The King of Queens s02e10 Episode Script

Do you remember that weird history teacher we had in ninth grade? Mr.
Thorpe.
With the Hello Kitty stickers on his briefcase.
But he had that gorgeous wife, remember? I know.
How was that guy not gay? Hey, remember we cut his class and went to Waldbaum's? Oh, yeah.
You shoved a whole box of Devil Dogs down your pants.
Hello, we had the munchies and no cash.
Somebody had to take charge.
I wonder if there were any laws they didn't break, huh? I assume there were some.
Yeah.
It's getting late.
We should get on the road soon.
No.
Stay.
We have a two-hour drive.
Who told you to move to frigging Rockland County? My new husband.
He works there, blame him.
Guilty as charged.
You're not leaving until you get dessert.
Come on, give me a hand.
Oh, hey, hey, here's a name for you: Eric Wickstrom.
You know what? I saw him like a year ago.
He still has his braces.
That is a long time to have braces.
Am I right? Maybe he has some sort of chronic problem.
Let's hope so.
So, what do you do up there in Rockland County? Oh, I manage a company.
We make various paper products from recycled goods.
Paper products.
That's great, great.
You're looking at a big fan right here.
- You're at IPS? - Yup, yeah, yeah.
What do you think about the head of your company giving money to the NRA? I didn't realise he did.
Half a million dollars.
You have to really like assault rifles to give that kind of money.
Maybe he just likes Charlton Heston.
You know? "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape.
" You remember that? Planet of the Apes? That was a good movie, huh? I think Heston's a Nazi.
Hey, guys, we're gonna serve dessert over there on the couch.
Go, go, go.
So, to the couch? All right.
That's better, huh? The couch.
Who are you voting for on Tuesday? The state assembly? The runoff election? Yes.
Yes.
Do you like Scalas or Perry? Actually, we got an oven mitt from Perry, so probably him.
- Her.
- Her.
Arthur.
Hey, my man, what's happening, buddy? Get a hold of yourself, Douglas.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hang out a second, man, relax.
I want you to meet Mike.
Love to, but I gotta catch my Jag.
He's nutty.
So - Hey, Doug, we just had a great idea.
- What? What if Mike and Susie stayed with us for the whole Thanksgiving weekend? What? Yeah, they can stay up in my office, on the sofa bed.
What do you think? Right in front of them.
Right in front of them she asks me.
"Can they stay with us through the Thanksgiving weekend? We got that spare room with the sofa bed.
" That's rough.
What am I supposed to say? Yeah, sure, that's okay.
You know, I'd rather put a cigar out on my ass, but this is good too.
Where the hell is Spence already? The movie's starting right now.
How am I gonna spend four days with this guy? And with no buffer.
I know Carrie's just gonna peel off with her friend and just leave me there alone with him.
I'm gonna die.
That's it, I'm gonna die.
His unpleasantness will actually stop my heart.
- Where the hell you been? - I know, I know.
I had this whole thing with my mom.
The super was fixing the radiator and she didn't want me to leave her alone with him.
Why not? She kept saying, "He was making bedroom eyes.
" "Mom, he's 80.
He has glaucoma.
" It was so stupid.
If it was so stupid, why didn't you just walk out? I wanted to.
That's why we had the fight.
But what could I do? It's my mother.
We've been hearing the same crap for 10 years.
I need to drive my mommy to the store.
I have to cut up her meat up for her.
- I have to draw her eyebrows on her.
- Shut up.
All right, all right, just take it easy, both of you.
I'm not gonna take it easy, Moose.
I missed a movie because nobody told this wuss that he's 32 years old, not 8.
You know what? Forget about it.
That's it, I'm going back to the firehouse.
And you know what, Spence, I hope the super's ringing your mother's bell right now.
And not her doorbell.
I meant, like, he's ringing I know what you meant.
Look, don't worry about him, all right? He's just in a bad mood.
By the way, we're not on a date.
Sit over there.
Do you think I'm a wuss? Well, define wuss.
Someone who keeps inventing excuses to live at home because he's too scared to just grow up already.
- Define it again.
- Oh, that's it.
I'm a wuss.
I'm just a big, stupid, doughy wuss bag.
Look, you don't have to be, you know.
Just move out already.
You know, I might just do that.
Right after Thanksgiving.
Why wait until after Thanksgiving, you know? I don't know.
It'll give me some time to ease into the idea.
Ease into the idea? I'm sorry, what exactly does that mean? I don't speak wuss.
- Come on.
- It's obvious, man.
- You don't wanna move out.
- I do so.
You know what someone who wants to move out says? I wanna move out right now, tonight.
That's right.
Yeah, I'm gonna find a friend who's got, like, a spare room with a sofa bed, and I'm gonna stay there through the Thanksgiving weekend if necessary.
But I am taking my life back tonight.
What's the use? - Doug? - Yeah? Naked? Naked.
How naked? Any nakeder, and I'd have seen organs.
The inside ones.
- Which I would've preferred.
- I'm sorry.
By the time we got back with his stuff, you were asleep.
Well, what happened? Why is he even here? He got into a huge fight with his mother, decided he wanted to move out tonight.
So I told him, I said: "Look, man, you can stay with us until you find a place of your own.
" How long do you think that's gonna be? How long does it take to find an apartment? A week? Two weeks? Doug, two weeks? The Gladdens are coming.
Mike and Susie.
They're supposed to stay in that room for four days.
Didn't you even think of that? Excuse me.
No, I didn't think of that, okay? My best friend's in the middle of a huge personal crisis.
What am I supposed to say? Could you be out by Thursday? We're having company over.
You are unbelievable.
- Okay.
- No, no, no.
Well, hey, I'm sorry I snapped.
But this is a man's life we're talking about.
Thirty-two years old and he picks this week to grow up.
Bad timing, I know.
So Should we call the Gladdens and cancel? No, no need to do that.
Just help Spence get an apartment by Thursday.
Then they could still come, right? I'll do everything in my power to make that happen.
All right, Suse, so I'll call you as soon as I know if that room is free.
Hey, hey, hey.
Have her tell Mike I said "what's up?" Tell Mike, Doug says "what's up?" I don't know.
Okay, sweetie, I'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye.
Okay.
With any luck, this will still work out.
Good morning, my esteemed host and hostess.
- Morning.
- Hey, buddy.
Grab yourself some eggs.
Don't mind if I do.
By the way, Carrie, I'm sorry about our little encounter last night.
In my old life, I was discouraged from locking the bathroom door.
Okay.
Well, new life.
Hey.
Hear, hear.
Man, I am exhilarated.
I really did it.
I moved out.
I did it.
You realise you're not done doing it, right? Oh, yeah.
I was gonna get the paper and start looking at places today.
You're damn right.
Because I'm gonna be on you like a cheap suit, okay? I could be your best friend or worst enemy, the choice is yours.
All I know is, you're getting an apartment.
We are not running a charity around here.
- The whole world doesn't revolve - Doug, relax.
He said he was gonna start looking today.
Yeah, he says a lot of things.
You and me, we go today after work.
You got it? Sure.
Happy for the help.
Okay, then.
Good morning.
Good morning, Daddy.
What's this? Spence moved out of his mom's house last night.
So he's gonna stay with us until he gets a place of his own.
I see.
I must have missed the family meeting where all this was decided.
There was no family meeting, Arthur.
Well, God bless fascism.
So where is the little fellow staying? On the sofa bed in my office.
Your office? Oh, yes, the warm insulated room upstairs.
I'm familiar with it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll return to my dungeon.
Dad, would you stop it? Sit down and have breakfast.
I've lost my appetite.
Besides, he's sitting in my chair.
- There's another one.
- Not with my initials carved in it.
Hey, Doug.
I'm home.
Hey, buddy.
How you feeling? Fantastic.
All day at work I just had this energy, this mojo.
This pretty girl, as I was selling her a token, smiled at me.
She knew.
There's no question about it.
You look radiant.
Yep.
All right, look what I got.
I got the Daily News, I got the Post, I got the PennySaver.
I even circled some possibilities during my lunch hour.
Wow.
You're a madman.
Man, I am fearless.
I'm psyched.
All right, let's find you a place quick before you come to your senses and realise how scared you should be.
What do you mean? Nothing.
Okay.
Here's one.
That looks good.
Corona Heights.
Two bedroom, one bath.
That sounds interesting.
And it says immediate occupancy.
Should we go check it out? - Sure.
- All right.
What? What? First floor.
I don't feel safe with you on the first floor.
- Why not? - Why not? A burglar walks by.
Hey, look at that, open window, slow fat kid.
Okay.
Okay, I didn't think about that.
Well, what about this one? Oh, man, I deliver to that building.
You like rats? Not so much.
Oh, but this one is perfect.
Yeah, that is perfect.
And when exactly did you win the lottery? - I don't remember hearing about that.
- Come on.
This is ridiculous.
One of these has to be okay.
If you know it all, then go out and look for yourself.
Take the first place you see, have a great time.
Wait.
Don't go.
I want your help.
Okay.
Then listen to me, all right? Finding an apartment is the most important decision you'll ever make.
You know, if you pick the wrong place, there's no undoing it.
Couldn't I just move? Can I finish my thought, please? Sorry.
Okay, now, if we're gonna do this together, help me help you.
Okay.
What's the first step? So, huh? Feeling better? Not really.
I kind of wanted to go look at apartments.
You should kind of wanna play some defence.
Boom, I just scored on your white ass.
- Hello, Douglas.
- Hey.
Hi, Arthur.
Good evening.
I heard laughter and some rather ribald comments coming from here, so I thought I would investigate.
Just playing some foosball.
Funny, I was under the impression that foosball was our game.
Arthur, we played half a game last March, and you scored three goals on yourself.
And those memories mean nothing to you? We're in the middle of a very important tournament.
- You and I can play another time.
- Fine.
Play with your fancy new friend.
See if I care.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Doug, enough of this.
I wanna go look at some places.
Good God.
You want some cheese with that whine? It's after 6.
Do what you want.
I'm gonna look at these listings before the whole day is shot.
- We're in the middle of a game here.
- What is going on? It's like you don't want me to get my own apartment.
- I do.
- Then let me go look.
No, stop, stop, stop.
Come on, please.
All right, look, you're right.
I want you to stay.
I need you around here for a while.
Why? Well, the truth is, it's me and Carrie.
The marriage is in trouble.
Oh, God.
Really? Yeah, it's a mess.
Well, you do a good job of hiding it.
Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta put on a show.
It must be really difficult now.
I mean, especially during the holidays.
Yeah, it is.
But at least with you here, she'll watch her drinking.
Oh, jeez, jeez.
Come here, buddy.
Come here.
Oh, that's good medicine.
Hey, let's go play some foosball.
Sure.
You gotta promise me, you can't tell Carrie anything about this.
All right? As far as she's concerned, we're still apartment hunting.
Hey, you were there for me, I'm here for you.
Okay.
There they are.
And they won't let me play.
Doug, what is going on here? I thought you guys were out looking for apartments.
We were working on it.
We're just taking a break here.
Can I talk to you outside for a second? Sure.
What is going on here? I know.
It's brutal, isn't it? He's fighting me every step of the way.
What do you mean, he's fighting you? You open up a newspaper, you point to the rentals, you say: Here, you, live, go.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Look through the window.
Are there not several papers on that table there? Okay, so, what's the problem? The problem is I'll tell you.
He's completely petrified at the idea of living on his own.
He's like a child, you know.
Twice today he called me "Mommy.
" Once, "Nana.
" Oh, my God.
What should we do? You want me to go talk to him? No, no, no, look, he'll get real embarrassed if he knew I told you.
I tell you what, let me work on it.
I'll see if I can nudge him along.
Okay, well, do you think you can nudge him out by Thursday? I think I can give it one hell of a try.
Thank you.
Oh, and let my father play foosball with you.
Sorry, Arthur.
No go.
So Carrie thinks that Spence is afraid to get a place, and Spence thinks that you and Carrie are on the outs? Yeah.
And I told them both not to talk to each other about it.
So how's that sound? You think it'll all hold up? Sure.
Hell, Moose, you're great at this, you know.
You could fool around on her if you wanted to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
I love my wife.
But thank you.
You're welcome.
Yup.
All right.
Looks like it's gonna be a Mike-free Thanksgiving.
- It's just that - What? For some reason, I just keep thinking like I overlooked something.
Hi.
Still here, I see.
Yeah.
Are you done in the bathroom? Oh, I'm done.
- Oh, darling? - Yeah? There's a leaky faucet up there, you may want to look at it.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
What a stench.
I think my point is made.
He doesn't belong here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Spence, you have to stop letting me see you naked.
It's very, very disturbing.
I know.
I'm sorry.
- What is the big deal anyway? - About what? I know you're scared, but you've just got to suck it up and get your own place and stop calling my husband "Mommy.
" Oh, God, you're drunk.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Mike is very, very annoying.
So all this time, just to keep Mike and Susie from coming, you've been stopping Spence from getting an apartment? I can't say I've been making it easy for him.
Did he even wanna move out of his mom's in the first place? I like to think so.
You are psychotic.
I can't believe you did all this just to avoid spending one weekend with a boring guy.
Look, I admit it, okay? I was a little out of my mind.
I was like one of those mothers who lifts up the car to save her baby.
The adrenaline was pumping.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, sorry.
Okay, thanks.
Susie is one of my best friends.
I never get to see her anymore.
This was a perfect opportunity for us to spend a little time together.
Look, look, I caused this problem, all right? So I'm gonna fix it.
How? It's already Tuesday night.
How are you gonna find Spence an apartment in one day? I don't know if I can, but I can tell you this: we will apartment hunt all day long.
Okay? Sunup to sundown.
We will pound that pavement.
That is my pledge to you.
Do you realise how much raw sewage is seeping into that groundwater every day? No.
Eighty-nine hundred cubic metres.
I knew it was in the 80s, but wow.
God, this has been so much fun.
You know, you guys have to come up to our place for Easter.
You know what? Doug and I both have that week off.
We're there.
Right, Doug? - Yo, Spence, hustle it up.
- I'm coming.
The turkey's ready.
Has anybody seen my loofah?