Seinfeld s02e10 Episode Script

Men flip around the television more than women, I think.
Men get that remote control in their hands They don't even know what they're not watching.
" Rerun, don't wanna watch it.
" "What are you watching?" " Don't care.
" "Who was that?" " Don't know.
" " Isn't that your father?" " Doesn't matter, I gotta keep going.
" Women don't do that.
See, now, women will stop and go, "Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel.
" You see, but men just fly.
Because women You see, women nest, and men hunt.
That's why we watch TV differently.
Before there was flipping around, before there was television kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had storytellers that would tell them stories.
That was their entertainment.
I always wonder in that era if they would get 30 storytellers together so they could still flip around.
Just go: "Tell me your story.
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Shut up.
Next guy.
What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? No? Shut up.
What have you got? I don't wanna hear that.
What are you talking about? Don't wanna hear it.
Now, the whole of you, get out of here.
I'm going to bed.
" She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant? Oh, see, there is no justice.
She's the performance artist, right? Yeah, performance artist.
She's a performer, a real trouper.
What's her husband's name again? Chip? Kip? Skip? - Todd.
- Todd.
Oh, yeah.
- He's a Kennedy.
- No, he's not.
- Come on, he's a third cousin.
- By marriage.
Oh, by marriage, yeah.
We went to the wedding.
Should've heard them talk about Chappaquiddick.
Tried to blame the whole thing on bad directions.
That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.
Pardon me for setting you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women? Thin ice, George, very thin ice.
Maybe for her new performance piece, she'll give birth on-stage.
She stopped performing.
What a huge blow to the culture.
You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklyn to see one of her performances.
Oh, and she's on-stage cooking dinner for some celebrity? God.
She's cooking dinner for God.
She's yelling, and the next thing I know she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt.
- It was an accident.
- Oh, yeah, accident, right.
She was aiming at me, like she was putting out a fire.
So for the rest of the show I'm sitting there with chocolate all over me.
Flies are landing on me.
I'm boiling, I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say to her.
Later, finally, backstage, when I talk to her l'm like a little grovelling worm: "What kind of chocolate was that?" " Do you throw any other foods?" You know He thought he still had a shot.
Then, then, then she leaves with somebody else.
Never even Never even said goodbye.
Never called me back.
Never apologized.
Nothing.
Like I was dirt.
What ever happened with the shirt? I still have it.
The collar's okay.
I wear it under sweaters.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
She asked me to give her a baby shower.
Asked you? You're not gonna do that, are you? Anyone else, never.
But Leslie I have a problem saying no to her.
For some reason, I seem to want her approval.
Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.
Ask not what I can do for you, ask what you can do for me.
Ich bin ein sucker.
Would you two stop with the Kennedys? Why does everyone make such a big deal about the Kennedys? I mean, what is this fascination? Who cares? It's all so boring.
Look, she doesn't deserve a baby shower.
She deserves a baby monsoon.
She deserves Rosemary's baby.
I do have one teeny little problem, though.
Never said goodbye.
Never apologized.
Nothing.
See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment - But? - My roommate has Lyme disease.
Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr syndrome.
She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr.
It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.
- How'd she get Lyme disease? - I don't know.
She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.
- They still do that play? - It's a classic.
- With the nudity? - I guess.
She must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in.
Never said goodbye.
Goodbye.
Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
What do you want to know? Well, I mean does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence? Rarely.
There's no hazing of the foetus or anything, is there? No.
- When is this supposed to be? - Saturday.
Saturday.
Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday.
They're not gonna bust up my apartment, are they? No, I'll take full responsibility.
Because I've seen pregnant women and they sometimes misjudge their foetal girth.
And they'll Just, like, one wrong turn, the whole buffet is, like, right off the table.
Someday, before I die, mark my words l'm gonna tell that woman what I think of her.
I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.
- And if you do? - I still won't forgive myself but at least it won't be about this.
What are you doing this for? Look at you.
- Quiet.
I'm trying to get a picture.
- But you don't have to.
- The guy is waiting in my house.
- Leave me alone.
It's a one-time fee, 1 50 bucks.
- Why live like this? - I'm not getting illegal cable.
So you're gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They'll be in court for years.
- I read in the paper - Oh, the paper - They might hook us up again.
- Oh, God.
You're so naive.
All the cable companies care about is the big "mamoo.
" Look at you.
You're banging things.
You're just pathetic.
Just wasting your life.
I'm offering you 56 channels.
Movies, sports, nudity, and it's free for life! Stop shouting.
You're ruining the reception.
Can you hear yourself? Can? Do you know what you're saying? - What you're suggesting is illegal.
- It's not illegal.
- It's against the law.
- Well, yeah.
Just hold this.
Can you hold that? Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man.
He's a Russian immigrant.
He escaped from the Gulag.
He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.
He'll slow down your gas meter.
He sells slugs, Jerry.
Slugs for the subway.
- He's a real human-rights nut, huh? - Yeah.
He's intense, man.
I don't know.
- What if I get caught? - You're not gonna get caught.
Let me get him in.
It's the '90s.
It's Hammer Time.
Come on.
Just let me get him.
Jerry, Jerry, this is the cable man.
You know, why don't we wait because I'm going out of town tomorrow Tomorrow okay.
No problem.
You'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.
No, every time I turn on a TV, sirens are gonna go off.
They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.
Look, now, Jerry, it's no risk.
I swear.
The Mets have 7 5 games on cable this year.
Put it in.
You won't regret it.
Yeah, Jerry's gonna be a cable boy A cable boy, a cable boy - Mr.
Steinfeld? - Seinfeld.
We're with the FBI.
You wanna tell us about your cable hookup? My cable hookup? What about it? It's been illegally installed.
It has? I've been out of town.
How did you know? Jerry, I had to tell them.
I had to.
I had no choice.
They were onto the scam from the very beginning.
You're in very serious trouble, Mr.
Steinfeld.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hold on.
We're just patsies.
We're just a couple of users.
We never sold the stuff.
What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy's the guy you want.
Mr.
Seinfeld? Agent Stone, FBI undercover.
No, Jerry! No! Cable boy? Cable boy? What have you done to my little cable boy? Excuse me, could I get something to drink? I'm afraid not.
What's with this airline? You're cutting out the drinks? No, sir, we're flying into a blizzard.
Please fasten your seat belt.
We're making an emergency landing.
Are they gonna go over the instructions again? My name is Bill.
I might be the last person you ever see.
I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying.
And I have no argument with that.
I think fear of flying is quite rational, because human beings cannot fly.
Humans have fear of flying, same way fish have fear of driving.
You put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "This isn't right.
I shouldn't be doing this.
I don't belong here.
" - Sounds like a rough trip.
- Well there were fire engines and ambulances all on the runway.
And then when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed.
So the college cancelled the gig? There was so much snow, the roads were closed.
I really appreciate you picking me up.
Thanks again.
- Forget it.
- No, really, an airport run.
It's nothing.
It's one thing if I asked you, " Could you do me a favour?" But to suggest it When you told me what you went through on the plane it makes you stop and think.
I appreciate having a real friend.
If Richie Brandis did this, I'd be suspicious.
You know how he's always got some ulterior motive? Ulterior motive Wait a minute.
Don't take the bridge.
Get off here.
We can't go back to my place.
Elaine's having the shower.
- What, tonight? Now? - Yeah.
Yeah, I forgot all about it.
No big deal.
We'll go back to your place.
My place? No, no.
I hate my place.
I don't wanna go back to my place.
Well, you wanna get a bite? Well, yeah, I would.
It's just that I just ate a whole pot roast.
Well, so, what should we do? You know, shouldn't we at least drop off your bag? Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt! - What are you talking about? - You're wearing the chocolate shirt! I am.
What a strange coincidence.
Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.
You gotta let me go over there.
What, you're gonna badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower? You're gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda? No.
I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years.
Then I'm gonna say, " Remember this shirt, baby? Well, now it's payback time!" We just bought an apartment on Riverside Drive.
Bernard Goetz's mother used to live there.
- So where's Todd? - Up in Hyannisport.
Oh, my God, Hyannisport? With the Kennedys? Who else is up there? Is Rose up there? - So when's your due date? - March 20th, 9 a.
m.
- You know the time? - I'm having a planned C-section.
My therapist told me if I go through labour, I might get psychotic.
Leslie, Leslie, what ever happened to Sargent Shriver? Is he still with them? You don't hear much about him these days.
Is he, like, out of the loop, or? Elaine, who catered this, Sears? What is this? What are you doing here? - We're putting in the cable.
- The cable? No, I'm having a party here.
You can't do this now.
Oh, we have to do this now.
- Who is this guy? - Which one? - Both of them.
- They're Soviet cable guys.
Okay.
Does Jerry know about this? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all authorized.
Yeah.
- You can't.
You can't do this now! - Elaine Do you know how booked up this guy is? If I send him away now, it's gonna take Jerry months to get him back.
He won't like that.
All right.
Just do it fast, and then get out.
Anatole? Giddap.
Go.
It's only gonna take a few minutes.
Then you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on Lifetime.
What if we go up there, what are you gonna say to her? - What am I gonna say? - Yeah.
"What did you go out with me for? Just to dump chocolate on my shirt, and then dump me altogether? I don't deserve that kind of treatment.
You don't have the common courtesy to return my calls? To apologize? You think I'm some sort of a loser that likes to be abused and ignored? Whose shirt can be ruined without financial restitution? Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can just avoid me like I have some disease? You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically just unbelievable, but you sicken me.
You disgust me.
You and everyone like you.
" - You'll never say that to her face.
- Watch me.
Yeah, I eat the whole apple.
Core, stem, seeds, just everything.
Kramer.
Kramer, look at him.
- Look.
He's eating all the food.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that you're not aware of.
See, in Russia, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house.
Yeah, that's tradition.
You ever eat the bark off of a pineapple? - Kramer! Kramer! - Excuse me.
Wow, man! What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town.
The show was cancelled.
There was a blizzard.
I can't believe you told Kramer to install cable during the shower.
Jerry, look, look.
They've eaten everything.
Jerry, what a surprise.
I thought you'd left town.
Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
George, don't even think about it.
Don't even dream about it.
- About what? - Kramer! Leslie.
Yeah? George.
George Costanza.
Hi.
I guess you don't remember me but we actually went out a couple years ago once.
Remember? - Vaguely.
- Yeah.
You took me to see one of your shows.
And? And it was quite good.
In fact, you even incorporated me into the show.
I'm not actually a performer, although my parents felt I had talent Jerry? Remember me? - I'm sorry - Mary Contardi.
No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date three years ago.
You took me to one of your shows.
- I think I remember.
- Told me you had a great time.
- Said you'd call me the next day.
- I'm sure I meant to call.
- I probably just lost your - Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me.
You thought you could waltz through life and never bump into me again.
But you were wrong, Jerry.
You were wrong.
What do you think? I'm some poor pathetic wretch? - I didn't think that.
- To be dismissed and ignored.
Some insignificant piece of dust? Some person who doesn't deserve respect and attention? Well, you're the one who doesn't deserve my respect and attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust! Actually, I never had any formal training.
I guess I'd be better suited for improvs or something Thanks a lot.
Oh, bye.
- Oh, I'm so sorry you have to go.
- Yeah, I really have to be going.
All right, listen.
I've changed my mind.
I don't want the cable.
- Jerry, don't be a fool.
- You don't want? No, I don't want.
Tell me what I owe you for your trouble Four hundred dollars.
Four hundred dollars.
You told me 1 50.
Oh, well I'm going.
Obviously.
Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight.
- I had no idea - Elaine I was watching you tonight, and I realized something.
You're just like you were in college.
Thank you.
What was I like in college? Come on, let's go.
Be right back.
I'm not paying $400.
I don't even want the thing.
What are you gonna do? Every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life and yet I want them all.
Is that irony? Why can't I meet a Kennedy? I saw John Jr.
Once downtown.
I was on a bus.
I hit the ding.
It didn't stop.
All right.
I said I had a good time and I'd call but who takes that literally? Hey, come on over.
Doctor Zhivago's on cable in five minutes.
I'm making popcorn! What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? It doesn't No matter what you say, it's a lie.
" I'll see you around.
See you around.
If you're around and I'm around l'll see you around that area.
You'll be around other people, you won't be around me but you will be around.
Take care now.
" You ever say that to somebody? "Take care now.
Take care now.
Because I'm not gonna be taking care of you so you should take care now.
" "Take care, take care.
" What does that mean? "Take care.
" "Take off.
" Isn't that what you really wanna say? "Take off now.
Get out of here.
"