Mike & Molly s02e09 Episode Script

Hello my name is Gary and I'm an overeater.
Hi Gary.
Well I had an extraordinary week and shed yet another pound, which brings a grand total for the year to a hard fought and well earned seven.
Thank you.
One lousy pound and he's acting like he won an Oscar.
Well buckle up buddy, cause I've lost three and I'm going full-on Sally Field.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is upon us, and with my newfound strength, I do not fear it.
Bring on your Turkey and stuffing, your mashed potatoes and mouth-watering gravy, your buttery Crescent rolls and pumpkin pie slathered in pillowy clouds of whipped cream.
Wrap it up, Harry.
Course that won't be a problem for me this year because my mother's going to my brother's house, so my Thanksgiving will be a holiday lean cuisine flavored by my salty tears.
We should invite him to our house.
You heard him, he's already got plans.
Thank you, Harry.
I have the in-laws at my place.
Otherwise Save it! All right.
Well, we have time for one more.
Oh, that's me.
So, you probably got a full house at your place, huh? Uh, unfortunately.
Molly's family, my mother.
Boy, I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
Well, if you think it'd be okay with Molly, I'm game.
Hi, my name is Molly and I'm an overeater.
Hi, Molly.
Don't you hate it when people come up here and they, you know, tell you they've lost a bunch of weight and they had an amazing week? Well, let the hating begin because this gal has lost not one, not two, but three pounds.
If you wanna throw something at me, fruit and vegetables only.
Grant me the serenity to accept the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Mike, what are you doing? Nothing.
I smell nougat.
Keep your voice down.
No big deal.
It's just one candy bar.
Well, there's no such thing as just "one" candy bar.
One is too many and a thousand is not enough.
Come on.
A thousand could last a guy at least a couple of weeks.
Listen, you've got a problem, and I'm volunteering to be your sponsor.
Hitch your wagon of weakness to my tow truck of willpower.
Right.
Nobody needs to know about this, especially Molly.
Besides, I'll be fine.
No, you won't.
Thanksgiving is coming up and you need somebody right by your side.
Or across the table or boy-girl, boy-girl.
Whatever your seating plan is.
Hey, why'd you guys sneak out? I got this.
Molly, your boyfriend has a problem.
Harry He asked me to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours, and he didn't clear it with you.
Oh.
Of course, you're more than welcome.
Will it just be you? I don't know.
The bulimic in the front row was kinda giving daddy the sweet knees.
Just put him down for one.
For the first time in my life I see love.
one Denver omelet with buttered toast and hash browns, extra crispy and one cup of herbal tea, no honey, extra lemon.
Thank you.
What? I'm not hungry.
Yeah, and I'm not black, virile and handsome.
Ditto.
I had a piece of toast at the house.
Was it being used as a coaster for a honeybaked ham? And you can't tell me you're not hungry.
Your stomach's been growling all morning.
It sounded like a grizzly bear opening the door to a haunted house.
I'll keep a short stack at the ready in case gentle Ben comes out of hibernation.
Hey, I'm just eating light so that on Thanksgiving I can have a little extra stuffing and maybe some dessert.
And there it is, the first lie of the holiday season.
God bless us everyone.
Let it go, okay? Fine, I'm not gonna push it.
Oh, by the way, I'm bringing Christina with me and grandma this year.
A date at Thanksgiving? I thought you didn't like to be "hamstrung by the holiday hoochie.
" Well, I'm bending a lot of rules for Christina.
This is the woman I'm planning on ringing in the new year with.
Does she know that you wear the sash and the diaper even when no one asks you to? She will when the clock strikes midnight.
Geez, I'm starving to death.
I need more lemons.
Samuel! What the hell was that? Sorry, I think I had a loose button.
Loose? It would've fallen into your lap.
That thing hit me in the head like a Chinese throwing star.
My shirt must have shrunk in the dryer.
Yeah, well, next time you might wanna climb in with it.
It's for your own good, Jim.
You need to quit chewing your ding-dong like it's got peanut butter in it.
Thanks for holding onto these clothes, mom.
Saves me from having to buy new ones.
Well, it didn't take a magic eight ball to know you were gonna put those pounds back on and come a-knocking for your "chubby duds.
" It's just temporary.
I'll drop this weight before Molly finds out about it.
Is that why you're starving yourself? So she can parade you around in tank tops and skinny jeans? Mom, my "skinny jeans" have and my tank tops are "tank tops.
" I, for one, love you for who you are.
Unlike your fiancée who seems hell-bent on turning you into a Chippendale dancer.
Mom, people have actually offered me money to keep my clothes on.
And don't talk about Molly that way.
She only wants what's best for me.
All right, don't bite my head off.
Sounds to me like somebody's got a bad case of the "hungry-grumblies.
" You'd be grumbly, too, if you were living on dry toast and lemon wedges.
Oh, my God, that awful woman is killing you.
How 'bout mommy makes you a nice bowl of macaroni and cheese while you put on your big boy itches? Probably wouldn't hurt for me to have a little something.
I'll slice up a few wienies in it.
That way you're getting your protein.
Thanks, mom.
Don't judge me.
I've seen you eat cat poop.
You guys are gonna love these mashed potatoes.
It's a new recipe that I found in my healthy living cookbook.
Mmm.
All right? Oop.
Amazing.
Mmm! Sweetie, these are delicious.
And here's the kicker, they're not really mashed potatoes.
They're pureed cauliflower.
Yech.
Blech.
Oh, come on! A second ago you loved it.
A second ago it was potatoes.
You tricked us.
I don't like that.
Sorry I'm late.
My mom needed me to unclog her disposal, and the thing blew coffee grounds all over me, which is why I'm wearing this shirt you've never seen before.
Well, dinner's almost ready.
Actually, I'm not hungry.
I had a late lunch.
A late, light, sensible lunch.
Not hungry? I've heard him say "not" and I've heard him say "hungry," never the two together.
You don't think he's getting "fed" somewhere else, do you? Stop it.
Like that big ol' Maine coon cat we used to have.
Buster! He'd come home late and walk right past his food dish.
That's right.
The divorcée up the street was giving him fancy feast, rubbing his belly and calling him "Rodney.
" Mm-hmm.
I don't think And she wasn't the only one.
We had to tie a little bell around his neck so we'd know where he was.
And he'd always come home just to sleep and go potty.
That's how I knew he was eating three dinners a day.
His litter box started looking like an ashtray at a Cuban card game.
Harry, you gotta help me.
I just ate two bowls of Mac and cheese at my mom's.
What does it matter if it's the packaged kind? What matters is I ate it right out of the pot with my bare hands.
Mike? Oh.
Who you talking to? Nobody.
Just, uh, checking my voicemail, seeing if anybody called.
How are you? I'm good.
Everything okay? Yep.
Never better.
Are ya gonna answer that? Yes, I am.
I just didn't want to be rude.
Hello.
Hey, Harry, what's up, my man? Oh, no! That's horrible.
I'll be right over.
Apparently, he's crawled into a bag of Oreos and he's trying to eat his way out.
I'm surprised he got reception in there.
Oreos: The double-stuffed train to hell.
I may actually have to put a bell around his neck.
Listen, you don't have to worry about Molly finding out.
This is a men's- only group.
Harry, I'm not ready to share.
I'm still burping up wienies and cheese.
Oh, man, do I miss those burps.
But we've got to get you back on the road to recovery.
All right, let's do this thing.
Just remember, the first step is to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with everybody else.
And it's even more challenging being a gay man with weight issues.
By the way, my name is Kevin, you're Ronaldo, and we're very much in love.
Our primary purpose is to abstain from compulsive overeating and to carry this message of recovery to those who still suffer.
Harry, I'm gonna be fine.
Let's just get out of here.
All you have to do is stand up, pretend to be gay and admit that you're powerless over food And my beautiful brown eyes.
Fine, I'll go first.
You have a very commanding presence.
Hello, my name is Kevin and I'm an overeater.
Hi, Kevin.
Well, things are going really super for me.
Ronaldo and I are very happy And gay.
We both have weight issues and occasionally we stumble, but there is no judgment.
Our relationship is based on honesty.
It is the glue that holds us together.
That and our adopted African son, Chadwick.
I didn't want kids, but Kevin up there really wanted to be a mommy.
I apologize for bringing up Chadwick, but I had to make it believable because of my palpable hetero vibe.
Fine.
And I'm sorry I didn't share tonight, but I'll be back on my diet first thing in the morning.
Why are you pulling into a drive-thru? I'm gonna grab a diet coke.
You want anything? No, I don't and neither do you.
I'm just getting something to drink.
Oh, the siren smell of fries.
It's like a salty whorehouse.
Could I get a diet coke, please? You sure you don't want anything? No Mike, please get us out of this godforsaken island of temptation.
Are those chicken tenders made with white meat? Slippery slope! Slippery slope! You know what, strike that.
How about a grilled chicken sandwich and a small order of fries? Do not give this man food! Stop it.
No chicken sandwich, no coke, no fries! One chicken sandwich, one coke, one fries.
No! It's out of my hands.
I will not be party to this.
On second thought, forget the chicken sandwich.
I'll have a double bacon cheeseburger.
You shall not pass! Pay at the first window, please.
I don't think I want to be your sponsor anymore.
So what time did Mike finally get home last night? I don't know, it was late and I was already asleep.
Just snuck in, huh? That's what Buster would do.
Okay, stop it.
Mike's not a cat.
He's also not cheating on me.
He is, however, cheating on his diet and he's trying to hide it from me.
That explains why I've been finding candy wrappers in my bird feeder.
Oh no, it's gotten that bad? Well, it's either him or the finches are feeding their babies milk duds.
And I didn't want to say anything, but my munchie drawer has definitely been compromised.
Victoria, are you sure it was Mike? Pretty sure.
My cheetos were gone and the TV remote was orange and tasted like cheese.
You know, I was very instrumental in getting Mike and Molly together.
I didn't realize you were such a romantic, Carl.
Oh yes.
I may have a tough, rugged exterior, but inside I'm like two baby ducks giving each other butterfly kisses.
Ring the bell, fool.
This pie is hot and my behind is cold.
When he starts rambling on like that, just sing a song in your head.
That's what I do.
Don't worry, Vince, I'll get it.
How long till we eat? Well, if you hopped in the oven with an apple in your mouth, I'd say four hours.
Hey, happy Thanksgiving.
Hi! Happy Thanksgiving.
Molly, I'd like you to meet my special lady, Christina.
Christina, this is Molly.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Hi, Nana.
Hey, sweetie.
Where's Mike? Oh, he's been upstairs all morning.
Oh, yeah, the diet thing.
You want me to talk to him? Would you? I-I don't think he's ready to talk to me.
Oh, yeah, it'll be fine.
I'll be right back.
And if that old woman starts to tell Christina the story about me and the blind girl at Bible camp, knock the drink out her hand and come get me.
Will do.
Right after I hear the story.
Come on in.
Oh, no.
Hawaiian shirt and sweatpants.
Why don't you just put on a muumuu and be done with it? It's not a big deal.
It's supposed to be a casual gathering.
Yeah, but we ain't playing ukuleles and juggling fire sticks.
All right, I may have put on a couple of pounds, but trust me, Friday morning I'm back in the saddle.
The way you're going, by Friday morning you're gonna be wearing a saddle.
Carl, please don't tell Molly.
She lost three pounds last week and all I lost was a nutter butter I dropped in the shower.
Eating in the shower again? But I thought things were going so good.
I've never been happier in my life.
And because of that I think I may have let my guard down a little.
So you put on a few pounds and that made you feel guilty, which caused you to eat more.
Exactly.
Next thing you know, I'm hiding snack cakes in my gym shoes and dressing like Don Ho-Bo.
Wait, you actually went out and bought gym shoes? Hey, that's good cardio in and of itself.
Carl, Bible camp.
Gotta go.
Hey, nice outfit.
You want to borrow my coconut bra? There's something I need to tell you.
Have a seat.
Hope you're not seeing another woman because we don't have any more chairs downstairs.
I'm not having an affair.
But I have been sneaking around and hiding something from you.
You've fallen off your diet.
You know? Of course I know.
I spend every day with you.
I sleep with you.
I put my arms around you.
And you figured out your arms aren't getting any shorter? No.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Mike, the only thing that disappointed me was that you didn't feel that you could come talk to me about it.
I didn't want you to think I was weak.
And especially since you're doing so good.
Yeah, for now.
But just last month I ate a whole bag of my sister's cheetos while I was watching the Chicago marathon.
She really needs to put a lock on that munchie drawer.
She really needs to quit smoking pot.
You know, one of the perks of this whole relationship thing is that you get to tell the other person everything.
You want to hear the best part? What? They never stop loving you.
Listen, everyone, Mike and I are going to go out for a little while.
Just enjoy yourselves.
When the oven dings, take the Turkey out.
Based on this group, that's probably gonna fall on you.
Got it.
And don't worry about saving anything for me.
I've been a little remiss in my diet.
Oh, and Harry, the secret's out.
I told her everything.
Did you tell her about our baby Chadwick and the room full of gay men? I'll explain it in the car.
Oh Where are you two going? We're going to an O.
A meeting.
It's Thanksgiving.
Yeah, well, I've been celebrating the holiday for a while now.
Hey, you want to take some banana pudding for the drive over? Wow.
Really? No thanks, mom.
You're gonna have to figure out a different way to show me your love.
How the hell am I supposed to do that? All right, I took the cone off.
No chewing your ass.
You okay? A little shaky.
Right here with you, pal.
All right, does anyone else want to share? Hi, my name's Mike and I'm an overeater.
Hi, Mike.