Roseanne s02e09 Episode Script

POOR LITTLE BIRD.
THEY PROBABLY HUNG YOU UP BY YOUR TOES IN A DARK ROOM SOMEWHERE TILL IT WAS TIME TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD.
WELL, STOP COMPLAINING! MY HEADACHE'S JUST BEGINNING.
HERE I AM, STUFFING BREADCRUMBS UP A DEAD BIRD'S BUTT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
OH, THERE'S YOUR AUNT JACKIE NOW.
10 BUCKS SAYS SHE FORGOT YOUR CRANBERRY SAUCE.
HI.
I'M NOT UP YET.
I DROVE OVER HERE IN FIRST GEAR.
DID YOU BRING? ONE CAN FOR 12 PEOPLE? WELL, I WON'T HAVE ANY.
I WON'T HAVE ANY.
WANT ME TO GO BACK TO THE STORE? I'LL GO BACK.
NO, NO.
WHEN MOM CALLS FOR THE 20th TIME TO SEE WHAT SHE CAN BRING, I'LL JUST TELL HER.
IT'LL MAKE HER DAY.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF INVITING SOMEBODY OVER THIS AFTERNOON-- FOR WHAT? YOU KNOW.
OH, SO MOM WILL THINK YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY AND GET OFF YOUR CASE? YES.
IF SHE STARTS WITH ME TODAY-- WELL, DON'T LET HER.
AND DON'T YOU START WITH HER, NEITHER.
I DON'T START WITH HER! YOU START WITH HER CONSTANTLY.
AND YOU CONSTANTLY TAKE HER SIDE.
WHENEVER YOU'RE AROUND MOM, YOU TURN INTO A SPINELESS, COWERING WIMP.
OH, PLEASE! YOU'RE A WIMP, ROSEANNE.
WIMP, WIMP, WIMP! HEY, HEY, HEY.
AT LEAST I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MOM.
OH, HERE WE GO! YOU DIDN'T EVEN CALL HER ON HER BIRTHDAY.
OH, GOD, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HER.
"YOU DON'T CALL, YOU DON'T WRITE, YOU NEVER TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!" WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING.
GO BACK TO SLEEP.
I HEARD ALL THE YELLING AND THOUGHT MAYBE YOUR PARENTS GOT HERE.
I JUST WANT THIS TO BE A NICE THANKSGIVING.
IT WILL BE.
I WANT EVERYBODY TO GET ALONG.
EVERYBODY WILL BE FINE.
THINK IT'S TOO EARLY FOR A BLOODY MARY? [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
I'LL GET IT, IT'S JIMMY! HELLO? OH, HI, GRANDMA.
YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
OH, HI, MA.
YEAH, YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU CAN PICK ME UP TWO CANS OF THAT CRANBERRY SAUCE.
YOU KNOW, THE JELLY KIND THAT COMES IN A CAN LIKE WE HAVE EVERY YEAR.
YEAH, JACKIE COMES OVER AND BRINGS ONE CAN FOR 12 PEOPLE, AND IT'S ALL DENTED.
YEAH, NO, I DON'T NEED A GRAVY BOAT, JUST THE CRANBERRY SAUCE, MA.
NO, JUST THE CRANBERRY SAUCE.
NO, I HAVE ROLLS, MOM.
MOM.
MOM! JUST THE CRANBERRY SAUCE.
OK, THANKS.
OH! THE SIX IS STARTING TO COME OFF.
GOOD, THEN I CAN BURN THAT SHIRT.
SHIRT.
SHE CALLED IT A SHIRT.
THIS JERSEY HAPPENS TO REPRESENT TRADITION.
YEAH, 17 YEARS OF YOU ROLLING AROUND IN THE MUD LIKE A GREAT BIG OLD HOG EVERY THANKSGIVING.
I THINK THE QUESTION HERE TODAY IS-- CAN DAMAGING DAN CONNER STOP THE PASSING ATTACK OF ONE DR.
ZAK BEIRMAN? I THINK I CAN.
WELL-- MAYBE YOU CAN WARM UP, YOU KNOW, START BY MOVING THE COUCH A COUPLE FEET SO I CAN SET UP THE KIDS' TABLE.
RED RIGHT! RED RIGHT! HUT! AAH! AAH! HEY, I MAY NEED YOU TO DO THAT TO MY MOM LATER ON TONIGHT.
I'D LOVE TO.
I ALSO NEED YOU TO GO OUT TO THE GARAGE, BRING IN A COUPLE CHAIRS, YOU KNOW, AND WIPE THEM OFF.
OK, BECKY! DARLENE! SIS! LET'S GO! I'M READY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO.
I JUST DON'T THINK TODAY'S A GOOD DAY FOR YOU TO DROP THE BOMB ABOUT YOU BEING A COP.
WHY NOT? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE MOM DROP DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK AT THE DINNER TABLE.
WHY NOT? WISH ME LUCK.
OK.
HIT 'EM HIGH, HIT 'EM LOW.
BRING ME BACK SOME ICE.
ROSEANNE.
WHY SHOULDN'T I TELL MOM ABOUT ME BECOMING A COP? SHE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING THAT I NEVER TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY LIFE.
OH, JACKIE, PLEASE.
I JUST WANT, LIKE, ONE THANKSGIVING WITHOUT ALL THE INSANITY.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA AVOID THAT? THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR 24, COUNT THEM, BECAUSE I'VE TAKEN CARE OF IT.
THEY'RE STAYING IN A MOTEL.
NO.
THREE WEEKS AGO, I MADE THEM A RESERVATION AT THE LANFORD MOTEL.
NO.
I REQUESTED A PADDED ROOM WITH A VIEW.
WHAT'D MOM SAY? WELL I HAVEN'T EXACTLY TOLD HER YET.
DIDN'T EXACTLY TELL HER YET! YOU KNOW, I GOT THE NICEST CARD FROM ED.
ED CONNER? SENT YOU A CARD? MM-HMM.
FROM THE GRAND CANYON.
WHAT DID IT SAY? OH, JUST STUFF.
YOU KNOW.
I THINK THAT'S SICK.
WELL, I DON'T THINK IT'S SICK.
I THINK IT'S NICE.
ED'S KNOWN CRYSTAL SINCE SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL.
WELL, IT'S JUST A POSTCARD, JACKIE.
IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S COMING ON TO HER OR NOTHING.
IS HE? NO.
THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! GRANDMA KISS ALERT.
GET YOUR PAPER TOWELS READY.
I'M GONNA GO CHECK THE TURKEY.
CHICKEN.
MOM, DAD! SIS! OH, HEY! HOW ARE YOU, DARLING? THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, FINE.
LOOK AT MY GIRLS.
THEY'RE PRACTICALLY WOMEN.
JACKIE, GET OUT HERE! HI.
BIG HELLO, JACKIE! HI.
HI, MOM.
SO YOU GUYS NEED ANY HELP BRINGING IN THE BAGS? YEAH.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WE WILL JUST HOLD ON THE BAGS FOR LATER.
CAN I GET YOU GUYS A DRINK? OH, I NEED A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN.
I'LL GET THAT.
WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG IS I SPENT TWO HOURS IN THE CAR WITH THIS WOMAN, AND EVERY EXIT WE PASS ON THE ENTIRE INTERSTATE, SHE SAYS TO ME, "YOU DON'T WANT THAT EXIT.
" SOMETIMES HE TAKES A WRONG TURN.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SISTER'S HAIR? NOTHING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR? ARE YOU BASTING EVERY HALF-HOUR? IF YOU DON'T BASTE EVERY HALF-HOUR, THE MEAT'LL DRY OUT.
YOU'RE COOKING IT BREAST UP? YEAH, I'M COOKING IT BREAST UP.
THAT'S OK.
WELL IT WON'T BE AS JUICY.
WHAT DID YOU BUY, LOOKS SMALL FOR 30.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CLIMB IN THERE AND WEIGH IT.
HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE WE? UH13.
LET'S SEE, THERE'S US FOUR, DAN, FOUR KIDS, CRYSTAL, AUDREY-- AUDREY? GOOD LORD, WE HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN GOSH, HOW LONG'S IT BEEN, AL? EIGHT YEARS, FOUR MONTHS, AND THREE DAYS.
REALLY? SO, YOU DIDN'T INVITE ANYONE.
NO.
YOU KNOW ME, MOM, ALL MY BOYFRIENDS LIKE TO SPEND THANKSGIVING WITH THEIR WIVES.
COME ON, YOU TWO, STOP IT.
STOP WHAT? WE'RE TALKING.
HOW YOU DOING? EVERYBODY'S IN THE KITCHEN.
LOOK WHO I FOUND! HEY, ED! HEY, YOU! HOW ARE YOU? IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HI, BEV, JACKIE.
GORGEOUS, HOW YOU DOING? HEY! I'M DOING FINE, YOU GREAT BIG HUNK OF CHARM.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS? WELL, D.
J.
's OUT IN THE GARAGE.
AND THE GIRLS ARE HIDING OUT UPSTAIRS.
WATCH THIS.
HEY, KIDS! I GOT NOTHING FOR YOU! D.
J.
! GRANDMA AND GRANDPA ARE HERE! MY MOM HERE YET? NO, BUT YOUR DAD'S HERE.
MAYBE I SHOULD GET CLEANED UP FIRST.
AT LEAST COME IN AND SAY HELLO FIRST.
HELLO! DANNY, COME HERE! DARLENE, THIS IS FOR YOU.
GRANDPA, YOU WANT TO SEE MY FORT? OF COURSE I WANT TO SEE YOUR FORT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I COME AROUND HERE FOR? TO GIVE YOU PRESENTS? AH AH AH, NO NO NO.
THIS ONE IS YOURS, AND YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT DOES, OK? DANNY WHOA! WHOA! HOW ARE YOU DOING, SON? I'M GOOD, DAD, HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.
I HEAR YOUR MOTHER'S COMING.
YEAH, ROSEANNE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.
YEAH.
WELL, UH, HOW'S SHE DOING? OH, SHE'S GREAT.
THE TRAVEL AGENCY'S REALLY BOOMING.
YOUR MOTHER'S WORKING AS A TRAVEL AGENT NOW? DAD, SHE STARTED HER OWN AGENCY TWO YEARS AGO.
GOOD FOR HER.
WELL, I THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
SHE SHOULDN'T SPEND THANKSGIVING ALONE.
UH, BECKY.
WE GOT A BECKY HERE? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
IT'S OPEN.
HELLO, HELLO! HI, MOM.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, AUDREY.
HELLO, ED.
HOW ARE YOU? AAH! ROSEANNE! THERE'S MY GIRL.
HI.
HI, SWEETHEART.
HI.
ROSE, I GOT TO APOLOGIZE UP FRONT.
I BROUGHT A DATE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN ASK FIRST.
WELL, WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE? UH, AUDREY HI.
EVERYONE, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, JAY BRYANT.
JAY, THIS IS MY FAMILY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND AN EXTRA PERSON FOR DINNER.
OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
PLEASURE'S MINE.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE NEVER DINED WITH US BEFORE.
SO, WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS GUY? HE FOUND ME.
I SENT HIM AND HIS WIFE ON A CRUISE.
YOU KNOW, TO SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE.
I SENT THEM TO THE CARIBBEAN DURING HURRICANE SEASON.
THEY DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
ROSIE.
I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR FATHER VERY HAPPY.
YOU SHOULD ASK HIM TO CARVE THE TURKEY.
HOW YOU BOYS DOING IN HERE? MUCH BETTER NOW THAT YOU ARE HERE.
WHY, THANK YOU, ED.
CAN I GET ANYBODY A DRINK? NOT ME, HONEY, I'VE GOT TO START WATCHING THIS FIGURE.
I'LL TAKE ONE, HONEY.
HOW ABOUT ANOTHER BOURBON, NEAT? VODKA ROCKS WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED.
GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU NEED A HAND, CRYSTAL? SHE'S GOT ONE.
I REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS JUST A SKINNY LITTLE KID.
SHE'S FILLED OUT NICE THOUGH, HUH, DANNY? DID I MEET HER HUSBAND? SHE'S DIVORCED.
TWICE, THEN WIDOWED.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A MAN WAS MEANT TO BE MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN ALL OF HIS LIFE.
BUT I'M NOT A MAN.
I'M A ROBOT.
DAN! ONE SECOND.
HONEY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
I GUARANTEE IT, THE MINUTE I GET UP, THERE'S GOING TO BE A 90-YARD TOUCHDOWN RUN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? UH, IS IT OK IF MY DAD CARVES THE TURKEY THIS YEAR? GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR, AL.
NO.
NO, IT'S NOT OK.
THIS IS MY HOUSE, MY FAMILY, I'M THE DAD.
I BOUGHT THE TURKEY, I PAID FOR THE TURKEY, I'LL CARVE THE TURKEY.
OH, NO.
THAT'S JUST STUPID.
BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, IT'S OUR HOUSE.
AND SECOND OF ALL, I COOKED THE DAMN BIRD.
I'LL CARVE IT.
I LIKED THE PART WHEN THE GUY'S FACE MELTED OFF.
OH, GROSS ME OUT.
UGH! EW! WELL, YOU SAID TO GROSS YOU OUT.
YOU KNOW, I THINK MAINE IS PROBABLY THE PRETTIEST SPOT ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.
SO KIM GREENE HAS THREE KIDS.
WHAT'S THE POINT? NOTHING.
I'M JUST SAYING-- BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU'RE SAYING IT.
I WANNA KNOW WHY YOU'RE SITTING HERE-- SHE'S TALKING TO ME ABOUT KIM GREENE! ROSE, WHY IS SHE LOSING HER TEMPER? I DON'T KNOW, MOM, MAYBE YOU'RE DRIVING HER NUTS.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW, WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING ME THAT KIM GREENE IS MARRIED WITH THREE KIDS? WHAT'S IT MEAN? IT MEANS THAT SHE'S HAD SEX AT LEAST 3 TIMES SINCE SHE'S BEEN MARRIED.
HE WANTED TO SIT WITH US.
MAJOR BODY ODOR.
TWICE IF SHE HAD TWINS, OR ONCE IF SHE HAD TRIPLETS.
ALL, YOU'RE BEING FILTHY! OR IT'S POSSIBLE THEY NEVER HAD SEX AND YOUR MOTHER'S MAKING UP THIS WHOLE THING.
THAT'S WHAT I THINK, DADDY.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE.]
WHY ARE YOU READING SO MUCH INTO IT? I JUST TOLD YOU A SIMPLE FACT.
IF YOU WANT TO WASTE YOUR LIFE LIVING ALONE AND WORKING IN A BAR, FINE.
I'M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
I'M NOT WASTING MY LIFE, MOM! I JUST SPENT SIX WEEKS AT THE POLICE TRAINING ACADEMY IN SPRINGFIELD.
SPRINGFIELD? WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN SPRINGFIELD? WHAT'D YOU NEED, TIRES? NO.
I WAS BECOMING A COP, AND I AM NOW A ROOKIE POLICEWOMAN FOR THE LANFORD POLICE FORCE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT? YEAH, I'VE BEEN HEARING IT MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN SHE BECAME A POLICEWOMAN? HOW COULD SHE DO SOMETHING SO IMPULSIVE? SO RECKLESS, SO DANGEROUS? SHE COULD GET KILLED OR MAIMED.
ROSEANNE, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? I GUESS SO.
THEN WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME? I DON'T KNOW, MA.
MAYBE SHE THOUGHT YOU WOULD TAKE IT BAD.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.
OH, THAT IS JUST WHAT I LOVE ABOUT OUR FAMILY.
WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING, SO WE BRING IT UP AT THE DINNER TABLE.
MORE TURKEY? COME ON, DEEJ, HURRY UP.
I CAN HARDLY KEEP MY EYES OPEN.
THERE'S SOME KIND OF CHEMICAL IN TURKEY-- TRYPTOPHAN.
YEAH, GOD, THAT STUFF PUTS YOU TO SLEEP.
YEAH, IT CAN'T BE THEM FOUR BEERS.
HEY, I AIN'T DRIVING ANYWHERE.
PIPE DOWN.
I AM GOING TO EXPLODE.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MAKE YOU A NICE TURKEY SANDWICH? OH! HOW CAN YOU EVEN TALK ABOUT FOOD? 'CAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT SEX, AND WHAT ELSE IS THERE? HOW YOU DOING, SWEETHEART? I'M DOING REAL GOOD, MAMA.
REAL GOOD.
HOW'S THE BUSINESS? PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JAY? I THINK WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
YOU MAKE ME HAPPY.
LOSE 50 POUNDS AND CUT YOUR HAIR.
SEE YOU LATER, MR.
CONNER.
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
OK, JIM.
GET HOME SAFE.
ALL RIGHT.
BYE.
BYE.
ROSE, I THINK THAT JIMMY FELLA'S NICE.
WHAT SORT OF NAME IS MELTREIGER? IS HE EPISCOPALIAN? WELL, HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD BOY.
MAYBE HE HAS AN OLDER BROTHER FOR YOUR SISTER.
HEY, LITTLE LADY, LET ME DO THAT.
OH, THANKS, ED.
LONNIE, LET'S GO! YOU LEAVING ALREADY, CRYSTAL? WELL, YOUR FAMILY'S HERE, YOU NEED TO VISIT.
EVERYTHING WAS JUST SO GOOD.
HONEY, WILL YOU HELP ME WITH THE CHAIRS? WE GOT THEM.
HEY, I GOT THIS TABLE.
WELL, THAT'S REAL SWEET, ED.
BYE NOW.
BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE.
NICE SEEING YOU, ED.
YEAH, YOU, TOO, HONEY.
UH, LOOK IS THIS GUY TREATING YOU RIGHT? COMPARED TO WHO? YEAH.
WELL I BETTER TRY TO CATCH UP.
DANIEL! ROSE, WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE, WE'RE GOING TO SHOVE OFF NOW.
WE LOVE YOU.
IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
YEAH, TAKE CARE.
GOOD MEETING YOU, MAN.
GOOD-BYE.
IT WAS GREAT, THANKS A LOT.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELL, I'LL WALK YOU GUYS OUT TO THE CAR.
AL, GIVE DAN OUR KEYS.
HE CAN BRING OUR BAGS IN.
WAIT A SECOND.
DAN THINKS SO, DAN AND I THINK A MOTEL MAKES MORE SENSE FOR EVERYONE.
I'M GOING TO GO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
I MADE RESERVATIONS FOR YOU AT THE LANFORD MOTEL.
A MOTEL? I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING.
THAT'S WHERE JAY AND I ARE STAYING.
MAYBE WE'LL HAVE BREAKFAST TOGETHER.
GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART.
BYE, MOM.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
ROSEANNE, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT US TO STAY OVER, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING? WELL, I TRIED.
THIS IS SO LAST MINUTE.
I WOULD'VE PACKED A DIFFERENT NIGHTGOWN.
SHE'S LIKE A BALLPLAYER.
SHE HAS HOME AND AWAY UNIFORMS.
WELL, I JUST HOPE THE HEAT WORKS IN THIS MOTEL.
YOUR FATHER'S BEEN FIGHTING THE FLU.
WELL, YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW, DO YOU? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO HAVE MORE COFFEE? HA, AS IT IS, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP.
I HATE MOTELS, BUT THAT'S OK.
COME ON, HONEY, YOU'LL HAVE A HOT BATH, I'LL READ THE NEWSPAPER TO YOU, THEN YOU CAN KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT.
YOU GUYS ON YOUR WAY? WE'RE GOING TO A MOTEL! GOOD CHOICE.
HEY, UH, DANNY.
LOOK, I'M GONNA SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW, RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU TAKING OFF? I'M JUST GOING DOWN TO CRYSSY'S YOU KNOW, AND HELP HER AND THE KIDS IN WITH THAT FURNITURE.
ARE YOU COMING BACK? I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE CRYSTAL ALONE? WHY? 'CAUSE I ASKED YOU TO.
YOU GOT SOMETHING GOING ON WITH HER? THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? ARE WE TALKING MAN TO MAN HERE OR WHAT? HEY, I'M A MARRIED MAN.
WELL, I'M NOT A MARRIED MAN AT THE MOMENT.
AND BEING ALONE IS A LOT FOR TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE IN COMMON.
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, SON, AND I HOPE TO GOD YOU NEVER DO.
SEE YOU TOMORROW? YEAH, POP, I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
ARE YOU OK? YEAH, I'M OK.
HOW YOU DOING? I THINK I'M OK.
YOU KNOW, I GOT A CRUSH ON YOU.
YOU BETTER.
ARE THEY GONE? YES, THEY'RE GONE, YOU COWERING WIMP.
YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU WITH THE KITCHEN? NO, I'M NOT DOING NOTHING UNTIL TOMORROW 'CAUSE I'M JUST EXHAUSTED.
OK, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
YEAH, WHAT TIME? OH, S-- NOON OK? YEAH, OK.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT ME TO PACK YOU UP SOME STUFF? NO, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
HOW COULD I SEND THEM TO A MOTEL? NO, I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, OR I'LL JUST DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY AND FINISH THAT PUMPKIN PIE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
LOOK AT THEM IN THERE.
LAYING AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF BEACHED WHALES.
AND THEY'RE ALL MINE.
AND FOR THIS, I AM TRULY THANKFUL.
OF COURSE, I'D TRADE ANY ONE OF THEM FOR A DISHWASHER.
HOW ARE YOU DOING, BIRDIE? YOU LOOK LIKE I FEEL.
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL WHAT DOES SHE MEAN SHE BECAME A POLICEWOMAN? HOW COULD SHE DO SOMETHING SO IMPULSIVE, SO RECKLESS, SO DANGEROUS? SHE COULD GET KILLED AND MAIMED! ROSEANNE, DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? YEAH, I GUESS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME? I DON'T KNOW, MA.
MAYBE SHE THOUGHT YOU'D TAKE IT BAD.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE! [SOBBING.]
WELL, THAT'S JUST WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS FAMILY.
IF WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING, WE BRING IT UP AT THE DINNER TABLE.
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TURKEY!