Rules of Engagement s02e10 Episode Script

Then a female party guest comes in to get her coat off the pile, not knowing that I'm underneath the pile, having me own party with Vanessa.
And then the guest reaches for, mm, what she thinks is her umbrella.
But it wasn't.
Yeah, you already told me that one.
Did I do this part? Yeah, you need some new moves.
Anyway, you should leave.
Audrey's gonna be here any second, and I'm surprising her with a luxurious getaway weekend.
Wow, this place looks pretty expensive.
What are you gonna do, drive by it on the way to Motel 6? Check out the last page.
Okay.
Here we go.
"All for $199, once you've enjoyed our time-share sales presentation.
" Otherwise known as the Jeff Bingham Special.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Jeff 1, System nothing.
Dude, those salespeople are, like, crazy aggressive.
At least the guy that sold me my timeshare in Gary, Indiana was.
So you gonna tell Audrey? Yeah.
Eventually.
How are you not on wife number two by now? A- ha-ha.
Mrs.
Bingham.
Oh, Jeff.
How nice.
You bought me a garden gnome.
I cherish our moments together.
Hey, baby, you've been working hard lately and don't think I haven't noticed.
God, ever since Trish left, you know, I've had such a full- Hang on.
I'm doing something here.
Check this out.
You, me, this weekend.
Booya! Jeff with the total power move.
Wow, this place looks nice.
Fine dining.
You're welcome.
Full spa.
My way of thanking you.
Pillowtop beds.
For your way of thanking me.
Why is the last page ripped out? I must've drooled on it when I saw the picture of the jazz brunch.
All right just tell me.
Tell you what? I don't want another vacation surprise.
Like when that bed-and-breakfast turned out to be your buddy's grandmother's house.
He said she wasn't gonna be there.
Well, she was, Jeff.
She was, and she died.
Sunday night.
We still had two good days.
So, what's the deal this time, huh? All right, look, all you gotta do is sit through a little time-share sales presentation.
Oh.
Okay.
Really? Yeah, sure.
I mean we're young, we're just starting out, we don't have any money.
Oh, wait.
That was Why do you always have to-? All right, let's not get into why I always do what I do.
It's never productive.
All right, look.
How abthis? All the money that we save goes to spa treatments for you.
Oh, that's a given.
But I still don't wanna deal with those sales creeps.
You won't have to.
You know how I love doing battle with those guys.
I'll just stare 'em down.
Hm.
Like you do when Girl Scouts come to our door? They got a lot of nerve charging those prices.
Those mints get thinner every year.
Come on.
It'll be a very special weekend.
Okay.
I'm in.
Beats staying here all weekend watching you dig things out of your belly button.
Well, it's not like that's not coming with me.
Yeah, hi, this is Jeff Bingham.
I'm calling to confirm the time-share weekend.
Excellent, Mr.
Bingham.
And you should know we're having a special promotion.
If you bring another couple, your weekend is free.
Free, you say? * How many ways To say, "I love you?" * * How many ways To say that I'm not scared? * * With you by my side * * There is no denyin' * * I can't wait For me and you * And it would mean so much to us if you guys came along.
Really? That would be awesome.
What a great idea.
Isn't that sweet? Jeff came up with it all on his own.
Hey.
Sharing good times with friends.
That's what it's all about.
Making memories.
Memories, the building blocks of life.
Well, thank you.
Thanks, man.
This place looks great.
I mean, it's got a pool.
It's got a tennis court.
Ah.
Warm cookies at turndown.
Hmm.
So we do the presentation, and the whole weekend's only 199 bucks? Yes, that's how much it is for each couple, so we both have to pay that.
Well, it sounds like a lot of fun, but, unfortunately, I already have plans.
Oh, you're not going.
I know, because I have plans.
No, 'cause you're not invited.
Uh, don't beg.
I can't go.
What are your plans, she asked, regretting it immediately.
Well, it's sort of exciting.
I, uh- I'm being interviewed for New York Style magazine.
They're doing a special feature on "The 40 Hottest Bachelors Under 40.
" Ha-ha.
I'm laughing at both parts of that.
I'm 38.
At one time, yes.
All right, couples win.
I'm tapping out.
I mean, I could see "The 40 Hottest Bachelors Under 40 Inches.
" I just said I'm out.
Late hit.
I don't get to play golf enough.
They should put a course in Central Park.
Did I tell you the other day in the park I saw a chicken? Where do you figure that came from? Audrey, are you listening to anything I'm saying? Well now, what's with all the personal grooming? Should I, uh push my tee time back nine minutes? Calm down, it's not for you.
Maybe I'll wait to calm down till you tell me who it's for.
It- It's for Jennifer.
Well, this weekend just took a very interesting turn.
Don't be a pervert.
Sorry.
So, what's the unhot explanation? Okay, I know you're gonna think this is silly, but Jen and I are going to the spa together, and I wanna put my best foot forward.
Well, the part you were working on was pretty far north of your foot.
Jen and I have never been naked in front of each other, and I just wanna look good.
You know.
First impressions.
All right.
Trust me.
You got nothing to worry about.
You got Jen beat in the boob department, easy.
Honey, I know you're trying- Just say, "Thank you.
" Thank you.
Oh, come on.
Probably a message from some dumb client worried about his stupid money.
Oh, crap, our steaks are coming.
What? Yeah.
Our Steak of the Month gets delivered today.
I set a reminder.
And yet, you forgot my birthday this year.
Your birthday isn't perishable.
Why do we have to have steaks shipped to us? They have perfectly good ones at the supermarket.
That's why you're in charge of salad.
You know, I'm gonna call Russell have him drop by, put the package in the fridge.
No.
No, just- Just have the doorman do it.
I don't trust him.
I had a shipment of bacon go missing recently.
He's my prime suspect.
I don't want Russell sniffing around our apartment.
Come on, there's gotta be someone else.
Like who? I don't know.
Dial 212 and seven random digits.
You will find someone.
All right.
What do you know? I dialed Russell.
Russell Dunbar, Can I help you? Oh, hey, man, what's up? You have meat delivered? Yes.
Both fresh and jerkied.
Dude, come on, I gotta go meet this magazine reporter.
Uh, get the key from the super.
It'll take one minute.
All right.
Uh, I'm meeting her at a restaurant kind of by you, so I guess I could trudge up and deal with it.
Uh, but just so you know, I don't want to, and it's a total hassle.
Okay.
I'd do me.
Oh.
Wow.
This is such a nice place.
Yeah, I- I wish they didn't allow kids.
I mean, that line at the water slide was crazy long.
You know what I just realized? Huh.
This is our first couples vacation since we got engaged.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's gonna be so great.
Oh, God.
Drinking beers with Jeff hitting the pool with Jeff.
Hey, maybe we'll play some Skee-Ball.
You do know that you and Jeff aren't a couple, right? Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know, honey.
But we barely get to hang out like this, so I understand.
You know, I think 'cause you were an only child, you look at Jeff like a big brother.
Oh, d- Don't make it gay.
All right.
You have your guy fun, but save some time for me.
Because there are some things I want us to do together.
Oh, I can't wait.
What is it? Sex? It's sex, isn't it? Yeah.
It's sex.
Hi.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Ready for the spa? Oh, she's ready all right.
I don't know what that meant.
Have fun, ladies.
Enjoy the relaxation.
All right.
Now the broads are gone, what should we do, huh? Huh? Drinks in the bar? Cigars in the lounge? Marco Polo in the pool? I'm playing golf.
Oh, I- I don't really like golf.
Then you shouldn't play.
Well, what happened to sharing good times with friends? Well, you can play golf with me.
How about tennis? What are we, 17-year-old Russian girls? You know, tennis is manlier than golf.
Oh, please.
A golf ball could kill you.
A tennis ball couldn't.
It could if you choked on it.
What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth? Touché.
Uh, here.
I got a putter for you.
Try not to choke on it.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
How was your massage? Oh, it was nice.
Except the guy played a weird CD.
It sounded like a whale mating with Yanni.
Oh, yeah.
I've heard that CD.
It's just Yanni.
The water is perfect.
Come on in.
Uh.
Oh, this is nice.
Yeah.
Oh, you wanna get out and hit the button? It's right there behind you.
So then the guest grabs what she thought was an umbrella.
But it wasn't.
Or but it wasn't.
Which one do you like better? The second one.
Second one? Like this? Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Me too.
Yeah.
Yeah, thanks.
All right.
See you later, brother.
All right, you too.
Stupid.
Ah.
Me Jeff.
Me eat big steaks.
Me die young.
Ah! God.
Oh, come on.
Oh, now I'm gonna be late.
It serves me right for breaking my rule: Never help anybody ever.
Ah.
Eh.
So you were naked, but she wasn't? She looked like she was dressed to swim the English Channel.
Unbelievable.
And after you went through all that cleanup and maintenance.
I know.
Oh, look.
Just so that won't be a total waste I could enjoy that later.
I mean, what? Does she not feel comfortable with me? I thought we were better friends than that.
Seriously, could I enjoy that later? Russell? There isn't a problem with the meat, is there? No, the steaks are fine.
I've got a different problem.
Do you have any clothes from when you were like No, why? Well, I gotta meet this reporter in 10 minutes.
Never mind, you useless idiot.
I'll deal with it.
Yeah, so by the fifth hole, I lost all my balls in the bushes.
Right? So I asked Jeff if he could give me some more.
He says, "Wouldn't it be quicker if I tossed a couple of twenties in the garbage?" I'm sorry.
I- I don't understand why you guys didn't play tennis.
A tennis ball can't kill you.
Hey, there he is: Tiger Always-In-The-Woods.
Hey.
Hey, at least I got to see two squirrels doing it, squirrel-style.
Maybe tomorrow you should just go to the spa.
It's so relaxing.
Right, Audrey? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I did not wanna get out of that hot tub.
All right, now, remember, you don't respond to anything that the sales guy says.
You just let my stare do the talking.
Oh, Mr.
Bingham.
We spoke on the phone.
I'm so glad to see you took advantage of our special offer.
What offer? It's nothing.
Since he brought another couple, Mr.
Bingham's weekend is completely free.
What? Oh, Jeff.
You didn't.
Guy is confused.
He's wearing a nametag, for God's sakes.
Wait, is that the only reason you invited us? To get a free weekend? And you made us pay for gas? All right, look.
You know what might calm everyone down? A nice, aggressive sales presentation.
I don't think so.
Come on, Jen.
What's up with them? They thought we invited them as friends, Jeff.
They didn't realize they were human coupons.
Oh, by the way, thank you for my "very special" weekend.
Audrey.
Oh, Mr.
Bingham.
If none of you attend the sales presentation, you'll be charged the full price of both rooms.
Great.
And how much is that Eric? I'm afraid it'll cost you $1200.
I'm afraid of that too.
Debra.
Hey.
Russell.
Your number one bachelor under 40.
It's nice to meet you, Russell.
That's an in- Interesting outfit.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, it's very cutting edge.
In the next few months, I think you'll see a lot of dudes rocking this look.
Oh.
Uh, I- I don't think that's a man's suit.
Oh, yes, it is.
Problem is you just haven't seen it on these shores.
It's all the rage in, like, Milan, Tokyo Par- Ah.
I'm 42 anyway.
Hey.
Hey.
Tennis anyone? Thought you were at the presentation.
I'm skipping it.
Wait, isn't that gonna cost you a pile of money? This isn't about money.
It's about friendship.
Twelve-hundred bucks.
Well, thanks, man.
Forget it.
Now, go put your little shorts on.
Let's go play.
Hey, then we'll get drinks at the bar? Sure.
And smoke cigars in the lounge? Sounds good.
And do yoga on the South Patio? That's fine.
I was just messing with you.
Ah, are we gonna hit this fuzzy ball around or what? Yeah.
Yeah, but, uh, we gotta make one stop first.
And when you invest in a time-share, you're not limited to one location.
Our one-time membership fee gives you access to 15 other prime resorts all over America, including Hawaii.
That sounds too good to pass up.
Stay strong.
So instead of continuing to throw money away on vacations, you'll be purchasing an asset that increases in value.
I- I can't afford not to buy this.
Just shut up and stare.
Enjoy pride of ownership that you can pass on to the next generation, when you purchase a unit or a phase three offer.
Do you like cleaning up-? Hey, Audrey.
Hey.
Listen.
I just wanna make sure you know I had no idea Jeff was getting a deal for bringing you guys.
Oh, I know.
Don't worry about it.
And don't take it personally.
I mean, Jeff still tries to use his student ID at the movies.
Really? Yeah.
It does not go well.
Well, we still have the rest of the weekend.
Hey, you wanna go check out the pool? Sure.
Yeah.
Let's put our suits on.
Both of us or just you? What? Sorry, it's just you know, before, at the hot tub, I was naked and you weren't, and it just made me feel a little weird.
Oh, my God.
Is that why you put your robe on while you were still in the tub? Yeah.
Yeah.
That thing is absorbent.
Well, I don't want you to feel weird.
How can I make this better? You- Don't- Just forget it.
Seriously.
I'll get over it.
Well, what if I take my clothes off right now? What? Why? It'll even things out.
I'm happy to do it.
Oh, Jen, you don't have to- Please.
I've stripped for a lot dumber reasons than this.
Honey, this is my problem.
It's- Well- Wow.
There you go.
Heh.
Oh.
Very special weekend indeed.
Thanks again, you guys, for inviting us.
Oh, we loved having you.
And thanks for picking up the tab for our weekend.
It would've been fun even if it wasn't free.
But it was free.
Totally free.
You're gonna help me get out of this time-share thing, right? I'll see what I can do, you rube.
Hey, just wanted to, uh, return this.
Oh, why? Did one of your dates wear this? Uh, yeah, let's- Let's say that.