South Park s02e09 Episode Script

Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here Phillis? It's so painfully crowded.
Because, people from LA love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them excuse.
No this used to be a quaint little mountain town.
Now look at it! Sushi restaraunts, upscale clothes stores, I tell you Phillis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out.
We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.
That's not a bad idea.
But where? Ok children, I have some very exciting news for you.
Why don't you tell them Mr.
Twigg.
That's right Mr.
Garrison.
The first annual South Park film festival begins today.
Wow, cool! They're not gonna show that stupid ass Godzilla movie are they? No no no Kyle.
These are independent films.
Oh like Independence Day? That sucked ass too.
No dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies.
It's about gay cowboys eating pudding.
No they're not.
Independent films are produced outside the hollywood system.
They're movies without all the glitz and glamor of Hollywood.
Puh, well you show me one independent film that ISN'T about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Once again you have no idea what you're talkin about, fatass! I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet, you skinny bitch! Eric if you call Wendy bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office.
Bitch.
That's it Eric, you.
.
I'm going! Anyway children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.
The first fiml showing is called "Witness to Denial".
And is a sexual exploration piece about 2 women in love.
my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
No no, I wanna shoot the script next month with Demi Moore test.
Well you tell Spielburg he can kiss my ass.
Wow, look at this Johnson.
Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowds.
It's almost like we're a real city.
Can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend.
She's NOT my girlfriend.
Yeah, you really puke on her like that.
Sick Kenny! Damn dude, look at all these people.
I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theatre.
Whatcha doin? Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrited monotary possiblities.
Now I'm gonna sell of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint! What kinda of cookies? Calm down tubby.
They're little cookies with fudge in the middle.
And I call them "Fudge 'Ems.
" I wanna fudgem! I can see the commercial now.
Wife got you down? Boss making you angry? Kids yelling at ya? Well fudge em! Cool! And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "fudge this.
" Oh look one of the natives is selling local foodwares.
How quaint.
This is why I come to these things.
To get away from LA and become one with a more simple culture.
Well perhaps you'd like to try my low calorie cookies, "Go fudge yourself.
" All my all natural, "I don't really give a flying fudge.
" Ooh do you have any tofu or steamed cellery? I would kill for some cous-cous right now.
Cous-goose? Uhhh nevermind.
We brought some food from the natural market in LA.
Cute sign though.
Stan I have two tickets for the opening film at the festival.
Would you like to come with me? Stan, memmememme, hehehehe Shut up Cartman! Sure dude, I mean since we have to write a paper on a film anyway.
It'll be the death of him Kyle.
Mark my words.
It'll be the death of him.
If she holds his hand in that theatre it'll be all over.
Get em while they're hot.
My all new cookies! "I just went and fudged yo mama!" Geezes, he sure ran that one into the ground.
When does this thing start, I hope there's some good previews.
Stan, film festival movies don't usually have previews before them.
They what???? Who are you to judge my womanly soul.
The godess flames that burn in my memory are dark.
Dare you call them dark.
Here lies the goddes truth of my body.
Oh brother.
The godess that cries.
Freedom! Here is the godess truth of my womanly being.
You are my blossom my flame, when we make love it's like the sun is right outside the door.
Then make love to me.
Right now! Dude! I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obsticles in my way.
Bubbly! You need to get to bed it's late! I'm poopies ma! Hurry up! Going dark hand.
Could it be? Mr.
Hankey is that you? Hello? I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens of Los Angeles, are arriving in jobs for the town's first annual film festival.
This is just a small quiet mountain community, where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens.
except for the occasional complete desctruction of the entire town.
And so the excitement level is naturally very high.
Right now the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
It was him dude.
I tell you it was Mr.
Hanky.
Wait, I thought Mr.
Hanky only came at Christmas time.
Well I'm sure it was him.
Look here comes somebody! Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage! Well I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
So how was that movie last night dude? dude you don't even wanna know.
It was about a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding huh? Yeahpretty much.
Yes! The theatre sucks though, they need to get a bigger screen.
They should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Ay! Yeah, but that'd be like I-Max.
Ok ok.
That's enought fatass jokes for this week.
Cartman's ass is so fucking fat that sometimes it takes up the entire projecting room.
Ok that does it.
Screw you guys I'm going home.
Well? I'm gonna just give me a minute.
This is perfect.
Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left.
Not the mess we turned Park City into.
Forgive me for being observant but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town? Yes, and the town after, and the town after that.
Like termites, we will move this festival from town to town, until we have used it up.
And then move on until every quite mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Why? Why would we do such a thing? Because we have to live in LA.
And if we can't live in quite simple peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will! Wait wait wait, zoom into a close up of my face when I do that.
Ready? Then nobody will! That's it.
Children, glad you're here.
I want you to check out my new confectionaries.
I think they're gonna sell right through the roof.
I call them "Chef's salty chocolate balls.
" Are they good? Try em.
Hey these are good! Yeah, I love your salty chocolate balls Chef! There it is again.
There is what again? It's Mr.
Hanky! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble? Where does that grill go? To the sewer dude.
Of course! The sewer! That must be where he is! Come on! Oh man it smells like ass down here.
Of course it smells like ass retard! It's a sewer! What was that? Oh man let's get outta here.
We can't dude, not until we find Mr.
Hankey.
What the hell? Mr.
Garrison? Oh uh.
hello children.
What are you doing in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on? I I was just uh.
hangin out In a sewer? Children do you know how to file a police report? No.
Good.
See you in school.
This is ridiculous.
What the hell are we, the goonies? Yeah, we're the goonies Cartman.
Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid.
Ok that does it.
Screw you guys, I'm home.
Howdy ho boys! I told you guys he'd be here.
Gosh look at ya.
You're all growing up so fast.
Hi Mr.
Hankey, nice to see ya.
Have you all been brushing behind your teeth? Yes.
And using dental floss? Yes.
And washing behind your ears? Yes.
No.
What's the matter Mr.
Hankey? Are you sick? Oh I just got a little cold, that's all.
All these new people in South Park are stressfulin my home.
What do you mean? Well you see boys, the sewer's a fragile ecosystem.
Oh my god.
These new folks in town eat nothing but cous-cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
And that's why you gotta cold? That's why Kyle.
That's why.
Why don't you just ask them to leave? There's only 1 time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmas time.
That's why I need you boys to go for me.
Don't worry Mr.
Hankey.
We'll tell everyone, come on guys! Don't forget to change your sheets once a week! So without further adue, we will begin this amazing film.
It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
Wait stop! Could I have your attention please! Is that Leonardo DeCaprio? Oh wait, that's not him.
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend Mr.
Hankey is getting sicks because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health foods.
Excuse me little boy, what's a Mr.
Hankey? He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer.
But now he's getting sick because his ecosystem is all out of wack because of all the extra poo in the sewer.
If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr.
Hankey's gonna die.
He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.
What a great story! It has everything! This could be the next Free Willy! Great pick son, how much do you want for it? Does it have to be a talking piece of poo.
It could be a crime fighting rabbit, or a lovable turtle.
This could be a great summer movie.
Can we put a monkey in it? The Mr.
Hankey story, is there a fort available for a fall pick? I'd pay a million for this story.
I'd pay 2! Dude, no one even listened to me.
Well, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr.
Hooey story right? Huh? Yeah I guess.
I want you to do a big money deal with me.
All of us? Well, I can see that you're the real brains of the group.
You don't really need those guys do you? Yeah screw those guys, I don't even like them.
That's great kid.
Let's make a deal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the first annual South Park film festival a success.
We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
And I am very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaraunt.
Right here where this library used to stand.
Can they do that? They're Hollywood, they can do anything.
Well? How did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment? They didn't believe me.
They thought I was pitching a movie.
Oh, I, I see.
Well shucks Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin.
We only have 1 option.
I'm gonna take you to the surface.
I can't, the sun will dry me out.
It's the only way to prove that you're real.
But I won't last long up above.
Well you're not gonna last down here either Mr.
Hankey, now come on.
I'm not gonna let you die.
Alright, just let me get my tooth brush.
Come on Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening! Geez, they made that into a movie already? Mr.
Hankey, I can't go on anymore.
I'd lost the fight.
No, I'm not leaving without you.
We started this together, and we're gonna finish it together.
I always thought death was something glorious, but I know that it's not.
It's going over really well.
People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this? Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack.
I'll always love you Mr.
Hankey.
Me me me me meh, me me meh meh.
Oh my god! I found a penny! You bastard! Ok Mr.
Hankey we're out.
How are you doin? It sure is dry up here.
Don't worry.
We'll do this quick ok.
Just hang on Mr.
Hankey, just hang on.
Mr.
Film Commisioner, could I have a word with you? Make it quick.
Well the people of my town are a little upset.
I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town.
Right, so we were actually wondering, if we can call this whole thing off.
We have contracts.
You try to pull out now, we'll sue your town for every penny it's got.
But thanks so much for the hard work.
But, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty.
You told me the movie made a lot of money.
Right.
Two million, minus your agence fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee with publicity and taxes taken out, you get 3 dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me.
Serves you right Cartman, you're a sellout.
I'm not a sellout!!! What's a sellout? If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout.
It's all goin to hell children.
And we're all to blame.
Even me! I was selling out my town too.
And now look at it.
So what do we do now? There's nothing we can do.
Just sit here and suck on my balls.
You guys we have to hurry.
What? Come on, everything's gonna be ok! Sir, sir! Not now.
I think it'll change the way you feel about your impact here.
What's this? I want you guys to all meet my friend.
That's great kid, a dried up lump of shit.
Very compelling.
Ok folks let's move.
We gotta have that sign done before the opening tonight.
You can't die Mr.
Hankey, you can't! Kyle, before I go, I must tell you.
Come closer.
Closer.
Well, what is it Mr.
Hankey? Don't ask for another skywalker.
Eh.
Noooo!!! Wait Kyle.
What is it Mr.
Hankey? Come closer What is it? Closer Yes? Closer! One time, when you were sleepin, I put myself in your mouth, and had my friend take a picture.
Eh.
Noooo!!!! Nooo!!!! I'm sorry son.
Let's get him to ICU.
Nooo! No! You gonna be ok dude? I'm here for you.
Hi Stan, ready to go see another movie? Ok! Say Tom, doya have any pudding left? I ate all mine up silly.
Well now what do we do? Sorry.
Why don't we explore our sexuality? Oh good idea.
Let's.
Aww dude I shouldn't be seeing this! Is there a problem young man? No problem dude.
I'll never forget you.
You were my best friend after Stan.
Come on Kyle.
It's time to go.
Chef, does poo go to heaven? Well.
II kinda hope not.
I mean, sure it does.
Here, I'll give him one of my salty balls to take with him to poo heaven.
Come on, let's go.
He's back, he's back! That was delicious! My salty chocolate balls must've rejuvinated him! You got the best balls in the whole world Chef! You damn right.
Come on out and get them here! Mr.
Hankey and me T-Shirts! Get them while they last folks! They're only $14.
95! I'll take two! Selling T-shirts kicks ass.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this gala opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year.
And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain! I give you, Hollywood in South Park! Wait! I brought him! I brought him to show you! Aww not this again.
Behold, Mr.
Hankey! Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place Howdy ho folks, I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right.
There's not enough room in South Park to accomodate a festival.
Mr.
Poo if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman.
If you could just turn yourself down.
You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about 3 ok? Uh folks please.
Little towns like this simply aren't meant for big advance.
We love having visitors, but golly, too many of you, is hurtin our ecosystem.
Besides folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin, or what film is gonna get shown.
It should be about people gettin together, and watching movies, and about people who can never get their movies seen get a chance to have it watched.
If only once.
A good film festival should be something where we all say "Oh let's forget about lawyers, and exits, and studios, and celebrities.
Let''s forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art.
" I.
have had enough.
.
of YOU! Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of films.
Oh ohoh! He's dead! Mr.
Hankey's dead! Well this worked once before.
Thanks Chef.
Your big chocolate balls are just the trick.
What the hell is he doing? I don't know! Oh my god! It smells it smells!!! AHH! Hurry up it's coming! I'm trying damn it! Let's get out of this town! Golly, I guess I don't know my own strength.
You did it Mr.
Hankey! You got rid of all the film people! Oh yeah, now all we have is a town covered in shit.
This is much better.
I couldn't have done it without you Kyle.
Kisses! Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.
Well that's ok Wendy.
I fogive you.
Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.
Yes, and I've learned something too.
Being a sell out is sweet, cause you make a lot of money.
And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poorass loosers like you guys.
Screw you guys, I'm going home.