.
Don't ask me what's in it, though, because it's a Heffernan secret.
Yeah.
Carrie doesn't even know it.
Right, hon? Nobody knows, keeping it on the Q.
T.
Mum's the word.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Well, whatever's in it, it sure is yummy.
It's very yummy.
Yes.
Debra, could you please pass me a napkin? - Sure.
- Thank you.
How'd I say that? Was that the right tone? That was fine.
- Because I could tone it down.
- No, it was fine.
You know what's funny about corn? I mean, corn itself is good, but corn on the cob, it just reaches a whole other level.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
- It does, right.
- Yeah.
Lot of people like to eat their corn north to south.
Tonight, I went east to west.
I like to go east to west, yeah.
You know, like a little typewriter: You know what? I'm gonna start the coffee.
Oh, may I be excused? - Yes.
- Thanks.
You know you don't have to ask.
I think I'm gonna get in there and help her, okay? Oh, wait.
Tell Doug what's funny about lettuce.
What's going on? Oh, man, we had a fight.
She wants me dead.
Oh, man, sorry, that's rough.
Can I flip on the game? Not yet.
So you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah? You seemed a little upset when you jabbed him with the butter knife.
Oh, it's It's just that Doug said something really stupid before you guys got here.
- Just hurt my feelings a little bit.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
I've always thought they should make a device to put on husbands that gives them a little shock when they say something stupid.
- Yes.
Like a dog collar.
- Exactly.
It would be like, "Hey, honey, did you gain a little weight?" - Yes.
- Right? I mean not enough juice to kill them, but just enough to make them bite down really hard on their tongue.
Right.
And it'll be like, they would have a remote control that you can keep on your key chain.
- Yes, silver key chain.
- With initials.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, they're laughing.
That's good.
Laughter good.
Yeah.
Come on, let's turn the game on now.
Not yet, I think it's too soon.
Come on.
It's a big game.
And it's happening right now, in there.
Let it out.
I want to.
I just I wish I knew she wasn't so mad at me, you know.
- Go in, check it out.
- I don't know.
I don't think so.
I think it's too soon.
Are you kidding? It's like Def Comedy Jam in there.
You know what? I'll test her.
I'll grab a beer and give a kiss on the cheek.
Okay.
Okay, a little premature.
- No.
- Come on.
The first quarter's practically over.
Will you turn it on, please? Look, I can't.
Listen, come on.
I'm supposed to be sad and sorry about what I did, all that stuff.
Well, give me something.
How about? Hey, let's go picture, no sound.
You can give me picture, no sound.
- All right.
- Yeah.
And the Jets are - Hey.
- Sorry, sorry.
Hey, what's with the picture, man? It's all static-y.
Oh, man.
This happened once before.
So, what did he say, anyway? He told me to tone myself down.
Maybe the collar should kill them.
I know.
And then he just kept going and digging himself deeper, saying he didn't mean it, trying to blame it on Ray.
"Oh, honey, it's not you, it's Debra.
Ray says she's a real tight ass.
" And then he starts saying, "You know, it's just your hard shell, you know? Inside is a delicious nut.
" You know, it was just so Are you okay? What's up there? The main cable connection comes in through the attic.
I just gotta get up there and jiggle the wires, and the picture will be fine.
All right, well, jiggle it.
It's almost halftime.
All right, I just gotta shimmy up through that trap door.
- Well, you got a ladder or something? - No, it's fine, just give me a boost.
What, no ladder? - You wanna watch the game? - Well, yes.
- Come on, give me ten fingers.
- All right, all right, come on.
Come on - Come on, I'm almost there.
- Well, hurry.
I can't, give me a couple more inches.
I can't reach it.
I can't.
Come on Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Ray! You already know.
Ray? Oh, my God, I'm stuck.
Ray.
Tight ass? Doug? How's your back? - Still hurts.
- Good.
Is there anyone down there who can scratch my inner thigh? Doug, Richie's here.
Hey, Moose, it's me, Richie.
Really? Is that what she meant when she said, "Richie's here"? Get me down.
Whoa, somebody's cranky.
Hey, Santa Claus, you missed.
Shecky, you wanna get him down now, please? All right, let me check this out.
You guys all right? Well, he's got a pinched nerve, and apparently, I have a tight ass.
Don't say that to a fireman.
What the hell's going on down there? All right, Moose, relax, we got you covered.
Hey, Chenz, go get me a big stick.
If we whack him, maybe candy will come out.
- Okay, one, two, three, push.
- Easy.
Easy.
- You're taking skin.
- Keep pushing.
Stop pushing.
Is it bad that I'm dizzy? No, no, it's normal.
That's not normal, we'd better get him out of there.
I can hear you.
Well, could you hurry up and get him down? Can I use your phone because I need to check on the kids? - Yeah, it's right there.
- You know what? - You fellas, I'm gonna go downstairs.
- Hey, wait, I'll go with you.
We'll do it together.
Just me and you.
Oh, now, that's uncalled for.
All right, we're gonna have to cut.
What? What do you have to cut? His legs.
Right about here ought to do it.
Whoa, nice try, Moose.
Okay, Doug, could you stop it, please? Do you wanna be up there all night? So, what do you have to cut? Couple of the ceiling beams ought to do it.
Eric, go radio in, tell them we need the buzzer.
- Got it.
- The buzzer? - Wait, wait, what's the buzzer? - Yeah, what's the buzzer? Don't worry, Moose, it's a saw.
We won't hurt you.
Okay, I'm not worried about him, I'm worried about my closet.
Is there any other way? Well, you could just leave him up there and not feed him for a couple of days.
Okay, he's not that funny.
What, you don't like my house, Mick? What, my house stinks? That's right, it stinks.
My whole life stinks.
You need proper management, kid.
You need proper management.
You're gonna eat lightning.
You're gonna crap thunder.
I'm gonna crap thunder, but I ain't got no locker, do I, Mick? I ain't got no locker? Hey.
- Hi.
- What are you doing up here? It's gonna be at least another hour, I thought you might be getting hungry.
And I also think you have a right to know that Richie's getting ready to paint your toenails.
He is? Well, if we ever need asbestos, I know where to go.
Here.
Thanks.
What, no juice box? Excuse me, I had to climb up the freaking trellis to bring you this.
I needed one free hand.
You never heard of a backpack? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, it's a joke.
What, are you still mad at me? Yes.
I What? Come on, let's talk it out.
- What? - Doug? Yeah? How do you feel, in general, about mice? Or maybe a rat? Not a fan.
Why? Behind me? - Doug.
- Is there a rat behind me? - Okay, would you just relax? - I can't relax, all right.
Right now I'm about 18 inches tall and I smell like barbecue.
Okay, Doug, don't panic.
He's not even paying attention to What? Is he coming towards me? Well, he's closer than he was.
For the sweet love of God, kill it.
Use your shoe.
I can't kill it.
There.
Look, it worked.
He's eating it.
Good.
Good.
You think he's gonna finish it? - Hey, Doug.
- Yeah? Listen, we gotta go, the babysitter's waiting.
- All right.
Hey, thanks for coming.
- Yeah, thanks, you guys.
Yeah, hey, thanks for having us.
It was so nice meeting you, Carrie.
It was nice meeting you.
Hey, let's have lunch.
Absolutely.
I'll call you.
- Bye, Doug.
- Bye, Deb.
Hey, see you, Ray.
Thanks again for coming.
Hey, all right, man.
Hey, thank you, thank you.
It was fun.
It was really fun.
Look at that, what are you, an 11? - Because I'm an 11.
- All right, Ray, let's go.
I don't know.
Sanford and Son? No.
What's Happening!! How does Sanford and Son go? Right, right, all right.
All right.
Can we stop playing this now? All right, fine, but you forfeit, and you owe me 10 bucks.
It is so worth it.
Richie, that's not even funny.
Get that out of there.
Sorry, Moose, couldn't resist.
Good news, the saw's here, we'll have you out in two minutes.
All right, be careful.
I'd better get down there, make sure he doesn't cut off anything I need.
Yeah, good idea.
- And, Carrie? - Yeah? I'm really, really sorry about what I said, okay? I know.
I'm not embarrassed by you, not at all.
That's very nice coming from a man who's wearing his house as a belt.
I love you.
I love you too.
Come here.
Pour some sugar on me, huh? Easy.
That's raw, that's raw Pain, pain.
Sorry.
First of all, you shouldn't be using the ointment, get the spray.
You kind of look like Saturn.
The one with the ring around it, right? Will get the spray, please? Small bit.