Family Guy s02e11 Episode Script

Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.
In tonight's episode, the part of Brian the dog will be played by Carter Banks.
- Here I am.
Sorry, I - Camera two.
- Sorry, I overslept.
- Yes, well, do you want breakfast? Or would you rather chew on your own ass, as usual? (clears throat) Well, I'm I'm sure you have something to say to that, hm? Oh.
Oh, God, sorry.
Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line, just the end of it.
Oh! Let's cut.
All right, you're sleeping with which producer? God, as soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost! It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy! (Lois) Peter, take off your blindfold.
We're almost there.
Not yet.
I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
Then at least let me drive! - You know it's illegal for women to drive.
- (cat squeals) A woman driving! That's adorable.
Peter, I don't think Peter, please, I'm begging you, stop the car! Oh, we're here.
Thank God.
(crowd) Whoo! Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf! The grown-up in me likes the prospect of fun.
But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become.
- Happy birthday! - I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! - Who are you? - The guy whose car you just slammed into! Lois, you invited everyone! Excuse me, excuse me.
My friend is differently-abled.
May he go ahead of you? Of course.
Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.
Well, hello! You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
- Careful, Joe.
- Kiss off! Yeah! Your father! Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralysed.
Ooh! How deliciously evil-Iooking.
It's like something out of Stephen King.
OK, for my 307th book, uh, this couple is attacked by a a A lamp monster! Ooh! Ooooh! You're not even trying any more, are you? - (growls) - When can I have it? A lot.
A 10-gauge.
I've never handled one of these before.
Agh! Ah! Yes! This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun Oh, dang.
Now I hate windmills even more.
Let me give you a tip, pally.
The shortest distance between two points is the full-body-English high-arcing rainbow shot.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your party to leave.
You've caused nothing but trouble.
Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location.
No, no, no, wait.
I know this guy.
We went to high school together.
- We did? - Yeah.
He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.
Oh, we used to kid this guy all the time.
Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant tells us to.
I demand to see the owner.
That's me.
I'm Bob Funland.
Wha You own this whole place?! That's right.
This place is my legacy.
So what have you done with your life, you jerk? Uh Uh I'm Neptune, god of the sea! I sink ships and conjure up storms! No, you're not.
I am.
And you know nothing of my work.
Look at this, Lois.
See, right here.
I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.
Peter, that's not you.
That's not even a yearbook, it's a People Magazine.
Oh.
I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.
Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? Look.
It says "Happy birthday, Daddy.
Love, Stewie.
" Let me see that! Did you forge my name?! Oh, is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight! Face it, Lois, I'm a nobody.
Why can't I be famous like Bob? Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? Then I got on Suddenly Susan, and that was, like, really cool.
I still do stand-up, people laugh and give me money, that's also cool.
Isn't this great, catching up? Anyway - She's still talking.
- I don't get it.
I poured it in her drink.
name was Steve Rock.
First black I ever did it with.
- Oh, boy.
- "Never go back.
" But I went everywhere.
Don't be depressed, Dad.
Here, I made you a present.
My God! It's good.
Really good.
It's partly an expression of my teenage angst, but mostly it's a moo-cow.
It's lovely, Chris.
Go ahead, Peter, make a wish.
I'd sell my soul to be famous! Hup.
I got a live one.
Peter Griffin.
Ooh, sorry, chief.
Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.
Oh, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? Don't forget this.
Maybe you could hang it in your office.
Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it.
Excuse me.
I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there.
$1,000 for a bumper sticker? No, no, no.
I mean that painting.
I must have it for my gallery in SoHo.
- I'll give you $5,000.
What do you say? - I say I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got But I painted that just for you.
Don't feel bad, Chris.
I didn't even want it.
Now we all get a free trip to New York cos Mr Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist.
- Monatti? Antonio Monatti? - You've heard of this man? Oh, oh, oh! He's only the biggest art dealer in New York! I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s.
Peter, we are not going to New York.
Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift, and I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed.
Then I'll use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams, because that's good parenting, right, Bing Crosby? Right, Peter.
And if your kids give you any lip, you can beat 'em with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges.
They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em know who's boss.
There's no doubt about it.
- But that doesn't sound right.
- Are you givin' me lip, boy? I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you.
Is that what you want? Huh? - Hey! Hey! What Ow! Knock it off! - Huh? - Like that, huh? - Get away from me, you dead crooner.
Hi, this is David Leisure.
You probably remember me as the neighbour from TV's "Empty Nest".
No? Well, how about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? The the guy who lied? Oh, come on! Those were really popular.
They ran all the time.
All right, look.
Just buckle up.
Can I get my cheque now? Oh, kids, look at that man over there, grabbin' his own crotch.
Oh! So alive, this city! - Look! Central Park! - There's the Empire State Building! - There's a hot-dog cart! - Chris, don't spoil your appetite.
New York has some of the best restaurants in the world.
They even have Indian food here.
Not the "ub-ub" kind, the "mm-mm" kind.
- Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.
- Just make sure there's a Wall Street Journal by the changing table.
And send a masseuse up.
Legitimate! Hey, waiter.
The name's Peter Griffin.
My son's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless secretly killed.
And all I gotta do is paint! Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats, like the Muppets? Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? Count me out.
I'm never going to the theatre with Peter again.
Remember when you were younger, Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights translating books for you.
Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves.
What the hell is this? For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie! Screw the theatre.
Mr Monatti invited us to a cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists.
It's at the Museum of Modern Art.
Oh, God.
I hope that's not some kind of museum.
- Mapplethorpe? Not just photography? - Oh, no.
Early on he did caricatures.
Uh, OK, Tim.
Who's your favourite sports star? - Uh, Reggie Jackson.
- OK.
I'll draw him pooping on your chest.
What number is he? Welcome.
Chris, there are a number of artists here I'd like you to meet.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's talk turkey, Monatti.
We've been here all day, and Chris isn't a famous artist yet.
Creating art takes a lot of training and technique.
- All the great artists I knew took classes.
- Even Walt Disney? Do I do I have to? You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! - (whimpers) - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's nice.
Art school? We don't have that kind of time.
Chris, give me your ear.
- Peter! - Mr Griffin, please.
Please, I invited you so that Chris could make an impression on the art community.
Why not do some sightseeing? If you leave Chris in my hands, the name Griffin - Will be as well-known as Kandinsky.
- Who? - Rembrandt? - Who? - Da Vinci? - Who? - Bazooka Joe? - There you go.
Ah, the United Nations! Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
Isn't it inspiring how so many different cultures can come together? Yeah, and use up all the towels in the men's room.
- Peter! - Sorry.
(air whooshes) - These things never get 'em completely dry.
- Where's Stewie? Hm! Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall.
Ancient Chinese secret, huh? Mr Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? Trust me, painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist.
You need an image! Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay - And turn it into the toast of New York! - Ha, ha, ha! I love toast! - Cut it and tint it green, the colour of money.
- And boogers! (Lois) I feel we've been walkin' in circles.
I don't know how you can find anything in this city.
It's so confusing.
Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out.
Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill.
Ha, ha, ha! I love when you use topical humour.
It's just like watching Murphy Brown.
Hey, Murphy.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, John Sununu.
(canned laughter) Murphy.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Tipper Gore.
(canned laughter) Hey, Murph.
You can't blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah.
Blah, blah, blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu.
Blah, blah.
(canned laughter and applause) Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now? They'd rather wander through SoHo, looking for an address that doesn't exist.
Ha, ha, ha! That's my dad! Well, maybe tomorrow, we could all - Oh, there's Kate Moss.
- Where? I don't see her.
Agh! Are you the Matrix? - Kate, this is my new discovery, Christobel.
- My name's Chris.
Not any more.
Christobel will look better in Interview magazine.
Nice to meet you.
I love artists.
Whoops! A crack in the floor.
- Lois.
Gimme a penny, - You're not gonna throw it over the edge? No.
Yes.
I've just scheduled your first exhibit! Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.
Yes.
I know how important your success is to your father.
That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again.
Yeah.
Of course he will.
Dad's very Whaaaat? Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding.
Your father is, uh How can I say this without upsetting you? - (high-pitched voice) Your dad is a pig! - Ah! Ha, ha, ha! So, you see, it's up to you, son.
If you don't wanna disappoint your father, keep him away.
There's my boy! Hey, come on, Chris.
Let's go to Barneys and fart in the suits.
All right, Dad! I Oh.
- I mean, uh I can't see you any more.
- What are you talkin' about? You're my son.
Mr Griffin, he's going to be a great artist.
He now belongs to the public.
And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss.
Oh, and, um, don't say anything bad about her, cos she might be here right now.
Wait a minute! You can't you can't just push me aside.
I made you! And I can destroy you! - (bleep) - Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby.
Oh, Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you.
I can't believe Chris.
If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window, - He'd still be in that dump in Quahog.
- That "dump" is our home.
"Dump"? Oh, so now you're too good for us, too? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you.
- Are you so selfish you can't see that? - Yes, I am.
Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream.
I have no son.
Except for Stewie.
- And Meg! - Aah! I had a dream It's all about you Meg Griffin Not much you can do Meg Griffin You can't dance, you can't sing No, you pretty much can't do a thing Never fear, Daddy's here Honey, you're gonna make our name famous You'll be larger than life I'll be proud you fell out of my wife You'll be known far and wide Like that princess who died I'm gonna make you famous Wait and see Honey, I'm gonna do this for you But it's really for meee eeee! Fine.
If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him.
You'll love being famous, Meg, and this is the town to do it in.
I don't know, Dad.
What am I gonna do? Everybody's good at somethin'.
It's just a matter of findin' the special hidden talent.
But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the I can't think of anything.
I guess I don't have any talent.
Come on, think harder! There's gotta be somethin' you can do.
(whistles bird call) - That's amazing! - Oh, thanks.
I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.
- Nothing happened.
- No, the bird came when Meg whistled.
Oh.
No, those are just my bird calls.
Do it again! Do it again! Yeah? Well, what d'you want? - Uh - You called me, right? Oh, no, no.
I wasn't calling you.
(giggles) Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh? Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
I don't fly, you know.
I take the subway like everybody else.
Oh, and people don't stare.
You make me puke.
Bitch.
Mr Monatti, I don't feel like painting.
I wanna see my dad.
Listen, Christobel.
I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian.
All you have to do is paint.
Now get busy! I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants.
Excuse me.
Oh, jeez.
Kate, what should I do? I don't know.
You're the flavour of the month.
Oops! Window open.
(Meg caws) - I'm goin' over there.
I'm gonna - No, no.
- I'm gonna go over there and punch her.
- No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is humiliating! It's show business, baby.
You gotta start somewhere.
No, I don't.
I quit.
Now, wait just a minute, young lady.
Don't you walk away from me.
Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'! Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus.
Don't don't you go to LaGuardia! Meg? Meg, listen to me.
Don't you dare get on that plane.
Don't shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia.
OK.
Now, I'm pissed.
- Well, thank God that's over.
- Yeah.
- Wanna go crap on the Statue of Liberty? - I've lived my life here and never been there.
- I've never been to the Empire State Building.
- Boy, we're a pair.
- Aren't we? - Unbelievable.
Let's go.
- Chris! - Hey! You guys made it! Of course! We wouldn't miss your big day.
Wait a second.
I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos.
Lois, you lied to me! - Is Dad mad at me? - Oh, he just doesn't understand.
I know artists have to make sacrifices, and Oh, my God! Are you Kate Moss? Oh, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself.
Good for you! (disco) Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel.
that look suspiciously like vaginas.
But in the new millennium, there is only Christobel! - (applause) - (fanfare) - Hey, that's not art.
Amateur! - How jejune! Hey, that's my dad.
Except for that one.
That's my dad if he were a cat.
He's the whole reason I'm here.
Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for these eyesores.
I guess I was wrong about you.
You're no artist.
You're just a no-talent punk.
Now hold on a second.
You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son.
- Now, apologise.
- The hell I will.
You owe me for all that money I invested in your worthless son.
All right.
Well, here's a little something in return.
Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas? Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of.
And I'm sorry I have no talent.
Ah, that's OK, kids.
So I don't have my name on an amusement park, and maybe I'll never be famous.
But I got three wonderful children, and a wife that loves me.
That's right.
I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky - (vomits) - Oh, my sentiments exactly.
Come on, Griffins.
Let's go home.
Hey, watch where you're goin'.
This child is beautiful.
I must have him.
You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful? Peter, this is heterosexual fashion designer Calvin Klein.
I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers.
And I think I've found it.
Well, Bob Funland may have his name on the sign, but only a Griffin has this.
- (camera whirs) - Ooh! Yeah! Workin' it, make me want it.
Yeah! Mm, baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby.
I'm going to sex you up so crazy, yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?