Everybody Hates Chris s02e09 Episode Script

As a kid, I wasn't superstitious, but everybody in my family was.
If my mother spilled salt, she would always throw some over her shoulder for good luck.
That's nine cents' worth of salt.
Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.
Sonny! Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up! You want me to help you, you're going to have to crawl from underneath this ladder first.
And Tonya believed that, if she stepped on a crack, she'd break my mother's back.
I wasn't superstitious, but I did believe in bad luck.
Mom, I need some socks.
Julius, give Chris a pair of your socks, please.
These the only pair of socks you got? Yeah.
Besides, those are my lucky socks.
I was wearing those socks the night I met your mother.
Girl, he's cute, but look at those socks! I didn't think my father's lucky socks would make a difference.
Hey, lil' dude from across the street! I just hit the numbers.
Want to hold a dollar? Yeah.
Thanks.
That's all you.
They not only made a difference, they made a dollar.
I believed in good luck.
I just never believed it could happen to me.
Man, I'm sorry.
I forgot my bus pass.
It's all right, man.
I know you.
For real? Thanks.
On the second bus, I got even luckier.
Hi.
I'm Darlene.
What's your name? I'm Chris.
That's one of my favorite names.
That's not even my favorite name.
I was even getting lucky at school.
Take that, Mr.
Miyagi! Hey, Chris.
Want to smack this kid? No, I'm okay.
This kid needs a pair of lucky socks and a gun.
Things were going so good, I almost felt white.
Chris, I bought you something.
It's a copy of Roots 4: Kunta's Revenge.
It's not even out yet.
Thanks.
Roots 4 was good, but my favorite was Roots 6: Hitler Strikes Back.
Even though we were poor, it didn't stop us from asking for stuff.
Mama, can I have pink carpet in my bedroom? Pink carpet? What you need pink carpet for? Well, because Billy Ocean has pink carpet in his bedroom.
Along with a baby giraffe, a disco ball and three midgets.
Well, as soon as you get a hit record, you can have any color carpet you want.
But, just because we asked for stuff, it didn't mean we'd get it.
Holy Ralph Tresvant! Hey, man, what you doing? Just getting ready for the school talent show.
Oh, I'm going to need a suit.
You gonna make some money in that talent show? What you need a new suit for? So I can pop my collar up while I'm performing.
You know how much a new suit costs? I'm not going to spend money on a suit just so you can break the collar.
You want to pop something, pop open a pen, and fill out a job application.
Then you can buy all the suits you want.
Some guys have all the luck, and today that guy was me.
Chris, how was your day, baby? It was strange.
It was, like, one of the greatest days of my life.
Why? What happened? Nothing.
- Nobody beat you up? - Nope.
- Nobody robbed you? - Nope.
Well, how was school? It was good.
I got a "B" on my math quiz.
Starting to think these socks really are lucky.
Okay, Mr.
Lucky Socks, go wash your hands.
Dinner's ready.
What are we having? My favorite meal was meat loaf, mashed potatoes and peach cobbler.
Meat loaf, mashed potatoes and peach cobbler.
What's wrong with you? I asked Mama for pink carpet, and she said no.
Why did you ask her? You know Dad's the one that spoils you.
You think he'd give me pink carpet? Yeah.
He never says no to you.
But I asked him for a suit, and he said no.
- You asked him already? - Yeah.
You should have asked Mama.
You know she don't like a suit raggedy.
That was the moment Drew discovered the oldest parent trick in the book.
When one parent says no, just ask the other one.
You know what? I got an idea.
The next day, my socks were still holding up, and so was my luck.
Look, there's no such thing as lucky socks.
That's like believing in four-leaf clovers, shooting stars or Michael Landon.
How do you explain all this luck that's been happening to me? It's probability.
It's the number of times an event can happen divided by the total number of possible outcomes.
Hi, Chris.
If they were miracle socks, I would have had a shot, but they were only lucky socks, so I just got a smile.
I don't care what you say- the socks work.
If O.
J.
Simpson had been wearing these socks, he'd be covering football games now.
Okay, don't forget to study for your history test on Monday.
It'll be on people in history who have achieved their goals against all odds.
You want to study after school? I don't need to study.
I got my lucky socks.
Drew's plan was simple: Act like this was the first time they had asked for what they wanted.
Like the no's never happened.
Hey, Daddy.
Can I get pink carpet for my room? What do you need carpet for? Because Billy Ocean has pink carpet, and you know how much I love Billy Ocean.
I'll tell you what.
We'll go look for some pink carpet tomorrow.
Thank you, Daddy.
One down, one to go.
Hey, Mom, can I get a new suit for the school talent show? Not unless your talent is wearing a suit.
But I'm performing "Candy Girl", by New Edition, and the whole school is going to be there.
Drew could do a lot of things, but my mother knew singing wasn't one of them.
Oh, well, that.
.
That that's nice, baby.
So can I get a new suit? I don't want to look raggedy.
Raggedy? Oh, my baby is not going to look raggedy.
When I finish this, we'll go shopping.
- Okay.
Thanks, Mom.
- You're welcome, baby.
Singing That night, even my dreams were lucky.
Calm down! Calm down.
You scared the heck out of me.
Listen, I'm just looking for the woods.
Wait.
You're not going to kill me? Why would I do that? Okay, you go downstairs, make a left.
Go down the corner, make another left, and there should be a park about a mile away.
Thanks.
Hey, by the way, you know the date? Thursday the 12th.
Thanks.
Later, I had one of those dreams where I was falling and Jennifer Beals caught me.
Where are my lucky socks? Who took my lucky socks? Wasn't me.
Those socks were stinking up this whole room.
I got them things out of here.
You're lucky you didn't die from the smell.
Hey, that was a lucky scent After my mother got rid of my socks I imagined whoever was wearing them was having a lot better luck than me.
We are all out of soup.
You got any whiskey? This is your lucky day.
Sure glad y'all ran out of food.
My husband just died of a heart attack! Tragic! Well, since he's dead, want to go out to dinner? I could.
Without my lucky socks, I probably should have studied for that test.
But that seemed a lot harder than finding more luck.
How much for just the foot? What the hell makes you think I'm a leprechaun? - Let me go! - No! Oh, Louise! I'm sorry! Hey, man, can I have one of these horseshoes? Tonya and Drew thought they had pulled it off.
Then the "it" hit the fan.
Tonya, why are you moving furniture? Because Daddy's giving me pink carpet.
Where'd you get that suit? - The Peach Suit Warehouse.
- Mama bought it for me.
That's $63.
72 worth of suit.
I told Tonya she couldn't have pink carpet.
Why would you say yes when I said no? I didn't know she asked you first.
But what I want to know is, why you spent money on a suit for Drew after I told him no? Well, if you had asked me, I would have told you it was okay.
Wait a minute.
So when you say something's okay, it's okay, but when I say something's okay, it's not?! Sure.
What kind of sense does that make? It makes perfect sense.
And besides, I am not going to have my baby on stage looking like he can't sing.
Well, I'm not going to have my baby walking around acting like she can't have pink carpet on the floor.
You know what? Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Nobody worried about you.
- About you either.
Drew's plan was still working.
My parents were so busy fighting each other they forgot Tonya and Drew should be the ones in trouble.
It's too bad they didn't hear the rest of that conversation.
Wait, wait, wait a minute, Julius.
I think we just been had.
What are you talking about? Your kids just played us against each other.
Ain't this about a Before you get mad, let's think about this for a minute.
So whenever they ask us for something, let's come up with a system.
What kind of system? This was their system.
Daddy, can I have a popsicle? Go ask your mother.
Hey, Dad, can I have a dollar? Go ask your mother.
Dad, can I go to the hospital? Go ask your mother.
Okay? That's my baby.
Without my lucky socks I knew any chance of me doing good on that test was history.
Hey, man, what's the matter? I lost your lucky socks.
Chris those socks aren't lucky.
If they were lucky, I'd still have my hair, I would have hit the number and I wouldn't still be wearing a pair of socks I had when I met your mother.
But I have a lot of big stuff going on in school tomorrow.
I need those socks.
You need to make your own luck in this world.
Success comes from opportunity and preparation.
And being white.
Do you think it was luck when Rocky beat Mr.
T? Do you think the Ghostbusters were lucky when they saved New York from the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man? Do you think Godzilla was lucky when he beat Ghidrah the three-headed monster? I don't know.
I guess not.
That's right.
Chris, the only thing lucky about those socks is that I couldn't find the matching pants.
Now go find your own luck.
You don't need those socks.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Talking to my father always made me feel better.
And maybe he was right.
Maybe it wasn't the socks after all.
Wrong Looks kind of crooked.
That's better.
Love it.
That's my girl.
Come here.
Look, Tonya, next time me or your mother say no, we mean no, got it? Yes, Daddy.
Good.
Meanwhile, my mother had another way of getting her point across.
The next time you ask me to do something after your father told you no, I'm going to pop the pores off your face, do you understand me? Yes, ma'am.
As for me, I was still as lucky as a three-leaf clover.
Hey, man, I forgot my bus pass again.
Can I just go ahead? Yeah, you can just go ahead.
You can just go ahead and jog alongside the bus.
Go on, go on.
Kids.
On the second bus, my luck got worse.
Hi, Darlene.
Who are you? I'm Chris.
Remember? You said you liked my name.
I really don't care.
Who the hell do you think you are? Just because somebody sits down, doesn't mean you have to talk to them.
Do I look like I want to talk? And what the hell kind of name is Chris anyway? What you need to do, is you need to sit down, shut up and ride the bus to wherever you got to go.
And back at school I hope everyone is prepared for today's history quiz.
And, Chris, I hope you weren't too busy taking care of all of your half-brothers and sisters to study.
What's wrong? I didn't study and I lost my lucky socks.
Dude, you're toast.
No, I'm not.
Toast would get a better grade on this quiz.
But today we're going to do something a little differently.
Instead of a written exam, it's going to be an oral exam.
Chris you're so very well-spoken.
Why don't you go first? Come up here in front of the class.
I didn't have my lucky socks, and now I needed a new pair of lucky underwear.
Well, what did you want me to talk about? I want you to talk about people in history who have achieved their goals against all odds.
Do you know what goals are, Chris? I had no idea what to say.
Without my lucky socks and without studying I was in big, big trouble.
Many people think that when you succeed against all odds it's by luck.
Well, I don't believe in luck.
At least not anymore.
I mean, was was it lucky was it lucky when when Rocky beat Mr.
T? No, he prepared for it.
He prepared by beating Apollo Creed.
So now who pities the fool? Was it lucky when Indiana Jones saved those kids from the Temple of Doom? No, he prepared.
He prepared by saving the world in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
I mean, if you could save the whole world, it's not going to be too hard to save a couple of kids.
Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No,'cause he didn't defeat the planes.
They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building.
Now if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing a white girl around, he would be alive to this very day.
Many people believe that you can succeed against all odds.
I don't believe that.
I believe the odds are, that if you don't prepare, you won't succeed.
Yes! Yes! Yes! It turns out I didn't need lucky socks.
All I needed was to listen to my father.
The Lord had answered my prayers, and my mother was praying he would answer hers.
That was lovely, Christina.
Okay, our next performer is someone who is very popular here at Dolemite Elementary.
First there was Cher, then there was Madonna, Sting, and Rockwell Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Drew! That's my boy! That's my baby! Oh, you look good.
Look at my boy! Look at the little girls.
Drew couldn't sing, but he lip-synched like an angel.
Ma, look, he's lip-synching.
I know, isn't it great? Thank God.
Go ahead, girl, you can go up there, too.
That's my baby! Man, this kid is incredible.
Even before video Drew learned the secret to being a good singer is to not sing at all.
Goodness.
Oh, Drew, you were great.
You looked great, you danced great and your lip-synching- oh, thank goodness.
I mean, you were really incredible, baby.
You didn't think I was going to sing, did you? Mama, I can't sing.
We know.
Hush, Tonya.
Now go on upstairs and take off that suit.
And hang it up if it's not too smelly.
Hey, man, how'd it go without the socks today? Well, everything is back to being as bad as usual.
But I did get an "A" on my history test.
"A"? That's great.
I'm proud of you.
Well, I did have a pretty good teacher.
Here, boy, here's your socks.
I thought you said you got rid of them.
I just wanted to clean them.
You going to put them on? No, I don't think so.
I don't need them anymore.
Here.
Well, I guess I could keep them for just a little while longer.
You know, just in case.
Yeah, just in case.
Yeah, just in case the circus comes back in town.
I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life at the mercy of a pair of socks.
Any luck from this point forward, I would make on my own.