Rules of Engagement s02e09 Episode Script

Jeff, can you get that? Hey.
Hey, bro.
Can I borrow your inflatable mattress for my mom's visit? Yeah, sure, it's in the hall closet.
Actually I'm running to the airport to get her.
Can you- Can you bring it over? I'm sorry, did we get married when I wasn't looking? It's just that, you know, Jen's meeting my mom for the first time.
It's- It's pretty exciting.
How so? Well, I just think she's lucky she's not getting one of those meddling mother-in-laws.
I mean my mom's really cool.
I'm, uh, sure it'll go smoothly.
I'll bring the bed over.
Ah.
Hey, thanks.
"My mom's really cool.
" Kid's priceless.
Hey, the TV's not working.
Did you touch the remote? Not since I saw you scratching yourself with it.
Oh.
Check the bedroom TV, I'll call the satellite company.
Let's go.
Oh, great, a recording.
Bedroom's not working either.
"Technical difficulties"? What did I call, the 1960s? How hard can it be to keep a satellite in geosynchronous orbit with the Earth to receive and send images to a dish outside of our window? I mean that's so difficult.
Honey.
There are plenty of other things we can do besides watch TV.
All right, maybe "plenty" was a reach.
This is like an episode of The Twilight Zone, a show I wish I could watch right now.
DVD? I am not watching Braveheart again.
How about we have a little conversation? Sure.
My favorite part is when Mel Gibson keeps yelling "freedom.
" * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * Hey, guys.
Hey.
We brought the inflatable bed.
Yes, we brought it.
Thanks.
Just put it back there.
Hey you guys have old-timey cable, not satellite, right? Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
So you nervous about meeting Adam's mom? No, Fay and I have talked on the phone.
She's really nice.
Oh, yeah.
All mothers-in-law seem that way.
Then you meet 'em face to face, and it's showdown at My Little Boy Corral.
There's an oldie but goody.
After growing up with four brothers, it'll be great to have a female in the family.
I'm so excited to do girl stuff, like go shopping and talk about the wedding.
Oh, great idea.
Yeah.
Let her hijack the wedding before the date's even set.
She didn't hijack- Nothing.
Fay's not like that.
She lives in Sedona, she's new-agey and creative.
I bet she'll have some really cool ideas.
Still gave birth to Adam.
Yeah.
She's gonna be judging everything you do.
And trust me, nothing will ever be right.
Well, it's great that it doesn't still bother you.
Hey.
We're here.
Jen, this is my mom.
It's so nice to meet you, Fay.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh.
Oh.
Man, I wish I had a camera.
We have a camera.
Yeah.
I wish I hadn't broken the camera.
Uh, hey, Mom.
These are our friends from down the hall.
That's, uh, Audrey and Jeff.
Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
Audrey! Okay, we're doing this.
Hi.
And Jeff.
Easy, lady.
Ah.
Okay.
It is so nice to meet all of you.
And Jen, Adam's father really wanted to come, but he's on the second day of his colon cleanse.
And you wouldn't want him here on day three.
Hey, Mom.
Uh, what do you think about the apartment? Jen did all the decorating.
Well, it's, uh not really an apartment.
It isn't? No.
What you've created here is a home.
And Adam has never looked happier or healthier.
And that's all you.
Oh.
Thanks, Fay.
Oh, how was your flight? Ugh.
Nightmare city.
Heh.
At the airport, the security chick got real frisky with me.
And, you know, I mean, sure, I've gone that way, but get to know me first, right? Look at 'em.
It's like they belong together.
Yeah.
Like my thumb and a remote.
Now I'm sad.
Hey, man.
How's it going? Keith Partridge called.
He wants his shirt back.
I got it from your mother.
Hey, watch it.
No, literally, I got it from your mother.
She gave it to me as a birthday present.
What is it with you and my mom? Oh.
If I had a dime for every time I heard that question.
You've only met her a couple of times, you act like you've known her all your life.
I'll lay it on the line.
Fay's the mom I never had.
But you have a mom.
But yours is better.
And she's so warm and caring, and she accepts me for who I am.
When I was born, my mom demanded a DNA test.
Oh, there she is.
Fay! How's my little "Russell-ing" leaf? Ah.
Oh.
Oh, my shirt.
I wasn't sure if a child's large would fit, but it does.
Ha-ha.
Like a child's large glove.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Mom.
Hey, how was the rally? Oh, fantastic.
Climate change is pushing the polar bear towards extinction.
Ooh, really? I did not hear that on Entertainment Tonight.
Yeah.
And who'll help the polar bears if we don't? Oh.
Not the black bear.
They're all, like, "Yo, take that, whitey.
" Oh, and I met some really, really interesting people, who invited me to join them at a spontaneous public art project.
Ooh.
Well, would you like to join me? Oh, I'd- I'd love to, but we have to work.
You mean you have to work, Mr.
Corporate Sellout.
Yeah, we work together.
Ah, yeah, I'm gonna need you to stay late and pick up my slack.
Hey, I found someone to cover for me.
I can go.
Oh, good.
Hey, I just thought of another one.
Magnum P.
I.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was a good show.
Good stories, good scenery, good mustache.
It's fun thinking of TV shows that are good.
But now I'm gonna go count how many plastic containers we have in the kitchen.
Fourteen.
But only nine lids.
What's up with that? Come on.
There's gotta be something interesting we can do that doesn't involve TV.
Well, you know, we could play Monopoly.
Oh, Monopoly? No way.
You take it way too seriously.
it's just not fun for me.
Well, you know, it's not fun for me to always have to watch you being a sore loser.
Oh, all right.
You're on.
And this time the little shoe is gonna kick the thimble's ass.
I'm not sure the thimble has an ass, but Let's do this.
Ah.
Pennsylvania Avenue home of Jeff's Hotel and Spa a wholly-owned subsidiary of Jeff Co.
Just tell me how much.
Can you really put a price on luxury? How much? Well $1400.
Well, I only have 1200.
Love to let you slide, but corporate's been riding me about comps.
But, you know, I'd say that, uh, shirt and bra are worth the 200.
I don't think so.
But I do think it was kind of dumb of you not to get earthquake insurance for your properties.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Looks like it's gonna be a big one.
Okay.
Now it's fun.
Four hundred bucks.
Four hundred bucks for the shirt and the bra.
Oh, here's a film I've been dying to see.
Oh, great.
Hey, let's- Let's all go tonight.
Me and my two most special ladies, out for a night on the town.
Sounds fun.
Let's do it.
Okay, I'll just take a quick shower, and then I'll be ready to split.
Okay.
"Split?" Far out, man.
Isn't she great? She is a trip.
I knew you'd love her.
Oh.
Where's my head at? Oh, don't mind me.
I just forgot my loofa and my kelp shampoo.
Oh! Here they are.
Yup.
There they are.
That was nice.
Solid outing, honey.
See? Life without TV isn't so bad.
We got back from work, we ate dinner, talked, played a game, and we had sex.
Oh, what time is it? Ten after 7.
Trebek's wrapping up the first round on Jeopardy.
What is this blows? I'll get it.
No, let me get it.
I'll get it.
Hello? Is it the satellite company? It's Jennifer.
Jennifer from the satellite company? From down the hall.
Ask her what's going on in the outside world.
Has the country gone metric yet? What? No, it hasn't.
Still not metric.
Ha.
Suck on that, Europe.
Anyway, Fay's not judging me, but she's kind of weird.
She thinks it's okay to walk around the apartment naked in front of us.
Really? Naked? How's her body? Smokin'.
But Adam didn't even flinch, so, you know, I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if, uh- Oh, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
Hey.
Hey.
Wow.
Prime location.
It's a documentary about Che Guevara.
I didn't exactly have to put a sweater over a seat.
Where's your mom and Russell? Still getting popcorn.
Mom's talking to the manager about the trans fat in the butter.
Well, I hope she doesn't see my nachos.
The ingredients are "chemical" and "yellow.
" Come here.
Oh.
Oh.
What? Oh.
You're a little, you know, B.
O.
- y.
Did you use deodorant? Oh, yeah, I used this, uh, natural stuff Mom gave me.
Do you know there's aluminum in the kind we use? Yeah, I believe it acts as a stink shield.
Well, this deodorant is better for the world.
Not the world downwind of you.
So you don't really think it's weird that your mom walks around naked? No, not at all.
I mean, it's how I grew up.
Everyone comes into the world naked.
Yes.
And then we go to Macy's.
Oh.
The manager ignored me.
I only wish I could show him pictures of people's arteries after they eat that popcorn.
I didn't get any popcorn.
So, Fay, I thought tomorrow we could head out for our big fun day of shopping around 11? Oh, man, I- I totally spaced.
I- I know we made plans but I can't go.
I got really involved with this art project.
Oh, that's too bad.
I wanted to show you some wedding things.
Oh, honey.
You and Adam don't have a date set yet, do you? No, but don't worry.
When we do set one, I'm really excited to have you involved in all the planning.
Well, you guys are so great together.
To be really honest, I'm totally cool if you don't ever get married.
Huh? I mean, you guys are already living together.
You don't need government permission.
I mean, who- Who needs a piece of paper to prove anything? I kind of do.
And I thought Adam did.
I mean, no disrespect to you, I know you and Shep never got married.
That's true, but we had a wonderful Navajo ceremony.
Oh, I thought that picture of you in the squaw outfit was from a carnival.
Mm, with the peyote, it sure felt like it.
All right.
Got you all set up in our bedroom.
Oh, thanks, baby.
Mm-hm.
I- I think I'm gonna crash now.
Good night, Mom.
Good night.
Oh.
And I know it's a small apartment and sound really carries, but feel free to make love.
It won't bother me at all.
I was at Woodstock.
You heard the woman.
Come on.
Yes, I did.
And eww! I am not doing it with your mom in the next room listening.
Oh, and if you want, there's a book on tantric sex in my carryon.
Tantric sex? It's okay, Mom.
We're good.
No, we're not good.
We're freaking out.
Shh! Oh, go outside.
God.
Hey.
Why are you being so uptight? You need to mellow out.
Oh, I'll "mellow out" once Nixon gets our troops out of Nam and I spark up a doobie.
Why are you making fun of my mother? Hey.
I have been very patient with her, but you have to admit, she's a little bit kooky.
She's not kooky.
She's passionate.
Not about waxing.
Okay, forget the fact that she backed out of our shopping plans, and she's practically a nudist.
She just told me she doesn't think we need to get married.
She thinks it's just a piece of paper.
Well, technically, she's right.
Oh.
So that's what you think too? Now you agree with Mother Nature? Oh, yeah, like your family's such a treat.
My family? At least my family has a God-fearing love and respect for clothing! Shh! Down the hall.
See that? Couple days without TV, we've put together our honeymoon photo album.
Something we've been meaning to do for 13 years.
More you than me, but it's fun to see the old mullet again.
We used to all sleep in the same bed, because we didn't have any hang-ups.
Hang-ups are good.
I was raised with a dose of shame and guilt, and all that other good Catholic stuff.
Adam and Jennifer are having a huge fight right outside our door.
Oh, this is juicy.
What about your mother and you snuggling in the theater? What's wrong with that? Nothing, in the hills of West Virginia.
Oh, snap.
What about your four animal brothers wrasslin' after dinner in the living room? They were having good, clean fun.
When they pulled you in, almost gave you a concussion? I don't remember that.
What about your family opening Christmas presents a week early? Oh.
We did that to stick it to the Man.
The Man? Who's the Man? Santa? This is my new favorite show.
Oh, God.
I am really psyched about this.
You know, it's one thing to look at art, but it's a whole other trip to be art.
Ha-ha.
Actually, my mother is art.
Her face was sculpted by a plastic surgeon.
True story.
And I really tried.
I wanted to go shopping, she made other plans.
I wanted manicures, she wouldn't because of the chemicals.
She only eats gluten-free foods, and I don't know what gluten is.
But I know I love it.
Well, she certainly is different.
I know, right? No.
I was not backing you up there, sweetie.
I mean, to her, you're different.
The only thing is, she's not judging you.
All right, I get it.
But she doesn't even care if Adam and I get married.
She'd be fine if we lived together forever.
That doesn't mean that's what Adam thinks.
Look, this woman is gonna be your mother-in-law.
You are gonna have to deal with it.
You're right.
And trust me, I would trade her for mine any day.
My mother-in-law treats Jeff's father like a king, which, hm, gives Jeff some pretty hilarious expectations.
I just- I just don't get it.
I mean, growing up, all my friends loved my mother.
Oh, imagine that.
Teenage boys loving a naked woman.
Yeah, but my mom's so nice.
And I can't believe everything about her bugs Jennifer.
I've been married for 13 years, I minored in psychology, let me explain why.
Your mom is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
What? Seems like a nice lady and all, but come on.
Crystals? Burning sage in the lobby? Hugging me? Uh, I see nothing weird about any of that.
Well, that's because you were raised by granola-chompin' tree people.
Look you're not alone.
At first Audrey and my mom didn't get along at all.
Yeah? What'd they fight about? Well, my mother feels that a wife should devote herself to her husband, greet him with a martini when he comes home.
Whereas Audrey is wrong.
Do they get along now? I stay out of it.
The guy who tries to break up the fight always ends up with a knife in his chest.
Everyone's family seems crazy to an outsider.
I mean who opens their Christmas presents the week before? Wait, how do you know about that? Last night's episode of The Adam and Jennifer Show.
The wife and I are big fans.
So, w-what's the theme of this picture? A- are the overcoats supposed to symbolize the conformity of modern something? Only the artist knows.
Okay, people.
Let's do this quickly before security comes.
This is so exciting.
You know, I know we're not related, but whenever we are together, it really feels like One, two, three.
you're my mother.
No! No, no.
Mommy.
Hey.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Hm.
Me too.
Oh, you smell good.
What is that? Aluminum.
Thank you.
So you still wanna get married with a piece of paper and clothing and stuff, right? Yes.
I don't agree with everything my mom thinks, but I still love her, 'cause she's my mom.
You know, I should, uh be more understanding and accept her the way she is.
Oh, she'll grow on you.
Like those mushrooms she used to keep on the windowsill and wouldn't let me eat.
Oh God.
Now that was a good ending.
I wonder what's on next.
Eh, that boring elevator show.
You know, we should full on get a telescope.
That high-rise across the way, that would be like Didn't I tell you we could have fun without TV? Yeah.
We could've even made it as a couple back in the golden age of radio.
Oh, thank the good Lord.
So, what do you want to do the rest of the night? Well, uh satellite's still out.
So we might as well have sex.
Oh.
There's gotta be something else we can do.
Play Monopoly.
Oh, let's go.
Oh, hey, here it is.
With me is avant-garde photographer Bruno.
Bruno, what does your latest work symbolize? Well, it says so many things.
But I think what it really symbolizes is the conformity of modern something.
I knew that was it! That's what I said.
Anyway, I don't think I can look at your mom as my mom anymore.
Oh, just 'cause you saw her naked, you lost the feelings? Oh, I still have feelings.
They're just in a new category.
Don't.
Okay.
Do not.
Train's already left the station, buddy.