Frasier s02e09 Episode Script

'I just opened up the pages of "Seattle" magazine and there she was.
' Oh, my! Who is this fresh angel? Madeline Marshall? Would you be so good as to have dinner with me tonight? I was wondering about us going away for the weekend.
I'm in love.
'So off I flew to Bora Bora, and did I receive the shock of my life?' Frasier.
- Oh, my God! - Frasier? Oh, my God! - Lilith, what are you doing here? - I could ask you the same thing.
- Is everything all right? - Yes Come out and join us, Madeline.
Are you here with someone? Yes.
He's snorkelling at the moment.
- Anyone I know? - Sam Malone.
Sam? - Just kidding.
- Why did you bring him here? It was spectacular five years ago when you brought me.
But this was our place.
How could you bring someone else? Lilith, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall.
How's this for a hoot? This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
- Your ex-wife is here? - Yes.
What a shame, too: no papers to be signed.
- So you're here with someone? - Why does everyone keep asking that? Here he comes now.
Brian? Dr Brian Patchett, I'd like you to meet Madeline Marshall and Dr Frasier Crane.
- Your ex-husband? You're joking.
- No, God is.
- Pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.
Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Perfect, Brian being a seismologist and you having so many faults.
Lilith, you're laughing! I laugh a lot these days, thanks to Brian.
Madeline is just hilarious.
She also designs her own line of sportswear.
I don't think I've ever worn sportswear.
So, how long are you staying? Until Tuesday.
We're here till Wednesday.
This has the potential to be very awkward.
Why don't we defuse the situation by having cocktails later? - Let's have dinner.
- Wonderful idea! - Let's meet in the Tiki room at six.
- Great.
Looking forward to it.
A wonderful way to start out what promises to be a great week.
- You see how Mr Perfect rubbed it in? - Relax.
Climbing a tree to get a coconut when there were three on the ground! Would you stop obsessing? Come here.
OK.
- Hold it.
What's that? - What? Lilith is making love.
- I don't hear a thing.
- Exactly! Would you just concentrate on me, please? You're right.
It's not like in college when that went on in the next room and I was all alone with my Henry Miller collection.
I've just got to block it out of my mind, focus on the task at hand.
Oh, that's sexy.
You're right.
Forgive me.
You want sexy? I'll show you sexy.
- I feel dirty.
- Good.
No, I mean sandy, from sitting on the beach.
Just let me take a shower.
OK.
Don't be long.
Then I'll make you forget you were ever married to Lilith.
That's never happened before without a prescription.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
Ohh! It's never been like this before! Never! Nothing! Damn her! She can give as good as she gets! Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Ohh! Oh, Mama! Oh, God! You are so hot! I am burning up! That's it! That's it! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God, yes! Keep it up, baby! Oh, you're killing me! Oh, God, you're an animal! Yes! Yes! Obviously you don't need me.
Before we go to Chopper Dave for a traffic report, I'd like to send this message to Madeline M.
I'm sure your gentleman would love an opportunity to explain his behaviour, but you left the island before he had a chance and you won't return his calls or answer his notes.
We all know how hard it is to find love in this world and what a tragedy it is to let it slip through our fingers.
I think he really cares about you.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
We'll be back in a moment.
- You were wonderful! - You think she'll call? - If she doesn't, she has no heart.
- Thank you, Roz.
I almost forgot.
This bill came for you from your hotel in Bora Bora.
I guess they had to charge me for the whole week.
No, that's for the bed you trashed.
$2,500 for bamboo? Hello? This is Dr Frasier Crane.
Roz, whom do we have next? We have Vic from Seattle on line three.
- Hello, Vic.
I'm listening.
- 'Hi.
Thanks for taking my call.
- 'I'm a little nervous.
' - Just relax, Vic.
- I'm listening.
- 'I have a problem with women.
' Frasier, Madeline's on line one.
'Dr Crane?' Vic, something's come up in the booth.
I'll have to turn you over to my capable producer.
Madeline, hi! Thanks for calling.
No, it's OK.
I'm off the air now.
So, Vic, what's your problem with women? 'I don't know.
I have a good job, a good personality, I think.
'I made more money as a model, but I'm doing OK at the law firm.
' Tell me more.
Maris is thrilled you're seeing the ballet.
- We're delighted.
- Yeah.
When I was younger, I dreamed of being a ballerina.
So did Maris.
But she could never get her weight up.
That's why I bought this walk-on part at the fundraiser as a gift for Maris.
- So Maris is going to be a ballerina? - It's non-dancing, but a key role.
She plays Ulrich, the hunchbacked drawbridge operator.
I hope we can pick her out.
- What are you still doing here? - We'll be gone before she gets here.
- You don't want to be late.
- I do.
With those ballet guys in tight pants, I don't know where to look.
That reminds me.
I've got to bring my binoculars.
- Will you just get out of here? - Frasier, relax.
This is my last chance.
It serves me right after Bora Bora.
You're being too hard on yourself.
How were you to know Lilith was there? Aside from the seas starting to churn and all the birds taking flight.
Don't worry.
Miss Marshall will forgive you.
Women appreciate a man who's sensitive enough to try again.
That's why they call us "the fair sex".
All right, then, let's go see some leaping Russian stags.
- Oh, hi, Maddie! - Hello.
- We were just leaving.
- Come in.
You two kids take your time.
We'll be out all evening.
You know how it is: first the ballet, then the inevitable discussion.
- That was a little awkward, huh? - So is this.
I'd better launch into my little speech to explain why I behaved the way I did.
No, I'll tell you how I've got it worked out: when you saw Lilith, you wanted to leave, but I wouldn't let you.
You said you couldn't handle it and, by God, you were right.
You panicked and your panic took a bad turn.
A spectacularly bad turn.
That's how I've got it worked out.
It's fragile, so don't mess with it.
So, why don't you mix up a pitcher of Mai Tais and give me a kiss? I'll let you guess which I want first.
Guess again.
Delicious.
I love mangoes.
We never got round to sampling them on the islands.
- So I thought we should now.
- Good thinking.
There's something else we never got around to in Bora Bora.
You got around to it.
I just watched.
How about a little audience participation this time? Frasier, wait.
I want this as much as you, but I need to talk to you first.
What? I thought I was comfortable with this and wouldn't have to bring it up.
I was involved with a divorced man before.
Just when I was falling for him, he reconciled with his ex-wife.
I can't go through that again.
It's all right, Madeline.
Trust me.
Lilith and I are completely finished.
She lives on the other side of the country.
Except in matters of our son, we don't have contact.
That's all I wanted to hear.
Well, what's your name, little fellow? You promise you won't laugh? The dog His name is Eddie.
Come on.
Pardon me while I put him back where he belongs.
I'll be waiting.
Oh, God! It's nice to see you, too.
Is Frasier here? - Don't you live in Boston? - I'm here on a layover.
And, judging by Frasier's trademark mangoes on a stick, so are you.
If you like, I can come back in ten minutes.
- That won't be necessary.
- I apologise for being inopportune.
We've agreed to make time for each other if we have something urgent to discuss.
Take all the time you need.
This whole thing's just a little too complicated for me.
Put down that mango, my dear.
It's time you tasted the forbidden fruit.
- Lilith! What are you doing here? - I have something urgent to discuss.
What have you done with Madeline? She was surprised to see me and left.
I hope you're not angry.
Angry? What do I have to be angry about? I carve out a slice of happiness for myself and you obliterate it.
I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think it could kill you.
- Brian asked me to marry him.
- What? He wants to stop in Las Vegas on our way home.
- You're getting married? - Yes.
Well So am I.
- Really? - Yes, yes, to Madeline.
She seemed in an awful hurry for someone who's getting married.
She had to buy a dress.
Oh, God, what am I doing? - I'm not getting married.
- Wow, you really had me going.
Frasier, I don't want to disrupt anything.
I just came to get your blessing.
I could have given it over the phone.
- Must you be so churlish? - I think I'm entitled.
The one comfort in being divorced is that you're both losers.
Eventually the time comes when one person is the first to move on.
Quite frankly, I'd hoped it would be me.
Well, I'd hoped it would be me, and it was.
But I'd like to think that, the other way around, I would have been happy for you.
If you love him, I am happy for you.
I do.
Brian has been a dutiful suitor and I'm convinced, to within an acceptable margin of error, that he loves me.
- Does Frederick like him? - Yes.
- Oh.
- Oh, Frasier.
Brian could never take your place that way.
You're Frederick's father.
Congratulations.
Well, it looks like they made up.
- Hello, everyone.
- Lilith, what a pleasant surprise! How was Bora Bora? Never seen you looking so tan.
My God, what does she look like in winter? We have some happy news.
Lilith is going to be married again.
- To who? - Someone else.
Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful! Oh.
Yes.
- Wonderful.
When? - Tomorrow in Las Vegas.
Oh, Lilith! How delightfully kitschy.
You're poking fun at the institution by getting married in the tackiest place possible.
Brian's family lives in Las Vegas.
Well, isn't that convenient? You'll have someone to show you the museums.
- It was lovely seeing you again.
- I'll walk you out.
I hope you haven't found this too unsettling.
No, no.
It's actually good that you're getting remarried.
We could have kept wondering if we'd made a mistake, if we should have worked it out.
Was it me? Was it you? Was it us? Was it you? - Now we can move on.
- What's next for you? I'll try to smooth things over with Madeline.
Try very hard.
She seems worth it.
She'll need convincing.
I could try asking her back to Bora Bora.
I'll lay on the whole package: buy the tickets, pay for the hotel, get a limo - champagne, caviar, the whole nine yards.
I'll sweep her off her feet and into my bed.
I do own it, you know.
- Would you like to kiss the bride? - My pleasure.
- You're really happy for me? - Of course.
You'll understand if I don't jump up and down.
Yes.
I've already seen that.
Why don't we pick up where we left off, Frasier? - Oh, my God.
- Frasier? Oh, my God! Oh.
Oh, my Oh, God, I just had the most frightening dream! Thank God I'm here with you! We have all week to analyse your dream.
Right now, there's a huge bug in the shower.